My Path to Healing

December 15, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

This has been a busy week on the counseling front. I managed to get in two sessions within a couple of days, which was very helpful. I said some of the worst things, out loud, and in front of someone else. I have a witness of sorts to some, but not all of what I’ve gone through. Conversations that I had that torment me to this very day. Threats, manipulation and grooming were items covered. I had to look within myself, honestly and speak truth. I sat before someone that I’ve grown to trust more than just about anyone in my life and emptied my soul. She (Amy my counselor) has listened without judgment for years. She’s seen me regress at times, shift back to a child at moments, and has guided me through so many dark alleys. She has never wavered in her support, and has always believed that I’d be whole again, safe from everything. Her words have stayed with me when I’ve felt myself slide backwards. It’s been there when I stopped believing in myself. It’s been there to teach me to that what I really am through all of this…Is a survivor.

The emotional toll that trauma can have on the body and mind can be tremendous. There have been times that I’ve left her place and struggled to even drive myself home. On numerous occasions, I’d leave there and go to Meijer and just walk around. I’m not sure why, but there’s something about just doing an “ordinary” thing after such discussions that grounds you. It brings you back to the present. It’s become kind of a joke when I say that I’m doing my post therapy walkabout at Meijer. Some sessions can be so intense that I just really need to shut down and breathe. When I talk about going to therapy/counseling with others, I like to say that I feel everyone could benefit from time speaking with a trained professional. It’s true. We all have secrets that we hide. Secrets that are possibly causing further damage as we age. Secrets that need to reach the surface, be looked at safely, then put away in a manner that will serve our mental health in a positive fashion. In some cases, secrets that just need to be shared so that an objective person can explain clearly to you that it was not your fault. Free you of the burden of having to carry such things around for the rest of your life.

I’ve learned much sharing space with Amy. I’ve learned to pay attention to my body when I’ve been triggered. To pay attention to my breathing and try to be present with it. I need to be kinder to myself and above all, forgive myself. One of the things that I’ve learned of late is that my darkness, along with abilities that I’ve gained through life events have served me well. They’ve kept me alive when there’s no reason that I should still be walking. They’ve given me the gift of sight…the ability to see things that most would never pay attention too, both good and bad. Almost like an intensified vision. I believe that I’ve referred to this before as being a witness to events in the world. I’m seeing things because they need to be seen, or witnessed. Rather than always looking at myself as bad, or evil, I just look at all of it as just a part of me. The two wolves become one.

I don’t know where the rest of my life will take me, I can’t see that good. I know that there are still things that could be discussed, but for now, I’m going to just be. I know that Amy is just a phone call away, and for that, I’m grateful. I don’t want to fully rely on her, but rather accept the tools that she’s gifted me with. The idea behind sitting with her has always been to walk on my own again. I don’t fear falling down as much as I used to now. I also know that if I do fall, I can get back up and will be alright because I choose to. Life is full of choices, Lord knows that I’ve made some interesting ones during my younger years. Through all of it I’ve remained driven to be something more. To be better…always. Even during the darkest of times, I was driven to find a way through, then out! It’s no different now. I make choices each day to continue.

Photo by Natasha Fernandez on Pexels.com

I always copy Amy in on everything that I write. I’m guessing like many of you, she’s fallen behind. Sorry folks, I have so much still to write about. I think I needed to take this time to say Thank you to her and have all of you as a witness to that. She’s a humble and gracious person and I’m sure doesn’t expect anything like this. There have been a couple big moments in my life that were life altering. Two of the biggest were this. The day that I went to Pearson park to walk and decided to start running. I’d gone there originally with all kinds of wild ideas in my head. I wasn’t sure if I could see a path forward at that time and the next thing you know, running found me. I’ve had a wonderful relationship with running ever since that day. The second was meeting my counselor, Amy. She saw something in me that I couldn’t, or wouldn’t see in myself. She guided me down roads that I didn’t want to travel, only to come out on the other side a better person. She’s sat with me while I cried, both tears of pain and joy, and listened to everything. It’s these moments, people, events that have made me see that I have value. I don’t think that I’ll ever be alone again.

Until we meet again…

~Robert~

The pursuit of peaceful sleep

December 11, 2024December 11, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’ve been referencing sleep, dreaming, nightmares and the eyes in quite a few of my blogs of late. Sleep has been a distant memory for me. I honestly can’t recall when I slept soundly, or without some kind of nightmare shaking me awake. I’ve learned over time to adapt to my situation by just simply learning to fall asleep whenever I have the spare time. I guess that I don’t feel there are really any rules when it comes to sleep. We believe that our bodies should lay down when darkness takes over the sky. In a perfect world under ideal circumstances that might be the case. For many of us “night crawlers”, it’s a different way of life. Darkness might mean we become recharged, or perhaps some even anxious. There are so many reasons for sleep issues, so I thought I’d take this time to talk about it.

Photo by Aljona Ovtu0161innikova on Pexels.com

I do have a few memories of being very young, and resting peacefully on the floor in our living room with my blanket covering the heat vent. The warmth that it provided was so comforting. It didn’t matter if I had a pillow or even cushions to rest my body on, I was comfortable, and sleep came easy. I’d do a similar thing in the summer months by taking a sheet, placing books on all corners of the sheet, and then on top of the fan and turned on the fan. It became the most beautiful dome of cool air. I’d climb inside with my head towards the fan and just drift away with the sounds of the fan and the cool breeze blowing against me. Each of these things were as though I’d built my own nest. A safe place to rest, with no worries and plenty of comfort. I think back on those moments now and realize how gentle I was, how carefree. Only beginning on my journey through life.

Fast forward some years and sleep became harder to find. Discomfort caused by insecurities. Worry and wonder as to where life was leading. It was no longer a thing to climb under my blanket and leave the world behind. The world had come for me and I was just learning how to deal with it. People and places were now changing the landscape of my childhood. Darkness was no longer just about the evening hours, but part of everyday life. It was during this time that I started to find ways to sleep wherever and whenever I could. I had to make sure that I was safe, and that was critical to being able to shut down. Think of watching an old Western movie where you have a cowboy out in the middle of nowhere laying with their head tilted on a log, perhaps by a fire. That’s kind of how I felt. You always had to have one eye ready, watching, able to react to the slightest movement or sound. The wolves were out and prowling all of the time, so you had to be ready. It’s at this point that sleep would become a very distant friend to me. One that would be greatly missed for many years to come.

