This one has been sitting inside of me for quite some time now. Probably because this is a question that I ask myself on a very regular basis. While I see myself as broken, I still believe (at least now) that I have value. My background can make me a challenge to be around. I feel everything and with such passion. I see things others don’t. I find myself asking why I’m like this, and why is it that others don’t feel as I do. So many questions within a question.
A certain look, an awkward glance, a less than pleasant response. These are things that I notice. I watch facial expressions, read body language and study the way in which words are delivered. With each of these it then starts a chain reaction within me. What did I do? Why is this person mad at me? It can venture deeper and even darker at times. Depending on the situation and the person involved. It can turn into something much uglier. I can feel disrespected, looked past, invisible, or threatened. The reaction to this is to become a wall of impenetrable steel. Hurt feelings become rage, and the first thing that comes to mind is “hurt them more than they’re hurting you.”
As I stated before, I didn’t choose to be this way, I was trained. The constant of “never shutting down” is ever present. Finding ways to walk all of my feelings back has been my desire. Learning to see and hear things differently. It’s a challenge. Think of this in terms of a detour. If you travel the same way to get to work everyday and one day everything is blocked off. You’re then forced to take a detour. The detour is unfamiliar and makes you uneasy. The level of comfort that you have with your commute has been taken away leaving you to feel vulnerable. Some people can adjust easily. However, many of us focus on the negative aspects that this detour has brought into our lives. That is how a broken person feels in everyday life.
I don’t seek problems, nor do I wish them upon myself. I just struggle to make that adjustment in my detour. This can make life with a significant other a struggle. These moments of inner collapse can start the search for answers. Even at this point in my relationship with my wife. I have times when I question “Am I too much?” I know how my brain is wired. I quickly grasp these subtle gestures. In most cases, they mean absolutely nothing. My “kill switch” is to shut down and become quiet. This is a time for me to process and seek inner peace so that I can act and speak appropriately. If it sounds complex, it is. Like most things that I have going on inside of me it can be exhausting. For myself and my wife.
It’s my belief that broken people are special. I don’t say this just because I’m one. I say this because the ones that I’ve encountered in my travels are all truly special. While I’ve been “gifted” with abilities that I may or may not have wanted. I also have the ability to be very genuine. A “what you see it what you get” kind of person. One that once I’ve reached a level of comfort with you, I’m truly all in. I love people deeply and hold them closely. Fiercely loyal to both friends, family. It takes time to reach this pinnacle, but once you’re there you’re truly inside of my heart.
I’ve struggled in my relationships over the years. Taken chances on people that I knew deep inside would disappoint me. Perhaps hoping for a different outcome. Had people walk away from me because I held so much of myself inside. It takes a very patient person to be with someone like me. There are risks in everything we do in our lives. Taking risks with matters of the heart is the ultimate. It takes a patient person to allow me to work through my demons. They help me figure out who I really am. They endure endless hours of counseling and still face moments when I shut down. I feel that it’s a heavy load for my wife to carry at times. I’d like to believe that what I offer in return makes it worth while. My brokenness has developed into something better over time. I see my wife as a part of my soul. I love her deeply. To say it may sound cliché, yet for me it’s everything. I’ve opened the part of me that was the most broken and welcomed her in. I lowered my barriers and took a chance, in the same way that she did with me.
For so long I looked at myself as less than. The truth is that I’m just beautifully broken. I’ve overcome and made strives to be a better human. “Are broken people harder to love?” If you have patience, understanding, and a willingness to work through the complexities, you will find a wonderful human. A wonderful human is on the other side.
The topic I’d like to get into today is self-isolation. I’ve had so many discussions with people about how they feel toward other humans. “I really hate people.” “I don’t want any people today.” There’s always the classic, “People suck.” There’s a great deal of sadness that come into me when I hear these words, or worse, hear myself saying them. It takes me back in time. I feel the isolation that I put myself in for some 40 years of my life. I still had relationships, went to work, did things. I just wasn’t being truthful about who I was, and what I struggled with. I closed off that section to everyone. At that time, it was as though you approached a room with a “do not disturb’ sign attached to the door handle. I didn’t want you to enter. I didn’t want to be with people.
“My own Prison” Of course I’ll attach this to a song because with my isolation I leaned heavily on music to keep some form of sanity. “My own Prison” was another song that resonated with me. The lyrics were powerful, heavy and had meaning that I could feel. I felt unworthy, broken and dirty. I’d reached a point where I wished every day that someone would be able to figure me out. That they’d see beyond the mask I wore. Self isolation is a prison. “Nothing in this world can torment you as much as your own thoughts.” I knew this to be true but kept things hidden anyway. What could anyone possibly have to offer that would make things better? You reach a point where you become unwilling to even entertain the idea that you can be helped. It’s a perpetual cycle. Like a rat on a wheel you keep processing things in your head and – surprise – getting the same conclusions.
This is my way of trying to warn others that isolation is not the answer. Trying to step away from or out of life will cure nothing. Leaving the living to become the un-dead is not what you might think it is. I’d use adjectives like loneliness, sadness, depression, and painful to describe what comes with self-isolation. It’s hard for me to understand why someone would try so hard to remove themselves when I’ve been working so hard to come out of the very thing they’re seeking. I hated all of it. The day that I truly realized I was trapped in my prison, it was as though a part of me died. The fun, caring youthful kid became something else. Something much darker. If I had the talent to draw my feelings, what I see in my mind is a child sitting at the bottom of a well, or some other form of darkness… Looking upwards towards the light. While it’s visible to his eyes, it’s as though it’s a million miles away and not obtainable. Love and light are just too far away, and there’s no one with a rope long enough to pull me out.
