#digdeep #neverquite #nevergiveup #runzombierun #run #running

The eyes of Zombie

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I think we’re pretty much all are aware now that I’m Zombie, yes? That being said, my eyes have seen many things. I may view the world a little differently than most. The more I go to counseling, the more I realize that my view of my life and the world was shall we say, skewed. More darkness than light, more evil than good, and trust was a broken word that held no meaning.

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While I do reflect on the past, I try to keep forward momentum. I want to see all that this world has to offer in a more positive light. Take the time to enjoy the sights that so many walk past daily without even noticing. I was one of those people, so I know how easy it is to fall into the trap. Lets take a look if you will.

I’ve been running for some 40 years now. It’s become more of a walking thing than running, more because the body just does better when I walk. In plain English, “shit hurts and shit breaks easier now.” When I’m out on the road the feeling of freedom is abundant. My cares and worries tend to subside. I’m left with just raw emotions. I’ve gone over overpasses and gazed out at a sunset shining down on an open field and just stopped with tear filled eyes. Such a simple thing that is taken for granted. The way the lines from the sun can split clouds and lay gently across the green, lush earth. It’s a work of art!

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Then there are the manmade things. Seeing a bridge at dawn. Standing tall and strong with the blue morning sky as a backdrop. Sleek and powerful! Watching the daily commuters hustle over, racing for their lives. Perhaps caught up in their daily grind, thinking of the weekend and what things they want to do, or perhaps a car full of children singing to a song on the radio. I see, hear and feel all of these things.

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Wildlife is just everywhere. Birds of so many different origins. Their colors, mannerisms, ways of eating or loving one another. Ground dwelling fuzzy little chunks…lol! They’re always a favorite. Dogs of all varieties that I happen across while on my route. I’ve become fast friends with many and look forward to just seeing any or all of them as I make my way through the miles. I find myself looking for them each time I go on each of my designated routes. If they’re not around, I often wonder if they’re alright. They’re a part of my routine and help to make my day something better. We have a saying on walkabouts. Whenever we see creatures wandering, or looking for food, they’re just “on the hustle, trying to make a living.” Just the same as all of us. Trying to find our way through the world, eat, love, and pray our way into a better life.

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I will tell you that I also see great sadness. There are times when I see wandering folks, unsure of who they are, or where they’re going. People sleeping on the street, or in a torn up tent at the side of a bridge. Desperation and fear are also a part of our world. What we see and how we see it are what make us different, unique. Some can pass by things like this and feel nothing. Not even so much as a glance in the direction of this broken person. Others stop and offer food, or a bit of change. Empathy is something that I’ve felt has been lost. If not lost, maybe pushed aside at times. We’ve become numb to the ugliness in the world today. Even if you choose not to see it, trust me, it still resides in all areas, all zip codes.

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So, when I walk, these are all things that are happening. I’ve had many ask me “what do you do for all those hours out there?” “Don’t you get bored?” That’s easy, I’m never bored. There is too much going on to ever be bored and it’s never the same. Each time I travel there is something more to discover. While I may be walking the same route that I walked the day before, something is always different. I feel as though I’m meant to feel what I see. I don’t understand why yet, but something in me thinks that if I notice these things, it makes them real. If I write about them, others may know then, and it’s validated. Whether it’s the vision of the city, or the clouds in the sky. These things were meant to be noticed, just like each one of us. We have a purpose and a place in this world. Much like the creatures I spoke of earlier. We’re all on the hustle trying to make a living.

I’d like each of you to take a moment in your day to recognize something or someone that you may not normally do. Really take a look around and feel it. That’s the challenge for today. It’s really not asking for much, just a moment from your busy day. Gaze at that sunrise or sunset that I spoke of. Look at all the birds and fuzzy creatures scurrying about. Let your senses run wild! See things through the eyes of Zombie, if only for a moment.

Thank you so much for reading.

~Zombie~

I’m compelled to write

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I never thought of myself as much of a writer. This all came about by chance, and some motivation provided by my cousin Marilyn who had already been doing her own blogging. I fell into the world of blogging by deciding one year to raise money for Mobile Meals of Toledo.

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My wife had been a long time volunteer who delivered meals to folks who were in need of regular healthy meals but struggled to get this done on their own. I went along with my wife a few times to assist and quickly understood why she was doing this and that this was an amazing organization! They’re great people working on a very tight budget, trying to make sure the most vulnerable would be fed, regardless of income. This touched my soul as I remember as a child what it felt like to be hungry, and longed for regular home cooked meals. I decided I had to do something. I had to find a way to bring attention to Mobile Meals and assist in getting them more funds to keep doing their great work, but what? What could I do?

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Being a long time road runner, I decided to challenge myself to run 30 races in a single year. Why 30? Well, it was to celebrate my 30th year of running. I wanted to take something that had saved me personally and turn it into a year long charity event! All the proceeds, donations from everything that I did would be given directly to Mobile Meals of Toledo. So, we got with the folks at Mobile Meals and I pitched my idea. They were all in! I needed to broaden my social medial footprint and perhaps start a blog. The blogging seemed kind of odd to me and I was never very good at talking about myself. Things needed to change so that I could make this a success.