I still have the habit of dozing off wherever I can. When sleep is not a guarantee, you have to maintain your body in some fashion. The best way to do that is to allow it to rest when a moment presents itself to you. There are no rules to any part of this game called life, and that includes with sleep. When I know that most of my sleep during the evening will be broken up by reoccurring dreams, or some other type of night terror, I do my best to find those moments. The moments when you can just shut down, even if it’s only for 5 or 10 minutes. During the Covid years I brought that back into full swing due to the unbelievable amount of stress and concern that the entire world was feeling. I’d go out and walk alone or with my wife and return home where I’d set out a blanket and pillow on the living room floor and just nap. Extra rest was needed during that time and since I was already in a deficit on most days, this was the best thing for me. If someone says that they can’t take a nap because then they won’t sleep at night, I always chuckle. There they are, trying to follow the invisible rule of sleeping at night. Yes, it’s better for the body if you follow that clock, but when other issues stand in the way, you do what you have to do to survive.

There are a few times that I’ve found myself able to sleep somewhat better. I tend to sleep better when we visit the Smoky Mountains. I’m not sure what it is…I guess it’s true that there’s some kind of magic in them hills. I feel more at peace there than just about anywhere I’ve ever traveled to. Knowing that my mother resides in the mountains is an extra added bonus. She can keep watch over me and make sure that I’m safe. I think that’s something that every person wants, or wishes for regardless of their age. Even with the turbulent relationship that I had with my mother at times, she was still my mother, and mothers mean safety. “Mother is the name of god on the lips and hearts of little children.”

― The Crow

One of the tattoos on my body is an eye on my right arm. The reason for this eye – it’s the ever watchful protector on my skin to keep me safe from harm. While I “shut down”, the eye takes over and keeps watch so that I can’t be harmed. May seem silly to some, but to me, it’s real. I’m finding now that as more of the ink penetrates my skin, I’m more shielded from those who would harm me. I have no explanation at least one that would make sense to most people, it’s just how I feel. I suppose we could look back to that child and the blanket, or with the sheet over the fan. There was something protective about that as well. A cocoon where slumber came easy and worries were set free.

The more that I write, I’m finding that parts of my anxiety about my life are softening. I want so much to shed all that I carry with me. I was talking about it today with my sister Leanna. While I felt stressed trying to explain events in my life that even she wasn’t aware of, I needed to try. I have to push everything to the surface so that the light can take it. With each word that I attempted, I became constricted in my throat. It was as though a part of me was saying “NO, you can’t tell this…it’s too much!” The many secrets leave me feeling so alone. While the fear of physical harm has faded, there’s a different concern that’s filled its void. How will I be looked at by those who surround me? Those who matter the most to me. I’ve shared so much with my wife and yet there are still things to get out. I feel so close… so close to freedom. I’ve thought that if I reach that point, I’ll probably drop and sleep for days on end. That child from so many years ago is standing there waiting for me. I can see myself, so small, so bright eyed and full of hope. So rested and carefree. Asking the adult me “when can we sleep?” I’m almost there, I just have this last bit to get through, and then sleep will come.

“Sleep is an essential part of life-but more important, sleep is a gift.” William C. Dement

I wanted to say in my close today that I so appreciate all of the discussions that have come from my writing. While I’ve always said that I write for myself first and foremost, I’m always hopeful that someone out there can relate. That someone will understand what I’m saying. I’ve expressed my desire for others to read these blogs and not feel alone, probably because I’ve spent so much of my life in secret, and feeling very alone. You can fill a room with people, and those people can care for you, even love you, but when you harbor dark secrets, it’s as though the room is empty the entire time. No one really knows me, but now you are all starting to. This has been a painful journey but one that I needed to travel. I hope that you find slumber tonight. I’m almost there.

Until we meet again…

~Robert~

Exploring the Depths of Dreams

December 4, 2024December 4, 2024 / Zombie / 2 Comments

Dreaming. This is a thought provoking topic that I think could bring about some interesting feedback. I’ve struggled with sleep for many years, but when I do sleep, I seem to dream vividly. I’ve studied books that discuss the meanings of dreams and pondered if things from the outside of my body have caused the subject matter, or just random thoughts being stored within myself. Lets take a look, shall we?

For those who may not have read my blog posting about my reoccurring dream, I’ll go back through it, and then move onto others that have been regular visitors. I have not had this one in awhile…which is a good thing because it’s the most terrifying and physically unsettling of all my dreams. I’m sleeping and can see myself sleeping in my bed. A group of people enter my home and begin to spread out to different areas of the home, while a female comes directly to my side and whispers in my ear. She’s asking where I keep all of my “stuff.” She’s looking for items that may have been in my possession during my younger years. She’s offering me death and doing so with such a hiss that I can hardly breathe. I tend to wake myself about this time and while I know that it’s a dream, I still don’t feel right. I need to do a full check of the home to make sure that no one is there. I check windows, doors and yards to be sure that what I regularly dream is just that and that I can lower my guard. I usually struggle to go back to sleep after this dream happens and that in turn, makes me more of Zombie.

I have another that comes on a semi-frequent basis. It involves winged demons that are flying around one of the homes that I lived in during my youth. They’re trying to penetrate the home, but struggle to get through the doors and glass of the windows. Some even stand at the door smiling, saying they’ll wait me out. That I’ll have to come out at some point and they’ll be there to take me away. I become so enraged by this threat that I open the door and begin to fly myself. A battle of good and evil? I don’t know, but it seems almost as though I was meant to fly in the dream. I soar quickly and with grace around the demons. It’s as though it’s become a game to me. Is this a reference to the life that I’ve lived? Have I dodged the demons for so long that I’ve become comfortable doing so? All questions that I’ve searched the powers of the internet many times for some kind of answers.

Another that I’ve had several times, and even as recently as last week. I’m walking through one of my old neighborhoods and it’s as though the shadows cast from dim lights are shape shifting into dark creatures. They whisper and speak to me, but I’m unable to understand what they’re saying. I’m uneasy in my dream, but I don’t fear them. One of the most popular Bible verses is applicable here: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me”. Psalm 23:4. There’s more to that, but this portion is fitting for my nightmare/dreams.

