The Intersection of Mental Health and Truth: My Journey

October 8, 2024October 8, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I totally understand why anyone that struggles with any kind of mental illness doesn’t want to talk about it. Why they don’t want “others” to know. Once you do, once the genie is out of the bottle, you can’t put it back in. That leaves you vulnerable to judgment by those that don’t understand, or just don’t care to understand. It’s taken years to get to the point that I’m at now, but don’t think that because I blog about my issues that it makes everything o.k.

Some might think that what I write about is brave, or that it gives them a better perspective on the rest of the world outside of their own. There are some that think the topics I touch on are too taboo. They feel that what I speak about is “too much”. That perhaps I’d be better served keeping this to myself, or dialing it down. The very reason I started touching on the topic of mental health is because it does reach everyone. There are just some that refuse to believe that they might struggle themselves. That perhaps they have their own secrets.

Since I’ve started this direction of writing. I’ve had some very positive responses, and have found it’s opened a door for others to explore their own world. That is thrilling to me! I love that perhaps the pain I’ve carried can somehow be of service in the long run. Then there’s the uneasy feeling that when I’ve written something that I’m looked upon differently. A certain sympathy look, or perhaps a look of being dismissed because they know that “you’re not well”. I feel it, trust me.

One of the things that is the most bothersome to me, is when my word is questioned. Growing up with nothing made me painfully aware that the only thing that I do have is my voice. Along with my voice is my memory and the ability to recall anything. As I’ve stated before, I’ve been “trained” to pay attention to details. Why? Because details matter. This is something that I’ve lived by for the better part of my life. Recently I went through an event that challenged all of this. I felt for a minute like I was truly going crazy, that everything I knew to be right, was now wrong.

“How important is it to be right.” This question was posed to me years ago by my sponsor. My answer at that time was, it’s everything. While I may not always voice my opposition, in my brain I know what’s right. I may not challenge the person, or persons at the time, but I’ve already begun my process into evaluating the situation. I also begin to evaluate the person, or persons that are involved. This again, is something that I’ve done for so long, that it’s second nature. In different circumstances, with less savory people, evaluating improperly can cost you everything.

This all then brings trust into question. My evaluation process lets me know what level I can trust a person. If some are willing to blindly follow and never question, I look at them as a “mark”. I align myself with those that have proven to be strong, question things and seek truth. There’s an intersection between the speaking about mental health and truth. I pass through this intersection on a daily basis. I work in an environment that is painful to who and what I am. I feel alone and singled out at times. I’ve been working on making peace with that, but it’s truly a struggle. When you use your voice and know your truth, and it falls on deaf ears, or is discarded, you’re left to question your place in the world. I’m not one for folding up and walking away, so it usually brings about hostility. My anger and hostility is, and will continue to be my main focus with my counselor. I don’t want to feel this way, yet find myself falling into this comfort trap.

Here’s what I’m looking for with this blog. I want everyone to understand that I may be broken, yes, I have damage that needs care. It doesn’t make me less than. It doesn’t mean that I can’t function within society. I don’t want pity. All that I want is what everyone should want, to be heard, to be seen. The other thing is that there are those of us out there that have experienced trauma that perhaps has made us keenly aware of things that others wouldn’t bother to pay attention to. We see the things that others don’t. I was trying to explain this to a co-worker recently. I stated that it’s a curse, and a blessing at the same time. I wish that I’d never gone through the things that I did, but I can’t change that. I can however take the strengths that it has given me and use them appropriately. The positive that came from the negative. I also want to be clear that I’m not perfect, but a truth seeker.

When you’re around me, when you’re speaking with me, know that I’m very genuine. I speak truth, always. The only thing that I have to offer in this world is my voice. The question is, are you willing to hear my voice?

Thanks so much for reading.

~Robert~

Breaking the Male Psyche: A Call for Change

October 3, 2024October 3, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’ve been in need of purging numerous things from my system. One that I truly feel doesn’t get enough attention, and really needs to is the male psyche. I’ll speak of my own personal experience with this, both of myself, and others around me over the years. The manner in which males have been raised, and many continue to be raised is failing our society. Yes, failing our society. Follow along and I’ll explain some of the deep secrets.

I’ve talked about my childhood, and the relationship that I had with my Father. I’ve also given a glimpse into life that my Father endured. I use the word endured because it’s fitting. He was raised by an “Alpha” male that was an alcoholic. He viewed the world through an angry lens, and took his own frustrations out on those around him. His wife, my Grandmother was the first target. Once children came into the picture, they also suffered his wrath. My Uncle was shown no love or affection by this man. He was so hardened towards his kids that when my Uncle joined the Army and was ready to leave for boot-camp, my Grandfather gave him a ride to the bus station, and proceeded to unload and leave him there. Not well wishes of “please be safe”, or I love you son, no tears, he was dropped off and left with not even a glance in the review mirror. That was the level of anger that this man carried.

Alcohol and rage stayed within the confines of their home. My Grandfather was not a social drinker, he kept everything under wraps. An unspoken dirty secret. One that I’m sure was going on in so many other homes as well. Beatings were a regular thing, and order was to be kept. My Father learned to hide his emotions and maintain order as did my Uncle. My Grandmother did what she could to protect the boys, but had little hope of fending off the attacks. My Father spoke to me about these things at different times throughout my life. You could feel the contempt that he had for his Father. The anger and lack of emotion had carried over into my Father. While he kept from drinking, he had many of the same traits that my Grandfather before him had. He was triggered easily and rage would ensue. There was a touch of softness there thankfully. He had made an agreement with my Mother to keep hands off of myself and my sisters. The more violent beatings that he’d encountered were not a regular thing in our home. I can say that a couple of times he became very unhinged and did some damage to me. As I’ve wrote about in other blogs, I’ve forgiven my Father for things that I, and my sisters went through. He did what he could with what he had. He too was broken and never shown how to behave with empathy, sympathy or feelings in general.

