There have been so many occasions now that I’ve been inspired by music. A song that I’ve listened to a thousand times could one day flip a switch. Today was such a day. The song that I speak of is called “Silhouette of a life.” As I listened to this somewhat haunting melody, I had visions of someone sitting at a drawing board sketching. They were sketching out a silhouette. Inside of this silhouette were all the events of my life. It was as if they were drawing at my guidance. Each item inserted into the silhouette was a part of my life. The good, the bad, everything.

When I have moments like this I just close my eyes and let my mind wander. It’s like taking a journey within myself. Seeing things that have made me smile, passing by events that I wanted to wish away. As I travel, I feel compelled to start writing. To try to explain my feelings, to share my visions, and to expand my silhouette.

Music has always been a strong influence on my being. When I’ve been alone in the past, and even now as I sit with music flowing throughout the room. I let the sounds guide me. There have been times that I’ve felt it was my my best friend. There have also been songs that became my drive when I felt that I couldn’t keep going. Then there are the moments that a song can just strip everything away to reveal the core of your soul. It can touch you so deeply that you just begin to cry…today was that day.

My silhouette is not what some might envision. It’s still mildly distorted. Being that I struggle with my own being, it’s hard to see a silhouette of myself. The silhouette is almost busting at the seams with “things.” I feel as though I’ve lived numerous lifetimes already. Even with that being said, I still have a desire to keep going. To continue to fill these hard, dark lines drawn out. Each movement I make in life adds a similar movement by the hand that draws the picture. When I look at the picture I can see the inner struggles. When I’m struggling, it’s as if the hand quickly scribbles left and right. When I’m strong, the hand moves with precision. Starting each picture with conviction and strength.

These are also the moments that I so wish I had the talent to draw. I do my best to share my visions with words. Sometimes I think it falls short. I think the feelings that I’m having today make me wonder. Am I once again the voyeur? Am I standing beside the artist, directing the drawing? Is it me that is in control of my life? So many thoughts on all of this. I’ve felt at times that I was a puppet on a string. I moved at the direction of another. Never really in control of anything. So, today was an interesting turn of events. I’d like to think that it’s another sign that I’m coming into my own. Getting stronger within myself. That perhaps now I’m the one who’s hand I see drawing.

The scene that I’ve painted in my head today makes me smile through tears. To be able to see something that to me is so beautiful and freeing. When you’ve walked the dark streets and became saturated with defeat, this moment matters. I’m breaking free! I’m actually starting to believe that I’ll be alright. While I can see so much darkness in this silhouette, parts of it are amazing. There are still portions waiting to be drawn out. I’m not done yet. I have the strength now to guide the hand in a manner that I wish. No more of the scattered, or scribbled lines. Smooth, precise, beautiful scenes of life. A life that I’ve taken back.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~