Embracing Life: Finding Joy Amidst Mortality

January 3, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Big topic today. This has been rolling around in my head a bunch. I wasn’t really sure how I wanted to approach it because I have views that not everyone will be comfortable with. The topic is death. Well, life and death. The approach that we take to things during our life and what influence it might have is a part of this. The end result is the same for all of us, we will die one day. What happens after that is open to much interpretation. I’ll do my best to get this to all make sense…so, hang on.

We roll through our lives at such a high rate of speed at times that it’s almost overwhelming. I do my best to slow things down and really take in all of the subtleties. That wasn’t always the case. I think we can all agree that when we’re younger, our focus is not so much on how long we’ll live, but how much fun we can cram into the shortest amount of time. The other side of that is that as we age, we find that we appreciate everything much more, including time, and our health. There needs to be a balance there of sorts. We need to stay young in our thinking so that we continue to try to do the things that make us happy. As adults, we tend to get caught up in the whole rat race and fall into ruts. Going through the motions of waking up, working, going to sleep…rinse and repeat. LOL! Now I know that things do go on in between that, but how much? What things are you still trying to do that make you truly happy inside?

I’ve always felt that work is nothing more than a means to an end. It provides me money so that I can pay my bills, eat and survive, so it’s kind of important. There was a point in my life when I was searching for some kind of “career”, and doing what I could to climb the company ladder. I found that it gave me no real satisfaction, in fact, it probably caused even more unwanted stress in my life. Trying to find the “it” that your boss was looking for. Adjusting your life to the ever changing whim of an employer is just exhausting. Do yourself a favor, do the job that is expected of you so that you can collect the check that you need, and nothing more. If you leave, or die tomorrow, the employer won’t give a rat’s rump. You’ll just be replaced by some other soul and the game will continue. I’ve always been willing to do what is required of me and I do it to the best of my abilities each and every day. That should thrill any employer on the planet. I show up, work hard, and I leave. I don’t create drama, I just get things done.

When I was younger, things looked different to me. I wasn’t sure that I’d make it past the age of 30 and that was actually a number a little higher than what I was really thinking. I didn’t enjoy my life that much and was always searching for “something.” Mostly a way out of the life that I’d fallen into. It was during those years that I was focused on surviving, yet had no fear of dying. I mean really, when you reach a certain point, dying is much easier than surviving. It takes a lot of work to survive in this world and you have to be willing to go through the struggles to make it. I had some friends, had a girlfriend or two back then, but nothing substantial. I was going through the motions and surviving. The change was coming though.

Being an adult and finding my way in the world became interesting. My desire to be a better person happened overnight and made a profound change in how I viewed the world. I always hope that others find a similar path, or at least some kind of path to change for the better. Being trapped in darkness is no way to go through this world. Once I’d parted ways with some of the folks from earlier on, I took steps to do things the right way. Once I discovered running, oh man! Everything changed for me. It was like someone had turned on a light! I’m quite certain that I’ve said it enough times to make everyone crazy by now. Running was the one thing that truly saved my life. Does that happen for everyone that takes it up? I don’t know. I do know that I’ve met some interesting people along the way who had stated that running had performed some kind of miracle for them as well. Some walked away from drinking, others quit using recreational drugs. Some had found a way out of an abusive relationship. Running has done many things for many people throughout my life thus far. “Running never takes more than it gives.” For real…

When out running, or walking, I’ve learned to really take things in. As I’ve stated before, I’m very much a voyeur in this world and running opened my eyes to things that were so moving, and profound, it could move you to tears. Sunrises and sunsets are always a favorite. Flocks of birds flying in unison can be remarkable. The sounds of the seasons…be it ever changing, each season has its own sounds and smells that must be taken in. These are the things that remind me of what an amazing planet I live on and how wonderful it is to be alive. I find every mile that I spend out on the road to be beneficial in some manner. I can leave all of my troubles or worries out there, and trade them for something better. It’s a gift to be able to run, or walk for hours. I look forward to every single time I walk out the door. Wondering what life has to show me today.

