Navigating Dreams and Darkness

August 29, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I know that there were some who were either terrified by my last blog posting, or concerned. When I come to this blog site, it’s both informative (hopefully), and my dumping ground of sometimes the darkest feelings. It’s a tool of sorts for me. I’m able to better express myself through my typing because as I’ve stated before, I’m better able to keep up with the speed of my thoughts by typing. The days of sitting with a pen or pencil are long gone. Once I discovered the typewriter, or the keyboard in general, there was no looking back. There’s also a level of comfort this way. No one is looking at me, I can go through all the emotions without anyone seeing them first hand. I’m sure that you’ve gathered, if you’ve read this over time, that I’ve been very secretive throughout my life. I’m working on being more comfortable having open discussions with others about my past. I’ve made great breakthroughs this year, but there are still times that I don’t want everyone to know or see “all the things.” My counselor Amy is the only human who currently knows (almost) all of my secrets.

In my last blog I starting talking about having nightmares again. This was a topic of discussion with my counselor this week and we’ve decided that it’s my subconscious attempting to “cut” away from the darkness of my past. My dreams have been vivid and disturbing. We discussed some of the events and went through how I felt about them in order to find a connection. Dreams can be loaded with symbolism and we were able to connect some of the dots. I also believe that these dark blogs that have surfaced are part of my desire to continue to break free. Learning to use my “second sight” as well as learning how to shut it down are the next steps forward. Because I see everything, that means that I also start to think about it, carry it, work towards building up armor against everything. There are some things that I literally need to learn to not see, or not react to.

There has been a steady stream of things that have caused my shield to be raised up from my side. In ancient warfare, shields were essential for defense, and this metaphor illustrates the believer’s reliance on divine strength. I talk about shields, armor, and even walls. I’ve relied on these types of mental barriers to keep me safe. To hold my sanity intact. There are some things that would’ve absolutely broken me had I not put my shield in place. This too has fed into my dreams. Fighting demons, shadowy figures, and perhaps the devil himself. Scenes that mimic what I may have encountered earlier in my life, and some that are settings you’d see in the ugliest horror films. My next steps are to try to ride these dreams out, and when I wake, write them down instead of my current safeguard of purging them from my mind. The thought process is that there’s a story to be told in all of this. My subconscious is trying to tell me something and I need to listen.

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Rather than sitting in my chair asking why, I need to sit still prior to sleep and attempt to ask for answers… Let my brain start to do its work and give it some “food for thought” so that it takes me where I need to go. Much like anything I’ve encountered with getting healthy, it’s unsettling. Yes, I’m scared, but I fear slipping away, or being mentally lost to more than nightmares. I have a shirt that I wear on occasions that says KFG on it. “Keep F*cking Going.” I’m leaning into that all the time. While some may think it’s only a slogan, or it’s only a t-shirt, to me it shows my determination to never quit. It’s one of several hashtags that I’ve used for many years. Never quitting is also something that I preach to any who come to me for advice. To those who might be struggling with their own demons. To anyone who reads my blogs. Know this; when I write on here, no matter how deep or dark it gets I’m never going to quit. At the darkest point in my life I made the choice to remain in this world. I’ve never wavered in my conviction to keep moving forward. I made a solemn promise to myself that I can never go back on.

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I speak often of the child that still resides inside of me. I look to nurture and protect him in the manner that he always desired. I think if I stopped, if I quit, it would be no different than abandoning this boy. I picture a child standing in the middle of a dirt road and me driving away. I picture this because it’s one of the dreams that I’ve seen through. As if a camera was jumping the scene back and forth, from close-up to distant, I could see the tears falling from his face, the lost and lonely look of defeat. All the while the distance between the boy and myself continued. It was one of the hardest hitting dreams to date for me.

I’ll wrap this up today with my positive upswing. I’m still here. I’m still working on, and aware of my problems. I’m going to Keep F*cking Going because it’s what survivors do. I said those very words to a person close to me just the other day. “I won’t falter, I’ll be alright because I’m a survivor and it’s what we do.” If you’ve been worried, I appreciate it, but I’m finding my way. This is all part of the process to becoming whole. The ebbs and flows of my life. It just happens to be on full display every time I sit at this keyboard and write. I’m still here and I’ll be alright.

Thank you for following along on my journey through this life.

~Robert/Zombie~

The Path to Recovery: Embracing Life’s Trials

August 26, 2026August 26, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

This is a world that I feel safe in. The sound of my keyboard beneath my fingertips, clicking away at the speed of my thoughts. I come here to step away from the “Real World.” More and more I question so many things around me. I work relentlessly to pull myself back from the edge. I’ve had a good run going for a bit, but can’t seem to shake this nagging feeling of hopelessness. I’ve taken to having nightmares again. Not the reoccurring ones that plagued me for years, but new horrible ones that have me forcing myself awake. Some have been so vivid and dark that I’ve forced myself to forget them when I awake. I can’t seem to settle unless I drive them out of my memory. I find myself sitting in my chair speaking aloud “what is going on?” What has triggered these dreams?

There have been people in my orbit who have disappointed me. There have also been those who have turned their back to me. I’ve encountered those who are looking to challenge my strength. This puts me back in a place of darkness. I find myself wondering why I stepped out of the shadows and revealed myself to the world. Did I make the right choice? Was I better off staying in hiding? To say that I lack the ability to truly trust another human is an understatement. In my mind, there is always an agenda.