I spend some time alone nowadays but I choose being with those that I love far more. I’ve learned to be good with who I am now. Because I’m open about my life, it doesn’t feel the same. I go places and make myself be open and present in the moment. I actively listen to others, even strangers, who just want a moment to share whatever it is they feel the need to share. I say all the time that “everyone wants to be heard.” It’s very true…myself included. Not all people suck. I’ve seen the worst of them out there and can tell you that the good ones far exceed the bad. If you close yourself off to everyone, you’ll miss out on the opportunity to find the good. If you see everyone as harmful, you’ll never really feel life.
I know I’m throwing a lot out there today but I’ve had my own struggles of late. An altercation at my gym, a small meltdown at a crowded restaurant while on a weekend getaway with my wife. These things do happen and rather than just shut myself all the way down, I’ve been owning my feelings and taking steps to correct my actions. I’ve reached out to my counselor because of these types of moments in time. I want to see if there’s something still sitting below the surface in me that I need to work on. Both of my events were very hard for me to process. I didn’t want to resort to violence with the guy at the gym, but felt my “space” being taken over. I felt unsafe and threatened and when that happens bad things usually follow. I should’ve just walked away.
I want so much to part part of this world. I feel as though I’m on borrowed time and need to hurry. I missed so much by locking myself away. Don’t make the same mistakes that I have. Don’t step away, bring yourself all in. You don’t want to be sitting in the bottom of that well looking up and praying for help. Don’t design your own prison. Break free and live.
I’ve attached the lyrics to the song “My own prison” by the band Creed. It’s one of many songs that has touched me.
Thank you so much for following along on my journey.
~Robert~
A court is in session, a verdict is in No appeal on the docket today Just my own sin The walls are cold and pale The cage made of steel Screams fill the room Alone I drop and kneel Silence now the sound My breath the only motion around Demons cluttering around My face showing no emotion Shackled by my sentence Expecting no return Here there is no penance My skin begins to burn
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels their selfish pride (And I said oh) We’re all held captive Out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one
I hear a thunder in the distance See a vision of a cross I feel the pain that was given On that sad day of loss A lion roars in the darkness Only he holds the key A light to free me from my burden And grant me life eternally
Should have been dead On a Sunday morning Banging my head No time for mourning Ain’t got no time
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels their selfish pride (And I said oh) We’re all held captive Out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one
I cry out to God Seeking only his decision Gabriel stands and confirms I’ve created my own prison I cry out to God Seeking only his decision Gabriel stands and confirms I’ve created my own prison
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels their selfish pride (And I said oh) We’re all held captive Out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels their selfish pride (And I said oh) We’re all held captive Out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one
Should’ve been dead on a Sunday morning banging my head No time for mourning Ain’t got no time
I come to my blog as a way to both shed things and find myself. There are days that I feel as though I’m shedding a skin. A worn, dried and wrinkled skin that has slowed me over the years. So many things that I’ve overcome, so many feelings that I’ve worked my way through, and yet I still wander. My wandering has more purpose to it now. I seek truth, happiness, peace, and balance. All the things that we require as humans to make it through this world intact.
I think by now everyone is aware that I go outside and walk for hours at a time. The route can change based on how I’m feeling, time set aside, and of course how my body is doing. My favorite of all my routes is one that takes me back through all of the old neighborhoods. Even the areas that I spent my younger life doing all of the lawless things. It’s familiar, and with familiarity comes comfort. I’ve said before that I fear nothing and no one. Walking these areas feels no different than walking around my own neighborhood now. I know the things to look for, I know how to posture myself, I’ve mastered the skills years ago. I’m looked upon not so much as an outsider, but one of them.
These streets, how they speak to me as I move. The route never feels the same. Each time I go there’s something more to see, hear and feel. I take all of it in. On the days when I struggle a bit more, this route can be a little taxing. My vision becomes focused on things that I really don’t want to see. Yet, something in me makes me look anyway. In so many of my blogs I refer to my time out wandering as being a witness. Witnessing the beauty that the world has to offer as well as the darkness that so many choose to ignore. I feel one with all of it now. I seemed to have developed a gypsy spirit. Wandering is something that I feel is necessary for me to do. I want to see as much as possible while I’m still breathing. It doesn’t take much to convince me into walking out the door and getting lost. You just have to say the word and I’m there.
Comfort is where you find it. I’m sure we all have certain things that put us at ease. Things that make us comfortable. Reading a good book, surfing social media, sharing wine with a friend. All the many different things that make us unique. I find that my time spent writing is very relaxing. Enjoying music in the background while doing anything is key to my comfort. I live and breathe music. I also find that my dogs are satisfying to my heart and soul. They give me so much love. The look that I receive when I walk through the door is unmatched by any human. If I step outside to get the mail, two sets of eyes will gaze at me when I return. Their tails will be wagging. They have a look of satisfaction because I’m there. I won’t lie when I tell you that I sing to my dogs while petting them. It’s a freeze frame moment. They stop and just stare at me in such a deep fashion. You just know that you’re loved unconditionally. I highly recommend a dog in your life, especially if you struggle with any form of mental illness. “A home is only complete when it has a dog in it.” At least that’s how I see it.
I’ve been spending more time working on pages in my book. This in turn makes me want to then blog more. I’m sure that some of you have noticed I’ve been shooting them out left and right. Some of it has to do with feelings that have crept up during the writing process. If I feel that I’ve gotten too deep in what I’m writing in the book. This blog helps to settle me and bring back the calmness. I’ve been working on portions that have to do with some very toxic relationships. I blogged about some of that earlier this week. Women that have had serious anger issues. One of them was a serious stalker. Then of course there were the alcoholics. The writing process is such that I feel like I’m going back through all of this. Feelings came forward that were so intense I had to get up, walk around the the house and pet my dogs. It was as though I was still living in these moments. Trying to keep it separated from your current reality can be tough. I’m sure you can all relate in some fashion. We’ve all had some kind of relationship that caused us damage. If you think of that person now, what does it make you feel? I wear my Garmin and can actually watch my heart rate jump. When I was typing about the stalker, it spiked!
