It’s my belief that the first thing that goes astray for me when things aren’t going right is my sleep. My desire to rest is always present. It’s just not always achievable. I do my best to process things throughout the day so that they don’t sit with me. I also work on making sure that I breathe deeply so that I don’t get overwhelmed. I eat well and exercise on a regular basis. Yet, the creeping darkness finds its way into my slumber for whatever reason. It alerts me to everything, both past and present.
I woke up the other night and found myself so lost. I didn’t know where I was or how I got there. My dreaming can be so powerful at times that I truly feel as though I’m there, in that moment. I wake up to find myself lost and confused. This can also carry agitation and anger. I’m no stranger to bad dreams. They’ve followed me for many moons. My beginning therapy was mostly to try to get my sleep schedule back in order. I often woke up after a nightmare. I felt the need to check the entire house for intruders. That was a reoccurring dream that my counselor and I found a way to set aside. The newest ones are different and involve different people or places. They’re all dark and usually post-apocalyptic. I’m struggling and I’m aware.
The real world is enough to make anyone uneasy. I have feelings about so many different issues that are current. My most concerning issue has more to do with my past. I’ve learned that a person I thought was gone is still alive. Not just alive but in close proximity to me. This brings back so many feelings from childhood. There’s a desire to wall up and just turn on my music. The desire to become invisible again is strong. My feelings about this are split. Part of me still feels like a child and part of me is who I am today. A grown man who is much wiser and more capable. I’m much stronger now than I was. I’m better prepared as an adult to handle people. I’ve refined and sharpened. The question remains, where do I go from here?
Do you face your past or run? Do you have a conversation with darkness, or step away? I could “what if” this into eternity. I’m standing in a place that I never wanted to stand in again. I’m certain that this has something to do with my sleep and nightmares. I just don’t know how to put it back into place. All the blogs that I’ve posted on here. Sharing how I’ve progressed and worked hard, challenging others to do the same. I stand before you now with my brokenness wondering if I’ll be alright.
I came home last evening and sat in my recliner thinking through some of the day’s events. My mind wandered off into a happier place of hiking and sunshine. I began thinking of a planned vacation with my wife that is just around the corner. I did my best to travel there and feel the breeze from the ocean. The calmness, the quiet and the freedom. By doing this, I fell asleep for a little while right in my chair. I may continue to work harder on thinking of moments like that. To attempt to push aside the stresses and strains. Grab hold of the one that I love the most and forget about the world for awhile. In doing so, slumber will hopefully follow.
If I’ve learned anything on this journey, it’s that I can’t quit. To struggle can make you strong but it can also break you. My next steps will be very calculated. I owe it to myself to protect that kid inside of me who never fully understood life around him. I also owe it to those who have helped me get this far. Sleep will come again one day. The nightmares will subside. I just have to do the work it takes to make it happen. So, if you see me around and are wondering why the eyes are so dark and tired. You now know that the demons are still around me. I’m just hoping that I’m still guarded by angels.
I dedicate this blog posting to all those who seek slumber. To those who are tortured by nightmares. To those who struggle with pain from life. To those who want nothing more than to find their peace.
I find myself coming to this place more and more often. I find comfort in letting my feelings spill out onto the screen that I gaze at. I turn on some music, grab a comfy chair and start typing. This is truly a place of freedom. Unfortunately, that freedom can be censored by Open AI at times which doesn’t sit well with me. There have been several occasions when I’ve typed up my blog only to find I’m unable to get past the AI bot. It feels “something” about what I’ve written doesn’t fit inside “policy.” Tell me what about our lives fits inside a policy? Life is messy, it’s dangerous and, at times, heart-breaking. Perhaps this deep dive into AI is not the answer to all of our prayers. Perhaps it’s just another way to keep us from being human.
There was an “event” that happened in the state of Minnesota recently. I wrote a poem about said event only to have it deemed too much for the blog. This event was ugly, full of sadness and death. Something that has once again left this country reeling to find its true soul. You can have it blasted in your face by so-called news outlets 24/7 but please, for the love of all that is holy… don’t speak of it in a blog. That appears to be a bridge too far. <insert eye roll>
There are parts of my life that I’ve wanted to share on here. Pieces that were so harmful to me that I hid them away from everyone in my life. Things that took me most of my life to come to terms with. When I finally found a way and a place to type them out, I found myself censored. I can’t even describe the frustration I feel. It happens when I’m finally capable of saying something, only to have my mouth covered again. Anyone who’s experienced trauma knows that being shut down is like reliving the pain all over again.
I’ve stated so many times that my biggest trigger is to not be seen or heard. When I come to this place I do so with the intention of being heard. I want to share what has happened and how I’ve navigated everything. I want others to learn from my mistakes. To learn to be gentle with themselves in times of strife. When I take the steps forward to come out of the darkness, I need to feel the light. I don’t want to be sent back to where I came from. It defeats the purpose. To heal means that I need to unload. Writing is a huge part of my healing process. I need this space and wish it to be free from judgment. The last thing that I need is artificial “intelligence” telling me to stop being human.
