Ghosts from your past can visit you. You might imagine a transparent being floating in front of you when I make this statement. My version is a touch different. Don’t get me wrong, I feel that spirits are among us. We’ll save that for another blog though. The ghosts that I speak of are both helpful and good people. They were key to your moving through life. There are also those that were detrimental to your life and your being. I’ve blogged about ghosts in prior entries, and I felt it was a good time for a revisit.
I speak of ghosts again because I’m currently going through my darker side in counseling. It’s a topic that we’ve worked on over the years but never really took the deep dive. My counselor and I both felt that it was the right time to take that dive. I talk about how I seek peace, yet there have been times recently that have pulled me backwards. This causes me to lose footing and second guess myself. I fear my loss of control more than anything in this world.
While I’m protective by nature, I realize there’s a darkness I don’t understand about myself. I don’t seem to have an off switch. Once I’ve become fully engaged, I can’t see my way back out. It’s not uncommon for any human to have a trigger in them. It could be a protective parent looking out for their child. It might also be an older sibling watching over a younger one. Humans want to protect their own, much like animals in the wild. When we feel threatened, we want to stand up to whatever threat comes our way. It’s a very natural reaction. In times of threat, I’ve learned to position myself for both protection and maximum damage to the aggressor. While my training is helpful to navigate these types of threats, my off switch seems to be damaged. If I reach a certain level, and then lash out, I find that I’m unable to pull myself away. I need to feel that the threat has been neutralized. I was very close to this recently as I stated in my previous blog. I found myself only hearing white noise and had already started picking out points of impact. When this happens in my brain, I know I’m in trouble. This last event was only stopped by the voice in my head of my counselor. While she wasn’t standing directly next to me, I could hear her voice saying my name. She became that ghost from the present that had found a way to reach me in my time of need.
In that haze of nothingness, a single voice broke through. This was part of my last discussion with my counselor. I listen closely when she speaks to me, and I remember things that she tells me. If I wasn’t putting in the work, things on this particular day could’ve gone in a different direction. It has come time to dig deeper and work on how and why things are broken. Repair this button so that I can heal and move forward. I’m certain that I’ll deal with more ghosts from the past, as I’m sure that they’re part of this. I’ll then rely on the ghosts that have been my guiding force for finding light. I’ve referenced demons and angels in some of the scenarios as I feel they’re relevant. Evil does walk this earth…of that I’m sure. If there is evil and darkness, there must be light and good. That is what I choose to believe and will continue to seek. Seek the good and stay strong.
I found myself thinking after the last couple of encounters with darkness that I was being tested. Perhaps tested to see if I was capable of holding the line. Not giving into the surge of evil that began flowing through my veins. Was it a demon seeking me? Was this a ghost from the past trying to work its way back in? Believe what you wish, but these questions ran through my head afterwards. I had to shake my arms out afterwards because they’d become so tight. I could hardly move my hands. Shaking out whatever it was that was inside of me. I needed to find something that would bring me out of this. I try to think of good things. My wife, my dogs, the mountains, my family. Things that will help me to feel whole again.
My journey will move forward, and I remain hopeful. I’ve had a scare now and that makes me want to work even harder. My counselor has suggested that we do some more EMDR. (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) The easiest way for me to describe this is it feels like time travel. You move through events but more like a passenger on a train looking out the window. That’s how it felt to me anyway. It can be draining. This process helps you to look at things that need processing. These may have been events stuffed down. I’m sure that there will be ghosts waiting…but I’m ready to face it. I need this.
It’s always good for me to do these blogs. I’m curious what the readers feel when they go through them. Does it trigger things in your own life? Do you have these same feelings, or perhaps have concerns that you too could lose control one day? I’m just sharing parts of my life that may or may not be relevant in yours. Today, I’m pretty good. I always try to remember to start each day fresh and not hold onto yesterday’s messes. The next step is to clean up the past stories where ghosts still reside. Once I get that done, I can bask in the light.
Thank you for following along on my journey.
~Robert~
The zombie file 