Hell is empty and all the devils are here. I had this tattooed on my leg a few years back with a very dark fallen angel. Its how I felt at the time and actually for a good portion of my life. I’ve seen the worst in humans and continue to wonder if/when they’ll ever shake out of it. Unfortunately, I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I think I’ve seen all that I need to see during this election cycle to understand that humans are not only flawed, but ugly. The devils are here on earth.
I’ll tell you all now that I’ve never been a fan of the two party political system in this country. It has brought about this perpetual cycle of “voting for the lesser of two evils.” The pendulum swings back and forth, all the while no one at the street level sees any kind of change in their world. That is what one of the candidates tapped into. The underfed, held down and angry found some kind of champion in him. All of the outsiders found a path to him as well. The darker among us feel at home when someone rages against “everyone else” because we know that someone has to be blamed for all the wrongs in the world. This is not new to American politics, it’s been going on for many generations. Anyone who has had to migrate to our shores has been pushed around at some point. The devils always find a way to manipulate you into believing that “they” are the reason for all of your problems. “They” are the reason you never get ahead. “They” steal your jobs, take your housing and go directly after your tax dollars. Hate is easy and the devils know it.
While I’ll never understand how someone can cheer for such anger and bitterness, I understand it. The problem here is that because I come from the shadows, I too know how to manipulate and set fires simply for the joy of watching them burn. I understand the desire for power and control, but I also know where that leads. Those that choose to follow such a path are destined for failure and unhappiness. Nothing will improve with what we’re doing here, it’ll only create further division among us. While you’re cheering on someone taking control of the country, and placing blame on groups of “they”, you’ll soon find that the promises of betterment were nothing more than an empty promise made by the devils. At this point, so much will have been stripped away, we won’t recognize this country, our government or those around us.
I was promised a better life when I joined the underworld. I was promised money, power, protections, but they all came at a cost. Don’t think that this is any different. The devils are good at offering things that appeal to your needs and desires, but then fall short on the delivery. As I asked in my last blog, “what are you willing to do to survive?” You’d better think long and hard on that one because you’re about to be tested on a much larger scale. I know what I’m willing to do, and I know what I’m capable of. I’ve been fighting against devils for the better part of my life. I want so much to be able to walk in the light and not ever have to worry. I’m finding myself at a crossroads again.
My first reaction to the election news was that it was time to wall up and go back to what I know, where I’m comfortable. Trust no one and be ready at a moment’s notice to step on your throat. Yeah, I’m there. Darkness has been calling to me in this 24 hour period and offering me the things that I seek. The devils that I know are speaking to me, and the message is clear. I’ve been here before, and hoped I’d never be here again.
Those that walk among us and feel that this is the way to a better life, hope and happiness, be ready. The promises will be hollow and your soul will be left with nothing. I’m sure that some may think, “you’re blowing this way out of proportion.” I’d like to hope that that’s case, but the devils have requirements and will be looking to feed their insatiable appetite. Promises have been made on how things will move forward. Promises to others who wish to feed from the table of deceit.
What are you willing to do to survive? Sit and ponder that. Think of where you’re at in your life and what you’d like to see going forward. Ask yourself the honest questions and take a long hard look in the mirror. What is it that you see in your reflection. Is it anger, hatred, bitterness? If so, the devils are here on earth and are ready to make you an offer that you can’t refuse. Just know that once you go down that path, it’s much harder to get back. If you’re feeling some of the things that I am, I see you, I feel your pain as well. We have to make a choice as well. Do we fall in line with the devils, or do we make our own way through this darkness? Either way it’ll be a struggle, and the struggle will come with a cost.
I’ve always been the kind to speak my mind and from my heart. This is no different. I will align myself with those that I hope will guide me through darkness so that I don’t falter. I need the guidance in some areas because I know how to move about in the darkness very well. As I stated, it’s comfortable to me. I want to be the champion of the story. I don’t want to be the fallen angel that lands on this earth with all of the devils. I’m hanging on today with everything that I am. I fear for the future and for the lives of the many that could be harmed in the future. I can only promise that I’m alright today.
Being that we’re in the month of October, and everyone is prepping for their scary season. I thought I’d ask, what scares you? I mean what is so unsettling to you that it feels as though it grabs your soul? I have phobias for sure. I’m unsettled by tight spaces, heights, and even basements. (Thanks to my sisters) When we lived in our house on Nevada, it had a pretty good sized basement. A set of stairs that went down and stopped midway where there was a small landing and a side door to the home. The stairs then continued on into the basement. There was a main room, and then split off from that were a couple more rooms. One had the washer and dryer, there was a shower room in the corner of that and then there was another smaller room that was off of that. Of course the usual furnace, water heater and such were down there. To most, it would appear to be pretty normal stuff. The space under the stairs was always creepy to me and I didn’t care for it. My sisters knew about this, and one day decided to run up the stairs together and lock the basement door. From there they began telling me all of the creatures that were underneath the stairs that were going to come out and get me. Once I was finally let out, I screamed all the way to the living room where I attempted to get under the sofa. I was absolutely petrified. Needless to say, nightmares ensued. I’ve never been a fan of a basement to this very day! I’m in my 50’s now and still look over my shoulder when walking up the basement stairs. In the back of my mind, the kid from so many years ago is still in there and he’s still terrified. It never goes away.
