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Not all days are bad.

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If you’ve been reading and following my journey lately, you may feel as though I’m sliding downward, or things are out of control. Let me reassure you that I’m a work in progress and yes, there will be tough days, but not all days are bad.

Understand that mental health is an ebb and flow kind of thing. You can ride the highs of great events, time spent with loved ones and just being alive. There’s also the challenges of stress brought about by work, family life, relationships, or brought about by triggers. (In general, when a person is “triggered,” they’re being provoked by a stimulus that awakens or worsens the symptoms of a traumatic event or mental health condition.) I felt the need to add that so that everyone understands when I say triggered, you have some kind of baseline definition. Triggered events are the toughest for me. I don’t know what can bring them on. Sometimes I have no idea why something is upsetting me so much. When this happens, and I have a moment of feeling lost, alone or worst of all rage, I reach out and ask for guidance. While I’m lucky enough to have someone in my “corner” that is a trained professional. There are other avenues that I’d highly recommend to others. Al Anon is a wonderful organization and they hold meetings on a regular basis pretty much in all communities. They’re free and even if you don’t have issues related to alcohol, you’ll find good information in those rooms. This too can help you from feeling all alone.

“Healing begins at the end of resistance and the beginning of surrender.” I found this today on social media and wow did it grab me! When we take the initiative to lower our guard and stop resisting, to surrender, we can find peace. I’ve experienced this on so many levels, that I really felt this quote. Sometimes it’s the simplest sayings, memes, quotes that can make the biggest difference in your mood. It can boost you up and make you feel “normal” again.

The power of writing, reading and music. These things are truly my safeguards. Being able to sit in front of the computer and just pound away on my keyboard is so therapeutic. I’ve found that my brain works in such a way that I need the keyboard to be able to keep up with my thoughts. Yes, I’m a skilled typist. (Thank you Waite High School). I can throw things down and purge them from my brain, good, bad or indifferent. I also recommend writing or journaling things. You can keep them all to yourself, share with others, or write them out and then burn them. I know of many that find that as a way of closure. Reading self help books and poetry can do wonders. Add some great music to any of the above and just wow! I’m currently sitting in front of the computer and listening to scores from movies, one of my most favorite types of music. I bet you’d never guess that!

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I want my post to always be thought provoking and hopefully not to much for people to handle. I don’t want to hurt anyone. My time for doing that is behind me now, it’s time for a new chapter in my life. One of forgiveness and healing. I find tears start just by saying this out loud. It takes me right back to a moment sitting with my counselor and her asking me “Robert, when are you going to forgive yourself?” I exploded into tears when she asked me because that was a question I’ve never been able to answer. I’ve held myself accountable for so many things for so long, it just became a part of me. I never thought that I was worthy of being forgiven. Like I said, I’m a work in progress.

I hope that you have a better understanding of humans by reading through my blogs. As a studier of humans in general, I seek to point out things that are both good and rewarding. As I stated at the start and with my title, Not all days are bad. I’ll add to that, not all people are bad. There is a path forward, just seek it. I’ve always been jealous of my wife’s ability to see things from a different perspective. I can be in the throws of rage and she’ll say something that sparks a different thought, which carries into a different reaction, and slows me back down. I don’t think that I thank her enough for talking me off so many ledges over the years. It takes a special kind of person to handle me. Thank you Karla Jean.

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In closing; I just want to say that today is a better day. I’ll keep writing, reading and listening to my music. I’ll keep seeing my counselor until we both feel that I’m back on the right track and able to go it alone. When I say alone, I don’t really mean it. I know that there are those out there that will always have my back and my best interest in mind. While I remain slightly broken, I’m good today, and sometimes that’s good enough.

As always, thanks for reading, I’m honored that you all take the time.

I’ll see you on the road.

~Zombie~

Silence and Secrets

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I went on walkabout today through some of my usual areas, added a few new ones along the way to keep my brain entertained. My sister by my side and a beautiful day on tap, it looked to be great! We chat about all aspects of our lives along with some of the nuggets we caught on the news. Being that I’d gone to see my counselor the other day, we kind of go over what was discussed and of course any “homework” that I may have to complete.

If I’ve not mentioned this before, going to see someone and talking through things also means that you need to do “the work.” You can’t just stroll into an office, sit on a couch and tell all your tails, and then expect for them to pull out the magic wand and make everything wonderful. It’s just not like that. While I have sat down on a very comfortable couch and unloaded all kinds of “stuff”, I’m challenged. It’s a good thing. The idea of seeing someone is to retrain your brain to stop thinking the same way. To alter the route of your internal GPS! In my case, it also means that you need to find out the reasons for behaviors, or things that cause you mental pain. I’ve learned, it’s not always what I’ve thought was the cause. There are many layers and some take time to bring to the surface.

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I want to take this moment and just say that I do these blogs #1 because I’m finding that putting it out here seems to be a form of cleansing. Some might think that it’s “too much information”, or they feel it’s not appropriate to discuss. Yes, I’ve run into that kind of feedback for things I’ve shared. I also do this hoping that it reaches someone else. Maybe someone that’s gone through similar life stories, or perhaps even worse. I’ve certainly heard my share of horror stories from others that in a way, has helped me to. Sharing of painful events with others makes you feel less alone. At one point in my life I thought it best to keep everything to myself and never discuss my life. Someone would judge me and that would of course make my rage even worse. We have a problem in the country with casting people aside just because they’re hurt or broken, and it’s not right.

Secrets and Silence. This is truly something that comes to mind when I think of how I was raised. We weren’t meant to speak our minds or share our feelings, that’s dirty. Secrets were meant to be kept among only a select few. “Why would you want to put your dirty laundry out there for all to know?” I’m betting there’s a few of you right now that have heard that phrase, or one much the same. Some of the most awful things can happen and yet, we’re meant to never speak a word.

