Seeking peace

July 13, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’m going to jump into a topic that could get long winded. I’d like to explore relationships on several different levels. Get into the how and why we align ourselves with certain types of people. Is it that we seek a certain type of person to be part of our life, or do these people seek us. There have certainly been many times throughout my life when I’ve encountered less than desirable people. In some cases even had more intimate relationships with them. Later in life I look back and wonder what it was that caused this. Why would I put myself in such a bad position? Let’s take a deeper look at all of this and see how it unwinds.

I’ll start where I usually do and tell you that I was groomed at a young age by a man who knew exactly how to manipulate other humans. He was a master at the craft and did his best to then train me to be the same. This was my first real encounter with someone who I should’ve never let into my life. I was too young to understand what he was doing. I was still trying to learn what the world was all about when he arrived. There was a level of trust because he was friends with my father. We seek approval from our parents, and we use them as a guide when we’re children. If they have this person in their world, well then it must be o.k. for me to have them in mine, right? Predators find their way into all kinds of circles: Friends, family, and social structures such as churches, clubs etc. They know what they’re doing and they know what to look for. This had me asking as an adult, what was I doing that made me such a target? Did I send out some kind of vibe or have some kind of marking on me that said I would be an easy target? I questioned myself for so many years. Sat in silence wondering what I had “done.” Self isolation and self evaluation turned into self hatred. I did this to myself. I brought this upon myself was what I began to think. Nothing could be further from the truth!

As I moved through my life, I continued to be in situations with people that I knew deep inside of me were not going to be good for me. It’s my belief that I did this because of my lack of self-esteem and the damage that had already occurred. When you think so little of yourself, that opens the door for the ones that we should steer clear of to come in. It again brings me to the question, did I invite them? When I was at my most reckless, I didn’t believe that I’d live long. This way of thinking had me doing things that one would normally never do. I chose people who were damaged and broken. They were seeking refuge in my world from whatever demons followed them. Their issues then became mine. This is where things got ugly.

As I stated before. I’m a keen study of humans and tend to notice things that many would not. I could see these people who struggled, or were predators, coming yet did nothing to stop it. Perhaps in some cases I felt that I could “fix” them. Make the world they lived in better somehow. Like I had the power to move mountains. The “white knight syndrome” as I refer to it. I can ride in, fix all the broken and everything will be good again. It just doesn’t work that way with humans. We’re too complex for that. Whether it was the “friends” that I chose to be around, or the women that I chose to be partners with. The results kept coming up the same way. I encountered alcoholics (numerous), stalkers, manipulators and violent humans. When I tell you that I’m surprised that I’ve survived so much of my life, it’s a very true story. I’m grateful that I’m still here and able, as well as willing to talk about all of this.

Being with a person who says that they love you and then does horrible things to you should make you stop and ponder your life situation immediately. While attempting to break apart from a toxic relationship in my life, I found myself on the receiving end of someone telling me that if I left them they would kill themselves. Think about that statement for a second. The weight placed upon you from the guilt that comes with such words. Guilt is a weapon that is used to control. “If you don’t do as I say this will happen and it will be your fault.” That’s what I was hearing. I will tell you now that my response to this was to end the relationship and if this person “chose” to harm themselves, it was not my burden to carry. Yet I could see how someone could fall into that trap. It wasn’t without some serious thought that I came to the decision that I did. I’ll tell you now that this person never harmed themself and moved on in their life. It was nothing more than someone trying to be controlling and take my own power away from me.

The stalker: I dated a woman for only a couple of months and decided that it wasn’t something I wanted to pursue any longer. The response was unsettling. It began with a constant barrage of notes and letters left on my vehicle. A tape recording that had both songs and her speaking was left on the gate of my parents’ home for me. From there it went to being followed while out on runs or when going to the store. She was a police officer in my city so I found myself getting pulled over several times…”just to talk.” When it ramped up into subtle threats, I had to hire an attorney who then sent a letter to the police department asking that she cease and desist. A protective order was also put into place. This finally put an end to what had become a nightmare. Looking over your shoulder all the time is something that I’d done earlier in my life and found myself doing yet again.

The alcoholic that chose the bottle every single time over our relationship: It didn’t matter how reckless it was, or who was hurt along the way. The only thing that mattered at the time was the drink. There were several alcoholics in my world. Some I dated and finally moved on from, two of them I actually married. The ones that I married were very good at hiding their desire for booze. It came out later on once they found their level of comfort with me. I guess they felt that I was on the hook now because of the vows I made, so it was cool to unleash hell. The first marriage was the easy one to walk away from. We had no children and had not been married for that long. I felt tortured that I’d made this “mistake.” The second marriage was much uglier. There were children involved and I was now dealing with the lives of kids who didn’t have a say in all of this. I thought at the time that it would be best to stay in the marriage for the sake of “saving” the kids. Please don’t ever use this way of thinking. The kids suffered damage and would regardless of my relationship with their mother. I couldn’t shield them from the wrath of an angry drunk. I wasn’t around 24/7 to control all situations. I found the strength to push away from her and build something with the kids. More damage came from this relationship and I’d lost faith in myself. How did I let this happen?