Just typing those words holds sadness for me. The constant battle within of child and adult looking for a way out. The feeling of screaming in an open field with no one to hear me. This too is something that I’ve discussed with my counselor on more than one occasion. What is it that I need to fill this void? What can put out the fire of rage? I’ve been told to pray, to look to God for the answers. I’ve looked to God and begged for guidance. I spent my youth praying in my bed for something to change; for life to feel free. The best thing that perhaps was guided by a higher power was the gift of Karla to my life. The one true human who looks at me without pity, without fear. She looks at me with love in her eyes. She looks at me as though I’m the strongest human alive. I want to be able to see myself as she does. I want to look at others and believe that they are good as well.

James 1:12: “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.”

It looks like it’ll be another short night of sleep, but I really needed to get these thoughts out of my head. I was told in an Al-anon meeting that “the length of time that you’ve been sick, is the length of time you require to heal.” Given that kind of timeline, I look to stay in recovery for years to come. As my counselor said “you’ll have these ups and downs for the rest of your life.” I’m trying to grasp that and remember that I need to give grace even when it feels impossible. Believe me when I tell you that I’d much rather be chatting on here about happier things. I’d rather be done saying all the quiet things out loud. I remember some time back writing about “finding my way back to center.” There is so much to unpack in those words. If nothing else, my writing will shed light on the damage that is caused to children that carries into their adult life. It pushes aside the idea that we can just “grow through” things. No, you never grow through it, you look for ways to deal with it so that you can fall asleep at night. It also rings the alarm bell that people are struggling all over this country; only to have others turn a blind eye to the suffering. It’s easy to label someone as crazy or sick. There’s comfort in pointing the finger of judgement at another.

I’ll be heading off to bed now. My day starts early and I need to put on the face that’s required to walk among others. I always look to morning as a fresh start. No matter how bad I might be feeling at this moment, I get a chance to make things right. I think I’ll leave it at that for now.

Thank you for following along on my journey through life.

~ZOMBIE~

Detaching With Love

August 9, 2026August 9, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

It’s said that “you can’t choose your family.” There’s some truth in that statement. When we arrive into this world, the parents that we receive aren’t chosen by us. Nor are the siblings that we are surrounded with. A bond is formed as time progresses and we’re taught that we are to love and protect one another. In many cases, our family members can become our best friends. There are also cases in which we become strangers. Family dynamics are something that I’ve dived into before. The complexities that have surrounded my family have been maddening at times, but I’ve always tried to stay the course. Time, space, and other factors get mixed in and things aren’t always what they seem. To say that I come from dysfunction is fair, but I also believe that all families have some level of dysfunction within their structure.

My life has been a blur at times. Things seem to move faster as time goes on. When I was younger, I wished to be older so that I would gain respect. Yeah, that’s not a thing, but I was young and still learning the world around me. I caution anyone who’s in a hurry to grow up to stop doing that. Slow down and enjoy being young. Enjoy all the things that children, tweens, and even teens should be doing. Life will speed up before you know it and you’ll be wondering, like the rest of us what happened and where all the time went.

Time spent with family also changes with time. When you’re younger and grouped together with your siblings, and parents, there is a level of comfort. You’re with the people that you’ve been around for years. Parents are supposed to be our everything when we’re young. Friendships start to develop, school, part-time jobs, – all the things that start to welcome you to the outside world. This can be exciting times. Learning that the world is so big, and that there are so many people out there who think and feel differently from what you’ve become accustomed to. This can also be an introduction to the darker side of things: People who are looking to feed on you before you’re mature enough to fend for yourself. That has been a big part of my story on here. The wolf that came in sheep’s clothing and changed my life forever.

Through everything, my love for my family and my desire to always protect them never wavered. I promised to never speak of my life in the underground in order to keep my family from harm. I took on the responsibility of the protector by sacrificing myself. All through my life I stayed close to my family. Forever watchful for any darkness that would try to find its way into the home. I gave warning when I sensed danger approaching. I took care of business when someone got too close or tried to harm my sisters. Even my father who was tough as nails had a habit of allowing bad people to remain in his orbit. I’d whisper my thoughts to him. He seldom listened to me, and just wrote me off as a paranoid child – not knowing that I was skilled in the art of deception myself. I was a professional voyeur and recognized evil. My sisters listened from time to time. Again, looking at me as the overprotective brother. Letting people find their own way even when you know it’s not going to go well is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. You can only wait until things get broken and hope that you’ll be able to help pick up the pieces and put them back together. It’s safe to say that I’ve always loved my sisters. Life lessons sometimes just have to be learned the hard way. I can’t save the world.

I’ve said before that if you’re in my circle, I’m fiercely loyal and protective. I’ll always step up to protect my family. While I didn’t choose them, there is still a bond that’s forged from years of being with one another. Not all family members are like this. Perhaps I should say that over time, they change. I think we can all agree that we probably don’t spend as much time around siblings as we’ve grown older. Perhaps a get together in the summer or around a holiday. It’s understandable because life ramps up, kids come into the picture, jobs, all the things. Some might even take your company for granted. This is where things become murky.

My mother (rest in peace) learned from her mother before her how to divide and conquer. What I mean by this is that she would tell one of her children something and the other something completely different. This caused friction between siblings. A friction that only the mother could then control. A master of puppets if you will. This carried through the family and caused issues as we became adults. There was always something that we were mad at each other about. My sister Gini seemed to get caught up in the web of deception on numerous occasions and would stay angry for months or longer at a time. Jealousy and betrayal were words that I could use to describe what was happening. All of it was based on nothing. Then when my mother was in her final month of life, she pulled me aside and asked me to repair the damage. To make the family whole again. She placed at my feet the burden of trying to repair what she had broken. I’d already started a group text with my sisters so that we were all aware of what was really being said. It was the beginning. Hoping it would grow and we could all be whole again.

