This has been a busy week on the counseling front. I managed to get in two sessions within a couple of days, which was very helpful. I said some of the worst things, out loud, and in front of someone else. I have a witness of sorts to some, but not all of what I’ve gone through. Conversations that I had that torment me to this very day. Threats, manipulation and grooming were items covered. I had to look within myself, honestly and speak truth. I sat before someone that I’ve grown to trust more than just about anyone in my life and emptied my soul. She (Amy my counselor) has listened without judgment for years. She’s seen me regress at times, shift back to a child at moments, and has guided me through so many dark alleys. She has never wavered in her support, and has always believed that I’d be whole again, safe from everything. Her words have stayed with me when I’ve felt myself slide backwards. It’s been there when I stopped believing in myself. It’s been there to teach me to that what I really am through all of this…Is a survivor.
The emotional toll that trauma can have on the body and mind can be tremendous. There have been times that I’ve left her place and struggled to even drive myself home. On numerous occasions, I’d leave there and go to Meijer and just walk around. I’m not sure why, but there’s something about just doing an “ordinary” thing after such discussions that grounds you. It brings you back to the present. It’s become kind of a joke when I say that I’m doing my post therapy walkabout at Meijer. Some sessions can be so intense that I just really need to shut down and breathe. When I talk about going to therapy/counseling with others, I like to say that I feel everyone could benefit from time speaking with a trained professional. It’s true. We all have secrets that we hide. Secrets that are possibly causing further damage as we age. Secrets that need to reach the surface, be looked at safely, then put away in a manner that will serve our mental health in a positive fashion. In some cases, secrets that just need to be shared so that an objective person can explain clearly to you that it was not your fault. Free you of the burden of having to carry such things around for the rest of your life.
I’ve learned much sharing space with Amy. I’ve learned to pay attention to my body when I’ve been triggered. To pay attention to my breathing and try to be present with it. I need to be kinder to myself and above all, forgive myself. One of the things that I’ve learned of late is that my darkness, along with abilities that I’ve gained through life events have served me well. They’ve kept me alive when there’s no reason that I should still be walking. They’ve given me the gift of sight…the ability to see things that most would never pay attention too, both good and bad. Almost like an intensified vision. I believe that I’ve referred to this before as being a witness to events in the world. I’m seeing things because they need to be seen, or witnessed. Rather than always looking at myself as bad, or evil, I just look at all of it as just a part of me. The two wolves become one.
I don’t know where the rest of my life will take me, I can’t see that good. I know that there are still things that could be discussed, but for now, I’m going to just be. I know that Amy is just a phone call away, and for that, I’m grateful. I don’t want to fully rely on her, but rather accept the tools that she’s gifted me with. The idea behind sitting with her has always been to walk on my own again. I don’t fear falling down as much as I used to now. I also know that if I do fall, I can get back up and will be alright because I choose to. Life is full of choices, Lord knows that I’ve made some interesting ones during my younger years. Through all of it I’ve remained driven to be something more. To be better…always. Even during the darkest of times, I was driven to find a way through, then out! It’s no different now. I make choices each day to continue.
I always copy Amy in on everything that I write. I’m guessing like many of you, she’s fallen behind. Sorry folks, I have so much still to write about. I think I needed to take this time to say Thank you to her and have all of you as a witness to that. She’s a humble and gracious person and I’m sure doesn’t expect anything like this. There have been a couple big moments in my life that were life altering. Two of the biggest were this. The day that I went to Pearson park to walk and decided to start running. I’d gone there originally with all kinds of wild ideas in my head. I wasn’t sure if I could see a path forward at that time and the next thing you know, running found me. I’ve had a wonderful relationship with running ever since that day. The second was meeting my counselor, Amy. She saw something in me that I couldn’t, or wouldn’t see in myself. She guided me down roads that I didn’t want to travel, only to come out on the other side a better person. She’s sat with me while I cried, both tears of pain and joy, and listened to everything. It’s these moments, people, events that have made me see that I have value. I don’t think that I’ll ever be alone again.
