Navigating Darkness in Therapy

September 10, 2025September 10, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Counseling session was yesterday. The day was busy and trying to get everything squared away threw me off a bit. I ran late getting to the appointment, which is not like me at all. Racing in, kicking my shoes off and finding my comfort spot on the couch had to come quick. I’d been looking forward to this discussion with my counselor. I’ve had sleep problems and had the past come to visit me. I needed to find comfort and guidance.

I felt as though I was just throwing words all over the place in no apparent order. I kept apologizing for jumping around with my thoughts, struggling for the right words. Amy knows me well and can tell when I’m restless. On this day it was so obvious. I couldn’t sit still, pulling on my limbs, rubbing on my foot. The agitation that festered in me was seeping through. She asked hard questions, but I’m used to that. At times I felt guarded, even though I’m so comfortable with her. She wanted to know more about my dark side.

My fear has been and continues to be that the darkness will take over. I fear the loss of control – of coldness, uncaring, vindictive, and angry feelings. I carry these things with me. I take no pride in them, but they’re a part of me. The discussion brought us back to why I still walk the streets where I grew up. I never seem to have a clear answer to it. I always say that I feel a level of comfort there. I don’t fear anything, although I probably should. I know that evil lurks around almost every corner of these streets. There are always eyes upon you, examining, watching and assessing you. I know this because I did much the same. “Outsiders” are not welcome. This can be said in almost any neighborhood.

I was asked if I was in a more prominent neighborhood would I feel welcome or out of place. I’d feel out of place and unwelcome. These feelings come from years of being looked upon as garbage, or of lesser value. Being poor in America can feel like a crime all on its own. When you wear second-hand clothes, or have to walk everywhere. Perhaps you ride the bus or share a bedroom with siblings because it’s the only space you have. These kinds of things don’t make you “suitable” in some areas. I admit that I have a chip on my shoulder. I take issue with those who look down on people who struggle. I think it shows on my face, or at least I’ve been told. People have told me that when they see me walking they think I look different. I look intimidating and unapproachable. I think Amy described it well. She said I have a “bring it on” attitude. She’s right, and in having this I put myself at risk. So, why do I continue to do this? Why do I continue to walk these streets?

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The next meetings are going to be more about digging into this darkness. It’s an uncomfortable topic. It always makes me think of a writing by Friedrick Nietzsche. “If you stare at the Abyss long enough, it stares back at you.” His writing is thought provoking, yet skewed. The concept of looking into the darkness that resides within is both terrifying and intriguing. The journey into said place will be draining I’m sure. I’ve stated numerous times that I have problems looking into the mirror because I don’t care for what I see. This would be the next level. Not only looking at myself in a mirror, but truly looking at myself on the inside. Mysteries are there to hopefully be solved. I’ll accept the challenge and work to move forward. I have to believe that there’s better on the other side.

I’d like to take this time to remind everyone that September is National Suicide Prevention month. There are so many who struggle with things that even I can’t comprehend. Take some time to look out for others. Step into a space that might be uncomfortable. Observe those who have reached a point of brokenness where they see no other avenue but to leave this earth. This is part of the reason that I continue to write. If you’re out there and struggling, I see you. I want you to know that you can make it another day. “One day at a time.” We are all humans and have value.

National mental health crisis hotline is 800-273-TALK (8255) or you can simply dial “988” for the Suicide and Crisis lifeline.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Demons and Angels

September 10, 2025September 10, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

It’s my belief that the first thing that goes astray for me when things aren’t going right is my sleep. My desire to rest is always present. It’s just not always achievable. I do my best to process things throughout the day so that they don’t sit with me. I also work on making sure that I breathe deeply so that I don’t get overwhelmed. I eat well and exercise on a regular basis. Yet, the creeping darkness finds its way into my slumber for whatever reason. It alerts me to everything, both past and present.