Years later, I’ve discovered that not only was it unfair for my mother to place that weight on me, but it was a task that was undeliverable. Even as siblings, we’re all humans first. Humans make their own choices and will do things even when you attempt to warn them. Some things are just broken beyond repair. It’s taken me time to understand all of this, but I do now. One of the sayings from Al-anon was to learn to “detach with love.” Meaning that you need to let them go, but it doesn’t mean that you stop loving them. The other thing that always comes to mind is the poem “Reasons, Seasons and Lifetime”. While you’d think that family falls directly into Lifetime, that’s not always the case. I’ve seen it in my own family in different generations, and I’ve watched it play out in other families. We’re flawed humans, and we don’t always make the right moves. When this happens now…I simply detach with love.

Part of the discussion with my sister Leanna on our walk today was life going forward. I told her that I’ve been isolated throughout so much of my life, when people drop out of it I wonder will it hurt me later down the road? When my circle becomes smaller, will I feel that my decisions were a mistake? My thought today is no. I loved my parents dearly. While I speak of my mother’s flaws, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t care about her all the way to the end. It simply means that I saw through those flaws and allowed her to be who she was. There have been moments with my siblings when I just shook my head in disbelief over things either said or done. It doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped loving any of them. I had to find it within myself to keep moving forward. Perhaps they were a Reason or a Season as well. Maybe it was their job to look over me during a period of time and then set me free. All things that I think about on my journey through this life.

As always, thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

Facing the Storm

July 25, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

So, I’ve made it through another week. I’m not sure what keeps gnawing at me but I feel uneasy. A regular trip to Costco caused anxiety to kick into high gear. Aisles felt too tight, people rushing all around me became dizzying. I usually do well in this environment, but today felt different. I’ve been busy self analyzing (which you shouldn’t do) and come up with nothing. To describe the feeling, it’s like you can see and feel a storm on the horizon. I feel the breeze picking up, the change in the air temperature, the colors before me turn dark. Something is brewing…I just don’t know what it is.

After my last session with my counselor we’ve decided to push forward with EMDR. (EMDR therapy, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a psychotherapy technique designed to help individuals process and heal from traumatic memories.) I have several sessions scheduled as this is the best way to dig into what’s going on. I’ve stated before that this is helpful therapy for me, but I also tend to be nervous, and perhaps a little frightened. If you’re wondering why I’d be scared, it’s because this opens up doors to things that you’ve slammed shut. The numerous traumas that you’ve experienced all want to come back to the surface. When you’ve spent a lifetime hiding things away, this can be overwhelming.

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Let me say that I trust my counselor implicitly. She has guided me through so much already. I have no reason to fear her at this point. What I fear is what lies beneath the surface. The storm that is waiting and ready to unleash its full power. I’ll try to put this into perspective so that it’s palatable. Let’s say that you witness an armed robbery. You see the violence that’s involved, the gun being wheeled around and pointed at some innocent person’s face. All of this happens in a matter of moments, but your brain records all of it in slow motion. While it records it, it can also distort what you’ve seen. Your brain has a way of trying to protect you. It immediately begins damage control. Placing items into boxes and storing them away so that you’re able to go about your day. The adrenaline dump can cause your nervous system to go at super high speeds. Again, the brain works to slow you down, bring you back to earth. When you’ve experienced horrible situations on a regular basis, your brain becomes overloaded. So much so that it can just shut down. I’ve talked about these moments when triggered by something. How things spin out of control and I just shut down. The ultimate in protection is to seal everything away. My brain has taken a huge portion of my life and has placed the most traumatic parts into boxes, and stored them under lock and key. The reason: to protect my sanity.

This brings us to doing the EMDR. This process helps you to unpack the boxes slowly and with care. Thus, keeping me safe from the harm that my brain felt was too much at that time. I’ve found in previous sessions with EMDR that numerous things that I’d seen and never thought for a moment were causing me harm were the worst offenders. While the brain is protective, it’s also clever. The problem with how everything has been stored is that it’s been stored in a container that, after sitting for years, is now leaking. All of the ugliness has begun leaching into your entire system. It’s now poisoning you while it runs its course through your veins. EMDR is used to remediate things that are causing you harm.

I’ve reached another plateau in my drive to become whole. Do I fear what is waiting inside of my stored boxes? Absolutely, but I understand that in order for me to find the peace that I desire within myself, I have to do the work. As my counselor stated previously “you’ll go through these ups and downs for the rest of your life.” Knowing that, don’t you think it’s better to face the storm head on? Leaving things unresolved leads to more fractures and further feelings of unhappiness. Finding a way out of this is what I desire. I can’t change the things that have happened to me. I also can’t just say that they’re all in the past. While they reside in the past, my brain has held the darkness tightly. It’s time to release it, but in a controlled environment, and with care.

I’ll hold it together until I begin my process. I’ve gained strength through the years. The idea that I’m sitting here telling the world all of my secrets is proof that I’m progressing. This is part of my therapy and a reason to keep going. I know that others suffer greatly, and I see you. Something else that’s come about over the years is that I’ve begun carrying other’s burdens as if they were my own. I’ve seen the hurt in eyes and wanted to remove it. I need to understand that my story is my own and that I can write about my journey, share my feelings, but I mustn’t take on anyone else’s pain. The load that I carry now can be too much at times. To add extra weight is an act of futility.