2015 was the year that I took on this challenge and found myself having one of the best running years of my life! The reason it was so great? Because the running was not all about me. It was for others. I felt all of the people that were in need and it just made me run more, faster, happier! I began to sit in front of the computer and try to describe all the details of my races, how I was feeling, how far I had run, where I had traveled to, everything. Each blog entry seemed to get a little easier. I felt at home at the keyboard. I found that I suddenly enjoyed being a story teller and sharing these details began to inspire others. Some would show up at the races and cheer for me, while others would read my blogs and begin their own fitness journey. Positive strives were beginning to happen on all fronts. This was amazing!

My love for running was just easy for me to talk about. It was my home and my comfort zone. I love to tell people about running in different races, the sights that I’d seen along the way, the people cheering, the sounds and smells. It was just a year that I’ll never forget. I will tell you that I did finish all 30 races that I set out to run that year. Some of my best times ever also came during that stretch. Most importantly, I was able to raise thousands of dollars for Mobile Meals of Toledo and that was the greatest part of it all.

I stayed with the blogging after the that year faded. I began looking for other ways to help groups with my running. After awhile, the body started to be uncooperative and I wasn’t sure that I could keep putting myself through so many races. Interest in charities started to fade out a little as well. So, rather than fade away into obscurity, I chose to just stop for awhile and take a break. The call of my blog would remain this constant voice, beckoning me to sit down and do something again.

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I truly love to write now. The subjects nowadays have been both positive/uplifting, and dark. I write about my mental health, and the struggles I’ve encountered throughout my life. I also have more plans to write about my vision or feelings of the world as a whole. Life as seen through the eyes of Zombie. For anyone that’s not aware, I’m Zombie. The name I’ve carried now for many a year. Earned by lack of sleep due to odd working hours, night terrors, reoccurring dreams, and fear of what might happen if I close my eyes. These hazel eyes have seen much and now it’s time to share how they view everything.

The idea of writing a book has crossed my mind and I’ve started throwing some things on here, saved for another day. I write mostly by my mood, what I’m feeling, or just something that catches one of my senses. I can hear something, perhaps Spring time birds, or smell a food. The sound of music is always the closest to my soul and can bring about so much. That’s actually what sat me down here tonight, music.

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At this point in my life I feel like I have so much to say and not enough time to say it all. I’m unsure why I feel like this, but I’m driven, and inspired. I pour my feelings out onto this keyboard in hopes that it touches someone, anyone. I write for myself, but also for others. Maybe my feelings of never being heard throughout my life are what make me sit here. I feel as though I actually have an audience that hears me. Feels some of the things that I feel and for a moment, we connect.

Writing has become therapy. It helps to unload some of the heavy weight that I’ve carried for far too long. It seems to smooth out the rough edges, and helps me to breathe. I’ve wondered before why this didn’t come about earlier, why now. I feel that it’s my time now, it’s just that simple. I wasn’t in the right space to open up and put things down on paper, or computer screen. I’d locked so much away that now seems to be shaking loose. I’m compelled to write. Compelled to say the things that just maybe make someone smile, or even cry. I tell my sister often that when I sit here and type my blogs, if I cry at the end, I know it’s good. True story.

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I’ll keep writing until I feel that all the dark corners are cleared out. I’ll keep writing until I feel that my heart is full. I will keep writing because I’m compelled to do so. I want you all to share this journey with me. There is oh so much more to come! So, sit back, grab your phone, or get in front of your computer, and get ready to view life through the eyes of Zombie.

Thank you so very much for reading.

~Zombie~

Not all days are bad.

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If you’ve been reading and following my journey lately, you may feel as though I’m sliding downward, or things are out of control. Let me reassure you that I’m a work in progress and yes, there will be tough days, but not all days are bad.

Understand that mental health is an ebb and flow kind of thing. You can ride the highs of great events, time spent with loved ones and just being alive. There’s also the challenges of stress brought about by work, family life, relationships, or brought about by triggers. (In general, when a person is “triggered,” they’re being provoked by a stimulus that awakens or worsens the symptoms of a traumatic event or mental health condition.) I felt the need to add that so that everyone understands when I say triggered, you have some kind of baseline definition. Triggered events are the toughest for me. I don’t know what can bring them on. Sometimes I have no idea why something is upsetting me so much. When this happens, and I have a moment of feeling lost, alone or worst of all rage, I reach out and ask for guidance. While I’m lucky enough to have someone in my “corner” that is a trained professional. There are other avenues that I’d highly recommend to others. Al Anon is a wonderful organization and they hold meetings on a regular basis pretty much in all communities. They’re free and even if you don’t have issues related to alcohol, you’ll find good information in those rooms. This too can help you from feeling all alone.

“Healing begins at the end of resistance and the beginning of surrender.” I found this today on social media and wow did it grab me! When we take the initiative to lower our guard and stop resisting, to surrender, we can find peace. I’ve experienced this on so many levels, that I really felt this quote. Sometimes it’s the simplest sayings, memes, quotes that can make the biggest difference in your mood. It can boost you up and make you feel “normal” again.