Now that I’ve thrown all of that out there. There’s a part of me that wonders how much time I have left. Is this mid-life crisis coming on? I’ve just had these feeling that I need to see and do so much, like it’s all coming to an end. I’ve not been diagnosed with some awful disease that’s prompted this, I just suddenly decided that it was time to really focus on all of the small things. Once I started having these feelings, I began reading articles that talked about the end of life. The most talked about thing that people said towards the end was “they wished they had more time.” I don’t even know how much time I have left at this point, but I feel that way already. Knowing that I still have to work to continue to support my existence makes me feel like it’s time wasted. I’ve worked hard on changing my perspective on this and trying to enjoy my job more. Not so much the job, but more the people that work by my side. I’m working harder on forming bonds with them – not something that’s been my strongest attribute. I’ve decided that if I have to be in the place, I need to make it a better place to be in. An extended home if you will. Don’t ever do the math on how much of your life you’ve spent or are spending at work, it’s depressing…lol! Yeah, I did that.

Along with these feelings about my end of life, I wonder what impression I’ve made, if any on others. I keep a pretty small circle around me, so it makes me wonder what, if anything will be remembered about me. When I leave this earth, will anything that I wrote touch someone after I’m gone? Will the conversations that I’ve shared stay in someone’s memory until they to leave this earth? I know it’s heavy stuff, but you really can’t manage how and when things are going to pop into your head. Here’s a hard one to explain. I’ve always felt that we truly walk this earth alone. I think at this point that was brought about by the damage that I suffered earlier in my life. Keeping so much of myself silent and hidden continues to bleed into so much of my thinking. I want to break that feeling and cherish all of the small things. If I’m at work, I want to have good, meaningful conversations with my co-workers. I’d like to perhaps leave my mark on them, so that when they no longer have me around, they’ll speak kindly of me and perhaps share a story of my silliness. I want this with my family as well. We’ve spent so many years fractured, that I want to make the best of whatever’s left. I think I can get there.

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Reason, Season and Lifetime. This is a poem that for many years I had on the front of my refrigerator. It has to do with the different ways that people come in and then go out of your life. It gives perspective, and reassurance that they don’t always leave your life because of something you did. They simply served the purpose that they were meant to. I’ll drop it on here:

People come into your life for a reason,
A season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will
Know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a
REASON, it is usually to meet a
Need you have expressed. They have come to
assist you through a difficulty, to provide
you with guidance and support, to aid you
physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to
be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your
part or at and inconvenient time, this person
will say or do something to bring the
relationship to an end. Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they
act up and force you to take a stand. What
we must realize is that our need has been
met, our desire fulfilled, their wake is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered
and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a
SEASON, because your turn has come to
share, grow or learn. They bring you an
experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never
done. They usually give you an unbelievable
amount of joy. Believe it, it is real.
But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and
put what you have learned to use in all other
relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is
blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

I feel that this poem helps me to understand many of the relationships that I’ve had over the years. It also gives me vision for how some of them might end in the future. There are so many things that I still don’t understand. The only thing that I’m sure of at this time is that I want to live the rest of my life to the fullest. The loss of my mother was a changing point in my life as well. She lived with so much regret about her own life that it made me sad for her. My father was much the same. He chose to push away so many who were close to him that when he became immobile, he was bitter at the world, and felt that no one was left to care about him. Watching them in their final stages of life gave me pause. I needed to change directions so that I wouldn’t have the same fate or feelings. Death will certainly find us all, but we can do our best to dance and sing until it arrives. Be joyful in our own skin, and walk each day as though it really matters…because it does.

In closing I’ll just say this. Nothing is more important than your happiness. Find what it is that truly makes you happy and go do it. Talk, laugh and sing with those that you surround yourself with as often as you can. If you must sit at work, than do everything you can to make it more enjoyable for yourself. It might even carry over into others. Who knew that work could be a fun place to be? When death comes for me, I want to smile at it, and say it’s alright now, I’ve done everything that I came here to do.