In my “past life” I was trained to be a watcher, to not speak, but to listen. I would see things that would disgust me, yet I was to keep it a secret. Never tell, never snitch, or pay the price. I tend to dance around this part of my life still. I’m working on bringing all of it out and sharing it with more than just my closest pack. There are parts of my life that I’m not proud of, but I survived. It took years to finally discuss openly with family members some of the things that went on in my world. Secrets run deep and they change you. It’s as though it’s a form of rot that just builds up inside of your body. Talking about it, while painful, is the way to cleanse the rot. To purge the system.

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I’m learning that my story is unfortunately not rare. That others walking about have much worse things still left unkept inside of them. It’s as though I can almost hear the pain when they talk, or feel what they’re feeling when they too dance around the truth. Silence and Secrets is everywhere, and it needs to change. The hurt that people hold takes away from their true self. The inner beauty that was meant to be shared from the start. It’s as if the soul is gone and their eyes show the emptiness that’s been left behind. I wish that I wasn’t able to see or hear these things. I wish others would look for ways to find themselves again. We can’t turn back time, we can’t make all of the bad people that have floated in and out of our lives disappear. We can however claim our soul back! Don’t let the demons win here.

I’ve started this topic, this particular subject on so many occasions and could never finish. I’ve walked away from this computer so many times, unable to really put down what I felt, what I see, how I feel. It’s raw, it’s real, and there’s no shame in feeling the way I do. This I know. I’m again hoping that right now someone reads through this and says I do feel this way and I don’t want to hold onto the Silence and Secrets any longer. I want to have my light, and my soul again. It’s not crazy, none of us are crazy. We’re just damaged and that to is alright. To say that “it’s o.k. to not be o.k.” should be understood in society and embraced. It doesn’t make you bad, it just means that you hurt right now. I’d like to dig deeper into where everything went wrong on mental health. Perhaps I’ll touch on that in another blog.

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I’ll close this out by saying thank you for all that read these. I love it when people want to discuss things I write about, or share their insight. Conversation is a good thing and getting to know people like myself that are damaged, you’ll find we still have value. I have the saying on my latest Road I.D. that I wear on my Garmin every day. It says “Broken crayons still color.” I love that. I may be broken but I still have so much to offer. If you’re willing to let go of the Silence, or finally share the Secrets, I promise you there will be relief. You may be broken, but you can still color, and color you will!

Thank you again for being a part of the Zombie File.

I’ll see you on the road

~Zombie~

We must bring our own light to the darkness

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My sister and I went on walkabout today. I couldn’t resist, beautiful blue skies, mild temps, it was a must. We headed out on one of my favorite routes that goes through the side of town we grew up in. It’s rough and depressed, but it’s still a part of me. People ask me all the time, “why do you still walk through there?” The answer is, I really don’t know. It’s still a part of me, I guess. I don’t fear for my safety or feel out of place. I’ve walked or driven those streets a million times and know them all very well. I can get around without ever having to look at a street sign. This has been a discussion with my counselor as well. There are so many bad memories there, why do I still go? Numerous discussions have been had about the subject, and I’m still searching for an answer that I can give, at least one that makes sense.

Once we reached an area that we spent a portion of our childhood in, I said “let’s go down this street and take a look at our old house.” It’s the home that we probably spent the most years in, but it kind of represents all the different houses we lived in. If anything, I had feelings of sadness seeing the house. It hasn’t changed a lot from the time we lived in it. Has a certain feeling of darkness. Not that all memories there were bad, but different. We moved around enough that nothing ever really felt like home. It seemed as though once we started to make “normal”, it was time to move on to the next spot. Something I didn’t understand as a child. Some homes seemed alright, so why were we moving again? I wouldn’t understand the answer to that question until I became an adult. Money and finances were not my parents’ strong suit. During these times they looked for homes that were considered buying “on land contract.” The intent was to stay, it just didn’t work out.

Walking past this particular house got us talking more about people that we knew in the neighborhood. I delivered papers on this street and knew pretty much everyone back then. Homes that my friends grew up in and areas we ran around in. It was always a little on the edge, but the look of it now really makes you sad. Numerous houses now gone, torn down, others in serious disrepair and looking almost unlivable. This expanded our conversation to include “what the hell happened to society?” How did we ever get to this? My brain would then go to, how are the kids on this street growing up now? I know the damage that came with my upbringing. What level of hurt would they have and pass on to others? Very deep and unsettling thoughts.

We continued on and worked our way through the area. Then headed towards the river. As you’d go, you could see a house here, and a house there that looked as though they were still trying to hold on. Like islands in a land of insanity. Small walled up fortresses standing their ground against the darkness. Do you think these people fear the night? Do they wonder if/when the tide will finally flood over them and take their island down into blackness? I know, they’re dark thoughts, but it’s real. Every block we go through has this same look. What can be done to stop the spread of this virus? How can we get it back to “normal” again? Questions that we can all ponder. I’ve always hoped that one day this side of town would find it’s way through and become full of life again.

More discussions. My Sis and I thought, if only people would communicate again. Maybe that’s part of the problem. Step away from social media and engage in realism. Maybe step outside of your small island and attempt to make things better with a neighbor. Pick things up, help others learn to be self-sufficient. Teach! Teach people to take pride in anything and everything they have. Conversations are the way. We need to be beacons of hope, rather than spreading sorrow. I’ve seen enough sorrow to last a lifetime, and then some. “We need to bring our own light to the darkness.” I like that. There’s an old saying “it takes a village.” I say this a lot at work. I treat my office in just this way. We work together with a goal of succeeding. If this is carried into these neighborhoods, and taught to those that want to live better, that want to raise their children in an environment that’ll breed happiness, and comfort, it should be done. What’s the alternative? I think we’re seeing it on full display all across this country. Neighborhoods and communities are dying.