One day at a time. It doesn’t sound like much to say that, but when you really stop and put that into action, it can be profound. I’ve found myself at the mercy of even going an hour at a time to try to get through events in my life. Asking my higher power to take the load off of my shoulders because I felt as though it might be too much. I could break at any moment.
There have been some moments in my life when I had to sit and really think things through before acting upon them. I’m structured and methodical, so I know what the “knee jerk” reactions can bring. I’ve had those moments where I’ve let the reaction take hold and it’s never ended the way it should’ve. When raising children I learned patience quickly. They rely on their everything through you. You become a god of sorts in the eyes of that child. You are their most influential person during their earliest years. First words, learning to go to the potty, riding a bike for the first time. These are all moments that a parent should hold dear and cherish. We are also a big part in their makeup socially, at least at first. Once the outside is introduced we can feel lost at times. A new behavior discovered that was never taught by you. Words spoken that have never been part of your vocabulary. If you pay attention, there are signs that growing and changing is going on.
My story is one of going into a marriage that came with children. I didn’t shy away from taking the role of “Dad”, but rather embraced all that it had to offer. My son was already at a pivotal age and I feared that reaching him would be hard. My daughter was just getting ready to turn two and I knew that would be a serious task as well. Diapers, bottles, binkies and the ever present blanky were regular items to be had. I was all in and felt positive about my role as a parent. I had life experience that I felt would assist me in guiding these two souls through a world which I felt to be tough and ugly.
Dealing with other humans in situations like this became tricky. My son’s father was an every other weekend dad. He did his part at times, but assisting in the growth and maturity of a child was sparse. My son, Josh reads my blogs, so I’m sure he remembers much of the back and forth between homes and how he felt with each trip. Having a man come into his life that he knew nothing about, and trying to find a way to bond, or trust had to be awful. Especially knowing that he’d been down that road before and with an individual who was less than human in my humble opinion. Damage from that time is still discussed at times. The person who brought about this trauma was none other than the father (cough, cough) of my second child Taylor. When I first got together with their mother, we had discussions about child support and what roles these other humans would play in the raising of the children. As I stated earlier, Josh’s father was around at times, so there was some interaction for him. Taylor’s father had taken to getting into the wind to avoid child support and threatened her mother that if she ever tried to find him, “bad things” would happen. Hmmm, this went right into my sweet spot. Someone who was supposedly well connected and non existent. I decided to call in a favor and see how hard it would be to find this person. As luck would have it, I was able to find him quickly. I had his address and all pertinent information in my hands within a week. The next step would be to contact child support and report it so that he could be arrested. He was arrested and given a court date. Let me tell you, this is where things get sick. I walked into the courthouse to find this pathetic human sitting on a bench. I shared my feelings towards him in a quiet manner, but made it clear that he was very easy to find.
Once inside the court, a discussion began about the child support owed. He was an enormous amount of money in arrears and was looking for a way out. We offered to cut the amount of the child support in half, with the stipulation that he’d sign all of his parental rights away. Not only did he agree to this quickly, but followed it by saying that “I don’t ever want to see her, and she’s better off with you.” Stop right there. He just agreed to sell his child to a stranger and never wanted to look in on her going forward. Not only was I sickened by this act, I agreed to the offer and then adopted Taylor as my own child. Any chance that she had of making it through this world, it was certainly better with me than him.
Life has a way of shifting. The life I’d envisioned was broken by an alcoholic and drug abuser. Some of these red flags showed early on, but I didn’t think at that time that it was a problem. Getting drunk was something I’d seen other people do on the regular since very early on in my life. That was nothing new. This, however was much uglier and more dangerous. Traveling with kids in the car after drinking, coming home unannounced in a drunken rage, or even getting so drunk that she passed out in our garage with her car still running…and the doors were closed. It was time to rethink this parenting and my life with an alcoholic.