I’ll see you on the other side…

~Robert~

My Path to Healing

December 15, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

This has been a busy week on the counseling front. I managed to get in two sessions within a couple of days, which was very helpful. I said some of the worst things, out loud, and in front of someone else. I have a witness of sorts to some, but not all of what I’ve gone through. Conversations that I had that torment me to this very day. Threats, manipulation and grooming were items covered. I had to look within myself, honestly and speak truth. I sat before someone that I’ve grown to trust more than just about anyone in my life and emptied my soul. She (Amy my counselor) has listened without judgment for years. She’s seen me regress at times, shift back to a child at moments, and has guided me through so many dark alleys. She has never wavered in her support, and has always believed that I’d be whole again, safe from everything. Her words have stayed with me when I’ve felt myself slide backwards. It’s been there when I stopped believing in myself. It’s been there to teach me to that what I really am through all of this…Is a survivor.

The emotional toll that trauma can have on the body and mind can be tremendous. There have been times that I’ve left her place and struggled to even drive myself home. On numerous occasions, I’d leave there and go to Meijer and just walk around. I’m not sure why, but there’s something about just doing an “ordinary” thing after such discussions that grounds you. It brings you back to the present. It’s become kind of a joke when I say that I’m doing my post therapy walkabout at Meijer. Some sessions can be so intense that I just really need to shut down and breathe. When I talk about going to therapy/counseling with others, I like to say that I feel everyone could benefit from time speaking with a trained professional. It’s true. We all have secrets that we hide. Secrets that are possibly causing further damage as we age. Secrets that need to reach the surface, be looked at safely, then put away in a manner that will serve our mental health in a positive fashion. In some cases, secrets that just need to be shared so that an objective person can explain clearly to you that it was not your fault. Free you of the burden of having to carry such things around for the rest of your life.

I’ve learned much sharing space with Amy. I’ve learned to pay attention to my body when I’ve been triggered. To pay attention to my breathing and try to be present with it. I need to be kinder to myself and above all, forgive myself. One of the things that I’ve learned of late is that my darkness, along with abilities that I’ve gained through life events have served me well. They’ve kept me alive when there’s no reason that I should still be walking. They’ve given me the gift of sight…the ability to see things that most would never pay attention too, both good and bad. Almost like an intensified vision. I believe that I’ve referred to this before as being a witness to events in the world. I’m seeing things because they need to be seen, or witnessed. Rather than always looking at myself as bad, or evil, I just look at all of it as just a part of me. The two wolves become one.

I don’t know where the rest of my life will take me, I can’t see that good. I know that there are still things that could be discussed, but for now, I’m going to just be. I know that Amy is just a phone call away, and for that, I’m grateful. I don’t want to fully rely on her, but rather accept the tools that she’s gifted me with. The idea behind sitting with her has always been to walk on my own again. I don’t fear falling down as much as I used to now. I also know that if I do fall, I can get back up and will be alright because I choose to. Life is full of choices, Lord knows that I’ve made some interesting ones during my younger years. Through all of it I’ve remained driven to be something more. To be better…always. Even during the darkest of times, I was driven to find a way through, then out! It’s no different now. I make choices each day to continue.

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I always copy Amy in on everything that I write. I’m guessing like many of you, she’s fallen behind. Sorry folks, I have so much still to write about. I think I needed to take this time to say Thank you to her and have all of you as a witness to that. She’s a humble and gracious person and I’m sure doesn’t expect anything like this. There have been a couple big moments in my life that were life altering. Two of the biggest were this. The day that I went to Pearson park to walk and decided to start running. I’d gone there originally with all kinds of wild ideas in my head. I wasn’t sure if I could see a path forward at that time and the next thing you know, running found me. I’ve had a wonderful relationship with running ever since that day. The second was meeting my counselor, Amy. She saw something in me that I couldn’t, or wouldn’t see in myself. She guided me down roads that I didn’t want to travel, only to come out on the other side a better person. She’s sat with me while I cried, both tears of pain and joy, and listened to everything. It’s these moments, people, events that have made me see that I have value. I don’t think that I’ll ever be alone again.