This makes me wonder how long I’ll have this platform to speak from. What will I do next? Will writing a book be enough? Will I be able to have all that I’ve put in said book pass any obstacles that come forward? I think of this all the time. I’ve hit a stall in the writing of my book for these reasons and other life events. The story will be told. If I have to type everything out myself, I’ll do it. I will print each page on my own. People need to see and feel the rawness of life. I don’t want the watered down version. I want you to feel the events just as I did. To stand in the moment and feel everything. That’s what good writing can do. Just like with my sister when I had her read through the first parts of my book. She read it and just sat there, unable to articulate her feelings. She had to wait and process it before she was able to respond. Why? Because she was drawn into my world for a little bit and felt everything. I’ve said before that it’s a story that needs to be told. I just want it told my way without the interference of an overanalyzing super computer.
I appreciate the audience that I’ve gained over the years. I also appreciate the conversations that my writing has inspired. The thought-provoking feedback that I’ve received. I mean that. I’m able to carry on and keep writing because of this. There are days that your stories and feedback are what get me through the day. I’m also glad that I’m able to inspire at times. That I can reach someone who has been waiting for a spark. Perhaps someone who was sitting in the dark in the same fashion that I was. The outstretched hand helping another to stand again. That’s powerful and humbling all at once. I love what I’m doing and will always find away to speak truth. From a poor kid who struggled to be someone, I’ve found my niche. I’ve never felt more at home than I do when I’m writing. I hope that I can continue to find a path to all of you as we move forward.
Thank you so much for following along on my journey.
I sit and gaze across the landscape. It’s a country that I no longer recognize. I find my thoughts wandering. How did it get this way? Where did we go so wrong? The creeping death that roams the streets of cities and states. Hatred of others has become the anthem of the day. Care and compassion are looked upon as signs of weakness and have no place in this new world order. Cruelty is served up on a daily platter of shame, and no one seems to care.
I find myself being drawn back into the place I came from. One of safety and familiarity. The old me, the Zombie that feels nothing. Conversations with others around me only feed this desire. They laugh and joke about other humans being harmed. Humans being dragged away losing everything. Everything that was important to them means nothing to the ones it doesn’t “personally” affect. They celebrate the separation of humans who don’t look like them, or speak like them. They look at them as though they’re not humans and have no value. I’ve seen this play before and there is no happy ending to it.
The underworld is a place that was not meant to see the light of day. The people who roam in it feed on others like wolves stalking their prey. They see others as “less than”, weak, vulnerable and easy marks. I’ve sat at the table with those who would smile at harm coming to you. I’ve watched actions taken that should frighten anyone. I know how these people operate and we now have this same thing playing out before our very eyes. No longer are they being pushed below the surface. They’re allowed to harm in full view of the public. Where does this lead? Ask yourself, when they’ve finished with whatever the latest targets are, who do they come for next? If you feel that you’re safe, you’ve just set yourself up for the biggest mistake of your life.
I’ve stated before that I’ve seen humans at their very best, and also at their very worst. I struggle now to see humans being kind. Perhaps my view is different. The eyes of Zombie are always watching and see many things that others look past. The desire to adjust my view, my thinking is still there. I want this to all just be a nightmare that I can wake up from and feel good again. I want to set my armor down and walk without pain again. I’m so tired and I don’t want to see this play over again. To have to put my feelings aside and find a way to survive. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be that person ever again, yet here we are.
It’s not dramatic to state these feelings, it’s real. You need nothing more than to walk outside of your door, it’s now all around you. Walking today gave me time to try to push this sadness aside. Attempt to adjust focus and see good in the world. I was grasping for anything. Waiting for a sign to float gently before me and lift me back up. I’m still searching, hoping, praying.
I’ll do what I need to do to keep moving. My desire to live and thrive has helped me to get this far in my life. I won’t quit…I can’t. I honestly don’t think that I know how. Tomorrow will come and perhaps another chance to make things right again. Another chance to right this ship and keep it from going over. “Hold Fast” as the sailors of yesteryear would say. Hold fast to everything that you care about. Hold your desire for a better world and a place that you can be proud of. Most importantly, hold onto the ones who mean the most to you…now more than ever. I’ll do all of this and attempt to hold onto my sanity along the way.
“God willing and the creek don’t rise” is one approach we can take. I like “It’s all about finding calm in the chaos.” (Donna Karan) My search continues. Be well my friends.
On my morning walkabout yesterday I was going through some of my favorite bands and songs on my playlist. I happened upon a song that has always been the full package for me. It’s loud, powerful and is delivered with serious passion. The band is Godsmack. The song in question is “Releasing the Demons.” I think by now we all know that this has been my desire. The releasing of all that has sat deep inside of me. The very idea of getting everything that’s tortured me out sounds blissful.
Once again it reminds me that my story is one that is shared by many. The lyrics are such that I felt I’d been the one to sit down and pen them out. Many of the same feelings are carefully played out throughout this excellent piece of music. They take me through all that I’ve seen and experienced on a fast track. The brain feels like it’s on a bullet train and you’re viewing life through the windows. I connect this way to my music.
I’m sure that many of you have “special” songs. You find yourself throwing them on repeat for what feels like an endless number of times. If a song strikes a chord in you, it’s as though you never want it to end. Great music can be that bond we want to feel with so many parts of our lives. To hear someone else tell your story makes you feel seen, special and connected. When I’m having tough, or darker days, it’s especially helpful to turn on a song like that. You feel the music and the lyrics lift you up. Strength starts to pulse within you once again. You can get so caught up in that moment that you might find yourself yelling out loud… “Yeah!”