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I woke up the other night and found myself so lost. I didn’t know where I was or how I got there. My dreaming can be so powerful at times that I truly feel as though I’m there, in that moment. I wake up to find myself lost and confused. This can also carry agitation and anger. I’m no stranger to bad dreams. They’ve followed me for many moons. My beginning therapy was mostly to try to get my sleep schedule back in order. I often woke up after a nightmare. I felt the need to check the entire house for intruders. That was a reoccurring dream that my counselor and I found a way to set aside. The newest ones are different and involve different people or places. They’re all dark and usually post-apocalyptic. I’m struggling and I’m aware.

The real world is enough to make anyone uneasy. I have feelings about so many different issues that are current. My most concerning issue has more to do with my past. I’ve learned that a person I thought was gone is still alive. Not just alive but in close proximity to me. This brings back so many feelings from childhood. There’s a desire to wall up and just turn on my music. The desire to become invisible again is strong. My feelings about this are split. Part of me still feels like a child and part of me is who I am today. A grown man who is much wiser and more capable. I’m much stronger now than I was. I’m better prepared as an adult to handle people. I’ve refined and sharpened. The question remains, where do I go from here?

Do you face your past or run? Do you have a conversation with darkness, or step away? I could “what if” this into eternity. I’m standing in a place that I never wanted to stand in again. I’m certain that this has something to do with my sleep and nightmares. I just don’t know how to put it back into place. All the blogs that I’ve posted on here. Sharing how I’ve progressed and worked hard, challenging others to do the same. I stand before you now with my brokenness wondering if I’ll be alright.

I came home last evening and sat in my recliner thinking through some of the day’s events. My mind wandered off into a happier place of hiking and sunshine. I began thinking of a planned vacation with my wife that is just around the corner. I did my best to travel there and feel the breeze from the ocean. The calmness, the quiet and the freedom. By doing this, I fell asleep for a little while right in my chair. I may continue to work harder on thinking of moments like that. To attempt to push aside the stresses and strains. Grab hold of the one that I love the most and forget about the world for awhile. In doing so, slumber will hopefully follow.

If I’ve learned anything on this journey, it’s that I can’t quit. To struggle can make you strong but it can also break you. My next steps will be very calculated. I owe it to myself to protect that kid inside of me who never fully understood life around him. I also owe it to those who have helped me get this far. Sleep will come again one day. The nightmares will subside. I just have to do the work it takes to make it happen. So, if you see me around and are wondering why the eyes are so dark and tired. You now know that the demons are still around me. I’m just hoping that I’m still guarded by angels.

I dedicate this blog posting to all those who seek slumber. To those who are tortured by nightmares. To those who struggle with pain from life. To those who want nothing more than to find their peace.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Finding Peace For A Restless Soul

April 14, 2025April 14, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I found a tattoo in one of my many searches of the internet that grabbed me. It was an antique typewriter that said the words “I write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still.” That touches my soul. I truly cannot be still inside. I’ve referred to myself as being a “restless soul” for many years. I also feel that the reason I’ve survived everything is because my work is not done yet. I’m starting to believe, or at least feel that part of my purpose is to write. I always have something that I feel could be shared that in turn can assist someone else in their journey. Life is truly a journey and how we choose to live it is in our hands. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You hold the power.

When I talk about past issues or the things that I’ve experienced through the years. I do so always thinking how I would feel if I stumbled across this blog earlier in my life. In a way, I’m speaking to my younger self at times, trying to guide my ship into the harbor. I was so lost, so hopeless and alone at points. I could have used this kind of blog then. When I sit here writing my book I think about all the stories that play out and when I read back through, sit in amazement that I’m still here. My restless self refused to ever give up. That is what I try to project when I write now. That even when things are at their worst, search for an out. Search for that light that can guide you so that you can find your peace.

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My sister and I were sitting in my driveway tonight and both of us have had our share of crap thrown our way. We’ve come to a point that all we desire is peace. It’s just that simple. I don’t long for things, for stuff, or great fortunes. I want peace. I want to be able to live inside of my own head and feel good. I want to shed those that would bring about rage and feelings of old. While I’m good at confrontation and have found that I’m good at inflicting pain, I choose to step away from all of it. I simply want peace.