I enjoy sharing all of this with the world now. Funny how I’ve spent so much in my life hiding everything away, and for what? For fear of being judged? People judge you no matter what you do in life. I prefer this new and more open version of myself. I also like having a platform. It allows me to reach others who might suffer in the same way that I have. I’ve had some great conversation from things I’ve blogged about. I’ve also had great conversations that have sparked feelings that in turn prompted me to write. It’s safe to say that writing for me is the ultimate in comfort.
While I had a small set back this week. I feel good today. I’m better equipped to handle stresses now. My counselor has taught me much and given me the tools I need to flourish in my life. I see things differently now. I’ve read back through some of my earlier blogs and can actually see the growth. I see some hope now where all I could see before was sadness. I think that once I’m able to get through this book writing I’ll feel clean. When I write my final page I can look down and smile. I’ll know that what I have then is my life lived. All of my sadness, anger, cruelty, brokenness, and deceit are balanced. They are balanced with all of the desire, hope, understanding, guidance, patience, and love.
I’m only one person on a giant planet full of many people. While I’m only one, my story is unique. It’s one that needed to be told. The events required witnesses. That’s where you all step in. You’re a witness to all of this. I appreciate that I have all of you to read what I have. To walk the streets with me and see everything that I see. Whether it’s through my eyes or the eyes of Zombie. We’ll move forward together.
The Robert and Zombie connection. Through counseling and my own willingness to work on myself I’ve started to see life in a more positive way. My journey to finding peace continues. I do however have these blips on the radar that remind me of what lies beneath. While I’m calmer, I still feel this rage, this beast that sits just below the surface. I don’t know any other way to describe it. My counselor (Amy) and I decided that “it” was Zombie. Almost like an alter ego. Something you probably read about in a comic book. Zombie still resides within, and has moments where he wants to be heard and seen as well. Let me get more into this.
Over the years rather than try to erase all that Zombie is/was, it was decided that I’d be better served to embrace my darker side. To understand that the keen ability that I’d gained, and the very alert, watchful part of me was key to keeping me alive. Amy had asked me before how I felt about my darkness. She wanted to know what I liked and disliked about that part of me. I found it easy to respond to this. I liked the feeling of power that I had. To be the one that was feared could be exhilarating. There were people in my life for whom I had respect and also feared. It was a small handful, but the way they commanded things, and those around them was something to see. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to glamorize them, or these feelings. I’m just trying to explain who and what I am, along with how I got this way.
As I aged, I didn’t like how I felt. I was tired of being so angry all of the time. It was like the darker half of me was trying to take over everything. Sleep disorders, nightmares, broken relationships. This was the cost of being so dark. I wanted change. I wanted to feel good about myself, and be able to sleep again. At the same time I was scared of becoming too soft and losing my edge. I didn’t want to be seen as vulnerable. When I think of things like this, I think of others looking at me as a “mark.” I didn’t want to become the target… the prey. The idea of letting this part of me go was terrifying.
Amy and I discussed my reasons for still walking all of the old neighborhoods. For the longest time I really had no answer as to why I was doing it. I believe part of the reason was because there was a level of comfort to those streets. I’d spent so much time on them. I never fear them because I feel as though they’re mine. I own those streets and no one will take that from me. I don’t feel as though anyone can hurt me there because I’ve already paid my toll. I did my time, and put in my work. I get to pass through without being harmed. I also feel that by walking those streets, it reminds me of who I am and where I came from. I never want to let go of that. I never want to put myself above it. While it was hell on earth at times, it built me into who I am today.
I talked about some of the stresses that I go through in a previous blog. Social anxiety, close, or tight spaces with other humans is hard. I don’t feel that other humans respect the people around them. I know for fact that people these days seem to have no fear of saying anything that happens to climb into their mouths. They tend to spew the ugliest things with no regard for their own safety. I say it like that because I was taught that you never underestimate your opponent. You can’t simply look past someone. While people have the freedom to speak their mind, the person they’re talking to might just be the Zombie, or some other dark creature. There’s a price to be paid for disrespect in this world. On the street, it can be your life.
I experienced an event just yesterday while doing my workout at the gym. I’ll tell you that when I go to the gym, I move quickly, keep to myself and get my workout done. That being said, I was doing curls on a “preacher curl” machine when an older gentleman walked up and asked me what I was doing. I looked at him puzzled. He went on a rant about how many more sets do you have and why are you taking so long? It was a moment that I really couldn’t believe was happening. WTF was wrong with this guy and why was he coming at me so hard? His face was slightly red and he looked very agitated. I’ll also share that I wear a Garmin when I work out and have a set amount of rest time in between sets of just 40 seconds. The idea that I was laying around on a piece of equipment and taking too much time was far from the case. At the end of his rant, I felt the rage boil and it was as if my skin peeled back to allow the inner monster to flare. I stood up off the equipment and leaned towards the guy and simply said “Fuck Off.” I didn’t scream it, I wasn’t loud. Again, I was taught that you say what you mean and mean what you say. I could see his face change instantly, and he walked away. He got to see the monster in full view. The part of me that I do my best to keep locked away would not be stopped on this day. This is not bragging, and there’s always a level of sadness when this happens because I don’t like to be this way. There’s also the side of me that gets the adrenaline surge and is like YEAH! I know things like this can turn ugly. I know that I can be a better person. At that moment I felt so threatened, so disrespected, and so looked past that I just couldn’t stomach it.