A wise and wonderful woman came into my life through Al-Anon and became my sponsor. I live by so much of what she taught me to this very day. We sat together one day and had a discussion about people who have come and gone in our lives and how all the problems came to be. In my case with relationships she made it simple. “You need to readjust your antenna.” While I chuckled at the statement she made it clear that I needed to stop looking for women I felt I could save or change. This also carried over into any other relationships in my life. Think things through and choose people who don’t “need” you. They just simply want to be with you because they choose to. They can stand on their own two feet even if you’re not there. When I made that change for myself, I found that I suddenly attracted better people. My current wife is the one that I found by making that adjustment. She’s capable of being on her own, she needs nothing from me, but chooses to be with me, and I with her. Coming up on 20 years, so I think it’s safe to say that it was a smart move.

I think that the answer to the question of do we seek these people or do they seek us is a combination of both. When you’re broken you can certainly allow yourself to make bad decisions. It doesn’t make you a horrible person, it just means that you’re going to struggle unnecessarily. Fixing whatever it is inside you that needs fixing is the first step. I’ve always agreed with the saying that “you can’t love someone else unless you love yourself first.” Along with this, there are people out there who have similar abilities that I do. They can see things that most don’t pay attention to. They use this for their own personal gains. They use the ability to seek those whom they feel they can manipulate and control. My training early on was on purpose. The man who was training me wanted to turn me into someone who could both see trouble coming and also recognize an easy target. So I know what I’m talking about here. This is part of the pain that I carry now because I see so many around me who struggle, or are tortured in relationships that are broken. I hear their cries of pain without ever getting into all of their details. They’ve been selected by someone who is there to further their own agenda. That’s not love, it’s predatory.

Insanity is often described as “repeating the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result.” I learned that I was repeating the same things and always wanting for something better. It wasn’t until I made changes to myself that I found better results. Understand that just because you’ve made mistakes in your life doesn’t mean that you have no value. Just because you’ve divorced several times doesn’t make you less. I can’t say it enough that we’re all just humans trying to find our way. If you’ve made a poor decision and it’s causing you pain, make the necessary changes to stop that hurt, don’t allow it to fester. There’s no judgment involved in wanting better for yourself. It’s not selfish to want to find peace. If it’s selfish, then sign me up for being selfish, because I want peace more than anything.

I wear a band on my Garmin watch that says “Stalked by Demons, Guarded by Angels.” I’ve been stalked by demons for far too long and welcome the guardians. I want others to do the same. I’m still here today because I’ve always believed somewhere deep inside of me that I was good, that I had value. Even when so many looked the other way. Even when I was preyed upon. I held onto my inner voice. That voice is louder than ever now and I’m finally seeing the light. Ask yourself if you’re willing to do the same. No, none of this has been easy, but no one said that life was. Hold onto that voice and be the change that will bring you peace.

Thank you for following along on my journey

~Robert~

Pushing the negative aside

July 7, 2025July 7, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

This is the part of me that I never wanted to share with others. These are the thoughts that haunt me at every turn in my life. The self-doubt, the sadness, the desire to be seen. All of the things that I was trained to put aside and keep moving no matter what. They all still reside inside of me to this very day. While I’m much better than I was earlier in my life, the struggle remains. The hardest part is that you never know when it will emerge. It can unexpectedly turn you upside down. A stalking burglar waiting for the right time to attack.

I recently decided to take my wife on a quick overnight trip to Indianapolis to see a WNBA game. It was something that I thought she’d enjoy and out of our “usual” order of places to go. While she’d been to the city on prior visits with her brother to see Drum corps competition. This would be a first for the two of us. I threw the idea to go and see a game out to her and she grabbed hold. I purchased some nose bleed seats for a game. I also scored a hotel with parking. We were all set for an adventure. The drive was a little on the boring side. On the route between Ohio and Indiana, all you find are giant farm fields. There are also giant churches. Neither of which screams for my attention. We arrived in town and headed for a local brewery that also doubled as a dog park. While I have zero interest in beer, I love seeing and touching dogs. It was a cute place. It was set in a neighborhood. It reminded me of the “Old West End” back in Toledo. Old homes that had been redone, apartments that were situated because it was also home to Indiana University. My wife selected some beers to sample. She would eventually have them fill a growler for her with the winning flavor. There were dogs situated about the place and a big screen showing others outside playing in all forms of water. It was an overall cute experience.

