In this latest blog post, I’m going in reverse for a minute and go back over a topic that needs further attention. I’ve had some excellent discussions with others about the stigma that comes with mental health. What we feel about ourselves is included in this. How just talking about it can be some kind of “taboo” if you will. There’s also those who suffer with feelings of “not being important enough”, or “others have it much worse than I do .” I can relate to those feelings and understand why we might stay quiet, when in all reality we need to speak up.

Let me start out by saying that we are all important and there’s no chart out there that rates the level of pain you suffer. I’ll never try to one up someone and say that my pain is more serious than theirs. That’s not how this works. Each person has their own level of what they can handle. We’re unique humans who feel and act in different ways. What may seem like nothing to me, could be overwhelming to someone else. I’ve gauged my trauma and at times compared it to what others have been through. This in turn made me feel as though I had no reason to speak. “How can I possibly complain about my feelings when others have it so much worse.” I’ve said this and I’ve heard others say it as well. This sets us up for failure in our own brain. we’ve now lessened our own value in this world and that just can’t be.

The trauma that I experienced was caused by persons who had set out to do just that. The idea was to be able to control me in such a way that I would never question anything. “The perfect soldier” is one who acts but does not question authority. Even prior to the dark years, I was taught by my father that there was never anything to talk about in a dispute. It was to be handled with force. Aggression with aggression. While it makes no sense at all, in some odd way in my brain, it still does. I just had that talk with my wife the other day when we got on the topic of politics. If someone comes hard at me with anger and hate, my rebuttal is one of “I will break you.” My wife stated that this just perpetuates the cycle, and while on a rational level I understand and agree with this, there’s still a part of me that says “Fuck that” I don’t care. I’ll feel better if I do it the hard way. This kind of hearkens back to my previous blog about the two wolves. The constant struggle of darkness and light, good vs evil. I must remind myself to feed the right wolf.

When I do my walks through my old neighborhood and see children’s toys and such laying about the yard of a home that looks as though it’s a war zone, sometimes even hearing yelling or crying from inside of the home, the first thing that comes to mind is what kind of hell are they living in? The next thing is what kind of monster will they become living in this manner? While I had struggles as a child, my parents did show love for us. They did try to do their best. I see so many parents who just don’t seem to care. The children look as though they’re pleading for help when you see them outside. Remember my blog about the eyes. I look at them constantly. When they’re looking at a stranger as though you’re their savior, something is going terribly wrong in their world. This again, makes me wonder why I feel like I do when someone else has it so much worse? Why do I take up my counselor’s time with my petty grievances when I’m 58 years old and this was so long ago. I’ll tell you why, because what I’ve experienced matters. What I’ve gone through should never have happened and I really didn’t have a say in much of it. Things were put upon me that no child should ever have been made to do. I’m damaged, I’m hurt and I’m tired. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life feeling that way. I don’t want to allow my past to follow me like a dark shadow forever. Constantly reminding me that I’m nothing, or not good enough. So, I say to all of you who read this and have those same feelings, address them. Don’t push them aside because you feel that you’re lesser. Don’t allow others to tell you that “you’re fine” when you know inside that you’re not. That’s not fair to yourself. It can be a better world to live in and there’s no reason why we can’t have happiness. That’s all that I’ve ever asked for was to truly feel happiness.

When I’ve had discussions with many of you people, I want you to know that I’m humbled that you’re willing to share things about yourself with me. I hold it close to my heart and I feel your pain. I don’t want you to feel that the road you’re walking is dark and dangerous anymore. I don’t want you to feel alone. I know all too well how that feels and how I was made to live in silence for so many years. First the silence was forced by others, then it became my own silence, my own prison. Let’s break free of the shackles that hold us down and find the freedom that we all deserve.

I want you all to take this moment to self-evaluate. I’d ask that you do it honestly and ask yourself if you’re alright today. If you can do that, and you feel that you’re not alright, then reach out. If you’re not ready for a counselor yet, I’ll listen. If not me, then someone you trust. Our mental state is all that we are. We must live inside of our heads for all time, why not make it a better place to be? That’s what I seek for myself, I want better than what I started out with. I’ve grown so much that I now want this for those around me as well. I’ve learned empathy and want you to know that I see you, I hear you, you’re important in this world. This is my open invitation to take my hand, or the hand of another, and take those first steps. There’s something better when you do, that much I can promise you.

As always, thank you so much for stopping by and reading.

~Robert~