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” (Laurell K. Hamilton) We all have them, wounds that for some, never heal. Whatever your life situation might be, you can make it better. As I stated before, I feel at times that I’m talking to my younger self. I’d want him to know that there will be an end to the loneliness and pain. The burdens will one day be lifted and peace will surround you. Like sitting in a warm quilt on a cold Winter’s night. In order to achieve this kind of peace, work has to be done.

I got on here tonight to write and calm my soul a bit. To cleanse myself after writing more of my book. The book is part of my work to find my inner peace. To calm that restless soul. Pouring things out in my book is stepping back in time and with that comes some picking at old wounds. Some are just relationships that were shared and left behind. I had a moment tonight that made me look up a girl I dated while still “in the business.” She was a damaged human that had demons of a different sort. I cared deeply for her at one point in my life and had to let her go. She struggled with both alcohol and drugs as time went on. We stayed in touch for several years but at some point just lost touch and everything went radio silent. I was curious how things turned out for her and hoped it would be positive. That was not the case, she passed away in 2021 at the age of 52. Reading this was not entirely shocking to me, but made me sad nonetheless. She was a human that had dreams and too, wanted to quiet her demons. Our roads could have been much the same. I still remember the last time that we spoke and how I felt that she was so lost. I wish that there was something I could’ve said to her to give her hope. The idea that there’s always a new day tomorrow and we can make it better. Some never find that.

“Stalked by Demons, Guarded by Angels” This is on my RoadID that sits on the side of my Garmin watch. I feel that there is always something in my past, or some kind of demon that stalks me. I’ve managed to keep them out of my dreams for awhile now, but always feel that I need to stay a step ahead. When I’m restless and tired is when I look for those Angels to come and sit by me. I’ve had moments that I’ve simply closed my eyes and asked for something that I felt was too heavy to be lifted off of me. Moments that I just don’t feel I can get through alone. While I still struggle with my faith, I do feel that there is energy in our world. I’m never afraid to just step back and allow this energy to assist me. To let my restless, brokenness be still, even if it’s only for a few moments. To allow me to breathe and process. If I could say anything to my younger self it would be “Don’t try to carry your burdens alone.” Tomorrow will be a new day and there will be a chance to find what you truly seek, peace.

I’ll close out by enclosing a piece that I found.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

There will be people who move on without you, and people you admired that you can no longer look up to, and there will also be gaps in the trees where the wind blows through and reminds you: no matter the betrayal or the rejection, there is still room in this life to make meaningful, new connections.

MHN

The pursuit of peaceful sleep

December 11, 2024December 11, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’ve been referencing sleep, dreaming, nightmares and the eyes in quite a few of my blogs of late. Sleep has been a distant memory for me. I honestly can’t recall when I slept soundly, or without some kind of nightmare shaking me awake. I’ve learned over time to adapt to my situation by just simply learning to fall asleep whenever I have the spare time. I guess that I don’t feel there are really any rules when it comes to sleep. We believe that our bodies should lay down when darkness takes over the sky. In a perfect world under ideal circumstances that might be the case. For many of us “night crawlers”, it’s a different way of life. Darkness might mean we become recharged, or perhaps some even anxious. There are so many reasons for sleep issues, so I thought I’d take this time to talk about it.

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I do have a few memories of being very young, and resting peacefully on the floor in our living room with my blanket covering the heat vent. The warmth that it provided was so comforting. It didn’t matter if I had a pillow or even cushions to rest my body on, I was comfortable, and sleep came easy. I’d do a similar thing in the summer months by taking a sheet, placing books on all corners of the sheet, and then on top of the fan and turned on the fan. It became the most beautiful dome of cool air. I’d climb inside with my head towards the fan and just drift away with the sounds of the fan and the cool breeze blowing against me. Each of these things were as though I’d built my own nest. A safe place to rest, with no worries and plenty of comfort. I think back on those moments now and realize how gentle I was, how carefree. Only beginning on my journey through life.