From there we made our way to our hotel, got parked and situated. The next order of business was to find lunch. We searched all the places in walking distance and settled on a place that Karla had been to prior. It was a popular place. Once we arrived, there were people waiting both inside and outside to get a spot. It was at this point that I could feel my anxiety start to build. Once getting inside the door, the closed off feelings started to come into play. A guy waited with his family. He was getting way too close in my space. I found myself beginning to evaluate my surroundings. God, I hate when my brain starts doing this but it’s like a knee jerk reaction. I look around and start to check exits, look at people that could be threats, and shut down internally. The guy behind me had already bumped into me twice causing me to give looks of disapproval. My wife said to hang on. She assured me it would only be about 10 minutes. I wasn’t sure if I’d make it. The space was too cramped. It was warm because of the heat from the door opening and closing so much. The people were not good about personal space. This is what goes on in my head. These are the types of things that my spouse has to process right along with me. She’s become a unwilling participant in my illness.

Trying to explain these feelings to my wife, or anyone for that matter can be taxing. I already have feelings of guilt because I can’t go into a stupid restaurant without getting mentally pressed. Is it fair for someone else to go through these things with you? Does she really understand? How can she be with me? These feelings weigh heavily on you. They sit at the table with you as you try to explain that you’ll be alright. The attempt to explain that the space was bad and the people were touching you almost sounds absurd. I wrestle with this all of the time. This afternoon on our get away would be no different. Once we were in our own space and I could breathe again, I began to find my center. I slowly started to calm down and make light conversation with our server. The game that would follow was great. I did my own assessments as we walked through the complex. I managed to stay focused on this new experience. I was able to stay present during the game and not worry about everything around me.

Once we released out after the game and hit the street. I felt the calm that I’d been searching for. My desire to be on the street felt more at home. I enjoyed walking about and taking in the sights. Yet, I was still evaluating those that could be threats. When I talk about my walks across the city, I feel at ease. I also feel the same way during hikes through trails in parks. The following morning after the game we woke early and headed out for a walkabout in the city. Taking in all that Indy had to offer. Enormous sports complexes, old homes, warehouses that had been converted into either apartments or commercial businesses. The local zoo and a river walk. We found ourselves caught up in a local 5K while walking and just took notice at all the many teens that were participating in the event. It made me smile to see so many youth taking part in the sport that brought me so much peace. I couldn’t help but think maybe there were some in the group that felt like I do about running. Perhaps it was their best friend too. Again, it made me smile. It’s times like this that I feel free and want to just be. I enjoy being with my wife, talking about whatever comes to mind. I truly feel happy when we do our walks. How funny that I derive so much pleasure from something that cost nothing. Don’t get me wrong. I loved going to the game. However, I found more happiness in the walk with Karla on the following morning.

This weekend has shown me that I’m still capable of getting through things that in the past I never would’ve been able to do. It’s also given me a reminder that I still have more work to do. You are enjoying a part of your life. You’re with the person you truly want to be with. You don’t want to explain why you feel bad. Why you feel unloved, or broken. My sister and I just talked about the ability to love. “I told her that we’re unable to love others unless we can love ourselves first.” She agrees. I do love myself, at least enough now that I can share my feelings with someone else. It didn’t come right away, but it’s come now to stay. I’ve promised my wife that if she can see through all of my faults/flaws, there is someone on the other side that is worth spending her time with. She’s still here after almost 20 years together, so I’m hopeful she does see the value in me that for me at times is the biggest struggle of them all.

Thanks so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

The cost of silence/Finding your voice

July 2, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Blurring the lines and keeping people apart is a tactic used by mob figures for decades. Keeping people on the cusp of thinking they’ll eventually get a share of the riches is part of the game. I know this and have firsthand knowledge of such practices. I was made to believe that a better life was obtainable, as long as I did as I was told. As time progressed and I began to question why I wasn’t seeing all the riches and better life that was promised, the darker side came into play. At that point, I was too far in and everything changed. Threats, bullying, and manipulation were served daily to keep me in line. When you watch current events unfold, I wan you to think seriously about what I’m saying here and understand that there’s not a good ending going forward.

I’ve explained many times that I’m a study of humans, a voyeur if you will. This too started out at a very young age and was part of my grooming process. While the idea was to sharpen my skills and make me aware of everything around me, the boss never thought that my skills would then become so sharp that I’d pay the same attention to what he was doing and how he was doing it. Knowledge is key in this world. Having proper schooling and training is key to being a successful person. People who want to control know this and do everything they can to make sure that you don’t get the proper tools to succeed. If you’re smarter than they are, you’ll understand the game and could throw everything into chaos. I’ll share a quote from an educated and very talented rock artist.

“Just in General, any government throughout history hasn’t really wanted its people to be educated, because then they couldn’t control them as easily.” (Maynard James Keenan from the band Tool)

That right there is a very true and powerful statement. When we are kept from becoming better educated, and stronger, our demise will soon follow. I felt this when I was working in the underworld. I was doing everything that was asked of me. I worked hard to make things better in my life, only to find that I’d end up terrified to speak, unable to walk around freely and more than anything, lost my ability to sleep. There was no winning in this world. I was just put in place to enrich a very small few, mostly the boss’s family members. Those of us who took risks, put our bodies on the line, lost our ties with family and friends were left soulless and angry. All of the promises that were made never came to fruition. The only things that I’ve gained were some street skills and an acute ability to understand other humans. The trade off was far from balanced and I’ve suffered for most of my life because of it.