The power of writing, reading and music. These things are truly my safeguards. Being able to sit in front of the computer and just pound away on my keyboard is so therapeutic. I’ve found that my brain works in such a way that I need the keyboard to be able to keep up with my thoughts. Yes, I’m a skilled typist. (Thank you Waite High School). I can throw things down and purge them from my brain, good, bad or indifferent. I also recommend writing or journaling things. You can keep them all to yourself, share with others, or write them out and then burn them. I know of many that find that as a way of closure. Reading self help books and poetry can do wonders. Add some great music to any of the above and just wow! I’m currently sitting in front of the computer and listening to scores from movies, one of my most favorite types of music. I bet you’d never guess that!

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I want my post to always be thought provoking and hopefully not to much for people to handle. I don’t want to hurt anyone. My time for doing that is behind me now, it’s time for a new chapter in my life. One of forgiveness and healing. I find tears start just by saying this out loud. It takes me right back to a moment sitting with my counselor and her asking me “Robert, when are you going to forgive yourself?” I exploded into tears when she asked me because that was a question I’ve never been able to answer. I’ve held myself accountable for so many things for so long, it just became a part of me. I never thought that I was worthy of being forgiven. Like I said, I’m a work in progress.

I hope that you have a better understanding of humans by reading through my blogs. As a studier of humans in general, I seek to point out things that are both good and rewarding. As I stated at the start and with my title, Not all days are bad. I’ll add to that, not all people are bad. There is a path forward, just seek it. I’ve always been jealous of my wife’s ability to see things from a different perspective. I can be in the throws of rage and she’ll say something that sparks a different thought, which carries into a different reaction, and slows me back down. I don’t think that I thank her enough for talking me off so many ledges over the years. It takes a special kind of person to handle me. Thank you Karla Jean.

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In closing; I just want to say that today is a better day. I’ll keep writing, reading and listening to my music. I’ll keep seeing my counselor until we both feel that I’m back on the right track and able to go it alone. When I say alone, I don’t really mean it. I know that there are those out there that will always have my back and my best interest in mind. While I remain slightly broken, I’m good today, and sometimes that’s good enough.

As always, thanks for reading, I’m honored that you all take the time.

I’ll see you on the road.

~Zombie~

Silence and Secrets

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I went on walkabout today through some of my usual areas, added a few new ones along the way to keep my brain entertained. My sister by my side and a beautiful day on tap, it looked to be great! We chat about all aspects of our lives along with some of the nuggets we caught on the news. Being that I’d gone to see my counselor the other day, we kind of go over what was discussed and of course any “homework” that I may have to complete.

If I’ve not mentioned this before, going to see someone and talking through things also means that you need to do “the work.” You can’t just stroll into an office, sit on a couch and tell all your tails, and then expect for them to pull out the magic wand and make everything wonderful. It’s just not like that. While I have sat down on a very comfortable couch and unloaded all kinds of “stuff”, I’m challenged. It’s a good thing. The idea of seeing someone is to retrain your brain to stop thinking the same way. To alter the route of your internal GPS! In my case, it also means that you need to find out the reasons for behaviors, or things that cause you mental pain. I’ve learned, it’s not always what I’ve thought was the cause. There are many layers and some take time to bring to the surface.

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I want to take this moment and just say that I do these blogs #1 because I’m finding that putting it out here seems to be a form of cleansing. Some might think that it’s “too much information”, or they feel it’s not appropriate to discuss. Yes, I’ve run into that kind of feedback for things I’ve shared. I also do this hoping that it reaches someone else. Maybe someone that’s gone through similar life stories, or perhaps even worse. I’ve certainly heard my share of horror stories from others that in a way, has helped me to. Sharing of painful events with others makes you feel less alone. At one point in my life I thought it best to keep everything to myself and never discuss my life. Someone would judge me and that would of course make my rage even worse. We have a problem in the country with casting people aside just because they’re hurt or broken, and it’s not right.

Secrets and Silence. This is truly something that comes to mind when I think of how I was raised. We weren’t meant to speak our minds or share our feelings, that’s dirty. Secrets were meant to be kept among only a select few. “Why would you want to put your dirty laundry out there for all to know?” I’m betting there’s a few of you right now that have heard that phrase, or one much the same. Some of the most awful things can happen and yet, we’re meant to never speak a word.

In my “past life” I was trained to be a watcher, to not speak, but to listen. I would see things that would disgust me, yet I was to keep it a secret. Never tell, never snitch, or pay the price. I tend to dance around this part of my life still. I’m working on bringing all of it out and sharing it with more than just my closest pack. There are parts of my life that I’m not proud of, but I survived. It took years to finally discuss openly with family members some of the things that went on in my world. Secrets run deep and they change you. It’s as though it’s a form of rot that just builds up inside of your body. Talking about it, while painful, is the way to cleanse the rot. To purge the system.

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I’m learning that my story is unfortunately not rare. That others walking about have much worse things still left unkept inside of them. It’s as though I can almost hear the pain when they talk, or feel what they’re feeling when they too dance around the truth. Silence and Secrets is everywhere, and it needs to change. The hurt that people hold takes away from their true self. The inner beauty that was meant to be shared from the start. It’s as if the soul is gone and their eyes show the emptiness that’s been left behind. I wish that I wasn’t able to see or hear these things. I wish others would look for ways to find themselves again. We can’t turn back time, we can’t make all of the bad people that have floated in and out of our lives disappear. We can however claim our soul back! Don’t let the demons win here.

