Where does it all come from and when will the well dry up? That’s a question that I keep asking myself. My brain is ultra busy, and on so many levels. It’s as though there are sections, or departments broken up and each functions to handle different forms of chaos. The work section that handles all of my thoughts, feeling and stresses for anything work related. There’s my relationship section that deals with feelings, emotions, love and hurt that have to do with those that I consider closest to me. Then there’s the part that deals with my yesterdays, my past. This section is super busy at times, then silent. Lately, this area has been hogging a bunch of energy and processing it has been draining. I’ve even gone to having nightmares again. I’m grateful it’s not my reoccurring one, that one signals serious trouble.

I was asked to do a “free writing” session with a time cut off of 4 minutes. Homework if you will. For whatever reason I was hesitant to sit still and do this. I’ve done free writing before in a creative writing class that I took in college. It intrigued me and brought about a surprising start of a story that I wrote during this class. The idea is to take pen to paper, set a timer and just let your hand start to move. Clear the mind and let things flow. The object is to tap into the other side of your brain and bring out what could be sitting there. That’s probably why I was so hesitant to do it. I know that I have damage just below the surface and unsure how I’ll process it when it boils over. The 4 minutes that I did happened today. It brought mostly just random words, no complete sentences. I kept my hand moving and just did lines or squiggled lines until something popped into my head. Just for kicks, I’ll list the words: Don’t, I, Quit, Now, Live, Paper, Go, Bad, Where, Fit, Now, Why, Who, Food, Quick, Deep.

I’ll discuss these words and the writing with my counselor during the next appointment. I don’t know what to make of them. I felt uneasy afterwards and was sweating. I was told to keep the writing at 4 minutes only and not to continue to do it, as it could cause harm. I can understand that statement. It was a “strange” feeling indeed. Whatever is hovering under the surface seems to have many faces, yet they seem related.

So, where does it all come from and will this run out one day? I’ve been on a streak with my writing and it seems as though there’s so much to say. I wrote my last two back to back and still felt as though there was a ton just waiting. Like I’m backlogged and just can’t keep up. I’ll continue to sit at my keyboard and hammer away until the brain says, enough! Right now it’s just saying yes, keep going, we have things to get out, and it needs to get out now! I always write these with no intention of anyone caring or reading. I love to share it and if it touches someone, even better. I’d like to be able to help others. Just know that my first desire is to get it out. Whether it’s on paper or sitting at the computer, things just need to be said.

The other homework assignment was to go back to the house that we spent the most time growing up in. Stand before the house and see what feelings come up. I’ve still not been able to do this yet. Odd really, that I’m scared of the house. Like it’s some kind of evil creature. It’s just a house that we spent a portion of our childhood growing up in. Just writing about it again makes me uneasy. I took a picture and posted it to social media recently with a short story. In order to actually take the picture, I just glanced at my phone and kept walking, caught the photo on an angle. I couldn’t actually stop and look directly at the home. Something about it haunts me, and I hope to clear that out at some point. Find out what is buried, dig it up, and process it. For now, it remains a dark mystery.

I’ve been off for a few days now and kept myself busy with walking, working out, doing house chores and watching the Olympics. I won’t lie, I love watching the Olympics! So many feel good stories. Thinking of how much sacrifice had to be traded in order to reach the level that these athletes get to. The thought of the human body doing such amazing things, constantly improving, breaking records, it’s all just spectacular. I feel happy, and kind of supercharged when I watch. Get’s me thinking of what I might challenge myself to do next. What level of fuckery can I take things to? I still love taking the body right to the edge. I’m actively seeking out another Ultra-marathon. I feel like I left something behind when I didn’t move to attempt the 50 miler. It’s still in my brain, can I do it? Will I break? This has been a good training Summer thus far and that makes me think I can still get it done. Stay tuned on that one, it’s on the radar.

I’ll continue to write because it helps me. I feel better every time I do this, and that’s really what matters. My blog, my way. The world according to Zombie…lol! I’ll check back in once I find my way over to the old house from childhood. I’ll share whatever darkness is waiting and it’ll get processed right here. Is there something that you fear? Is there a place you can’t go past for fear of something unknow, or known? Puzzling really, the things that can bother us our entire life. I’ll leave it here for now, let your brain, and all the departments do their work. Hey, perhaps sit down in front of a computer and blog it all out! Whatever it is you choose to do, I hope it heals you. Until we meet again.

Thanks for reading.

~Zombie~