Watching the world today makes me feel as though my old boss is back in charge of my life. Promises of greatness and riches are spewed out on a regular basis, and if you don’t believe those promises, you’re the one not to be trusted. You are then looked upon as “the enemy.” How dare you not believe what the boss is saying. How dare you question what you know are untruths. I’ve seen this play out before, in my past life. The boss, his family and friends are the ones who will enjoy the spoils that are provided by the foot soldiers. You may be thrown an occasional scrap, but you’ll never sit at the table with them. You’re not part of that world.

We’ve become a society of “all about me.” There is no more empathy, or even desire to understand the struggles of other humans. “Let them fend for themselves, pick up their bootstraps and make better for themselves, that’s not my job.” We can walk silently past the homeless, we can reach to protect our handbags when seeing someone who might not look like us, and we can turn our backs on someone who has lost everything. This is the sad reality of life in America. “If it doesn’t affect me directly, then it doesn’t matter at all.” That’s how I see people when I look around nowadays. Communities and neighborhoods have been sacrificed. States are fighting against other states to gain the almighty dollar from the corporate overlords. When I see this, again it makes me think of my old boss. All these same things went on and the only winner was him.

I’ve heard all of the banter over these past years, and I’ve been called many different names for questioning the validity of certain statements. While my soul is still restless from my past, I continue to try to find a way to mend. I need to find a way to reach others so that they too don’t become broken pieces in this winless game. See things for what they are, become a study of humans and break out. Look to build bridges with others around you and never be silenced by anyone. Never, and I mean never let someone take away your voice! I’ve said this in past blogs. We the people have the right to be heard and seen. There is no path forward unless we make the changes that are necessary. If it’s left to the bosses, you’ll never be free and it won’t end well.

If you take anything from my blogs, take this. I’ve seen how bad humans can be, and I’ve seen how wonderful they can be as well. Now is the time to look into the mirror and ask yourself what you see. It’s time to ask yourself what kind of world you want to live in, raise your kids in, or perhaps see your grandchildren grow up in. Will you accept the promises of the “boss,” or will you look to your neighbor and unite for a better tomorrow? The choice is still ours. Your voice is still your own, for the moment. Don’t let someone make you live in silence and secrets. I’ve spent my lifetime digging my way out of that, so I know the path that I’m choosing. Take my hand as we move forward. Let me end this with a verse from the Bible.

“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and say to you, Do not fear: I will help you.”

Isaiah 41:13

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Finding Peace Through Ghosts From The Past

June 9, 2025June 9, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Finding the road to healing and revisiting ghosts from your past. While I’m in a much better place today, I still have set-backs. Some are small and manageable, others require me stepping back into my counselor’s office. “Trauma isn’t just what happened. It’s also what you had to go through alone.” Feeling alone was a huge part of my past. Being unable to tell anyone what was going on or about the things that I was involved in was, at times, soul crushing. There was no way to be comforted. I learned early in my life to be small, invisible, and quiet.

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“Robert is such a quiet guy, and so shy.” These kind of descriptions followed me throughout my school life. I never wanted to be noticed. The further out of the light that I could keep myself, the better everything would feel. I was hypervigilant all of the time. I could feel things that others would never pay attention to. While it was a service to me at times, it also caused me to be anxious and to fear relationships. I was unable to trust people and it was exhausting.

Things can happen in “ordinary” life that can trigger these feelings to surface. Sometimes it’s the smallest thing. The way something is said, a look from a person or, of course, verbal confrontation. There are so many times when I’ve found myself wanting to revert back to the scared child. Looking for an escape, a place to hide and not be seen. Oddly enough, the other side of this same coin is that as an adult, I get almost hostile when I’m not heard or seen. There was a turning point toward the end of high school where I became defiant towards my “boss”. I’d started to believe more in myself and my confidence was growing. A new and better life could actually be obtained. The internal battle raged.

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I recently did a blog about my high school typing teacher. Telling you all how important she became in my turn around. The “it” factor that she possessed somehow transferred to me. I felt that everything she was telling me was true. So much so that I changed the direction that I had been heading. I’ve also stated that there’s a good possibility she was instrumental in saving me. I was finally able to meet her face to face recently. We had breakfast together at a local restaurant and then went back to her home where we discussed all parts of my life. She was inquisitive, thoughtful, gracious and had wonderful things to share. While she couldn’t place me in her mind from many moons ago, it didn’t matter. She’d welcomed me and wanted to hear my story. My main reason for reaching out to her in the first place was I wanted so much to tell her “thank you.” There are not many moments you get to sit down with someone so important to you and say what you really needed to say. I was gifted these moments in time, and I’m forever grateful for our paths crossing.