I’ve started this topic, this particular subject on so many occasions and could never finish. I’ve walked away from this computer so many times, unable to really put down what I felt, what I see, how I feel. It’s raw, it’s real, and there’s no shame in feeling the way I do. This I know. I’m again hoping that right now someone reads through this and says I do feel this way and I don’t want to hold onto the Silence and Secrets any longer. I want to have my light, and my soul again. It’s not crazy, none of us are crazy. We’re just damaged and that to is alright. To say that “it’s o.k. to not be o.k.” should be understood in society and embraced. It doesn’t make you bad, it just means that you hurt right now. I’d like to dig deeper into where everything went wrong on mental health. Perhaps I’ll touch on that in another blog.

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I’ll close this out by saying thank you for all that read these. I love it when people want to discuss things I write about, or share their insight. Conversation is a good thing and getting to know people like myself that are damaged, you’ll find we still have value. I have the saying on my latest Road I.D. that I wear on my Garmin every day. It says “Broken crayons still color.” I love that. I may be broken but I still have so much to offer. If you’re willing to let go of the Silence, or finally share the Secrets, I promise you there will be relief. You may be broken, but you can still color, and color you will!

Thank you again for being a part of the Zombie File.

I’ll see you on the road

~Zombie~

We must bring our own light to the darkness

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My sister and I went on walkabout today. I couldn’t resist, beautiful blue skies, mild temps, it was a must. We headed out on one of my favorite routes that goes through the side of town we grew up in. It’s rough and depressed, but it’s still a part of me. People ask me all the time, “why do you still walk through there?” The answer is, I really don’t know. It’s still a part of me, I guess. I don’t fear for my safety or feel out of place. I’ve walked or driven those streets a million times and know them all very well. I can get around without ever having to look at a street sign. This has been a discussion with my counselor as well. There are so many bad memories there, why do I still go? Numerous discussions have been had about the subject, and I’m still searching for an answer that I can give, at least one that makes sense.

Once we reached an area that we spent a portion of our childhood in, I said “let’s go down this street and take a look at our old house.” It’s the home that we probably spent the most years in, but it kind of represents all the different houses we lived in. If anything, I had feelings of sadness seeing the house. It hasn’t changed a lot from the time we lived in it. Has a certain feeling of darkness. Not that all memories there were bad, but different. We moved around enough that nothing ever really felt like home. It seemed as though once we started to make “normal”, it was time to move on to the next spot. Something I didn’t understand as a child. Some homes seemed alright, so why were we moving again? I wouldn’t understand the answer to that question until I became an adult. Money and finances were not my parents’ strong suit. During these times they looked for homes that were considered buying “on land contract.” The intent was to stay, it just didn’t work out.

Walking past this particular house got us talking more about people that we knew in the neighborhood. I delivered papers on this street and knew pretty much everyone back then. Homes that my friends grew up in and areas we ran around in. It was always a little on the edge, but the look of it now really makes you sad. Numerous houses now gone, torn down, others in serious disrepair and looking almost unlivable. This expanded our conversation to include “what the hell happened to society?” How did we ever get to this? My brain would then go to, how are the kids on this street growing up now? I know the damage that came with my upbringing. What level of hurt would they have and pass on to others? Very deep and unsettling thoughts.

We continued on and worked our way through the area. Then headed towards the river. As you’d go, you could see a house here, and a house there that looked as though they were still trying to hold on. Like islands in a land of insanity. Small walled up fortresses standing their ground against the darkness. Do you think these people fear the night? Do they wonder if/when the tide will finally flood over them and take their island down into blackness? I know, they’re dark thoughts, but it’s real. Every block we go through has this same look. What can be done to stop the spread of this virus? How can we get it back to “normal” again? Questions that we can all ponder. I’ve always hoped that one day this side of town would find it’s way through and become full of life again.

More discussions. My Sis and I thought, if only people would communicate again. Maybe that’s part of the problem. Step away from social media and engage in realism. Maybe step outside of your small island and attempt to make things better with a neighbor. Pick things up, help others learn to be self-sufficient. Teach! Teach people to take pride in anything and everything they have. Conversations are the way. We need to be beacons of hope, rather than spreading sorrow. I’ve seen enough sorrow to last a lifetime, and then some. “We need to bring our own light to the darkness.” I like that. There’s an old saying “it takes a village.” I say this a lot at work. I treat my office in just this way. We work together with a goal of succeeding. If this is carried into these neighborhoods, and taught to those that want to live better, that want to raise their children in an environment that’ll breed happiness, and comfort, it should be done. What’s the alternative? I think we’re seeing it on full display all across this country. Neighborhoods and communities are dying.

