One day at a time. It doesn’t sound like much to say that, but when you really stop and put that into action, it can be profound. I’ve found myself at the mercy of even going an hour at a time to try to get through events in my life. Asking my higher power to take the load off of my shoulders because I felt as though it might be too much. I could break at any moment.

There have been some moments in my life when I had to sit and really think things through before acting upon them. I’m structured and methodical, so I know what the “knee jerk” reactions can bring. I’ve had those moments where I’ve let the reaction take hold and it’s never ended the way it should’ve. When raising children I learned patience quickly. They rely on their everything through you. You become a god of sorts in the eyes of that child. You are their most influential person during their earliest years. First words, learning to go to the potty, riding a bike for the first time. These are all moments that a parent should hold dear and cherish. We are also a big part in their makeup socially, at least at first. Once the outside is introduced we can feel lost at times. A new behavior discovered that was never taught by you. Words spoken that have never been part of your vocabulary. If you pay attention, there are signs that growing and changing is going on.

My story is one of going into a marriage that came with children. I didn’t shy away from taking the role of “Dad”, but rather embraced all that it had to offer. My son was already at a pivotal age and I feared that reaching him would be hard. My daughter was just getting ready to turn two and I knew that would be a serious task as well. Diapers, bottles, binkies and the ever present blanky were regular items to be had. I was all in and felt positive about my role as a parent. I had life experience that I felt would assist me in guiding these two souls through a world which I felt to be tough and ugly.

Dealing with other humans in situations like this became tricky. My son’s father was an every other weekend dad. He did his part at times, but assisting in the growth and maturity of a child was sparse. My son, Josh reads my blogs, so I’m sure he remembers much of the back and forth between homes and how he felt with each trip. Having a man come into his life that he knew nothing about, and trying to find a way to bond, or trust had to be awful. Especially knowing that he’d been down that road before and with an individual who was less than human in my humble opinion. Damage from that time is still discussed at times. The person who brought about this trauma was none other than the father (cough, cough) of my second child Taylor. When I first got together with their mother, we had discussions about child support and what roles these other humans would play in the raising of the children. As I stated earlier, Josh’s father was around at times, so there was some interaction for him. Taylor’s father had taken to getting into the wind to avoid child support and threatened her mother that if she ever tried to find him, “bad things” would happen. Hmmm, this went right into my sweet spot. Someone who was supposedly well connected and non existent. I decided to call in a favor and see how hard it would be to find this person. As luck would have it, I was able to find him quickly. I had his address and all pertinent information in my hands within a week. The next step would be to contact child support and report it so that he could be arrested. He was arrested and given a court date. Let me tell you, this is where things get sick. I walked into the courthouse to find this pathetic human sitting on a bench. I shared my feelings towards him in a quiet manner, but made it clear that he was very easy to find.

Once inside the court, a discussion began about the child support owed. He was an enormous amount of money in arrears and was looking for a way out. We offered to cut the amount of the child support in half, with the stipulation that he’d sign all of his parental rights away. Not only did he agree to this quickly, but followed it by saying that “I don’t ever want to see her, and she’s better off with you.” Stop right there. He just agreed to sell his child to a stranger and never wanted to look in on her going forward. Not only was I sickened by this act, I agreed to the offer and then adopted Taylor as my own child. Any chance that she had of making it through this world, it was certainly better with me than him.

Life has a way of shifting. The life I’d envisioned was broken by an alcoholic and drug abuser. Some of these red flags showed early on, but I didn’t think at that time that it was a problem. Getting drunk was something I’d seen other people do on the regular since very early on in my life. That was nothing new. This, however was much uglier and more dangerous. Traveling with kids in the car after drinking, coming home unannounced in a drunken rage, or even getting so drunk that she passed out in our garage with her car still running…and the doors were closed. It was time to rethink this parenting and my life with an alcoholic.

Separation was simple with my ex. I’d be done with the baggage that she carried and could spend more time helping the already damaged children. Being a single father was tough. Day care costs were high and getting them wherever they needed to be was worked around my working schedule to the best of my abilities. They did spend time with their mother, but the vast majority of the time was in my home, with me. Cracks were starting to show, in both of the kids. Each seemed to develop their own ways of working through it and neither seemed very healthy. Anger and uncertainty were apparent in both of them. While I tried to make sure they both understood that regardless of the split home situation, I’d always be available to them, and that nothing that happened between their mother and I was their fault.

