The Emotional Process of Writing a Book

March 3, 2025March 3, 2025 / Zombie / 1 Comment

The challenges of writing a book are a real thing. My issues stem more from the inability to get through sections because of the content. I’ve said before that it’s all stored and just waiting to come out and onto my computer. I sit down, turn on some music and start typing. I recently typed up portions that had to do with events that are just disturbing. Telling this part of the story gave me all kinds of bad feelings. I didn’t like myself for being a witness to things that I never wanted to see. Writing it out was a positive, but then re-reading it made it very real…again. I looked over the words and wondered, who the fuck was I?! It’s these moments that make me have to step away and get my head straight again.

I’m grateful that I have a support system in place, so that when this does happen, I can reach out and look for clarity. While I understand that it was a long time ago, and that I was a young tween/teen at the time, I can’t help but gravitate towards those negative human emotions. I contacted my sister and went for a walk after typing up this latest portion of my memoir. I was catching her up on what I was working on. We discussed one of the situations in particular that had me still feeling sick. I explained the whole event and how I’d left it open to interpretation. I couldn’t help but break into tears as we walked. It was like this tidal wave of horror that just washed over me. I felt like I was trapped in a dark storm. My sister was very gracious and kept reminding me that I was just a kid, that I was surviving, and that I needed to let this go. The actions of others were not my doing, and in fact I was being intimidated by these individuals for a reason…control.

I love that I have this outlet to clear my head. I do love writing and telling this story. I knew going into it that it would be painful, but I guess I didn’t realize just how much pain it would bring about. This book is important to me. I’m hopeful that once it’s all out that I’ll feel some kind of relief; a closure of sorts. The idea is to be able to come to terms with all of it – everything. The other challenge with writing is my constant view of everything that went on and how many times I put myself in a bad position. I think of the legal ramifications with everything I type. There was a passage that I was writing and I made the statement “this is when I committed my first felony.” The gravity of that statement sat heavy with me. With each paragraph I type I look back at it and can just sit there and point out all of the different things that are illegal. It’s like throwing a dart at a board and hitting a bullseye every time.

I have to keep telling myself that I’m not that person anymore. While he still resides inside of me, I’ve grown, I’ve changed, and I seek to be a better human. While I feel an urgency to type everything out as quickly as possible, my body and mind won’t allow that to happen. A good friend reminded me that “the timeline is my own.” I’m holding on to those words with a tight grip. This is my story and I can do it in a manner that I feel good with. A manner that allows me time to find healing as I pore over the pieces/parts of my life that I’ve tried so hard to wish away. I’ve tried to set the stage so that people reading it will understand how I got to be in such a compromising position. If I didn’t try to explain that, I could see people reading the horrible parts and wondering how I could be that way, or how could I get involved with people like this? It was a slow and methodical approach, taken by someone who was just really good at their craft. You’ll also start to understand that being in a home that left me open and vulnerable played a part in it. If you’ve kept up with my blogs, then what I’m saying here came through in many of my recent blog postings. “What would you do to survive?” I blogged about that and asked others to look inside themselves and ask that very question.

My plan with this memoir is to lay out how I got into the position of working for an underworld person, then as I go, give reflection on each of the events as I spell them out with the clarity that I have today. The later part of the book will be focused on life after getting free of this ugly phase. The damage that it caused that was long lasting, the struggle to find myself and a reason to keep moving forward. Through all of this, I just can’t say enough times that I’m so happy that I’ve made it this far. How I’m happy to finally be able to speak to people openly and not have to worry about my past creeping up and pulling me under. “Silence and Secrets” was another blog post that comes to mind. I lived that for so much of my life. Always wondering if I’d take everything to the grave with me. The fear I had of speaking things out loud for fear of reprisal, fear of harm, and fear of losing those that I love.

I’ve asked my sister Patti to do artwork for the cover of this book. We’ve started a dialogue on what we think would best fit. I recently thought of Dante’s Inferno and the 9 levels of hell. Some of the images that I surfed through struck me. So powerful and so relatable. Climbing out of hell, or all the different levels of hell were something that I understood. I’ll keep you updated on this as we progress. My sister has serious skills and I know that whatever she comes up with will be amazing. (No pressure Patti)

My internal goal is to get this book completed before year’s end. Expect more blogging as well because this is a good dumping ground for all of my stirred up feelings. Consider yourselves warned…lol! I want to thank the following for getting me through this past week:

My sister Leanna – for all the mental support

My sister Patti – for having vision and talent with art…I look forward to the book cover art

My wife Karla – for being a great editor…even when she didn’t want to be.

My friend – Amy DeVincent for keeping me centered.

I’ll continue to thank all of you that keep reading and following my journey. The idea that there are people out there that care enough to read the stories of this mixed up human amaze me daily. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Until we meet again…

~Robert~

Music Activates The Soul

February 19, 2025February 19, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I had to step away from writing the book and switch to something that would ground me again. A feel good of sorts, so I’m back on my blog doing what I do. Music, sweet music! The entire time that I’m writing, be it on here doing my blogging, or writing pages in the book, music is a must in the background. I’ve even made reference in the book to how I learned to slip away in my music at times when I was feeling trapped or alone. Being that there was so much that I had to carry silently, it was a great escape for me. Soothing voices, happy tunes, or just grinding riffs from heavy metal music, they were all a huge part of my life. I think that I had a closer relationship with music than I did with any human for a good portion of my life.

I’m certain that if I asked any of you right now to tell me some of your favorite songs, you could then equate them to a moment in time that was relevant in your life. Music and lyrics are so powerful! It has always made me wonder if I was in sync with some of these bands, or singers through different stages of my life. When so many other things weren’t making sense, music always did. When you needed something to pick you up, music was there. If you needed to rage with anger, yeah, music was there for that as well. There is music for every single human emotion, and I’m here for it!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

This particular section of the book that I was just working on went through a time when I’d realized just how screwed I was. How trapped, unable to tell anyone anything. It was that first night that I went home and lost myself in music. It changed the relationship that I had with music forever. I would now look to music to pull me through so many dark times. Does it sound extreme? Perhaps, but for those that have gone through shit in their life, I’m thinking they can relate, and I can’t be the only one on the planet that has delved deep into music to either find yourself, or lose yourself. The power of music can take you anywhere you want to be transported.