When I have discussions about my dreams, there are some who have thought I must be a seriously tortured soul. On a certain level, I’d agree with that statement. While I feel strong and confident, I also feel vulnerable to things that I don’t understand or can’t control. My thoughts at times don’t feel as though they’re my own. Things that appear in dreams make me wonder if I’m seeing visions from someone else. It’s as though I’m seeing and feeling things that someone else has experienced. Strange, I know, but stay with me. Dreams are made up of so much that we don’t, or can’t understand. When you have no say in the movie/visions that are running, it can feel maddening. Like you’re locked into a runaway freight train with no brakes. Take a moment to think through some of the things that you’ve dreamed over the years. I’m sure not all are this dark, but were you always in control? Were you able to get out of them on your own, or did you have to see the whole thing through? Do tell…

Dreams of lost loved ones. This is a hot button for sure. A short time after my mother had passed away, I had a dream that I was speaking with her. She was smiling and happy. She stated that she was alright and passed on a message I was to give to my sister Patti. I woke with tears, not so much of sadness, but rather happiness. I felt relieved that she wasn’t suffering and was smiling. I don’t remember the message I was to share with my sister, but I did as instructed, and it threw my sister for a loop. Was it really my mother speaking? I think it’s worth sharing at this point that my mother and I had a pact. It was that when she passed, if there was truly an afterlife, she would reach out to me and let me know. This dream has made me ponder the pact and the subject of dreams quite a bit since then.

I know there are those out there who dream clearly, and some who can’t remember anything. This is also puzzling to me. Why can some see, yet others can’t? Experts on the subject go back and forth and there are so many different views on this, it’s head spinning in itself. I try to look at each of them as some kind of adventure. A show that for some reason I’m meant to view. Perhaps visions that someone wants me to see? Again, all very thought provoking and interesting. What is it that you dream about? What fears creep into your subconscious and stir your soul? I look forward to the discussions that this brings about.

In closing I’m adding the poem “A dream within a dream” by Edgar Allan Poe

Until we meet again…

~Robert~

A Dream Within a Dream

By Edgar Allan Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow —

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand —

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep — while I weep!

O God! Can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Don’t Fix Me

November 28, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

People tend to want to help others, at least some of the time. Many of us have something built in that if we see someone in need, we reach out to them. This can be very appreciated especially when in crisis. The line gets blurred when someone decides that they can “fix” you. I’m guilty of doing exactly that at numerous times with persons that had no desire to make change. I don’t want, or expect others to reach into their bag of goodies and place a bandage on my wounds. I’ll explain.

I talk much on my blog about the different types of issues that I’ve acquired over my years on this earth. I share the parts of me that are damaged and what its meant for my life going forward. I also share the setbacks that I’ve encountered when faced with challenges that I’m not sure how to deal with. When I’ve fallen into crisis mode, I will either completely seal myself up, or it all seems to explode outwards in some kind of hostile word salad. Those around may not be equipped to handle this or offer help. At these moments, the help that I’m in need of can far exceed what the normal human can handle. I need guidance from a professional, or perhaps just time. This is not a slight towards those that are concerned, I just don’t want to be fixed. When I say that, it means that unless you understand the entire story, the offer to fix could cause more harm than good.

This is a really complicated subject matter, and I hope that I can make sense of all of it. I’ve had family members, loved ones and friends attempt to reach me at different times when I’m in a spiral down. I love and appreciate them for this, as long as they don’t add the dreaded advice on how to fix myself. Don’t try to fix the problems by saying things like “it’s not that big of a deal”, “you’re not that person anymore”, or “you’ll be fine.” Offer a listening ear without judgment if a purge is needed. Ask if there’s something needed, like should a counselor be contacted. Sometimes even just a hug can slow the processing and bring me back around again. A great example of this is when I walk with my sisters. They listen when I’m riled up about things going on in my head. The combination of physically moving and having someone just hear you when you hurt makes a huge difference on getting through crisis. My wife is good for moments when I walk in the door and just stretch my arms out and say that I need a hug. She’s always available for this and it settles the fire within. I highly recommend hugs.

Fixers want to get very involved in the trauma and that is not a welcome place to be. I don’t want to mix a person and their feelings, or ideas into my mess. I’ve even had times when I’ve just walked away from someone giving me “advice” on how to make things better. It feels more like a push, or a shove. Almost as if to say “do it my way and all will be well.” I feel a wall going up immediately when this happens. It’s best if I wall up and shut it out rather than allow more emotions of hostility creep in. I’m sure that we’re all guilty of just wanting to simmer, or as I like to call it “stewing in my juices.” I really don’t want anything from anyone. I just need time to sort everything out and I’ll be alright. I’m pretty good at letting others know when this is happening and just ask for space. Some fixers just can’t stand to allow this to happen and will continue to chew at your edges until there’s a snap. There have not been many, but I will tell you that when its happened, I’m unapologetically horrible. Once that happens, the fixer then becomes hurt, or possibly angry. Now there are multiple fires burning that really didn’t need to be.

When I say that if you struggle, feel free to reach out, I’m not offering any form of counseling, or fix. I’m simply saying that I’ll listen. If you want me to share how I’ve felt in similar situations, I can do that so that you don’t feel alone. I’m not the person to fix anyone, that much I’m sure of. I’ve even discussed and thought about getting involved with at risk teens. Something that my counselor thought might be helpful. It’s an area that at least for now, I just can’t go into. The very idea of having a teen, that acts the way I did and might be in even worse shit staring blankly at me doesn’t sit well. I know how I was at that age and I’m not sure that I could’ve been reached. They may not want to be fixed either, so I’d serve no purpose. This could change as I work through all my “things”, but for now it’s best that I focus on my shit and get that corrected.

With all this being said, humans are so very complicated and as my cousin said recently, “we’re all in a different place.” I’m in a part of my journey that others may not be. Some haven’t even started to address their problems. The timeline is our own. We all know when it’s time to make a move and get the help needed to collect our shit together and move forward. It took me into my 50’s before I decided to get rolling and that was only because the counselor was sharper than I was and detected issues. I knew that my sleep was a mess and that my nightmares were causing harm, I just wasn’t sure that I could do the things necessary to get better.