Until we meet again…

~Robert~

Life’s walk-Dread and Hope

October 21, 2024October 21, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I have to be honest. I really don’t know how to be anything else. When I’m out doing my walks, there are days that I’m out there to kind of unload the stress of the day, or workweek. I take the time to breathe and see the beauty of the world. There is so much out there that is wonderful. Yet, on certain trips around, it’s as though I’m tuned into a different channel. I feel dread, and see the ugliness. I’ll touch on these for a moment and let’s see where it goes.

Recently, I went out on my usual walks about the city. I started out pretty much the same on both of these adventures, so I had no predetermined agenda. I wasn’t in a bad mood, or particularly stressed, but found myself going in two very different directions. On the day I felt darkness, it seemed as though there was a strange haze around the city. The weather has been pretty good, yet it just didn’t look the same. I found myself paying attention to odd things, garbage, broken down cars, burnt out houses, drug induced humans, all those things. When I start seeing this, it makes me start to wonder, how did things get this way? Why doesn’t anyone else see this? Why doesn’t anyone seem to care, about anything? It frustrates me. This then turns into, why doesn’t anyone pick things up? What is wrong with this world? I see people wandering about without a care in the world, kicking trash, breaking windows, stealing things, it just becomes overwhelming. My mind will move to how they were raised, or the lack of guidance. What kind of home did they come from? Will they ever break their cycle? Seriously, this goes on mile after mile. I’m grateful that as the miles go, I eventually find at least a small amount of peace, even after everything I’ve experienced.

I’ve always tried to explain to my wife that I don’t “choose” to be negative, or see the bad, I’m just wired differently. I find that we have a good trade off at times. She sees things like through the eyes of a child, and that gives me hope. She speaks of the good in others when I see anger and despair. When I’m angry about something, she’s a master of showing me a different view, or allowing me to see her perspective. I’m grateful for that. If left to my own, I’d probably hide myself away. When we walk together, on most of our trips, I’m able to stay on her vibe. There are still those times when I’m seeing things, evaluating threats and being ever watchful. I don’t share all of this with her for a couple of reasons. I don’t want her to be scared or fearful. I also don’t want her to look at me as though there’s something wrong with me, or that I’m being paranoid. I fear being judged by my own wife, probably more than anyone on this planet.

Now, when I’m seeing all of the positive, I still process threats and safety, but I’m very open to the beauty of the world. There is so much to see in our small city. The tiniest of details can make me smile. I love the rebuilding of the river front area and all through downtown. There’s a feeling of hope in areas that have been plagued for years with blight and filth. There’s a new spirit in areas like the farmer’s market, or the new park on the East side! I’ve watched that turn from an abandoned field to one of the crown jewels in the area. Even walking up Main street on the East side. It’s starting to see newness and change happening. Being that I come from that side of the river, I’m hopeful that it will see better days in the future.

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If you’ve ever taken a long walk with me, you’d likely never know that I’m processing threats, or watching out. I’m not vocal about it. I can only tell you that I’ll chat and enjoy your company. Just know that I’ve evaluated everything around us, and I can say with clarity that you’re safe, and protected. As for the why this all happens, I really don’t know. I feel like my brain is directing me and I don’t have a say in it. I’ve touched on this before. I feel like I’m to be a witness to whatever it is that I’m seeing. That it’s required to be acknowledged by someone. If not me, then who?