Separation was simple with my ex. I’d be done with the baggage that she carried and could spend more time helping the already damaged children. Being a single father was tough. Day care costs were high and getting them wherever they needed to be was worked around my working schedule to the best of my abilities. They did spend time with their mother, but the vast majority of the time was in my home, with me. Cracks were starting to show, in both of the kids. Each seemed to develop their own ways of working through it and neither seemed very healthy. Anger and uncertainty were apparent in both of them. While I tried to make sure they both understood that regardless of the split home situation, I’d always be available to them, and that nothing that happened between their mother and I was their fault.
Josh’s rebellion was more of a keep to yourself thing around the home. It was rage when away with his friends. So many years of being through so much, it’s a wonder he didn’t just explode. This too is something that we discuss to this very day. I offer my attention whenever he wants and I’m always planting the seed of counseling. He’s not there yet, but I think with time, he’ll find his way to it. I certainly took a minute to get in to see a professional myself. Taylor was different. She seemed to miss her mother at every turn. It didn’t seem to matter how much love and attention she was getting, there was always the need for more. This became a very unhealthy thing that turned into much more over the years. I started her in counseling, hoping that something would break through and she’d find some happiness. Again, I know there are many parents who read this… Remember that we can’t control what happens when a child is outside of our doors. The environment that I have control over is inside of my home and I also found that it can slip away. Taylor got into cutting. If there was ever a nightmare scenario for a parent, this rates pretty high on the scale and knowing that a child is cutting their skin open, inside of your home is terrifying! Add to that, less than savory connections on the outside, which then turned into drugs. I was left reeling.
The people closest to me know how many years I tried to reach my daughter. At some point you have to ask yourself what more can I do? By the time she reached adulthood, she’d aligned herself with a pill seeker and female abuser. I had nothing left to give. I’d offered numerous ways out of this and never wanted her to be homeless. She’d finally broken free from him but had all kinds of bad habits and refused to follow any kind of structure within my home. She’d tried living with her mother for a bit, but found one day to be evicted from there. Her mother was kind enough to place all of her things in front of my garage door while I was at work. The spiral down hit bottom for Taylor when she found herself living in her car and flopping at different “friends” homes. She reached out to me and asked if she could come home just for the night so that she could have a good shower, some food and rest. I allowed this with no questions asked. I could feel that she was at her bottom, or so I thought.
We talked the next day and I offered her the life that she’d had before, yet she refused. She still seemed to be fighting some kind of demons that I could not help her with. The choices that we make in our lives have consequences. While someone may be of legal age, they’re not always adult enough to understand these words. Letting your child walk out the door knowing that you can’t help them, fix them or protect them is one of the most gut wrenching moments of my life. I knew in my heart that I’d given everything to make this work. I’d protected, loved and raised these kids to be strong, independent and caring. I learned in counseling that the question I kept asking was already easy to answer. My question was, “what did I do wrong?” In all reality, I’d done nothing wrong, in fact I’d gone the extra mile to try to save them. With Taylor, there was nothing more. The breaking point came years later after a couple of very rare meet ups. She’d posted herself on social media holding a picture of the man who sold her in court. The very man that said he never wanted to see her again was now being displayed by my daughter with the words how she wished she could have known him and forged a relationship. She wanted a father that would have been there to guide her. It was like having my throat cut. Things came at me at a hundred miles an hour. I’d done everything in my power for this child. Everything that I’d sacrificed to make her life better, and in the end, I became nothing but an afterthought. Her parting words to me when she aged out of being on my insurance at 26 years old were, “thanks for letting me know, now lose my number.” That’s exactly what I did.
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Things don’t always go as they should, or at least how we want them to. I’ll always hope that she finds her way and decides that things could’ve been, and still could be, different. The change in me is what is key here. After everything that I’d been through, I was finally at peace with my decisions. I’d found a way to make myself whole. I stopped asking the question of what had I done wrong, and focused more on knowing that I did everything I could. She chose to go the other direction. When you take things one day at a time, it cuts it down into something more manageable. When you have serious life pressures, they can become overwhelming. I know this because I’ve been there many times. I’ve never been one to count on the world to do, or be the right thing. I know better. I’m street tough and smart, I know where the roads lead to now. How I travel them is the question. Do I allow things to build up and eventually break me? No, I have to separate the truth from the noise.