These characteristics of course fell into me. The son that would be “trained” to behave in a certain manner. My job was to never show feelings, feelings equal weakness. Weakness is not acceptable in the male dominated world. You must show that you are the “Alpha” or you’ll be eaten alive. When carrying on in what I refer to as my “past life”. The training continued and became more of a grooming by another strong and angry male. This man ran multiple “businesses” that ran below the law. I found myself in a world of darkness with nothing to grasp onto. This was a pivotal age in my life and the only thing that I understood was that feelings of love and caring are to be discarded, or stuffed away. The proper response to others was to stand tall, be silent, watch and study. Find and exploit weaknesses.

It’s safe to say that there were so many males that I encountered that were broken as well. I became such a good study that I found it easy to spot those that were hiding true feelings. Those that didn’t want to be the “Alpha”, but were doing what they could to survive. I can truly say that even in the hardest of males, there was only a small few that I was truly scared of. You can see death in a person’s eyes if you look close enough. You’ll know when they’ve seen the things that no one should ever see, or in many cases, do things that should never be done. These are the true, and darkest fallen angels. There were times in discussions with some that I found such sadness, it made me wonder what had happened to them in their life to make them this way. They were very closed off and shared very little with me. Enough that I knew, there was true darkness on the other side. The man that groomed me was one of those men.

If you’re wondering about now where this is going and what does it have to do with the male psyche. We as a society raise males to be this way, sometimes without even realizing it. How many times have you heard things like “get up, you’re fine”, “don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about”, “wipe those tears away, no one needs to see that”. These are some of the things that were in my early life. With each comment, tight grip and hissing of words in your face, you become more damaged. While you may be compliant, you still harbor feelings. I didn’t realize that I was allowed to be sensitive, caring, empathetic until much later in life. This is something that should be taught from the moment any child comes into this world. Building a soldier with a protective exterior does not make a man. It creates a broken soul. This needs to stop.

I see so many around now that feel the need to put on the show of what they feel is expected of them in society. We have a disconnect somewhere. I’ve also witnessed people looking at some males with disgust because they don’t want to partake in these alpha type rituals. Say perhaps you have a son that has no interest in any kind of sports. Does that make him less of a person? What if he gets picked on or bullied and doesn’t want to fight back? What then? What is it that we feel makes up a man? Do they need to grow as much facial hair as possible and drive the biggest 4-wheel drive truck? Do they have to lift the heaviest weights at the gym? These are some of the small things that go on. Why can’t it just be o.k. to just be? Whatever it is that a boy, young man, or man feels they want to do, or be should be alright, yes? We need to allow men to show feelings, to be confident in themselves regardless of what others might think.

I say all this because I want to see changes in our future. I don’t want to see more damaged people growing up angry. This anger only carries over into their families, whether it’s their girlfriends, wives, kids etc. It’s a cycle that needs to be broken. It’s taken me many years to be alright with actually crying. That is so seriously fucked up that I’ve felt that way for so long. Tears can fall from any human’s eyes, and it should be alright. If we don’t stop this madness, more will suffer.

If you know someone that suffers, that feels that no one understands, talk to them, get them some help. Let them know that it’s alright to show the softer side of a male. In fact doing so could change a relationship entirely. I grew up with all sisters, worked most of my life around women, and I can tell you that they’d prefer to spend time with someone that is confident in who they are, not how manly they act. A man that can show love, sadness, and be vulnerable.

I’m here, sharing all of this in order to find a path to those that have felt the same as myself. To reach loved ones that know a man in their life that needs to find their way. I show my pain in my writing so that others can learn from it. I don’t want anyone to ever feel as I have. To be misguided by the “Alphas”. It’s the wrong path. Truth, forgiveness and vulnerability are now part of my make up. I’m slowly changing what I was, to who I am. I’m still learning to be alright with myself and I think that if I can help others, it could maybe, just maybe help me in return.

Thanks for reading.

~Zombie~

It’s not you, it’s me

September 11, 2024September 11, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

These very words run through my head on a regular basis. When I’m thinking about relationships in my life, whether it’s with family, friends, co-workers or my spouse. These people have become part of your world. Some by choice, others are just stuck with you. Navigating someone that struggles with their emotions can be tricky, and I’m sure at times, painful. The best piece of advice that I can give to those around me is to try to remember; “it’s not you, it’s me.”

Relationships throughout my life have been both influential, and cumbersome. Sprinkle in with that moments of happiness and love. I take the development of a relationship seriously. This is mostly because of my inability to trust. Trust, itself is not something that I take lightly, it has to be earned in my world. I don’t just hand it over without taking the time to look you over and through you. It may sound harsh, but it’s a reality that I had to maintain for survival. If you give trust, you’re handing over power to another. That power can then be exploited, and used for harm. Harm that can be both mental and physical. As a survivor, I’ve always been cautious and remain so to this day.

When I talk about trust and relationships, a flurry of emotions start to pulse within my body. I become immediately hardened. When someone wants to enter my “circle of trust”, what is it that they bring to it? “What’s the angle?” I’m sure while you’re reading this you’re thinking, wow, just be friends with someone, it can’t be that hard. I beg to differ. If you struggle with mental illness, if you’ve seen people do and say horrible things, or you’ve witnessed what can happen when the wrong person is let in, you’d get it. We’ll call it damage control, or threat assessment.