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If you’re a fan of Harry Potter or The Hobbit series. You’ll probably be able to envision the darkness that I see at times. The blackness spreading and consuming everything in its path. While I see these things, I also know that I have it within myself to make better. Ask yourself what you can do that can make a positive change in the world. Then ask, how can I spread this positive mindset to others? We can turn the tide. We can push back the wave of blackness and make things right. I choose light over darkness. I choose right over wrong, good over evil. I choose to be Harry Potter or Bilbo Baggins! We need to be the heroes of our story and help others to do the same.

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“We need to bring our own light to the darkness.” Bring your light. Shine as long as you can and with everything you have. I refuse to give up. Perhaps that’s part of the answer as to why I still walk through my old neighborhoods. I’m trying to bring the light into the darkness.

As always, thanks for reading. I’ll get back with you all soon. I have much more to say on this topic and so many others.

I’ll see you on the road

~Zombie~

You are enough, your voice matters

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You are enough. Your voice matters. This is something that I need to remind myself on a daily basis. I’ve found myself in kind of an old familiar place of late. Numerous events in my life brought about feelings of old, and along with those feelings, the desire to handle events in a darker fashion. The world that I grew up in was just that way. There is a certain “comfort” to maintaining a way of doing things. Routines are comfortable for most of us. The problem with this particular routine is that it’s not healthy, nor is it good for my future.

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Lately it’s been the “Perfect Storm” for me. A combination of work stresses, dealings with contractors, and the arrival of an unwelcome person outside of my core “family” members all seemed to show up at the same time. I’ve worked long and hard to handle all of these kinds of situations, but suddenly found myself drowning in self-doubt, anxiety, and worst of all, hostility. Hostility in my mind turns to violence. That has been my comfort zone for a good part of my life. No, this is not a thing that I’m proud of, it’s just a fact and a part of who I am. If someone wronged me, they were handled. It seemed clean and quiet. I had no feelings for the other person(s) involved. It was business.

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At this point in my life, I’ve grown much and, again, work hard to see things from a different perspective. I surround myself with more positive people, remind myself of everything that is good in my life and do the best I can to be a good human. Everything seemed to be going along almost as if I was on cruise control. Work life, home life – I was good. Then the beginning of the storm came.

Work stress. We all have it. Some things seem simple enough and I truly believe in going in, doing my job and leaving. I want nothing more. I do however believe that if you show up at work, you work. This standard is for everyone involved from the very top to the last person on the list. When that doesn’t happen, it doesn’t sit well with me. I’ll leave that there.

Contractors. We recently had a large company send out a team to mark up everyone’s yards in our neighborhood so that they could prepare to put new wires underground. The lead up to it was less than coordinated. One day we had like 30 trucks just converge on our streets and guys going all over spray painting everyone’s grass and throwing flags down. Most of the workers were reluctant to give information as to what they were setting up for, so it made everyone in the neighborhood a touch edgy. It turns out they were the first part of several groups that would come into the area to begin a project of burying cables underground. Once the spray painting was completed, the next group arrived with shovels and machinery. Now I was getting nervous. By the second day, there was a group in my backyard digging 3 holes that were up to their shoulders deep. O.K., now I’m ready to flip out! I asked the guys digging what was going on and none of them spoke English. I’m pretty handy with my Google translator, but didn’t have my phone on me and to be honest, I was too worked up to even think of it. I finally found what appeared to be a supervisor. I began asking questions as to why they were digging up my yard and why I wasn’t advised. This conversation went south in a hurry. He was dismissive, rude and mildly confrontational. (Here comes the old me!) In a quiet voice, I explained that no one steps foot onto my property without some form of invitation, period. I won’t go into everything that was said, (legal reasons) but when I was through, he never came close to my home again. I contacted the city after this episode and was told it was AT&T putting new cables in and they had easement rights. The layout of my neighborhood was sent to me and basically my entire backyard is an easement! This is where the feelings of being voided out, looked past, ignored, all of it come rushing to the surface. I was on fire, an out of control fire! It became so bad that I couldn’t talk, and if I did it was to mutter a few incoherent words or cussing. I needed help and fast!

On the same day that this was all happening, my wife shared that a “relative” was coming into town. This particular individual sets off pretty much every sensor that I have. He reeks of people I’ve seen and dealt with for the better part of my life, and I wasn’t ready for this. Not now, not with everything happening.

I have a very protective nature towards people in my circle. I look at them as though they’re an extension of myself. If I feel that someone in this circle is at risk, I want to eliminate the risk, quickly and quietly. This “relative” was definitely on my radar and, in my mind, viewed as a threat. I had several discussions with other family members and stated my concerns and asked that we all band together to maintain a frontline of protection for those I felt could be harmed. By this time I was just reeling. I’d reached a point that I was in full shut down for fear I was going to lose control. I had to reach out and ask for help. I needed to get things back under control and find out how this happened to me.

I was able to get in to see my counselor and it was decided that the overwhelming number of “triggers” hit me at the same time. “The Perfect Storm”. The bigger question was where did all of this anger come from? What is it within me that was causing so much damage? That is the big question, for which at the time of this writing, I don’t have an answer. More digging into my stored memories/events will surely bring about the reasons for this happening. I’m always a little nervous looking back on things. There are some memories that you don’t want to revisit. Painful things that have formed me into who I am. I just keep telling myself that I’m worth it, I want feel good again.