The Robert and Zombie connection is still there and I know that it will be a part of my life going forward. One of the discussions that Amy and I had about the connection was the longevity of Zombie. I’m smart enough to know that I’m closing in on 60 and not as fast and strong as I once was. We’ve made jokes about me being an O.G. (old gangster) There should be more moments of simply walking away. Yesterday just wasn’t that day. I played this out in my head a million times yesterday after I’d left the gym. It carried into my night at work as well. I’ve come to the conclusion today that once again, Zombie is just a part of me. He felt the need to step forward and take control. I’ve decided I need to be alright with what happened. No one was hurt. The guy might think twice before he attacks someone at the gym again, and I’ve gone back to being Robert. True to form, I’m on here writing about it because it does me more good to see it in writing which helps me work it out of my system.
I’ve seen the quotes all over social media saying “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Also “be kind because you never know what someone is going through.” Humans should probably pay closer attention to these. They’re true statements. My sister and I discuss all of the time how “you need to be mindful of what you say because you never know who you might be talking to.” Take a soft approach. If this guy would’ve come up and asked how much more I had to do, I would’ve given him a very exact timeline… because I do time my workouts. He took a different path, and rather than getting to speak to Robert, he met Zombie.
Thank you so much for following along on my journey.
I’m going to jump into a topic that could get long winded. I’d like to explore relationships on several different levels. Get into the how and why we align ourselves with certain types of people. Is it that we seek a certain type of person to be part of our life, or do these people seek us. There have certainly been many times throughout my life when I’ve encountered less than desirable people. In some cases even had more intimate relationships with them. Later in life I look back and wonder what it was that caused this. Why would I put myself in such a bad position? Let’s take a deeper look at all of this and see how it unwinds.
I’ll start where I usually do and tell you that I was groomed at a young age by a man who knew exactly how to manipulate other humans. He was a master at the craft and did his best to then train me to be the same. This was my first real encounter with someone who I should’ve never let into my life. I was too young to understand what he was doing. I was still trying to learn what the world was all about when he arrived. There was a level of trust because he was friends with my father. We seek approval from our parents, and we use them as a guide when we’re children. If they have this person in their world, well then it must be o.k. for me to have them in mine, right? Predators find their way into all kinds of circles: Friends, family, and social structures such as churches, clubs etc. They know what they’re doing and they know what to look for. This had me asking as an adult, what was I doing that made me such a target? Did I send out some kind of vibe or have some kind of marking on me that said I would be an easy target? I questioned myself for so many years. Sat in silence wondering what I had “done.” Self isolation and self evaluation turned into self hatred. I did this to myself. I brought this upon myself was what I began to think. Nothing could be further from the truth!
As I moved through my life, I continued to be in situations with people that I knew deep inside of me were not going to be good for me. It’s my belief that I did this because of my lack of self-esteem and the damage that had already occurred. When you think so little of yourself, that opens the door for the ones that we should steer clear of to come in. It again brings me to the question, did I invite them? When I was at my most reckless, I didn’t believe that I’d live long. This way of thinking had me doing things that one would normally never do. I chose people who were damaged and broken. They were seeking refuge in my world from whatever demons followed them. Their issues then became mine. This is where things got ugly.
As I stated before. I’m a keen study of humans and tend to notice things that many would not. I could see these people who struggled, or were predators, coming yet did nothing to stop it. Perhaps in some cases I felt that I could “fix” them. Make the world they lived in better somehow. Like I had the power to move mountains. The “white knight syndrome” as I refer to it. I can ride in, fix all the broken and everything will be good again. It just doesn’t work that way with humans. We’re too complex for that. Whether it was the “friends” that I chose to be around, or the women that I chose to be partners with. The results kept coming up the same way. I encountered alcoholics (numerous), stalkers, manipulators and violent humans. When I tell you that I’m surprised that I’ve survived so much of my life, it’s a very true story. I’m grateful that I’m still here and able, as well as willing to talk about all of this.
Being with a person who says that they love you and then does horrible things to you should make you stop and ponder your life situation immediately. While attempting to break apart from a toxic relationship in my life, I found myself on the receiving end of someone telling me that if I left them they would kill themselves. Think about that statement for a second. The weight placed upon you from the guilt that comes with such words. Guilt is a weapon that is used to control. “If you don’t do as I say this will happen and it will be your fault.” That’s what I was hearing. I will tell you now that my response to this was to end the relationship and if this person “chose” to harm themselves, it was not my burden to carry. Yet I could see how someone could fall into that trap. It wasn’t without some serious thought that I came to the decision that I did. I’ll tell you now that this person never harmed themself and moved on in their life. It was nothing more than someone trying to be controlling and take my own power away from me.
The stalker: I dated a woman for only a couple of months and decided that it wasn’t something I wanted to pursue any longer. The response was unsettling. It began with a constant barrage of notes and letters left on my vehicle. A tape recording that had both songs and her speaking was left on the gate of my parents’ home for me. From there it went to being followed while out on runs or when going to the store. She was a police officer in my city so I found myself getting pulled over several times…”just to talk.” When it ramped up into subtle threats, I had to hire an attorney who then sent a letter to the police department asking that she cease and desist. A protective order was also put into place. This finally put an end to what had become a nightmare. Looking over your shoulder all the time is something that I’d done earlier in my life and found myself doing yet again.
The alcoholic that chose the bottle every single time over our relationship: It didn’t matter how reckless it was, or who was hurt along the way. The only thing that mattered at the time was the drink. There were several alcoholics in my world. Some I dated and finally moved on from, two of them I actually married. The ones that I married were very good at hiding their desire for booze. It came out later on once they found their level of comfort with me. I guess they felt that I was on the hook now because of the vows I made, so it was cool to unleash hell. The first marriage was the easy one to walk away from. We had no children and had not been married for that long. I felt tortured that I’d made this “mistake.” The second marriage was much uglier. There were children involved and I was now dealing with the lives of kids who didn’t have a say in all of this. I thought at the time that it would be best to stay in the marriage for the sake of “saving” the kids. Please don’t ever use this way of thinking. The kids suffered damage and would regardless of my relationship with their mother. I couldn’t shield them from the wrath of an angry drunk. I wasn’t around 24/7 to control all situations. I found the strength to push away from her and build something with the kids. More damage came from this relationship and I’d lost faith in myself. How did I let this happen?