Fast forward some years and sleep became harder to find. Discomfort caused by insecurities. Worry and wonder as to where life was leading. It was no longer a thing to climb under my blanket and leave the world behind. The world had come for me and I was just learning how to deal with it. People and places were now changing the landscape of my childhood. Darkness was no longer just about the evening hours, but part of everyday life. It was during this time that I started to find ways to sleep wherever and whenever I could. I had to make sure that I was safe, and that was critical to being able to shut down. Think of watching an old Western movie where you have a cowboy out in the middle of nowhere laying with their head tilted on a log, perhaps by a fire. That’s kind of how I felt. You always had to have one eye ready, watching, able to react to the slightest movement or sound. The wolves were out and prowling all of the time, so you had to be ready. It’s at this point that sleep would become a very distant friend to me. One that would be greatly missed for many years to come.

I still have the habit of dozing off wherever I can. When sleep is not a guarantee, you have to maintain your body in some fashion. The best way to do that is to allow it to rest when a moment presents itself to you. There are no rules to any part of this game called life, and that includes with sleep. When I know that most of my sleep during the evening will be broken up by reoccurring dreams, or some other type of night terror, I do my best to find those moments. The moments when you can just shut down, even if it’s only for 5 or 10 minutes. During the Covid years I brought that back into full swing due to the unbelievable amount of stress and concern that the entire world was feeling. I’d go out and walk alone or with my wife and return home where I’d set out a blanket and pillow on the living room floor and just nap. Extra rest was needed during that time and since I was already in a deficit on most days, this was the best thing for me. If someone says that they can’t take a nap because then they won’t sleep at night, I always chuckle. There they are, trying to follow the invisible rule of sleeping at night. Yes, it’s better for the body if you follow that clock, but when other issues stand in the way, you do what you have to do to survive.

There are a few times that I’ve found myself able to sleep somewhat better. I tend to sleep better when we visit the Smoky Mountains. I’m not sure what it is…I guess it’s true that there’s some kind of magic in them hills. I feel more at peace there than just about anywhere I’ve ever traveled to. Knowing that my mother resides in the mountains is an extra added bonus. She can keep watch over me and make sure that I’m safe. I think that’s something that every person wants, or wishes for regardless of their age. Even with the turbulent relationship that I had with my mother at times, she was still my mother, and mothers mean safety. “Mother is the name of god on the lips and hearts of little children.”

― The Crow

One of the tattoos on my body is an eye on my right arm. The reason for this eye – it’s the ever watchful protector on my skin to keep me safe from harm. While I “shut down”, the eye takes over and keeps watch so that I can’t be harmed. May seem silly to some, but to me, it’s real. I’m finding now that as more of the ink penetrates my skin, I’m more shielded from those who would harm me. I have no explanation at least one that would make sense to most people, it’s just how I feel. I suppose we could look back to that child and the blanket, or with the sheet over the fan. There was something protective about that as well. A cocoon where slumber came easy and worries were set free.

The more that I write, I’m finding that parts of my anxiety about my life are softening. I want so much to shed all that I carry with me. I was talking about it today with my sister Leanna. While I felt stressed trying to explain events in my life that even she wasn’t aware of, I needed to try. I have to push everything to the surface so that the light can take it. With each word that I attempted, I became constricted in my throat. It was as though a part of me was saying “NO, you can’t tell this…it’s too much!” The many secrets leave me feeling so alone. While the fear of physical harm has faded, there’s a different concern that’s filled its void. How will I be looked at by those who surround me? Those who matter the most to me. I’ve shared so much with my wife and yet there are still things to get out. I feel so close… so close to freedom. I’ve thought that if I reach that point, I’ll probably drop and sleep for days on end. That child from so many years ago is standing there waiting for me. I can see myself, so small, so bright eyed and full of hope. So rested and carefree. Asking the adult me “when can we sleep?” I’m almost there, I just have this last bit to get through, and then sleep will come.