“You are enough, your voice matters”. It’s important to me to hold this. It’s important to all of us to feel like we’re enough and that our voice matters. Often times we can be dismissed by even the closest people to us. Maybe not intentionally, but it can happen. If you carry things or harbor darkness, it can turn into something even uglier, quickly. Trust me on this.

My counselor knows me well and how to deal with me when I’m hypervigilant. The most calming thing that she said was, “Robert, look at me, you are going to be alright”. I believe her because she’s helped me get there before. I am enough and my voice matters.

I stated before that not all of my blog postings would be warm and fuzzy. Life is messy, and some of us out there carry things that at times are just too heavy. It’s alright to say that. It’s alright to reach out to someone and say “I need help. I can’t do this by myself”. Isolation, while it may seem like a good response for these kind of events, is totally the wrong answer. I’ll quote a good friend here, “Stay out of your head, it’s a bad neighborhood.” True story. Some neighborhoods are so bad we need to be guided through them, and that too is alright.

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If you suffer from any kind of trauma, or have “unkept” items rolling around inside of you. Do me a favor, reach out, ask for help. Seek the assistance from someone that has the knowledge and wisdom to guide you through that bad neighborhood. It will work out better in the end. I know, I’ve been to that dark edge and it’s not a good place to be. Remember, You are enough, your voice matters.

I’ll see you on the road…

~Zombie~

The Zombie File

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Hey everyone! I’m backtracking a little bit today. As you may have noticed, the name of my blog has changed. Previously known as 30races.com has been switched to a more fitting thezombiefile.com. Being that my quest to run 30 races in a year was back in 2015, I thought it was way past time to switch things up and adjust everything. For those that don’t know, I’m Zombie! I acquired the name many moons ago. Mostly due to my lack of sleep and changing work schedule, that remains to this very day. So, welcome to anyone new to my scene and hello again to those that have followed along over the years. I can’t promise to always be a ray of sunshine on here, but I’ll always write from my heart. That’s a promise.

The Zombie life has been an ever changing adventure. I’m still doing the miles, I’ve just switched over to mostly walking. Easier on my joints, and I’m hoping to keep my back intact as long as humanly possible. The obsession that’s come with this are step goals. (Damn you Garmin!) Garmin offers numerous challenges each month for anything from steps, to lifting, running, biking, swimming and yoga. I of course feel the need to place myself in as many challenges as I can during said month. My wife said that we need shirts that say “Garmin made me do it”. LOL!! That’s a very true statement. There have been days that I wasn’t really feeling like getting out and doing anything, then I look at my Garmin connect and see that I may just need a few thousand steps to be in the #1 spot, or as I like to say, “on the podium.” Challenges have their positives, but they can get to you, and bring out not only the competitor inside of you, but if you have any kind of illness that makes you turn obsessed, it can be a bit much. I’m able to push back against my demons and keep things fun. I won’t lie, I’ve gone out and gone around the block just to get back on the podium at the end of the week! I like the view from the top…lol!

I’m starting to get the bug to get after another Ultra Marathon. I know once my wife reads this you’ll all be able to hear her eyes rolling. I don’t know what it is that I have inside me that feels the need to push my body to the breaking edge. I guess I just like to see what I’m capable of and how far I can actually go. You never know until you take the chance on yourself. We did an Ultra a few years back and it was tough. The mistake that I made with that was I was already in training for the NYC marathon. They were spaced pretty close together and I really needed a little extra time to get my body back in order. I did enjoy pushing through though. I’ve been researching races coming up in the Fall, as that’s my favorite time of year to do anything. The only requirement I have is that I need to find a race that allows enough time for me to complete it at my walking pace. For those that don’t know, many Ultra Marathons are done by people that do some running along with walking. Some just walk from start to finish. It’s a little different environment. Geared more towards just reaching the mileage goal. I like that a lot better than killing yourself to have the fastest pace. There’s a bit of freedom to it, and remember, walking means that I’m spending a lot more time on a course than any runner. Plus, the miles are all the same. Be it 32, 50 or 100, miles are miles. I’m trained up enough now that I could do a marathon distance without issue. So, in my brain that means I could do a 50K as well. It’s only like 6 miles more distance, right? I’d eventually like to work my way up to a 50 miler. Karla and I talked about getting ourselves in killer shape and doing something crazy for our 60th birthdays. I like goals!

I’m still keeping in touch with my dietician. More of an as needed kind of thing now. I’ve learned much from her over the past year +. She checks in on my food logs and sends an occasional text to see where I’m at mentally and how my body is feeling. I can’t say enough good things about her. I’ll throw her web address on here for anyone interested. The first chat/consultation is free. She’s done great things in helping find my balance and get rid of nagging stomach problems. Zombie Recommended! https://www.therootedrd.com/

What are everyone’s plans to stay sane and keep healthy in the coming year? I’ve cut out watching the news on a regular basis. I’m listening to more music and will be taking on my first book in quite some time. I’ve always had an issue with sitting still. My brain keeps telling me that there are things to be done. As my sister would say, “self imposed” things, but there are always things that can be done. I do want to escape in good reads though. I plan on writing a lot more, so look out! If I could have a sabbatical and wander off to the mountains, I think I’d enjoy working on my book. I started one that is based on my early life. After discussions with family, the idea of doing a memoir sounds more intriguing. So much is still just sitting inside of me, just yearning to come out. If it wasn’t for an amazing counselor, none of it would ever see the light of day. She’s guided me in a direction that makes me feel safe in my own skin again. Thank you Amy! I’ll throw her information on here as well. Also highly Zombie Recommended! https://www.amylistens.org/

Final thoughts for today. I do still struggle with my own issues, and find it extremely hard to stay positive. The world seems so hopeless at times, and I wonder if I’m alone in these feelings. I want to hear from you folks. I want to know if you have these feelings too. I wish good things for the world. That’s a far cry from the old me in my “past life”. I want to lead others in a more positive direction, we’re all worth it. Keep moving, get the oxygen in the body. Go look at all that mother nature has to offer outdoors. Hey, read a good book! Give more hugs, and listen to one another. I think that all got lost somewhere along the way. I’ll keep working on me, but just know that I’m never more than a text, email or phone call away. While I’ve been accused at times of being heartless, it’s not the case. I actually care. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t bother saying any of this. I hope it touches someone, or inspires. That’s why I started this blog in the first place. Until the next episode.