When it comes to people, there are literally a handful that have scared me in my life. A couple of the darkest moments will probably soon be revealed in counseling. The last session really dug into something. Amy said that it’s the first time that I showed fear. I felt it when we were talking. It took me to a place that made me want to scream like that kid running from the basement. I wanted to dig my way underneath a sofa in the worst way and never be found. The very idea of facing your fears can be trauma in itself. Staring at something that you really don’t want to. I’ll ask you to think about that for a second. Is there an event in your life that makes you feel this way? Something that makes you feel like a kid that wants to hide underneath something in order to make the feelings stop? Hold onto that for a moment.
I’ve found while doing these blogs that there are others that have fears, and have lived through events that haunt them to this day. While I tell the story about the basement, it’s just to give you perspective. Everyone has been scared by something like that as a child. While I still have my feelings about basements, I walk up and down in mine all of the time. My biggest fear in my life is facing my own thoughts. Yep, it’s true. That’s where all of the blackest things reside. Events that I thought I put to bed years ago, loss of persons in my life, hunger, struggle, all of it’s there. Let’s go back to the words of my sponsor, “stay out of your head, it’s a bad neighborhood.” Yes, it’s a bad neighborhood. The question is, do I want to leave it as such, or do I want to try to turn it around?
Here’s a free piece of advice for anyone that suffers from darkness. It doesn’t go away on it’s own. You can’t bury it, you can’t will it away, it needs to come out from whatever basement that you’ve left it in. Once you dig it out, face it head on. Will it be scary, hell yes! I know that the next time I go to see Amy we’ll be doing just that. The reason why I will follow through with this is because I want to feel better, I don’t want to be scared anymore. I don’t want to have the darkness reside in my head and fester. If left unchecked, it only manifest into much uglier things. This I promise you.
You may have noticed on my last blog entry that I used my given name “Robert”. This is something that was also discussed with Amy. You see, Zombie it’s been decided is the darker side of Robert. While I’ve held onto the title and used it many times, and even in a fun way. It’s almost like it’s an alter ego. Zombie is who holds the secrets. The fears, the things that scare me. The eyes of Zombie have seen much and we believe that it’s time for me to step away from that. I won’t be changing my blog name, as it’s still fitting for what I do and what I write about. The Zombie File is the files of the many things that have been witnessed, both good and bad. I’ll continue to step back into those times, gently, because there are still stories that need to be told. With each blog entry I feel relief. So, I’ll just keep doing this until there’s nothing left to say.
Tonight, while I’m asking you to visit the darkness, I’m also letting you know that there’s hope. (I know Amy, here’s the sprinkles–inside joke). Ask yourself what scares you and think about visiting those spaces. I don’t want you to do it alone, but I’d ask that you work towards that. If we clear out the ugliness, then perhaps we can enjoy the darkness the way it should be. “Without darkness you can’t see stars”.
I’ll be taking my steps in a little over a week, and facing what broke me. What made tears come to my eyes, tightness to my throat, shaking of my hands. That’s the level of scared that I feel. I know that with the help of Amy, I will no longer want to run and hide under that sofa. I won’t have to be scared anymore.
I totally understand why anyone that struggles with any kind of mental illness doesn’t want to talk about it. Why they don’t want “others” to know. Once you do, once the genie is out of the bottle, you can’t put it back in. That leaves you vulnerable to judgment by those that don’t understand, or just don’t care to understand. It’s taken years to get to the point that I’m at now, but don’t think that because I blog about my issues that it makes everything o.k.
Some might think that what I write about is brave, or that it gives them a better perspective on the rest of the world outside of their own. There are some that think the topics I touch on are too taboo. They feel that what I speak about is “too much”. That perhaps I’d be better served keeping this to myself, or dialing it down. The very reason I started touching on the topic of mental health is because it does reach everyone. There are just some that refuse to believe that they might struggle themselves. That perhaps they have their own secrets.
Since I’ve started this direction of writing. I’ve had some very positive responses, and have found it’s opened a door for others to explore their own world. That is thrilling to me! I love that perhaps the pain I’ve carried can somehow be of service in the long run. Then there’s the uneasy feeling that when I’ve written something that I’m looked upon differently. A certain sympathy look, or perhaps a look of being dismissed because they know that “you’re not well”. I feel it, trust me.
One of the things that is the most bothersome to me, is when my word is questioned. Growing up with nothing made me painfully aware that the only thing that I do have is my voice. Along with my voice is my memory and the ability to recall anything. As I’ve stated before, I’ve been “trained” to pay attention to details. Why? Because details matter. This is something that I’ve lived by for the better part of my life. Recently I went through an event that challenged all of this. I felt for a minute like I was truly going crazy, that everything I knew to be right, was now wrong.
“How important is it to be right.” This question was posed to me years ago by my sponsor. My answer at that time was, it’s everything. While I may not always voice my opposition, in my brain I know what’s right. I may not challenge the person, or persons at the time, but I’ve already begun my process into evaluating the situation. I also begin to evaluate the person, or persons that are involved. This again, is something that I’ve done for so long, that it’s second nature. In different circumstances, with less savory people, evaluating improperly can cost you everything.
This all then brings trust into question. My evaluation process lets me know what level I can trust a person. If some are willing to blindly follow and never question, I look at them as a “mark”. I align myself with those that have proven to be strong, question things and seek truth. There’s an intersection between the speaking about mental health and truth. I pass through this intersection on a daily basis. I work in an environment that is painful to who and what I am. I feel alone and singled out at times. I’ve been working on making peace with that, but it’s truly a struggle. When you use your voice and know your truth, and it falls on deaf ears, or is discarded, you’re left to question your place in the world. I’m not one for folding up and walking away, so it usually brings about hostility. My anger and hostility is, and will continue to be my main focus with my counselor. I don’t want to feel this way, yet find myself falling into this comfort trap.