“Sleep is an essential part of life-but more important, sleep is a gift.” William C. Dement

I wanted to say in my close today that I so appreciate all of the discussions that have come from my writing. While I’ve always said that I write for myself first and foremost, I’m always hopeful that someone out there can relate. That someone will understand what I’m saying. I’ve expressed my desire for others to read these blogs and not feel alone, probably because I’ve spent so much of my life in secret, and feeling very alone. You can fill a room with people, and those people can care for you, even love you, but when you harbor dark secrets, it’s as though the room is empty the entire time. No one really knows me, but now you are all starting to. This has been a painful journey but one that I needed to travel. I hope that you find slumber tonight. I’m almost there.

Until we meet again…

~Robert~

The Price of Survival

October 29, 2024October 29, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Survival. What are you willing to do to survive? How far have you had to go to keep yourself above ground, and secure? There are different ways of looking at the word survivor. One of the first things that comes to mind for most of us is surviving breast cancer. Lord knows there’s been entirely too much of that in all of our lives. I’m sure that without even a glitch you can think of numerous people in, or around your life that have had to go through some kind of fight in order to stay alive. In this blog, I’d like to look at other aspects of surviving. None of them are easy and most come with a price. The question becomes, what are you willing to pay?

This subject has been on my mind for some time now. I’ve had to think it through to see just how I wanted to dissect the subject of survival. Survival–“The state or fact of continuing to live or exist, typically in spite of an accident, ordeal, or difficult circumstances.” We humans come equipped with a built in mechanism that makes us fighters. We’re capable of enduring all forms of pain and still finding a way to persevere. We learn much of this early, from falling as a toddler, skinning our knees as a tween, breaking a bone as a teenager, and of course there’s the feeling of heartbreak when dealing with another human in a relationship. While it’s vital to recuperate from any physical injuries, it’s also vital to recuperate from the unseen injuries. The mental anguish that can burden us. Sometimes, for the rest of our lives. There are times when the two, physical and mental come together and cause the most serious damage. While you can heal from some things physically, the steps required to recover mentally can be taxing, and at times seem like too much. This is where survival truly kicks in. What are you willing to do to survive?

I’ve shared several of my stories on this blog, and can tell you that I’ve faced the question that I’m asking now. When you’re a kid, you look to others to guide you and show you how to manage life’s lessons. In some cases, the lines can become blurred. Not all that surround you are looking out for your best interest. Predators seek those that they feel they can manipulate in silence. This can be in the form of “grooming”, or teaching a child to learn the art of deception. Teach them to become paranoid of all that is in the world, and that only that person, or group is the true savior in their life. There are some that would befriend you and use you for the purpose of making money. As a child, you just don’t know any better, because you’ve not been on this earth long enough to sort everything out. Judgment becomes skewed and mistakes are made.

Instincts are always in you to survive. Those that would use you are always willing to see that you have a “better” life. They make sure that bills get paid, money is provided on a regular basis and protection from those that could harm you is available. When you’re hungry, cold, tired, or homeless, all of this can seem like a blessing. It’s also providing you the basic needs to survive. What is the price for all of this? The answers come with uncertainty. At the time, the price may seem low, and worth the risks that come with it. It’s not until later that discovery of the true costs sets in. How far are you willing to go to survive?

Perhaps there’s something in your past that is triggered by all of this, and that’s truly understandable. We all have our demons. We’ve all been through some kind of “shit.” If I’ve learned anything in this world, it’s that almost everyone has been through some kind of traumatic experience that has put them at the doorstep of survival. They had to find something deep inside that would allow them to pay the toll, as it were, to keep moving on the highway of life. I had to trade a portion of my childhood, along with a portion of my mental strength to keep above ground. I was made to walk in the shadows, taught to feel nothing, and work to earn my place on the planet. I traded what I feel is a portion of my soul. I’m working hard now to gain it back, and looking back at what I provided, it was a heavy cost. I’m still here though.

