The Power of Being Seen: A Personal Reflection

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I’ve been sharing my blog site with more people around me of late. My thought is that this gives them a better idea of who and what I am. It also gives them time to reflect on parts of their own life. They might also view things they’ve never thought possible. Either way, I’ve reached a point that I wish to share my story with a broader audience. For those that have just joined, welcome. I’d also like to thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read through my past. I appreciate you reading my current thoughts and dreams for my future as well. Some of the things you’ll read can be very raw. I write based on my emotions, and they tend to pivot. So, hold on.

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Recently, after sharing my blog site with some co-workers. One of the women told me this; “I knew when you walked through the door that you were different.” She shared that God had shined on me. She also stated that during my most difficult of times, God was there and protecting me. There was more that was shared in a back and forth conversation. However, the idea that she “saw” me as I am triggered something. There have been only a few in my life that were able to see through my shield. They saw the person that was hiding inside. The idea that someone could look at me and know that I’ve been through the shit, blew my mind. It immediately made me want to sit down and write about it, and here we are.

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I’ve always believed that people that are damaged seem to find one another. As I said, there have only been a few that spotted the “real” me right from the start. I’ve had some that were curious based on my mannerisms. They’d poke and prod trying to get to the core of who I am. My counselor was one of the people that spotted me. I’d been taking my daughter to see her for some time and after one of her sessions I was approached. She asked if I’d want to come in and discuss more about myself. I was totally caught off guard. I agreed to see her and we’ve been working on me for a minute now. There have been times that I needed to go weekly. That has now dropped back to more of “as needed” sessions. Much of my past has been dug up, examined and placed in neat order during this time. I’ve learned much about myself. It was only within the past year or so that I’ve really moved forward. Writing on my blog was a huge step. Being able to openly discuss what happened to me has been cleansing. But never did I expect for someone to just state that they already knew, without ever reading a thing.

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This made me pause. Was this spiritual person gifted with second sight? I’ve heard of people like this, but I’ve never experienced it in my own life. I’ve talked about my struggles with faith, yet remain open to a higher power. I’ve also talked about the moments in my life that I swear someone, or something stepped in to guide me. People have been placed in my path that turned me in a better direction. I’ve talked numerous times about my going to bed one night and waking the next as a different person. I literally turned my life around based on nothing more than waking up with a conscience. Feelings so new and raw that I had to change my path. I woke from the darkest fog to discover a life that was actually worth living. I felt pain for everything that I’d gone through and for everyone that I’d hurt. Did this woman see these visions as well? I need to know more about this.

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Throughout my early years I’ve worked diligently on hiding in plain sight. I kept my life and the darkness hidden from my friends and family for most of my life. I spoke very little of my time in the underworld until now. No one knew, or so I thought. Each one of these encounters has promoted deep thought. With Amy I always figured that there was something I was showing without being aware. I felt the same when this co-worker stated that she knew my struggles. The me of yesterday would be horrified. Staying hidden was a must. Stay out of the light, blend into the woodwork. My job was to be the voyeur, but to never be discovered. Had I met this person in my “previous life,” I would’ve steered clear of her forever. Where I’m at today, it brings me hope, and perhaps some peace. I can speak freely with her. I know that she is not judging me. She sees my curse as a blessing. She feels that my journey can now help others. That is what God’s plan is for me. To let others know that they too can survive.

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I talk all the time about the desire to be seen and heard. To have my voice matter. To have someone tell me that “I see you, I’ve always seen you” touches my soul. This gentle, caring human sees me. Not only sees me with all the pain that I carry, but as a light. It’s almost too much to think about. The seeker of light to be looked upon as light? Just wow. Jeremiah 23:24 – “Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see them? declares the Lord.”

While I know lately I’ve bounced around with my topics and some have been on the sad side. I want you all to know that I’m still in a good place. This topic, and this discussion this past week made me feel whole. I often wonder what my purpose is for my remaining days on this earth. I’ve finally learned to forgive myself for my transgressions. I’m still working on the boundaries between Robert and Zombie. I embrace Zombie’s abilities. His gifts if you will. I’ve tried for so many years to separate myself from the darker side. When in truth, the darkness has served me well enough to keep me alive. I now have to learn about this light. For there cannot be one without the other.

I’ll continue my journey. The work must still be done to find balance. There will always be moments that will test my resolve. I’d like to think that I’m prepared to handle them. For those out there in the world that see me, truly see me for everything that I am, thank you. I no longer wish to fade back. My pathway is now forward. I’m told that my path is paved with love and light. I truly hope that it is.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

Robert/Zombie

Chasing Retirement: The Truth Behind Work-Life Balance

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I have several topics that have been floating in my brain for a minute now. I’m going to start with one and see if it leads into the next. I’ve had some interesting, and at times sad conversations about life in the late stages with other humans. The idea of retirement and the pursuant of the dream we all seem to strive for. What does that look like for you? Is retirement even on your mind? Things have become complicated in our lives. Rather than focusing on the finish line I find that most are worried more about just surviving. The vision of the “golden years” is not what was sold to us. I feel that it’s more of a fable. Based on these recent conversations and how I’ve viewed people close to me in life, that’s my current stance.

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During my travels at work the other day I happened across several different humans. At each of the stops, I was greeted by big smiles and curiosity about who I was. This turned into more conversation about our time with our employer, life goals, future plans and of course, retirement. Oddly enough, each of these individuals was around my age. They both had several years with our employer. We got into the usual things such as what do you do, how do you like your job. That turned into “when do you want to leave.” The “wanting” to leave vs the “ability” to leave is where things get sketchy.