One thing that I’ve learned in these years of counseling. I’m better than I was, and that’s huge! I’m able to sleep a little better and I don’t have the reoccurring nightmare anymore. I’m aware of when I’m sliding and require a “tune-up”. Being aware of what’s going on in your head is just as important as being aware of how you feel physically. These two intertwine, so pay attention to the sometimes subtle blips on your radar. Know when it’s time to seek out a professional so that you can manage all the things going on. Try your hardest to remember that the fixers do have good intentions, they just don’t understand what’s in your head. Do your best to step back when they encroach in your space. Give warning when, or if this happens, but be as gentle as you can. If they are persistent in “fixing” you…only you know what needs to happen next. I’d suggest just walking away.

Once again this topic comes about by way of listening to music. One of my favorite songs came on the other day and it sparked this entire blog. The song is called “Fix Me” by the band 10 years. I’ll drop the lyrics below because they’re pretty spot on with how I’ve felt at times. “I’m fine in the fire, I feed on the friction, I’m right where I should be, don’t try to fix me”. Yeah, that hits the spot! I highly recommend giving this a listen, you’ll truly understand what I’m trying to say here. If you’re in need, seek assistance. If you want a listening ear without judgment, I’m around. I promise not to try to Fix you.

Until we meet again

~Robert~

Fix Me by 10 years

It’s taken a lifetime to lose my way
A lifetime of yesterdays
All the wasted time on my hands
Turns to sand
And fades in the wind
Crossing lines
Small crimes
Taking back what is mine
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
So lost for so long
To find to my way
I failed to follow
I’m out of place
Crossing Lines
Small crimes
Taking back what is mine
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me

Mirror Mirror…

November 25, 2024November 26, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Mirror mirror on the wall. I’m betting that takes all of you to a Disney moment in your life – me too. It also makes me look within myself. I touched on the fact a few blogs ago that I have a hard time looking at myself in a mirror. The reflection that I’ve seen over the years doesn’t match up to what I feel inside. It’s as though I’m looking at a face I don’t recognize just looking back at me. Creepy, right? Exactly why I avoid mirrors. What is it that you see when you look into the mirror? Is it simply your face, or is there more? Mirrors and reflections are something that I think about, write about and even have dreams about. There must be something more to it. What secrets are held within this sacred piece of glass? Shall we?

The mirror is normally just a common household item that is used for our vanity purposes. Fixing hair, applying make-up, checking skin, all of the things that humans do. Depending on the lighting, a mirror can give you a different perspective of a room. Some place large mirrors on walls in order to make smaller places look bigger. An illusion of sorts. I look at the mirror as an illusionist as well. I have, in the past, taken a good hard look in the mirror to see what it is that others see. Do they see the reflection as I see it, or do they see a different version?

The mirror has not always been this unpleasant of a thing to me. There was a time when I was good with the person that I was seeing. Probably because I lacked feelings for the world and it was nothing more than my face. The eyes were darker then and carried a heavy weight. It was not until “the night” that everything changed for me. I’d gone to bed as normal and literally woke up the next day with feelings! You could call it a divine intervention (the action by God -or god – of getting involved in a human situation in order to change it.) Being that I’ve never been a very spiritual person, that seemed odd, and given the life that I’d been leading, I struggled even more to make sense of it. If God had taken a moment to come to me in my sleep and change everything about who and what I was, there had to be a reason.

The morning after this all transpired, I took a look in the mirror. I was terrified. Who was this that I was looking at? It was like everything had changed. I felt different, I had empathy, I hurt for the things that I’d been doing and felt the desire to make amends to those that I still could reach. I know you’re thinking, if things were turning for the better, why be terrified? What I saw was not a good person. I still saw rage, anger, deceit, and darkness. It was as though a monster (Zombie) was looking back at me. I jumped back away from the mirror and decided that I had to change the reflection.

I felt off that entire day, and I knew that I still had to “take care of business.” How would I be able to do that now when everything had changed? I couldn’t go through the same things as before with feelings. This could easily end my “career.” I became paranoid that others who surrounded me knew and could feel that I’d changed. My God, if I can’t hide this, I’ll die for sure. How did this happen? I went back to the mirror that evening and looked again. I found myself asking the mirror, what is it that you are showing me? What do I need to do? There was no answer as you may have suspected. There was my face, and those dark eyes staring back at me.

There is much more that went on from this point, but I’m not able to share it. Perhaps one day, but I’d say doubtful. Some things about me just need to remain a mystery. I’ve remained scared to use the mirror for anything more than shaving, and I don’t even do that on a daily basis in order to cut down on the amount of times I look at it. I work out at a gym that is covered with mirrors, but I’ve learned to focus on my body parts and never look at my face. It may seem extreme to most of you, but there are demons in there for me. There may be demons in the mirrors for some of you as well. Look hard and tell me what you see.

I think that the mirror is my own way of reflecting on myself. Even without seeing the physical form, it’s as though I see the spirit. Self evaluation is, or at least can be, extremely hard. We are our own worst critics, but we also harbor secrets. When you look at the mirror, do you see the secrets that are stored away?

This was one that I felt was going to be tough to write and it is. It opens up more of what travels through the mind of a person who has trauma and gives light to those things. It leaves me vulnerable to judgment. Judgment of my own mental stability. I’m alright with that if it gets things out of my head, and gets others to take a look into themselves. I know there are others out there who feel the same way. Some may hate the reflection for physical reasons. The reflection can cause problems for those who suffer from eating disorders, or other disorders such as body dysmorphia (a mental health disorder that leads to extreme distress over your appearance.) So, when I tell you that there can be demons in the reflection, it’s real. Look into the mirror…tell me what you see.

I chose this title based on music yet again. A band from the 80’s – Def Leppard. I’ll add the lyrics below because they too make some sense of what I see when I look in a mirror. The power of the mirror, the all knowing, all seeing reflections. It’s eerie and mysterious. Stop for a minute and gaze into the mirror, tell me what you see.

Until we meet again…

~Robert~

Mirror, mirror
Just watching with your eye of glass
You’re just a fortune wheel
With something that I wanna ask

Mirror, mirror
Got my fate lying in your hands
You’re the fool, you’re the juggler
Hangman and lover, you’re not like no other

[Chorus]
(Take a look into my eyes) Tell me what you see
(Take a look into my eyes) Tell me is it true?
(Take a look into my eyes) Oh, when I look at you
(Take a look into my eyes) Tell me is it me?
Is it really me?