Ms. Osborn, my teacher was a ghost from my past that I needed to visit me again. I’d felt that there was unfinished business. I’ve found that I continue to look back at times to reach out to those who meant something to me. The ones who guided me even if they were never aware. The girl that I dated through most of high school would be another one of these ghosts. She was a bright light of hope during a time when all I knew was darkness. During the time we spent together, I was allowed to see the world through different eyes. We talked recently and she said that “I think you had more than one side and maybe that’s what you shared with me. Like a respite from the other.” Yes, it was a moment to breathe, to just be.

My road to recovering from my past was littered with so many who had hoped they could reach me. People who thought they’d found a way in, only to find that I’d already closed up and moved on. My random moments of anxiety, or shame were things that I was unable to express. To this very day I struggle sometimes to tell my own wife how I’m feeling, or why I’m feeling a certain way. Feelings of doubt climb into my head and I say things like “she doesn’t need to hear this” or perhaps “she’s heard enough and doesn’t need to hear this anymore.” The kid from the past then takes it all and places it in a hidden box. Stay small, don’t let her see you.

This, my friends, is why I blog. I can’t be the only one on the planet who has these kinds of feelings. In fact I know that I’m not. I had to seek out the ghosts that I knew could help me, once again, continue on the path that I need to stay on. Solid ground that will help me to move forward and be happy. In fact the parting words that my teacher shared with me were this. “Robert, live your life, live your life to the fullest and be happy.” Once again she said the right thing at the right time. A ghosts came to me and told me to be free of everything and live. It would be a disservice to her if I didn’t follow through with that. I may struggle, I may fall back a step, but I’ll never quit. Peace is right around the corner.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

The Power of Mothers: A Tribute

May 11, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

“Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.”

The Movie (The Crow)

When I think of mothers, I think of so many adjectives that describe them and the many things that they do. Sacrifice is something that comes to mind. Mothers sacrifice so much for the sake of their children. They’re able to put the life of others before their own. This is a rare trait in the world today and is one that needs to be looked upon with awareness. These selfless warriors make sure that households run as well-oiled machines. They, in many cases handle all the family finances, juggle a work schedule along with all the many appointments that come with children. Doctor visits, getting back and forth to school, sports practices and events, the lists go on and on. It doesn’t stop as the children grow older, it can even expand. Let’s look more into this phenomenon known as Mothers.

While my mother suffered from mental illness/depression, she worked hard to make sure that we had some form of foundation to work from. I’ve blogged about her many times, and I want to be clear, I loved my mother very much. I learned as an adult all the things she’d gone through in her life, which gave me pause. There was no way for me to judge the things that she was unable to do when she struggled so much herself. I needed to see through that and understand what she did manage. She managed a household with four children, all very close in age, so that meant we were all going through things at the same time. This had to be done in many cases with little to no money coming in. We were hungry on many occasions but never starved. We struggled with wearing hand-me-downs that were given to us by other families, but we had clothes to wear. We never had the best of everything, but we had something. There’s a lot to be said with all of this. We learned to be humble and grateful. We also learned the value of education. While my mother was not super pushy about getting us up and out in the morning, she always pushed us to keep up with our assignments. She’d guide us when we had questions about classes. This was all happening while she had so much going on inside of herself.

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My mother had a calmness about her. While I took after my father in many ways, including the “take no shit” kind of attitude, I was balanced out with a piece of my mother’s gentle side. When I’d be all worked up about something I knew that my mother would have the right words to settle me. “This too shall pass” was a regular from her lips. There was a time when I was an adult and had a dispute with a contractor that was working on my property. The guy decided to take things to the next level and threatened me with violence. This happened during a phone call and my approach was much like my father. After the guy finished spewing his hostilities I said with a very calm voice “where are you at right now?” My plan was simple, to go where he was and handle him the way that I knew how to. As I was walking towards the door of my parent’s home, my mother stepped in front of me and said, “think about what you’re about to do. This is a time to remain calm because once you leave here and find him, you could lose everything.” Her words found their way into my brain when it was spinning out of control. She even delivered it in such a way that I immediately stopped. I felt what she was saying and knew that she was right. I would lose everything if I left. There was no other person on this earth that could’ve stopped me on that day. When I’m ready for battle, I’m all business and become tunnel-visioned. While I was much larger than my mother, she seemed impassable at that moment. These are the things that mothers are capable of. The power of a mother extends everywhere, and with everyone. I’ve met many rough individuals in my life and I’ll tell you that all of them had respect for the woman that brought them into this world. It didn’t matter who they were, or how wicked they could be. When it came to their mothers, they all became children again.

