Are broken people harder to love?

August 6, 2025August 7, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

This one has been sitting inside of me for quite some time now. Probably because this is a question that I ask myself on a very regular basis. While I see myself as broken, I still believe (at least now) that I have value. My background can make me a challenge to be around. I feel everything and with such passion. I see things others don’t. I find myself asking why I’m like this, and why is it that others don’t feel as I do. So many questions within a question.

A certain look, an awkward glance, a less than pleasant response. These are things that I notice. I watch facial expressions, read body language and study the way in which words are delivered. With each of these it then starts a chain reaction within me. What did I do? Why is this person mad at me? It can venture deeper and even darker at times. Depending on the situation and the person involved. It can turn into something much uglier. I can feel disrespected, looked past, invisible, or threatened. The reaction to this is to become a wall of impenetrable steel. Hurt feelings become rage, and the first thing that comes to mind is “hurt them more than they’re hurting you.”

As I stated before, I didn’t choose to be this way, I was trained. The constant of “never shutting down” is ever present. Finding ways to walk all of my feelings back has been my desire. Learning to see and hear things differently. It’s a challenge. Think of this in terms of a detour. If you travel the same way to get to work everyday and one day everything is blocked off. You’re then forced to take a detour. The detour is unfamiliar and makes you uneasy. The level of comfort that you have with your commute has been taken away leaving you to feel vulnerable. Some people can adjust easily. However, many of us focus on the negative aspects that this detour has brought into our lives. That is how a broken person feels in everyday life.

I don’t seek problems, nor do I wish them upon myself. I just struggle to make that adjustment in my detour. This can make life with a significant other a struggle. These moments of inner collapse can start the search for answers. Even at this point in my relationship with my wife. I have times when I question “Am I too much?” I know how my brain is wired. I quickly grasp these subtle gestures. In most cases, they mean absolutely nothing. My “kill switch” is to shut down and become quiet. This is a time for me to process and seek inner peace so that I can act and speak appropriately. If it sounds complex, it is. Like most things that I have going on inside of me it can be exhausting. For myself and my wife.

It’s my belief that broken people are special. I don’t say this just because I’m one. I say this because the ones that I’ve encountered in my travels are all truly special. While I’ve been “gifted” with abilities that I may or may not have wanted. I also have the ability to be very genuine. A “what you see it what you get” kind of person. One that once I’ve reached a level of comfort with you, I’m truly all in. I love people deeply and hold them closely. Fiercely loyal to both friends, family. It takes time to reach this pinnacle, but once you’re there you’re truly inside of my heart.

I’ve struggled in my relationships over the years. Taken chances on people that I knew deep inside would disappoint me. Perhaps hoping for a different outcome. Had people walk away from me because I held so much of myself inside. It takes a very patient person to be with someone like me. There are risks in everything we do in our lives. Taking risks with matters of the heart is the ultimate. It takes a patient person to allow me to work through my demons. They help me figure out who I really am. They endure endless hours of counseling and still face moments when I shut down. I feel that it’s a heavy load for my wife to carry at times. I’d like to believe that what I offer in return makes it worth while. My brokenness has developed into something better over time. I see my wife as a part of my soul. I love her deeply. To say it may sound cliché, yet for me it’s everything. I’ve opened the part of me that was the most broken and welcomed her in. I lowered my barriers and took a chance, in the same way that she did with me.

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

For so long I looked at myself as less than. The truth is that I’m just beautifully broken. I’ve overcome and made strives to be a better human. “Are broken people harder to love?” If you have patience, understanding, and a willingness to work through the complexities, you will find a wonderful human. A wonderful human is on the other side.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Don’t Fix Me

November 28, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

People tend to want to help others, at least some of the time. Many of us have something built in that if we see someone in need, we reach out to them. This can be very appreciated especially when in crisis. The line gets blurred when someone decides that they can “fix” you. I’m guilty of doing exactly that at numerous times with persons that had no desire to make change. I don’t want, or expect others to reach into their bag of goodies and place a bandage on my wounds. I’ll explain.

I talk much on my blog about the different types of issues that I’ve acquired over my years on this earth. I share the parts of me that are damaged and what its meant for my life going forward. I also share the setbacks that I’ve encountered when faced with challenges that I’m not sure how to deal with. When I’ve fallen into crisis mode, I will either completely seal myself up, or it all seems to explode outwards in some kind of hostile word salad. Those around may not be equipped to handle this or offer help. At these moments, the help that I’m in need of can far exceed what the normal human can handle. I need guidance from a professional, or perhaps just time. This is not a slight towards those that are concerned, I just don’t want to be fixed. When I say that, it means that unless you understand the entire story, the offer to fix could cause more harm than good.