Josh’s rebellion was more of a keep to yourself thing around the home. It was rage when away with his friends. So many years of being through so much, it’s a wonder he didn’t just explode. This too is something that we discuss to this very day. I offer my attention whenever he wants and I’m always planting the seed of counseling. He’s not there yet, but I think with time, he’ll find his way to it. I certainly took a minute to get in to see a professional myself. Taylor was different. She seemed to miss her mother at every turn. It didn’t seem to matter how much love and attention she was getting, there was always the need for more. This became a very unhealthy thing that turned into much more over the years. I started her in counseling, hoping that something would break through and she’d find some happiness. Again, I know there are many parents who read this… Remember that we can’t control what happens when a child is outside of our doors. The environment that I have control over is inside of my home and I also found that it can slip away. Taylor got into cutting. If there was ever a nightmare scenario for a parent, this rates pretty high on the scale and knowing that a child is cutting their skin open, inside of your home is terrifying! Add to that, less than savory connections on the outside, which then turned into drugs. I was left reeling.

The people closest to me know how many years I tried to reach my daughter. At some point you have to ask yourself what more can I do? By the time she reached adulthood, she’d aligned herself with a pill seeker and female abuser. I had nothing left to give. I’d offered numerous ways out of this and never wanted her to be homeless. She’d finally broken free from him but had all kinds of bad habits and refused to follow any kind of structure within my home. She’d tried living with her mother for a bit, but found one day to be evicted from there. Her mother was kind enough to place all of her things in front of my garage door while I was at work. The spiral down hit bottom for Taylor when she found herself living in her car and flopping at different “friends” homes. She reached out to me and asked if she could come home just for the night so that she could have a good shower, some food and rest. I allowed this with no questions asked. I could feel that she was at her bottom, or so I thought.

We talked the next day and I offered her the life that she’d had before, yet she refused. She still seemed to be fighting some kind of demons that I could not help her with. The choices that we make in our lives have consequences. While someone may be of legal age, they’re not always adult enough to understand these words. Letting your child walk out the door knowing that you can’t help them, fix them or protect them is one of the most gut wrenching moments of my life. I knew in my heart that I’d given everything to make this work. I’d protected, loved and raised these kids to be strong, independent and caring. I learned in counseling that the question I kept asking was already easy to answer. My question was, “what did I do wrong?” In all reality, I’d done nothing wrong, in fact I’d gone the extra mile to try to save them. With Taylor, there was nothing more. The breaking point came years later after a couple of very rare meet ups. She’d posted herself on social media holding a picture of the man who sold her in court. The very man that said he never wanted to see her again was now being displayed by my daughter with the words how she wished she could have known him and forged a relationship. She wanted a father that would have been there to guide her. It was like having my throat cut. Things came at me at a hundred miles an hour. I’d done everything in my power for this child. Everything that I’d sacrificed to make her life better, and in the end, I became nothing but an afterthought. Her parting words to me when she aged out of being on my insurance at 26 years old were, “thanks for letting me know, now lose my number.” That’s exactly what I did.

Things don’t always go as they should, or at least how we want them to. I’ll always hope that she finds her way and decides that things could’ve been, and still could be, different. The change in me is what is key here. After everything that I’d been through, I was finally at peace with my decisions. I’d found a way to make myself whole. I stopped asking the question of what had I done wrong, and focused more on knowing that I did everything I could. She chose to go the other direction. When you take things one day at a time, it cuts it down into something more manageable. When you have serious life pressures, they can become overwhelming. I know this because I’ve been there many times. I’ve never been one to count on the world to do, or be the right thing. I know better. I’m street tough and smart, I know where the roads lead to now. How I travel them is the question. Do I allow things to build up and eventually break me? No, I have to separate the truth from the noise.

My stories are meant to teach, and at times inspire. Some are just here so that others know that life can be tricky and we have to find a way to get through it. I’m a survivor of many things now, so I speak truth to power. I’ve been judged many times for the moves that I’ve made with my child, and I will tell you that I really don’t care what others think. If you have empathy in your heart, then you understand. Until you walk a mile in anyone’s shoes, just don’t. Don’t cast your judgment without knowing everything. I implore you. While I’m battle tested, others may not be, and you can damage them further.

For those struggling with anything like this, there’s always hope and help. Seek counseling with a trained professional, it can make all the difference. Exhaust all options before deciding you’ve had enough when it comes to the life of another. I never walked away from my children, one just chose to walk away from me, and I’m alright today.

Thank you so much for reading.

~Robert~