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Let me tell you about when I first met my wife Karla. We chatted on the computer for awhile before we actually met in person. Even then, I met up with her at a park, somewhere I felt safe, comfortable. In fact, it’s the very same park that I turned my life around in. When I was at my lowest point and had no direction, I went to this park to walk and that turned into some 39 years of running, as well as a purpose to keep going. Karla and I met there for a run and got caught in a rain storm. We finished the run, both soaked from head to toe. It was an amazing moment and I felt something then for her, but I remained guarded. We continued dating for some time and even then, I would sit at a distance from her, in my own home! I was reluctant to get close to her even though she seemed wonderful. We talk and joke some about all of this now, but she can also tell you that it’s not been an easy road with me. We married and started our life together, I was thrilled that I’d met someone that seemed so good, so different from others. A part of my wall stayed in place even then. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Years have gone by and once finally seeking counseling, I was able to sit down and tell Karla everything about my past. Who I was, what I know, what I’ve seen. I was terrified to do this, but with the help of my counselor, I’d gained enough strength to finally truly bring Karla into my “circle of trust.” I’d already played out everything in my head a thousand times. How I’d tell her everything and she’d withdraw and run away. Surprisingly, that never happened. She sat and listened intently to everything. Perhaps even shared tears with me. She never walked away, she didn’t judge, and I was shocked. Her words were “this is not who you are now, you are not that same person and have grown into an amazing man.”

Her words stay with me daily. I need that reinforcement in my brain so that I don’t slide backwards. Because as I stated at the beginning, it’s not you/her, it’s me. Karla was not the one with all of the insecurities, it’s me. She’s not the one that has caused harm to me, those people are gone now. Yet I struggle. The good days far outnumber the bad, but I know now that I can get through the bad days. They won’t keep piling up to become an infinitely high wall.

To tell this now feels right. I want people to know that you can be yourself and maneuver around someone that has been broken, or still remains so. I would only ask that you be patient, don’t judge and actively listen when the person wants to talk. I’m a prime example of someone that usually doesn’t want to talk, although I’ve gotten better. My co-workers can all share stories of what it’s like to be around me when things aren’t right in my world. I close up, stay away and don’t feel the need to talk much at all. This can bring about feelings in them that they’ve done something wrong. That perhaps they weren’t doing some task that has made me angry, or not performed as I would expect them to. When really, it’s just me. It’s just me hanging on at that moment to some kind of sanity. Holding onto the belief that I can feel good again, that my day will improve.

“It’s not you, it’s me” is a powerful message I’m sending to the world. I can care for others, I can love like anyone else, but I have been hurt, and broken. I tell this because if you’re like me and feel at times that you’re sitting on the edge, holding people back, get the help that can make things right again. Please don’t take it out on those around you. It can only become more damaging to everyone involved. Think of it like a child that is a witness to violence or hostility. While some think that some kids are too young to understand these events, it does stay with them. My illness cannot be the cause of someone else’s downfall. I don’t want myself or anyone else that struggles to have to carry the burden of harming. Seek the help and turn the page.

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In my closing I want to say that for the first time in my life I’ve been able to say aloud that I struggle with mental illness. Taking ownership of that was important. I’ve come to realize that it’s my health and is no different than getting the flu. There are treatments and there is hope! Getting others to understand that is important to me now. For those that suffer themselves, and for those that love us. Breaking barriers and stigmas, one blog entry at a time.

Huge thanks to my wife Karla for always being a guiding light when the world feels so very dark and cold.

Thank you all for reading and listening.

~Zombie~

I’m compelled to write

August 2, 2024August 2, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I never thought of myself as much of a writer. This all came about by chance, and some motivation provided by my cousin Marilyn who had already been doing her own blogging. I fell into the world of blogging by deciding one year to raise money for Mobile Meals of Toledo.

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My wife had been a long time volunteer who delivered meals to folks who were in need of regular healthy meals but struggled to get this done on their own. I went along with my wife a few times to assist and quickly understood why she was doing this and that this was an amazing organization! They’re great people working on a very tight budget, trying to make sure the most vulnerable would be fed, regardless of income. This touched my soul as I remember as a child what it felt like to be hungry, and longed for regular home cooked meals. I decided I had to do something. I had to find a way to bring attention to Mobile Meals and assist in getting them more funds to keep doing their great work, but what? What could I do?

Being a long time road runner, I decided to challenge myself to run 30 races in a single year. Why 30? Well, it was to celebrate my 30th year of running. I wanted to take something that had saved me personally and turn it into a year long charity event! All the proceeds, donations from everything that I did would be given directly to Mobile Meals of Toledo. So, we got with the folks at Mobile Meals and I pitched my idea. They were all in! I needed to broaden my social medial footprint and perhaps start a blog. The blogging seemed kind of odd to me and I was never very good at talking about myself. Things needed to change so that I could make this a success.

2015 was the year that I took on this challenge and found myself having one of the best running years of my life! The reason it was so great? Because the running was not all about me. It was for others. I felt all of the people that were in need and it just made me run more, faster, happier! I began to sit in front of the computer and try to describe all the details of my races, how I was feeling, how far I had run, where I had traveled to, everything. Each blog entry seemed to get a little easier. I felt at home at the keyboard. I found that I suddenly enjoyed being a story teller and sharing these details began to inspire others. Some would show up at the races and cheer for me, while others would read my blogs and begin their own fitness journey. Positive strives were beginning to happen on all fronts. This was amazing!

My love for running was just easy for me to talk about. It was my home and my comfort zone. I love to tell people about running in different races, the sights that I’d seen along the way, the people cheering, the sounds and smells. It was just a year that I’ll never forget. I will tell you that I did finish all 30 races that I set out to run that year. Some of my best times ever also came during that stretch. Most importantly, I was able to raise thousands of dollars for Mobile Meals of Toledo and that was the greatest part of it all.

I stayed with the blogging after the that year faded. I began looking for other ways to help groups with my running. After awhile, the body started to be uncooperative and I wasn’t sure that I could keep putting myself through so many races. Interest in charities started to fade out a little as well. So, rather than fade away into obscurity, I chose to just stop for awhile and take a break. The call of my blog would remain this constant voice, beckoning me to sit down and do something again.

I truly love to write now. The subjects nowadays have been both positive/uplifting, and dark. I write about my mental health, and the struggles I’ve encountered throughout my life. I also have more plans to write about my vision or feelings of the world as a whole. Life as seen through the eyes of Zombie. For anyone that’s not aware, I’m Zombie. The name I’ve carried now for many a year. Earned by lack of sleep due to odd working hours, night terrors, reoccurring dreams, and fear of what might happen if I close my eyes. These hazel eyes have seen much and now it’s time to share how they view everything.