Certain songs can immediately give me the exact feelings of whatever was happening when I was first listening to it. There is music that both of my parents listened to that I truly enjoyed. I still listen to some of the music that they played either in their vehicles or around the house. My mother’s tastes were surprising at times and I loved to play some of the latest songs by artists that she enjoyed. Music is a good way to connect to others. I formed an excellent relationship with my son because of our love for music. We still discuss or shoot different songs back and forth that are on our play lists or something that just came out. Same with my sisters. I was having a discussion today with Leanna about the band Alice In Chains. I discussed the sad history of the lead singer and how he’d lost his life to drugs. Yet the band has survived all of it and went on with another singer to sound amazingly the same. Makes me wonder where they could have gone had drugs not wrecked his life. Same thing goes for so many singers that I enjoy. It may shock some of you but I’ve been a George Michael fan for many years. His lyrics are much deeper than most would know. His pop days with Wham were hit and miss, but as he aged, the lyrics spoke to me in numerous songs. The hidden gem of a CD by him is called “OLDER.” Listen to the song “Strangest Thing” and give me your thoughts. It has a haunting melody to it and the lyrics are heavy. His entire album “Listen without Prejudice” is also a work of art. He was a tortured soul throughout his adult life, and it spilled over into his music.

I’ve made references to the band 10 years on here before. There are several songs that they wrote that just reached right inside of me. I felt that I was asked to describe my feelings and they were turned into music. Just amazing! The songs “Fix Me” and “Waking up the Ghosts” are spot fucking on! Here’s another one…the band is Papa Roach and the song is “Leave a light on.” That one hits hard. Have you ever had a moment when you listened to a song and found yourself getting emotional? Perhaps tears? Yeah, stop and think about that. Someone writes and then performs a song that touches you with so much power that you begin to lose control. I’m in awe over that kind of talent.

This is why they use so much music in movies. While we can all agree that we have our favorite actors and actresses, then of course there are great scripts or producers, but they’re all enhanced by the sound of music. Musical scores are also one of my favorite things to listen to. The movie “Dances with Wolves” has an amazing soundtrack from start to finish! Here’s a spin on a classic by Led Zeppelin. “The Immigrant Song” was redone by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for the opening of the movie “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.” I could go on and on about music and songs that speak to me. Why not take a moment and just throw a headset on and lose yourself in something that speaks to your soul.

I’ll be hopping on here a little more frequently to take breaks from my book writing. The topics will of course be all over the place, because that’s where I seem to be when I’m writing. At this point though, that’s a good thing. Things are coming out, which is the most important part of the process. Seeing some of it in print is strange. It’s satisfying yet terrifying all at the same time. I have moments where I can almost feel the “characters” again, and that creeps me out. Better days are ahead, I just know it.

Thanks for following along on this journey.

~Robert~

Facing Trauma Through Words: My Memoir Story

February 16, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’m sitting here in my favorite spot, clicking on the keyboard as I always do. Along with typing up this blog entry tonight, I wanted to share that I’ve started writing my Memoir/book. I have a good solid five pages that I knocked out tonight. How this would translate to a book, we shall see, but there’s a lot of substance in this already. I needed to step away because even though everything is just dying to get out of me, I need time, and space when throwing everything out. I want to be careful with myself. The topic is tough and ugly. It makes me feel like I’m still sitting in the bar where this all began. I can almost smell the scent of old beer and cigarettes as I’m writing. Worse are the smells that came with the guy that ran the “business.” The food that he ate on a regular basis was powerful with garlic and onion. Greek food was something that was around me most of the time and while I know many really enjoy it, it does bad things to my head. Triggers, mental warnings of a past that I no longer want to think about.

I like the idea of just being able to roll things out as they happened. That I can be unrestricted in my content, or the manner of which I want to tell the story. It’s important for me to be able to take all of my readers through what really happened. As my counselor, Amy has said on several occasions, “I dance the line” in my blogs. Earlier on, it was more that I was trying to protect myself from the outside world. As time has gone by, there is the concern that my content is too much for what could be allowed by the company that runs this platform. I don’t want to lose my voice on here, so I dial things down, give you a very watered down version, and leave important parts out. In my book, I’m free to speak! It’s important for me to have a voice. I’ve gone too many years feeling like I didn’t have one, or that it didn’t matter. This is freedom, but with my freedom comes some pain. I’ll take that pain if it means that I can purge everything into writing.

I’m also texting my friend Amy while typing this for support. She’s reminding me to breathe and take my time writing the book, that I’m in control of my timeline. I wish so much that I could just plug something into my brain and download everything right onto the screen. I’m grateful that I can type fast, it’s helpful when trying to get things out of my head. I think that revisiting all of these places, people and events will be cleansing overall. While they have a certain amount of sting to them, I know that I can get back on the train and keep moving. I don’t have to stay there forever. No backslides!

I’ve been researching how to go about all of this and obviously I’m going the way of “self-publishing.’ I’m hopeful that I put something together that will intrigue a publisher and it will expand reading, but the main reason for doing this is to just get the story out of me and into print. I know that there are many people that are intrigued by the story and want to read it as it happened. If I have to hustle books on my own to get it into someone’s hands, so be it. I’ve also ventured into the law side of the book. It’s my belief that pretty much anyone that was involved is now gone. I know for sure that my old boss died in federal prison. He had kids though, so I’ll need to walk the line with that a bit. I’m writing it on my own using all the names, including my own right now because it’s easier to get out of me using them, but everything will be changed for the book. I’ll probably list it as a “fictional” Memoir. This will give me a little more breathing room, but we’ll see where things go once I have enough pages together.

Even with writing tonight, I felt the need to jump on here and just unload a little bit. Very wide range of emotions tonight. I’ve felt supercharged at moments and then went to tears. This will be a good process for me. I truly believe that. I already feel like I can be more myself these days. There’s something very empowering about bringing secrets to the surface, facing them, and now sharing them openly. I’ve made a promise to myself to never hold anything down inside of me for the rest of my life. It’s not worth it. I urge anyone out there that has some kind of secret to start writing, even if it just a journal to yourself. Putting it on paper or on a computer makes it real. Then, if, or when you’re ready, have others become witness to your secret. Validation of what happened to any of us is key to finding yourself and recovery. I say this to you now as a very changed man. It felt as though it was a crawl at one point during my counseling, but now it’s like I’m speeding on the interstate.

I want to say that I truly appreciate all of the love and support that I’ve received along the way. Remember that after years of hiding everything and feeling very alone had me believing that I would go through all of my days that way. Even when others were standing by me I was hesitant to accept them as caring. The question, why would always come into my head. Why would someone care about me? I understand now that I’m worth caring about.

“Not All Wounds Are Visible” This is something that is shared in the PTSD community to gain attention for mental health. I believe the stats are something like 1 in 4 people suffer from some kind of mental illness. That’s a staggering stat. While I may suffer from PTSD, and some of the events that I’ve lived through were terrible, I’m still standing. I’m still alive, and as long as that’s happening, I’ll keep sharing everything I can with all of you! I’m leaving you with this part about PTSD because I want to continue to raise the awareness that it deserves. If you see someone struggling, try to assist. If nothing else, validate that they matter in this world, if only for a few moments.

Thank you so much for sharing my journey.