A wise and wonderful woman came into my life through Al-Anon and became my sponsor. I live by so much of what she taught me to this very day. We sat together one day and had a discussion about people who have come and gone in our lives and how all the problems came to be. In my case with relationships she made it simple. “You need to readjust your antenna.” While I chuckled at the statement she made it clear that I needed to stop looking for women I felt I could save or change. This also carried over into any other relationships in my life. Think things through and choose people who don’t “need” you. They just simply want to be with you because they choose to. They can stand on their own two feet even if you’re not there. When I made that change for myself, I found that I suddenly attracted better people. My current wife is the one that I found by making that adjustment. She’s capable of being on her own, she needs nothing from me, but chooses to be with me, and I with her. Coming up on 20 years, so I think it’s safe to say that it was a smart move.
I think that the answer to the question of do we seek these people or do they seek us is a combination of both. When you’re broken you can certainly allow yourself to make bad decisions. It doesn’t make you a horrible person, it just means that you’re going to struggle unnecessarily. Fixing whatever it is inside you that needs fixing is the first step. I’ve always agreed with the saying that “you can’t love someone else unless you love yourself first.” Along with this, there are people out there who have similar abilities that I do. They can see things that most don’t pay attention to. They use this for their own personal gains. They use the ability to seek those whom they feel they can manipulate and control. My training early on was on purpose. The man who was training me wanted to turn me into someone who could both see trouble coming and also recognize an easy target. So I know what I’m talking about here. This is part of the pain that I carry now because I see so many around me who struggle, or are tortured in relationships that are broken. I hear their cries of pain without ever getting into all of their details. They’ve been selected by someone who is there to further their own agenda. That’s not love, it’s predatory.
Insanity is often described as “repeating the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result.” I learned that I was repeating the same things and always wanting for something better. It wasn’t until I made changes to myself that I found better results. Understand that just because you’ve made mistakes in your life doesn’t mean that you have no value. Just because you’ve divorced several times doesn’t make you less. I can’t say it enough that we’re all just humans trying to find our way. If you’ve made a poor decision and it’s causing you pain, make the necessary changes to stop that hurt, don’t allow it to fester. There’s no judgment involved in wanting better for yourself. It’s not selfish to want to find peace. If it’s selfish, then sign me up for being selfish, because I want peace more than anything.
I wear a band on my Garmin watch that says “Stalked by Demons, Guarded by Angels.” I’ve been stalked by demons for far too long and welcome the guardians. I want others to do the same. I’m still here today because I’ve always believed somewhere deep inside of me that I was good, that I had value. Even when so many looked the other way. Even when I was preyed upon. I held onto my inner voice. That voice is louder than ever now and I’m finally seeing the light. Ask yourself if you’re willing to do the same. No, none of this has been easy, but no one said that life was. Hold onto that voice and be the change that will bring you peace.
This is the part of me that I never wanted to share with others. These are the thoughts that haunt me at every turn in my life. The self-doubt, the sadness, the desire to be seen. All of the things that I was trained to put aside and keep moving no matter what. They all still reside inside of me to this very day. While I’m much better than I was earlier in my life, the struggle remains. The hardest part is that you never know when it will emerge. It can unexpectedly turn you upside down. A stalking burglar waiting for the right time to attack.
I recently decided to take my wife on a quick overnight trip to Indianapolis to see a WNBA game. It was something that I thought she’d enjoy and out of our “usual” order of places to go. While she’d been to the city on prior visits with her brother to see Drum corps competition. This would be a first for the two of us. I threw the idea to go and see a game out to her and she grabbed hold. I purchased some nose bleed seats for a game. I also scored a hotel with parking. We were all set for an adventure. The drive was a little on the boring side. On the route between Ohio and Indiana, all you find are giant farm fields. There are also giant churches. Neither of which screams for my attention. We arrived in town and headed for a local brewery that also doubled as a dog park. While I have zero interest in beer, I love seeing and touching dogs. It was a cute place. It was set in a neighborhood. It reminded me of the “Old West End” back in Toledo. Old homes that had been redone, apartments that were situated because it was also home to Indiana University. My wife selected some beers to sample. She would eventually have them fill a growler for her with the winning flavor. There were dogs situated about the place and a big screen showing others outside playing in all forms of water. It was an overall cute experience.
From there we made our way to our hotel, got parked and situated. The next order of business was to find lunch. We searched all the places in walking distance and settled on a place that Karla had been to prior. It was a popular place. Once we arrived, there were people waiting both inside and outside to get a spot. It was at this point that I could feel my anxiety start to build. Once getting inside the door, the closed off feelings started to come into play. A guy waited with his family. He was getting way too close in my space. I found myself beginning to evaluate my surroundings. God, I hate when my brain starts doing this but it’s like a knee jerk reaction. I look around and start to check exits, look at people that could be threats, and shut down internally. The guy behind me had already bumped into me twice causing me to give looks of disapproval. My wife said to hang on. She assured me it would only be about 10 minutes. I wasn’t sure if I’d make it. The space was too cramped. It was warm because of the heat from the door opening and closing so much. The people were not good about personal space. This is what goes on in my head. These are the types of things that my spouse has to process right along with me. She’s become a unwilling participant in my illness.
Trying to explain these feelings to my wife, or anyone for that matter can be taxing. I already have feelings of guilt because I can’t go into a stupid restaurant without getting mentally pressed. Is it fair for someone else to go through these things with you? Does she really understand? How can she be with me? These feelings weigh heavily on you. They sit at the table with you as you try to explain that you’ll be alright. The attempt to explain that the space was bad and the people were touching you almost sounds absurd. I wrestle with this all of the time. This afternoon on our get away would be no different. Once we were in our own space and I could breathe again, I began to find my center. I slowly started to calm down and make light conversation with our server. The game that would follow was great. I did my own assessments as we walked through the complex. I managed to stay focused on this new experience. I was able to stay present during the game and not worry about everything around me.