This is a really complicated subject matter, and I hope that I can make sense of all of it. I’ve had family members, loved ones and friends attempt to reach me at different times when I’m in a spiral down. I love and appreciate them for this, as long as they don’t add the dreaded advice on how to fix myself. Don’t try to fix the problems by saying things like “it’s not that big of a deal”, “you’re not that person anymore”, or “you’ll be fine.” Offer a listening ear without judgment if a purge is needed. Ask if there’s something needed, like should a counselor be contacted. Sometimes even just a hug can slow the processing and bring me back around again. A great example of this is when I walk with my sisters. They listen when I’m riled up about things going on in my head. The combination of physically moving and having someone just hear you when you hurt makes a huge difference on getting through crisis. My wife is good for moments when I walk in the door and just stretch my arms out and say that I need a hug. She’s always available for this and it settles the fire within. I highly recommend hugs.

Fixers want to get very involved in the trauma and that is not a welcome place to be. I don’t want to mix a person and their feelings, or ideas into my mess. I’ve even had times when I’ve just walked away from someone giving me “advice” on how to make things better. It feels more like a push, or a shove. Almost as if to say “do it my way and all will be well.” I feel a wall going up immediately when this happens. It’s best if I wall up and shut it out rather than allow more emotions of hostility creep in. I’m sure that we’re all guilty of just wanting to simmer, or as I like to call it “stewing in my juices.” I really don’t want anything from anyone. I just need time to sort everything out and I’ll be alright. I’m pretty good at letting others know when this is happening and just ask for space. Some fixers just can’t stand to allow this to happen and will continue to chew at your edges until there’s a snap. There have not been many, but I will tell you that when its happened, I’m unapologetically horrible. Once that happens, the fixer then becomes hurt, or possibly angry. Now there are multiple fires burning that really didn’t need to be.

When I say that if you struggle, feel free to reach out, I’m not offering any form of counseling, or fix. I’m simply saying that I’ll listen. If you want me to share how I’ve felt in similar situations, I can do that so that you don’t feel alone. I’m not the person to fix anyone, that much I’m sure of. I’ve even discussed and thought about getting involved with at risk teens. Something that my counselor thought might be helpful. It’s an area that at least for now, I just can’t go into. The very idea of having a teen, that acts the way I did and might be in even worse shit staring blankly at me doesn’t sit well. I know how I was at that age and I’m not sure that I could’ve been reached. They may not want to be fixed either, so I’d serve no purpose. This could change as I work through all my “things”, but for now it’s best that I focus on my shit and get that corrected.

With all this being said, humans are so very complicated and as my cousin said recently, “we’re all in a different place.” I’m in a part of my journey that others may not be. Some haven’t even started to address their problems. The timeline is our own. We all know when it’s time to make a move and get the help needed to collect our shit together and move forward. It took me into my 50’s before I decided to get rolling and that was only because the counselor was sharper than I was and detected issues. I knew that my sleep was a mess and that my nightmares were causing harm, I just wasn’t sure that I could do the things necessary to get better.

One thing that I’ve learned in these years of counseling. I’m better than I was, and that’s huge! I’m able to sleep a little better and I don’t have the reoccurring nightmare anymore. I’m aware of when I’m sliding and require a “tune-up”. Being aware of what’s going on in your head is just as important as being aware of how you feel physically. These two intertwine, so pay attention to the sometimes subtle blips on your radar. Know when it’s time to seek out a professional so that you can manage all the things going on. Try your hardest to remember that the fixers do have good intentions, they just don’t understand what’s in your head. Do your best to step back when they encroach in your space. Give warning when, or if this happens, but be as gentle as you can. If they are persistent in “fixing” you…only you know what needs to happen next. I’d suggest just walking away.

Once again this topic comes about by way of listening to music. One of my favorite songs came on the other day and it sparked this entire blog. The song is called “Fix Me” by the band 10 years. I’ll drop the lyrics below because they’re pretty spot on with how I’ve felt at times. “I’m fine in the fire, I feed on the friction, I’m right where I should be, don’t try to fix me”. Yeah, that hits the spot! I highly recommend giving this a listen, you’ll truly understand what I’m trying to say here. If you’re in need, seek assistance. If you want a listening ear without judgment, I’m around. I promise not to try to Fix you.