The idea of writing a book has crossed my mind and I’ve started throwing some things on here, saved for another day. I write mostly by my mood, what I’m feeling, or just something that catches one of my senses. I can hear something, perhaps Spring time birds, or smell a food. The sound of music is always the closest to my soul and can bring about so much. That’s actually what sat me down here tonight, music.

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At this point in my life I feel like I have so much to say and not enough time to say it all. I’m unsure why I feel like this, but I’m driven, and inspired. I pour my feelings out onto this keyboard in hopes that it touches someone, anyone. I write for myself, but also for others. Maybe my feelings of never being heard throughout my life are what make me sit here. I feel as though I actually have an audience that hears me. Feels some of the things that I feel and for a moment, we connect.

Writing has become therapy. It helps to unload some of the heavy weight that I’ve carried for far too long. It seems to smooth out the rough edges, and helps me to breathe. I’ve wondered before why this didn’t come about earlier, why now. I feel that it’s my time now, it’s just that simple. I wasn’t in the right space to open up and put things down on paper, or computer screen. I’d locked so much away that now seems to be shaking loose. I’m compelled to write. Compelled to say the things that just maybe make someone smile, or even cry. I tell my sister often that when I sit here and type my blogs, if I cry at the end, I know it’s good. True story.

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I’ll keep writing until I feel that all the dark corners are cleared out. I’ll keep writing until I feel that my heart is full. I will keep writing because I’m compelled to do so. I want you all to share this journey with me. There is oh so much more to come! So, sit back, grab your phone, or get in front of your computer, and get ready to view life through the eyes of Zombie.

Thank you so very much for reading.

~Zombie~

I See You

June 10, 2023 / Zombie / 2 Comments

I love to get on my blog and just hammer away on the keyboard in hopes of perhaps making a change in someone, to touch, or inspire. Yes, I love talking about my running and upcoming races, but I also feel the need to touch on subjects about life.

A friend of mine reached out recently after my last blog posting to share some of her feelings. She wanted me to know that she enjoyed my writing and wished, so much that she could go out and enjoy the same feelings that I do on a run. She’d even stated that she would love to be able to just walk a 10K. You see, my friend Dawn is fighting several different diseases that affect her on a daily basis. She said, “Each day I wake up, I just wait to see what will happen next”

This strikes a cord with me. This is also why I stay humble in what I’m doing. “We don’t have to run, we get to run”. That says it right there. Running is a gift, one that should never be taken for granted. I find that when I run, and think about the many people that can’t enjoy the sport that has changed my life, it drives me even more. I want to carry them with me, on each and every run! I want them to have the feelings that I do, or perhaps see some of the beauty that I’ve witnessed out on the road. Hazy sunrises in the park, or huge green pastures with the most adorable cows running along with me! Star filled skies in the middle of the night, and all of God’s creatures, great and small, have at some point, crossed my path.

I think that perhaps I’ve carried on with my RunZombieRun theme all these years because this is my way of bringing a piece of my world to all of them. To Dawn and all of the many out there that struggle, “I See You!” I see you every time I lace up, every time I type out a new blog posting, or sign up for an event. You all are what make this so special.

“Run with purpose.” I find that running with a purpose makes the distance that much sweeter. It makes it about more than just about myself. I have been gifted the responsibility to see others, and to care. It’s something that I cherish…always. I’ll be running for my friend Dawn in the upcoming Toledo River Run on July 1st. I’ll carry her name with me so that she will know she matters, that I see her, that I hear her while I’m on the course. It’s important that we recognize everyone, and understand the struggles that others go through just to get up in the morning. I want this event to be dedicated to my friend Dawn. I’ll be passing on the finisher’s medal to her once I’ve completed the race because she’s the true warrior. She deserves to be recognized. Yeah, I see you Dawn, and I’m honored to lace up for you this July 1st. Thanks for being my friend all of these years, and for never giving up! I see you my friend.

I’ll see you on the road…

Zombie

The purpose driven runner…

July 29, 2021July 29, 2021 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I know that it’s been awhile and I always promise to get things out sooner. For some reason, life always gets in the way. The job is insane right now and everything is back to moving at light speed. When this happens, I like to find my purpose and stay focused on what’s important to me. You just know that it includes running!

I’ve been lucky this year and managed to make my way into both the Boston Marathon (the virtual version). I’m just never going to be fast enough to qualify…lol! I’m also taking on the challenge of running for Team For Kids and doing the NYC Marathon this November! I’m so excited to be going back to the streets of New York and taking in all that it has to offer. It’s bitter sweet going this time, as the last time I went there, my sister was hospitalized and had gone through a double lung transplant. I ran with a heavy heart and upon my return, handed my finsher’s medal over to her. She was the one working through so much, and battling for her very life. I was honored to share the medal with her.

My sister passed away earlier this year from complications with the transplant. I’m not sure how to express the feelings that I have and always struggle saying the right things to family members about it. So I turn to what I know and what has always helped me deal with tragedy. Running…

I’ve joined the Team For Kids and have stated that I’d raise funds to assist their cause. Team For Kids takes this money and works with youth to give them a positive way to deal with life, sets up and assist with running teams and coaches. It’s a very positive way for at risk kids to find outlets that can make their lives better, to give them hope for the future. That speaks to my soul. Coming from a very poor family and being an at risk kid, I totally understand the set backs that can occur. I tell people all the time that running saved my life. That my friends, is a very true statement!

I thought of my sister when I was looking for a team to join up with. She was always about giving back and caretaking. Probably what drew her to becoming a nurse and staying in that career her entire adult life…all the way until her passing. Running is always better when you have a purpose. You feel those that are counting on you and want to finish your journey knowing that you made some kind of difference. I think it’s safe to say that doing this would make my sister proud of me.