My wife and I have formulated our best plans on what we’d like to do. We work hard and save everything that we can. I’ve often joked about the employer’s retirement. It’s like a carrot on a string. They keep moving it, so I continue to chase after it. I feel like when I might be in a good position, they change the rules to the game. I think we’re all aware the Social Security and all that comes with it is no different. The game is rigged so that we all continue on this never ending wheel chasing the carrot. The hope is that we never reach it. This way, no one ever has to pay you for your life’s work. They ignore your dedication over your lifetime.

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There are many that work bell to bell and just get by. There’s no safety net, there’s no help to be had. They just struggle to keep afloat. Retirement is not even a dream for them, it’s only something that they hear about. Something that the lucky ones get to enjoy. As I stated at the start, these conversation were intriguing and all seemed to happen within the same day. It was like I was being sent a message to talk about this from the universe. One gentleman stated that he would never see retirement as he got a late start with his current employer. He was doing well now, but it wasn’t always that way. He stated that he prayed to remain healthy enough to keep things going for he and his wife. Health issues had crept into his world and even with good insurance, it caused stress. The guy traveling with him was much the same. He wanted to retire one day but wasn’t sure if he’d make it to retirement age. This stirred my insecurities that I’ve carried with me throughout my life. I’ll never forget the feeling of being hungry or cold. I’ll never forget the road I had to travel to stay alive. The thought of somehow falling back into that kind of worry made my stomach turn. Their stories mirrored one another in so many ways. They were wonderful to speak with and I felt honored that they chose to share so much with me. I hope they find their way in the world and the world is kind to them. I think we all know that it’s hard for me to believe that. I see things through the eyes of Zombie when it comes to these matters. The world is cold and cruel. The reality is that employers don’t care about you. The government cares even less.

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The next conversation was with a co-worker that was concerned about reaching retirement. She too had concerns about her future plans and health. As we grow older, things tend to break more often. We also find ourselves dealing with problems that may have been caused from the way we lived earlier on. I often joke. It’s not my age. The mileage on my body is my nemesis. This conversation left us both feeling a bit sad. We have good paying jobs and are doing what we feel is right, but there are still worries. Again, I go back to the whole “golden years.” We should all grow old and happy. We should be healthy with enough money to finish out our life. I’ve seen people dedicate their entire career to an employer. Unfortunately, their retirement was taken away due to poor management at the company. I’ve also seen people simply outlive their money. They somehow managed to stay alive for so long that they ran short in the final stretch. My feeling is this. There has to be a balance to all of this. Is it mathematical, or just a crap shoot? Do we spend all of our waking hours working until we just drop? These are the questions that plague so many of us. Coming from nothing, I view it like this. I know how little I truly “need” to maintain myself. I can survive on very little. While I’d like to be more comfortable in my final stage of life, I’m not greedy. Desires, wants give way to needs. Indulgence gives way to survival. It may sound harsh, or perhaps sad but it’s my view.

I have lived much of my life in a haze of darkness. I desire nothing more than freedom. The temptation of riches means nothing to me. Living in excess is not where I find my happiness. I’ve seen those that worshiped money. I also know what they were willing to do to get it. Unfortunately we all need something to sustain our existence in this world. The question just becomes how much is enough? I’d like to move away from my job in the not so distance future. It’s a means to an end, and nothing more. It doesn’t feed my soul, it only provides money in trade for my time. Life is outside of the doors, or gates if you will. Things that matter are beyond the reach of my employer. I learned long ago that loyalty in business is a one way street.

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The final conversation is probably one that hit the hardest. It made me think of people close to me. During a discussion with this person, he shared something personal. He had a friend at his previous employer who had worked there for 40 years. His friend had grand plans and had finally reached retirement. As a result of all his years working he had a nice pension in place. He was ready to do all the things. Getting on the road and seeing all that he had missed. Visiting people that he hadn’t seen in many years. Spending time with his family. All of these things were sacrificed during his time at work. There was no happy ending here. The gentleman that I was talking to stated that his friend had some health issues right after retirement. Just like that, he was gone. He stated that he was going to his funeral in a few days. “It just doesn’t seem fair” he said. We both became silent for a moment. I told him that I wanted to escape such a fate. I wanted to do as much as possible before my time was up. I wished him well and told him to find his way to retirement soon. Don’t suffer the same fate. As I walked to my car I began to think, how is this even right?

I’ve shared memes with my sister’s on many occasions about not living at work. While I consider myself to be a hard worker, I draw a line when I feel it’s necessary. If I died tomorrow, the flag will not be lowered, my position would be filled by another number. Nothing would stop running because of the loss of one person. The world would keep going. That is the harsh reality. What would matter is that the ones the know me, that care for me would be hurt. I’d like to think that I gave them enough time while still here. I’d like to think that my words, smiles, jokes all mattered to them. Time is a precious commodity. Find that balance and plan your escape. It’s fine to work hard, but never put what’s important second.