Until we meet again

~Robert~

Fix Me by 10 years

It’s taken a lifetime to lose my way
A lifetime of yesterdays
All the wasted time on my hands
Turns to sand
And fades in the wind
Crossing lines
Small crimes
Taking back what is mine
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
So lost for so long
To find to my way
I failed to follow
I’m out of place
Crossing Lines
Small crimes
Taking back what is mine
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me

The Intersection of Mental Health and Truth: My Journey

October 8, 2024October 8, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I totally understand why anyone that struggles with any kind of mental illness doesn’t want to talk about it. Why they don’t want “others” to know. Once you do, once the genie is out of the bottle, you can’t put it back in. That leaves you vulnerable to judgment by those that don’t understand, or just don’t care to understand. It’s taken years to get to the point that I’m at now, but don’t think that because I blog about my issues that it makes everything o.k.

Some might think that what I write about is brave, or that it gives them a better perspective on the rest of the world outside of their own. There are some that think the topics I touch on are too taboo. They feel that what I speak about is “too much”. That perhaps I’d be better served keeping this to myself, or dialing it down. The very reason I started touching on the topic of mental health is because it does reach everyone. There are just some that refuse to believe that they might struggle themselves. That perhaps they have their own secrets.

Since I’ve started this direction of writing. I’ve had some very positive responses, and have found it’s opened a door for others to explore their own world. That is thrilling to me! I love that perhaps the pain I’ve carried can somehow be of service in the long run. Then there’s the uneasy feeling that when I’ve written something that I’m looked upon differently. A certain sympathy look, or perhaps a look of being dismissed because they know that “you’re not well”. I feel it, trust me.

One of the things that is the most bothersome to me, is when my word is questioned. Growing up with nothing made me painfully aware that the only thing that I do have is my voice. Along with my voice is my memory and the ability to recall anything. As I’ve stated before, I’ve been “trained” to pay attention to details. Why? Because details matter. This is something that I’ve lived by for the better part of my life. Recently I went through an event that challenged all of this. I felt for a minute like I was truly going crazy, that everything I knew to be right, was now wrong.

“How important is it to be right.” This question was posed to me years ago by my sponsor. My answer at that time was, it’s everything. While I may not always voice my opposition, in my brain I know what’s right. I may not challenge the person, or persons at the time, but I’ve already begun my process into evaluating the situation. I also begin to evaluate the person, or persons that are involved. This again, is something that I’ve done for so long, that it’s second nature. In different circumstances, with less savory people, evaluating improperly can cost you everything.

This all then brings trust into question. My evaluation process lets me know what level I can trust a person. If some are willing to blindly follow and never question, I look at them as a “mark”. I align myself with those that have proven to be strong, question things and seek truth. There’s an intersection between the speaking about mental health and truth. I pass through this intersection on a daily basis. I work in an environment that is painful to who and what I am. I feel alone and singled out at times. I’ve been working on making peace with that, but it’s truly a struggle. When you use your voice and know your truth, and it falls on deaf ears, or is discarded, you’re left to question your place in the world. I’m not one for folding up and walking away, so it usually brings about hostility. My anger and hostility is, and will continue to be my main focus with my counselor. I don’t want to feel this way, yet find myself falling into this comfort trap.

Here’s what I’m looking for with this blog. I want everyone to understand that I may be broken, yes, I have damage that needs care. It doesn’t make me less than. It doesn’t mean that I can’t function within society. I don’t want pity. All that I want is what everyone should want, to be heard, to be seen. The other thing is that there are those of us out there that have experienced trauma that perhaps has made us keenly aware of things that others wouldn’t bother to pay attention to. We see the things that others don’t. I was trying to explain this to a co-worker recently. I stated that it’s a curse, and a blessing at the same time. I wish that I’d never gone through the things that I did, but I can’t change that. I can however take the strengths that it has given me and use them appropriately. The positive that came from the negative. I also want to be clear that I’m not perfect, but a truth seeker.

When you’re around me, when you’re speaking with me, know that I’m very genuine. I speak truth, always. The only thing that I have to offer in this world is my voice. The question is, are you willing to hear my voice?

Thanks so much for reading.

~Robert~

Silence and Secrets

July 27, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I went on walkabout today through some of my usual areas, added a few new ones along the way to keep my brain entertained. My sister by my side and a beautiful day on tap, it looked to be great! We chat about all aspects of our lives along with some of the nuggets we caught on the news. Being that I’d gone to see my counselor the other day, we kind of go over what was discussed and of course any “homework” that I may have to complete.