Once we released out after the game and hit the street. I felt the calm that I’d been searching for. My desire to be on the street felt more at home. I enjoyed walking about and taking in the sights. Yet, I was still evaluating those that could be threats. When I talk about my walks across the city, I feel at ease. I also feel the same way during hikes through trails in parks. The following morning after the game we woke early and headed out for a walkabout in the city. Taking in all that Indy had to offer. Enormous sports complexes, old homes, warehouses that had been converted into either apartments or commercial businesses. The local zoo and a river walk. We found ourselves caught up in a local 5K while walking and just took notice at all the many teens that were participating in the event. It made me smile to see so many youth taking part in the sport that brought me so much peace. I couldn’t help but think maybe there were some in the group that felt like I do about running. Perhaps it was their best friend too. Again, it made me smile. It’s times like this that I feel free and want to just be. I enjoy being with my wife, talking about whatever comes to mind. I truly feel happy when we do our walks. How funny that I derive so much pleasure from something that cost nothing. Don’t get me wrong. I loved going to the game. However, I found more happiness in the walk with Karla on the following morning.
This weekend has shown me that I’m still capable of getting through things that in the past I never would’ve been able to do. It’s also given me a reminder that I still have more work to do. You are enjoying a part of your life. You’re with the person you truly want to be with. You don’t want to explain why you feel bad. Why you feel unloved, or broken. My sister and I just talked about the ability to love. “I told her that we’re unable to love others unless we can love ourselves first.” She agrees. I do love myself, at least enough now that I can share my feelings with someone else. It didn’t come right away, but it’s come now to stay. I’ve promised my wife that if she can see through all of my faults/flaws, there is someone on the other side that is worth spending her time with. She’s still here after almost 20 years together, so I’m hopeful she does see the value in me that for me at times is the biggest struggle of them all.
Blurring the lines and keeping people apart is a tactic used by mob figures for decades. Keeping people on the cusp of thinking they’ll eventually get a share of the riches is part of the game. I know this and have firsthand knowledge of such practices. I was made to believe that a better life was obtainable, as long as I did as I was told. As time progressed and I began to question why I wasn’t seeing all the riches and better life that was promised, the darker side came into play. At that point, I was too far in and everything changed. Threats, bullying, and manipulation were served daily to keep me in line. When you watch current events unfold, I wan you to think seriously about what I’m saying here and understand that there’s not a good ending going forward.
I’ve explained many times that I’m a study of humans, a voyeur if you will. This too started out at a very young age and was part of my grooming process. While the idea was to sharpen my skills and make me aware of everything around me, the boss never thought that my skills would then become so sharp that I’d pay the same attention to what he was doing and how he was doing it. Knowledge is key in this world. Having proper schooling and training is key to being a successful person. People who want to control know this and do everything they can to make sure that you don’t get the proper tools to succeed. If you’re smarter than they are, you’ll understand the game and could throw everything into chaos. I’ll share a quote from an educated and very talented rock artist.
“Just in General, any government throughout history hasn’t really wanted its people to be educated, because then they couldn’t control them as easily.” (Maynard James Keenan from the band Tool)
That right there is a very true and powerful statement. When we are kept from becoming better educated, and stronger, our demise will soon follow. I felt this when I was working in the underworld. I was doing everything that was asked of me. I worked hard to make things better in my life, only to find that I’d end up terrified to speak, unable to walk around freely and more than anything, lost my ability to sleep. There was no winning in this world. I was just put in place to enrich a very small few, mostly the boss’s family members. Those of us who took risks, put our bodies on the line, lost our ties with family and friends were left soulless and angry. All of the promises that were made never came to fruition. The only things that I’ve gained were some street skills and an acute ability to understand other humans. The trade off was far from balanced and I’ve suffered for most of my life because of it.
Watching the world today makes me feel as though my old boss is back in charge of my life. Promises of greatness and riches are spewed out on a regular basis, and if you don’t believe those promises, you’re the one not to be trusted. You are then looked upon as “the enemy.” How dare you not believe what the boss is saying. How dare you question what you know are untruths. I’ve seen this play out before, in my past life. The boss, his family and friends are the ones who will enjoy the spoils that are provided by the foot soldiers. You may be thrown an occasional scrap, but you’ll never sit at the table with them. You’re not part of that world.
We’ve become a society of “all about me.” There is no more empathy, or even desire to understand the struggles of other humans. “Let them fend for themselves, pick up their bootstraps and make better for themselves, that’s not my job.” We can walk silently past the homeless, we can reach to protect our handbags when seeing someone who might not look like us, and we can turn our backs on someone who has lost everything. This is the sad reality of life in America. “If it doesn’t affect me directly, then it doesn’t matter at all.” That’s how I see people when I look around nowadays. Communities and neighborhoods have been sacrificed. States are fighting against other states to gain the almighty dollar from the corporate overlords. When I see this, again it makes me think of my old boss. All these same things went on and the only winner was him.
I’ve heard all of the banter over these past years, and I’ve been called many different names for questioning the validity of certain statements. While my soul is still restless from my past, I continue to try to find a way to mend. I need to find a way to reach others so that they too don’t become broken pieces in this winless game. See things for what they are, become a study of humans and break out. Look to build bridges with others around you and never be silenced by anyone. Never, and I mean never let someone take away your voice! I’ve said this in past blogs. We the people have the right to be heard and seen. There is no path forward unless we make the changes that are necessary. If it’s left to the bosses, you’ll never be free and it won’t end well.