Here’s what I’m looking for with this blog. I want everyone to understand that I may be broken, yes, I have damage that needs care. It doesn’t make me less than. It doesn’t mean that I can’t function within society. I don’t want pity. All that I want is what everyone should want, to be heard, to be seen. The other thing is that there are those of us out there that have experienced trauma that perhaps has made us keenly aware of things that others wouldn’t bother to pay attention to. We see the things that others don’t. I was trying to explain this to a co-worker recently. I stated that it’s a curse, and a blessing at the same time. I wish that I’d never gone through the things that I did, but I can’t change that. I can however take the strengths that it has given me and use them appropriately. The positive that came from the negative. I also want to be clear that I’m not perfect, but a truth seeker.
When you’re around me, when you’re speaking with me, know that I’m very genuine. I speak truth, always. The only thing that I have to offer in this world is my voice. The question is, are you willing to hear my voice?
Let’s have a chat about people in our lives that we have no control over. Yes, that’s pretty much everyone. As parents we feel that our duties are never ending, and in many cases that’s a true statement. Where do we draw the line on things? When does it need to be removed from our plate? I’ll share more of my own life and struggles and let you all decide from there.
I was in a previous marriage that came with two children. I have no biological children of my own, but I felt that I had good wisdom and life experiences that I could pass onto kids. The sharing of a bloodline really meant nothing to me, they’re kids and kids need love and attention. That was something I was willing to do.
I hit the ground running with one closing in on tween years and the other still very much in diapers. I learned quickly that my life was no longer my own and I’d have to make adjustments in all areas in order to be the best father possible. I found it challenging, but rewarding at the same time. Kids after awhile start to act, or sound like you. Mimic your facial expressions, or say silly sayings that you probably repeated while working around the house. Perhaps even singing the songs that were popular in your home. Music was a regular thing in my house, and still is to this day. So, I’m not surprised that my Son is still a music and movie enthusiast. We shared lots of times watching shows, or movies together, and having discussions about them. We didn’t always agree on whether or not it was a good movie, but it was the time spent that mattered. Music was much the same. Different kinds of heavy metal are still something that he holds onto. He plays guitar, and very well. He does this in his free time and continues to teach himself by listening to songs.
My daughter was very much a girly girl. She liked her pink and purple colors. Found amusement in programs such as Dora the explorer (Swiper no swiping) If you watched the cartoon, you understand…lol! Rugrats were a big hit and Barney. Dear Lord that program made me half crazy! Anyway, she enjoyed listening to music as well. Sang all of the time, talked and sang to her “posse” of stuffed animals. It was all good stuff. I was a very hands on Dad and wanted good things for both of these kids. Worked hard to provide them with a good home, food to eat, safety and security. All things that I desired for myself as a child. If they did something wrong, I wanted to explain what it was they did wrong and why I was not happy. I didn’t believe in screaming at them. I know that I hate when someone yells at me I tend to wall up and hear absolutely nothing. If I was going to get through to them, I had to take a different approach.
With age brought all of the usual issues. Nothing earth shattering, kids stuff. Sneaking food late night, playing games in their bedroom until all hours, you know, things we’d do ourselves. The turn of events came when I parted ways with their Mother. There was a lot of not understanding why things were changing and why their parents would be living in separate homes. I was concerned that they’d take ownership of the problem and blame themselves. I had long conversations with them before the split and it continued afterwards. I never spoke poorly about their mother in front of them as I felt it would just cause more damage. She was still mom, even with the feelings that I harbored towards her. It was not their fault.
As luck would have it, the kids spent a good portion of their time with me in my home. That felt right and I enjoyed having them there. I’d grown accustom to them being in my life and wanted to continue to guide them through their lives. I was very protective of them, and when they were away, I worried about what might happen to them. I didn’t feel that the environment they were being exposed to was proper or healthy. It ate at me on a daily basis, but I had to remember something I was told. “You cannot control what happens outside of your home.” A wise woman told me that once, and I’ve held onto it. Another knowledge nugget is this, the three C’s. (Cause, Cure & Control) Use them in a sentence such as I didn’t cause this problem. I can’t cure this problem. I can’t control this problem. Powerful when you sit back and take that in. I had no control of anything outside of my door. I’d learn that that comes even closer, and will include inside my own home.
My son and I reached a point where I felt he needed to find direction. To decide what he needed to do with himself. By this time I had remarried and he was living in our home, working part time jobs and playing video games…lol! I felt that he isolated too much and should share time, space and energy with the group more often. I also am a big believer that if you live under the roof provided, you partake in work around the house. Do things without having to be told. Small stuff, but important, at least in my eyes. We had a parting of ways once he was over 18 and I asked that if he didn’t want to follow my rules, that he find somewhere else to stay. Was that harsh? Some might think so, but again, the person that I am and what I’ve gone through, I felt it was necessary. If there’s always a safety net waiting for a child, they’ll never step up and learn on their own. You’ll just become a codependent and they’ll learn nothing. I will tell you that after some time apart, my son is part of my life again. We speak about life more now as adults and work through whatever is going on in either of our worlds. He’s taken that leap, and stands on his own two feet now. Was it hard for me to do this? Absolutely! Don’t think for a minute that it didn’t hurt inside, but if I’d left him to just keep going along as he was, I don’t think he would be the man he is today. He works hard, pays his rent, loves his dogs, plays his guitar and listens to his music. He’s capable of living on his own. I could not be more proud.