The storm is coming, I feel it. I’d like to think that the vessel is strong enough to weather this storm. Not only weather it, but come through it to the other side where calm waters await me. Thank you for reading this entry today. I need to purge these feelings, or at least say them out loud so that it all feels real. My world was a secret for most of my life. I don’t want it to be a secret any longer.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

Don’t Let The Hard Days Win

July 19, 2026July 19, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

“Don’t let the hard days win.” The words scroll across the chest of my t-shirt. What exactly is behind this phrase? To me it is a reminder that when things start to get bad in my mind, I can’t allow them to get out of hand. Regardless of what part of the anatomy is being challenged, the processing still goes through the brain. Our minds are powerful and can alter every part of the body. Breathing can change, the ability to speak can be taken away, and the heart can race. This is the power that our mind has over the rest of the system. I suffer from PTSD and have found another’s description of it to be spot on: PTSD says, “I’ll replay your nightmares while you’re awake. I’ll drag you back to the moment you broke. Every sound and every smell, will remind you you’re never safe.” That’s a very true assessment and part of my hard days. While I’ve escaped my nightmare of youth, it still haunts me. Let’s talk about this.

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I suppose I’ll start by asking what does a hard day look like to you? Waking up on the wrong side of the bed? Another phrase that’s used regularly. Waking up and just not “feeling it.” It’s as though everything that you stumble across turns to crap. Perhaps an overload of assignments at your work place? That’ll stress anyone out. Car breaking down, dog is sick, late getting to an appointment, the list is endless of things that can be considered part of a hard day.

There are those in this world that would think most of the things I spoke of are easy. I wrote about this prior and asked “what is your hard?” I also like to ask when faced with these hard days, or challenges, what are you willing to do? When things seem insurmountable what is it that keeps you going? Some of life’s challenges can come from within. The rest of the world aside, things that sit inside of us can become crippling at times. This is when you have to dig deep to find a way forward.

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All of the many barriers that have been placed in front of me throughout my life have paled in comparison to the one that was created within my own head. In all fairness, I was forced to become self sufficient when it came to my mental stability. Traumatic events that were witnessed lead me to a world within myself. In order to maintain my sanity I had to stuff emotions away. Walk with a smile as though nothing was wrong. Place the mask on my face that would hide the darkness that raged inside of me.

“The child who wasn’t comforted still lives inside the adult who doesn’t ask for help.” ~Ticus poetry~

I reference the mask because you see it so much in society. There is so much that is hidden away. When I take my long walks I’m always wondering about all of the many humans that are playing out their own version of life in each home as I pass. Regardless of the size and stature of the dwelling, there is always a hidden story. This brings me back to the title of the book that I’m still working on “Silence and Secrets.” There was a time that I’d thought I was the only one who hid my secrets away. I’ve grown to understand that we all do it. The level to which we take it is where the difference comes in.

My hard days now are more about sliding backwards. I’ve worked hard to dig my way out of a pit that I never thought possible. It seems as though just when I’m about to reach the top, without warning, something just drags me back down. It’s frustrating and hurts to my core. I can tell you that it doesn’t even take an event to trigger this, I can literally just wake up this way. Flick of a switch! The rush of anger, betrayal, and darkness descend upon me. This is my version of that hard day. I’m grateful that I have some years of counseling under my belt now, but even with that I find myself questioning my progress. In my most recent session, I was trying to explain this feeling. A feeling that I’m sh*t. Make that make sense. I have homework now and my assignment is to write two separate lists. On one; all the reason that I think I’m sh*t. On the other I’m to write why I’m not. I’ll let you know later how that goes.

“I say I’m fine, so you believe it. I laugh, so you stop asking. I joke, so you don’t worry.”

Again, I go through all of this so that I can both cleanse myself of any bad feelings, but to also let others know that they’re not alone. I know that there are others out there who look at themselves as “not good enough” or, as in my case, feel that they are sh*t. We’ve all found our way down this path of deception, but from different trails. The how we got here is important for our own story, the ability to fight our way through these days should be a united front. In my absolute worst moments, I believed that things could still get better. I believed in the power of tomorrow. I still have to tell myself that when I feel like I’m sh*t; that I’ll feel better again. Although I’ve dug my way to the top of the pit and unfortunately slid back down, I have the power to pick myself up and start digging again. I refuse to quit. I refuse to take the assessment of a single morning believing that I’m sh*t and carry it forward.

The path forward is whatever you want it to be. I’ll get busy on my homework and write out all the things. I’ll do it because I know that it’ll help me to better understand myself. It’ll help me to choose the right path. It’ll help me to divulge all of the secrets and bring them into the light. I’ve been told that this is the way things will be for me for the rest of my life. I’ve learned to accept that. I’m just trying to get to a place that when the bad days hit, I’m the best version of me I can be. If I am, I’ll have the power to say “not today.” So please, don’t let the hard days win.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

The Hustle of Life: Lessons from Struggles

July 11, 2026July 11, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’ve taken my long walk today and allowed myself that time to process the many things that roll through my mind throughout the work week. I look forward to my time on the road and then sitting down to share the many things that are seen through the eyes of Zombie.

There are times when I feel that the universe is reaching out to me to say something. When I come across a topic that perhaps I’ve been holding for awhile. I get a nudge from somewhere, a voice if you will that says “write about this.” When this happens I know that it’s time to grab my keyboard and get to it, so here we are.

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As always, I’m looking at this through my own perspective on life. My views have been shaped by the way I grew up and the experiences that I’ve been through. Today’s topic has to do with work -specifically the work ethic, or in some cases, the lack thereof. I did a blog earlier that went into my work history and gave my feelings about jobs. I think events, comments, and actions by others have prompted me to once again get into this.

If by chance you grew up poor, there is a possibility that you’ll understand my view. I came from a home that on many occasions was lacking in the basic necessities of life. There was a struggle to keep lights on, heat during the winter, and of course adequate food. I still to this day have food insecurity issues from my childhood. I panic inside if I don’t feel that there is enough food in our pantry. While I can look at it and see the food, my brain is telling me that there’s not enough. I can still remember looking into cabinets, searching for something, anything that would make my stomach stop hurting. Until you’ve gone without food, you truly have no idea how terrible of a feeling that is, and what it does to you for the rest of your life.