Whatever your golden years look like to you, I hope you find them. Remember to find your balance. Trade only what you want to your work. Hold the rest close and cherish every moment. I’ll continue on my journey. Seeker of the light. Creature from the darkness. I’m forever Zombie.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

Sketching My Life

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There have been so many occasions now that I’ve been inspired by music. A song that I’ve listened to a thousand times could one day flip a switch. Today was such a day. The song that I speak of is called “Silhouette of a life.” As I listened to this somewhat haunting melody, I had visions of someone sitting at a drawing board sketching. They were sketching out a silhouette. Inside of this silhouette were all the events of my life. It was as if they were drawing at my guidance. Each item inserted into the silhouette was a part of my life. The good, the bad, everything.

When I have moments like this I just close my eyes and let my mind wander. It’s like taking a journey within myself. Seeing things that have made me smile, passing by events that I wanted to wish away. As I travel, I feel compelled to start writing. To try to explain my feelings, to share my visions, and to expand my silhouette.

Music has always been a strong influence on my being. When I’ve been alone in the past, and even now as I sit with music flowing throughout the room. I let the sounds guide me. There have been times that I’ve felt it was my my best friend. There have also been songs that became my drive when I felt that I couldn’t keep going. Then there are the moments that a song can just strip everything away to reveal the core of your soul. It can touch you so deeply that you just begin to cry…today was that day.

My silhouette is not what some might envision. It’s still mildly distorted. Being that I struggle with my own being, it’s hard to see a silhouette of myself. The silhouette is almost busting at the seams with “things.” I feel as though I’ve lived numerous lifetimes already. Even with that being said, I still have a desire to keep going. To continue to fill these hard, dark lines drawn out. Each movement I make in life adds a similar movement by the hand that draws the picture. When I look at the picture I can see the inner struggles. When I’m struggling, it’s as if the hand quickly scribbles left and right. When I’m strong, the hand moves with precision. Starting each picture with conviction and strength.

These are also the moments that I so wish I had the talent to draw. I do my best to share my visions with words. Sometimes I think it falls short. I think the feelings that I’m having today make me wonder. Am I once again the voyeur? Am I standing beside the artist, directing the drawing? Is it me that is in control of my life? So many thoughts on all of this. I’ve felt at times that I was a puppet on a string. I moved at the direction of another. Never really in control of anything. So, today was an interesting turn of events. I’d like to think that it’s another sign that I’m coming into my own. Getting stronger within myself. That perhaps now I’m the one who’s hand I see drawing.

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The scene that I’ve painted in my head today makes me smile through tears. To be able to see something that to me is so beautiful and freeing. When you’ve walked the dark streets and became saturated with defeat, this moment matters. I’m breaking free! I’m actually starting to believe that I’ll be alright. While I can see so much darkness in this silhouette, parts of it are amazing. There are still portions waiting to be drawn out. I’m not done yet. I have the strength now to guide the hand in a manner that I wish. No more of the scattered, or scribbled lines. Smooth, precise, beautiful scenes of life. A life that I’ve taken back.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

FAITH…my relationship with a higher power

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FAITH is defined in the following manner:

  1. complete trust or confidence in someone or something:”this restores one’s faith in politicians”

2. strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof

I’ve wanted to write about faith and my brush with religion for so many years. Discussions about religious beliefs can at times become heated, or misunderstood. I’ve not held off writing about it because of that. My reasons are more my own. My own life experiences with the idea of faith as I’ve listed them above. Having faith in another human is problematic for me. Having faith that there is a higher being opens up Pandora’s box. I fully believe that anyone should be allowed to practice what fits their life. They should also be free to follow it. I don’t judge anyone for their beliefs. I do however judge based on their actions.

I have shared enough about my experiences with my boss from my past life. We all know he was a pretty horrible person. For anyone that hasn’t read or followed along, I crossed paths with a man as a tween. He was a large scale drug dealer. He found his way into my life because of his friendship with my father. He took the time to groom me and mold me into a heartless voyeur. I was trained to pay close attention to other humans in order to exploit their weaknesses. I’ve covered this extensively in my blogs and I’m still working on a book to tell the full, unedited story.

Being in this world, I learned quickly never trust. Once again, it was a trained behavior. At every turn I was told that I was to “trust no one.” In the world of darkness, there can be no trust, no faith. I learned to walk alone, in the darkness and question everything, and everyone. The only one I wasn’t allowed to question was the boss. I must put my full faith, and trust into this person. For they are the only one that can see me through this world. That…is what I was made to believe.

As for the religious part of this. This same man sold drugs and harmed people. He looked upon females as a commodity. Yet, he wore a cross on his chest daily. I often wondered to myself what kind of relationship he had with God. What was it that he was seeking and how did he justify his actions? He sent his kids to faith based schools, sent them to classes at a local church to study the Bible. Even at my young age, I had questions about all of this. I was too scared to ever ask him directly, but I carried this with me. Why were these children allowed to do such things, yet I’m made to run packages of drugs around the city? Was I not a good person? Did God feel that it was alright for me to suffer while others flourished?