I’ll see you on the road…

~Zombie~

America, are you listening?

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It’s time. Time to do the uncomfortable and write about what’s going on in our country. I, like many Americans, have reached a breaking point. Everything seems almost surreal. In truth, this has been a long slow death – almost as if someone crept into the window while we were all asleep and smothered us. Something that could happen when you leave that window open, and invite the killer in.

A wise man once told me “there’s the rich, and all the rest of us”. I’ve held onto that for most of my life and understand that statement even more as an adult. I’m saddened by the constant fighting and bickering on subjects that have been brought to the forefront of everyone’s conversations by those that take pleasure in just watching us go at it. “It’s easy to take what you want when you have a distraction.” Another nugget of knowledge passed onto me. While everyone is looking one way and caught up in arguing, the thief is in the other room taking everything that’s dear to you. Think about that for a moment and apply it to the numerous topics floating around.

The two party system is garbage, plain and simple. We’ve all said it: “I guess I’ll just have to pick the lesser of two evils.” That sets us up for failure right there. Subscribing to a party, rather than a country is part of the blurred line. Stop and think, when was the last time you can remember that we, as Americans actually stood by one another? In my life, it was 9/11. I don’t have to say anything but 9/11 and we all know what I’m referring to. How each and every one of us can remember exactly where we were and what we were doing when those planes hit the World Trade Center. The country unified and the flag was Glory, once again! Everyone was proud to be an American and looked for ways to help others. We came together with a common bond. That bond has been broken, and the hard question we all have to ask ourselves now is, are we willing to fix it, or are we going to go to our corners and break this great nation?

I’ll go back to my original quote on here. “There’s the rich, and all the rest of us.” Rulings that have come from the Supreme Court over several years now have been items pushed by those that can afford to buy what they want. Citizens United…a catchy name with an awful effect on our country. This opened the flood gates for any amount of monies to be dumped into political campaigns. Money bought our votes away from us. It took the attention of politicians away from hearing our cries, to coddling handlers. Democracy cried that day. Democracy is not only crying, but screaming now, in this time. Things are happening that I never thought I’d see in my lifetime, or anyone’s lifetime for that matter. Rights are being stripped away, freedoms that we’ve all enjoyed, along with our voice, our vote. Gerrymandering by both parties has caused so many voters to become disenfranchised or just hold back from voting. People of different races and religions have had their say snuffed out. These are the very things that started this freedom experiment in the first place. We pushed back against a king in order to seek our own way of doing things. Free to worship as we chose, without any form of retribution. A nation where “we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” These are the words and values that were placed before us by flawed humans. Yet, while flawed, they sought to make a better tomorrow.

We’re fast approaching what could be our last true “free” election. I don’t care what party you’ve subscribed to in the past, this is for real and serious. There’s a 920 page manifest out there that everyone needs to take the time to view called Project 2025. If you’re not scared yet, you will be after reading through it and also paying attention to the latest decisions handed down by the Supreme court. We are on the doorstep of handing all the power over to one man. The government as we’ve always known it, will cease to exist. No more checks and balances, no more discussions. It will all be decided by one person, with no stopping point by the rule of law, because he’ll be immune from prosecution.

The super rich in the country have been quietly working away to bring this about. They don’t want us to have a voice. They don’t want us to get along and have a common bond, it’s not good for their pocketbooks or power circles. I ask you, are you willing to sacrifice everything that so many have given their lives for? Those that gave everything so that people like me can sit here and speak on this blog in this fashion. To say hard truths without fear of being locked away forever.

Now in all honesty, I think you already know that I’ll be casting a vote for the Democrat this November. Not because I love the guy, but because he will at least keep us going as a country of freedoms. It’s not perfect, there’s much to be done, but it will at least give us a future. A future without persecution for being a less than perfect human, as some would see us. One that allows all of us the right to find our happiness. I want us to be Americans in November, standing united. I want to be able to look back when historians write about this moment and say that we came together for a just cause and did the right thing. We stood together, hand in hand for our future. For the future of our loved ones. America…are you listening?

Let’s talk about Mental Health

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Hey there all. I talk all the time about my running, walking, working out etc. I’ve touched on things that move, or drive me to do these things. Let’s dive deeper into mental health. This always seem to be a taboo topic and people cringe when it’s brought up. I can’t think of anything more important than the very things floating around inside of your head. This is where you live, every day! It can be good at times and also very toxic. There are many factors that make up what goes on inside the brain. Let’s start there. This is my story.

Your upbringing and social environment develop boundaries inside of you, or lack thereof. I was raised by parents that were very loving at times, yet also emotionally distant. I don’t fault them for this, they did the best they could with what they were dealt in life. My Father was a true tough guy. He was quiet most of the time and never raised his voice, however, he had a way about him that would strike fear straight to your very soul. When he spoke to me, it was up close to my face, and quiet. The whole time he would have one hand on me. That hand would squeeze into my trap/shoulder area based on how mad he was at the time. I learned early that in order to keep the pain level down, you shouldn’t upset him. I had a great deal of respect and fear for the man my entire life. He also raised me to not show emotions. Crying was not an accepted practice, and showing emotions was being weak. This, along with the “take no shit from anyone” mentality formed me into a quiet monster of sorts.