If you take anything from my blogs, take this. I’ve seen how bad humans can be, and I’ve seen how wonderful they can be as well. Now is the time to look into the mirror and ask yourself what you see. It’s time to ask yourself what kind of world you want to live in, raise your kids in, or perhaps see your grandchildren grow up in. Will you accept the promises of the “boss,” or will you look to your neighbor and unite for a better tomorrow? The choice is still ours. Your voice is still your own, for the moment. Don’t let someone make you live in silence and secrets. I’ve spent my lifetime digging my way out of that, so I know the path that I’m choosing. Take my hand as we move forward. Let me end this with a verse from the Bible.
“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and say to you, Do not fear: I will help you.”
Self worth “The inherent belief in one’s own value as a person, regardless of external factors like achievements or opinions. It’s a sense of being good enough and deserving of love and respect.”
Self Esteem “Is an individual’s subjective sense of their own worth and value.”
While these two are closely related, they’re distinct concepts. Let me get into this and share my perspective.
I was an easy target for someone to manipulate me when I was young because I struggled with self-esteem. I didn’t value who I was as a person, and I was influenced by outside sources that left me with the inability to build myself up. If you feel as though you have no value, it’s hard to build it up when you take what others have to say as gospel. When a person continually tells you that you’re worthless, you just might begin to believe it. I’m here to tell you, don’t listen!
I came from a poor family. We had very little, and it showed at times. We wore secondhand clothing and got by on bare essentials for many years. These kinds of things can leave you feeling cast aside by society. Add to that the fact that I lived in a poor area of the city, which puts you at a disadvantage when applying for jobs or socializing in general. The minute you put your zip code down it was as though you could almost feel the look of disgust. You knew at that point your application would find its way to file X.
Society wants winners and pretty people. They don’t want to hear from those who have to struggle. It doesn’t make them feel good. I walked the streets with a chip on my shoulder because I felt the weight of this and it grew worse as time went on. Rather than helping to build people up, we leave them at the side of the road where predators can feed upon them. This I know for fact because I fell into that trap. The guy who “groomed” me did so in such a fashion that I felt I would want for nothing. I had power through intimidation and violence. I skirted the edges of the law and did so unapologetically. I went from a kid who had nothing to one who had the power and backing of the underworld, or so I thought. My self esteem was built on lies and deception, and when it was pulled away, I fell back into my belief that I was nothing.
The things that changed me for the better were having people come into my life who offered me a better view of the world. I was hungry for a better life, a better world. Once I caught a glimpse of how things could be, it drove me to want to succeed. Finding that I was capable of being good at things and believing in myself drove my self-esteem to higher levels. I knew that I could compete with anyone and be successful. I no longer relied on the voices that would try to hold me back in order to serve their purpose.
One of the biggest changes in my life came with running. Running was something that gave me confidence. It didn’t matter if I was fast or slow, I was doing it on my own. My success was based on my ability to put on a pair of running shoes and just go. This was such a transformative time in my life. My feelings of pride and accomplishment gave me the internal voice to stand tall and feel good about myself. I felt that what I’d learned from my running I could apply to all aspects of my life and succeed.
While running wasn’t the cure, it was the beginning of a wonderful change in me. Running gave me more than it ever took away. That’s more than I can say for numerous people who passed through my life. While it did help me with relationships, it wasn’t able to fix all the damage that I’d encountered. The next step was walking into a counselor’s office and being open about my life. Stepping out of the shadows that had made me believe for so long that I could never do better. It gave me the confidence to change my direction in all aspects of my life. I learned that I have value, and I can command respect. I also learned to love deeply and openly. Placing trust in those you know won’t harm you.
If you believe in yourself and understand your value in this world, you’ll attract better humans into your orbit. Don’t settle for people who want to put you down or place value on you based on your looks, your pocketbook, or your zip code. I’d rather stand alone than settle for people who think so little of me. If you feel as though you’re with a person who doesn’t hear you or see you for everything that you are, do yourself a favor and move on. We all have something special about us. Being human means that we have our flaws, but rather than think less of ourselves, we should just simply celebrate who and what we are.
I wear all my scars with honor now. My brokenness is a thing of beauty. It may not be for everyone, but I’m good living in my own skin, and that’s what really matters. I no longer allow others to place a value on who or what I am. I tell you all this because I hope that I reach those who might still be struggling with their value. Once again I say, “I see you, and I hear you.” Don’t just wish for better, make the changes within yourself to be better. Take care of you first and you’ll see that your self-esteem will skyrocket. This will in turn make you understand that your self-worth is truly controlled by you. Never give your power to another person…ever.
Thank you so much for following along on my journey.
I’d like to start out my blog today by sharing a piece by R.M. Drake:
“One day you’ll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat, and maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you, and welcome you home.”
I’ve been on here many times throwing so much of my life out there, that I’m sure at times people wonder “will he ever get better?” There have been many blogs that have covered darkness and despair. They were necessary. I had to put things in writing in order to face all of it and understand what part I played in all of it. I had to read through my own work and make a decision on whether I wanted to remain in my secluded world, or break free and experience life on different terms. Yes, there are many bad things that I’ve done and that have happened to me. Yes, I’m damaged inside and outside from all of it. Yes, I’m broken, but I’ve never given up on the hope that I could be better. Even when life was at it’s toughest, I looked for a way forward. That glimmer of light that I could follow and use to find my way to the surface.
Earlier in life I was closed off from my entire family. I’d found a way to seal off everything. This was done for the protection of both them and myself. I had to learn to have no feelings, or at least make it look on the surface as if I had none. Feelings were a way for the “others” to find their way in and bring harm to you. If I were to have told anyone in my family all of the things that were going on, they would surely have been harmed. I’m certain that I would have met with my own demise as well. While all of this was going on and I was locked away from everything, I was still seeking that light. Music became my escape from pain. At times when I felt like I was going to explode internally, I turned to music to find a way through. So many times I was able to push through the pain and continue to survive.