I’ve worked with mostly women for the better part of my life and have seen so many keep things together that would make most men run for cover. They deserve everyone’s respect and love. I know that I have profound respect for all the people that surround me in my life, and I do what I can to make it known. I celebrate their successes with them and try to be there when they’re just tired of the world. I’d ask that we all take a moment in our life for Mother’s Day. Make it something special. Look to the women in this world with honor and respect. Know that they’re capable of doing everything that needs to be done and without a thought for themselves. We owe them that. We owe them more than a day for sure. To all the mothers out there that are reading this, I see you on Mother’s Day and every day. You have my admiration, my respect and my gratitude. Thank you for all that you do.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

How a Typing Teacher Inspired My Life Transformation

May 9, 2025May 10, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I know that I’ve talked about my High School typing teacher in at least a few of my blogs. I’ll also tell you that she’s in my book that I’m currently working on right now. The reason for this, she was instrumental in helping me see that it was possible to turn my life around. I felt as though she could see through me at times and wanted desperately to confess all of my sins to her. (Spoiler alert-I never did). Let me explain this further.

When I decided to sign up for typing class in High School, I never had any desire to become some kind of great typist, nor did I really care what the outcome would be from the class. It was a time filler for me to just get by. At that point in my life, I was deeply embedded in the underworld and had far greater things to be worrying about than my classes. I was dealing with people who were much harsher about failure, so I adjusted my attitude accordingly. I started in the class and dropped myself directly in the very back seat. It was close to the door which gave me the ability to slide out quickly. When I began the class, I never gave a second thought as to what kind of teacher I would be facing, or what she might think of me. This was just where I was mentally at the time.

Ms. Joan Osborn stepped into the room and you could hear her heels clicking on the old wooden floor as she walked. She walked with purpose and had a way about her. Fearless and confident, some might see her as intimidating. To me, she was just another teacher in a long line of teachers that I’d run into over the years growing up. She put her name on the chalkboard and stated that she would be addressed as Ms. Osborn, nothing else. She laid out what the class was about and what she expected. She then stated she would be teaching us all about the typewriter, the home row, and then start doing drills to see what our abilities were. Ms. Osborn had a toughness to her, an edge if you will. It was something that captured my attention. I listened to what she had to say and found myself beginning to think that I just might be interested in this class.

As time progressed, Ms. Osborn seemed to sense something about me and decided that I needed to be placed directly in front of her desk, in the very front row. I’d done some drills and showed promise, along with speed on the keyboard. She had kind of a sly smirk when she moved me and stated that she wanted to make sure I was paying attention and getting the directions that she was giving. I’m certain that I came off as uncaring or a bit of a slacker when I first arrived in her class, but that quickly changed. I soon found myself being one of the fastest typists. More importantly, I found that I was enjoying what I was doing. Who would ever think that some punk drug runner would be excited to be typing.

I cruised through her class and did so with good grades. She had kept her eye on my progress and had me stay around after class at the end of the year. She told me about a program that she felt I’d benefit from. A business block of classes that would further my abilities. I hadn’t taken the required business block classes prior to this, but she stated that my typing abilities were good enough that she’d be willing to vouch for me and assist me to get into these block classes. I found myself agreeing to go through the process and get into these classes. She was true to her word and did vouch for me. I was able to get into this block class which furthered my desire for a new way of life.

I think that it’s safe to say that Ms. Osborn came into my life at a key moment. Was this another divine intervention? She became a key reason that I chose a different path going forward. I would go so far as to say that she may have saved my life. I was headed down a road that most certainly would’ve ended in destruction. I didn’t care if I lived or died. To have someone who noticed me, saw me for something more than what I saw in myself was an amazing moment. She spoke to me in a way that I started to believe that I could have a life outside of what I was doing. I began to believe that I could have a future and live past 30 years of age. I now had visions of being something more. This in turn made me more defiant towards those who would hold me back and use me. The power of a teacher, the power of a person taking time out of their own life to lift another person up. I wanted so much to tell her what my real life had been like, to confess all my terrible things, because for some reason, I felt like she’d understand and would reassure me that I’d be alright.

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I’ve thought about Ms. Osborn throughout my life. I always wanted to go back and see her to let her know what she meant to me and how she’d made such a difference in my life. All the things that she taught me and told me about life turned out as she stated. She’d told me that my typing abilities would be something that I could use throughout my life and that I was good enough that I’d never want for work. She was right! Typing has served me very well. I sit here now typing these blogs because of her. I’ve not only survived, but thrived in my workplace because of my typing abilities, just as she said I would.

I decided to do more google searches to see if she was still around. I’d looked a couple of times but never really found anything solid. I attempted again recently and found that when she married, she’d hyphenated the two names. This threw off the original search I’d done earlier on. Once I found out this detail, I searched with the hyphenated last name and got a hit! I then “typed” up a letter to Ms. Osborn and sent it off. I explained who I was and that she may not even remember me, but if she was interested, I wanted to meet and let her know just how important of a person she’d been in my life. I will tell you that as of yesterday, I received a card from her and she gave me her number so that we can make a plan to have lunch and chat. I’m more than excited about this and feel that It’s way overdue for me to tell her in person everything that I’ve shared here. She needs to know that her time with me not only changed me but saved me. My road was still tough, and I’ve struggled with the demons from all the years in the underworld, but she gave me the hope, or shall we say “set the fire” that I needed to change.