I’ve found myself in kind of a strange spot of late. A few things have changed in my space that have me working harder to hold the line. I know that life will forever ebb and flow. I do my best to roll with it. I adjust accordingly so that I can hold on to the ground that I’ve gained. Old ways that are so familiar and comfortable try to creep in when life is hard. People that I deal with make me want to internally wall back up. Frustration can turn to rage when not kept in check.
I was frustrated. I attempted to write the other day. However, the AI assistant blocked my blog. I read through it several times questioning what was wrong. There was no profanity. The subject matter was not even harsh. I did my best to rewrite things that I thought might be holding it back, but nothing worked. The end result was a lot of cussing and finally just deleting the entire piece of work. This was one of the reasons that I started wanting to write my book. I want to be able to say exactly what I want to say. I don’t want someone, or something to tell me what I can say. I know my life. I know what my feelings are and how I want to express them. To be censored on anything is just wrong. The end result was to take those feelings and attempt to redirect them in a positive direction. I chose to exorcise “the demons.”
Where do I go from here? There are many things that I hope to eventually tell all of you. If it ends up all just going into the book, then so be it. I’ll do my best to dance around the AI on here and hope to get as much out as possible. Some of the things that have changed will be discussed with my counselor. I can just tell you that I’m not yet fully clear of some of the people from my past. I’m trying to find a way through this. Which leads me back to the original song that I spoke of. “Releasing the Demons” I need to keep pushing and searching for that light, that peace. Every time the old feelings of guilt crawl back in, or regret for the sins committed… I have to release myself from all of it.
While this may seem on the darker side. I want you all to know that I still remain positive about my progress. I know that I have a strong base of humans to guide me. I also know when it’s time to pick up the phone and ask for help. My counselor knows how to do just that. For that, I’m grateful. I’ll keep writing and sharing. Sharing my steps, and missteps is good for me. Hopefully someone else can learn from this as well. Sharing and thinking that my experiences might help someone else is part of my recovery.
I’ve attached the lyrics for the song “Releasing the Demons” by the band Godsmack below.
Thank you for following along on my journey.
~Robert~
GODSMACK Miscellaneous Release The Demons What do you see in the dark when the demons come for you
If only you could have seen how fucked up my life used to be then everything starts to change supposedly healing my pain I never thought I’d feel this way I never thought that I’d see a day I’d run away from anything or anywhere or anyone Its all these demons haunting me Its all these little things trapped inside of me Releasing me from all my sin Its taken me all my anger And taken me all of my hate To learn how my life came together Releasing the demons again
And now I look through my minds eye And see where my past needs to rest Its always disturbed by these voices That echo inside of my head Another way that I can hide Another reason to crawl inside and get away from everything and everywhere and everyone NO! Its all these demons haunting me Its all these little things trapped inside of me Releasing me from all my sin
Its taken me all my anger And taken me all of my hate To learn how my life came together Releasing the demons……again
Facin the days as I grow into my own Loving and hatings the same And three-fold I told you it comes back with laughter Over and over again Its coming back
Its taken me all my anger And taken me all of my hate To learn how my life came together Releasing the demons again
Have you ever had a day when you woke up and you just felt mean? Perhaps you climbed out of bed and began wondering why you ever climbed out in the first place. Sometimes, just laying in bed sounds better. It feels more appealing than getting up and facing the world, even if you’re not sleeping. I’m having that kind of day. There’s nothing really wrong. I wrote last night which usually makes me feel pretty good. No one has openly tried to offend me. I just feel raw, unavailable, and a touch mean.
This is something I need to share. I believe that it’s relevant in all of our lives. People that struggle with depression have days where they don’t have the power to get out of bed. Some might climb out, but then crawl back in when they feel no one is watching. The energy that it takes at times feels insurmountable. I’m pretty good at willing myself out of bed, but the haze of darkness tends to follow me. I draw energy from deep within myself to get out and do things. My choice of activity for today was weight training. The feel of “heavy shit” being moved with aggression can be comforting. I chose to wear a headset today, which is normally not my thing. Today I felt differently though. I wanted to be closed off with my music and my dark feelings. I know that my counselor and I have talked about these feelings before. Rather than fighting against them, I’ve shifted into more of a welcoming mode. I let them flow as they need to. I’m not lashing out at others, or acting in a threatening manner. I’m just letting the feelings run their course.
The next order of business for me is to write. Whenever I’m like this, writing is the best thing for me. It’s cleansing just to put these words down. It’s all part of my new process that helps me to be better throughout my day. It also gives me hope that I’ll get through this phase quicker and enjoy myself as the day goes on. If not today, then tomorrow. There are no rules for any of this, I just let things go and see where it leads. I’ve found in the past that I can be the most creative when I’m in these moods. I was sharing with a friend recently that I’ve also written poetry when I’m full of darkness. I may find my way back to that again soon. I think the best way I can describe it is that I’m hypersensitive. So full of emotion that I could almost burst. There have been times that I just sat and cried. It’s very cleansing for your system. If you’ve ever been afraid or embarrassed to let go like that, don’t be. It’s good for your mind and your body. The release can be exactly what you need to move forward.
Let us not forget music. For gym purposes it’s the hardest possible music I can muster. Today it was White Zombie/Rob Zombie. Heart pumping, blood surging music that makes you so focused on your task. Once I finished with my weight training session, I moved to stretching and changed up the music to reflect this. My music is always purposeful. I switch it up with my ever changing moods. I’m currently listening to George Michael while I’m writing this. His music is a favorite to listen to while writing. Calming, deep, moving, and beautifully orchestrated. It’s safe to say that I have no idea where I’d be in this world without my music. It’s been my guide and my rescue on so many occasions. If you are feeling anything, there’s a song to match it.
