light

The Darkness. This is something that I speak of in so many of my blog entries. I’ll go through and break down all the many views of darkness in this one. I have a relationship with darkness that spans the better part of my life. There is something magical in it for me, along with the ugly and cold part. There’s the sadness that some feel from this time of year. Seasonal affective Disorder (SAD) depression associated with late autumn and winter and thought to be caused by a lack of light. I think this will get interesting, so let’s get into it.

My journey in life has been marked with times of “darkness.” I’ve covered much of this in other blogs, and I don’t want to sound like I’m just droning along, so I’ll keep this part shorter. I found myself in coordination with underworld figures that trained me to move about quietly, view everything, and the darkness was truly my friend. I feel a level of comfort in the darkness. Perhaps because I was taught to embrace it? I’m not sure, but I still feel something special towards it. Oddly enough in this current part of my life I enjoy the darkness for different reasons than before. When I walk at the pre-dawn hours, there’s a stillness and calm that touches my soul. I love walking in the dark with nothing more than stars and perhaps some moonlight. Hardly anyone is around and I take ownership of this time. It belongs to me!

My mother suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder and dreaded the time change. I know numerous people that also suffer from this. When she had first told me about this disorder, we had a discussion about it because it was something I couldn’t understand. How could someone not love the darkness? It was so beautiful to me. It brought about serious bouts of depression for her and she felt even worse. She’d be disengaged more during this time and welcomed any form of light to help make her feel better. She even liked having a Christmas tree set up all year round so that she’d have the happiness from the lights to improve how she felt. For those out there that have this, I feel for you. I’d ask that you find something that you can hold onto during the months of less light that can keep you steady. My sister is always telling me to think of 3 good things each day. It’s for a different reason in my case, but I think this can be helpful for those that suffer. Try to find the light in the dark. Look for the positives rather than being stuck in the dark. Move about as much as you can, for as I’ve always blogged about, movement is one of the best medicines for the human body. This is from the Mayo clinic for people that suffer from SADS -Treatment for SAD may include light therapy (phototherapy), psychotherapy and medications. If you need help with this, look into a treatment that fits your life. I’m certainly no doctor, just a concerned blogger that wishes better lives for all.

There is also the darkness that comes with loss. I find that I struggle in the month of November, and especially around the Thanksgiving holiday because this was the time of year that my mother passed away. I continue to try to find new ways to get through the month and celebrate in a more positive way, but I’m just not there yet. I keep myself busy and work during the holiday. If I’m less idle, I seem to do better. I also enjoy being around those that I work with at times when things are the toughest. Crazy, right? There’s something about being in your “pack.” The pack protects you and understands you probably better than most. You spend a good portion of you life at work, so why not make the relationships pleasant. I’ll think of my mother in the most positive way possible this month. I’ve gradually started to erase the sadness of her suffering before leaving this earth. Miss you Mom.

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

My current homework of sorts is to try to allow darkness that has served me be present at times. See it and understand that it has served me well during my times of pain. While I speak so much about trying to set myself free from it, I also need to understand that it is a part of me. There is no light without darkness. Learning the things that I’ve learned may have been terrible at times, but they also kept me alive. Being able to recognize darkness and be, dare I say, thankful is what I’m working towards right now. Without the darkness, I wouldn’t be the man that I am right now. Flawed yes, but we all are. Yet I’m strong and confident as well, and that comes from this darkness. I fear nothing on this earth and that too is from the darkness. My biggest fear has always been that the darkness would take everything over and I’d become the dark wolf…forever. I’m grateful that somewhere inside of me that glimmer of light, that touch of hope still resides. As long as I can hold that, I think that I can find my way.

The song The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel, then later redone by Disturbed has some very powerful lyrics. I’m certain that most of you have enjoyed this song at some point in time and if not, please pull it up and listen. I find much in my music and it also inspires me to write more. Just the beginning lyrics bring tears to my eyes. “Hello darkness, my old friend-I’ve come to talk with you again.” That’s just amazing stuff right there. Darkness will be my old friend, now and forever. I’ll speak to it whenever I’m out in it doing my walks. I’ll embrace the feelings of calm that it brings me, and also the strength that it’s given me.

I’ll share a scripture here: Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” (John 8:12). Even though the Bible speaks of darkness in numerous passages as something less. I believe that there’s something to the darkness and as I’ve stated, you can’t have one without the other. I also believe that I can embrace both, find the balance that I need to carry on in my life.

In my closing I’ve added the lyrics from the Sound of Silence for you all to enjoy and perhaps dissect. Maybe it’ll touch you in a different way, and that’s alright as well. Music is a healing tool, so I’d highly recommend giving both versions a listen. As always, if you’re suffering, reach out and seek assistance to get through whatever it is that harms you. I’ll keep writing because it’s become the best form of therapy for me at this point and time. I’m hopeful that my words speak to at least some of you and make a difference. Being beautifully broken has no shame, at least not in my eyes.