My daughter had a harder time. She was constantly seeking the attention and approval of her mother. Something that would never come. It was heartbreaking to see her chase after smoke in the air, but I had no words that would make her feel better. As a teen she became more destructive, both to herself and others. Poor life choices started to stack up. We talked about all of this and decided to get her to a counselor to try to work through all of her feelings. It felt like progress was being made, but the demons were always there for her. The ever patient, harmful demons called to her and made her into someone that I wouldn’t know. The cute little girl that I’d shared so much with reached a point that I had to take a step back.
The counselor that I’d been taking her to recognized so many things in me. That’s where the bridge began. I picked up going to the very counselor that I’d been taking my daughter to in order to figure life out. It started with all of the guilt I was feeling about the kids. How could this have happened? What had I done wrong? How could I fix it? I had to learn then that the actions of others was something that was beyond my control. My children were not off limits to this rule. They were actually the ones that I needed to hold these rules in place for the most. They were the closest to me, dear to my heart and I loved them both! The three C’s come back into play here. (Cause, Cure & Control) The demons that my daughter has were not something that I caused. I did my best and offered numerous years of counseling, love and support, so I couldn’t Cure her. Her life choices are her life choices, so I have no control over them. By the time they reach adulthood, those choice can have severe consequences.
There are many that didn’t understand how I could “just walk away”, or “how can you do that to your child?” From the outside looking in, it’s easy to make calls like that, cast judgment on someone for being so “heartless.” My heart is full and has been for these kids from the minute they came into my life. There are some that would have you believe that because you don’t share bloodline, you don’t really understand what it feels like to be a parent. Yes, people have said that, out loud to me. Biological mothers and fathers all over the planet can be some of the worst humans around, so I’d say that I’ve done a pretty damn good job as a “Step-Parent”.
Life is messy sometimes, we all know this. If you follow this blog, you know first hand just how messy my life has been, and how I’ve managed to hold on all these years. Not everything works out the way I’d like it to, and that is the case with my daughter to this day. We’ve parted ways and don’t speak at all. I did everything in my power to help, or assist her in her life. Each time I was met with resistance, and just lack of common decency. The line has to be drawn in the sand. She was told that if she wanted me to be a part of her life, it would have to be on my terms this time. Think about that. It’s powerful. I took my power back and still let her know that I was willing to be in her life. Manipulation is a tool, and a weapon. I see it wheeled all too often in relationships around me. What is it in a person that makes them think, or feel that you yourself owes them something? In this particular case, I did what I was to do. I raised children with everything I had. All the tools that had been passed on, or learned. I supported any adventures they wanted to pursue, but made clear that their choices, their burdens were not mine to carry. There are some things in life that are just too heavy, and that’s one of them.
If you have someone in your life that challenges your dedication to them. Perhaps questions your decisions you make about your relationship with them. Stop and use those three C’s. (Cause, Cure & Control) Ask yourself how that fits into the situation. I believe in stepping back when someone feels that I’m not giving enough. Relationships, all of them require work from everyone involved. There has to be effort made by all parties in order to find common ground. If one party is unwilling or challenges this, perhaps it’s time to step away. You have permission to do so. Sometimes the focus has to be on yourself. In the end, focusing on yourself will help you to see things in a much clearer way. The weight caused by guilt will be lifted and you’ll find balance.
If you ask me today if I’m alright with how I raised my children, I’d tell you that I’ve loved them with everything I am. That is something that has never changed. Regardless of how things have turned out, I have made all my decisions with love.
These very words run through my head on a regular basis. When I’m thinking about relationships in my life, whether it’s with family, friends, co-workers or my spouse. These people have become part of your world. Some by choice, others are just stuck with you. Navigating someone that struggles with their emotions can be tricky, and I’m sure at times, painful. The best piece of advice that I can give to those around me is to try to remember; “it’s not you, it’s me.”
Relationships throughout my life have been both influential, and cumbersome. Sprinkle in with that moments of happiness and love. I take the development of a relationship seriously. This is mostly because of my inability to trust. Trust, itself is not something that I take lightly, it has to be earned in my world. I don’t just hand it over without taking the time to look you over and through you. It may sound harsh, but it’s a reality that I had to maintain for survival. If you give trust, you’re handing over power to another. That power can then be exploited, and used for harm. Harm that can be both mental and physical. As a survivor, I’ve always been cautious and remain so to this day.
When I talk about trust and relationships, a flurry of emotions start to pulse within my body. I become immediately hardened. When someone wants to enter my “circle of trust”, what is it that they bring to it? “What’s the angle?” I’m sure while you’re reading this you’re thinking, wow, just be friends with someone, it can’t be that hard. I beg to differ. If you struggle with mental illness, if you’ve seen people do and say horrible things, or you’ve witnessed what can happen when the wrong person is let in, you’d get it. We’ll call it damage control, or threat assessment.
Let me tell you about when I first met my wife Karla. We chatted on the computer for awhile before we actually met in person. Even then, I met up with her at a park, somewhere I felt safe, comfortable. In fact, it’s the very same park that I turned my life around in. When I was at my lowest point and had no direction, I went to this park to walk and that turned into some 39 years of running, as well as a purpose to keep going. Karla and I met there for a run and got caught in a rain storm. We finished the run, both soaked from head to toe. It was an amazing moment and I felt something then for her, but I remained guarded. We continued dating for some time and even then, I would sit at a distance from her, in my own home! I was reluctant to get close to her even though she seemed wonderful. We talk and joke some about all of this now, but she can also tell you that it’s not been an easy road with me. We married and started our life together, I was thrilled that I’d met someone that seemed so good, so different from others. A part of my wall stayed in place even then. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Years have gone by and once finally seeking counseling, I was able to sit down and tell Karla everything about my past. Who I was, what I know, what I’ve seen. I was terrified to do this, but with the help of my counselor, I’d gained enough strength to finally truly bring Karla into my “circle of trust.” I’d already played out everything in my head a thousand times. How I’d tell her everything and she’d withdraw and run away. Surprisingly, that never happened. She sat and listened intently to everything. Perhaps even shared tears with me. She never walked away, she didn’t judge, and I was shocked. Her words were “this is not who you are now, you are not that same person and have grown into an amazing man.”