Writing about this is helping me and hopefully it can be comforting to others. I know that “the struggle is real.” Dealing with everyday life, especially in this day and age can take everything we have. If you find yourself in that place of darkness, and you’re unwilling to take the first step, reflect back on this blog. Take the first step and do what you feel is best for you to keep moving. It doesn’t mean that you have to go out and run a marathon. It also doesn’t mean that you have to go out in public and have long discussions with other humans. It simply means that what you’re feeling is alright. That with time it will pass. Embrace the feelings and let them flow, gently through you. If you need someone to help you walk through this, make that call. If you just need to be with some music or a good book, do that. I just don’t want you to look at yourself like I’ve done in the past. Like I’m a monster and have no business walking among humans. We’re all uniquely screwed up. Rather than pushing it away, bring it closer and celebrate it. I use the term a lot and will continue to because it’s so perfect. We are all “Beautifully Broken.”
This one has been sitting inside of me for quite some time now. Probably because this is a question that I ask myself on a very regular basis. While I see myself as broken, I still believe (at least now) that I have value. My background can make me a challenge to be around. I feel everything and with such passion. I see things others don’t. I find myself asking why I’m like this, and why is it that others don’t feel as I do. So many questions within a question.
A certain look, an awkward glance, a less than pleasant response. These are things that I notice. I watch facial expressions, read body language and study the way in which words are delivered. With each of these it then starts a chain reaction within me. What did I do? Why is this person mad at me? It can venture deeper and even darker at times. Depending on the situation and the person involved. It can turn into something much uglier. I can feel disrespected, looked past, invisible, or threatened. The reaction to this is to become a wall of impenetrable steel. Hurt feelings become rage, and the first thing that comes to mind is “hurt them more than they’re hurting you.”
As I stated before, I didn’t choose to be this way, I was trained. The constant of “never shutting down” is ever present. Finding ways to walk all of my feelings back has been my desire. Learning to see and hear things differently. It’s a challenge. Think of this in terms of a detour. If you travel the same way to get to work everyday and one day everything is blocked off. You’re then forced to take a detour. The detour is unfamiliar and makes you uneasy. The level of comfort that you have with your commute has been taken away leaving you to feel vulnerable. Some people can adjust easily. However, many of us focus on the negative aspects that this detour has brought into our lives. That is how a broken person feels in everyday life.
I don’t seek problems, nor do I wish them upon myself. I just struggle to make that adjustment in my detour. This can make life with a significant other a struggle. These moments of inner collapse can start the search for answers. Even at this point in my relationship with my wife. I have times when I question “Am I too much?” I know how my brain is wired. I quickly grasp these subtle gestures. In most cases, they mean absolutely nothing. My “kill switch” is to shut down and become quiet. This is a time for me to process and seek inner peace so that I can act and speak appropriately. If it sounds complex, it is. Like most things that I have going on inside of me it can be exhausting. For myself and my wife.
It’s my belief that broken people are special. I don’t say this just because I’m one. I say this because the ones that I’ve encountered in my travels are all truly special. While I’ve been “gifted” with abilities that I may or may not have wanted. I also have the ability to be very genuine. A “what you see it what you get” kind of person. One that once I’ve reached a level of comfort with you, I’m truly all in. I love people deeply and hold them closely. Fiercely loyal to both friends, family. It takes time to reach this pinnacle, but once you’re there you’re truly inside of my heart.
I’ve struggled in my relationships over the years. Taken chances on people that I knew deep inside would disappoint me. Perhaps hoping for a different outcome. Had people walk away from me because I held so much of myself inside. It takes a very patient person to be with someone like me. There are risks in everything we do in our lives. Taking risks with matters of the heart is the ultimate. It takes a patient person to allow me to work through my demons. They help me figure out who I really am. They endure endless hours of counseling and still face moments when I shut down. I feel that it’s a heavy load for my wife to carry at times. I’d like to believe that what I offer in return makes it worth while. My brokenness has developed into something better over time. I see my wife as a part of my soul. I love her deeply. To say it may sound cliché, yet for me it’s everything. I’ve opened the part of me that was the most broken and welcomed her in. I lowered my barriers and took a chance, in the same way that she did with me.
For so long I looked at myself as less than. The truth is that I’m just beautifully broken. I’ve overcome and made strives to be a better human. “Are broken people harder to love?” If you have patience, understanding, and a willingness to work through the complexities, you will find a wonderful human. A wonderful human is on the other side.
The topic I’d like to get into today is self-isolation. I’ve had so many discussions with people about how they feel toward other humans. “I really hate people.” “I don’t want any people today.” There’s always the classic, “People suck.” There’s a great deal of sadness that come into me when I hear these words, or worse, hear myself saying them. It takes me back in time. I feel the isolation that I put myself in for some 40 years of my life. I still had relationships, went to work, did things. I just wasn’t being truthful about who I was, and what I struggled with. I closed off that section to everyone. At that time, it was as though you approached a room with a “do not disturb’ sign attached to the door handle. I didn’t want you to enter. I didn’t want to be with people.