If I’ve not mentioned this before, going to see someone and talking through things also means that you need to do “the work.” You can’t just stroll into an office, sit on a couch and tell all your tails, and then expect for them to pull out the magic wand and make everything wonderful. It’s just not like that. While I have sat down on a very comfortable couch and unloaded all kinds of “stuff”, I’m challenged. It’s a good thing. The idea of seeing someone is to retrain your brain to stop thinking the same way. To alter the route of your internal GPS! In my case, it also means that you need to find out the reasons for behaviors, or things that cause you mental pain. I’ve learned, it’s not always what I’ve thought was the cause. There are many layers and some take time to bring to the surface.

I want to take this moment and just say that I do these blogs #1 because I’m finding that putting it out here seems to be a form of cleansing. Some might think that it’s “too much information”, or they feel it’s not appropriate to discuss. Yes, I’ve run into that kind of feedback for things I’ve shared. I also do this hoping that it reaches someone else. Maybe someone that’s gone through similar life stories, or perhaps even worse. I’ve certainly heard my share of horror stories from others that in a way, has helped me to. Sharing of painful events with others makes you feel less alone. At one point in my life I thought it best to keep everything to myself and never discuss my life. Someone would judge me and that would of course make my rage even worse. We have a problem in the country with casting people aside just because they’re hurt or broken, and it’s not right.

Secrets and Silence. This is truly something that comes to mind when I think of how I was raised. We weren’t meant to speak our minds or share our feelings, that’s dirty. Secrets were meant to be kept among only a select few. “Why would you want to put your dirty laundry out there for all to know?” I’m betting there’s a few of you right now that have heard that phrase, or one much the same. Some of the most awful things can happen and yet, we’re meant to never speak a word.

In my “past life” I was trained to be a watcher, to not speak, but to listen. I would see things that would disgust me, yet I was to keep it a secret. Never tell, never snitch, or pay the price. I tend to dance around this part of my life still. I’m working on bringing all of it out and sharing it with more than just my closest pack. There are parts of my life that I’m not proud of, but I survived. It took years to finally discuss openly with family members some of the things that went on in my world. Secrets run deep and they change you. It’s as though it’s a form of rot that just builds up inside of your body. Talking about it, while painful, is the way to cleanse the rot. To purge the system.

I’m learning that my story is unfortunately not rare. That others walking about have much worse things still left unkept inside of them. It’s as though I can almost hear the pain when they talk, or feel what they’re feeling when they too dance around the truth. Silence and Secrets is everywhere, and it needs to change. The hurt that people hold takes away from their true self. The inner beauty that was meant to be shared from the start. It’s as if the soul is gone and their eyes show the emptiness that’s been left behind. I wish that I wasn’t able to see or hear these things. I wish others would look for ways to find themselves again. We can’t turn back time, we can’t make all of the bad people that have floated in and out of our lives disappear. We can however claim our soul back! Don’t let the demons win here.

I’ve started this topic, this particular subject on so many occasions and could never finish. I’ve walked away from this computer so many times, unable to really put down what I felt, what I see, how I feel. It’s raw, it’s real, and there’s no shame in feeling the way I do. This I know. I’m again hoping that right now someone reads through this and says I do feel this way and I don’t want to hold onto the Silence and Secrets any longer. I want to have my light, and my soul again. It’s not crazy, none of us are crazy. We’re just damaged and that to is alright. To say that “it’s o.k. to not be o.k.” should be understood in society and embraced. It doesn’t make you bad, it just means that you hurt right now. I’d like to dig deeper into where everything went wrong on mental health. Perhaps I’ll touch on that in another blog.

I’ll close this out by saying thank you for all that read these. I love it when people want to discuss things I write about, or share their insight. Conversation is a good thing and getting to know people like myself that are damaged, you’ll find we still have value. I have the saying on my latest Road I.D. that I wear on my Garmin every day. It says “Broken crayons still color.” I love that. I may be broken but I still have so much to offer. If you’re willing to let go of the Silence, or finally share the Secrets, I promise you there will be relief. You may be broken, but you can still color, and color you will!

Thank you again for being a part of the Zombie File.

I’ll see you on the road

~Zombie~

Let’s talk about Mental Health

June 10, 2024June 10, 2024 / Zombie / 1 Comment

Hey there all. I talk all the time about my running, walking, working out etc. I’ve touched on things that move, or drive me to do these things. Let’s dive deeper into mental health. This always seem to be a taboo topic and people cringe when it’s brought up. I can’t think of anything more important than the very things floating around inside of your head. This is where you live, every day! It can be good at times and also very toxic. There are many factors that make up what goes on inside the brain. Let’s start there. This is my story.