If you are at all interested in assisting me in raising funds for Team For Kids, I’m listing my link for donations at the bottom of this blog. It’s a secure link and funds will go directly to the Team For Kids. Feel free to look on their website for more information on what they do and how special these people truly are. Kids are the future!

I want to close this out by telling you all that I plan on running my very best this year in New York. The marathon distance is truly a life changing event and while I enjoy the challenge that it brings, it’s always a struggle to complete. I know in my heart that those I have lost will travel with me…I just feel it! I want to achieve great things with my running and I want to show everyone that even one small town runner can make a difference in the world. We have the power within us to bring about change for the better.

Thank you for always following me and cheering me on! Thank you in advance for any and all donations that you share with my Team For Kids!

I’ll see you on the road!

~Zombie~

Link to my personal page with Team For Kids is: runwithtfk.org/Profile/PublicPage/87630/52381

Utah and beyond!

February 7, 2020 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Hey there all you Zombies!

We’re quickly closing in on our 1/2 marathon challenge in Utah! The race is on the outside of Zion National Park and promises to be beautiful. I’ve never been to Utah, so it goes without saying that I’m super stoked! This will probably be a run/walk situation as Karla is still nursing a bum knee. I’ve not gone the half marathon distance in awhile, but hey…they’re only miles…yes?

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I’ve signed up for a 5K coming next weekend…the Get Lucky 5K held in Lucky Ohio. Fellow running nerd Dianna Ashton is the race director and all around cool lady, so how could I miss this? It’s mid February in NW Ohio…what could go wrong? LOL!!

The next run up following Zion…which is held on Leap Year (February 29th) will be one of my local favorites. The Great Black Swamp Festival of races. This will be in the later part of March and offers a 5K, 15K and 25K distance. I’ll be slugging through the 15K this year. I’m feeling pretty confident with the 10 mile range right now. Nice training run prior to the big local event in April…The Glass City Marathon. I’m doing the full marathon for the first time here in my home town. My sister Leanna has offered to run along and keep an eye on me…lol! Keep me from mis-behaving. 🙂 The Glass City will also be a run/walk go for me. My goal is to beat the 6 hour cut off and finish.

I received in the mail today my “In Training” shirt for the Dayton AFB Marathon that’ll be in September. Anytime you have an “In Training” shirt it gives you an extra boost when training. Well, it does for me anyway…lol! My sisters and I will be returning after doing the full marathon 20 years ago this year! I’m very excited to knock this one out and get another great memory photo with family to add to my collection. My sister Gini and I did this same marathon a short bit after I finished it with my other sisters. We trained an entire Summer together and I have to tell you, it was one of the highlights of my lifetime. Gini finished her first marathon and I was a part of it. I was so happy for her and super proud. In 2018 only 1,298,725 people finshed a marathon…World Wide! That put my sis in some good company. A very small percentage. Gini was the recipient of a double lung transplant in 2018 and is no longer able to compete. So, while she can’t compete in Dayton come September, we’ll be out there doing it in her honor. Like I’ve said before, running is always better when there’s a purpose. We got you sis!

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New York…what can I say, I’m a sucker for the call of this race. This year is the 50th Anniversary of the New York City Marathon. My bride and I have put our names into the lottery in hopes that lightning will strike twice! I was lucky enough to have my name pulled back in 2018 and completed the marathon on a picture perfect day. I was truly moved by the people of New York and the way in which they organize and run this race. I can’t tell you how many times I found tears streaming down my cheeks or the constant chills when I’d see entire streets covered in a sea of people…all cheering for the runners. I’ve never had a feeling like this in my life while running a race. That being said, the only thing that was missing in 2018 was my bride next to me. She was there and cheering me on, but not in the race. I was willing to beg to get her to sign up and be a part of it this year. The 50th running is going to be something super special. I’ve already decided that if my name is not pulled, I’ll look to gain entry through a charity. This goes back to what I was saying before…running is always better when there’s purpose. I’m considering just getting in with a charity now…because it feels like the right thing to do. New York was so very good to us and we were able to share some quality time with an old friend of mine from High School (Jolene Siana). Jolene was a fantastic Ambassador of the city and had much to share with us. I hope to see her again on this next trip! Thanks Jolene! (Photo credit Jolene Siana)

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I’m feeling pretty good still and staying with my work outs. I hit the gym today to continue to build strength needed to complete these races. The stronger I can get, the easier it’ll be to complete the heavy mileage needed. Diet is getting better and I’m hopeful that I can get leaner as we get into the Spring, Summer months. I’d like to be in peak form for both Dayton and New York City.

I know many of you reading this are looking out your doors/windows and seeing the snow. Cold air bites at you at every turn. Don’t let it get the best of you. I like to find the good in each season. I’m not a fan of Summer, but it does have it’s beauty and benefits. Winter can be looked at the same way. Trails are less traveled and that leaves the door open for you to adventure. YakTrax are a nice idea to purchase if you want to get better footing during the Winter months. They make a couple different versions and are wonderful for getting moving. Winter gear in this day and age is far superior from what it was years ago. You can buy items that are thinner and warmer now. Layering is the key. So get outside and play! If you really don’t feel like that’s for you, join a gym and pick up some heavy stuff! LOL! Whatever it is that keeps you moving and feeling good, do it!

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I’ll keep doing my thing and will continue to post more updates on everything going on with my running. I feel good about this year, and motivated! Let’s make 2020 one for the record books.

I’ll see you on the road!

~Zombie~

The Race I Love To Hate!

January 20, 2020January 20, 2020 / Zombie / Leave a comment

January running in N.W. Ohio can be a challenge…I think we’d all agree there. A particular race that is always scheduled around the third week in January (The Dave’s 10-miler) is said to be the race that can give you blizzard conditions or 65 and sunny…lol! I’m here to tell you that it’s very true and I’ve experienced both…several times now.