I think this is why I do so much better with someone walking along with me. It tends to bring a calmness to the runaway train within me. I’ve had discussions with my counselor on numerous occasions about “always being on.” I’ve not figured out how to shut things down or stop doing my “threat assessments.” As you can probably imagine, it can be exhausting. There are days that I just wish I could hit a button and not be going full speed in my head. While I have my different channels, there’s still a lot going on. I prefer the softer side yet I know the other still exist.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and we touched on our pasts. Some of the things that we went through and experienced. I knew that this person had a bit of trauma in there, yet they didn’t seem to care about it anymore. Stated that they chose to just move forward. It was at that moment that I felt myself falling internally. Why was I still struggling then? How come I can’t just see things as in my past and move on? Why do I need to analyze things so much? Once those words came out, I didn’t speak about the subject any longer. I’d heard lines like that before and it just makes me feel lesser. I don’t want to be judged. I had to remember what I always tell my wife. It’s not a choice, if it was that easy, I’d choose happiness to rain down on me for the rest of my days! I’m working very hard to set things on one channel. To see things that are beautiful rather than ugly. To bask in the sunshine rather than the dark. I’m painfully aware that I’m damaged goods. I’ve made the choice to try to correct that, but I know that it’ll take time. My case is one of many out there, so I know that I’m not alone. “This too shall pass.”

I’ll continue to take my walks and enjoy the company of whomever decides to walk along. I’ll keep working on getting things right, or at least find some kind of peace with who and what I am. I know that I’m not alone and that there is beauty in this world. That’s a start. I know that there are those that love me, and that helps to keep me whole. I also know that there are many that find things that they need themselves in my writing. That centers me. I’m humbled when people tell me that they enjoy reading my blog entries. I’m already a much better version of myself than I was years ago, so I can be fixed. Please know that I don’t choose to be this way. The choice that I made years ago was to walk away from demons and attempt to live a better life. I always joke and say that I never thought I’d make it past 30 years old, and here we are. I turned 58 last month. You all stick around and I will as well. I’ll get this thing right and find what it is that I seek.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

~Robert~

Beautifully Broken

October 18, 2024October 18, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

“Everyone could use a little counseling.” Words that I often share when having discussions with friends or co-workers. Might sound cliché but it’s true. Being human means that we’re flawed, and raised by others that were also flawed themselves. It’s a strange kind of merry-go-round that we can’t seem to ever get off. The best that we can hope for, is to get a better understanding of who we are and what has hurt us. Come along with me and we’ll take a look back.

The past life. This is a reference that I’ve used in many of my blogs. During my upbringing, I crossed paths with another human that took me under wing to show me how to have a “better life.” That was the way it was billed. A better life sounded great! I was a poor kid from the wrong side of the tracks, raised by parents that did their best at the time to provide a decent life. We unfortunately struggled with the necessities to get by. Keeping a place to stay was the main focus, and that was troublesome at points throughout my life. Food, heat, clothing were luxuries. When things were going good for my father with work, we ate pretty good. During those times, it’s almost like we couldn’t stop eating because we were worried that we’d be without again. Hiding snacks was a thing in the home. I’d keep small bags of food hidden away in my bedroom so that when the food was not as plentiful, I’d still have something. The heat and lights would get turned off on occasion because a bill didn’t get paid, but we found ways to get by. Let me point out that I’m not trying to put my parents down, they were just not well equipped to handle many of life’s struggles. Going back through this just gives you a better picture as to why I strayed into the Lion’s den.

The human that wanted to give me a better life was a friend of my fathers. My father knew nothing of the arrangement that I’d make with this man, and I’d hoped that he’d never find out. The idea of getting ahead and making some money sounded like an ideal situation. It started out slowly. I was being taught how to see the world. I refer to this at times as being “groomed.” I was paid to sit at one of his establishments and watch everything going on. He’d occasionally walk by me and ask a question about something going on in the bar. “Do you see that guy over there, what’s he wearing?” “What brand cigarettes is the girl at the bar smoking?” Small things that would turn into bigger things. He was all about being an expert voyeur. He would tell me all the time that it was good to be quiet. Quiet breeds strength and power. At the time it made little sense, but as I aged, it meant everything. The steps that followed would be much darker, and would involve harming others. I will say this. I learned quickly that drugs in our community are by far the darkest, ugliest vice. People will say, or do anything to reach whatever high they’re seeking. These eyes have seen much and I have no way to erase it.