Thank you so much for stopping by and reading my thoughts.

~Robert~

The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

My sister and I went on walkabout today. I couldn’t resist, beautiful blue skies, mild temps, it was a must. We headed out on one of my favorite routes that goes through the side of town we grew up in. It’s rough and depressed, but it’s still a part of me. People ask me all the time, “why do you still walk through there?” The answer is, I really don’t know. It’s still a part of me, I guess. I don’t fear for my safety or feel out of place. I’ve walked or driven those streets a million times and know them all very well. I can get around without ever having to look at a street sign. This has been a discussion with my counselor as well. There are so many bad memories there, why do I still go? Numerous discussions have been had about the subject, and I’m still searching for an answer that I can give, at least one that makes sense.

Once we reached an area that we spent a portion of our childhood in, I said “let’s go down this street and take a look at our old house.” It’s the home that we probably spent the most years in, but it kind of represents all the different houses we lived in. If anything, I had feelings of sadness seeing the house. It hasn’t changed a lot from the time we lived in it. Has a certain feeling of darkness. Not that all memories there were bad, but different. We moved around enough that nothing ever really felt like home. It seemed as though once we started to make “normal”, it was time to move on to the next spot. Something I didn’t understand as a child. Some homes seemed alright, so why were we moving again? I wouldn’t understand the answer to that question until I became an adult. Money and finances were not my parents’ strong suit. During these times they looked for homes that were considered buying “on land contract.” The intent was to stay, it just didn’t work out.

Walking past this particular house got us talking more about people that we knew in the neighborhood. I delivered papers on this street and knew pretty much everyone back then. Homes that my friends grew up in and areas we ran around in. It was always a little on the edge, but the look of it now really makes you sad. Numerous houses now gone, torn down, others in serious disrepair and looking almost unlivable. This expanded our conversation to include “what the hell happened to society?” How did we ever get to this? My brain would then go to, how are the kids on this street growing up now? I know the damage that came with my upbringing. What level of hurt would they have and pass on to others? Very deep and unsettling thoughts.

We continued on and worked our way through the area. Then headed towards the river. As you’d go, you could see a house here, and a house there that looked as though they were still trying to hold on. Like islands in a land of insanity. Small walled up fortresses standing their ground against the darkness. Do you think these people fear the night? Do they wonder if/when the tide will finally flood over them and take their island down into blackness? I know, they’re dark thoughts, but it’s real. Every block we go through has this same look. What can be done to stop the spread of this virus? How can we get it back to “normal” again? Questions that we can all ponder. I’ve always hoped that one day this side of town would find it’s way through and become full of life again.

More discussions. My Sis and I thought, if only people would communicate again. Maybe that’s part of the problem. Step away from social media and engage in realism. Maybe step outside of your small island and attempt to make things better with a neighbor. Pick things up, help others learn to be self-sufficient. Teach! Teach people to take pride in anything and everything they have. Conversations are the way. We need to be beacons of hope, rather than spreading sorrow. I’ve seen enough sorrow to last a lifetime, and then some. “We need to bring our own light to the darkness.” I like that. There’s an old saying “it takes a village.” I say this a lot at work. I treat my office in just this way. We work together with a goal of succeeding. If this is carried into these neighborhoods, and taught to those that want to live better, that want to raise their children in an environment that’ll breed happiness, and comfort, it should be done. What’s the alternative? I think we’re seeing it on full display all across this country. Neighborhoods and communities are dying.

Photo by Anastasia Ankudinova on Pexels.com

If you’re a fan of Harry Potter or The Hobbit series. You’ll probably be able to envision the darkness that I see at times. The blackness spreading and consuming everything in its path. While I see these things, I also know that I have it within myself to make better. Ask yourself what you can do that can make a positive change in the world. Then ask, how can I spread this positive mindset to others? We can turn the tide. We can push back the wave of blackness and make things right. I choose light over darkness. I choose right over wrong, good over evil. I choose to be Harry Potter or Bilbo Baggins! We need to be the heroes of our story and help others to do the same.

“We need to bring our own light to the darkness.” Bring your light. Shine as long as you can and with everything you have. I refuse to give up. Perhaps that’s part of the answer as to why I still walk through my old neighborhoods. I’m trying to bring the light into the darkness.

As always, thanks for reading. I’ll get back with you all soon. I have much more to say on this topic and so many others.

I’ll see you on the road

~Zombie~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

Hello Darkness my old friend…

We must bring our own light to the darkness