~Robert~

Awakening from Human Trafficking: My Journey to Survival

February 6, 2025February 6, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Recently at my job I had to do my yearly training for “signs of human trafficking.” I’ve been doing this annually for quite some time now, but for some reason this time it really hit home. When I think of human trafficking, I think of others, people in the outside world. Whether it’s sex trafficking, forced labor, or some other kind of abuse, it’s always been on the outside. When reading through our material and listening to the videos, something caught my attention and I found myself turning my training inward. I had a breakthrough at that moment.

My life as an underground person has always been something that I was never proud of. I looked at myself as a poor, somewhat rough kid that just happened to grow up on the wrong side of the tracks. I fell in with a man that stated he saw something in me that could enhance my life, make things “better.” Everything started out simple enough. Watching people was easy and getting paid to do so was even better. There were “lessons” that gradually progressed, both in what was expected of me and the severity that came with failure. I learned to fear this man, and knew what he was capable of. The benefits of being around him were money and a certain amount of power. I wouldn’t realize until later that my powers were very limited and almost any request that I would make came at a cost. Nothing is free in this world. The subtle way that all of this started was by design. Treat you good, pay you well, smile a lot and gain your trust. I trusted him after being around him at first. He was also a friend of my father, so I felt a connection was in place there. What I realized later, is that I’d fallen into a trap for which there usually is no way out. I became part of very structured organization that believed in nothing more than making fast money, and lots of it. I see now that I was part of human trafficking. Webster’s definition of human trafficking is this. (The unlawful act of transporting or coercing people in order to benefit from their work or service, typically in the form of forced labor or sexual exploitation.) I fit right into the very definition! He gained financial benefits by coercing me to work, in very grave conditions. Putting my life and the life of my family and friends in the cross hairs. It’s like I’d read this for the very first time during my training at work. I’d had an awakening.

I sat at my desk looking at these words over and over again. It brought about a flurry of emotions. It was almost dizzying how fast things were coming at me. I started thinking of the different things that had been done to me. Places that I was made to go. People that I had to interact with that made my stomach turn. The constant fear that never seemed to leave me. All the nightmares that had kept me from beautiful sleep, and worst of all, a huge part of my adolescence had been stolen from me. I’d been betrayed, broken and left in a void at the end…wondering if I’d stay alive at all. This opened up Pandora’s box. Everything that happened over those years of “service” and all of the damage that had been caused by it. So many things were broken that wouldn’t come to the surface until way later in my life. The relationships that I was unable to form. The people that I could never tell my secrets to. My family that had to watch me struggle in silence for so long. So much…just so much to process.

I reached out to my counselor and told her that I had what I felt was an “awakening.” This felt like the biggest breakthrough in the many years that I’ve been in counseling. I felt like my counselor (Amy) had been trying to lead me to this all along. She mentioned things like “what would’ve happened if you’d stayed in the game?” “Where do you think it would’ve progressed to?” She mentioned human trafficking. My immediate thought was, at that time, trafficking of others. It never dawned on me that I was the one that was already being used. She replied back to my text about the awakening, “yes, awakening! Glad you can see that connection of threat and intimidation!” She understood me. It’s as though she’d been waiting at the train station the entire time for me to arrive. Her reply made me smile. This amazing person cares about me and what I’ve been through. I want to take this moment to share something she wrote to me after my last blog. I’ve asked her permission, and she’s granted it.

For Robert

Someday you will forgive yourself. For what you did, for who you were, for pain you caused.

Someday, you will allow your guilt to befriend your shame and awaken the fear of death and darkness.

For those you couldn’t protect. And then one day, Like the tulips in the Spring Who hid underground. Like the monsters, will suddenly emerge older, wiser, more confident Transformed.

And wisdom will spill from the moon and unite with the energy of the sun. Just like light and dark needs to be-

Exposed, Vulnerable, Beautiful, Healthy versions of male and female. Listen again…Healthy versions of male and female. Live life full of love Forgiveness, Redemption, Renewal. Now it’s time to walk the streets with peace and be open to the male and female gentle loving inspiration. ~Amy C.

From the first moment that I started to read this I could feel my eyes start to fill up. All of the things that I’ve carried, for so many years. All the crushing weight of shame, sorrow, and guilt have started to lift. I did not ask for the things that happened to me and I’m no longer a victim of these crimes. I’m a survivor!

For those that I couldn’t ever tell, I hope that you’ll understand. Those that are part of my life now, I’m finding my way, and I now feel hope. I will continue to write about all of this, as it’s a journey that’s taken so much, but a journey that I feel will have an ending of my own choice. One that has peace.

January was National Human Trafficking Awareness month. I’d like to remind everyone that there are others still out there suffering at the hands of those that would profit from the very destruction of a human life. Please be mindful of your surroundings, and look out for those that might need your help. As a Survivor of Trafficking, I can tell you that your help and understanding can make all the difference.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Why I Prefer Female Friends: An Exploration

January 31, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I recently did a blog about understanding the true depths of friendship. I wanted to carry that forward and explain some more of my feelings about friendship and the people that I choose to spend my time with. In case you hadn’t noticed when reading the last blog, I tend to lean in the direction of being around females. There are numerous reasons for this, but to cut to the chase, the main reason that I do this is because I don’t trust men. While I know that I’m “generalizing” when I make that statement, I have deep seeded reasons for leaning away from the males.

I attempted to write about this before, but for some reason WordPress’s AI assistant didn’t feel that what I was writing would pass their policies. I was somehow being offensive. I read through what I wrote several times but could not figure out what was bothersome. This just makes me want to write my book that much stronger! I don’t want to be censored in what, or how I say things. I want to be able to tell you what really happened and how I got to be the broken human that I am. There are things like mental torture, cruelty, intimidation, and on a few occasions physical abuse. None of these are pretty, and have taken much time to go back through them. I’ve spent years pouring out whatever I was able to in order to find a safe harbor. I can’t help that what I’ve been through doesn’t fit into a nice, clean and neat package with only kind words. The underworld is ugly. Things that go on out there are stomach turning to say the least. Being in close proximity with males at this time gave me a view of what life can be, and how females suffer greatly at the hands of such men. Children have no place in this kind of environment, nor should they witness abuse on all levels.

Photo by Liudmyla Shalimova on Pexels.com

My Father was a decent man. He had good intentions with much of what he was doing in his life. He spoke kindly to most folks and did his best to make sure that we had enough to get by. It didn’t always work out that way and we struggled. Food was scarce, attention was strained, and we kids began to find ways to survive. Throughout my Father’s life he ran with numerous sketchy people. I didn’t think much of it when I was much smaller, but as I aged, I began to question the likes of many of them. My counselor had asked me at one point if I thought that my Father was involved with some of these underworld people. Oddly enough, I’d never entertained the idea, but the more that I thought about it and the more I thought about all the many characters that I’d spent time with when around my Father made me think…there might be something to that.