My stories are meant to teach, and at times inspire. Some are just here so that others know that life can be tricky and we have to find a way to get through it. I’m a survivor of many things now, so I speak truth to power. I’ve been judged many times for the moves that I’ve made with my child, and I will tell you that I really don’t care what others think. If you have empathy in your heart, then you understand. Until you walk a mile in anyone’s shoes, just don’t. Don’t cast your judgment without knowing everything. I implore you. While I’m battle tested, others may not be, and you can damage them further.
For those struggling with anything like this, there’s always hope and help. Seek counseling with a trained professional, it can make all the difference. Exhaust all options before deciding you’ve had enough when it comes to the life of another. I never walked away from my children, one just chose to walk away from me, and I’m alright today.
Hell is empty and all the devils are here. I had this tattooed on my leg a few years back with a very dark fallen angel. Its how I felt at the time and actually for a good portion of my life. I’ve seen the worst in humans and continue to wonder if/when they’ll ever shake out of it. Unfortunately, I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I think I’ve seen all that I need to see during this election cycle to understand that humans are not only flawed, but ugly. The devils are here on earth.
I’ll tell you all now that I’ve never been a fan of the two party political system in this country. It has brought about this perpetual cycle of “voting for the lesser of two evils.” The pendulum swings back and forth, all the while no one at the street level sees any kind of change in their world. That is what one of the candidates tapped into. The underfed, held down and angry found some kind of champion in him. All of the outsiders found a path to him as well. The darker among us feel at home when someone rages against “everyone else” because we know that someone has to be blamed for all the wrongs in the world. This is not new to American politics, it’s been going on for many generations. Anyone who has had to migrate to our shores has been pushed around at some point. The devils always find a way to manipulate you into believing that “they” are the reason for all of your problems. “They” are the reason you never get ahead. “They” steal your jobs, take your housing and go directly after your tax dollars. Hate is easy and the devils know it.
While I’ll never understand how someone can cheer for such anger and bitterness, I understand it. The problem here is that because I come from the shadows, I too know how to manipulate and set fires simply for the joy of watching them burn. I understand the desire for power and control, but I also know where that leads. Those that choose to follow such a path are destined for failure and unhappiness. Nothing will improve with what we’re doing here, it’ll only create further division among us. While you’re cheering on someone taking control of the country, and placing blame on groups of “they”, you’ll soon find that the promises of betterment were nothing more than an empty promise made by the devils. At this point, so much will have been stripped away, we won’t recognize this country, our government or those around us.
I was promised a better life when I joined the underworld. I was promised money, power, protections, but they all came at a cost. Don’t think that this is any different. The devils are good at offering things that appeal to your needs and desires, but then fall short on the delivery. As I asked in my last blog, “what are you willing to do to survive?” You’d better think long and hard on that one because you’re about to be tested on a much larger scale. I know what I’m willing to do, and I know what I’m capable of. I’ve been fighting against devils for the better part of my life. I want so much to be able to walk in the light and not ever have to worry. I’m finding myself at a crossroads again.
My first reaction to the election news was that it was time to wall up and go back to what I know, where I’m comfortable. Trust no one and be ready at a moment’s notice to step on your throat. Yeah, I’m there. Darkness has been calling to me in this 24 hour period and offering me the things that I seek. The devils that I know are speaking to me, and the message is clear. I’ve been here before, and hoped I’d never be here again.
Those that walk among us and feel that this is the way to a better life, hope and happiness, be ready. The promises will be hollow and your soul will be left with nothing. I’m sure that some may think, “you’re blowing this way out of proportion.” I’d like to hope that that’s case, but the devils have requirements and will be looking to feed their insatiable appetite. Promises have been made on how things will move forward. Promises to others who wish to feed from the table of deceit.
