It’s my belief that the first thing that goes astray for me when things aren’t going right is my sleep. My desire to rest is always present. It’s just not always achievable. I do my best to process things throughout the day so that they don’t sit with me. I also work on making sure that I breathe deeply so that I don’t get overwhelmed. I eat well and exercise on a regular basis. Yet, the creeping darkness finds its way into my slumber for whatever reason. It alerts me to everything, both past and present.
I woke up the other night and found myself so lost. I didn’t know where I was or how I got there. My dreaming can be so powerful at times that I truly feel as though I’m there, in that moment. I wake up to find myself lost and confused. This can also carry agitation and anger. I’m no stranger to bad dreams. They’ve followed me for many moons. My beginning therapy was mostly to try to get my sleep schedule back in order. I often woke up after a nightmare. I felt the need to check the entire house for intruders. That was a reoccurring dream that my counselor and I found a way to set aside. The newest ones are different and involve different people or places. They’re all dark and usually post-apocalyptic. I’m struggling and I’m aware.
The real world is enough to make anyone uneasy. I have feelings about so many different issues that are current. My most concerning issue has more to do with my past. I’ve learned that a person I thought was gone is still alive. Not just alive but in close proximity to me. This brings back so many feelings from childhood. There’s a desire to wall up and just turn on my music. The desire to become invisible again is strong. My feelings about this are split. Part of me still feels like a child and part of me is who I am today. A grown man who is much wiser and more capable. I’m much stronger now than I was. I’m better prepared as an adult to handle people. I’ve refined and sharpened. The question remains, where do I go from here?
Do you face your past or run? Do you have a conversation with darkness, or step away? I could “what if” this into eternity. I’m standing in a place that I never wanted to stand in again. I’m certain that this has something to do with my sleep and nightmares. I just don’t know how to put it back into place. All the blogs that I’ve posted on here. Sharing how I’ve progressed and worked hard, challenging others to do the same. I stand before you now with my brokenness wondering if I’ll be alright.
I came home last evening and sat in my recliner thinking through some of the day’s events. My mind wandered off into a happier place of hiking and sunshine. I began thinking of a planned vacation with my wife that is just around the corner. I did my best to travel there and feel the breeze from the ocean. The calmness, the quiet and the freedom. By doing this, I fell asleep for a little while right in my chair. I may continue to work harder on thinking of moments like that. To attempt to push aside the stresses and strains. Grab hold of the one that I love the most and forget about the world for awhile. In doing so, slumber will hopefully follow.
If I’ve learned anything on this journey, it’s that I can’t quit. To struggle can make you strong but it can also break you. My next steps will be very calculated. I owe it to myself to protect that kid inside of me who never fully understood life around him. I also owe it to those who have helped me get this far. Sleep will come again one day. The nightmares will subside. I just have to do the work it takes to make it happen. So, if you see me around and are wondering why the eyes are so dark and tired. You now know that the demons are still around me. I’m just hoping that I’m still guarded by angels.
I dedicate this blog posting to all those who seek slumber. To those who are tortured by nightmares. To those who struggle with pain from life. To those who want nothing more than to find their peace.
Thank you for following along on my journey.
~Robert~
The zombie file 