The time in my life when I was starting to see many of these people come around was when my Father owned his own body shop. He was an excellent mechanic and an amazingly talented painter. He built numerous vehicles from what seemed to be just a pile of junk. Such talent. The world of cars brings about some interesting people. The “average Joe”, as well as others that were looking for something. The man that would end up taking me under his tutelage was a “friend” of my Fathers. He came around the shop on a regular basis and always had an interesting story to tell. He’d come there at times with his brother, that I would later learn was the “enforcer” of his operation. I’m not sure how I fell into the trap other than the idea of making easy money at a time when money was getting scarce and food was running low. This man offered a better life for me, I just needed to learn a few things. This started out pretty easy, but quickly progressed into an ugliness that would make me hate every male that I’d come in contact with. I was so angry as time went that if I was called upon to harm someone, as long as it was a male, I was all for it. Anger and hatred built up inside of me as the years went on. I’ve said before that when you run in a world like this, there are no friends…especially with men.

Photo by u00d6mer Faruk Yu0131ldu0131z on Pexels.com

There were others that came around the shop that left me confused. We also ventured out to get parts from places and I’d be introduced to all the guys that ran these places. There was one in particular that sticks in my brain to this day. He ran a large auto parts junk yard. He’d been sent to jail years earlier, but whatever he was caught up in managed to keep his mouth shut while in prison. When he got out, he was rewarded with a rather large payday for his obedience. We’d go there to see about some parts and I’d end up wandering around looking through all of the wrecked vehicles piled everywhere to see if I could find hidden treasures. I’d always come out of there with a pocket full of change. We also went to visit another “friend” of his that ran several mini markets, among other things. His name was Charlie and he was actually a loan shark and bookie. Being around all of these dark and scary people was a lot to process. Then there were the cops. Like most kids, I was raised to believe that a police officer is someone that I should go to and trust. I learned that they are just humans like all of us. They don’t wear capes, there’s no giant “S” (Superman) on their front. They’re flawed and many are just as dirty and ugly as the men that were doing all the worst things.

If you stop to think about that as a child, or even now as an adult, it makes you feel kind of isolated. If something goes wrong, or you need help, who do you turn to? When you see something horrible can you trust the person wearing the badge anymore than the person committing the crimes? That’s what I was faced with as a young teen. Good and bad blended together into an ugly shade of gray. When you see the people that you know are friends with your father showing up at the bar that you’re stationed at, shaking hands and receiving “things” from the man that is teaching you how to skirt the law, it makes you throw all trust out the window. All of my thoughts, all of my feelings had to be kept inside. To share anything would certainly bring my young life to an end. This…is one of the main reasons that I struggle to this very day to maintain a friendship with a male.

The other part of this is that I was raised in a home with all sisters, three to be exact. I’d already been privy to how woman were treated more as a commodity than a human. So, I think it’s safe to say that I was slightly over protective of my own flesh and blood. To sit and witness different men come into each of my sister’s world that were so unworthy of their space and air was painful. I found ways to get even with as many as I could using my own resources. I’d casually stated to a few of them that I’d happily make them disappear if any harm came to my sister. This mindset is something that has also stayed with me throughout my life. I remain a vigilante of sorts for the rights and protection of women. I can’t stand by idle and watch, or be a part of any kind of impropriety that brings harm to a woman. Some of the ugliest fights or beating that I’ve taken have been from getting involved in a domestic violence situation. The worst was when I was trying to “save” a young lady outside of a bar that was being punched by her boyfriend. I started fighting with him and the next thing I know, she was on my back punching my head. Yep, that happened. It hasn’t changed my view of women, and I’d still stand up to anyone that attempts to harm a female in my presence. Character matters in my worlds.

I’ve had run ins with women over the years and two failed marriages to women that I knew who and what they were, I just felt that I could “save” them. Perhaps provide the normalcy that they desired in their world. Protection, love and happiness. It didn’t work out that way, but I’ve learned more life lessons in the process. I still trust females much more. Throughout my life they’ve always engaged in much better conversation. They nurture the relationship in a fashion that only a female can do. There have been so many that I’ve had the pleasure of sharing time, stories and friendship with over the years. I still, as you all know have numerous females in my orbit that are special to me. I think with coming through all of my darkness has also helped me to allow these friendships to happen, and with less of the feelings like “what are they looking for.” I continue to say that I’m a work in progress and it’s so very true. I do have a few male friends now, they unfortunately have/had a harder road to being around me. My wall stands tall when it comes to males, that’s still the case. I was asked the other day “what caused my PTSD?” I just said simply “I’ve seen too much.”

I want to say thanks to all of you that have had such open and interesting discussions about the topic of friendship. I’d like to take a moment to give a shout out to the females that surround me in my life now. This includes my sisters, because without them, I’d have no identity. Leanna knows (The Gray Man) I’ll keep writing and yes, the idea of a book is definitely on my horizon. I want to sit and tell you all everything, from start to finish. All the details, all the run ins, all the tears and loneliness. But more than anything, tell you how I found my way out and survived. Some stories just need to be written.

I’ve attached the lyrics of a song that really hits home with me. It’s called “waking up the ghosts” by the band 10 years. Listen and you’ll understand me just that much more.

Thank you so much for following along.

~Robert~

No one knows
The secrets that I keep
No one knows
What’s in my head
I can’t control
The other side of me
I have lost my breath
Breaking
The pulse of a steady beat
Pleading for sanity
The voices calling out my name
Now I’m afraid
That I am waking up the ghost
Not digging up the memories
That were dead to me
Now, now I’m getting close
Closer to the enemy
That’s inside of me
Under the skin
The soul of the guilty
Under the surface
Lonely lies
Under the weight
The sin is
Eating me alive
No mercy
No forgiveness
Condemn to my own hell
The voices calling out my name
Now I’m afraid
That I am waking up the ghost
Not taking out the memories
That were dead to me
Now, now I’m getting close
Closer to the enemy that’s inside of me
I am waking up the ghost
And digging up the memories
That were dead to me
I am waking up the ghost
And digging up the memories
That were dead to me
Now, Now I’m getting close
Closer to the enemy
That’s inside of me

Understanding the Depth of True Friendship

January 20, 2025 / Zombie / 1 Comment

I recently had a request to discuss friendship. (Thanks Sherie) It’s been a couple of weeks since the request and I think that I’m ready to do a deep dive into it. Friendship is something that I take pretty seriously. Even at a young age I was critical about my choices of who I wanted to spend my time with. There were always a few out lying “hanger-ons” that were in with the same group I spent time with, but that didn’t mean that we were “friends.” Although I enjoyed the group that I ran around with in High School, the bonds were not such that I maintained a relationship as life progressed. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t like them, it just means that our time was done.