My parents were not seriously religious people. They did take us to church on occasions. My older sisters attended classes at church to be confirmed. (In the West, the term Confirmation suggests that this sacrament both confirms and strengthens baptismal grace). When I reached the age to go to these classes, I already had my doubts. I wasn’t excited about going, but remained the good son and went as instructed. Once in class, I found that the separation of classes was ever present. I was still the poor kid from the wrong side of the tracks. I sat among kids that came from mostly upper class neighborhoods. You could say that I stood out of the pack, but not in a good way. I didn’t have the best clothes, and had already learned from my boss to remain silent. I watched and learned the order in the room. I found out quickly that the minister’s son was in charge of things. (unofficially) He pushed other kids around, talked down to everyone and bullied his way to the top. My thoughts were to just do my time and hope to not be seen. Blend into the furniture. It didn’t go that way for long. I became this boy’s prime target. I “smelled” like an Eastsider. I looked poor, and because I didn’t speak, became his favorite person to go after when no adults were around. The day finally came around where I’d reached a breaking point. We sat in a combination chair/desk in this church room. The minister had left the room and I could just feel this kid’s stare. I knew what was coming. He started in with his usual derogatory comments. On this day, he took it a step further and made a reference about my mother. Something snapped. Before I knew it, I had stood up, grabbed my chair up off the floor and hit him with it. I knocked him flat to the ground and his head started to bleed. His screams brought the minister back into the room where things just became worse. I was the evil that had harmed the lamb of God. The minister used biblical terminology to belittle me until my parents could be contacted.

Once my parents arrived. The story was presented by the minister as I stood silent. My father looked at me and said “is that what happened?” I just shook my head and said, no. I was removed from the church and asked to never return. I was further told that I needed to “pray for my soul and for forgiveness.” When I got into the vehicle with my parents it was a quiet ride home. Once we arrived home, my father took me aside and asked again, “is that the way things really happened?” I told him exactly what happened and why I resorted to violence. My father was proud of me. He was proud because I would always tell him the truth. He also believed that handling things with violence was an acceptable practice. His words were always “there’s nothing to talk about when someone comes at you, just hit them.” I followed my orders.

That evening was one of turmoil inside of me. What was God going to think of me? Why were others allowed to pick on me, or abuse me and yet nothing happened to them? I didn’t take the words from the minister and pray for my soul that night. I began to question faith as a whole. If this was a “man of God” why did he act in such a way. Why didn’t he want to know my side of the story? I questioned why we were so poor and why did my family suffer so much. If you’re good, and follow the laws of God, why do you still suffer so? Then I went back to thinking of my boss. He was one of the meanest humans I knew. Did he fear for his soul? Did he pray each night for all the many sins he committed regularly? It’s safe to say that for a large part of my life I believed in nothing. Nothing more than what I could see, feel and hear directly. An all knowing being of good would never allow such things to go on, would they?

There was the moment that I’ve shared on here before. When I had gone to bed one evening and woke up the next day feeling everything. It was as if my internal emotions were turned on for the very first time. I felt empathy and sympathy. I felt regret for things that I’d done over the years. I woke to this plethora of emotions that literally overwhelmed me. I wanted to step away from the life I’d been living and walk the straight and narrow. I was thinking things that I’d never entertained before. I was feeling things that I’d previously viewed as weakness. This was the first moment in my life that I felt there was a power greater than me.

I still to this day struggle to even walk into a church. I look upon them with dark feelings. I don’t feel the need to congregate with people that I know will judge me. I’ve never felt the closeness that some speak of, or the love that they feel. I even tried to return to church as an adult and complete classes to be confirmed. I was met with the same ugliness I’d experienced as a child. While I was open to trying, it just never seemed to work out. My take was this. I’m a study of humans and I know for fact that humans are very flawed. They go to these places of worship in order to find shelter of some kind. While in these buildings, they remain the flawed, sometimes terrible humans that they’ve always been. They really can’t help themselves. I too went trying to find “God.” What I learned is that God was not in those buildings. I never needed that. I never learned to be a good person from listening to a minister speak. If anything, I learned that there are many broken people in these houses. It’s better for me to stay away altogether.

I found my higher power in places like the park. I found light and love on the roads while running. I’ve had numerous talks with my higher power on so many occasions. Walking, running, sitting in a dark room. As a child, I spent numerous nights praying for protection. Begging for forgiveness for all the things that I was made to do. Hoping that somewhere, someone was hearing me. Most times struggling to sleep and wondering if my words were ever heard. I’ve watched people suffer with illnesses that I felt should never have suffered. From when I was a young boy, I have always wondered why some horrible people are allowed to survive. They stay alive to an old age while some of the best suffer and die so young.

My take on faith is this. For me to have faith in another, I need time. Time to assess who and what they are. I base how I feel about a person on their actions in this world. I could care less that you go to church each and every week. I’ve discovered I often feel more comfortable with others who have endured similar hardships. As for my faith in God…I think you could say that my relationship is unique. I don’t feel the need to wear a cross around my neck. I don’t need to perform any rituals. I just want to be the best person I can on this earth for as long as I’m here. I want to see to it that others don’t suffer in the same fashion that I did. When I was at my most vulnerable. When I needed someone or something to believe in, I was let down. I was cast aside.

I’d like to believe that the man that I’ve grown into is one that never forgets his past. I learned from all of the darkness and stepped forward to make better. Not just for myself, but for anyone around me. When someone looks to me for help, or guidance, I’ll be there. I won’t judge, I won’t shame them. That’s what I was looking for as a child. I want to be the hero of my own story, and maybe for someone else’s. If I can do that, perhaps God will shine his light upon me some day. Until then, I’ll continue on my journey. Seeker of the light.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Finding Your Light: New Year Reflections and Growth

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While relaxing after a day of work last night; I started thinking about the new year. All the festivities being previewed on television. All the hype and excitement for a “fresh start”. While 2025 was at times a challenge, and the world is far from great. I did my best to focus on that light that I always reference in my blogs. That light at the end of a tunnel. The sunshine gleaming through the clouds. The light that has guided me on so many occasions in my travels. I come from a world of darkness, but I’ve always remained a seeker of the light.