“My own Prison” Of course I’ll attach this to a song because with my isolation I leaned heavily on music to keep some form of sanity. “My own Prison” was another song that resonated with me. The lyrics were powerful, heavy and had meaning that I could feel. I felt unworthy, broken and dirty. I’d reached a point where I wished every day that someone would be able to figure me out. That they’d see beyond the mask I wore. Self isolation is a prison. “Nothing in this world can torment you as much as your own thoughts.” I knew this to be true but kept things hidden anyway. What could anyone possibly have to offer that would make things better? You reach a point where you become unwilling to even entertain the idea that you can be helped. It’s a perpetual cycle. Like a rat on a wheel you keep processing things in your head and – surprise – getting the same conclusions.
This is my way of trying to warn others that isolation is not the answer. Trying to step away from or out of life will cure nothing. Leaving the living to become the un-dead is not what you might think it is. I’d use adjectives like loneliness, sadness, depression, and painful to describe what comes with self-isolation. It’s hard for me to understand why someone would try so hard to remove themselves when I’ve been working so hard to come out of the very thing they’re seeking. I hated all of it. The day that I truly realized I was trapped in my prison, it was as though a part of me died. The fun, caring youthful kid became something else. Something much darker. If I had the talent to draw my feelings, what I see in my mind is a child sitting at the bottom of a well, or some other form of darkness… Looking upwards towards the light. While it’s visible to his eyes, it’s as though it’s a million miles away and not obtainable. Love and light are just too far away, and there’s no one with a rope long enough to pull me out.
I spend some time alone nowadays but I choose being with those that I love far more. I’ve learned to be good with who I am now. Because I’m open about my life, it doesn’t feel the same. I go places and make myself be open and present in the moment. I actively listen to others, even strangers, who just want a moment to share whatever it is they feel the need to share. I say all the time that “everyone wants to be heard.” It’s very true…myself included. Not all people suck. I’ve seen the worst of them out there and can tell you that the good ones far exceed the bad. If you close yourself off to everyone, you’ll miss out on the opportunity to find the good. If you see everyone as harmful, you’ll never really feel life.
I know I’m throwing a lot out there today but I’ve had my own struggles of late. An altercation at my gym, a small meltdown at a crowded restaurant while on a weekend getaway with my wife. These things do happen and rather than just shut myself all the way down, I’ve been owning my feelings and taking steps to correct my actions. I’ve reached out to my counselor because of these types of moments in time. I want to see if there’s something still sitting below the surface in me that I need to work on. Both of my events were very hard for me to process. I didn’t want to resort to violence with the guy at the gym, but felt my “space” being taken over. I felt unsafe and threatened and when that happens bad things usually follow. I should’ve just walked away.
I want so much to part part of this world. I feel as though I’m on borrowed time and need to hurry. I missed so much by locking myself away. Don’t make the same mistakes that I have. Don’t step away, bring yourself all in. You don’t want to be sitting in the bottom of that well looking up and praying for help. Don’t design your own prison. Break free and live.
I’ve attached the lyrics to the song “My own prison” by the band Creed. It’s one of many songs that has touched me.
Thank you so much for following along on my journey.
~Robert~
A court is in session, a verdict is in No appeal on the docket today Just my own sin The walls are cold and pale The cage made of steel Screams fill the room Alone I drop and kneel Silence now the sound My breath the only motion around Demons cluttering around My face showing no emotion Shackled by my sentence Expecting no return Here there is no penance My skin begins to burn
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels their selfish pride (And I said oh) We’re all held captive Out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one
I hear a thunder in the distance See a vision of a cross I feel the pain that was given On that sad day of loss A lion roars in the darkness Only he holds the key A light to free me from my burden And grant me life eternally
Should have been dead On a Sunday morning Banging my head No time for mourning Ain’t got no time
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels their selfish pride (And I said oh) We’re all held captive Out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one
I cry out to God Seeking only his decision Gabriel stands and confirms I’ve created my own prison I cry out to God Seeking only his decision Gabriel stands and confirms I’ve created my own prison
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels their selfish pride (And I said oh) We’re all held captive Out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels their selfish pride (And I said oh) We’re all held captive Out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one
Should’ve been dead on a Sunday morning banging my head No time for mourning Ain’t got no time
I come to my blog as a way to both shed things and find myself. There are days that I feel as though I’m shedding a skin. A worn, dried and wrinkled skin that has slowed me over the years. So many things that I’ve overcome, so many feelings that I’ve worked my way through, and yet I still wander. My wandering has more purpose to it now. I seek truth, happiness, peace, and balance. All the things that we require as humans to make it through this world intact.
I think by now everyone is aware that I go outside and walk for hours at a time. The route can change based on how I’m feeling, time set aside, and of course how my body is doing. My favorite of all my routes is one that takes me back through all of the old neighborhoods. Even the areas that I spent my younger life doing all of the lawless things. It’s familiar, and with familiarity comes comfort. I’ve said before that I fear nothing and no one. Walking these areas feels no different than walking around my own neighborhood now. I know the things to look for, I know how to posture myself, I’ve mastered the skills years ago. I’m looked upon not so much as an outsider, but one of them.
These streets, how they speak to me as I move. The route never feels the same. Each time I go there’s something more to see, hear and feel. I take all of it in. On the days when I struggle a bit more, this route can be a little taxing. My vision becomes focused on things that I really don’t want to see. Yet, something in me makes me look anyway. In so many of my blogs I refer to my time out wandering as being a witness. Witnessing the beauty that the world has to offer as well as the darkness that so many choose to ignore. I feel one with all of it now. I seemed to have developed a gypsy spirit. Wandering is something that I feel is necessary for me to do. I want to see as much as possible while I’m still breathing. It doesn’t take much to convince me into walking out the door and getting lost. You just have to say the word and I’m there.