In order to offset these shortcomings; I found what I thought was a ticket to a better life. It was presented by a man that was friends with my father. As you’re all aware by now; this was the man that would groom me to become a street hustler. I learned by watching and studying humans how to maneuver through darkness and become something that I never wanted to be. Why did I go this route? Hunger and the lack of human necessities to survive. While the work was tough and I had to keep everything away from my family, the short money was covering for shortfalls in my life. It wasn’t about having extravagant things, it was about eating, staying warm, feeling some kind of security. That security came at a hefty cost that I would only come to realize later in my life.

Throughout my working life there have been times that I would remind myself of things that I was taught by this underworld figure. He had numerous sayings that he would toss around on a very regular basis. “Don’t ever trust anyone” was always the #1 rule of the day followed closely by “There’s a cost to everything in this world, nothing is free.” Learning to understand those statements and implement them properly in my life was confusing. If I can’t trust anyone, how will I ever love? How will I ever have a friend? If I can only rely on myself, where does that leave me?

So many questions with so few answers. It’s probably why I’ve struggled so with relationships. I look at people as though they’re either a predator, or a “mark.” Once again, everything to me is simply black or white, life or death. “Nothing is free” then makes you wonder when someone wants to assist you in some fashion, what is it that they truly want? Why would anyone want to help without wanting something in return? The saving grace was encountering some special people over the years who proved to me that I could trust them. They asked for nothing from me, it was just them being good humans.

This leads me back to my original topic: work. I’ve encountered people who have struggled much the same as I have. They were always busting ass to make it. Grateful for their paycheck and willing to go the extra mile. I’m competitive by nature and have always felt that I’d “never let anyone out hustle me.” Whatever you were willing to do at work, I’d step up on you. My drive and passion are relentless. The poison from my past had a way of steering me, giving me the desire to succeed. Success to me is having a place to live, food to eat, along with the ability to pay my utilities. Anything past that is a bonus in my world. I feel that people too often forget how rich they are. To have these things and look at them as though they’re expected. To have a job that pays you enough to live freely is a gift. One that I’ve always been grateful for. “An honest day’s pay for an honest day’s work.”

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I feel as though there are many who have either been handed everything, or never struggled in life. So often I hear people “hating” the very employer that has allowed them the ability to thrive. What is it that caused this seething within a human? At some point you were sitting in front of an H.R. employee, or perhaps a representative of a company selling yourself in hopes of making a better life for yourself, and perhaps a family. Once they gave you the nod and brought you in; how did this then become hate? I’ve had my moments with each of my employers over the years where I might have been upset about something, but it never rose to the level of hatred. If I ever become so unhappy at a workplace, I make a decision to weigh out the pros and cons of the job. If the cons override the pros, I move on. If the pros are on the higher side, I look for ways to adjust myself so that I can keep moving. Find balance.

I think my advice to most would come from the kid in me. Find a way to survive. Lean into what you have and find ways to make yourself happy. Success will follow. Be grateful for what you have, truly grateful. If you’re employed, working hard and have the necessities to keep going, you’re already winning. Then, ask yourself what it is that you need. I’m sure that we all have our idea of what we need. I like to look at things as a “need” and a “want.” Live within your means and find ways to relax while away from your employer. Work is a mechanism to support our survival. It will provide you with funds so that you can eat food, pay utilities, put gas in your car, send your kids to school, and again, thrive.

This has been sitting on my lists of things to cover for a few years. I’m glad that I have the opportunity to sit here at my computer and express my take on life and work. In years prior, I would’ve said nothing about this and simply looked at other humans as the predator, or the mark. Take a moment to look around you. If you’re reading this, I’m already assuming that you’re rich in your life. Ask yourself what it is that you “need.” What are the needs vs the wants? Find that balance in your life and you’ll be on your way to being happier. Me? It’s simple; I’m always going to stay on the hustle because it’s just who I am. I never want to go back to where I came from, so I enjoy what I have. I cherish my time away from work, but I’m grateful to be employed. My employer and my drive have brought me to a place that I never, as a child thought were possible. The gift I received from being a survivor was that I’ll never forget where I came from. The struggle that has been life has lead me to this road of success. I’m never going back.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

The Value of Moments: Life Beyond Possessions

June 28, 2026July 11, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’ve been away from my keyboard for a minute and I don’t mind telling you, that’s hard on me. This is truly where I seek my refuge. It’s my Zen and my calling to write about my life and the world as I see it. Time away from this place leaves me vulnerable to darker ways of thinking. I’m aware of this and have worked hard to stay away from those thoughts. Everyday things can become scrutinized, or looked upon in a manner that does not serve my true being. This takes me back to why I started this blog. My sub title says it clearly “Life seen through the eyes of Zombie.” Lets look together, shall we?

I’ll share a few things that gained my attention of late. Forever the voyeur, I continue to watch and learn how humans go about their lives and how they look at others, how they show their displeasure, or just the sheer lack of empathy. I’ve seen much since my last blog that has disturbed me, and left me with those old feelings of rage, and hopelessness. The feelings are the same as in the past, but thankfully I’m more prepared to deal with them now. Things don’t get out of control, but the darkness is forever patient. It’s a temptress that offers immediate gratification if I just do things the way it’s asking me to.