Her words stay with me daily. I need that reinforcement in my brain so that I don’t slide backwards. Because as I stated at the beginning, it’s not you/her, it’s me. Karla was not the one with all of the insecurities, it’s me. She’s not the one that has caused harm to me, those people are gone now. Yet I struggle. The good days far outnumber the bad, but I know now that I can get through the bad days. They won’t keep piling up to become an infinitely high wall.
To tell this now feels right. I want people to know that you can be yourself and maneuver around someone that has been broken, or still remains so. I would only ask that you be patient, don’t judge and actively listen when the person wants to talk. I’m a prime example of someone that usually doesn’t want to talk, although I’ve gotten better. My co-workers can all share stories of what it’s like to be around me when things aren’t right in my world. I close up, stay away and don’t feel the need to talk much at all. This can bring about feelings in them that they’ve done something wrong. That perhaps they weren’t doing some task that has made me angry, or not performed as I would expect them to. When really, it’s just me. It’s just me hanging on at that moment to some kind of sanity. Holding onto the belief that I can feel good again, that my day will improve.
“It’s not you, it’s me” is a powerful message I’m sending to the world. I can care for others, I can love like anyone else, but I have been hurt, and broken. I tell this because if you’re like me and feel at times that you’re sitting on the edge, holding people back, get the help that can make things right again. Please don’t take it out on those around you. It can only become more damaging to everyone involved. Think of it like a child that is a witness to violence or hostility. While some think that some kids are too young to understand these events, it does stay with them. My illness cannot be the cause of someone else’s downfall. I don’t want myself or anyone else that struggles to have to carry the burden of harming. Seek the help and turn the page.
In my closing I want to say that for the first time in my life I’ve been able to say aloud that I struggle with mental illness. Taking ownership of that was important. I’ve come to realize that it’s my health and is no different than getting the flu. There are treatments and there is hope! Getting others to understand that is important to me now. For those that suffer themselves, and for those that love us. Breaking barriers and stigmas, one blog entry at a time.
What is it about the dark that calls to me? Why do I feel so alive during the hours when virtually no one is around? While I was out on a morning walk/run, this was running through my head. I feel so at ease, safe and dare I say, happy.
I’ve always been drawn to the darker side of things. In this case, it’s a good thing, or at least it feels like a good thing. I walk along and gaze at shadows, lose myself in the stars that flow across the sky. At times when the moon is full and bright, it brings a new sensation to the darkness. A powerful glow that has an energy of its own. It teases you with a glimpse of what things might look like during the daytime hours but remains shadowed and mysterious.
I get excited when we have clear skies and the hour strikes that I roll out the door. My start of the day is always a bit slow. I don’t wake up quickly. When working on a day shift, I have to be in place by 6:30 a.m. My alarm goes off at 3:00 a.m., and I wander out to the living room to begin my rituals. This usually requires a beverage full of caffeine, a dog or two surrounding me, and perhaps some music in the background. Once I feel ready, I grab my chosen pair of shoes for the day and head for the door.
Once outside, it’s like magic! I come alive inside! I never fear for my safety and love to just wander and take everything in that the dark morning sky has to offer. It’s a strange bond, or relationship that I have with this darkness. We understand one another, something that I don’t often find in humans. I can just be and allow the darkness to swallow me up. It’s almost as if I’m walking through time.
I see nocturnal creatures such as skunks, racoons, and even a coyote at one point. We’re no threat to one another, and we all understand that. We’re sharing the darkness, each in our own way. I guess the best way to describe it is kind of a picture show, or movie. I can see everything, yet I’m just a visitor, a voyeur of life on the dark side of things.
I’ve felt this way for the better part of my life. I still carry the nickname “Zombie” to this day and for good reason. Don’t get me wrong, the sun can be wonderful and all, but the night sky, well it’s kind of special. As a young kid, I’d sneak out sometimes and wander the neighborhood with a friend or two. We’d go through neighborhoods, or ride bikes to another side of town, all under the cover of blackness. Even then I felt an attachment to the darkness. I’d talk about living in a world that was like this all of the time. That usually didn’t go over well with some of the guys, but I knew I was different, even then.
Through unsavory times in my life, I still found solace in the darkness. My world had become dark, both figuratively and literally. During this time, I found that others would use the darkness to their advantage. They didn’t respect it the way I did. I felt as though they were using what the darkness offered and exploiting its power. While I understood what was going on and why, inside I felt shame for not honoring the bond I forged.
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.comPhoto by Pixabay on Pexels.comPhoto by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Moving forward, I’ve answered the call of the darkness and as I stated, we have a bond once again. I will never allow anyone on my watch to take advantage of such a wonderful gift. I see the darkness for what it is: quiet, uplifting, mysterious and forever changing. I’ll hold fast everything that it shows me each day, and tell others, so that they too can see what my eyes see. All through the eyes of Zombie.
I think we’re pretty much all are aware now that I’m Zombie, yes? That being said, my eyes have seen many things. I may view the world a little differently than most. The more I go to counseling, the more I realize that my view of my life and the world was shall we say, skewed. More darkness than light, more evil than good, and trust was a broken word that held no meaning.