I signed up for the 10-miler, scheduled for Sunday, January, 19th this year. Mother nature was not messing around! This race starts at 2 p.m., which this year was a very good thing. We had a major storm roll through the day prior that dropped 4-5 inches of snow, which then turned to freezing rain and then rain. Temperatures steadily dropped until they reached sub-zero during the overnight (the night before the race). Winds of course had to be a factor and cranked up. This was both good, because it cleared the moisture off the road, but also bad because it kept the temperatures in the single digit range all through the run.

My lovely bride and I got to the race, picked up the bib/shirt packet and prepped for the start of my run. I was originally scheduled to start at 1:30 p.m., a full half-hour before the regular start as I’ve been doing mostly run walking and have just been working my way back up to higher mileage. 2019 was a nasty year for my body and I had concerns of not being able to finish all 10 miles. Once I had my bib in place, we headed out looking for the starting line. In true Robert Neeley fashion, I never checked inside the school to see where exactly the starting line was at. In prior years, this race was run from a different school, so it had an all new starting line. Once we realized we had no idea where the starting line was, we found a friendly runner that gave us a heads up on where to go. By the time we reached the start line, it was 10 minutes past my 1:30 p.m. start. The starting line dude gave me the choice of taking off on my own or starting at 2:00 p.m. with the regular race people. I opted for the 2:00 p.m. start so I’d have people to follow…lol!

Just walking back and forth between the car and the starting line let me know that this was going to be a serious challenge. My face quickly became numb from the cold and once again, I had doubt running through my body. Once the rest of the runners came outside and packed together for the race, I realized I had to make the best of this. Along with that, I had promised numerous friends and family members that I would represent them during this race. My Pink Warriors! Women that are currently fighting or have fought through breast cancer. This disease has plagued so many around me…I needed to get out there and do this, carry them and remember how they’re fighting.

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Once I got rolling, I realized quickly that my face and eyes were going to be an issue throughout the run. My eyes watered steadily during the first mile or so due to the heavy winds. I’m one of those people that is unable to cover my mouth/nose area when I run. I so wish I could, but I tend to panic when they’re covered. Most of my body felt pretty good and I felt like I’d prepared my clothing well enough. The wind was just freezing! Thank goodness the roads were clear and not until later in the race did we get any kind of snow. The first 5 miles went pretty good. I slowed a little during mile 6 and when I reached mile 7, my knees were just cold. The joints in my body felt like they were seizing up and it was hard to keep a steady pace. I decided then to start alternating my walk/run routine. I had to be careful with the extreme cold not to let my body get too cold during the walking portion. I only allowed myself shorter walks to stay as warm as possible. I was lucky enough to have my best cheerleader (Karla) find me several times on the course and gift me with a kiss each time. By around mile 9 I was really cold and my skin felt burnt. This was again one of those moments that you have to find something inside of you that says “Don’t quit!” I once again reflected on the many women that I’d come here to run for and how much they’d been through. I truly believe that running is something that comes to you easier when you’re doing it for someone else. (Running with purpose) I pushed on, found Karla once again, walked with her for a short stretch and then ran the final 1/4 mile into the finish line. What I found waiting at the finish made everything worth while. My good friend Martha Shearman, one of the Pink Warriors was waiting there with my medal and the greatest hug you could ever ask for after running such an awful race. This made it all worth while. Thank you Martha for being an amazing person…you’re a bright spot in this world for sure!

The drive home was a cold one…lol! Karla and I had the heat cranked up and the seat warmers cranked full blast all the way! Pizza was on tap for the evening, along with some down time with family. I couldn’t ask for a better way to end my day.

Remember that we all have moments of wanting to quit…don’t! Whatever the problem, give it your best! Find whatever it is inside of you that won’t let you give up and hold it tightly! When you struggle, I’ve got you!

Future Plans

I’m currently looking over race schedules and trying to decide what I want to take a chance on. I love the Black Swamp Festival of races in March and might give the 15K a go this year. I’m signed up for the Glass City Full Marathon and look forward to completing that for the first time ever. I’ve been going to the gym on a more regular basis and watching my food intake. So far, so good. No major issues with the body as of yet, but I’ve changed up how I train…hoping that keeps me injury free!

Don’t let the Winter stop you or slow you down. There are many things that you can doing during these months. I’m not a fan of indoor cardio but will on occasion jump on the Stairmaster…I don’t recommend it unless you enjoy torture…lmao! Getting outside and just walking on a Winter day can be just as much fun as in the warmer months. It’s just a matter of wearing the right gear. If you have questions or need tips on what I train in while walking, just shoot me a message and I’ll let you know. I find it very peaceful during the Winter…good time to reflect on life.

Thanks for following along and I’ll be sure to do another blog entry soon! As always…

I’ll see you on the road!

~Zombie~

The Ragged Coast (Big Sur)

May 1, 2019May 12, 2019 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Well, we’ve arrived back home after our adventure to the West Coast. Carmel-by-the-sea was the town that we stayed in yet again this year with our favorite Hostess (Michele)! She treats us like family and shares her lovely home with us crazy Ohio peeps. Shout-out to Michele and her cutie of a dog Ben…much love to you both!

We spent most of the week wandering, as we always do. Walking the coastline, hiking parks and just being looky-loos. This year, we traveled a few miles up the road to Big Basin State Park. This park is known for it’s beautiful redwood trees and challenging trails. We set out to roam the 10-mile loop trail on a beautiful sunny day. Once we arrived and figured out where the path actually started, along with navigating a few closures, we headed into a stunning forest full of trees that seemed to reach the sky! The first part of the loop was going really well, but I did notice the temperature jumped quite a bit as we were doing our trek. Surprise! The temps in California can jump substantially in a short distance of travel. We were used to upper 50’s and 60’s in Carmel…well, it had jumped all the way to 88 degrees at Big Basin. This almost caused a “meltdown” in me big time. We hadn’t figured in the higher temps when loading up our gear with hydration. I had a 20 oz. bottle of water along with a snack. For a 10 mile hike in cooler weather, that’s perfect. In 88 degrees of sunshine, not so much…lol! I’m typing this now, so you know we made it…but it was close. I slammed some fluid the minute we reached the ranger station and snack facility. That brought me back to life! All in all, it was a beautiful day, and hike.