Comfort is where you find it. I’m sure we all have certain things that put us at ease. Things that make us comfortable. Reading a good book, surfing social media, sharing wine with a friend. All the many different things that make us unique. I find that my time spent writing is very relaxing. Enjoying music in the background while doing anything is key to my comfort. I live and breathe music. I also find that my dogs are satisfying to my heart and soul. They give me so much love. The look that I receive when I walk through the door is unmatched by any human. If I step outside to get the mail, two sets of eyes will gaze at me when I return. Their tails will be wagging. They have a look of satisfaction because I’m there. I won’t lie when I tell you that I sing to my dogs while petting them. It’s a freeze frame moment. They stop and just stare at me in such a deep fashion. You just know that you’re loved unconditionally. I highly recommend a dog in your life, especially if you struggle with any form of mental illness. “A home is only complete when it has a dog in it.” At least that’s how I see it.
I’ve been spending more time working on pages in my book. This in turn makes me want to then blog more. I’m sure that some of you have noticed I’ve been shooting them out left and right. Some of it has to do with feelings that have crept up during the writing process. If I feel that I’ve gotten too deep in what I’m writing in the book. This blog helps to settle me and bring back the calmness. I’ve been working on portions that have to do with some very toxic relationships. I blogged about some of that earlier this week. Women that have had serious anger issues. One of them was a serious stalker. Then of course there were the alcoholics. The writing process is such that I feel like I’m going back through all of this. Feelings came forward that were so intense I had to get up, walk around the the house and pet my dogs. It was as though I was still living in these moments. Trying to keep it separated from your current reality can be tough. I’m sure you can all relate in some fashion. We’ve all had some kind of relationship that caused us damage. If you think of that person now, what does it make you feel? I wear my Garmin and can actually watch my heart rate jump. When I was typing about the stalker, it spiked!
I enjoy sharing all of this with the world now. Funny how I’ve spent so much in my life hiding everything away, and for what? For fear of being judged? People judge you no matter what you do in life. I prefer this new and more open version of myself. I also like having a platform. It allows me to reach others who might suffer in the same way that I have. I’ve had some great conversation from things I’ve blogged about. I’ve also had great conversations that have sparked feelings that in turn prompted me to write. It’s safe to say that writing for me is the ultimate in comfort.
While I had a small set back this week. I feel good today. I’m better equipped to handle stresses now. My counselor has taught me much and given me the tools I need to flourish in my life. I see things differently now. I’ve read back through some of my earlier blogs and can actually see the growth. I see some hope now where all I could see before was sadness. I think that once I’m able to get through this book writing I’ll feel clean. When I write my final page I can look down and smile. I’ll know that what I have then is my life lived. All of my sadness, anger, cruelty, brokenness, and deceit are balanced. They are balanced with all of the desire, hope, understanding, guidance, patience, and love.
I’m only one person on a giant planet full of many people. While I’m only one, my story is unique. It’s one that needed to be told. The events required witnesses. That’s where you all step in. You’re a witness to all of this. I appreciate that I have all of you to read what I have. To walk the streets with me and see everything that I see. Whether it’s through my eyes or the eyes of Zombie. We’ll move forward together.
I’m going to jump into a topic that could get long winded. I’d like to explore relationships on several different levels. Get into the how and why we align ourselves with certain types of people. Is it that we seek a certain type of person to be part of our life, or do these people seek us. There have certainly been many times throughout my life when I’ve encountered less than desirable people. In some cases even had more intimate relationships with them. Later in life I look back and wonder what it was that caused this. Why would I put myself in such a bad position? Let’s take a deeper look at all of this and see how it unwinds.
I’ll start where I usually do and tell you that I was groomed at a young age by a man who knew exactly how to manipulate other humans. He was a master at the craft and did his best to then train me to be the same. This was my first real encounter with someone who I should’ve never let into my life. I was too young to understand what he was doing. I was still trying to learn what the world was all about when he arrived. There was a level of trust because he was friends with my father. We seek approval from our parents, and we use them as a guide when we’re children. If they have this person in their world, well then it must be o.k. for me to have them in mine, right? Predators find their way into all kinds of circles: Friends, family, and social structures such as churches, clubs etc. They know what they’re doing and they know what to look for. This had me asking as an adult, what was I doing that made me such a target? Did I send out some kind of vibe or have some kind of marking on me that said I would be an easy target? I questioned myself for so many years. Sat in silence wondering what I had “done.” Self isolation and self evaluation turned into self hatred. I did this to myself. I brought this upon myself was what I began to think. Nothing could be further from the truth!
As I moved through my life, I continued to be in situations with people that I knew deep inside of me were not going to be good for me. It’s my belief that I did this because of my lack of self-esteem and the damage that had already occurred. When you think so little of yourself, that opens the door for the ones that we should steer clear of to come in. It again brings me to the question, did I invite them? When I was at my most reckless, I didn’t believe that I’d live long. This way of thinking had me doing things that one would normally never do. I chose people who were damaged and broken. They were seeking refuge in my world from whatever demons followed them. Their issues then became mine. This is where things got ugly.