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When you look in the mirror each day, what is it that you see? I’ll tell you something about myself, I struggle to look at mirrors…that’s a very true statement. I still see the same scared kid at times, along with a hardened older man. I still see the survivor though. I try more now to pay attention to the survivor and let the rest slide away. You’ve heard the statement, or perhaps said it yourself a time or two. “I did what I had to do.” On the positive side of this, I’ve learned to judge less and enjoy more. I know that I’m not the only one that suffers in silence. I know that my story is not unique in this world, and that there are others far worse than mine. That’s one of the things that I still think about on my walks through my old neighborhoods. What are these kids going through now? What are they doing to survive?

So, you’ve been reading all of this and probably running things through your mind. Were you lucky enough to have made it through your life thus far without having to trade something? Are you strong, independent and happy? If so, I’m envious of you and wish you continued happiness. For those that have paid a price, and are here reading this, you’re still here and I see you. Whatever price you paid, I’m grateful that you’re still here. Walk back those demons and keep working on yourself. I told you at the start of this that we came equipped as fighters, and fight we will. There is much still to see and do. There are people out there that for whatever reason have decided that we have worth, and they ask for nothing in return. Align yourself with those people, lean into them when you struggle. The cost of survival can be high, but I’m willing to fight for it. I’ve put in the work, and will continue to. If you ask me what am I willing to do to survive? The answer is, whatever it takes because I’m a survivor

Thank you so much for reading.

~Robert~

Life’s walk-Dread and Hope

October 21, 2024October 21, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I have to be honest. I really don’t know how to be anything else. When I’m out doing my walks, there are days that I’m out there to kind of unload the stress of the day, or workweek. I take the time to breathe and see the beauty of the world. There is so much out there that is wonderful. Yet, on certain trips around, it’s as though I’m tuned into a different channel. I feel dread, and see the ugliness. I’ll touch on these for a moment and let’s see where it goes.

Recently, I went out on my usual walks about the city. I started out pretty much the same on both of these adventures, so I had no predetermined agenda. I wasn’t in a bad mood, or particularly stressed, but found myself going in two very different directions. On the day I felt darkness, it seemed as though there was a strange haze around the city. The weather has been pretty good, yet it just didn’t look the same. I found myself paying attention to odd things, garbage, broken down cars, burnt out houses, drug induced humans, all those things. When I start seeing this, it makes me start to wonder, how did things get this way? Why doesn’t anyone else see this? Why doesn’t anyone seem to care, about anything? It frustrates me. This then turns into, why doesn’t anyone pick things up? What is wrong with this world? I see people wandering about without a care in the world, kicking trash, breaking windows, stealing things, it just becomes overwhelming. My mind will move to how they were raised, or the lack of guidance. What kind of home did they come from? Will they ever break their cycle? Seriously, this goes on mile after mile. I’m grateful that as the miles go, I eventually find at least a small amount of peace, even after everything I’ve experienced.

I’ve always tried to explain to my wife that I don’t “choose” to be negative, or see the bad, I’m just wired differently. I find that we have a good trade off at times. She sees things like through the eyes of a child, and that gives me hope. She speaks of the good in others when I see anger and despair. When I’m angry about something, she’s a master of showing me a different view, or allowing me to see her perspective. I’m grateful for that. If left to my own, I’d probably hide myself away. When we walk together, on most of our trips, I’m able to stay on her vibe. There are still those times when I’m seeing things, evaluating threats and being ever watchful. I don’t share all of this with her for a couple of reasons. I don’t want her to be scared or fearful. I also don’t want her to look at me as though there’s something wrong with me, or that I’m being paranoid. I fear being judged by my own wife, probably more than anyone on this planet.

Now, when I’m seeing all of the positive, I still process threats and safety, but I’m very open to the beauty of the world. There is so much to see in our small city. The tiniest of details can make me smile. I love the rebuilding of the river front area and all through downtown. There’s a feeling of hope in areas that have been plagued for years with blight and filth. There’s a new spirit in areas like the farmer’s market, or the new park on the East side! I’ve watched that turn from an abandoned field to one of the crown jewels in the area. Even walking up Main street on the East side. It’s starting to see newness and change happening. Being that I come from that side of the river, I’m hopeful that it will see better days in the future.