[Verse 2]
Mirror, mirror
Gotta know just what you see
My crystal ball
You’re looking so sly and so sleazy

Hello Darkness my old friend…

November 22, 2024November 22, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

The Darkness. This is something that I speak of in so many of my blog entries. I’ll go through and break down all the many views of darkness in this one. I have a relationship with darkness that spans the better part of my life. There is something magical in it for me, along with the ugly and cold part. There’s the sadness that some feel from this time of year. Seasonal affective Disorder (SAD) depression associated with late autumn and winter and thought to be caused by a lack of light. I think this will get interesting, so let’s get into it.

My journey in life has been marked with times of “darkness.” I’ve covered much of this in other blogs, and I don’t want to sound like I’m just droning along, so I’ll keep this part shorter. I found myself in coordination with underworld figures that trained me to move about quietly, view everything, and the darkness was truly my friend. I feel a level of comfort in the darkness. Perhaps because I was taught to embrace it? I’m not sure, but I still feel something special towards it. Oddly enough in this current part of my life I enjoy the darkness for different reasons than before. When I walk at the pre-dawn hours, there’s a stillness and calm that touches my soul. I love walking in the dark with nothing more than stars and perhaps some moonlight. Hardly anyone is around and I take ownership of this time. It belongs to me!

My mother suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder and dreaded the time change. I know numerous people that also suffer from this. When she had first told me about this disorder, we had a discussion about it because it was something I couldn’t understand. How could someone not love the darkness? It was so beautiful to me. It brought about serious bouts of depression for her and she felt even worse. She’d be disengaged more during this time and welcomed any form of light to help make her feel better. She even liked having a Christmas tree set up all year round so that she’d have the happiness from the lights to improve how she felt. For those out there that have this, I feel for you. I’d ask that you find something that you can hold onto during the months of less light that can keep you steady. My sister is always telling me to think of 3 good things each day. It’s for a different reason in my case, but I think this can be helpful for those that suffer. Try to find the light in the dark. Look for the positives rather than being stuck in the dark. Move about as much as you can, for as I’ve always blogged about, movement is one of the best medicines for the human body. This is from the Mayo clinic for people that suffer from SADS -Treatment for SAD may include light therapy (phototherapy), psychotherapy and medications. If you need help with this, look into a treatment that fits your life. I’m certainly no doctor, just a concerned blogger that wishes better lives for all.

There is also the darkness that comes with loss. I find that I struggle in the month of November, and especially around the Thanksgiving holiday because this was the time of year that my mother passed away. I continue to try to find new ways to get through the month and celebrate in a more positive way, but I’m just not there yet. I keep myself busy and work during the holiday. If I’m less idle, I seem to do better. I also enjoy being around those that I work with at times when things are the toughest. Crazy, right? There’s something about being in your “pack.” The pack protects you and understands you probably better than most. You spend a good portion of you life at work, so why not make the relationships pleasant. I’ll think of my mother in the most positive way possible this month. I’ve gradually started to erase the sadness of her suffering before leaving this earth. Miss you Mom.

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

My current homework of sorts is to try to allow darkness that has served me be present at times. See it and understand that it has served me well during my times of pain. While I speak so much about trying to set myself free from it, I also need to understand that it is a part of me. There is no light without darkness. Learning the things that I’ve learned may have been terrible at times, but they also kept me alive. Being able to recognize darkness and be, dare I say, thankful is what I’m working towards right now. Without the darkness, I wouldn’t be the man that I am right now. Flawed yes, but we all are. Yet I’m strong and confident as well, and that comes from this darkness. I fear nothing on this earth and that too is from the darkness. My biggest fear has always been that the darkness would take everything over and I’d become the dark wolf…forever. I’m grateful that somewhere inside of me that glimmer of light, that touch of hope still resides. As long as I can hold that, I think that I can find my way.

The song The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel, then later redone by Disturbed has some very powerful lyrics. I’m certain that most of you have enjoyed this song at some point in time and if not, please pull it up and listen. I find much in my music and it also inspires me to write more. Just the beginning lyrics bring tears to my eyes. “Hello darkness, my old friend-I’ve come to talk with you again.” That’s just amazing stuff right there. Darkness will be my old friend, now and forever. I’ll speak to it whenever I’m out in it doing my walks. I’ll embrace the feelings of calm that it brings me, and also the strength that it’s given me.

I’ll share a scripture here: Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” (John 8:12). Even though the Bible speaks of darkness in numerous passages as something less. I believe that there’s something to the darkness and as I’ve stated, you can’t have one without the other. I also believe that I can embrace both, find the balance that I need to carry on in my life.

In my closing I’ve added the lyrics from the Sound of Silence for you all to enjoy and perhaps dissect. Maybe it’ll touch you in a different way, and that’s alright as well. Music is a healing tool, so I’d highly recommend giving both versions a listen. As always, if you’re suffering, reach out and seek assistance to get through whatever it is that harms you. I’ll keep writing because it’s become the best form of therapy for me at this point and time. I’m hopeful that my words speak to at least some of you and make a difference. Being beautifully broken has no shame, at least not in my eyes.

Thank you so much for stopping by and reading my thoughts.

~Robert~

The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

You Matter: Overcoming Feelings of Unworthiness

November 21, 2024November 21, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

In this latest blog post, I’m going in reverse for a minute and go back over a topic that needs further attention. I’ve had some excellent discussions with others about the stigma that comes with mental health. What we feel about ourselves is included in this. How just talking about it can be some kind of “taboo” if you will. There’s also those who suffer with feelings of “not being important enough”, or “others have it much worse than I do .” I can relate to those feelings and understand why we might stay quiet, when in all reality we need to speak up.

Let me start out by saying that we are all important and there’s no chart out there that rates the level of pain you suffer. I’ll never try to one up someone and say that my pain is more serious than theirs. That’s not how this works. Each person has their own level of what they can handle. We’re unique humans who feel and act in different ways. What may seem like nothing to me, could be overwhelming to someone else. I’ve gauged my trauma and at times compared it to what others have been through. This in turn made me feel as though I had no reason to speak. “How can I possibly complain about my feelings when others have it so much worse.” I’ve said this and I’ve heard others say it as well. This sets us up for failure in our own brain. we’ve now lessened our own value in this world and that just can’t be.

