After numerous conversations with folks, I wanted to take a minute and go back through why I blog and why I’m writing a book about my life. I also want to touch on what I want or expect from all of this. Let me say first off that I want nothing from you folks. I don’t ask for money, or sympathy. I’m just looking for people who want to know my story and possibly relate to others that may have gone through or are going through some kind of shit. I know how isolating that feels, so if I can write something that touches another human to help them find a way to freedom, that’s really all that I’m looking to do.

“I write for myself.” That’s a statement that I’ve made many times on my blog. I do it to set demons free that reside inside my head. It’s a way of me cleansing things that have made me feel dirty for far too long and I’ve found that it’s good for me. I love the platform of a blog because anyone who feels the desire to read what I put out can do so with no expectations. If what I write touches you, that’s a bonus to what I do. If I can help someone, even better. Just the idea that I’m sitting down and writing about things that have been stuck inside of me for so long is serious progress for me. I never wanted to tell my story or say things about my life to others. Some of that story has been on the outside of the law, so I’ve always worried about that portion. I’ve also worried about people with whom I’ve dealt in my past coming back to haunt me in some fashion. That threat remains to this day. I believe that most are gone now, so there’s a level of comfort in that, but you just never know who knows who, or who is related to someone who might take a shine to things I talk about. This is the main reason that I keep things vague at times. I won’t share places, or persons with anyone outside of my counselor’s office. It’s just not smart.

I’ve had people reach out and say that they feel sorry for me because of what I’ve been through or offer some form of sympathy. I appreciate the gesture, but I want you to know that the choices that I made were my own. While I was a juvenile, and assisted down a path of destruction, there were points where I probably could have escaped, but didn’t. I too got caught up in the idea of money and power. People who have nothing are easy targets for those who would exploit them. I own everything that I’ve done. I also own the person that I became from all of this. What I never wanted to do was be held responsible for my feelings. I didn’t realize early on that all of this would come to the surface later in my life and torture me through nightmares and erratic behavior. If anything, I ask that you all celebrate that I reached out to a professional to get the help that I needed to make things right. That’s what started the whole turnaround. If I hadn’t done that, I’d still be sitting in silence, and the wounds would never have begun healing.

A co-worker told me that after reading one of my blog entries, she understood that I wasn’t looking for sympathy but stated that the next time she saw me she was going to hug me whether I wanted it or not. I will tell you now that hugs are always welcome. They can change a person’s day for sure, so hug away! That’s a thing that I had to learn to be alright with. Spending time with people in Al-anon helped me to get past my issues with people touching me or being too close to me. I’ve learned to be alright with hugs but still have serious issues with people being too close to me. If I don’t know you, you don’t want to get in my “zone.” I have a certain amount of space that I need in order to be able to breath and conduct my business. If you get into that area, I’ll probably give warning quickly. This too is part of growing up the way that I did. People in close proximity are considered to be a threat and threats need to be neutralized.

I’m still learning to be alright with my darker side. Understanding that it’s a part of me that will never go away is important. Being able to control it is necessary. While it’s served me well and made me into a strong and vigilant human, it needs to remain the quieter side of me. I’m working on seeing light and finding happiness in my world. Even in these times of confusion and chaos, I want to believe that there is better in the world. Chatting with others, sharing my story, and listening to those who have been through challenging times is helpful. I never want to feel alone again. If there’s one thing that I’m sure of, I will never isolate myself the way I did for the first part of my life. I will always speak my truth and find a way forward.

So, if you happen to see me around, feel free to speak with me and don’t shy away from any of the topics that I talk about on here. I’ve gotten pretty good at being open about everything. If any of the discussions make you feel sad for me, just know that I’m in a much better place now. No sympathy is required, in fact I’d prefer that we discuss things and keep it on the positive. I survived and I’m here to talk about it today. That’s worth celebrating, and if celebrating means hugs, I’m all in!

Thank you so much for following along.

~Robert~