In times of desperation, I would always tell myself that no matter how bad things got, I’d find a way. That remains in place to this very day. I’d hold onto catch phrases, or lyrics from a song. Something that may seem so mundane to most meant the world to me. Just the idea that “Good will always prevail over evil” meant something to me. I had to believe that it was true. That I wouldn’t be stuck in my own personal hell. I wouldn’t be trapped in a life of abuse, or trauma. “Look for the light” became kind of a mantra. As I’ve stated previously; it came in the form of other humans. It also came in nature. When I was at my lowest, and felt that I might give up, a walk in the park changed my life. I found a reason to wake up another day. The magic of nature was there for me. Yet another road block placed in front of me. One that would keep me from going back down a dark path.

I often wonder what others feel about the new year when it comes knocking. Is there an excitement to it? Do you feel good about leaving the previous year? If so, does that truly give you a clean slate? I’ve always felt that whatever was bothersome to you in one year could easily follow you. Demons are always willing to travel, be it through space or time. The shadows are ever present and wait patiently for you to become vulnerable

Do you wish for newness in the new year? Are you seeking some new adventure? I look to the new year with my usual stance. I’m “cautiously optimistic.” I’ve already stated that I’m the seeker of the light. You know that will continue. What other “things” will come my way with this passing of time? As I age, I’m more aware now than ever that my body is truly crumbling. Things that I have no control over are teasing me with my timeline of mortality. No, I’m not planning on dying anytime soon. I just have items that I’ll have to address and put all of my strength into as I move forward. The new year brings new challenges.

I like to reflect over the previous year. I do this so that I don’t feel it was a total waste. I can’t say that I wish it away. There were moments in time that I’d never trade away in 2025. Whenever I’ve felt that it wasn’t the best year, I simply look back over pictures that I’ve taken. It’s a quick reminder that not all was hopeless. Not all was so bad that I need to kick 2025 aside and just forget it. Here’s something to think about from my past that might help. When I was alone. When I was kept from speaking with my family about so many different things. When I felt that life would always be a struggle. I never wished time away. I did whatever I could to make each moment important, or special. Not every waking moment was traumatic. There were sprinkles of hope, laughter and love. There was always that light. There was always the drive, that desire to make sure that I mattered in the world. Even the simplest task in your day is something to celebrate. Things that you’re doing right now could be something that another is just wishing for. Don’t become complacent in your life…not even for a moment. As my typing teacher said to me after our last meeting. “Robert, live your life, live your life now to the fullest.” There’s that light I was talking about. She rose to the moment and reminded me that my story wasn’t over and I needed to celebrate it. I, in turn want to share those same words with all of you. Live your life, live your life now to the fullest.

As you step forward into 2026; take what I share with you. Hold onto your moments and cherish all of them. Don’t wish time away…it’s the only life we get. Don’t wish to get to your days off, make each day something special. I promised myself that I’d do something each day, for me. It didn’t matter if it was for just a few moments, or the smallest task. What mattered is that it was for myself, and could never be taken away. When you’ve spent as much time as I have closed off and alone; each day is special. If you are worried about the coming year. Look for the light. It will present itself, you just need to be aware and open to it.

I wish for all of you to discover in this new year. I also wish for you to find the happiness that we all want. Be a seeker. Be present in every moment. If you do this, I promise your time on this earth will improve. That being said I want to share something I found on a social media site.

“I promise you can still make a beautiful life for yourself even if you lost many years to addiction, abuse, mental illness or trauma.”

Yes! You can make a beautiful life for yourself…I’m living proof.

Happy New Year to everyone.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

The Gift of Connection: Celebrating Love and Life

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As I sit here on the Christmas day, I stop and pause. How lucky I am to be in this home. I’m warm, I’m loved, and I find myself wanting for nothing. Nothing more than being able to continue on my journey of self discovery. Taking the time to seek peace, while passing through the darkness of my past. I’m truly humbled.

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From the child that was lost and unsure of life, to the man that I’ve grown to be. I often wonder how I ever made it this far. I can say with great certainty that it wasn’t an easy road. There were moments that I wanted to give up, but something inside of me wouldn’t allow me to. No matter how dark it became, I kept searching for the light. I’m forever grateful to the many people along the way that guided me, listened to me, and noticed me. However I refer to them in my writings (Ghosts, Angels, Humans) they were are all special to me. Each provided something I was seeking and kept me on my road towards serenity.

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I share all of this with you today because I’ve been moved yet again on this morning. My wife sees me for who I am. She gifted me a couple of shirts that lets me know she understands me. She knows my struggles better than most and is still able to love me…just the way that I am. She celebrates my victories and sits with me during my struggles. I don’t have to say anything to her, she knows. When you find that kind of connection with someone in your life, it’s truly a gift. There again, I never in my wildest dreams thought that I’d find someone that I could be so open with. That I could trust so completely. Yet here I am.

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I take nothing in life for granted. I learned long ago that anything in your life can be snatched in the blink of an eye. Even your life itself can be taken away instantly. It sounds dark and ugly, but it’s truth. Truth is something that I always share in my blogs. So, on this day of worship, I’ll wrap myself in the love that surrounds me. I don’t need to step into a church to feel this way. My church is all around me. I celebrate my life and my rebirth. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I’ll stretch out my wings and fly.