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If you’re a fan of Harry Potter or The Hobbit series. You’ll probably be able to envision the darkness that I see at times. The blackness spreading and consuming everything in its path. While I see these things, I also know that I have it within myself to make better. Ask yourself what you can do that can make a positive change in the world. Then ask, how can I spread this positive mindset to others? We can turn the tide. We can push back the wave of blackness and make things right. I choose light over darkness. I choose right over wrong, good over evil. I choose to be Harry Potter or Bilbo Baggins! We need to be the heroes of our story and help others to do the same.

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“We need to bring our own light to the darkness.” Bring your light. Shine as long as you can and with everything you have. I refuse to give up. Perhaps that’s part of the answer as to why I still walk through my old neighborhoods. I’m trying to bring the light into the darkness.

As always, thanks for reading. I’ll get back with you all soon. I have much more to say on this topic and so many others.

I’ll see you on the road

~Zombie~

The Zombie File

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Hey everyone! I’m backtracking a little bit today. As you may have noticed, the name of my blog has changed. Previously known as 30races.com has been switched to a more fitting thezombiefile.com. Being that my quest to run 30 races in a year was back in 2015, I thought it was way past time to switch things up and adjust everything. For those that don’t know, I’m Zombie! I acquired the name many moons ago. Mostly due to my lack of sleep and changing work schedule, that remains to this very day. So, welcome to anyone new to my scene and hello again to those that have followed along over the years. I can’t promise to always be a ray of sunshine on here, but I’ll always write from my heart. That’s a promise.

The Zombie life has been an ever changing adventure. I’m still doing the miles, I’ve just switched over to mostly walking. Easier on my joints, and I’m hoping to keep my back intact as long as humanly possible. The obsession that’s come with this are step goals. (Damn you Garmin!) Garmin offers numerous challenges each month for anything from steps, to lifting, running, biking, swimming and yoga. I of course feel the need to place myself in as many challenges as I can during said month. My wife said that we need shirts that say “Garmin made me do it”. LOL!! That’s a very true statement. There have been days that I wasn’t really feeling like getting out and doing anything, then I look at my Garmin connect and see that I may just need a few thousand steps to be in the #1 spot, or as I like to say, “on the podium.” Challenges have their positives, but they can get to you, and bring out not only the competitor inside of you, but if you have any kind of illness that makes you turn obsessed, it can be a bit much. I’m able to push back against my demons and keep things fun. I won’t lie, I’ve gone out and gone around the block just to get back on the podium at the end of the week! I like the view from the top…lol!

I’m starting to get the bug to get after another Ultra Marathon. I know once my wife reads this you’ll all be able to hear her eyes rolling. I don’t know what it is that I have inside me that feels the need to push my body to the breaking edge. I guess I just like to see what I’m capable of and how far I can actually go. You never know until you take the chance on yourself. We did an Ultra a few years back and it was tough. The mistake that I made with that was I was already in training for the NYC marathon. They were spaced pretty close together and I really needed a little extra time to get my body back in order. I did enjoy pushing through though. I’ve been researching races coming up in the Fall, as that’s my favorite time of year to do anything. The only requirement I have is that I need to find a race that allows enough time for me to complete it at my walking pace. For those that don’t know, many Ultra Marathons are done by people that do some running along with walking. Some just walk from start to finish. It’s a little different environment. Geared more towards just reaching the mileage goal. I like that a lot better than killing yourself to have the fastest pace. There’s a bit of freedom to it, and remember, walking means that I’m spending a lot more time on a course than any runner. Plus, the miles are all the same. Be it 32, 50 or 100, miles are miles. I’m trained up enough now that I could do a marathon distance without issue. So, in my brain that means I could do a 50K as well. It’s only like 6 miles more distance, right? I’d eventually like to work my way up to a 50 miler. Karla and I talked about getting ourselves in killer shape and doing something crazy for our 60th birthdays. I like goals!

I’m still keeping in touch with my dietician. More of an as needed kind of thing now. I’ve learned much from her over the past year +. She checks in on my food logs and sends an occasional text to see where I’m at mentally and how my body is feeling. I can’t say enough good things about her. I’ll throw her web address on here for anyone interested. The first chat/consultation is free. She’s done great things in helping find my balance and get rid of nagging stomach problems. Zombie Recommended! https://www.therootedrd.com/

What are everyone’s plans to stay sane and keep healthy in the coming year? I’ve cut out watching the news on a regular basis. I’m listening to more music and will be taking on my first book in quite some time. I’ve always had an issue with sitting still. My brain keeps telling me that there are things to be done. As my sister would say, “self imposed” things, but there are always things that can be done. I do want to escape in good reads though. I plan on writing a lot more, so look out! If I could have a sabbatical and wander off to the mountains, I think I’d enjoy working on my book. I started one that is based on my early life. After discussions with family, the idea of doing a memoir sounds more intriguing. So much is still just sitting inside of me, just yearning to come out. If it wasn’t for an amazing counselor, none of it would ever see the light of day. She’s guided me in a direction that makes me feel safe in my own skin again. Thank you Amy! I’ll throw her information on here as well. Also highly Zombie Recommended! https://www.amylistens.org/

Final thoughts for today. I do still struggle with my own issues, and find it extremely hard to stay positive. The world seems so hopeless at times, and I wonder if I’m alone in these feelings. I want to hear from you folks. I want to know if you have these feelings too. I wish good things for the world. That’s a far cry from the old me in my “past life”. I want to lead others in a more positive direction, we’re all worth it. Keep moving, get the oxygen in the body. Go look at all that mother nature has to offer outdoors. Hey, read a good book! Give more hugs, and listen to one another. I think that all got lost somewhere along the way. I’ll keep working on me, but just know that I’m never more than a text, email or phone call away. While I’ve been accused at times of being heartless, it’s not the case. I actually care. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t bother saying any of this. I hope it touches someone, or inspires. That’s why I started this blog in the first place. Until the next episode.