The trauma that I experienced was caused by persons who had set out to do just that. The idea was to be able to control me in such a way that I would never question anything. “The perfect soldier” is one who acts but does not question authority. Even prior to the dark years, I was taught by my father that there was never anything to talk about in a dispute. It was to be handled with force. Aggression with aggression. While it makes no sense at all, in some odd way in my brain, it still does. I just had that talk with my wife the other day when we got on the topic of politics. If someone comes hard at me with anger and hate, my rebuttal is one of “I will break you.” My wife stated that this just perpetuates the cycle, and while on a rational level I understand and agree with this, there’s still a part of me that says “Fuck that” I don’t care. I’ll feel better if I do it the hard way. This kind of hearkens back to my previous blog about the two wolves. The constant struggle of darkness and light, good vs evil. I must remind myself to feed the right wolf.

When I do my walks through my old neighborhood and see children’s toys and such laying about the yard of a home that looks as though it’s a war zone, sometimes even hearing yelling or crying from inside of the home, the first thing that comes to mind is what kind of hell are they living in? The next thing is what kind of monster will they become living in this manner? While I had struggles as a child, my parents did show love for us. They did try to do their best. I see so many parents who just don’t seem to care. The children look as though they’re pleading for help when you see them outside. Remember my blog about the eyes. I look at them constantly. When they’re looking at a stranger as though you’re their savior, something is going terribly wrong in their world. This again, makes me wonder why I feel like I do when someone else has it so much worse? Why do I take up my counselor’s time with my petty grievances when I’m 58 years old and this was so long ago. I’ll tell you why, because what I’ve experienced matters. What I’ve gone through should never have happened and I really didn’t have a say in much of it. Things were put upon me that no child should ever have been made to do. I’m damaged, I’m hurt and I’m tired. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life feeling that way. I don’t want to allow my past to follow me like a dark shadow forever. Constantly reminding me that I’m nothing, or not good enough. So, I say to all of you who read this and have those same feelings, address them. Don’t push them aside because you feel that you’re lesser. Don’t allow others to tell you that “you’re fine” when you know inside that you’re not. That’s not fair to yourself. It can be a better world to live in and there’s no reason why we can’t have happiness. That’s all that I’ve ever asked for was to truly feel happiness.

When I’ve had discussions with many of you people, I want you to know that I’m humbled that you’re willing to share things about yourself with me. I hold it close to my heart and I feel your pain. I don’t want you to feel that the road you’re walking is dark and dangerous anymore. I don’t want you to feel alone. I know all too well how that feels and how I was made to live in silence for so many years. First the silence was forced by others, then it became my own silence, my own prison. Let’s break free of the shackles that hold us down and find the freedom that we all deserve.

I want you all to take this moment to self-evaluate. I’d ask that you do it honestly and ask yourself if you’re alright today. If you can do that, and you feel that you’re not alright, then reach out. If you’re not ready for a counselor yet, I’ll listen. If not me, then someone you trust. Our mental state is all that we are. We must live inside of our heads for all time, why not make it a better place to be? That’s what I seek for myself, I want better than what I started out with. I’ve grown so much that I now want this for those around me as well. I’ve learned empathy and want you to know that I see you, I hear you, you’re important in this world. This is my open invitation to take my hand, or the hand of another, and take those first steps. There’s something better when you do, that much I can promise you.

As always, thank you so much for stopping by and reading.

~Robert~

The depth of human emotions through the eyes

November 19, 2024November 21, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

What is it that lies behind the eyes? A glimmer of hope, a dark secret, a faded memory, or just nothingness? I pay very close attention to people’s eyes because I feel that they speak even when a person is silent. Genesis 3:5 states, “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” That’s powerful right there… knowing good and evil. William Shakespeare wrote; “The eyes are the window to the soul.” If you search around the internet, you’ll find all different variations of this saying, as well as different perspectives on what it actually means. I believe that the eyes are the doorway to all things. Our senses are powerful and can draw things back from deep within our bodies. What we see can make changes within one’s self that can be life altering.

“The eyes have it.” Yes, they truly do have… “it”. Again, I pay close attention to eyes so that I can get a better read on a person. I’ve spoken in past blogs how I can look at a person’s eyes and tell when they’ve seen death. It leaves a mark on the soul, and then reflects through the eyes. While I have serious trust issues, there are some people who, when I look at their eyes, can cause me to become more open to speaking with them, and with time, perhaps even sharing more of myself with them. Is it scientific, no. Is it perfect, again no, but it’s something that has served me well over my years on this earth.

There are some who have not only seen death, but caused it to come about in some fashion. Whether it was lawful or not has no bearing on how the eyes are affected. Traumatic events cause a stain of sorts, damage that doesn’t easily wipe away. Police officers and soldiers are the first people who come to mind. They can be caught up in a life or death situation all too easily and then become a witness to an event that may alter their lives forever. The eyes bear witness to more than what the soul can handle, that’s where things get messy.

There are also those who take pleasure in serving death. Their eyes have an entirely different look and feel. Yes, I said feel. If you come across a person who has the eyes of a killer, you’ll not only know it, but you’ll feel something. Some call it a sixth sense, or hair on the back of the neck standing up. This is when you know you’re in the presence of evil. A devil on earth. I’ve seen those eyes, and felt the weight of them. It’s not something I share lightly. I work daily to erase the vision.

When a child is born, the look that they have is something that is impossible to forget. The softness, warmth and love that you feel when looking at their eyes. Even as they grow, they have this look of innocence. Something that I wish they could hold onto for their entire life. Untainted by the world, full of curiosity and bewilderment, as if to say “who am I and how did I get here?” Treasure that look, do whatever you can to nurture it along.

I’ve seen a similar, yet different look in the elderly. They have that same childlike softness, but also a look that says “I’ve seen so much.” I’d like to think that I’ll have that look as I age. I’ve seen so much already, and I will say that not all has been bad. I’ve shared my love for the world and all the many things in it. From the dark, calm morning walks, the fuzzy creatures that scurry about, to climbing beautiful mountainsides. I’ve done my best to erase the things that have caused friction inside of me and blurred my spirit. I want to see more of the good, so that one day, all of the bad will just fade away. My eyes will tell you the story, you just need to listen to them. You can see the pain at times, but there’s also that glimmer that I wish to hold in place. The childlike softness that longs to thrive.