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“Friend” is someone you have a deep, personal connection with, sharing trust, loyalty, and significant life experiences with. An “Acquaintance” is someone you know casually, with limited interaction and a more superficial relationship, often only sharing basic information about one’s self. I believe this is the best description of the two that I could find. As I stated in my one of my previous blog entries, I have my own way of assessing people that are around me. Once I have an idea of who and what they are, I may allow them to gain closer access to me. I think we can all agree that I’m this way for very obvious reasons. If you follow my blogs, then you totally understand why I’m so guarded. I’ve had discussions with people over the years about the difference in friendship and acquaintances, and it has brought about some interesting conversations, some of which were slightly heated. I’ve been accused of not “valuing” people. I’ve also been told that “I’m nothing special, so why do I act like I’m all that?” That comment makes me snicker when I think about it now. No, I’m nothing special, but I do have barriers set up to keep people that make comments like that very far away from me. As for valuing people, I actually do. So much so that once I’ve made a solid connection with a person, I’m fiercely loyal and protective of them. Just because I don’t feel the need to have a few dozen people around as “friends” doesn’t mean that I’m lacking.

I have some true friends that have stood the test of time. There are some, that for whatever reason, we maintain a close connection even though we may not speak for months at a time. There are also some that are thousands of miles away that have been around since my childhood, know much of my life and still keep in touch regularly. I have my sisters, while considered siblings, are very much best friends to me as well. They love and support me at every turn, and I do the same for them. My wife, Karla is still my best friend. While she may not always understand me, she allows me to be myself. There are times when I feel like we’re worlds apart and that she’ll never understand me, but we always seem to find a bridge that connects our worlds. I hope that that never stops. Extended family. When I married Karla, I got a whole new fresh set of people in my life. I’ve found them to be genuine, caring, and thoughtful people. Not something that I was used to growing up. There were a few, but the qualities that these people have makes you want to be around them. Shout out to my “friend” in the family Cristi. Cristi is my sister-in-law and has the kind of vibe that makes people gravitate towards her. She’s “real” and you can feel it. She listens to me and gives great feedback on my blog postings…lol! Her daughters, Kate and Chloe are the kind of humans that give me hope for the world. I’m honored to have these people in my life. See, I really do value people!

There are people at work that I enjoy having conversations with. We share much of our lives and explore all of the frustrations that come from our work place. There’s a certain level of trust that comes into play in these types of environments. In so many work places there are people that are always looking to get a leg up and at any cost. Again, most are pretty easy to spot and keep in check. This is one of the areas that makes me grateful for the past that I’ve lived. I’m accustomed to watching and assessing people, and I do just that in my own work place. The body armor is always in place and I’m forever watching. While I treasure relationships that I’ve had in work places in the past, no one has stood the test of time. Once I’ve left the place of employment, the people that were a part of it become a distant memory. Remember the poem “Reason, Season, and Lifetime.” They were all part of a reason, or season, the lifetime are the ones that I spoke of above. There’s always the possibility that someone could end up in the lifetime from a work place. There is currently a single person that has stayed as a close friend from my current employer. Although she’s moved on to another job, we still have that friendship that can pick up right where it left off. She too reads this blog and we’ve shared some amazing discussions. You know who you are…lol!

How do you assess people that are in your orbit? What is the criteria that allows someone to find their way into the “circle of trust?” I do have the ability to gain new “friends.” I recently became good friends with my former yoga instructor. Who would’ve thought…right? She too has that “it” about her. When she speaks, you want to listen. For me, that’s huge. I’ve never felt threatened in any fashion by her and we both have developed a level of trust that makes it easy to discuss anything. What is it that you seek in a friend? Do you have the same types of walls that I’ve put up over time that keep so many from ever getting close to you? I’ll be honest, had it not been for my amazing counselor, I don’t think that I would’ve been able to forge new relationships at this stage of my life. There are so many that I feel nothing towards and can barely remember their name. I know, that sounds horrible, but it’s honest. The life that I’ve lived has made me what I am, like me or cast me aside.

Focus on this topic and have discussions with those around you. Share life events, or feelings with those you trust. Work on building strong bonds with the ones that you feel are worth the time. There are still good people out there. Take it from someone that had always believed that most people are shit. If I can find a way to form friendships, I know that you can to. The payoff vs risk is worth it, in the eyes of Zombie.

I’ve added the poem Reasons, Seasons and Lifetime below if you missed it before.

Thanks for following along,

~Robert~

People come into your life for a reason,
A season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will
Know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a
REASON, it is usually to meet a
Need you have expressed. They have come to
assist you through a difficulty, to provide
you with guidance and support, to aid you
physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to
be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your
part or at and inconvenient time, this person
will say or do something to bring the
relationship to an end. Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they
act up and force you to take a stand. What
we must realize is that our need has been
met, our desire fulfilled, their wake is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered
and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a
SEASON, because your turn has come to
share, grow or learn. They bring you an
experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never
done. They usually give you an unbelievable
amount of joy. Believe it, it is real.
But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and
put what you have learned to use in all other
relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is
blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Do We Ever Really Know Someone?

January 10, 2025January 12, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Once again this came about through numerous discussions. Do we ever really know someone? It’s an honest question that deserves to be looked into. I’ll share my feelings and then just leave the rest up to all of you to ponder. My take may be a touch different because of my background, but I’m sure there will be some similarities. Along with my thoughts of life and death, came the ever nagging question that I’ve posed as the title of this blog, Do we ever really know someone?

I’ll take a quick trip into the past to give perspective on why I feel the way that I do, or at least why I feel like I do at times. When you’re in the darker side of life and doing things that run well below law abiding, you need to be, or present yourself in a certain manner. The reason is simple, you want to stay alive. I’ve shared before that I was trained to be an observer of other humans. I was also taught to show nothing about myself. What I would show others, was only what I wanted them to see. I was able to roll through my entire high school life without a single soul knowing anything about me. Stop and think about that for a minute. Put yourself back in Junior high or High school and think about how people were. How social, how tight different “cliques” were. All the things that kids are supposed to do at that age. Now imagine being part of something so awful that if you so much as whisper a word of it, you could die. That’s what I carried back in those days. I had to put myself out there as a quiet, shy, ordinary kid. I find humor at some of the things that people wrote in my yearbook. They really had no idea, because I didn’t let them know.

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We all have it in us to be less than truthful. We use our skills acquired in life to hide, or perhaps shield others from truths. In my case, I didn’t want to be truthful because there could be harm brought to anyone who might know my position. “Loose lips sink ships.” Loose lips also get people killed. I became a nonentity. Funny how even now at work I always tell people around me that I’m “nobody.” There’s truth to that statement even though I’m smiling when I say it. I learned to fade into the backdrop, to not be seen, to blend in. If I felt that someone was getting too close, or had a feeling that they might suspect something, I quickly got into the wind. Deception is something that is used, especially in the surroundings that I found myself in. These blogs are probably the most honest things that have ever come out of my body. There’s healing for me in writing all of this. You’re getting to know Zombie a.k.a. Robert. In some cases, for the very first time.