I’ll report back after I set up our meeting so that I can tell you how everything went. Even if it’s a quick lunch, I’ll find satisfaction in all of it because I was given the opportunity to thank someone who truly deserves to be thanked. This is a moment for me to sit with one of my real-life heroes. Thank you, Ms. Osborn, for caring, and for seeing something in a poor kid from the East Side. I’m forever grateful.

Thank you all so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Finding Hope in Darkness

May 2, 2025May 2, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

May begins Mental Health Awareness month. I’d ask that everyone do a self evaluation this month as well as look out for those around you that are, or might be struggling. There are so many stresses in this world today, you never know when someone will reach their breaking point. There are many that suffer in silence and are just trying to get by one day at a time. This is part of my story.

I’d always appeared to be the quiet one, the shy guy that many thought had everything together. No one knew the ghosts that haunted me for so many years of my life. The demons that were following me at every turn. There were so many times that I just wanted to give up. To give into the darkness and be free of pain, fear and feeling. While there are many reasons that people struggle with mental illness, I’ve been able to pin point exactly what events and person assisted in breaking me. There are times when I see someone on the street that might be talking to themselves, or staring off into the abyss and I wonder what was the defining moment in their life that brought them to this? Was it a singular moment in time, or was it more of a slow bleed? Was there abuse of some kind, or perhaps getting lost in a haze of drug use? These are all things that I think of because I walked in that darkness. I was searching for something, for someone to find me. Hoping that I’d be saved, perhaps from myself.

I’d reached a point that so many nightmares had chewed at my sleep, so much of my happiness was being drained, that I just felt anger. I was angry at the world and myself. I walked with a daring look on my face waiting for the moment for someone to say or do the wrong thing so that I could unleash my rage. A time bomb waiting to explode. While I felt that all of this was in some fashion normal. It’s what I knew growing up. Yet it didn’t feel right. Years of hiding these feeling and searching. If it hadn’t been for the need to find a counselor for my daughter, I’m not sure that I would’ve been able to find my way out of this. Taking her to a counselor to address issues that she was having exposed me and my damage to a professional that was able to spot it. Her kind and gentle approach was something I wasn’t used to. My initial response was to be skeptical. What did she want from me? Why did she think she could help me?

Once I’d agreed to begin my journey with her, I still kept so much hidden away. It took time for me to let down the walls that I’d spent a lifetime building up to protect myself from the world and everything in it. With each session I became more at ease around her, and as time went on I began to give full disclosure to the level of depravity that I’d fallen to in my life. I showed her my brokenness only to find her reach out and tell me that she would guide me through this, that I had value, that I was worth saving. I can’t tell you how many times I cried in front of Amy, I’m certain I’ve gone through many tissues in her company. I had to become vulnerable, to not fear showing who and what I really am.

I still have moments that I struggle. Even now when I write I question myself. Thinking things like why are you writing all of this? You don’t even write very well, you don’t speak very well, you are not to be seen. These are true feeling that I have, right now. I sit and work on my book and read back through all of the things that I’ve typed and save in the computer and wonder, who if anyone would want to read this? What makes you think you’re special? At the same time I look over the events and feel shame for the things that I’ve seen and done. I tell you this because I think it might matter to someone. The struggle that I have is daily and I’ve learned to believe that I do matter and what I have to say is important. I write most of the time strictly for myself. It’s cleansing for me to put my feelings down like this. Am I a writer? Yes! I push past all the feelings that I’ve talked about each time, knowing that if it’s not perfect, that’s o.k. What I put on here is an extension of me, it’s baring my soul for all to see, so it does matter. I matter.

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I think many that struggle with mental health issues share a common bond. We all feel as though we’re less than. We want nothing more than to be seen and heard, to be included as part of this world. I’d like to believe that we as humans can take notice of those that struggle and offer something. It doesn’t cost you anything to be kind, that’s a great start. A smile is easy and free. Asking how someone is doing and actively listening when they speak. Take a moment out of your busy day to do things like this and you could be the one that makes a difference. Donate to shelters, volunteer your time to food pantries, support these organizations with your dollars if you have them to spare. All of this can move us forward and possibly save a life.

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My story is complex and ugly at times. A single person saw my struggle and turned my life around. Had I remained on my road of Silence and Secrets, I fear I would’ve given up at some point. Please, hear my words and be the reason that someone decides to keep getting up each day. Be the change in someone’s world. While May is Mental Health Awareness Month, remember that for many out there, every month is awareness, every day and minute.

I’m here if ever needed. I’ll listen to your story, and do what I can to validate your feelings. Stay strong!