Dipping my toe back into these stories always makes me nervous. I feel as though there’s always someone lurking, watching, studying me and my habits. It’s because of this time in my life that I became such a light sleeper. I’ve also struggled with insomnia for many years. That, accompanied with reoccurring nightmares that would always be the same. I knew the story line by heart. It was as if I was watching it on a television or from above while it was going on. The sound of a hissing female voice in my ear telling me that they were in my house and wanted to know where all of my “stuff” was at. It gives me goose bumps just talking about it now. It was as if Medusa herself was speaking to me. I’d usually wake myself up about this time and realize that I’d been having “my dream”, but always felt very unsettled. Enough so that I’d have to get up out of bed and check all of the doors and windows in the house. If I felt bad enough, I’d go outside and do a full perimeter check of the property. Yes, it was always that bad, or at least it felt that way to me. These are the kinds of things that stay with you. The damage that comes from years of paying attention to every detail. Being the professional voyeur.

There are so many stories yet to tell and I’m doing my best to get them all out before I expire! While there are things I’d like to share, I’m not at a level of comfort to just blurt all of it out yet. Many of these things happened in my home town. They happened while going to school, being a kid, trying to fit into groups of society. Trying to be normal and yet, keeping secrets that could never be shared with even my closest of friends or family members. Sharing secrets is crossing the line, and crossing the line means you don’t go home again. I see things as black and white, life or death. There is no other way to view it in my eyes. This is damage, this is trauma and I’m working on getting that squared away.

I share my blogs with family and friends pretty regularly. One person in particular gets what I’m saying. My cousin suffers from PTSD as well. He too is a work in progress and struggles at times. He has moments of clarity and then can be triggered and has to find his way back. One of the things we talked about recently was the fact that we both struggle in much the same way, but never knew it. Our family has all kinds of history, some of which I’ve discussed in my writing. We were kept apart for much of our lives growing up. As adults, it just seemed odd to even attempt to make a relationship with people you didn’t even know or were told incorrect things about. We’ve been working on our relationship now and going over our new found similarities. Another small tidbit with this, he comes from the law enforcement field. That’s where a good part of his trauma stems from. Oddly enough, mine comes from the underworld. Cop and Criminal united in a cause. We both speak openly now about PTSD and the stigma that follows mental health. It’s something that means much to both of us. I feel at ease being around him. While we both have our insecurities, we have the understanding of what it’s like to be broken, and broken badly.

So, could we all use a counselor in our lives? Absolutely! While I’ve been going back over my stories and clearing out my brain. I’ve found that I share so much more with so many. While there’s a sadness to that, it’s also a very good thing. I want to reach people that sit in the darkness and wonder where they’re going to turn to. The ones that have been questioning whether to make a phone call to a counselor or speak to a family member about how they’re feeling. There’s a level of brokenness in all of us. There’s no room for judgment in that. If someone speaks with me now, I don’t try to tell them that my trauma is worse than theirs. It’s not my place to evaluate someone else’s feelings. If you’re hurting, that’s what matters. My cousin and I can both tell you that there were so many times that we felt alone, alienated from the world. No one should have to go through that. Self isolation is the absolute worst thing you can ever do…period! You can have your moments of silent reflection, or mediation. Isolating yourself and everything you have all into one compartment is a very bad way to walk this earth.

I’m going to keep working on myself, and I’ll keep trying to write as much of my story as I can get out. There are spots that I’ll probably leave redacted for my own health and safety. I want all of you to think of your story. If you ever want to share with me, I’ll listen. No judgment ever. If you ever feel that you want your story told and would like me to add it onto this blog, I’d be honored to do so. I can leave everything very anonymous and just tell the story as the voyeur that I am. You never know, you just might catch someone’s attention and make a difference in their life.

I was telling a co-worker the other night that I try to write in such a way that I don’t harm anyone. I’ve harmed enough in my life. I’m trying to be a better version of myself moving forward. The idea now is to tell the stories, make myself feel better, and hopefully reach others so that they too can find light in all the darkness. We’re all Beautifully Broken creatures after all.