As I stated before. I’m a keen study of humans and tend to notice things that many would not. I could see these people who struggled, or were predators, coming yet did nothing to stop it. Perhaps in some cases I felt that I could “fix” them. Make the world they lived in better somehow. Like I had the power to move mountains. The “white knight syndrome” as I refer to it. I can ride in, fix all the broken and everything will be good again. It just doesn’t work that way with humans. We’re too complex for that. Whether it was the “friends” that I chose to be around, or the women that I chose to be partners with. The results kept coming up the same way. I encountered alcoholics (numerous), stalkers, manipulators and violent humans. When I tell you that I’m surprised that I’ve survived so much of my life, it’s a very true story. I’m grateful that I’m still here and able, as well as willing to talk about all of this.
Being with a person who says that they love you and then does horrible things to you should make you stop and ponder your life situation immediately. While attempting to break apart from a toxic relationship in my life, I found myself on the receiving end of someone telling me that if I left them they would kill themselves. Think about that statement for a second. The weight placed upon you from the guilt that comes with such words. Guilt is a weapon that is used to control. “If you don’t do as I say this will happen and it will be your fault.” That’s what I was hearing. I will tell you now that my response to this was to end the relationship and if this person “chose” to harm themselves, it was not my burden to carry. Yet I could see how someone could fall into that trap. It wasn’t without some serious thought that I came to the decision that I did. I’ll tell you now that this person never harmed themself and moved on in their life. It was nothing more than someone trying to be controlling and take my own power away from me.
The stalker: I dated a woman for only a couple of months and decided that it wasn’t something I wanted to pursue any longer. The response was unsettling. It began with a constant barrage of notes and letters left on my vehicle. A tape recording that had both songs and her speaking was left on the gate of my parents’ home for me. From there it went to being followed while out on runs or when going to the store. She was a police officer in my city so I found myself getting pulled over several times…”just to talk.” When it ramped up into subtle threats, I had to hire an attorney who then sent a letter to the police department asking that she cease and desist. A protective order was also put into place. This finally put an end to what had become a nightmare. Looking over your shoulder all the time is something that I’d done earlier in my life and found myself doing yet again.
The alcoholic that chose the bottle every single time over our relationship: It didn’t matter how reckless it was, or who was hurt along the way. The only thing that mattered at the time was the drink. There were several alcoholics in my world. Some I dated and finally moved on from, two of them I actually married. The ones that I married were very good at hiding their desire for booze. It came out later on once they found their level of comfort with me. I guess they felt that I was on the hook now because of the vows I made, so it was cool to unleash hell. The first marriage was the easy one to walk away from. We had no children and had not been married for that long. I felt tortured that I’d made this “mistake.” The second marriage was much uglier. There were children involved and I was now dealing with the lives of kids who didn’t have a say in all of this. I thought at the time that it would be best to stay in the marriage for the sake of “saving” the kids. Please don’t ever use this way of thinking. The kids suffered damage and would regardless of my relationship with their mother. I couldn’t shield them from the wrath of an angry drunk. I wasn’t around 24/7 to control all situations. I found the strength to push away from her and build something with the kids. More damage came from this relationship and I’d lost faith in myself. How did I let this happen?
A wise and wonderful woman came into my life through Al-Anon and became my sponsor. I live by so much of what she taught me to this very day. We sat together one day and had a discussion about people who have come and gone in our lives and how all the problems came to be. In my case with relationships she made it simple. “You need to readjust your antenna.” While I chuckled at the statement she made it clear that I needed to stop looking for women I felt I could save or change. This also carried over into any other relationships in my life. Think things through and choose people who don’t “need” you. They just simply want to be with you because they choose to. They can stand on their own two feet even if you’re not there. When I made that change for myself, I found that I suddenly attracted better people. My current wife is the one that I found by making that adjustment. She’s capable of being on her own, she needs nothing from me, but chooses to be with me, and I with her. Coming up on 20 years, so I think it’s safe to say that it was a smart move.
I think that the answer to the question of do we seek these people or do they seek us is a combination of both. When you’re broken you can certainly allow yourself to make bad decisions. It doesn’t make you a horrible person, it just means that you’re going to struggle unnecessarily. Fixing whatever it is inside you that needs fixing is the first step. I’ve always agreed with the saying that “you can’t love someone else unless you love yourself first.” Along with this, there are people out there who have similar abilities that I do. They can see things that most don’t pay attention to. They use this for their own personal gains. They use the ability to seek those whom they feel they can manipulate and control. My training early on was on purpose. The man who was training me wanted to turn me into someone who could both see trouble coming and also recognize an easy target. So I know what I’m talking about here. This is part of the pain that I carry now because I see so many around me who struggle, or are tortured in relationships that are broken. I hear their cries of pain without ever getting into all of their details. They’ve been selected by someone who is there to further their own agenda. That’s not love, it’s predatory.
Insanity is often described as “repeating the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result.” I learned that I was repeating the same things and always wanting for something better. It wasn’t until I made changes to myself that I found better results. Understand that just because you’ve made mistakes in your life doesn’t mean that you have no value. Just because you’ve divorced several times doesn’t make you less. I can’t say it enough that we’re all just humans trying to find our way. If you’ve made a poor decision and it’s causing you pain, make the necessary changes to stop that hurt, don’t allow it to fester. There’s no judgment involved in wanting better for yourself. It’s not selfish to want to find peace. If it’s selfish, then sign me up for being selfish, because I want peace more than anything.