I hope that whatever it is that you do today, you are at peace. I hope that you surround yourself with those that see you, and hear you. Most of all I hope you are loved, on this day and everyday going forward. I thank you all for your unwavering support of my writing, for this is truly my passion. Happy Holidays to you all.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Inner Drive: The Power Behind Your Daily Hustle

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What motivates you? What is it that drives us to get up and get things done? This can cover numerous topics; from work, working out, schooling. There are endless things that make us hustle. I happened across a saying in my travels that sits with me. “I have to work because I can’t fuck up. I don’t have anyone to fall back on. I am the back-up plan.” Once again this was something that had an immediate impact on me. Where I came from, there was no other way to make it other than to out hustle everyone. To put all of your trust in yourself. I carry a patch in my backpack that I carry for work right now that says “Believe in yourself.” Is this the person that you trust the most…yourself?

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I trust in myself first and foremost. When you’ve spent as much time as I have secluded, you change inside. The world that I come from was one of hustle, but also of deceit. There was no one to rely on to keep me safe, that had to come from me. There was no one to motivate me, I had to seek it. My travels have been well documented on here. While I felt that life was going to be short, or that my future was bleak, I still sought better. I kept looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I woke up each day looking for a way out of the maze of insanity. While I learned to hustle to stay alive, there was something else. What is that inner voice that makes you push?

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I wake to each day looking for ways to better myself. Whether it’s in my performance at the gym, or my running/walking. I desire better. I view my work life in the same manner. I go to my job, work my hardest each day. I don’t do it so that I can move up. I’ve never considered myself a ladder climber. I do it because my inner voice says “get on the hustle!” Every single thing that I do is to feed my own desire. I’ve talked about the disappointment that I feel when I don’t meet the goals that I’ve set. If you’ve spent any amount of time with me, you can pick up on my energy. Some find it to be too much, while others question my motivation. I think that’s why I chose to talk about it tonight. It also was a fitting follow up to my “Seeking Perfection” blog. They tend to walk together.

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I’ve encountered others on my journey that I see the same kind of push within them. Some have shared their views and I’ve found that many came from similar backgrounds. Some kind of traumatic happenings earlier in their life. So, perhaps it’s a trigger of sorts from the trauma? I don’t know. I can tell you that whenever I think back to being a hungry kid, it cranks my intensity up. I’m so scared of not being able to feed myself or my family. My memories are so vivid and the feelings in the pit of my stomach have never gone away. I know what I did at that age to make the pain go away. I hustled.

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Where do you see yourself on this spectrum? Do you look at life from a competitive angle? Do you want to surpass others and sit at the top. “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” That’s on an office sign as part of a collection that a previous employee gave me. There’s truth to the statement, but it’s not my kind of motivation. Do you just want to glide through life as easily as you can? I’m always curious how others think. There’s room for all of us. No two humans are the same. I won’t judge you for your choices, but I’ll probably never understand you. Much like many of you will never understand me. Just know that if you see me doing “things.” I’m feeding my own brain, my own soul. I’m not doing it for any kind of glory. This is part of my seeking. I’m seeking the best version of myself, and still feeding the boy that resides inside of me.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Seeking Perfection

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It’s been a minute since I’ve been able to sit down and get back into my comfort zone. When I tell you that I enjoy writing, it’s for real. All the many things that go through my head that I wish to set free. There’s also the need to finish out thoughts from conversations. I listen to pretty much everyone that takes the time to have an open discussion with me. If you remain open to others, there are things to be learned. That’s something that I learned early. Being trained as a voyeur is not always about what you see, but also the conversations. I take all of this information and process it. The end result is a person that is driven to seek not only truth but the best way forward. My desire for perfection is strong. Like my ability to figure people out, it can be considered both a blessing and a curse. Let’s see if I can reach others with this one. The “need” or “desire” for perfection.

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As I stated, my training early in life was about watching and picking up on details. I learned to notice the smallest things. The study of humans started as a tween and has followed me my entire life. This is one of the many skills I acquired. I consider it to be helpful at times. People have a way of showing you who and what they are without knowing it. The subtle “ticks” that they have will allow you to figure things out about them. Focus too much and it can be maddening. There are times that I just want to be and not assess. This is where the struggle comes in. I have a strong desire to “stay ahead”. This is so I can’t be harmed. Because of this, it’s rare for me to shut down. Back in the day, seeking perfection was a way of staying alive. You can’t show a weakness or someone will exploit it. The armor is always on, and while the weight is tremendous, allowing a slip was deadly.

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Moving forward, these subtle ways of managing life carry into other areas. Everything from the way you keep your home to the relationships you’re in. You have an expectation of yourself that is set at such a high level, it’s almost not obtainable. Imagine those around you when they stumble into your world. I say all the time the humans are flawed. I’m very aware of my shortcomings. I take ownership of each and every flaw that I have. The pressure that I place upon myself to get beyond those flaws is where I can get into trouble. There is literally no one that can come down on me harder than I do with myself. This is an area that I’m still working on. Attempting to free myself from the shackles I’ve placed on my own being.