While I do reflect on the past, I try to keep forward momentum. I want to see all that this world has to offer in a more positive light. Take the time to enjoy the sights that so many walk past daily without even noticing. I was one of those people, so I know how easy it is to fall into the trap. Lets take a look if you will.
I’ve been running for some 40 years now. It’s become more of a walking thing than running, more because the body just does better when I walk. In plain English, “shit hurts and shit breaks easier now.” When I’m out on the road the feeling of freedom is abundant. My cares and worries tend to subside. I’m left with just raw emotions. I’ve gone over overpasses and gazed out at a sunset shining down on an open field and just stopped with tear filled eyes. Such a simple thing that is taken for granted. The way the lines from the sun can split clouds and lay gently across the green, lush earth. It’s a work of art!
Then there are the manmade things. Seeing a bridge at dawn. Standing tall and strong with the blue morning sky as a backdrop. Sleek and powerful! Watching the daily commuters hustle over, racing for their lives. Perhaps caught up in their daily grind, thinking of the weekend and what things they want to do, or perhaps a car full of children singing to a song on the radio. I see, hear and feel all of these things.
Wildlife is just everywhere. Birds of so many different origins. Their colors, mannerisms, ways of eating or loving one another. Ground dwelling fuzzy little chunks…lol! They’re always a favorite. Dogs of all varieties that I happen across while on my route. I’ve become fast friends with many and look forward to just seeing any or all of them as I make my way through the miles. I find myself looking for them each time I go on each of my designated routes. If they’re not around, I often wonder if they’re alright. They’re a part of my routine and help to make my day something better. We have a saying on walkabouts. Whenever we see creatures wandering, or looking for food, they’re just “on the hustle, trying to make a living.” Just the same as all of us. Trying to find our way through the world, eat, love, and pray our way into a better life.
I will tell you that I also see great sadness. There are times when I see wandering folks, unsure of who they are, or where they’re going. People sleeping on the street, or in a torn up tent at the side of a bridge. Desperation and fear are also a part of our world. What we see and how we see it are what make us different, unique. Some can pass by things like this and feel nothing. Not even so much as a glance in the direction of this broken person. Others stop and offer food, or a bit of change. Empathy is something that I’ve felt has been lost. If not lost, maybe pushed aside at times. We’ve become numb to the ugliness in the world today. Even if you choose not to see it, trust me, it still resides in all areas, all zip codes.
So, when I walk, these are all things that are happening. I’ve had many ask me “what do you do for all those hours out there?” “Don’t you get bored?” That’s easy, I’m never bored. There is too much going on to ever be bored and it’s never the same. Each time I travel there is something more to discover. While I may be walking the same route that I walked the day before, something is always different. I feel as though I’m meant to feel what I see. I don’t understand why yet, but something in me thinks that if I notice these things, it makes them real. If I write about them, others may know then, and it’s validated. Whether it’s the vision of the city, or the clouds in the sky. These things were meant to be noticed, just like each one of us. We have a purpose and a place in this world. Much like the creatures I spoke of earlier. We’re all on the hustle trying to make a living.
I’d like each of you to take a moment in your day to recognize something or someone that you may not normally do. Really take a look around and feel it. That’s the challenge for today. It’s really not asking for much, just a moment from your busy day. Gaze at that sunrise or sunset that I spoke of. Look at all the birds and fuzzy creatures scurrying about. Let your senses run wild! See things through the eyes of Zombie, if only for a moment.
If you’ve been reading and following my journey lately, you may feel as though I’m sliding downward, or things are out of control. Let me reassure you that I’m a work in progress and yes, there will be tough days, but not all days are bad.
Understand that mental health is an ebb and flow kind of thing. You can ride the highs of great events, time spent with loved ones and just being alive. There’s also the challenges of stress brought about by work, family life, relationships, or brought about by triggers. (In general, when a person is “triggered,” they’re being provoked by a stimulus that awakens or worsens the symptoms of a traumatic event or mental health condition.) I felt the need to add that so that everyone understands when I say triggered, you have some kind of baseline definition. Triggered events are the toughest for me. I don’t know what can bring them on. Sometimes I have no idea why something is upsetting me so much. When this happens, and I have a moment of feeling lost, alone or worst of all rage, I reach out and ask for guidance. While I’m lucky enough to have someone in my “corner” that is a trained professional. There are other avenues that I’d highly recommend to others. Al Anon is a wonderful organization and they hold meetings on a regular basis pretty much in all communities. They’re free and even if you don’t have issues related to alcohol, you’ll find good information in those rooms. This too can help you from feeling all alone.
“Healing begins at the end of resistance and the beginning of surrender.” I found this today on social media and wow did it grab me! When we take the initiative to lower our guard and stop resisting, to surrender, we can find peace. I’ve experienced this on so many levels, that I really felt this quote. Sometimes it’s the simplest sayings, memes, quotes that can make the biggest difference in your mood. It can boost you up and make you feel “normal” again.
The power of writing, reading and music. These things are truly my safeguards. Being able to sit in front of the computer and just pound away on my keyboard is so therapeutic. I’ve found that my brain works in such a way that I need the keyboard to be able to keep up with my thoughts. Yes, I’m a skilled typist. (Thank you Waite High School). I can throw things down and purge them from my brain, good, bad or indifferent. I also recommend writing or journaling things. You can keep them all to yourself, share with others, or write them out and then burn them. I know of many that find that as a way of closure. Reading self help books and poetry can do wonders. Add some great music to any of the above and just wow! I’m currently sitting in front of the computer and listening to scores from movies, one of my most favorite types of music. I bet you’d never guess that!