As always, thank you for reading and following my work.

~Robert~

Employee vs Employer: Finding Balance and Valuing Work

September 12, 2024September 29, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Employer vs Employee. We’ll do a deep dive and examine things.

Work. Most of us go to work each day with either a sense of purpose or as a means to an end. What drives you inside? Is it your own desire, or is it because your employer places expectation on you? Do you feel valued at work? All questions that I’m sure we’ve pondered at some point. Let’s look into it through the eyes of Zombie.

I’ll reflect back to my upbringing and tell you that I had a Father who was very motivated. He believed in working as hard as possible each and every day. He would regularly tell me how I needed to act at work, that I should make myself as valuable to the employer as possible, and do as you’re told. My Father hopped around when it came to jobs. I think he was always restless as well, but wasn’t sure how to deal with that. Even though he’d always told me to be very dedicated to my employer, he didn’t seem to live by that mantra. He was easily upset by bosses and didn’t like having someone telling him what to do. He had great skills in the automotive industries, so finding other work seemed to happen fairly easily. He never made a lot, but he had work.

After moving about to different dealerships, he decided that it was time to break out on his own, and opened his own body shop. He had the gift of gab and knew many in the industry. This helped to get his start-up moving and then it started to take off. I’d love to tell you that everything went great from there, but while he was a great body man and mechanic, he was terrible at business. Lacked in the accounting area and it would become his downfall. Once he ended his business, things were tough. We struggled quite a bit as a family. He made do with small jobs that he would do in the garage at home. He had a hard time finding work at an established place because of back taxes that he still owed from the failed business. A couple of places took a chance on him, but it fell short quickly when the state and federal government came around wanting to take his pay and harass the business. These were really rough years in my childhood and I still suffer from events through those years.

The big turn around came when he was hired at Jeep Corporation as a supervisor. They were amazed at his knowledge and he quickly became a favorite around the plant. This was the steadiest employment that I remember him having in his life. He enjoyed what he was doing and felt he’d found his purpose. He still struggled with bosses telling him what to do, but decided to keep his head down and toe the line for the sake of his family.

As I’ve stated in numerous other blogs, I’ve been a study of humans for most of my life. I watched quietly and learned from others. I paid attention to everything my Father was saying about working hard and being valuable. He just wasn’t aware that I’d started doing this as part of the underworld. Hard work and paying attention to details does make you valuable. I’ll stay away from that part for now.

When I started working in the “regular” world. I kept my mouth shut and paid attention, worked my hardest to become as valuable as possible. I started to find that even though I was doing all the right things, it didn’t necessarily translate into good things from my employers. While they enjoyed seeing me arrive every day and working my hardest, the reward that came with it was minuscule. Not all bosses enjoyed someone who was good at their job. Numerous bosses through the years would take notice and look for ways to hold me back, or sabotage me in some fashion out of jealousy or concern that I might be coming for their job. Things just weren’t adding up, why wasn’t I able to break through? I was doing everything that I’d been taught. It just didn’t make sense.

In one of my jobs, I’d worked on a night shift, and had quickly moved through the ranks. I’d moved into a management position and was thinking that I’d finally be making headway to a better life. I dedicated myself and many hours to making the department and the company better. Never stepped away from long hours, or call backs after going home for the night. I just knew that if I kept it up, my value would skyrocket and I’d be noticed. In reality, I was taken advantage of. I’d eventually be moved to another department and given the opportunity to either take a pay cut and stay, or end my career. The company was making “moves” and was in a transition, so they needed everyone to be a “team” player and take whatever they offered. The next department was just hell on earth. The hours were 7 p.m. until 4 a.m. and we never got out on time. I already had issues with sleeping, so the change didn’t do my body, or life any favors. The work was tedious, and the people in the department were pretty terrible. I did my best to suck it up but knew that I wasn’t going anywhere and needed to make a change. I talked with my boss to see if I could get back to the pay level that I’d been at prior and he didn’t even slow down when blurting out “NO!” He then added to it, “you should be grateful that you even have a job, this is the best you’ll ever do in your life.” There you have it, there’s the payoff for years of hard work and service. This is the best I’ll ever do? Once those words rolled out of his mouth, I became determined to find other work, and quickly. It was time for change.