So, do you feel that you really know a person? Are you close with your family members? Perhaps you have a best friend that you tell all your secrets to. Do you feel that you really know one another? I’m not trying to make everyone paranoid, it’s just something that has come to pass in my journey in this world. I think deeply at times and this is a topic that intrigues me. Why do we not want others to know everything about us? My counselor Amy knows the most and we still work towards a full disclosure. I know that with more time and work, writing, I’ll be able to spill all that needs to be spilled. As I age, I process things differently, so there’s hope that I can see things through a fresh lens.

How about this. I’ve always said that when you meet someone, whether it’s social, work related, or a dating prospect. The person that you meet at the beginning is the “representative.” They’re most likely showing you the very best that they feel they can be. It’s a show of sorts, acting. I like to wait and see what they do when no one is looking. How they interact with others, especially when they’re comfortable. Listen intently when people talk. You’ll hear much of who they are in conversations, especially as time goes by. How they view the world and others is important. Let’s not forget animals! If someone hates dogs and cats you need to run, not walk away from them…lol!

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Being a voyeur who was trained to pay attention to subtle details of other humans has gifted me the ability to spot frauds. In some cases I spot them and just allow them to be in my general area. It’s more of a “I want to see how far they’ll take things” action. There are some who, when I spot them, I call out right to their face. It’s a dangerous practice, and can lead to altercations, so I’m mindful about doing this at this point in my life. There are people who I feel have genuine goodness about them, and I want them in my “orbit.” Time is the key to all of this.

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You see, humans are so very fascinating. The way in which we socialize and maneuver through the world captures my attention all the time. I feel that it’s only fair that if I’m constantly assessing people around me, that I should be more open about myself, and here we are! This is what I’ve learned over the past few years with my counselor. I must embrace the darkness that has served me in my life. I am learning to accept some of my “abilities” that I’ve acquired as a part of me, rather than trying to distance myself from them, or erase my past. I’m also learning to show other humans who and what I really am. I know that not everyone will understand, or perhaps not want to be around me, and that’s o.k. While I do this, I try to bring attention to all the things that make me who I am. How I question everything and why I’m always guarded with my feelings. I think in the end, if you ask the question “do we ever really know someone?” If it comes to me, I’d like the answer to be, Yes.

Thank you for following along on my journey…

~Robert~

Embracing Life: Finding Joy Amidst Mortality

January 3, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Big topic today. This has been rolling around in my head a bunch. I wasn’t really sure how I wanted to approach it because I have views that not everyone will be comfortable with. The topic is death. Well, life and death. The approach that we take to things during our life and what influence it might have is a part of this. The end result is the same for all of us, we will die one day. What happens after that is open to much interpretation. I’ll do my best to get this to all make sense…so, hang on.

We roll through our lives at such a high rate of speed at times that it’s almost overwhelming. I do my best to slow things down and really take in all of the subtleties. That wasn’t always the case. I think we can all agree that when we’re younger, our focus is not so much on how long we’ll live, but how much fun we can cram into the shortest amount of time. The other side of that is that as we age, we find that we appreciate everything much more, including time, and our health. There needs to be a balance there of sorts. We need to stay young in our thinking so that we continue to try to do the things that make us happy. As adults, we tend to get caught up in the whole rat race and fall into ruts. Going through the motions of waking up, working, going to sleep…rinse and repeat. LOL! Now I know that things do go on in between that, but how much? What things are you still trying to do that make you truly happy inside?

I’ve always felt that work is nothing more than a means to an end. It provides me money so that I can pay my bills, eat and survive, so it’s kind of important. There was a point in my life when I was searching for some kind of “career”, and doing what I could to climb the company ladder. I found that it gave me no real satisfaction, in fact, it probably caused even more unwanted stress in my life. Trying to find the “it” that your boss was looking for. Adjusting your life to the ever changing whim of an employer is just exhausting. Do yourself a favor, do the job that is expected of you so that you can collect the check that you need, and nothing more. If you leave, or die tomorrow, the employer won’t give a rat’s rump. You’ll just be replaced by some other soul and the game will continue. I’ve always been willing to do what is required of me and I do it to the best of my abilities each and every day. That should thrill any employer on the planet. I show up, work hard, and I leave. I don’t create drama, I just get things done.

When I was younger, things looked different to me. I wasn’t sure that I’d make it past the age of 30 and that was actually a number a little higher than what I was really thinking. I didn’t enjoy my life that much and was always searching for “something.” Mostly a way out of the life that I’d fallen into. It was during those years that I was focused on surviving, yet had no fear of dying. I mean really, when you reach a certain point, dying is much easier than surviving. It takes a lot of work to survive in this world and you have to be willing to go through the struggles to make it. I had some friends, had a girlfriend or two back then, but nothing substantial. I was going through the motions and surviving. The change was coming though.

Being an adult and finding my way in the world became interesting. My desire to be a better person happened overnight and made a profound change in how I viewed the world. I always hope that others find a similar path, or at least some kind of path to change for the better. Being trapped in darkness is no way to go through this world. Once I’d parted ways with some of the folks from earlier on, I took steps to do things the right way. Once I discovered running, oh man! Everything changed for me. It was like someone had turned on a light! I’m quite certain that I’ve said it enough times to make everyone crazy by now. Running was the one thing that truly saved my life. Does that happen for everyone that takes it up? I don’t know. I do know that I’ve met some interesting people along the way who had stated that running had performed some kind of miracle for them as well. Some walked away from drinking, others quit using recreational drugs. Some had found a way out of an abusive relationship. Running has done many things for many people throughout my life thus far. “Running never takes more than it gives.” For real…

When out running, or walking, I’ve learned to really take things in. As I’ve stated before, I’m very much a voyeur in this world and running opened my eyes to things that were so moving, and profound, it could move you to tears. Sunrises and sunsets are always a favorite. Flocks of birds flying in unison can be remarkable. The sounds of the seasons…be it ever changing, each season has its own sounds and smells that must be taken in. These are the things that remind me of what an amazing planet I live on and how wonderful it is to be alive. I find every mile that I spend out on the road to be beneficial in some manner. I can leave all of my troubles or worries out there, and trade them for something better. It’s a gift to be able to run, or walk for hours. I look forward to every single time I walk out the door. Wondering what life has to show me today.