I want my post to always be thought provoking and hopefully not to much for people to handle. I don’t want to hurt anyone. My time for doing that is behind me now, it’s time for a new chapter in my life. One of forgiveness and healing. I find tears start just by saying this out loud. It takes me right back to a moment sitting with my counselor and her asking me “Robert, when are you going to forgive yourself?” I exploded into tears when she asked me because that was a question I’ve never been able to answer. I’ve held myself accountable for so many things for so long, it just became a part of me. I never thought that I was worthy of being forgiven. Like I said, I’m a work in progress.
I hope that you have a better understanding of humans by reading through my blogs. As a studier of humans in general, I seek to point out things that are both good and rewarding. As I stated at the start and with my title, Not all days are bad. I’ll add to that, not all people are bad. There is a path forward, just seek it. I’ve always been jealous of my wife’s ability to see things from a different perspective. I can be in the throws of rage and she’ll say something that sparks a different thought, which carries into a different reaction, and slows me back down. I don’t think that I thank her enough for talking me off so many ledges over the years. It takes a special kind of person to handle me. Thank you Karla Jean.
In closing; I just want to say that today is a better day. I’ll keep writing, reading and listening to my music. I’ll keep seeing my counselor until we both feel that I’m back on the right track and able to go it alone. When I say alone, I don’t really mean it. I know that there are those out there that will always have my back and my best interest in mind. While I remain slightly broken, I’m good today, and sometimes that’s good enough.
As always, thanks for reading, I’m honored that you all take the time.
I went on walkabout today through some of my usual areas, added a few new ones along the way to keep my brain entertained. My sister by my side and a beautiful day on tap, it looked to be great! We chat about all aspects of our lives along with some of the nuggets we caught on the news. Being that I’d gone to see my counselor the other day, we kind of go over what was discussed and of course any “homework” that I may have to complete.
If I’ve not mentioned this before, going to see someone and talking through things also means that you need to do “the work.” You can’t just stroll into an office, sit on a couch and tell all your tails, and then expect for them to pull out the magic wand and make everything wonderful. It’s just not like that. While I have sat down on a very comfortable couch and unloaded all kinds of “stuff”, I’m challenged. It’s a good thing. The idea of seeing someone is to retrain your brain to stop thinking the same way. To alter the route of your internal GPS! In my case, it also means that you need to find out the reasons for behaviors, or things that cause you mental pain. I’ve learned, it’s not always what I’ve thought was the cause. There are many layers and some take time to bring to the surface.
I want to take this moment and just say that I do these blogs #1 because I’m finding that putting it out here seems to be a form of cleansing. Some might think that it’s “too much information”, or they feel it’s not appropriate to discuss. Yes, I’ve run into that kind of feedback for things I’ve shared. I also do this hoping that it reaches someone else. Maybe someone that’s gone through similar life stories, or perhaps even worse. I’ve certainly heard my share of horror stories from others that in a way, has helped me to. Sharing of painful events with others makes you feel less alone. At one point in my life I thought it best to keep everything to myself and never discuss my life. Someone would judge me and that would of course make my rage even worse. We have a problem in the country with casting people aside just because they’re hurt or broken, and it’s not right.
Secrets and Silence. This is truly something that comes to mind when I think of how I was raised. We weren’t meant to speak our minds or share our feelings, that’s dirty. Secrets were meant to be kept among only a select few. “Why would you want to put your dirty laundry out there for all to know?” I’m betting there’s a few of you right now that have heard that phrase, or one much the same. Some of the most awful things can happen and yet, we’re meant to never speak a word.
In my “past life” I was trained to be a watcher, to not speak, but to listen. I would see things that would disgust me, yet I was to keep it a secret. Never tell, never snitch, or pay the price. I tend to dance around this part of my life still. I’m working on bringing all of it out and sharing it with more than just my closest pack. There are parts of my life that I’m not proud of, but I survived. It took years to finally discuss openly with family members some of the things that went on in my world. Secrets run deep and they change you. It’s as though it’s a form of rot that just builds up inside of your body. Talking about it, while painful, is the way to cleanse the rot. To purge the system.
I’m learning that my story is unfortunately not rare. That others walking about have much worse things still left unkept inside of them. It’s as though I can almost hear the pain when they talk, or feel what they’re feeling when they too dance around the truth. Silence and Secrets is everywhere, and it needs to change. The hurt that people hold takes away from their true self. The inner beauty that was meant to be shared from the start. It’s as if the soul is gone and their eyes show the emptiness that’s been left behind. I wish that I wasn’t able to see or hear these things. I wish others would look for ways to find themselves again. We can’t turn back time, we can’t make all of the bad people that have floated in and out of our lives disappear. We can however claim our soul back! Don’t let the demons win here.
I’ve started this topic, this particular subject on so many occasions and could never finish. I’ve walked away from this computer so many times, unable to really put down what I felt, what I see, how I feel. It’s raw, it’s real, and there’s no shame in feeling the way I do. This I know. I’m again hoping that right now someone reads through this and says I do feel this way and I don’t want to hold onto the Silence and Secrets any longer. I want to have my light, and my soul again. It’s not crazy, none of us are crazy. We’re just damaged and that to is alright. To say that “it’s o.k. to not be o.k.” should be understood in society and embraced. It doesn’t make you bad, it just means that you hurt right now. I’d like to dig deeper into where everything went wrong on mental health. Perhaps I’ll touch on that in another blog.
