The Robert and Zombie connection. Through counseling and my own willingness to work on myself I’ve started to see life in a more positive way. My journey to finding peace continues. I do however have these blips on the radar that remind me of what lies beneath. While I’m calmer, I still feel this rage, this beast that sits just below the surface. I don’t know any other way to describe it. My counselor (Amy) and I decided that “it” was Zombie. Almost like an alter ego. Something you probably read about in a comic book. Zombie still resides within, and has moments where he wants to be heard and seen as well. Let me get more into this.

Over the years rather than try to erase all that Zombie is/was, it was decided that I’d be better served to embrace my darker side. To understand that the keen ability that I’d gained, and the very alert, watchful part of me was key to keeping me alive. Amy had asked me before how I felt about my darkness. She wanted to know what I liked and disliked about that part of me. I found it easy to respond to this. I liked the feeling of power that I had. To be the one that was feared could be exhilarating. There were people in my life for whom I had respect and also feared. It was a small handful, but the way they commanded things, and those around them was something to see. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to glamorize them, or these feelings. I’m just trying to explain who and what I am, along with how I got this way.

As I aged, I didn’t like how I felt. I was tired of being so angry all of the time. It was like the darker half of me was trying to take over everything. Sleep disorders, nightmares, broken relationships. This was the cost of being so dark. I wanted change. I wanted to feel good about myself, and be able to sleep again. At the same time I was scared of becoming too soft and losing my edge. I didn’t want to be seen as vulnerable. When I think of things like this, I think of others looking at me as a “mark.” I didn’t want to become the target… the prey. The idea of letting this part of me go was terrifying.

Amy and I discussed my reasons for still walking all of the old neighborhoods. For the longest time I really had no answer as to why I was doing it. I believe part of the reason was because there was a level of comfort to those streets. I’d spent so much time on them. I never fear them because I feel as though they’re mine. I own those streets and no one will take that from me. I don’t feel as though anyone can hurt me there because I’ve already paid my toll. I did my time, and put in my work. I get to pass through without being harmed. I also feel that by walking those streets, it reminds me of who I am and where I came from. I never want to let go of that. I never want to put myself above it. While it was hell on earth at times, it built me into who I am today.

I talked about some of the stresses that I go through in a previous blog. Social anxiety, close, or tight spaces with other humans is hard. I don’t feel that other humans respect the people around them. I know for fact that people these days seem to have no fear of saying anything that happens to climb into their mouths. They tend to spew the ugliest things with no regard for their own safety. I say it like that because I was taught that you never underestimate your opponent. You can’t simply look past someone. While people have the freedom to speak their mind, the person they’re talking to might just be the Zombie, or some other dark creature. There’s a price to be paid for disrespect in this world. On the street, it can be your life.

I experienced an event just yesterday while doing my workout at the gym. I’ll tell you that when I go to the gym, I move quickly, keep to myself and get my workout done. That being said, I was doing curls on a “preacher curl” machine when an older gentleman walked up and asked me what I was doing. I looked at him puzzled. He went on a rant about how many more sets do you have and why are you taking so long? It was a moment that I really couldn’t believe was happening. WTF was wrong with this guy and why was he coming at me so hard? His face was slightly red and he looked very agitated. I’ll also share that I wear a Garmin when I work out and have a set amount of rest time in between sets of just 40 seconds. The idea that I was laying around on a piece of equipment and taking too much time was far from the case. At the end of his rant, I felt the rage boil and it was as if my skin peeled back to allow the inner monster to flare. I stood up off the equipment and leaned towards the guy and simply said “Fuck Off.” I didn’t scream it, I wasn’t loud. Again, I was taught that you say what you mean and mean what you say. I could see his face change instantly, and he walked away. He got to see the monster in full view. The part of me that I do my best to keep locked away would not be stopped on this day. This is not bragging, and there’s always a level of sadness when this happens because I don’t like to be this way. There’s also the side of me that gets the adrenaline surge and is like YEAH! I know things like this can turn ugly. I know that I can be a better person. At that moment I felt so threatened, so disrespected, and so looked past that I just couldn’t stomach it.

The Robert and Zombie connection is still there and I know that it will be a part of my life going forward. One of the discussions that Amy and I had about the connection was the longevity of Zombie. I’m smart enough to know that I’m closing in on 60 and not as fast and strong as I once was. We’ve made jokes about me being an O.G. (old gangster) There should be more moments of simply walking away. Yesterday just wasn’t that day. I played this out in my head a million times yesterday after I’d left the gym. It carried into my night at work as well. I’ve come to the conclusion today that once again, Zombie is just a part of me. He felt the need to step forward and take control. I’ve decided I need to be alright with what happened. No one was hurt. The guy might think twice before he attacks someone at the gym again, and I’ve gone back to being Robert. True to form, I’m on here writing about it because it does me more good to see it in writing which helps me work it out of my system.

I’ve seen the quotes all over social media saying “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Also “be kind because you never know what someone is going through.” Humans should probably pay closer attention to these. They’re true statements. My sister and I discuss all of the time how “you need to be mindful of what you say because you never know who you might be talking to.” Take a soft approach. If this guy would’ve come up and asked how much more I had to do, I would’ve given him a very exact timeline… because I do time my workouts. He took a different path, and rather than getting to speak to Robert, he met Zombie.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~