My Mother was very passive and quiet. She had her own demons, but was intelligent and much softer than my Father. There were times we had great conversations, then moments with long periods of not speaking at all. Confusion between the two styles of parenting brought about the need for something else, something more that was missing. This fueled years of misguided anger and poor life choices.

God, when I reflect back now, I wonder how I’ve made it this far. I keep saying that I’ll write a book about all of the different destructive ways I wandered to ease my restless soul. Along with way of life, you have to add my environment that I grew up in. Poor area, with mixed middle class families and areas of poverty. Hunger was something that I speak of often when discussing my past. The feeling of not having enough food, or being cold brought about the desire to just survive. By any means possible.

“You are a reflection of your environment.” I attached to this idea and wore it with pride. Fighting the system and looking for ways to make my life better. Attaching to people that were professionals at “grooming” impressionable kids. I’ll just say that I learned from some very hardened criminals how to view the world. I became a voyeur of humans. My job was to study, to pay attention and exploit weakness. Reflecting back to what I was told by my Father, show no emotions, never cry.

Moving forward, I reached a crossroads of sorts. There was something in my make-up that didn’t want to continue down the path I was on, something didn’t feel right. Yet there was comfort in all of it, familiarity. I decided to break away. I still had the twisted thoughts and hardness, but had reached a point that I felt I could move on and become healthy. I was wrong. While I started to do better in my life, mostly brought about by my running, I still had those built in demons. The demons were strong enough that they caused me to have reoccurring nightmares for a good portion of my adult life. What else could I do, I was living better, working hard, making a good living. Something was still missing and I found myself seeking yet again.

The start of the turn around came by way of going to Al-Anon. I’d had several run ins through life with alcoholics. This drove me to find refuge in rooms with people that experienced similar things as myself. Once I was there, I felt at ease. I felt the kinship of others that understood. It was a good start, but there was still deeply rooted things that required more. I reached out to a good friend that had become a counselor. She gave me the tools to search for someone local. What to look for in a counselor/therapist and gave me the courage to make the step into looking through my past with guidance.

I’ve been with this counselor for numerous years now and it’s safe to say that she’s helped me to work through things that I never thought would be possible. Trust me when I say it’s not a magic pill, or a one and done session. This required work, hard work, facing things that I really didn’t want to ever face again. To discuss hard topics and learn to adjust the very way I view the world as a whole. Never judging, and always careful with where she’d take me mentally. There were times that after a session I would go home and just collapse in exhaustion. This gave me a new perspective on how important our mental health is. Prior to getting help, it changed my sleep patterns, my ability to form relationships, everything! Literally everything began to change with time and my overall health improved, I was now alive!

I’ve struggled for a very long time and kept so much of this from everyone. Something else I learned was very wrong. Some of the hardest conversations were with the person that I love the most in this world, my wife Karla. I was so terrified that once I told her who and what I was, what I’d been through, she’d never want to be with me. I was wrong. She too understands the importance of mental health and reminded me that “the man you are today is who I love, not the boy that struggled”. She’s proud of what I’ve become and that in turn has made me want to reach out to others. To let them know that there is a way out. There can be a brighter tomorrow. You don’t have to struggle or hide your feelings. Share them, work through them, be seen and heard. Isn’t that what we all really want in this world? To be seen, to be heard. When I think back to my childhood, it’s all that I was ever really looking for from my parents. To be seen and heard. To have my feelings validated. I’m good now, and I hold no ill feelings towards my parents at all. They tried their best. If anything, I feel sad that they didn’t have the opportunity to make things right with their mental health. Somewhere they lost their validation in the world.

So please, take the time to take care of you. Don’t perpetuate a cycle that can be corrected. I see you, and I hear you.

Thanks for reading,

~Zombie~

I’m Only Human

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Hey there fellow Zombies! It’s been a minute since I sat down and knocked out another blog entry. It’s gray and raining, so why not right now?

I’ve decided to touch on the subject that continues to be a thing in my life. Injuries and the body. I had a really good run going at the beginning of the year, managed to knock out a few half marathons and a couple short distance runs without any issues. I’m totally grateful for that. I love getting on here and throwing some positive vibes out and always hoping to motivate others. That said, lets also talk about the other side of all of this training and running. Injuries and/or very sore body parts. Yes, I do get injured. Yes, I do have very sore body parts. The question you have to ask yourself when these things come around is, how are you going to address them, and what should you do to move forward?

I’ll tell you now that I have several ongoing fights within my body that I struggle with daily. Due to being injured playing football at a very young age, I have pins placed in my right hip. They’ve been there from around the age of 13. I was told at that time by my doctor that my football dreams were over. He further disgusted me by telling me that I’d never be able run and I’d have to go slowly with everything I did moving forward. I won’t lie, at 13, I really had no dreams of being a distance runner, but the idea of someone saying that you can never do something didn’t sit well with me.

Later in my life I was involved in a pretty bad car accident, well a few actually. None of them were my fault, but the lasting damage to the body haunts me daily. The first accident broke my nose. This crack would have been the second time breaking it and the injury has caused my airways to be slightly obstructed. So when I tell you that running can be a chore at times, it’s for real. Getting air in through my nose is always bit of a struggle. The next accident was a drunk driver running into the back of my car while I was waiting at a stop light. I have arthritis in my low back to this very day from that crash. I was recently diagnosed with “severe” arthritis in my right hip, the one with the pins in it. This explains the incredible amount of soreness after a long walk. It also gives a glimpse into why I’ve not been able to run.