I take at least one long walk every week that consist of at least 10 miles. Most times I take a familiar course that goes directly through the neighborhoods that I ran in as a kid. Some of these streets are where I performed my duties as part of the underworld. You could say that I’m painfully familiar with literally every step of pavement that I’m walking on. There are times when it’s like a flashback. I remember things as vividly as when they first went down. When this happens I feel everything from that moment all at once. There have been times when it literally takes my breath away. While I don’t talk about it with my sister or wife if they’ve come along, I just take time to remember the moment, process it, and give myself grace from that time. I can’t change what happened, I can just remind myself that I survived it.

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The walks have been tough lately because of the struggles that people are going through. Again, I’ve been there and know that a human trying to survive will do whatever it takes to stay alive. You can see this on full display during these walks. Because my brain processes things differently that others, I tend to focus, or see things that most don’t. The many homes that have their front yard covered in personal items due to being evicted. The sickly looking, bone thin humans wandering aimlessly looking for something to make them feel better, if only for a moment. The hustlers that are controlling their surroundings in order to make their fortunes. It’s short money, but hustlers gotta hustle. Life is usually short for them, so they live as large as they can while on this earth. Items, “things” become all that matter to them. It’s all out there.

This weekend there was an estate sale close to my home. The couple that lived in this home were wonderful to me. The husband would come out and ask “how many miles are you getting today” every time he’d see me heading down the road. On one occasion he stopped me and told me to take a big bundle of peaches home. This kind of thing was happening just because I passed him on my walk every day and we’d formed a bond. Unfortunately, his wife passed away and shortly after he too left this earth. I found myself going past the house looking for that friendly smile and wondering if they were together again. Missing the moments I shared with them. Their entire life of collected items was now spread out throughout the home and garage by strangers hired to sell off their life’s collection. Now I realize that this is a business and some feel that it’s a necessity. My view is different. When I see an estate sale, I tend to see people acting in a way that makes me realize there’s an animal inside of each of us. They flock like vultures feeding on a dead carcass. Scrambling to grab all of the treasures before someone else can get them. Parking in front lawns, blocking intersections, positioning themselves for the front row! On my return home from my walk today, one of the ladies that had been parked in the front lawn had taken her dog out of the vehicle and then allowed it to “do it’s business” right there in the front yard. Then packed her dog up and left. I watched the owner of this home work tirelessly on keeping his home and lawn perfect. Once he was gone, a stranger felt that it was nothing more than a dumping ground after she sifted through he and his wife’s life collection.

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This is probably why I’m such a minimalist to this very day. I see no value in things. I don’t collect items, or trinkets. Time and time again in my life I’ve watched family members fight tooth and nail over “things” because it should belong to them now. I’ve seen other estates sales where people were fighting over a “thing” that they felt they grabbed first. It’s truly the ugliest of moments for a human. This also goes back to what I was stating with humans and their desire to survive. They’ll literally fight another human for an item because they see value that could possibly make their life better. Hustlers on the hustle. Street life, or the underworld are not far from everyday life.

I try to keep my focus on the beauty of the world. I keep my eyes wide open searching for the things that bring me joy. Watching the creatures of the world go through the cycle of life. Watching the geese that return each year to have little ones. To watch them grow from little balls of fuzz into beautiful adult birds. I seek out dogs that I’ve watched grow from puppies. I can tell you where every dog lives on my walking paths. When they’re out in their yard I always have time for a chat or pet. The smells of spring flowers that fill the air while I walk. All of these things help me to remember that the world as a whole isn’t shit. I love having my wife or sister along with me on my walks. My wife has a way of viewing things differently. She’s not scarred by the past the way I am, and it’s refreshing. She too reminds me that it’s not all darkness, the light is still there, you just have to look through her eyes rather than Zombie’s.

Life is precious and requires a balance. I have to find ways to look past these things that eat at my soul. I think of what little I have to leave behind that the vultures would find of interest. I’ll leave behind my works, my random thoughts poured out onto paper or this computer screen. Poems about love and loss. Hopefully my book will find it’s way to being finished and shared. Physical things will not be treasured by me. I live now for moments. Zombie’s eyes are still watching, but Robert’s stronger now. I’m going to take the moments that I shared with a wonderful neighbor and hold those. I’ll remember the love that he had for his wife, and how heartbroken he was by her loss. I’ll keep walking and thinking of the peaches that he offered to me. Because in the end, those moments are what truly mattered.

In my closing; I’d promised one of my readers that I would post a poem I wrote years ago. It’s called “Free” written in May of 1994. I’ll also throw in one that I wrote about the American Flag being that we’re coming up on a celebration. I hope you all enjoy.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

FREE

Set me free from all of this

My God I am in need

Take away this suffering

That leaves my soul to bleed

Show me how to smile again

I think I’ve lost my way

And say the way I feel right now

Won’t last another day

And if you feel my time is through

I’ve put up my best fight

Come sit and hold my shaking hand

To say that it’ll be alright.

I AM

My eyes have seen great triumphs and sorrows

I have stood proudly during war and peace time

I have ridden on the uniform of brave soldiers

And been held in the hands of small children

I stand for Liberty and Justice

I stand for those who have fallen to ensure my existence

I will continue to hold my post

And fly high above the tallest of buildings

I AM the American Flag

And my colors run deep with the pride

Of the many who stand in allegiance with me.

Living Beautifully Broken

June 11, 2026June 11, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’m always searching for ways to assist others in understanding me. Not that it’s anyone’s job to do so, but it can help close gaps. Better conversations are had when you know who you’re dealing with. There have been times where I’ve been described as an “overthinker.” That’s not really the case. My brain is such that it is constantly analyzing, anticipating and preparing for threats. I prepare myself for all different scenarios so that I’m ready to engage when they come to fruition. It can be exhausting, which is why you may hear me say that I’m tired on many occasions. When I first tried to describe my feelings to my counselor, I told her that I was “always on.” The environment that I came from assisted in forming this, along with being made to study humans and report on what I observed.