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The race this year was spot on for weather. We had overcast skies, cool temps with just a touch of humidity (75%) LOL! Karla and I had a case of the sillies on the bus ride to the start while taking a selfie, and then there was an issue with the window next to Karla. It kept falling open, bringing chilly air into the bus. Now, I don’t mind the cool air, but there were plenty of other runners (Karla included) that didn’t care for that. So, Karla ended up holding the window a good portion of the trip to the starting line. (You’re a good egg Karla Jean).

We met a fellow Ohioan on the bus who just happened to be from the same area that Karla’s brothers live in. She was nervous as all get out because she didn’t think she’d make it before being swept from the course. They allow you to go an 18:30 mile pace before being removed due to time allowed for the road to be closed. We did our best to calm her and gave her some helpful strategy to get through on time. I told her the most important thing was to enjoy ever minute she was out there. Take in the beauty of the course.

We got lined up for the start which consisted of walking up a serious hill from the park we’d been stationed at prior to the race. Once at the top, you cross the timing mat and off you go. I told Karla that I would start out running and we’d just see how the body responded. Who knew my body would feel so good that we just kept running! The first stop wasn’t until about mile 3 and that was to shed clothing and take on fluids. We kept with the run walking thing for over the first half of the race. I thought it best to switch back to walking, as I’d been training for walking over the past month. I didn’t want to temp the running Gods too much…lol! We maintained a very nice pace in the 14 minute mile area. The course was every bit as beautiful as I remembered and I just really took everything in. We stopped and took some pictures, enjoyed the music, dancing and other goodies along the way…including free beer! Right Karla? Everything was just great! Karla hadn’t pushed me too much about running until we reach the last .2 of the course. She absolutely wanted to come across the finish line running. I grumbled, but gave into her request and started hauling butt! We came in pretty fast…which in turn gave us some pretty special finish pictures…lol! (see Karla…we should have walked in and taken better pictures) 🙂

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If you ever have the desire to visit California, this is a great race to do and they offer numerous distances to attempt. From a 5K all the way to a full marathon. Getting into the full is done by lottery…so keep that in mind if you sign up. The 21 miler gives you all the great views and more time to complete. So, it’s walker friendly. This race is definitely a bucket list run…so go do it!

For 2020 we’re taking a year off from California and seeing what other races peak our interest. I’ve put my name in for the London Marathon, but it’s a lottery and chances are super slim. What the heck…there’s only one go around…yes?

In my closing this time, I’d like to give shout-outs to some people that accomplished some goals they’d set out to crush. Alicia Colombaro completed her first ever Half Marathon this year at the Glass City in Toledo! Way to go lady…I’m super proud of you!

Big Michael J. Porter ran his first sub 3 hour Marathon this year…also at the Glass City in Toledo. That is a serious accomplishment brother, I can’t even put into words how cool that is.

Jessica Knapp…who continues to do amazing races all over the place! She marched through tough weather to finish multiple distance races over the weekend…on trail! Congrats Jessica!

Thanks to my wife Karla Jean for helping believe in myself during the 21 miler. As some of you already know, I had a rough patch this Winter that caused me to need a surgery, followed by getting pneumonia. Prior to all of this, my left knee was giving me all kinds of issues. I’ve stayed true to my walking, pushed every day to reach recovery and with Karla’s belief in me, we had an awesome race! I’m proud of myself for knowing my limits and yet, still pushing right up to the edge of them.

The Big Sur 21-miler is in the books for 2019 and I’m hopeful for an excellent training season this summer to prepare for my first attempt at a 50 mile Ultra Marathon. More on that as we move through the season. Thanks to all that continue to follow, and please, keep on following. Things will get interesting as the year passes. You never know where and when I’m going to show up! This Zombie can still run! Continue to push yourselves for whatever goals you’ve set and rock them! I’m always available to meet up and do a hop with those in need of a partner. I have a great cast that are also available. (Karla, Patti and Leanna) Now get outside and play!

I’ll see you on the road!

~Zombie~

New York City Marathon Wrap-Up!

December 3, 2018December 3, 2018 / Zombie / Leave a comment

The anticipation of waiting 9 months for a single race, at times can be overwhelming. I signed up for the lottery drawing sometime in January for a race that is held in November. The odds were heavily against me getting in, but I thought…what the hell!

I’d sworn off doing another marathon after getting into the Big Sur last year. The distance is tough and the training is time-consuming. Not to mention, I’m getting older and things just love to break…lol! I’d had to go to my favorite foot doctor (Dr. Gregory Black) in the previous year and was telling him about the Big Sur Marathon. He then told me, “if you want to make a marathon your last…make it New York City”. He went on to tell me all about the race and that it was bucket list run for him. When I’d left his office, it seemed to stick in my head…I really should do that race. Thanks for that Dr. Black!

So, after the craziness of going through the sign up procedure, handing over my credit card number first, the waiting game began. The lottery system is done in a single day and they tell you that the way you usually find out first, your credit card is charged the almost $300.00 entry fee. (ouch!) I was working afternoon shift on the day of the drawing. I kept checking emails and my credit card account through out the day. Just before I left for work, I got a hit on my credit card for the entry fee! I was pretty sure at that time that I was really getting in. I started seeing social media light up with people who had received emails and was stressing because I hadn’t received an email. Deep into my shift…around 10:20 p.m., I received “the email”! I read it through several times and it really didn’t sink in at first. Then the rush of emotions hit…I announced to my co-workers that I’d been selected to participate in the New York City Marathon! I’m a crybaby….so, I may have been in tears…lol! The people at work were super excited and very supportive. They knew how much I wanted to get into this race. Now, the date was set and it was official.