I started this blog talking about seeing things through the eyes of Zombie. How I’ve viewed life as this voyeur, night crawler, sometimes demon. I’ve opened up my life to all of you. I hope that others will find a way through their own struggles. While doing this, I’ve started my own path to healing. I continue to discuss many topics that I feel can be useful and therapeutic. I see others that struggle with trying to keep things “perfect.” Anything from trying to manage their professional life, to perhaps just having a birthday party. The desire in us to please ourselves as well as others in our orbit can be draining. What is it that makes us this way? When did it start in your own life? This is something that I ponder when having my own thoughts about perfection. Not everyone experienced the type of trauma that I did growing up. So what was it that turned this on in their brain?

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As I’ve aged, there has been a certain amount of wisdom that came about. I’ve learned that I physically can’t be “perfect.” The body is going to do what the body wants to do. I’m quite certain that I’ve had numerous discussions with my body about how it treats me…lol! While my brain says “hey, get your ass moving” the body does it’s own thing. I’ve also learned that all of this seeking of perfection is just too much. Exhaustion is usually the state that I find myself in. Don’t get me wrong, I still push, and I still use the abilities that I have. I’ve just learned that I’m not superman. I’m also not entirely the “Zombie” that I once was. Zombie was relentless in the pursuit of not only perfection, but survival. I’d like to think that I’m beginning to find a balance in all of this. As discussed with my counselor, I “embrace the darker side of me now.” I use the abilities/skills that I’ve acquired from the darkness to continue to survive. I also work towards being gentle with myself at times. I asked myself the question the other day after work…”what does perfection look like in your mind?” It’s not something that I can picture. The reason for this is simple, there really is no “perfect.” Striving to be my best and accepting my flaws is the direction that I’ll travel now. I won’t always be the best at something. I can’t win every battle. My new version of perfect is finding balance. Allowing others to teach me as I go forward in life. Once again that young boy inside of me that always wanted to be invisible. The one that sat quietly studying, watching, listening, and learning is still there. He’s asked that I finally take a step back and breathe. That being said; I digress.

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Keep life in front of you. Seek love and light. Be strong in your convictions, but also take the time to be gentle with yourselves. These are all things that I knew very little of earlier in life. Learn from the lessons Zombie has put forth…and just breathe.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Life…The Long Walk

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There are moments that come about that spark something within me. Strike a nerve if you will. It can be from a casual conversation, a song, a movie or just random thoughts as I wander. Tonight, I was struck by something that was said during a movie. I invited my sister Leanna over to watch “The long walk.” It’s a Stephen King novel turned into a highly anticipated movie. We’d discussed watching for awhile now and finally had the chance. It did not disappoint, but it triggered feelings, and perhaps clarity.

I won’t get into the movie as I don’t want to spoil it for anyone planning on watching it. I will tell you that It’s set in post-apocalyptic times. That alone is something I have nightmares about all the time. Teens are made to walk until there is only one of them left. The two main characters in the movie talk about life while doing the long walk. They discuss how they came to be in this race. They also talked about what they wanted for their future if they won, and so on. The one character was getting upset as the miles began to climb and things became uncomfortable. After he expressed his frustration, the young man next to him advised him. He said he needed to gain control. “You’ve only been out here for a short time. How can you go complaining when you’ve only just begun? I’ve been doing the long walk my entire life.” As he went on to explain his childhood, or lack thereof, the gravity of his emotions grabbed me. I felt what he was saying. I’d been on the long walk as well. Always looking for a way to survive. A way to remain invisible so that I wouldn’t bring unwanted attention to myself. While this was a fictional movie, the message was clear. His life was harsh. He found himself on this long walk as way to a better life. Yet, he made the choice to always survive. To love rather than hate. To cherish friendships over seclusion. He wanted a better world not only for himself, but for others around him.

I found myself full of emotions. Tears welled up in my eyes and thoughts of my life started running wild. While I know where I’ve been, and know the things that I’ve done to survive. I’ve always looked towards hope. I leaned into survival at every turn. Along with these thoughts. I began to feel the connection to my current need to always be moving. My long walks that I cherish so much. This movie showed these young men walking as a way to survive. Staying at a set pace, moving through the miles, they could never stop…or they’d die. I’ve been on this road. I had to keep moving in order to stay alive. The promise to the winner was to be granted a wish. Anything that they desired would be granted, if they were the lone finisher. The winner, the survivor.

My walks now are a time of reflection. A way to shed the weight of the world. A time to remember where I came from and what I’m capable of. A step back in time, as well as a glimpse of my future. I’m still on that long walk but it feels different. I feel that I’ve shifted from the character in the movie that was full of darkness and driven by anger. I’ve become more of the one that chooses love, light and happiness. I think I always have, I just hadn’t realized it until now. Even at the darkest times, I wanted to find something better. I was thirsty for what others had, and drank in all of their positive energy. I held onto those that would make me feel better inside. All the while I was still on my long walk. These were the humans that may have carried me when I felt exhausted. The humans that looked after me when I felt no one cared. They were on my road making the long walk right along with me.

Life is a long walk. It’s full of peaks and valleys, rain, snow and sunshine. It wears your body down, but fills you with energy at the same time. It forces you to make choices and do things that are frightening. It test you with temptations and gifts you with all beauty of the world. The long walk is our lives. When we stop, we die. We don’t stop in the dramatic way depicted in movies. Instead, when we truly stop trying, pushing, striving, caring, and loving, we die. I learned tonight that while my journey early on in my life was dark and sad at times. I’m still here, still moving, still walking. I’m still alive and that’s something to celebrate. I want to be the one that cherishes what’s left of my life. Cherishing my loved ones, my friendships, my tribe.