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If you’ve ever taken a long walk with me, you’d likely never know that I’m processing threats, or watching out. I’m not vocal about it. I can only tell you that I’ll chat and enjoy your company. Just know that I’ve evaluated everything around us, and I can say with clarity that you’re safe, and protected. As for the why this all happens, I really don’t know. I feel like my brain is directing me and I don’t have a say in it. I’ve touched on this before. I feel like I’m to be a witness to whatever it is that I’m seeing. That it’s required to be acknowledged by someone. If not me, then who?

I think this is why I do so much better with someone walking along with me. It tends to bring a calmness to the runaway train within me. I’ve had discussions with my counselor on numerous occasions about “always being on.” I’ve not figured out how to shut things down or stop doing my “threat assessments.” As you can probably imagine, it can be exhausting. There are days that I just wish I could hit a button and not be going full speed in my head. While I have my different channels, there’s still a lot going on. I prefer the softer side yet I know the other still exist.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and we touched on our pasts. Some of the things that we went through and experienced. I knew that this person had a bit of trauma in there, yet they didn’t seem to care about it anymore. Stated that they chose to just move forward. It was at that moment that I felt myself falling internally. Why was I still struggling then? How come I can’t just see things as in my past and move on? Why do I need to analyze things so much? Once those words came out, I didn’t speak about the subject any longer. I’d heard lines like that before and it just makes me feel lesser. I don’t want to be judged. I had to remember what I always tell my wife. It’s not a choice, if it was that easy, I’d choose happiness to rain down on me for the rest of my days! I’m working very hard to set things on one channel. To see things that are beautiful rather than ugly. To bask in the sunshine rather than the dark. I’m painfully aware that I’m damaged goods. I’ve made the choice to try to correct that, but I know that it’ll take time. My case is one of many out there, so I know that I’m not alone. “This too shall pass.”

I’ll continue to take my walks and enjoy the company of whomever decides to walk along. I’ll keep working on getting things right, or at least find some kind of peace with who and what I am. I know that I’m not alone and that there is beauty in this world. That’s a start. I know that there are those that love me, and that helps to keep me whole. I also know that there are many that find things that they need themselves in my writing. That centers me. I’m humbled when people tell me that they enjoy reading my blog entries. I’m already a much better version of myself than I was years ago, so I can be fixed. Please know that I don’t choose to be this way. The choice that I made years ago was to walk away from demons and attempt to live a better life. I always joke and say that I never thought I’d make it past 30 years old, and here we are. I turned 58 last month. You all stick around and I will as well. I’ll get this thing right and find what it is that I seek.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

~Robert~

Let’s talk about Mental Health

June 10, 2024June 10, 2024 / Zombie / 1 Comment

Hey there all. I talk all the time about my running, walking, working out etc. I’ve touched on things that move, or drive me to do these things. Let’s dive deeper into mental health. This always seem to be a taboo topic and people cringe when it’s brought up. I can’t think of anything more important than the very things floating around inside of your head. This is where you live, every day! It can be good at times and also very toxic. There are many factors that make up what goes on inside the brain. Let’s start there. This is my story.

Your upbringing and social environment develop boundaries inside of you, or lack thereof. I was raised by parents that were very loving at times, yet also emotionally distant. I don’t fault them for this, they did the best they could with what they were dealt in life. My Father was a true tough guy. He was quiet most of the time and never raised his voice, however, he had a way about him that would strike fear straight to your very soul. When he spoke to me, it was up close to my face, and quiet. The whole time he would have one hand on me. That hand would squeeze into my trap/shoulder area based on how mad he was at the time. I learned early that in order to keep the pain level down, you shouldn’t upset him. I had a great deal of respect and fear for the man my entire life. He also raised me to not show emotions. Crying was not an accepted practice, and showing emotions was being weak. This, along with the “take no shit from anyone” mentality formed me into a quiet monster of sorts.