I found work at my current employer quickly. I just needed to wait for paperwork and drug testing to be cleared. Once that happened and the offer was made, I was ready to share the news with my boss. This may be cringe worthy to some people but it was one of the defining moments in my work life. I walked into work that night, did my normal job, which was starting to get picked at because I’d asked for the raise. At the end of my shift I went to the H.R. department and asked if I could be paid out for all of the leave that I’d acquired, if I left tonight? They said absolutely and asked if I’d be leaving then. I told them to get the paperwork ready and I’d be right back. I went into my boss’s office and gave him the news that I was leaving. He kind of snickered and leaned back in his chair. At that point, I threw my badge on his desk and told him to fuck himself! I then added that no one would ever tell me what my value is, or that this is the best I’d ever do. I then told him I was going up to H.R. because they had paperwork waiting for me to sign and he should maybe reconsider the next time he decides to take a shit on someone. That was the best, most confident walk I’ve ever had in my life. I strutted like a peacock on full display for the world to see. I learned then that my value is decided by me, not my employer, not by a boss, but me. I put the world on notice that night and changed within.

I’ve spent many years at my current job. I still believe in working hard and doing my best, but it’s more of a self serving thing. I do it because it’s what I want to do, not because I’m being manipulated by others. I know my value and if someone wants me to do the extra, they need to step up and treat me accordingly. It’s not being cocky or arrogant. It’s knowing that as an employee, you can make or break the place that you work at. You trade your life for a paycheck. That’s reality. We’re paid to give up time, to further the cause of a company. Yes, it provides for our life outside of work, but that’s the trade and it should be done fairly. Understand that I appreciate my job and what’s it’s done for my family, but I’m also aware that I’ve given blood, sweat and tears to further their cause. Fairness, that’s what it comes down to.

As a supervisor/manager now, I hold all of these things sacred and I treat my employees accordingly. I know that they all have value and lives, so I let them know that they’re appreciated. Even when they’re in a position that requires them to stay over, and they don’t want to, but have to. I thank them. It’s a simple gesture, but it means something. It means that I take notice of them, and that I appreciate them. That’s not something that I’ve experienced much in my life. I want my workers to know that I’d never ask them to do something that I wouldn’t be willing to do myself. I’m also willing to stand by their side and do the hard work with them, not above. This is the way it should be done in all companies. This is how I want to feel when I arrive to work, that I matter, that I’m important and what I do there is valued. Big bonuses would be great, but I’d take a “thank you” any day of the week…with sincerity.

It comes down to balance and respect. We know that we all need to work in order to provide, but that doesn’t need to be held over our heads. That’s not how you motivate humans…at least not this human. I’m motivated by people who are willing to get into the trenches with me and do the hard work. I’m motivated by a work force that has empathy for one another, understanding that we are all in this game of life together. Balance. Respect. Think it through. What motivates you at work? What is it that you need to maintain your desire to keep showing up? Is it just for the paycheck, or is there satisfaction gained in what you do?

I’m proud of who I’ve become. I’ve found the balance that I speak of. I’ve kept the many things that my Father has taught me and added a bit of my own flavor to it. While I’m coming closer to the end of my career, I still get up and put in a full days work. I owe my employer that. We’ve agreed to exchange money for time, and for the moment, I’m alright with it.

Thanks for taking the time to read through, and I hope that this gives you something to think on.

~Zombie~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

lifestyle

Embracing Life: Finding Joy Amidst Mortality

My Path to Healing

Life’s walk-Dread and Hope

Beautifully Broken

Employee vs Employer: Finding Balance and Valuing Work