The long walk is for all of us, step wisely. Hold onto hope and never quit. Reach for that finish line and be the survivor that’s granted your greatest wish. Until that day comes…I’ll see you on the road, of life!

~Robert~

Empathy in Times of Hunger: My Story

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I’m no stranger to hunger. While at this stage in my life I’m able to provide for myself and my family. There was a time when I struggled. Many of the decisions that I made early in my life were based on being poor and hungry. I found myself making a choice that I thought would take me in a better direction. This in turn put me in greater peril. When you find yourself having to make the hard choice between life and death, the moral line breaks down. I can see this happening in the world today and it’s something to be both feared and detested.

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We’re currently sitting on the edge of one of the largest shortfalls of food in our lifetime. The need to feed humans grows daily. There are more and more people facing food insecurity on a daily basis and the pending loss of support from our government will only make it worse. This is a very preventable crisis. I feel that it’s been created with an intention of cruelty. Those who have the most seem more than willing to see to it that those who have the least may soon have nothing. The hardest part of all of this is the discussions that I’ve had with other working folks. It’s as though we’ve been programmed to look at people in need as “lesser”… on the edge of inhuman. We turn our noses up at someone who requires assistance without knowing their story. I take issue with this and I’ll go on to tell you why.

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Being that I came from a household that struggled, I feel the pain of those without. I take issue with people who would continue to assist in this suffering rather than step up and help. I fail to understand how people can sit idly by while other humans can’t feed their families. Can’t feed their children. I was that child. I was that poor kid whom we seem to look away from in our society. I understand how it feels to be looked at as expendable. I was born into a poor family on the wrong side of town, so my struggle is not everyone’s problem. To the “elites” of the world, the blame (obviously) falls on my own parents and their “failures”… In their eyes, it’s not society’s job to help me. If you think for a second that it doesn’t happen this way, open your eyes and look around. Ask yourself what you do to help those in need. How do you talk about people who need help from our government? Do you spew anger because they’re getting “free” things? I challenge anyone to walk in the shoes of another, especially someone who had the misfortune of growing up poor. Once you’ve stood in that spot, perhaps you can feel what I felt as a child. No child born into this world had the ability to choose their parents. Nor where they given the choice of where they’d grow up.

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If this sounds angry, it’s because it comes from a place of just that: anger. I grow weary of hearing the terrible things being said about anyone who makes less money. I’m tired of hearing how they need to “pull up their boot straps” and work harder. Do you really think that anyone chooses to suffer? There are millions in this country who work hard every day. They work 2 and 3 jobs to try to make ends meet. Even with that, they find that because the game is rigged against the poor, they still can’t make it. Stop for a moment and look up the annual pay for a person making $15.00 an hour and tell me how you would even pay rent with that wage. Then add to that trying to feed yourself or a family. Don’t even get me started on healthcare. Heaven forbid that you get sick or break something working all the hours you have to. The struggle is real and the mindset about the poor needs to change.

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I’ve been lucky in my life. I happened upon jobs that “took a chance” on me. They looked past my zip code and the desperation on my face. My success was not all by my own doing, part of it was just luck! My life as a teen both wrecked me and built me in to someone who would never give up. I tell my story all the time so that others will know that there are many like me. The “underbelly” of the country that is willing to go the distance to survive. I talk of the feeling of being hungry and wish it on no one. The feeling in my stomach is something that I remember very well. The look on people’s faces when we had to get “government cheese” or pay for food with food stamps. The sneer of disapproval. I remember every single event as though it were yesterday. I have the ability as an adult to remember everything that made me feel like trash. I carry it as a chip on my shoulder to this very day. This too is part of my healing process. Trying to find a way to let that restless anger find peace. There can be no peace in a world that won’t feed its inhabitants.

I ask that you take a moment and slow your judgment on others. Reach deep inside of yourself and remember to have empathy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve referenced that word. I feel as though it’s been lost in our society, or perhaps just discarded from the dictionary. (EMPATHY the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.) If you’re in a position to help others, it should be your duty to do so. As I’ve stated, I’ve never forgotten where I came from. Not for a single second. I give to those in need. I support those who want to make a better life. I look to those who struggle and smile. I want them to know that I see them and feel their struggles. I fail to understand how anyone can look at another human being and just simply dismiss them. I suppose it’s easy when you don’t struggle yourself. Perhaps you’ve always had everything you needed in your life. If that’s the case, you’re truly blessed. I mean it when I say that. You were blessed to be born in circumstances that allowed you to flourish. Without the burden of being hungry, or homeless, forgotten.

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While I struggle now with my demons, I still consider myself lucky. I don’t want for food as I did years ago. I’m able to sleep in a warm bed on cold nights. Yet I will hold on to the old feelings. They were real. I will remember the things said to me, both good and bad. I’ve formed them into a drive that rivals anyone’s. Not just to succeed in my own life, but to assist others. I want to leave this world knowing that I did everything that I truly could to love others. I’m hopeful that I can one day lay down and be at peace because I did everything to save myself and other “children of God.” Look within yourself today and ask yourself if you’ll be able to do the same. The world needs us. What will you do? I’ll end with this. Years ago I was asked by a senior manager at my workplace, “Why do you give so much to charities?” I was surprised by the question and simply said “Because it’s the right thing to do.”

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~