My Mother was very passive and quiet. She had her own demons, but was intelligent and much softer than my Father. There were times we had great conversations, then moments with long periods of not speaking at all. Confusion between the two styles of parenting brought about the need for something else, something more that was missing. This fueled years of misguided anger and poor life choices.

God, when I reflect back now, I wonder how I’ve made it this far. I keep saying that I’ll write a book about all of the different destructive ways I wandered to ease my restless soul. Along with way of life, you have to add my environment that I grew up in. Poor area, with mixed middle class families and areas of poverty. Hunger was something that I speak of often when discussing my past. The feeling of not having enough food, or being cold brought about the desire to just survive. By any means possible.

“You are a reflection of your environment.” I attached to this idea and wore it with pride. Fighting the system and looking for ways to make my life better. Attaching to people that were professionals at “grooming” impressionable kids. I’ll just say that I learned from some very hardened criminals how to view the world. I became a voyeur of humans. My job was to study, to pay attention and exploit weakness. Reflecting back to what I was told by my Father, show no emotions, never cry.

Moving forward, I reached a crossroads of sorts. There was something in my make-up that didn’t want to continue down the path I was on, something didn’t feel right. Yet there was comfort in all of it, familiarity. I decided to break away. I still had the twisted thoughts and hardness, but had reached a point that I felt I could move on and become healthy. I was wrong. While I started to do better in my life, mostly brought about by my running, I still had those built in demons. The demons were strong enough that they caused me to have reoccurring nightmares for a good portion of my adult life. What else could I do, I was living better, working hard, making a good living. Something was still missing and I found myself seeking yet again.

The start of the turn around came by way of going to Al-Anon. I’d had several run ins through life with alcoholics. This drove me to find refuge in rooms with people that experienced similar things as myself. Once I was there, I felt at ease. I felt the kinship of others that understood. It was a good start, but there was still deeply rooted things that required more. I reached out to a good friend that had become a counselor. She gave me the tools to search for someone local. What to look for in a counselor/therapist and gave me the courage to make the step into looking through my past with guidance.

I’ve been with this counselor for numerous years now and it’s safe to say that she’s helped me to work through things that I never thought would be possible. Trust me when I say it’s not a magic pill, or a one and done session. This required work, hard work, facing things that I really didn’t want to ever face again. To discuss hard topics and learn to adjust the very way I view the world as a whole. Never judging, and always careful with where she’d take me mentally. There were times that after a session I would go home and just collapse in exhaustion. This gave me a new perspective on how important our mental health is. Prior to getting help, it changed my sleep patterns, my ability to form relationships, everything! Literally everything began to change with time and my overall health improved, I was now alive!

I’ve struggled for a very long time and kept so much of this from everyone. Something else I learned was very wrong. Some of the hardest conversations were with the person that I love the most in this world, my wife Karla. I was so terrified that once I told her who and what I was, what I’d been through, she’d never want to be with me. I was wrong. She too understands the importance of mental health and reminded me that “the man you are today is who I love, not the boy that struggled”. She’s proud of what I’ve become and that in turn has made me want to reach out to others. To let them know that there is a way out. There can be a brighter tomorrow. You don’t have to struggle or hide your feelings. Share them, work through them, be seen and heard. Isn’t that what we all really want in this world? To be seen, to be heard. When I think back to my childhood, it’s all that I was ever really looking for from my parents. To be seen and heard. To have my feelings validated. I’m good now, and I hold no ill feelings towards my parents at all. They tried their best. If anything, I feel sad that they didn’t have the opportunity to make things right with their mental health. Somewhere they lost their validation in the world.

So please, take the time to take care of you. Don’t perpetuate a cycle that can be corrected. I see you, and I hear you.

Thanks for reading,

~Zombie~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

health

Navigating Darkness in Therapy

Demons and Angels

Finding Peace For A Restless Soul

The pursuit of peaceful sleep

The Price of Survival

Life’s walk-Dread and Hope

Let’s talk about Mental Health