I’ll see you on the road…

~Zombie~

I’m Only Human

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Hey there fellow Zombies! It’s been a minute since I sat down and knocked out another blog entry. It’s gray and raining, so why not right now?

I’ve decided to touch on the subject that continues to be a thing in my life. Injuries and the body. I had a really good run going at the beginning of the year, managed to knock out a few half marathons and a couple short distance runs without any issues. I’m totally grateful for that. I love getting on here and throwing some positive vibes out and always hoping to motivate others. That said, lets also talk about the other side of all of this training and running. Injuries and/or very sore body parts. Yes, I do get injured. Yes, I do have very sore body parts. The question you have to ask yourself when these things come around is, how are you going to address them, and what should you do to move forward?

I’ll tell you now that I have several ongoing fights within my body that I struggle with daily. Due to being injured playing football at a very young age, I have pins placed in my right hip. They’ve been there from around the age of 13. I was told at that time by my doctor that my football dreams were over. He further disgusted me by telling me that I’d never be able run and I’d have to go slowly with everything I did moving forward. I won’t lie, at 13, I really had no dreams of being a distance runner, but the idea of someone saying that you can never do something didn’t sit well with me.

Later in my life I was involved in a pretty bad car accident, well a few actually. None of them were my fault, but the lasting damage to the body haunts me daily. The first accident broke my nose. This crack would have been the second time breaking it and the injury has caused my airways to be slightly obstructed. So when I tell you that running can be a chore at times, it’s for real. Getting air in through my nose is always bit of a struggle. The next accident was a drunk driver running into the back of my car while I was waiting at a stop light. I have arthritis in my low back to this very day from that crash. I was recently diagnosed with “severe” arthritis in my right hip, the one with the pins in it. This explains the incredible amount of soreness after a long walk. It also gives a glimpse into why I’ve not been able to run.

The body sends messages to me, and at times I listen. I put in the work to keep things moving and continue to work on my strength at the gym to offset these “gifts”. I’m back to that day when the doctor told me I could not play football and would never run. My brain hears those words and then says, “No, it’s not going to go that way”!

I’ve learned my boundaries, and how hard I can push on them. I’ve also learned that by doing nothing, I’ll never feel better, ever! Do I hurt when I wake up, you bet, but I get up, stretch out, and get to moving! Arthritis is tricky and there are some days that I just struggle to walk and get through a work day. I don’t whine about it, I just deal with it. There are others that suffer much greater body problems than I, and I still consider myself lucky to be able to put my running shoes on and go outside. “Life is not a spectator’s sport”. Something I say on a regular basis. I don’t want to stand on the sidelines and just watch things happen. I want to take part in everything I possibly can before I’m no longer here to do so. My limits are not set, and when I think they are, I push harder!

I’m sharing this because I know others struggle. I also know that some think I live a charmed life of just running, walking and such without issue. I’m sharing because I struggle, and I hurt, but I refuse to quit! What you do is ask yourself, how is this going to play out? Should I just take these things that have happened to me and stop, or do I learn to live with them and continue to thrive? Yeah, I think you know what my choice is.

In another week, I’ll be in the Smoky Mountains with my bride, doing one of the things that I love the most, hiking in nature! We always choose some of the toughest hikes because 1. They have a huge payoff in what you see out there, and 2. We both like to push our aging bodies right to the edge. Does that mean that everyone should do that? No, but whatever you can do, do it! Whatever limits you’ve set for yourself, push right to the edge. Who knows, you might find that you’re capable of going beyond those preset limits and really find yourself!

“I’m only human”, but I choose to be a happy one! I choose life, no matter how much it hurts some days. I like riding that edge between what I know I can do, and what’s on the other side of it! I often wonder what that doctor would think of me today. I wish he was still alive so that I could tell him I managed to run for over 38 years! Not only run, but thrived. We all know that running saved my life. What would’ve happened to me had I not been able to push and break that barrier? I don’t want to think about that. I’m here, living, challenging myself, and breaking as many barriers as I can. Join me!

I’ll see you on the road…

~Zombie~

P.S. I’ve added just a few pictures of some of the beauty I’ve seen during my travels of running, walking and hiking across this country.

Just Don’t Quit

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I’m way past due to sit down here and pound out another blog entry. I needed to give a race wrap-up from the Ironman Ohio. Let me just say now, this was the toughest 13.1 miles of my running career. The day started out sunshine and beautiful, BUT it got hot and humidity started cranking. Being that it was held in Ohio in the later part of July, it’s to be expected. Myself and my teammate were still hoping for a little break from the heat and humidity. Yeah, that didn’t happen.