What are you willing to do to survive? Sit and ponder that. Think of where you’re at in your life and what you’d like to see going forward. Ask yourself the honest questions and take a long hard look in the mirror. What is it that you see in your reflection. Is it anger, hatred, bitterness? If so, the devils are here on earth and are ready to make you an offer that you can’t refuse. Just know that once you go down that path, it’s much harder to get back. If you’re feeling some of the things that I am, I see you, I feel your pain as well. We have to make a choice as well. Do we fall in line with the devils, or do we make our own way through this darkness? Either way it’ll be a struggle, and the struggle will come with a cost.
I’ve always been the kind to speak my mind and from my heart. This is no different. I will align myself with those that I hope will guide me through darkness so that I don’t falter. I need the guidance in some areas because I know how to move about in the darkness very well. As I stated, it’s comfortable to me. I want to be the champion of the story. I don’t want to be the fallen angel that lands on this earth with all of the devils. I’m hanging on today with everything that I am. I fear for the future and for the lives of the many that could be harmed in the future. I can only promise that I’m alright today.
Forgiveness- The action or process of forgiving or being forgiven. God’s forgiveness-washing us white as snow. (Isaiah 1:18) God’s promise not to count our sins against us…but requires repentance on our part.
I had a powerful session today and this word kept coming up, both out loud and inside of my head. Through the years, I’ve struggled to let things go. To allow others to possibly do harm to me, and render them forgiven. My view was more of the “eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.” In some cases, I sought to bring harm before the other person had a chance. “I will hurt you before you can hurt me.” When I read this now, it makes me sad. Sad that I spent so many years of my life in such turmoil. That I was not capable of turning the other cheek, or just walking away. Times, they are a changing.
We’ve all been there, and I’m sure on so many levels. Pain caused by others. Whether it’s from a close family member, your best friend, co-worker, or just a random person on the street. People have a way of being mean. This then forces us to wall up, put on the armor and take no prisoners. To become an impenetrable force. A wall of blackness. If I become the monster, no one can harm me. Where does it go from there? How do we ever take that armor off, and if we do, will we be harmed again?
I’ll take a few of my own examples and we’ll see how this goes. I’ve been married twice prior to finding Karla. Each of my prior marriages ended in some form of sadness, regret, and even anger. The sadness of feeling as though you’ve wasted years of your life with someone that had no business crossing your path, and the regret that you made a mistake and chose poorly. The anger part came about more so with my second marriage. Because both of these women had substance issues, alcohol being the prime issue. I found myself hating my wife at the time, alcohol and the damage it was causing to my family. It seemed as though I was trapped, with no escape in sight. The promises of staying sober, or clean were made and broken. The tears of pain that flowed because a thief was stealing my children’s smiles. The amount of rage and desire to seek revenge were building. Even after she had moved out, I loathed her very presence. I’d reached my breaking point, and decided to visit an Al-anon group.
The rooms (as they’re referred to) are a safe haven. Filled with others that walk in the same type situations that you might. They have loved ones, friends or co-workers that have brought them to this place. Not in a physical sense, but a spiritual. Each of us had reached our bottom and needed to find a way to live. My first few visits had me thinking that I might be in the wrong place. They spoke of things like “working your program”, studying books with quick references about how to move through the day based on what you were feeling. They also spoke of forgiveness. That was something that was not at all on my radar. I didn’t want to forgive her, I wanted to forget her, and perhaps serve up some karma that I felt was taking too long on its own to get to her. A member of this group approached me after one of the meetings. She stated that she’d listened to my story and thought perhaps she could give some advice. As time went on, she became my sponsor and many of the knowledge nuggets she gave to me, I share on here. She told me after a meeting this; “there will come a day when you’ll be grateful that you had this alcoholic in your life.” What was this madness? Grateful, for her? For all that she’d done? There was no fucking way!