The body sends messages to me, and at times I listen. I put in the work to keep things moving and continue to work on my strength at the gym to offset these “gifts”. I’m back to that day when the doctor told me I could not play football and would never run. My brain hears those words and then says, “No, it’s not going to go that way”!

I’ve learned my boundaries, and how hard I can push on them. I’ve also learned that by doing nothing, I’ll never feel better, ever! Do I hurt when I wake up, you bet, but I get up, stretch out, and get to moving! Arthritis is tricky and there are some days that I just struggle to walk and get through a work day. I don’t whine about it, I just deal with it. There are others that suffer much greater body problems than I, and I still consider myself lucky to be able to put my running shoes on and go outside. “Life is not a spectator’s sport”. Something I say on a regular basis. I don’t want to stand on the sidelines and just watch things happen. I want to take part in everything I possibly can before I’m no longer here to do so. My limits are not set, and when I think they are, I push harder!

I’m sharing this because I know others struggle. I also know that some think I live a charmed life of just running, walking and such without issue. I’m sharing because I struggle, and I hurt, but I refuse to quit! What you do is ask yourself, how is this going to play out? Should I just take these things that have happened to me and stop, or do I learn to live with them and continue to thrive? Yeah, I think you know what my choice is.

In another week, I’ll be in the Smoky Mountains with my bride, doing one of the things that I love the most, hiking in nature! We always choose some of the toughest hikes because 1. They have a huge payoff in what you see out there, and 2. We both like to push our aging bodies right to the edge. Does that mean that everyone should do that? No, but whatever you can do, do it! Whatever limits you’ve set for yourself, push right to the edge. Who knows, you might find that you’re capable of going beyond those preset limits and really find yourself!

“I’m only human”, but I choose to be a happy one! I choose life, no matter how much it hurts some days. I like riding that edge between what I know I can do, and what’s on the other side of it! I often wonder what that doctor would think of me today. I wish he was still alive so that I could tell him I managed to run for over 38 years! Not only run, but thrived. We all know that running saved my life. What would’ve happened to me had I not been able to push and break that barrier? I don’t want to think about that. I’m here, living, challenging myself, and breaking as many barriers as I can. Join me!

I’ll see you on the road…

~Zombie~

P.S. I’ve added just a few pictures of some of the beauty I’ve seen during my travels of running, walking and hiking across this country.

Whose Road Is It?

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I’ll give you warning in advance, this will not be my most positive or uplifting posting. It is however, one that needs to come out.

I’ve been running, walking on roadways for some 38+ years now. There are some areas that I use a sidewalk, and on occasions, I’m at my local Metropark. The vast majority of my time is spent on roadways. There’s two reasons here, one is I enjoy a wider space with less chances to face plant. Anyone that’s spent time dodging uneven sidewalks or articles left out by homeowners can tell you, sidewalks kind of suck. The other reason is in my city (cough, cough) of Oregon, Ohio, we have one of the most interesting sidewalk systems in NW Ohio. Most of them lead to absolutely nowhere! You may have them for a stretch and then they just stop. One of the roads from my subdivision (Pickle Rd.) Is a prime example of WTF?! A sidewalk here, then nothing, then another one down the road, then nothing. This is my link to all things around me and I don’t mind telling you, I’ve had my share of altercations on this said road. One was while walking with my wife and sisters, we were attempting to get from our subdivsion to the next closest sidewalk. We were stopped by a local police officer that asked us to get onto the sidewalks, and that it was only for our own safety that he was telling us this. I believe my answer was along the lines of, “do you see a sidewalk there?” He looked annoyed and rolled on his way. Today, while finishing up my afternoon walk before work, I encountered two different cars on Pickle Rd. that both decided to make their point. One, drove down onto the berm of the road, over the white line (where I walk) and did her best to intimidate me for “being on her road”. Her arms were flapping and jaws were working too. Next up, guy sat and waited as we were approaching one another. Once I got close, he floored it, pulled all the way into the other lane, and flipped me the bird. I could go on and on of the countless people that have screamed at me, swerved in my direction, threw things, spit, blew diesel smoke etc. It brings me to this question. Whose Road Is it?

I’m quite certain that my taxes, which are pretty enormous cover me using all areas of my city. I’m a respectful runner, walker, biker and make sure to stay out of the middle of the road. I stay on the outside of the berm and if I see a large vehicle, such as a bus, walk even further into front yards to give clearance. By the way, bus drivers are the best and always wave! Tons of people in my community know who I am because I’m always out doing something. They may not know my name, but so many times we’ll be at a store and someone will say, “hey, you’re that running guy”. Always gives me a smile.

Why the fuss for all the others? What is it about me, or anyone that’s walking, running or biking on the roadway that makes people want to lose their minds and act like asshats? I was told by a co-worker before that I need to stay off of “her” road and go to the park if I want to run. Her road? Again, Whose Road Is it?

I’m a slightly confrontational individual, when provoked. I definitely take issue with people trying to harm me or cuss me out. (I’m working on it…wink, wink) I really just want to get outside, enjoy the sunshine and blue skies and be left to my thoughts. I ask nothing of others, except to respect my space. I’m a part of this community and the human race as a whole, I deserve that. I’m finding it tougher each day to get around without some kind of unwanted unpleasantries. It’s gotten so out of hand that I was even asked to stay out of a local car dealerships lot. I’ve been going through for over a year now to go to the local gym. Again, I’m respectful, I stay out of the way of everyone. I just liked to go through and gaze at all the vehicles, and on occasions, snap a picture of one and send it to friends or family. Apparently that’s too much. My walking through has disturbed the force in some fashion and I’m to stay off their lot…for my own safety.