There are complexities to all humans. I state time and time again that everyone could benefit from time with a counselor. I want to start out this blog by stating first that I’m not perfect, nor do I want to come across as knowing everything. I don’t. I seek answers to all the things that torture me in my daily life. I want to better understand the inner workings so that I can find ways to correct my actions. Imagine stepping into a room full of people, let’s say at a party. Joyful conversation, good music, possibly some adult beverages going around. This would seem to most as an environment that begs to be enjoyed. A time to let loose and take everything in. When I see a room like this my first reaction is to play out all the many things that could go wrong so that I’m prepared. I check exits, I assess the people themselves. Who looks to be a threat or what could get out of hand. I see alcohol and that is an immediate trigger because I know the things that alcohol can do to a human and how their behavior can change. This is a glimpse into my world. This is how I walk around each day of my life. Whether at work, driving my car, shopping at the store, or going out to a social gathering. My brain has to put in the work.

( Hypervigilant symptoms are clinically described as a perpetual scanning of the environment to search for sights, sounds, people, behaviors, smells, or anything else that is reminiscent of activity, threat or trauma. The individual is on high alert in order to be certain danger is not near; it can lead to a variety of obsessive behavior patterns, as well as producing difficulties with social interaction and relationships.)

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Needless to say; my reactions to events at times come in the form of a trauma response. Described by my counselor as more of a life or death view. This too came from having to make decisions at a very young age that were just that: life or death. Things need to be black or white, there is no gray area. The gray area leads to chaos and disorder. When I was younger, the gray area could lead to far worse things.

You can imagine the level of “chill” that my wife has to be with someone like me. We balance one another out very well. I’m the protector, the watcher always thinking and ready to respond. She’s a thinker too, but sees things in a more positive fashion and takes the time to remind me that the entire world is not really shit. She’s talked me off a ledge countless times over the years. Recently she could just see it on my face that I was in crisis and simply gave me a hug. It’s moments like this that bring me back from whatever dark area I’ve fallen into. I’m still, and always will be a work in progress.

Being alert all the time was my way of surviving. I cherish that gift for guiding me through hell. Unfortunately the gift can be a curse as well. When I wake in the morning, the brain begins its slow and methodical process of all “the things.” Sharing this might help some of you not only understand me better, but perhaps yourself or someone in your life who is much the same. I still love to use the term “Beautifully Broken.” In all of this, I’ve learned to like myself, and in some ways even love who I am. I always have the best of intentions when I do things, it just might seem a bit odd to some.

I felt that during this month of PTSD awareness I’d share a little more of my inner workings. Again, I’m never looking for pity, or even some kind of recognition. I’m simply telling the stories of one singular human whi is trying to understand and survive being human.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

Understanding PTSD: Symptoms and Struggles of Recovery

June 9, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I think it’s convenient that June is PTSD awareness month. I talked about mental health month in May and covered some of my struggles, along with acknowledging that there are so many out there fighting the same fight. Getting into a more precise part of my struggles brings me to PTSD. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Symptoms: Symptoms may include disturbing thoughts, feelings, or dreams related to the events, mental or physical distress to trauma-related cues, attempts to avoid trauma-related cues, alterations in the way a person thinks and feels, and an increase in the fight-or-flight response.
Causes: Exposure to a traumatic event. In extreme cases of prolonged, repeated traumatization where there is no viable chance of escape, survivors may develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). This occurs as a result of layers of trauma rather than a single traumatic event, and includes additional symptomatology, such as the loss of a coherent sense of self.

Due to being exposed to numerous traumatic events. I was at a time in my life that I was unable to process safely. The damage compounded as the years went by. The idea of feeling “normal” or living a happy life were fleeting thoughts, dreams if you will. I always looked for a way out and wished for a better life, it just didn’t seem obtainable. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I was diagnosed with PTSD and started on the road to recovery. That journey continues.

I was asked recently “why don’t you post more positive things on your blog?” I’ve tried to make it clear that this blog is for myself; first and foremost. I have a desire to share the things that I’ve gone through in order to assist others. Not every blog is going to be like that, because that’s just not how life goes. While I’m in a much better place now, I have struggles. Again, life has a way of testing you and doesn’t care if your broken or not.

There are moments that I’m triggered by a person, an event, even being in an environment that brings back feelings from the past. Humans have a way of not respecting others space, or even our energy. That can be problematic for a person dealing with ghosts from their past. I feel that the world can be so angry that the only way to deflect it is to match that energy. This is a discussion I’ve had with my counselor on numerous visits. I know in my heart that bringing negative energy will not solve my problems, but sliding into an area of comfort becomes all too easy. Rage, anger and violence are close personal friends of mine. In those moments I have to find a way through. I can’t fall off the cliff. This my friends is the inner struggle that I wake to everyday.

I needed to sit and write about this tonight. I’ve been faced with so many challenges that have beckoned the demons to rise up. It’s made me sit and ponder where I’m at in my recovery. Do I feel safe? Should I find new ways to maintain my stride? Of course there’s always the question in my head of “will I ever feel healed?” I cherish each day that comes and I feel happiness, mostly because I’m not sure when the next one will appear.