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As time went on, I kept to studying my books, thinking things through and accepting that people are truly flawed. That some are predisposed to being alcoholics or drug addicts. That leaves the door open to believe that some of their actions are not necessarily by choice. (Stay with me, this is where it gets hard) I’ve always felt and still struggle with the idea that someone can be sober, know that if they have a drink or do a drug, things will go all the way off the rails. It makes you feel as though they get a pass for all their bad behavior, while you’re left holding the check! Yeah, it’s safe to say that I still struggle with that one, but I’ve remained open to the idea. I think about my father and the hell on earth that he, my uncle and my grandmother went through living with a seriously abusive alcoholic. It caused my father to never drink as an adult. He did still harbor the same demons that you see in an alcoholic, even being dry. My first wife just felt that it was the way of it. She kept it hidden at home, but as time went, became sloppier about it. She too had a mother that was never sober when we’d visit. I can’t think of a single time that she didn’t reek of alcohol, and what impression that had on everyone around her. To my wife at the time, it was just “normal.” That’s just the way “mom” is.
I could go on and on with many different relationships throughout my life where things didn’t go as planned. The question to all of this still remains, how do we find forgiveness? I’ll get into one more scenario. My past has haunted me for many years now. This was part of the discussion again today at my session with my counselor. I’ve had to take the mirror to myself on numerous occasions, and didn’t care for what I was seeing. This makes my counselor question why? What is it that makes you think you’re so bad, so not worthy. Not worthy of love, compassion, forgiveness. Each of the times that my counselor has asked me “when will Robert be forgiven?” It’s brought me to tears. The idea that someone like me still has value has been hard. I know that I’m a better man, and that I’ve done much to turn my life around. I see the fruits of my labor at every turn. Yet for some reason I still harbor this ill will towards myself. Perhaps from many of life’s events, I gave up on myself.
I will tell you all now that I’m making strides, truly. The world that I lived in as a child, and teen is no longer there. I’m turning the corner and just down the way is forgiveness. I can see it now and it’s like a beacon of light. I’m tired, and no longer want to hold onto the darkness that holds me back. I want to be alright with being me. There’s nothing that any one person can say to any of us when we feel lost, hurt, betrayed that’ll make everything alright. You just need to keep moving on. “Let go and let God.” That was another saying in the rooms. Even if you don’t believe in God, it was explained to me that you can just believe in a higher power. Whatever that higher power might be, turn everything over to it. I’ve had moments that I didn’t think I could keep going. I closed my eyes and said to myself that it was all too much, please take it away…and it was gone. Forgiveness stepped in and took the load. Be it forgiving that loved one that’s wronged you, or forgiving yourself for being that crazy mixed up kid that just didn’t seem to do all the right things. Allow yourself to be the hero of the story, and never look back. I will forgive myself, today.
I have to be honest. I really don’t know how to be anything else. When I’m out doing my walks, there are days that I’m out there to kind of unload the stress of the day, or workweek. I take the time to breathe and see the beauty of the world. There is so much out there that is wonderful. Yet, on certain trips around, it’s as though I’m tuned into a different channel. I feel dread, and see the ugliness. I’ll touch on these for a moment and let’s see where it goes.
Recently, I went out on my usual walks about the city. I started out pretty much the same on both of these adventures, so I had no predetermined agenda. I wasn’t in a bad mood, or particularly stressed, but found myself going in two very different directions. On the day I felt darkness, it seemed as though there was a strange haze around the city. The weather has been pretty good, yet it just didn’t look the same. I found myself paying attention to odd things, garbage, broken down cars, burnt out houses, drug induced humans, all those things. When I start seeing this, it makes me start to wonder, how did things get this way? Why doesn’t anyone else see this? Why doesn’t anyone seem to care, about anything? It frustrates me. This then turns into, why doesn’t anyone pick things up? What is wrong with this world? I see people wandering about without a care in the world, kicking trash, breaking windows, stealing things, it just becomes overwhelming. My mind will move to how they were raised, or the lack of guidance. What kind of home did they come from? Will they ever break their cycle? Seriously, this goes on mile after mile. I’m grateful that as the miles go, I eventually find at least a small amount of peace, even after everything I’ve experienced.