Now that I’ve thrown all of that out there. There’s a part of me that wonders how much time I have left. Is this mid-life crisis coming on? I’ve just had these feeling that I need to see and do so much, like it’s all coming to an end. I’ve not been diagnosed with some awful disease that’s prompted this, I just suddenly decided that it was time to really focus on all of the small things. Once I started having these feelings, I began reading articles that talked about the end of life. The most talked about thing that people said towards the end was “they wished they had more time.” I don’t even know how much time I have left at this point, but I feel that way already. Knowing that I still have to work to continue to support my existence makes me feel like it’s time wasted. I’ve worked hard on changing my perspective on this and trying to enjoy my job more. Not so much the job, but more the people that work by my side. I’m working harder on forming bonds with them – not something that’s been my strongest attribute. I’ve decided that if I have to be in the place, I need to make it a better place to be in. An extended home if you will. Don’t ever do the math on how much of your life you’ve spent or are spending at work, it’s depressing…lol! Yeah, I did that.

Along with these feelings about my end of life, I wonder what impression I’ve made, if any on others. I keep a pretty small circle around me, so it makes me wonder what, if anything will be remembered about me. When I leave this earth, will anything that I wrote touch someone after I’m gone? Will the conversations that I’ve shared stay in someone’s memory until they to leave this earth? I know it’s heavy stuff, but you really can’t manage how and when things are going to pop into your head. Here’s a hard one to explain. I’ve always felt that we truly walk this earth alone. I think at this point that was brought about by the damage that I suffered earlier in my life. Keeping so much of myself silent and hidden continues to bleed into so much of my thinking. I want to break that feeling and cherish all of the small things. If I’m at work, I want to have good, meaningful conversations with my co-workers. I’d like to perhaps leave my mark on them, so that when they no longer have me around, they’ll speak kindly of me and perhaps share a story of my silliness. I want this with my family as well. We’ve spent so many years fractured, that I want to make the best of whatever’s left. I think I can get there.

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Reason, Season and Lifetime. This is a poem that for many years I had on the front of my refrigerator. It has to do with the different ways that people come in and then go out of your life. It gives perspective, and reassurance that they don’t always leave your life because of something you did. They simply served the purpose that they were meant to. I’ll drop it on here:

I feel that this poem helps me to understand many of the relationships that I’ve had over the years. It also gives me vision for how some of them might end in the future. There are so many things that I still don’t understand. The only thing that I’m sure of at this time is that I want to live the rest of my life to the fullest. The loss of my mother was a changing point in my life as well. She lived with so much regret about her own life that it made me sad for her. My father was much the same. He chose to push away so many who were close to him that when he became immobile, he was bitter at the world, and felt that no one was left to care about him. Watching them in their final stages of life gave me pause. I needed to change directions so that I wouldn’t have the same fate or feelings. Death will certainly find us all, but we can do our best to dance and sing until it arrives. Be joyful in our own skin, and walk each day as though it really matters…because it does.

In closing I’ll just say this. Nothing is more important than your happiness. Find what it is that truly makes you happy and go do it. Talk, laugh and sing with those that you surround yourself with as often as you can. If you must sit at work, than do everything you can to make it more enjoyable for yourself. It might even carry over into others. Who knew that work could be a fun place to be? When death comes for me, I want to smile at it, and say it’s alright now, I’ve done everything that I came here to do.

I’ll see you on the other side…

~Robert~

My Path to Healing

December 15, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

This has been a busy week on the counseling front. I managed to get in two sessions within a couple of days, which was very helpful. I said some of the worst things, out loud, and in front of someone else. I have a witness of sorts to some, but not all of what I’ve gone through. Conversations that I had that torment me to this very day. Threats, manipulation and grooming were items covered. I had to look within myself, honestly and speak truth. I sat before someone that I’ve grown to trust more than just about anyone in my life and emptied my soul. She (Amy my counselor) has listened without judgment for years. She’s seen me regress at times, shift back to a child at moments, and has guided me through so many dark alleys. She has never wavered in her support, and has always believed that I’d be whole again, safe from everything. Her words have stayed with me when I’ve felt myself slide backwards. It’s been there when I stopped believing in myself. It’s been there to teach me to that what I really am through all of this…Is a survivor.

The emotional toll that trauma can have on the body and mind can be tremendous. There have been times that I’ve left her place and struggled to even drive myself home. On numerous occasions, I’d leave there and go to Meijer and just walk around. I’m not sure why, but there’s something about just doing an “ordinary” thing after such discussions that grounds you. It brings you back to the present. It’s become kind of a joke when I say that I’m doing my post therapy walkabout at Meijer. Some sessions can be so intense that I just really need to shut down and breathe. When I talk about going to therapy/counseling with others, I like to say that I feel everyone could benefit from time speaking with a trained professional. It’s true. We all have secrets that we hide. Secrets that are possibly causing further damage as we age. Secrets that need to reach the surface, be looked at safely, then put away in a manner that will serve our mental health in a positive fashion. In some cases, secrets that just need to be shared so that an objective person can explain clearly to you that it was not your fault. Free you of the burden of having to carry such things around for the rest of your life.

I’ve learned much sharing space with Amy. I’ve learned to pay attention to my body when I’ve been triggered. To pay attention to my breathing and try to be present with it. I need to be kinder to myself and above all, forgive myself. One of the things that I’ve learned of late is that my darkness, along with abilities that I’ve gained through life events have served me well. They’ve kept me alive when there’s no reason that I should still be walking. They’ve given me the gift of sight…the ability to see things that most would never pay attention too, both good and bad. Almost like an intensified vision. I believe that I’ve referred to this before as being a witness to events in the world. I’m seeing things because they need to be seen, or witnessed. Rather than always looking at myself as bad, or evil, I just look at all of it as just a part of me. The two wolves become one.

I don’t know where the rest of my life will take me, I can’t see that good. I know that there are still things that could be discussed, but for now, I’m going to just be. I know that Amy is just a phone call away, and for that, I’m grateful. I don’t want to fully rely on her, but rather accept the tools that she’s gifted me with. The idea behind sitting with her has always been to walk on my own again. I don’t fear falling down as much as I used to now. I also know that if I do fall, I can get back up and will be alright because I choose to. Life is full of choices, Lord knows that I’ve made some interesting ones during my younger years. Through all of it I’ve remained driven to be something more. To be better…always. Even during the darkest of times, I was driven to find a way through, then out! It’s no different now. I make choices each day to continue.

Photo by Natasha Fernandez on Pexels.com

I always copy Amy in on everything that I write. I’m guessing like many of you, she’s fallen behind. Sorry folks, I have so much still to write about. I think I needed to take this time to say Thank you to her and have all of you as a witness to that. She’s a humble and gracious person and I’m sure doesn’t expect anything like this. There have been a couple big moments in my life that were life altering. Two of the biggest were this. The day that I went to Pearson park to walk and decided to start running. I’d gone there originally with all kinds of wild ideas in my head. I wasn’t sure if I could see a path forward at that time and the next thing you know, running found me. I’ve had a wonderful relationship with running ever since that day. The second was meeting my counselor, Amy. She saw something in me that I couldn’t, or wouldn’t see in myself. She guided me down roads that I didn’t want to travel, only to come out on the other side a better person. She’s sat with me while I cried, both tears of pain and joy, and listened to everything. It’s these moments, people, events that have made me see that I have value. I don’t think that I’ll ever be alone again.