Photo by Baishnavi Bharati on Pexels.com

What is it that you see when you look at someone’s eyes? Take the time to examine carefully as not everyone likes to maintain eye contact. Use those senses within you and see what others have to offer. Look for the gentleness that resides in some. Steer clear of the darkness that resides in others, you’ll know who they are. The devil is the father of lies (John 8:44) and the deceiver of nations (Revelation 20:3, 8). He “disguises himself as an angel of light” (2 Corinthians 11:14) While I’m not the most faith-driven person, I’ve always felt that the devil, or devils are unable to completely conceal themselves here on earth. You have to take notice of things that don’t fit. Use your senses, use your eyes and find the darkness that could bring you harm. Here’s more food for thought. And although Satan is not afraid of us, he is terrified of the one within us. And our protector never sleeps nor slumbers (Psalm 121:3–4) I’ve always believed in myself. I’ve learned to be sharp and pay attention, almost to the point of causing physical pain. I’m forever on the lookout for the devils and ever hopeful for the soft eyes of an angel.

Photo by Kris Mu00f8klebust on Pexels.com

As I step away today, let me share this. My eyes have seen much, and while I have some regrets for the things that I’ve seen, I also have hope that my vision of the world has become brighter. If you find me looking into your eyes, don’t be frightened, I’m a study of humans and mean no harm. If you’re reading this blog, then you probably already know that.

Thank you for stopping by and reading.

~Robert~

Understanding Trauma

November 14, 2024November 15, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

If you follow this blog than you know my subjects can be one of the many random things that are still floating around in my head, or possibly something prompted by discussions. Today’s blog is going to focus on the ability to “get over” something. I don’t think that everyone quite gets what I’m going through, and that’s alright. I’m not judging, but I do feel that it’s an opportunity to share. Perhaps I can assist people to see things from a different perspective, or shift the angle by which they view things. Let’s get into it.

Having been damaged by past events has caused a mental strain on myself and those around me. For much of my life I’ve kept everything to myself, never sharing anything about my past, not even with my family for fear of many things. When I was still in the “thick” of it, I knew better than to discuss anything that I was doing, knowing full well that it could bring about serious repercussions. Part of why I hid everything was for the protection of those I cared about. Later in life it was more that I didn’t want to be judged. I also didn’t feel that it was necessary to always bring up things that I’d done, I mean why not just stuff it down and lock it away. “The past is the past”, right? Not so much…I’ll explain.

I truly felt that everything that had gone on was now done. The people involved are gone now, and I’m pretty sure that there’s no one who would want to look me up at this point. Some of the trauma that I encountered at different times was put in a very safe place inside of my head. Locked away so that no one would ever know. What I failed to understand is that the human brain has a wonderful way of bubbling these events back up. Sometimes in the form of nightmares, or changing your way of acting towards other people. It seeps through the cracks of that locked box and teaches you that what you thought was securely stored away has really just been waiting to appear again.

How I handled relationships changed, the way I thought about work changed, sleep patterns were an absolute mess, and loved ones were growing concerned. I tried on my own to figure out a way to make the “bad” things go away. To keep the darkness from coming back into my life. I worked hard to hold back the demon inside. It was time for help. When I discovered my counselor, it was originally for the purpose of helping my daughter deal with her issues. I’d stay after for a few minutes and have a discussion with the counselor about how things had been going at home with Taylor, what changes I’d noticed etc. I think that my counselor (Amy) could feel that something was just off with me, like I was holding things back. She finally just threw it out there and asked me if I wanted to come in and have a discussion. I decided it was time.

Now, I started seeing her and we had some fairly open discussions, but I still kept my dirtiest secrets. I’ve learned to never trust anyone and if I shared the deepest, darkest things with her, once again I’d be vulnerable. We worked together for a bit and I started to feel that she was genuine. She was real and I could trust her. She even opened up about some of her own past in order to show that it was ok to do so. That gave me comfort. I can still remember the day that I went to an appointment and just sat there for a second and said, “I have to give you full disclosure if I’m ever going to get better.” I unloaded everything. I will tell you now that there are only a few people in my life who know “everything.” Amy was the first person to hear all that I had buried away.

We worked on so much after that, and I found it to be cleansing. I started to be more at peace with myself. I found that there were numerous things that I’d completely blocked out that still held a spot within me. We began doing EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy. This is something used with people that suffer with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder). I definitely fit the bill with that. I will tell you that this form of therapy can do great things, but it’s hard to get through, at least it was for me. I found myself feeling very drained after a session of this and usually had to take a nap right afterwards. It helps to dig out the mess that we bury inside, reprocess it in a more positive fashion. If you suffer from a trauma, this probably sounds terrifying. None of us wants to relive the trauma, but the only way to get through is to face it. I’ve learned that my methods were failing me in an epic fashion.

Suffering from something like PTSD does not mean that I can’t function in society. There are many who never even knew all of the problems that I was struggling with. I was good at keeping them hidden. Using the tools that the counselor brings to the table are key in getting through the rest of your life intact. I have stretches where I don’t need to see Amy at all, and I’m able to function just fine. The unfortunate part is that there can be things that trigger you. While we get triggered all the time, there are some things that trigger a deep feeling, or emotion and it can be paralyzing. I’ll share one particular event where I was having a discussion with this person and we were discussing schooling – growing up on different sides of town as well as being poor. He started to rail against poor people. Stating that the only thing that holds them back is their own laziness. “Pull up your bootstraps and work.” That was his approach and world view. I could feel myself getting hostile, and starting to look for a “target” on him that I wanted to strike first. I could feel all of the shame that I felt as a child going without, having to hustle to stay alive. To sit there and have someone tell me that the reason for it was strictly my own doing, well that wasn’t sitting too well with me. I first gave warning for him to step away because he was in “my space.” At that point I let him know that because of his privileges of coming from a well to do family, and never having to worry about clothing, food, heat, etc. that he couldn’t possibly understand. “Walk a fucking mile in my shoes!” That was the next thing that came out. I knew that this was not going to end well if I stayed in close proximity with this guy and was wise enough to leave. I had been triggered, and triggered so badly that I needed to actually contact Amy and ask that we talk on the phone. I needed someone to calm me so that I didn’t do what I had already been doing in my head while this conversation was going on. He has no idea how close he came to seeing the dark wolf.