If you spend any time around me now, you’ll probably hear some kind of music playing in the background. I have it on now while I’m doing this blog, and I have it on while I’ve been writing my book. You can hear music while I do housework, clean cars or any of the many activities that I perform throughout the day. Music keeps me going. Some of it just has to do with the way it sounds. Then there are the songs that you swear the artist knew exactly what you were feeling when they wrote the song. You associate with the song and it somehow becomes a part of you. I’ve used music to survive and continue to use it in my healing process. It’s safe to say that it’s a necessity in my life.
There is an actual name for when you get chills, or goosebumps from listening to music. It’s known as frisson. Here is some interesting information about the music and brain connection from Science Times.
“What happens to your brain when you get chills:
The study suggests that the denser fiber in the brain means that the auditory and emotion-processing areas of the brain of those who get chills are better able to communicate with each other, thus the stronger reaction they have to what is called musical stimuli. Sachs also concluded in his study that those who get the chills have a higher tendency to experience more intense emotions than those people who do not feel anything while listening to music.”
This helps me to understand myself a little better. I’ve always felt that my brain was hyperactive anyway, and to find that an actual brain/music connection has been proven scientifically is a game changer. The intensity that I could have with my emotions was at times scary for me to process. I also learned later that I have the tendency to react to stressful events in a trauma-driven way. Life or death, black or white.
Learning more and more things about myself and the reasons that I’ve acted the way I have for so many years is helpful. In prior self evaluations I had just thought of myself as “crazy.” Now I understand that I am damaged yes, but not crazy. There’s science behind much of what I feel and how I react. Knowing this makes life going forward look much clearer. I’ve always said that what I seek is truth, clarity, and peace in my life. The idea of being able to just relax and let life come at me slowly makes my eyes fill with tears of joy. The trail seems brighter and peace seems obtainable. As stated in the writing that I opened with, “One day you’ll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat, and maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you, and welcome you home.” I look forward to life smiling back at me. It’s something that I’ve always searched for. When that time arrives, I’ll know that I’ve truly arrived home.
Finding the road to healing and revisiting ghosts from your past. While I’m in a much better place today, I still have set-backs. Some are small and manageable, others require me stepping back into my counselor’s office. “Trauma isn’t just what happened. It’s also what you had to go through alone.” Feeling alone was a huge part of my past. Being unable to tell anyone what was going on or about the things that I was involved in was, at times, soul crushing. There was no way to be comforted. I learned early in my life to be small, invisible, and quiet.
“Robert is such a quiet guy, and so shy.” These kind of descriptions followed me throughout my school life. I never wanted to be noticed. The further out of the light that I could keep myself, the better everything would feel. I was hypervigilant all of the time. I could feel things that others would never pay attention to. While it was a service to me at times, it also caused me to be anxious and to fear relationships. I was unable to trust people and it was exhausting.
Things can happen in “ordinary” life that can trigger these feelings to surface. Sometimes it’s the smallest thing. The way something is said, a look from a person or, of course, verbal confrontation. There are so many times when I’ve found myself wanting to revert back to the scared child. Looking for an escape, a place to hide and not be seen. Oddly enough, the other side of this same coin is that as an adult, I get almost hostile when I’m not heard or seen. There was a turning point toward the end of high school where I became defiant towards my “boss”. I’d started to believe more in myself and my confidence was growing. A new and better life could actually be obtained. The internal battle raged.
I recently did a blog about my high school typing teacher. Telling you all how important she became in my turn around. The “it” factor that she possessed somehow transferred to me. I felt that everything she was telling me was true. So much so that I changed the direction that I had been heading. I’ve also stated that there’s a good possibility she was instrumental in saving me. I was finally able to meet her face to face recently. We had breakfast together at a local restaurant and then went back to her home where we discussed all parts of my life. She was inquisitive, thoughtful, gracious and had wonderful things to share. While she couldn’t place me in her mind from many moons ago, it didn’t matter. She’d welcomed me and wanted to hear my story. My main reason for reaching out to her in the first place was I wanted so much to tell her “thank you.” There are not many moments you get to sit down with someone so important to you and say what you really needed to say. I was gifted these moments in time, and I’m forever grateful for our paths crossing.
Ms. Osborn, my teacher was a ghost from my past that I needed to visit me again. I’d felt that there was unfinished business. I’ve found that I continue to look back at times to reach out to those who meant something to me. The ones who guided me even if they were never aware. The girl that I dated through most of high school would be another one of these ghosts. She was a bright light of hope during a time when all I knew was darkness. During the time we spent together, I was allowed to see the world through different eyes. We talked recently and she said that “I think you had more than one side and maybe that’s what you shared with me. Like a respite from the other.” Yes, it was a moment to breathe, to just be.
My road to recovering from my past was littered with so many who had hoped they could reach me. People who thought they’d found a way in, only to find that I’d already closed up and moved on. My random moments of anxiety, or shame were things that I was unable to express. To this very day I struggle sometimes to tell my own wife how I’m feeling, or why I’m feeling a certain way. Feelings of doubt climb into my head and I say things like “she doesn’t need to hear this” or perhaps “she’s heard enough and doesn’t need to hear this anymore.” The kid from the past then takes it all and places it in a hidden box. Stay small, don’t let her see you.
This, my friends, is why I blog. I can’t be the only one on the planet who has these kinds of feelings. In fact I know that I’m not. I had to seek out the ghosts that I knew could help me, once again, continue on the path that I need to stay on. Solid ground that will help me to move forward and be happy. In fact the parting words that my teacher shared with me were this. “Robert, live your life, live your life to the fullest and be happy.” Once again she said the right thing at the right time. A ghosts came to me and told me to be free of everything and live. It would be a disservice to her if I didn’t follow through with that. I may struggle, I may fall back a step, but I’ll never quit. Peace is right around the corner.
The zombie file 