I’ve always tried to explain to my wife that I don’t “choose” to be negative, or see the bad, I’m just wired differently. I find that we have a good trade off at times. She sees things like through the eyes of a child, and that gives me hope. She speaks of the good in others when I see anger and despair. When I’m angry about something, she’s a master of showing me a different view, or allowing me to see her perspective. I’m grateful for that. If left to my own, I’d probably hide myself away. When we walk together, on most of our trips, I’m able to stay on her vibe. There are still those times when I’m seeing things, evaluating threats and being ever watchful. I don’t share all of this with her for a couple of reasons. I don’t want her to be scared or fearful. I also don’t want her to look at me as though there’s something wrong with me, or that I’m being paranoid. I fear being judged by my own wife, probably more than anyone on this planet.
Now, when I’m seeing all of the positive, I still process threats and safety, but I’m very open to the beauty of the world. There is so much to see in our small city. The tiniest of details can make me smile. I love the rebuilding of the river front area and all through downtown. There’s a feeling of hope in areas that have been plagued for years with blight and filth. There’s a new spirit in areas like the farmer’s market, or the new park on the East side! I’ve watched that turn from an abandoned field to one of the crown jewels in the area. Even walking up Main street on the East side. It’s starting to see newness and change happening. Being that I come from that side of the river, I’m hopeful that it will see better days in the future.
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If you’ve ever taken a long walk with me, you’d likely never know that I’m processing threats, or watching out. I’m not vocal about it. I can only tell you that I’ll chat and enjoy your company. Just know that I’ve evaluated everything around us, and I can say with clarity that you’re safe, and protected. As for the why this all happens, I really don’t know. I feel like my brain is directing me and I don’t have a say in it. I’ve touched on this before. I feel like I’m to be a witness to whatever it is that I’m seeing. That it’s required to be acknowledged by someone. If not me, then who?
I think this is why I do so much better with someone walking along with me. It tends to bring a calmness to the runaway train within me. I’ve had discussions with my counselor on numerous occasions about “always being on.” I’ve not figured out how to shut things down or stop doing my “threat assessments.” As you can probably imagine, it can be exhausting. There are days that I just wish I could hit a button and not be going full speed in my head. While I have my different channels, there’s still a lot going on. I prefer the softer side yet I know the other still exist.
I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and we touched on our pasts. Some of the things that we went through and experienced. I knew that this person had a bit of trauma in there, yet they didn’t seem to care about it anymore. Stated that they chose to just move forward. It was at that moment that I felt myself falling internally. Why was I still struggling then? How come I can’t just see things as in my past and move on? Why do I need to analyze things so much? Once those words came out, I didn’t speak about the subject any longer. I’d heard lines like that before and it just makes me feel lesser. I don’t want to be judged. I had to remember what I always tell my wife. It’s not a choice, if it was that easy, I’d choose happiness to rain down on me for the rest of my days! I’m working very hard to set things on one channel. To see things that are beautiful rather than ugly. To bask in the sunshine rather than the dark. I’m painfully aware that I’m damaged goods. I’ve made the choice to try to correct that, but I know that it’ll take time. My case is one of many out there, so I know that I’m not alone. “This too shall pass.”
I’ll continue to take my walks and enjoy the company of whomever decides to walk along. I’ll keep working on getting things right, or at least find some kind of peace with who and what I am. I know that I’m not alone and that there is beauty in this world. That’s a start. I know that there are those that love me, and that helps to keep me whole. I also know that there are many that find things that they need themselves in my writing. That centers me. I’m humbled when people tell me that they enjoy reading my blog entries. I’m already a much better version of myself than I was years ago, so I can be fixed. Please know that I don’t choose to be this way. The choice that I made years ago was to walk away from demons and attempt to live a better life. I always joke and say that I never thought I’d make it past 30 years old, and here we are. I turned 58 last month. You all stick around and I will as well. I’ll get this thing right and find what it is that I seek.
The zombie file 