Tim took to the start line at the crack of dawn. A 1.2 mile swim was the first order of business. He had some misgivings and training issues during the Summer that I think got into his head. He set himself towards the rear of the starting groups and you just knew he was nervous. Once he hit the water though, Boom! It was like he was shot out of a canon! He outpaced a very seasoned and younger Ironman competitor that we know by a full two minutes, clocking a 42 minute time for the swim portion.

From there, he jumped on his bike and this is truly Tim’s home. He lives in the the saddle of a bike on a daily basis, so we knew he was going to burn it up. We lost communication part of the way through his bike ride and I became concerned that the tracker had perhaps fallen off of him or went dead. I checked in with race central and they stated that when he arrived, if either of those things had happened, we could do a manual check in and grab a new tracker for the run. Thank goodness for that, my stress level was climbing, along with the temps and humidity.

There was really no good place for me to hang out and wait for Tim’s arrival for the switch. In order to be in place in the downtown Sandusky area, I had to arrive quite a bit earlier than my actual take off time. I found myself hanging out in direct sunshine! I did my best to stay hydrated and keep calm. With each click of the main clock, I started falling into my “zone”. It’s kind of a place that I go when an overload of nerves pump up. It’s a good thing, I become dead calm.

Once I saw Tim hit the exchange area, it was go time! We did the switch off with the tracker, I check with race command and they gave me the thumbs up that it was live, and off I ran! The first mile is always the suck zone as your body is getting all of the kinks worked out, so I just took it easy and kept a nice stride. As the miles started clicking off, I quickly found myself getting really hot and knew this was going to be a serious challenge. I told myself then, and again many times through the run, “Just Don’t Quit!” I couldn’t disappoint Tim, who had already done his part and put in his miles. I couldn’t fail, no, that’s not what I came here to do after training so hard for 6 months. I’d leaned down, built muscle, and even started Yoga so that I’d become more flexible. I had to get through this.

The course was wide open, no wind, no shade and the temps had reached about 82 degrees, with some serious humidity. I stopped at aid stations at each and every mile to keep myself both hydrated and cooled down. Putting ice on myself, in my clothing and taking on fluids. My race pace that I normally hit was out the window by mile 6, it was more about survival. By mile 10, I’d lost my voice and was starting to really feel the heat. Runners had started to drop, and the sound of sirens whaling was in the background. Once again, I had that voice in my head that said, “Just Don’t Quit!”

My sister and my wife both found me out on the course and I told them I was going to push through. My sister said “you look good”, which brought a smile to my face knowing full well that I looked like shit at that moment…lol! My wife caught me later on and did a quick video of me slogging along, I honestly don’t even remember seeing her there.

Once I’d made the turn for the final mile, I started to see people gathered and knew that I was getting close. That gave the extra boost that I needed to reach inside and bring whatever I had left to my legs. “when your legs are tired, let your arms carry you”. I was pumping my arms and working things through my head, “Just Don’t Quit!”

The final turn into the red carpet area of the finish line, again was a bit of a blur. I knew I’d made it and that I would soon be able to stop and get myself together. I crossed that Finish line and was just overcome with joy! I was holding an Ironman Medal, both for myself and my teammate Tim and it was a thing of beauty! Much like a race I’d run years ago in blizzard conditions, I was pushed to the very edge, and found a way to get through. No one would have been upset had I stopped, in fact my teammate said afterwards that I had the shitty part of the deal…lol! I felt like a real “Ironman”.

I speak of this often and I just have to remind people. The voice I speak of is inside of all of us. The level of discomfort we are able to push through is simply amazing. Discomfort promotes growth! I realized once again that I’m capable of doing anything that I set my mind to. “Just Don’t Quit!”

I want to thank all of my friends, family and co-workers for cheering me on through both my training and the actual event. It was an amazing, humbling and challenging race. No, I won’t be doing another one…lol! I did what I went there to do, and I’m good with that.

I’ll see you on the road…

~Zombie~

Legacy of an athlete

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I’ll start out by posing a question to you all. What is it that you want to be remembered for? What is that you do, or who you are that you want others to remember you for? I know, deep question, and sometimes I feel the need to ask them to open discussions.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write, was an assignment in my college writing course. I was asked to write my own obituary. While the knee jerk reaction was a snicker throughout the group, when you sit and stare at the paper, or computer screen, something changes. Who am I and what have I done that I want to be remembered for? I found that during this assignment I’d gone through several pieces of paper and suddenly found myself stuck. I surely didn’t want to tell the world of all my greatness that I’d achieved as a boy growing up. I didn’t want to lie, or put forward something that would misrepresent who I truly am. I passed the assignment, but after reading my obit, the instructor sat down with me and said, “I wasn’t feeling any passion, and I think you were selling yourself short”. I replied that, I guess I feel that I’m just an ordinary guy, and kind of forgettable. We went on to discuss it further, but I won’t get into all of that right now. I think now I understand what he was trying to say, and again, I feel that itch inside to write it down and share it with others. So here we go.