So, this brings me to my past. Be sure that I have no desire to sit and stare at it. I’ve learned that it’s the past and it needs to stay there. Why do I talk about this so much then? Well, it’s because the past has a way of reminding you that even though you don’t look back, it’s still there. The damage that has been caused by the past is the problem. It’s not that I want to live all of it over and over again. I need to know that I can still hold the line when the darkness comes knocking. The only way to do that is to properly identify the trauma’s root cause and work it out. It’s messy, but it’s necessary. These stories that I share are also a way of “cleansing” me. I feel that there are things that need to be said in order for me to be able to sleep again. I also share them so that others who have problems will understand that while they may be broken, there are tools waiting to be used that can help you. It’s painful to hold on to such awful darkness and not be able to share it. Our brains have a way of regurgitating the same scenarios over and over until we sometimes feel insane. We need the help from an outside person to give a different perspective, and then gently place it back into the box. This is not something that I asked for, it happened and I’m dealing with it now.

For those who may not understand others who suffer from trauma. Just know that when you say things like, “it’s in the past, you’re not there anymore”, or “you’ll be fine”, it’s doing a disservice to the person you’re speaking to. Try to remember that none of us asked for this. It happened, and we’re doing the very best we can just to survive. Try to have empathy and understanding. We don’t require special treatment from you, but we do want you to know that if we could go back and change whatever the event(s) were, we’d have done it by now. Remember to walk a mile in another person’s shoes, you just may find you don’t care for the way they fit. With that, I digress…

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my stories.

~Robert~

Choosing Between Two Wolves: The Battle Within

November 10, 2024November 10, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Who is it that you feed? There’s a story told among Native Americans that an elder is explaining to his Grandson that within each of us is a constant battle between two wolves. One representing negative emotions like anger, greed, and envy. The other representing positive emotions like love, peace, and kindness. The elder explains that we ourselves must decide which one of these wolves we’re going to feed. Do we go down the road of negative, or do we choose peace? Who would you feed?

I have this very tattoo on my leg with the two wolves, and above it says, “The one I feed.” I truly understand this and it’s a struggle within myself to walk the straight and narrow. To choose to feed the wolf of kindness may sound like a given choice, or easy to do, it’s not. When faced with different events through life, I’ve felt more secure and able to survive feeding the wolf of anger and greed. It’s comfortable to do so and served me in times of despair. When you feel that this wolf is strong and can protect you, you become kind of trapped. That if you don’t feed it, your power will fall away and you’ll be left vulnerable. In times of hopelessness, I struggle even more to lean towards the light. While I want to, and even need to, it’s a struggle. The other wolf is very strong and offers so much.

When I’d first learned about this story from my counselor, it was like a light went on. Yes! I so understand this! In my world, while the name Zombie came about in a cute and simple way, it’s as though it took on a persona of its own within me. It was easier to step aside and allow Zombie to take control of things. To do anything without feeling, to walk with a sense of power and control, it felt right. Robert is the more compassionate side, the wolf of positive emotions, love, peace and kindness. While this too can serve me well, my “training” looks at these things as weakness. You could even take a moment and think of a devil and an angel sitting on your shoulders trying to advise you of how to move forward. It’s much the same.

Events in the world, or even locally can trigger the struggle to rage. I feel that I’m progressing and starting to walk in the light, then something happens and I fall again. Perhaps tripped by Zombie. He wants to take over control and make things “easier.” Handle business without fear, without hesitation, without feelings. If you feel nothing, you can’t be hurt. That’s what I’m dealing with. No one wants to suffer in any fashion. The idea of being harmed physically is not something that most would want to bring upon themselves, nor would they want to hurt mentally. Yet, here we are.

There is so much wrong in the world today. There is so much celebration of pain and deceit. I wrestle with “how did we get here” all of the time. I feel as though we’ve failed as a society. We don’t want to praise the superhero anymore. We don’t want to wait for Superman or shine the Bat light for Batman to arrive. We’d rather enjoy the Joker burning the world down for the sake of watching it burn…nothing more. I know that if someone like me that’s walked on the darker side of life feels this, others must feel it as well. I also think that some just feel that life is just too hard. Why not let the darker wolf, or Zombie run freely and unchecked? Let me tell you that you don’t want that. You need to do the hard work, do the uncomfortable things. Being complicit in horrific events can’t become the norm. There must be a stopping point, or a moment of clarity.

Again, I share these things because I know that we’re all capable of doing, or being bad. We’re wired for it. Like it or not, there’s a killer in all of us. We’re just lucky that there’s also a switch of sorts that reminds us of what is right. Zombie is still lurking and waiting, like alcohol to an alcoholic, it’s ever patient. Zombie knows when I’m at my most vulnerable and is ready to “help.” The darker wolf wants to be fed, needs to be fed. Which wolf will I feed?

I seek answers among all humans. I seek kindness, hope, and love to remain Robert. I seek the food that the lighter wolf needs to remain whole. I lean towards those that have offered me food in the past. Those that believe in the lighter side, that believe in Robert. The humans that feel that Zombie should be part of my past, and never set free to roam again. I fear that if Zombie steps in, I could be lost. There’s sadness in that and right now I’m still fighting to stay whole. I’m still going to my counselor seeking food for the lighter wolf…so there’s still hope. While I’m struggling now, I’ll keep fighting. I have those that rely on me to be Robert, to remain hopeful and feed the lighter wolf of peace, love and kindness.

If you’re now wondering who wins in the story of the two wolves fighting. the answer the elder Cherokee replied with was “The one you feed.”

Thank you as always for taking the time to read my writings.

~Zombie/Robert~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

Uncategorized

My Path to Healing

The pursuit of peaceful sleep

Exploring the Depths of Dreams

Don’t Fix Me

Mirror Mirror…

Hello Darkness my old friend…

You Matter: Overcoming Feelings of Unworthiness

The depth of human emotions through the eyes

Understanding Trauma

Choosing Between Two Wolves: The Battle Within