I wear a band on my Garmin watch that says “Stalked by Demons, Guarded by Angels.” I’ve been stalked by demons for far too long and welcome the guardians. I want others to do the same. I’m still here today because I’ve always believed somewhere deep inside of me that I was good, that I had value. Even when so many looked the other way. Even when I was preyed upon. I held onto my inner voice. That voice is louder than ever now and I’m finally seeing the light. Ask yourself if you’re willing to do the same. No, none of this has been easy, but no one said that life was. Hold onto that voice and be the change that will bring you peace.
This is the part of me that I never wanted to share with others. These are the thoughts that haunt me at every turn in my life. The self-doubt, the sadness, the desire to be seen. All of the things that I was trained to put aside and keep moving no matter what. They all still reside inside of me to this very day. While I’m much better than I was earlier in my life, the struggle remains. The hardest part is that you never know when it will emerge. It can unexpectedly turn you upside down. A stalking burglar waiting for the right time to attack.
I recently decided to take my wife on a quick overnight trip to Indianapolis to see a WNBA game. It was something that I thought she’d enjoy and out of our “usual” order of places to go. While she’d been to the city on prior visits with her brother to see Drum corps competition. This would be a first for the two of us. I threw the idea to go and see a game out to her and she grabbed hold. I purchased some nose bleed seats for a game. I also scored a hotel with parking. We were all set for an adventure. The drive was a little on the boring side. On the route between Ohio and Indiana, all you find are giant farm fields. There are also giant churches. Neither of which screams for my attention. We arrived in town and headed for a local brewery that also doubled as a dog park. While I have zero interest in beer, I love seeing and touching dogs. It was a cute place. It was set in a neighborhood. It reminded me of the “Old West End” back in Toledo. Old homes that had been redone, apartments that were situated because it was also home to Indiana University. My wife selected some beers to sample. She would eventually have them fill a growler for her with the winning flavor. There were dogs situated about the place and a big screen showing others outside playing in all forms of water. It was an overall cute experience.
From there we made our way to our hotel, got parked and situated. The next order of business was to find lunch. We searched all the places in walking distance and settled on a place that Karla had been to prior. It was a popular place. Once we arrived, there were people waiting both inside and outside to get a spot. It was at this point that I could feel my anxiety start to build. Once getting inside the door, the closed off feelings started to come into play. A guy waited with his family. He was getting way too close in my space. I found myself beginning to evaluate my surroundings. God, I hate when my brain starts doing this but it’s like a knee jerk reaction. I look around and start to check exits, look at people that could be threats, and shut down internally. The guy behind me had already bumped into me twice causing me to give looks of disapproval. My wife said to hang on. She assured me it would only be about 10 minutes. I wasn’t sure if I’d make it. The space was too cramped. It was warm because of the heat from the door opening and closing so much. The people were not good about personal space. This is what goes on in my head. These are the types of things that my spouse has to process right along with me. She’s become a unwilling participant in my illness.
Trying to explain these feelings to my wife, or anyone for that matter can be taxing. I already have feelings of guilt because I can’t go into a stupid restaurant without getting mentally pressed. Is it fair for someone else to go through these things with you? Does she really understand? How can she be with me? These feelings weigh heavily on you. They sit at the table with you as you try to explain that you’ll be alright. The attempt to explain that the space was bad and the people were touching you almost sounds absurd. I wrestle with this all of the time. This afternoon on our get away would be no different. Once we were in our own space and I could breathe again, I began to find my center. I slowly started to calm down and make light conversation with our server. The game that would follow was great. I did my own assessments as we walked through the complex. I managed to stay focused on this new experience. I was able to stay present during the game and not worry about everything around me.
Once we released out after the game and hit the street. I felt the calm that I’d been searching for. My desire to be on the street felt more at home. I enjoyed walking about and taking in the sights. Yet, I was still evaluating those that could be threats. When I talk about my walks across the city, I feel at ease. I also feel the same way during hikes through trails in parks. The following morning after the game we woke early and headed out for a walkabout in the city. Taking in all that Indy had to offer. Enormous sports complexes, old homes, warehouses that had been converted into either apartments or commercial businesses. The local zoo and a river walk. We found ourselves caught up in a local 5K while walking and just took notice at all the many teens that were participating in the event. It made me smile to see so many youth taking part in the sport that brought me so much peace. I couldn’t help but think maybe there were some in the group that felt like I do about running. Perhaps it was their best friend too. Again, it made me smile. It’s times like this that I feel free and want to just be. I enjoy being with my wife, talking about whatever comes to mind. I truly feel happy when we do our walks. How funny that I derive so much pleasure from something that cost nothing. Don’t get me wrong. I loved going to the game. However, I found more happiness in the walk with Karla on the following morning.
This weekend has shown me that I’m still capable of getting through things that in the past I never would’ve been able to do. It’s also given me a reminder that I still have more work to do. You are enjoying a part of your life. You’re with the person you truly want to be with. You don’t want to explain why you feel bad. Why you feel unloved, or broken. My sister and I just talked about the ability to love. “I told her that we’re unable to love others unless we can love ourselves first.” She agrees. I do love myself, at least enough now that I can share my feelings with someone else. It didn’t come right away, but it’s come now to stay. I’ve promised my wife that if she can see through all of my faults/flaws, there is someone on the other side that is worth spending her time with. She’s still here after almost 20 years together, so I’m hopeful she does see the value in me that for me at times is the biggest struggle of them all.
The zombie file 