I’m befuddled. Is it me? Do I just look like a problem so people want to take their best shot, or attempt to intimidate? You know the funniest part of this blog entry. The run down part of the city that I grew up in, I have no issues. I walk through the East Side and have a fraction of the problems that I’ve had right here in my own backyard. What does that say?

Here’s how this is going to go. I’ll make it my mission to lobby the “new” city council out here once they’re in place and work towards making this a more friendly community for people that want to move. Connect this ridiculous matrix of sidewalks, work on getting an actual bike/walking path on Pickle Rd. We need to figure this out and find out what this, so called city wants to be. Are we going to be a community of angry rage drivers that attempt to harm people who are walking in their space or are we going to make it a place that everyone can have their space and feel good about it? The answer to the question, Whose Road Is It…it belongs to all of us, and the sooner everyone has that understanding, and allows others to share it with them, the better we’ll all be in the long run. As for the local dealership, I’ll take the time to pen a letter to someone in authority there and ask why I bother them so much. I’ve been judged enough in my lifetime to know when someone is looking at me like I’m garbage. I’ll take the high road and ask the hard questions, in a respectful manner. I won’t lie, I walked straight across the same lot as I always have today. LOL! No one was harmed in that action either.

Feel free to comment on this topic, I’d love to hear others stories or opinions. Until then…

I’ll see you on the road! (OUR ROAD)

~Zombie~

Just Don’t Quit

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I’m way past due to sit down here and pound out another blog entry. I needed to give a race wrap-up from the Ironman Ohio. Let me just say now, this was the toughest 13.1 miles of my running career. The day started out sunshine and beautiful, BUT it got hot and humidity started cranking. Being that it was held in Ohio in the later part of July, it’s to be expected. Myself and my teammate were still hoping for a little break from the heat and humidity. Yeah, that didn’t happen.

Tim took to the start line at the crack of dawn. A 1.2 mile swim was the first order of business. He had some misgivings and training issues during the Summer that I think got into his head. He set himself towards the rear of the starting groups and you just knew he was nervous. Once he hit the water though, Boom! It was like he was shot out of a canon! He outpaced a very seasoned and younger Ironman competitor that we know by a full two minutes, clocking a 42 minute time for the swim portion.

From there, he jumped on his bike and this is truly Tim’s home. He lives in the the saddle of a bike on a daily basis, so we knew he was going to burn it up. We lost communication part of the way through his bike ride and I became concerned that the tracker had perhaps fallen off of him or went dead. I checked in with race central and they stated that when he arrived, if either of those things had happened, we could do a manual check in and grab a new tracker for the run. Thank goodness for that, my stress level was climbing, along with the temps and humidity.

There was really no good place for me to hang out and wait for Tim’s arrival for the switch. In order to be in place in the downtown Sandusky area, I had to arrive quite a bit earlier than my actual take off time. I found myself hanging out in direct sunshine! I did my best to stay hydrated and keep calm. With each click of the main clock, I started falling into my “zone”. It’s kind of a place that I go when an overload of nerves pump up. It’s a good thing, I become dead calm.

Once I saw Tim hit the exchange area, it was go time! We did the switch off with the tracker, I check with race command and they gave me the thumbs up that it was live, and off I ran! The first mile is always the suck zone as your body is getting all of the kinks worked out, so I just took it easy and kept a nice stride. As the miles started clicking off, I quickly found myself getting really hot and knew this was going to be a serious challenge. I told myself then, and again many times through the run, “Just Don’t Quit!” I couldn’t disappoint Tim, who had already done his part and put in his miles. I couldn’t fail, no, that’s not what I came here to do after training so hard for 6 months. I’d leaned down, built muscle, and even started Yoga so that I’d become more flexible. I had to get through this.

The course was wide open, no wind, no shade and the temps had reached about 82 degrees, with some serious humidity. I stopped at aid stations at each and every mile to keep myself both hydrated and cooled down. Putting ice on myself, in my clothing and taking on fluids. My race pace that I normally hit was out the window by mile 6, it was more about survival. By mile 10, I’d lost my voice and was starting to really feel the heat. Runners had started to drop, and the sound of sirens whaling was in the background. Once again, I had that voice in my head that said, “Just Don’t Quit!”

My sister and my wife both found me out on the course and I told them I was going to push through. My sister said “you look good”, which brought a smile to my face knowing full well that I looked like shit at that moment…lol! My wife caught me later on and did a quick video of me slogging along, I honestly don’t even remember seeing her there.

Once I’d made the turn for the final mile, I started to see people gathered and knew that I was getting close. That gave the extra boost that I needed to reach inside and bring whatever I had left to my legs. “when your legs are tired, let your arms carry you”. I was pumping my arms and working things through my head, “Just Don’t Quit!”

The final turn into the red carpet area of the finish line, again was a bit of a blur. I knew I’d made it and that I would soon be able to stop and get myself together. I crossed that Finish line and was just overcome with joy! I was holding an Ironman Medal, both for myself and my teammate Tim and it was a thing of beauty! Much like a race I’d run years ago in blizzard conditions, I was pushed to the very edge, and found a way to get through. No one would have been upset had I stopped, in fact my teammate said afterwards that I had the shitty part of the deal…lol! I felt like a real “Ironman”.

I speak of this often and I just have to remind people. The voice I speak of is inside of all of us. The level of discomfort we are able to push through is simply amazing. Discomfort promotes growth! I realized once again that I’m capable of doing anything that I set my mind to. “Just Don’t Quit!”

I want to thank all of my friends, family and co-workers for cheering me on through both my training and the actual event. It was an amazing, humbling and challenging race. No, I won’t be doing another one…lol! I did what I went there to do, and I’m good with that.

I’ll see you on the road…

~Zombie~