Your upbringing and social environment develop boundaries inside of you, or lack thereof. I was raised by parents that were very loving at times, yet also emotionally distant. I don’t fault them for this, they did the best they could with what they were dealt in life. My Father was a true tough guy. He was quiet most of the time and never raised his voice, however, he had a way about him that would strike fear straight to your very soul. When he spoke to me, it was up close to my face, and quiet. The whole time he would have one hand on me. That hand would squeeze into my trap/shoulder area based on how mad he was at the time. I learned early that in order to keep the pain level down, you shouldn’t upset him. I had a great deal of respect and fear for the man my entire life. He also raised me to not show emotions. Crying was not an accepted practice, and showing emotions was being weak. This, along with the “take no shit from anyone” mentality formed me into a quiet monster of sorts.

My Mother was very passive and quiet. She had her own demons, but was intelligent and much softer than my Father. There were times we had great conversations, then moments with long periods of not speaking at all. Confusion between the two styles of parenting brought about the need for something else, something more that was missing. This fueled years of misguided anger and poor life choices.

God, when I reflect back now, I wonder how I’ve made it this far. I keep saying that I’ll write a book about all of the different destructive ways I wandered to ease my restless soul. Along with way of life, you have to add my environment that I grew up in. Poor area, with mixed middle class families and areas of poverty. Hunger was something that I speak of often when discussing my past. The feeling of not having enough food, or being cold brought about the desire to just survive. By any means possible.

“You are a reflection of your environment.” I attached to this idea and wore it with pride. Fighting the system and looking for ways to make my life better. Attaching to people that were professionals at “grooming” impressionable kids. I’ll just say that I learned from some very hardened criminals how to view the world. I became a voyeur of humans. My job was to study, to pay attention and exploit weakness. Reflecting back to what I was told by my Father, show no emotions, never cry.

Moving forward, I reached a crossroads of sorts. There was something in my make-up that didn’t want to continue down the path I was on, something didn’t feel right. Yet there was comfort in all of it, familiarity. I decided to break away. I still had the twisted thoughts and hardness, but had reached a point that I felt I could move on and become healthy. I was wrong. While I started to do better in my life, mostly brought about by my running, I still had those built in demons. The demons were strong enough that they caused me to have reoccurring nightmares for a good portion of my adult life. What else could I do, I was living better, working hard, making a good living. Something was still missing and I found myself seeking yet again.

The start of the turn around came by way of going to Al-Anon. I’d had several run ins through life with alcoholics. This drove me to find refuge in rooms with people that experienced similar things as myself. Once I was there, I felt at ease. I felt the kinship of others that understood. It was a good start, but there was still deeply rooted things that required more. I reached out to a good friend that had become a counselor. She gave me the tools to search for someone local. What to look for in a counselor/therapist and gave me the courage to make the step into looking through my past with guidance.

I’ve been with this counselor for numerous years now and it’s safe to say that she’s helped me to work through things that I never thought would be possible. Trust me when I say it’s not a magic pill, or a one and done session. This required work, hard work, facing things that I really didn’t want to ever face again. To discuss hard topics and learn to adjust the very way I view the world as a whole. Never judging, and always careful with where she’d take me mentally. There were times that after a session I would go home and just collapse in exhaustion. This gave me a new perspective on how important our mental health is. Prior to getting help, it changed my sleep patterns, my ability to form relationships, everything! Literally everything began to change with time and my overall health improved, I was now alive!

I’ve struggled for a very long time and kept so much of this from everyone. Something else I learned was very wrong. Some of the hardest conversations were with the person that I love the most in this world, my wife Karla. I was so terrified that once I told her who and what I was, what I’d been through, she’d never want to be with me. I was wrong. She too understands the importance of mental health and reminded me that “the man you are today is who I love, not the boy that struggled”. She’s proud of what I’ve become and that in turn has made me want to reach out to others. To let them know that there is a way out. There can be a brighter tomorrow. You don’t have to struggle or hide your feelings. Share them, work through them, be seen and heard. Isn’t that what we all really want in this world? To be seen, to be heard. When I think back to my childhood, it’s all that I was ever really looking for from my parents. To be seen and heard. To have my feelings validated. I’m good now, and I hold no ill feelings towards my parents at all. They tried their best. If anything, I feel sad that they didn’t have the opportunity to make things right with their mental health. Somewhere they lost their validation in the world.

So please, take the time to take care of you. Don’t perpetuate a cycle that can be corrected. I see you, and I hear you.

Thanks for reading,

~Zombie~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

anxiety

Are broken people harder to love?

Don’t Fix Me

The Intersection of Mental Health and Truth: My Journey

Silence and Secrets

Let’s talk about Mental Health