I want to share a poem that I found recently. While it has a dark undertone to it, it’s beautiful at the same time. It’s called “The Final Pause“

And when death finds me, I hope it whispers, “Come now, the fight is done,” and takes my hand gently like an old friend who understands why I’m so tired. I hope it says, “you’ve carried enough, let me hold this weight for you.” I hope it promises, “here there is quiet. Here you can rest.” (Ticus poetry)

I wrote a very similar poem years ago, but it was more about a person suffering and asking God if it was o.k. to die. Perhaps I’ll pull it out and post it soon. These are the things that I carry with me. The blessings that I’ve received and the torture that I carry. I’m tired today and hopeful to find rest tonight. Some days it just feels like a heavy load that I wish to set down at the side of the road.

I know, so much to process here and no, I’m not able to write something warm and fuzzy at this time. I can tell you that I’m a fighter. I’m a survivor. I refuse to quit, no matter how hard things become. That being said; I’ll pick up this heavy load and move forward because it’s just what I do. Searching for the light.

Try to remember that there are those out there that are suffering. “Not all wounds are visible.” June is PTSD Awareness month. Take a moment to care about the suffering. Share a smile, bring that positive energy that we seek. Just do your best to be a good human, because that’s all any of us really want to encounter. I’ll close out with one more poem by Ticus.

(The deepest kind of pain is the one you hide, not to protect yourself, but to protect others from witnessing just how much it has already destroyed you.)

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

May is Mental Health Awareness Month: Let’s Talk

May 23, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Well, here we are. It’s May again and we’re sitting on the doorstep of Summer. For those who are not aware, May is also Mental Health Awareness Month. I try to make it a point to write something each May so that we can have discussion about one of our most overlooked and misunderstood health issues. It’s taboo to speak about struggling mentally in most corners. In all actuality it should be discussed openly, and some attempt made to give grace and understand when people struggle. Over the last few years I’ve made it part of my own healing process to shed light on the subject. I’m Robert and I struggle with my own mental health. Lets talk about this.

I’ve gone over my background in so many blogs now; I feel like all of you know me pretty well by now. There can be many reasons for someone to struggle with their day-to-day feelings. In all honesty, the more I talk to people, the more I realize that we’re all screwed up in our own way. Now that I’ve thrown that out there, think about yourself for a minute. Are there hidden demons that reside inside of you? I say that right off the bat because that’s where I started out. Many of the events that transpired in my early years lead to the hiding of feelings. I was “trained” to never show emotions. When I was feeling something, I knew it was in my best interest to stuff it down. Years of stuffing everything then turned into this mountain of anger, resentment, and fear that I’d never be well again. Not allowing myself to experience people and moments in my life to their fullest left me empty. I searched for happiness in all the dark corners and prayed to some kind of God to help me find my way.

I’ve had conversations with so many that have been through horrible events in their lives as well. Trauma has many faces and it works on our fears. It messes with our emotions and tempts us to fall deeper into darkness. Don’t go down that path. There is help for all of us out there and believe me when I tell you that it does get better. I’ve stood, alone, in the middle of a park contemplating whether tomorrow was something that I wanted to reach. For me, at that moment it was an awakening brought about by a combination of nature and physical activity. I started out walking and it turned into 40+ years of running. Running saved my life and nature played a part in it as well. To this very day I still head out the door almost daily to get my time in with the outdoors. More walking than running, but the feeling is the same. I’m alive!

No two journeys are the same. No person’s trauma is less important than another’s. I had moments when I talked with someone and felt that I had no reason to feel the way that I do. How could I possibly talk about my problems when they paled in comparison to what someone else was going through. I know that there are many of you out there who have done this. It’s easy to brush our own feelings of sadness or loneliness aside when we make it less important than someone else’s. Why should we put our mental health on a shelf? Why are we so good at making ourselves “less than” others?

Unfortunately the world has sold us on the idea that breaking down mentally means you’re weak. This too was something that I was trained in. The man that groomed me taught me to show nothing because others would exploit it. When in reality, he was the one doing the exploiting. If I showed that I cared for someone, it became a liability. It could put them in harm’s way without them ever knowing it. The pressure to hold back tears at times when I really needed to just set my soul free caused such damage. The few times that I did show emotions was usually in my own room. Hidden from others. Talking myself through so that I could go back out into the darkness and roam…broken and in pain.

First responders, military fighters, health care workers, teachers. The list goes on and on of the many people who do or witness things that put their mental health in jeopardy. The things that our brains have to process are sometimes just too much. The things that I’ve seen play out in my life are things that I’d never wish on anyone. Finding my counselor and processing all of this has been the hardest, yet most rewarding thing that I’ve ever done. Having a professional walk you through all of the mess that has been packed away for years is hard. But I ask you, wouldn’t you rather do that kind of hard? Once I reached my first breakthrough I truly understood how poorly I’d been treating myself for far too long. I never allowed myself to live freely. This is why I chose the title to the book that I’m still working on to be “Silence and Secrets—My journey to breaking free.” I ask that each of you evaluate your own mental wellbeing during this month and throughout the coming months. Ask yourself the hard questions and seek the help you so richly deserve.

Use this month to look around you. Check on others that you might not normally speak with. Ask someone if they’re doing alright and then take the time to actively listen. I know I say this all of the time but words matter. Along with my trauma; I’ve been “gifted.” I have the ability to see through bullshit. There are moments when I can hear the cries for help even though the person is not actually saying the words. I’ve learned to take my trauma and use my abilities for good. I enjoy having conversations with others and really listening to them. I love that people will have open discussions with me because they’ve read my blog. This has been my way of seeking the others who are broken and telling them that it’s alright. Being broken doesn’t mean you’re useless. “Broken crayons still color.”

Take care of yourselves and those around you. Have the conversations that need to be had and take care of your mental health the same way you’d take care of any other part of your body. We spend our lives inside of our own head, and that can be a bad neighborhood. May is mental health awareness month, but I’d like it to become a year round thing. Join me on this journey to better mental health for everyone.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~