First and foremost, I’m a husband, a brother, a friend, a boss and a co-worker. I consider myself an athlete, a runner and hopefully through my writing, an inspiration. I’ve learned through my running, yes, it always comes back to running, that I can reach people and at times, maybe make their lives better. Sharing my struggles lets other know that they don’t sit alone, that they don’t sell themselves short. We all want to be seen, heard and cared for.

What does this all have to do with running? Well, running has been the most powerful force in changing how I see myself and others in the world. Prior to that, I really didn’t care…about anything. I found growth in running, happiness and a reason to breathe. Once I found that, I wanted to share it with the world, I just wasn’t sure how. So here I am, throwing raw emotions out there for people to read. I find myself being hopeful that when I tell my running stories, it will plant a seed in someone. Whether it’s one person, or many, the satisfaction that I receive is the same. Knowing that the seed will grow and then flourish is satisfying to my soul.

While you’re pondering my original question, know this. I want to be remembered for being someone that inspired. I love the sound of that, kind of gives me chills just thinking about it. That perhaps I touched someone’s life and made a difference, for the good. That is what I’ve learned through my running…some things are, and should be greater than myself. Perhaps that’s why when I wrote my own obituary it was such a struggle, I didn’t want to write about me. Now I understand that by writing about myself, I can reach others. I also do my best to write with passion, because I think about my discussion on that day in writing class all the time. “Don’t sell yourself short Robert”. Those were his parting words at the end of the day. I get it now.

When all is said and done, I’d also like to be remembered for my passion. My passion for life! My desire to be an inspiring athlete. Someone that cared deeply and gave everything of himself. That will be my legacy to leave for those that have found something they could keep from reading my writings, sharing conversations or just running on the road with me. I’m a simple man, but one with passion, and I’m forever an athlete. Thanks for sharing my journey.

I’ll see you on the road…

Zombie

Overtraining? Who, me??

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I wanted to devote some time to the subject of overtraining. Some folks in my orbit and myself included love to push it right to the edge…take a look around, and then push it some more! If you find yourself in this category, let’s have a chat, shall we.

It’s true that I enjoy waking at 3 a.m. to start my day when I’m on day shift. I’m usually out the door by 4 a.m. going to the gym or on the road, running. I find that if I get after it first thing in the morning, it cuts down on my stress level throughout the day, and generally makes me feel better. I also love the fact that so few people are out there during these hours doing the same thing. I’m not completely anti-social, but I will admit, I enjoy my “personal space”. I keep this regiment at least 5 days a week, in some cases 6. I try to make myself take at least one full day off from everything, but I’ve found that on these stretches of pushing, I can eventually get tired, lethargic, and even slightly irritable. There may have been a moment in my not so distant past that I came home from work and just fell asleep right in my chair with my work clothes still on, holding my cell phone. It’s good for a chuckle, but the underlying theme here is that my body is trying to tell me something…ease up!

I’ve gotten better at taking cues or signals from my body. At times they’re subtle or gentle reminders. Other times, it’s a full kick in the ass! The body is an amazing machine that knows how things are supposed to run, even when you think you know better. Believe me, I’ve thought, on more than one occasion that I knew better. If you take a moment and just listen, your body will send you messages on a regular basis, but be careful to pay attention to the body, and not get the signals crossed with that evil shit that hangs out in your brain, trying to send it’s own set of signals. “Run more miles, run them faster, lift more weight, do it everyday of the week!” When those start coming through, stop and question them. Take a moment and really evaluate what’s going on with the body. Are you tired, like really tired, to the point of fatigue? Does everything in your body hurt and you just don’t want to move? Yeah, those are the moments you need to derail that evil shit and get things back in order.

I was recently chatting with my dietician about my body. Where I’m at on my weight, how I feel etc. She put things into perspective when I was stressing about the numbers on the scale. “Robert, in order to perform at the level that you expect your body to perform, you’re going to have to be at a certain weight. You can’t be completely shredded down to nothing, and think that you’ll perform your best…that’s just not how it works. Professional athletes set time aside to rest, eat more calories and just be, in order to perform at the highest level when the time comes”. Wow…she’s right, and a wonderful voice of reason. She also commented on my falling asleep in the chair, in my work clothes, with my phone in hand. She said, “I think that’s a big wake up call from your body saying dial it down”. Yes, “dial it down”. That’s exactly what I did, and the results were immediate. My time in the gym became more productive, my runs were quicker and heart rate was more efficient. I decided to be gentle with myself. Yes, I know I talk about pushing the limits, and I still do. I also found that resting, stretching, getting enough fluids, and just taking time away from my training puts my body back into balance, and then the performance takes off!

Like I said, the body is an amazing machine and it knows what needs to happen. “Trust the process”. The process is to eat well, (feed the machine), get rest, drink plenty of water, and take a day or two off. You can still make it an active day off and go for a nice walk, or a slow paced bike ride. Take the time to breath! The end result is you’ll be happier and your body will pay you back in spades! Oh, and the evil shit sending all the noise, well, the noise still comes, but you know who to listen to and what to do now. Just shut the noise down.

Whatever you’re going through, and wherever you need to be, your body will get you there, just remember to be gentle when it begs for a break. This my friends is a true story!

I’ll see you on the road…

Zombie