Until we meet again…

~Robert~

The pursuit of peaceful sleep

December 11, 2024December 11, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’ve been referencing sleep, dreaming, nightmares and the eyes in quite a few of my blogs of late. Sleep has been a distant memory for me. I honestly can’t recall when I slept soundly, or without some kind of nightmare shaking me awake. I’ve learned over time to adapt to my situation by just simply learning to fall asleep whenever I have the spare time. I guess that I don’t feel there are really any rules when it comes to sleep. We believe that our bodies should lay down when darkness takes over the sky. In a perfect world under ideal circumstances that might be the case. For many of us “night crawlers”, it’s a different way of life. Darkness might mean we become recharged, or perhaps some even anxious. There are so many reasons for sleep issues, so I thought I’d take this time to talk about it.

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I do have a few memories of being very young, and resting peacefully on the floor in our living room with my blanket covering the heat vent. The warmth that it provided was so comforting. It didn’t matter if I had a pillow or even cushions to rest my body on, I was comfortable, and sleep came easy. I’d do a similar thing in the summer months by taking a sheet, placing books on all corners of the sheet, and then on top of the fan and turned on the fan. It became the most beautiful dome of cool air. I’d climb inside with my head towards the fan and just drift away with the sounds of the fan and the cool breeze blowing against me. Each of these things were as though I’d built my own nest. A safe place to rest, with no worries and plenty of comfort. I think back on those moments now and realize how gentle I was, how carefree. Only beginning on my journey through life.

Fast forward some years and sleep became harder to find. Discomfort caused by insecurities. Worry and wonder as to where life was leading. It was no longer a thing to climb under my blanket and leave the world behind. The world had come for me and I was just learning how to deal with it. People and places were now changing the landscape of my childhood. Darkness was no longer just about the evening hours, but part of everyday life. It was during this time that I started to find ways to sleep wherever and whenever I could. I had to make sure that I was safe, and that was critical to being able to shut down. Think of watching an old Western movie where you have a cowboy out in the middle of nowhere laying with their head tilted on a log, perhaps by a fire. That’s kind of how I felt. You always had to have one eye ready, watching, able to react to the slightest movement or sound. The wolves were out and prowling all of the time, so you had to be ready. It’s at this point that sleep would become a very distant friend to me. One that would be greatly missed for many years to come.

I still have the habit of dozing off wherever I can. When sleep is not a guarantee, you have to maintain your body in some fashion. The best way to do that is to allow it to rest when a moment presents itself to you. There are no rules to any part of this game called life, and that includes with sleep. When I know that most of my sleep during the evening will be broken up by reoccurring dreams, or some other type of night terror, I do my best to find those moments. The moments when you can just shut down, even if it’s only for 5 or 10 minutes. During the Covid years I brought that back into full swing due to the unbelievable amount of stress and concern that the entire world was feeling. I’d go out and walk alone or with my wife and return home where I’d set out a blanket and pillow on the living room floor and just nap. Extra rest was needed during that time and since I was already in a deficit on most days, this was the best thing for me. If someone says that they can’t take a nap because then they won’t sleep at night, I always chuckle. There they are, trying to follow the invisible rule of sleeping at night. Yes, it’s better for the body if you follow that clock, but when other issues stand in the way, you do what you have to do to survive.

There are a few times that I’ve found myself able to sleep somewhat better. I tend to sleep better when we visit the Smoky Mountains. I’m not sure what it is…I guess it’s true that there’s some kind of magic in them hills. I feel more at peace there than just about anywhere I’ve ever traveled to. Knowing that my mother resides in the mountains is an extra added bonus. She can keep watch over me and make sure that I’m safe. I think that’s something that every person wants, or wishes for regardless of their age. Even with the turbulent relationship that I had with my mother at times, she was still my mother, and mothers mean safety. “Mother is the name of god on the lips and hearts of little children.”

― The Crow

One of the tattoos on my body is an eye on my right arm. The reason for this eye – it’s the ever watchful protector on my skin to keep me safe from harm. While I “shut down”, the eye takes over and keeps watch so that I can’t be harmed. May seem silly to some, but to me, it’s real. I’m finding now that as more of the ink penetrates my skin, I’m more shielded from those who would harm me. I have no explanation at least one that would make sense to most people, it’s just how I feel. I suppose we could look back to that child and the blanket, or with the sheet over the fan. There was something protective about that as well. A cocoon where slumber came easy and worries were set free.

The more that I write, I’m finding that parts of my anxiety about my life are softening. I want so much to shed all that I carry with me. I was talking about it today with my sister Leanna. While I felt stressed trying to explain events in my life that even she wasn’t aware of, I needed to try. I have to push everything to the surface so that the light can take it. With each word that I attempted, I became constricted in my throat. It was as though a part of me was saying “NO, you can’t tell this…it’s too much!” The many secrets leave me feeling so alone. While the fear of physical harm has faded, there’s a different concern that’s filled its void. How will I be looked at by those who surround me? Those who matter the most to me. I’ve shared so much with my wife and yet there are still things to get out. I feel so close… so close to freedom. I’ve thought that if I reach that point, I’ll probably drop and sleep for days on end. That child from so many years ago is standing there waiting for me. I can see myself, so small, so bright eyed and full of hope. So rested and carefree. Asking the adult me “when can we sleep?” I’m almost there, I just have this last bit to get through, and then sleep will come.

“Sleep is an essential part of life-but more important, sleep is a gift.” William C. Dement

I wanted to say in my close today that I so appreciate all of the discussions that have come from my writing. While I’ve always said that I write for myself first and foremost, I’m always hopeful that someone out there can relate. That someone will understand what I’m saying. I’ve expressed my desire for others to read these blogs and not feel alone, probably because I’ve spent so much of my life in secret, and feeling very alone. You can fill a room with people, and those people can care for you, even love you, but when you harbor dark secrets, it’s as though the room is empty the entire time. No one really knows me, but now you are all starting to. This has been a painful journey but one that I needed to travel. I hope that you find slumber tonight. I’m almost there.

Until we meet again…

~Robert~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

The Emotional Process of Writing a Book

Music Activates The Soul

Facing Trauma Through Words: My Memoir Story

Awakening from Human Trafficking: My Journey to Survival

Why I Prefer Female Friends: An Exploration

Understanding the Depth of True Friendship

Do We Ever Really Know Someone?

Embracing Life: Finding Joy Amidst Mortality

My Path to Healing

The pursuit of peaceful sleep