The year of races and training went well and I really had no stresses about going to the marathon. Then, one of the races I’d planned to do a month prior, my first Ultra Marathon came up. The Hennepin 50K. I blogged about this race in a prior entry. The race was amazing, the people were so cool and I was with family. The race went well, we all felt great and finished! It wasn’t until I returned home that I noticed my hip didn’t want to settle back in. I had a limp and was sore. I headed for my super Doc (Dr. Odeh—at Genoa Medical). I gave him the run down on what was happening and that I was less than a month away from the New York City Marathon. Once I explained how hard it was to get into this race, I then said…”Doc, you have to get me through this race”! He gave me a shot in the hip and told me to take the next few weeks off entirely from running. Talk about stressful words…stop running? How would I ever finish a marathon if I didn’t keep training.

The day drew closer to leaving for New York and the body was easing on the pain front. I would just have to rest and believe that all the training I’d done during the summer and my ultra would be enough to see me through the race. While the hip felt better, the demons of doubt were hanging around in the back of my mind. Would this be my first DNF?! No, Not the New York City Marathon…I wouldn’t let it happen! There was too much riding on this one.

I’ve shared all about my sister Gini and her fight for life. She received the gift of life in September and received new lungs. She’d been fighting ever since the operation to stay alive and the stress on the entire family was mounting. I wanted to make New York about Gini. This race was dedicated to honor my sister who has been a care giver for her entire life. I can think of no one more deserving in this world than her. The pain I was going through and would be going through to finish this race was nothing compared to what she’d felt for so many years. The pain she was feeling trying to breathe again and survive. Yes…New York was Gini’s race! I’d finish if I had to crawl across the finish line!

The big day arrived in New York. The city was just a buzz with excitement and you could just feel it in the air. I woke up completely free of stress, none of the usual nerves were going. The calm was almost surreal. I prepared my gear, said a prayer, kissed my wife and left for my bus ride to the runner’s village near the starting line.

The day could not have been more perfect! Cool temperatures, no wind, low humidity and perfect cloud free blue skies! The bus ride to the starting area was wonderful. Getting to see the city in all it’s glory…it just shined that morning! I get it now, why so many seek out New York as their home. It took my breath away. I arrived at the runner’s village, found my area to wait and found a piece of ground to call my own for the next couple hours. I enjoyed a bagel and some other pre-race snacks and listened for my corral to be called to line up. When the moment came…I was ready!

While waiting in the corral with a portion of the almost 54,000 runners that had showed up, I just took the time to take everything in. I was really here and this was the day! I’m not sure if she could hear me, but I was talking to my sister while waiting for the cannon to fire. Telling her that it was time…time to make a turn for the better, time to reach out and grab life!

This race is everything that I’d ever heard and then some! I was greeted at every single turn by thousands of screaming people who were just happy to see you and cheer you on to success. The city wanted you to make it…they wanted you to finish this race, and you could feel it. The love that I felt on this day, at this race can never be matched. In all of my years of running, I’ve never felt anything so wonderful. There were neighborhoods that were having block parties, people sitting on roof tops, hanging out of windows, lining every single street. They were all there to greet you and welcome you to the greatest race in the world!

The miles went by quickly and my lovely wife was seeking me out at several different locations on the course. We first met up at mile 7. Just seeing one another brought tears to our eyes. The emotions from the race, the love from the city, the thoughts of my sister and seeing the woman I love just brought everything to a head. I ran up to her and we hugged and gave a quick kiss. My good friend Jolene Siana (who lives in New York) was standing by, taking pictures and video of our meeting at mile 7. Thank you Jolene for being so amazing to both of us!

Karla was hoping to catch me a couple more times, but getting around the city with the race going can be tough. She caught me at about mile 22…asked me how I was doing. I gave her the standard answer…”everything hurts, but I’m good”. She knows me well and knew at that time that I wouldn’t let anything stop me from getting to the finish. The next miles were just beautiful! I was in the area of Central park, it seemed as though there were even more people lining the streets now. Screaming, cheering fans of all of us runners were just everywhere! I stopped a couple of times to just really take it all in. The beauty of the moment. I wanted to remember this until my last day. I was just about to the finish when I came upon a lady who was suffering greatly with cramps. Her steps were small and you could see the pain she was in. I stopped and offered to help her in…at the very least be emotional assistance. This was when I got to see the strength and drive of a runner. She said “I’ll make it, I’m going to finish, now you go…go on and run”! She kissed her hand and tapped me on the shoulder with it…wow…just wow! I crossed the finish line…it was everything I knew it would be…and yes, I checked on the lady I met…she finished as well! I pulled my phone out and took a picture of the medal resting on my chest. The first person I sent it to was my brother-in-law Jeff Feller. I said “This is coming home for Gini”. When I arrived back in town, we went up to see Gini at the Cleveland Clinic, where I was able to present the finishing medal to her. To see her eyes full of life and the smile on her face, well, it touched my soul.

If you ask me today would I run it again, I’ll tell you No. I could never script a more perfect day! I’ve been spoiled by this beautiful day, perfect weather and a wonderful cast of runners. This was not only a bucket list run…it was a run of a lifetime!

Thank you to all the many people who followed me during this race. To my co-workers for being so loving and supportive. To my wife for going many miles around New York just to see me for moments. To my friend Jolene for making us feel how wonderful her city can be, and to all of you people that continue to follow me through my running and life adventures. I’m grateful for every step I’m able to take and enjoy sharing them with all of you.

I’ll see you on the road!

~Zombie~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

causes

The Intersection of Mental Health and Truth: My Journey

Breaking the Male Psyche: A Call for Change

It’s not you, it’s me

I’m compelled to write

I See You

The purpose driven runner…

Utah and beyond!

The Race I Love To Hate!

The Ragged Coast (Big Sur)

New York City Marathon Wrap-Up!