I’ll close this out by saying thank you for all that read these. I love it when people want to discuss things I write about, or share their insight. Conversation is a good thing and getting to know people like myself that are damaged, you’ll find we still have value. I have the saying on my latest Road I.D. that I wear on my Garmin every day. It says “Broken crayons still color.” I love that. I may be broken but I still have so much to offer. If you’re willing to let go of the Silence, or finally share the Secrets, I promise you there will be relief. You may be broken, but you can still color, and color you will!
Thank you again for being a part of the Zombie File.
Hey everyone! I’m backtracking a little bit today. As you may have noticed, the name of my blog has changed. Previously known as 30races.com has been switched to a more fitting thezombiefile.com. Being that my quest to run 30 races in a year was back in 2015, I thought it was way past time to switch things up and adjust everything. For those that don’t know, I’m Zombie! I acquired the name many moons ago. Mostly due to my lack of sleep and changing work schedule, that remains to this very day. So, welcome to anyone new to my scene and hello again to those that have followed along over the years. I can’t promise to always be a ray of sunshine on here, but I’ll always write from my heart. That’s a promise.
The Zombie life has been an ever changing adventure. I’m still doing the miles, I’ve just switched over to mostly walking. Easier on my joints, and I’m hoping to keep my back intact as long as humanly possible. The obsession that’s come with this are step goals. (Damn you Garmin!) Garmin offers numerous challenges each month for anything from steps, to lifting, running, biking, swimming and yoga. I of course feel the need to place myself in as many challenges as I can during said month. My wife said that we need shirts that say “Garmin made me do it”. LOL!! That’s a very true statement. There have been days that I wasn’t really feeling like getting out and doing anything, then I look at my Garmin connect and see that I may just need a few thousand steps to be in the #1 spot, or as I like to say, “on the podium.” Challenges have their positives, but they can get to you, and bring out not only the competitor inside of you, but if you have any kind of illness that makes you turn obsessed, it can be a bit much. I’m able to push back against my demons and keep things fun. I won’t lie, I’ve gone out and gone around the block just to get back on the podium at the end of the week! I like the view from the top…lol!
I’m starting to get the bug to get after another Ultra Marathon. I know once my wife reads this you’ll all be able to hear her eyes rolling. I don’t know what it is that I have inside me that feels the need to push my body to the breaking edge. I guess I just like to see what I’m capable of and how far I can actually go. You never know until you take the chance on yourself. We did an Ultra a few years back and it was tough. The mistake that I made with that was I was already in training for the NYC marathon. They were spaced pretty close together and I really needed a little extra time to get my body back in order. I did enjoy pushing through though. I’ve been researching races coming up in the Fall, as that’s my favorite time of year to do anything. The only requirement I have is that I need to find a race that allows enough time for me to complete it at my walking pace. For those that don’t know, many Ultra Marathons are done by people that do some running along with walking. Some just walk from start to finish. It’s a little different environment. Geared more towards just reaching the mileage goal. I like that a lot better than killing yourself to have the fastest pace. There’s a bit of freedom to it, and remember, walking means that I’m spending a lot more time on a course than any runner. Plus, the miles are all the same. Be it 32, 50 or 100, miles are miles. I’m trained up enough now that I could do a marathon distance without issue. So, in my brain that means I could do a 50K as well. It’s only like 6 miles more distance, right? I’d eventually like to work my way up to a 50 miler. Karla and I talked about getting ourselves in killer shape and doing something crazy for our 60th birthdays. I like goals!
I’m still keeping in touch with my dietician. More of an as needed kind of thing now. I’ve learned much from her over the past year +. She checks in on my food logs and sends an occasional text to see where I’m at mentally and how my body is feeling. I can’t say enough good things about her. I’ll throw her web address on here for anyone interested. The first chat/consultation is free. She’s done great things in helping find my balance and get rid of nagging stomach problems. Zombie Recommended! https://www.therootedrd.com/
What are everyone’s plans to stay sane and keep healthy in the coming year? I’ve cut out watching the news on a regular basis. I’m listening to more music and will be taking on my first book in quite some time. I’ve always had an issue with sitting still. My brain keeps telling me that there are things to be done. As my sister would say, “self imposed” things, but there are always things that can be done. I do want to escape in good reads though. I plan on writing a lot more, so look out! If I could have a sabbatical and wander off to the mountains, I think I’d enjoy working on my book. I started one that is based on my early life. After discussions with family, the idea of doing a memoir sounds more intriguing. So much is still just sitting inside of me, just yearning to come out. If it wasn’t for an amazing counselor, none of it would ever see the light of day. She’s guided me in a direction that makes me feel safe in my own skin again. Thank you Amy! I’ll throw her information on here as well. Also highly Zombie Recommended! https://www.amylistens.org/
Final thoughts for today. I do still struggle with my own issues, and find it extremely hard to stay positive. The world seems so hopeless at times, and I wonder if I’m alone in these feelings. I want to hear from you folks. I want to know if you have these feelings too. I wish good things for the world. That’s a far cry from the old me in my “past life”. I want to lead others in a more positive direction, we’re all worth it. Keep moving, get the oxygen in the body. Go look at all that mother nature has to offer outdoors. Hey, read a good book! Give more hugs, and listen to one another. I think that all got lost somewhere along the way. I’ll keep working on me, but just know that I’m never more than a text, email or phone call away. While I’ve been accused at times of being heartless, it’s not the case. I actually care. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t bother saying any of this. I hope it touches someone, or inspires. That’s why I started this blog in the first place. Until the next episode.
The zombie file 