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Empathy Over Exclusivity: My Perspective

May 2, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I took some much needed vacation recently and headed West. The California coastline is a favorite for my wife and I. The seemingly endless beauty that the state has to offer is a calling to my restless soul. I found myself sleeping better, enjoying the many sights and sounds, along with dreaming of a way to stay there forever. Reality sets in when you wander the neighborhoods and see the fliers that are curbside with homes that are on the market. Millions of dollars just for the asking price and then you have to consider the inflated costs of maintaining said properties. It’s fair to say that this particular area of the West coast offers everything, but only to the chosen few that have the means to support such beauty.

Why is it that the most beautiful places on earth are only for the wealthiest? Don’t get me wrong, I find beauty in many of the areas that I frequent in my own part of the country, and I find ways to enjoy things with little to no cost to them. Keeping things “exclusive” is a way to keep others away. Those that might drive the fanciest cars, or wear the finest jewelry. People that use coupons and think through their routes based on how to conserve gas because of the rising cost. It seems that in this country there’s a price to pay for anything. I’ve always felt this way because I learned in my prior life that “Nothing in this world is free.”

While planning this trip, I decided at the last minute to upgrade our flights to first class. This was the second time in my entire life that I went the extra mile and paid more for a ticket to fly. Why you ask? Because I wanted to see how the “others” live. I wanted to experience having just two seats side by side with easy reclining to them, rather than three jammed tightly together and my knees bruised by the end of a flight because the person in front of me decided to recline. I wanted to experience the extras that are given to those who can afford to pay for them. The extra service, food, and luxury. Having my bags fly and tagged as “priority”, with no extra costs. (although it’s included in your ticket cost) Being guided to the front of the line when entering the plane and looked upon as if royalty. While on one hand it was an amazing experience, I couldn’t help but think, “I don’t belong here.” I’m just an average human that struggles like everyone else to get through life. It’s not because I don’t work hard, nor is it because I’m lazy. Some parts of this world are just roped off to the chosen few. I’ll explain further.

We visited a cute little town in the upper part of Michigan. One of the things that my wife and I like to do is walk about and see what the town looks like. I like to explore areas that have unique architecture and take notice of old world neighborhoods. In this particular town, we wandered into an area that had a gate of sorts. It wasn’t blocking you from coming in, but it was stated clearly by signs everywhere that not everyone was welcome. There were even signs telling you to stay on sidewalks and don’t venture anywhere else. We decided to walk through the area because you could see from a distance that the homes were spectacular and unique. As we walked through the area, you could feel the prying eyes watching your every move. You knew that you were an “outsider” and not welcomed. The perfect lawns, sculptured hedges and multiple high end vehicles in the drives were setting the tone of who could be there. The area, while beautiful became ugly in my mind just because of the feel that it had. The true ugliness that it carried on it’s perfect streets. We moved on after just a short stroll through.

This is something that I’ve experienced throughout my life. A poor kid that grew up shopping at the local A&P store, mixing up powdered milk when there wasn’t enough regular milk to get by on. A kid that found his way into the underworld, guided by people that promised a better life, food to eat, power through threats, and strength through intimidation. When I tried my best to get away from this life, I found that the world was still not very welcoming. I was judged by my zip code, by the school that I went to, and the lack of the best clothing. I made it a personal fight to prove those that would hold me back that I was just as good as them, perhaps better. Nothing had ever been handed to me, I struggled for everything. I appreciated any small amount of money that I could squirrel away. I toiled over second rate vehicles time and time again so that they shined like new money. Again, I appreciated everything.

I’m not saying all of this because I hate anyone that was born into a world of privilege. It’s not their fault that they were given things that I could only dream about as a kid. What I take issue with is that as they grow, they don’t notice those that do have to struggle. They’re comfortable sitting in that first class seat and looking down at the others that have to shuffle by and squeezed together in discomfort. I find fault in people raising these children to become adults that are good with glaring at others they feel don’t belong in their neighborhood, or gating them out so that they can’t share the beauty of their town. The beauty of this world was meant to be shared, it’s not just for the chosen few. I take some comfort in knowing that while many of these families might have everything beautiful around them in a physical sense, they don’t have what the rest of us hold onto dearly. We have empathy. We see others in this world and want to share the beauty and joy that it offers. We strive to bring others up that struggle rather than walking past them in some kind of ignorant bliss.

First class might offer more room, a better meal and standing at the front of the line, but the journey was still the same. I still would’ve made it to my destination, I’m good with bringing my own snacks. I don’t mind being with my people. We are many. The kid that always felt like he belonged on the outside of the beautiful has found a way in. It was a struggle, it was a learning experience, and it was hard, but I appreciate all of it that much more. There was a time that I felt like I’d sold my soul to stay alive, yet I persevered. I’m good with using coupons and not having the best of everything. I’ve become comfortable in my own skin. While it makes me sad that there are still so many parts of the world that are held out of reach to myself and others, I don’t feel that I’m lacking. I loved my trip, my vacation, my time with my bride. I enjoyed our experiences, our sights, and our memories. When all is said and done, I think that I’m the richest one. There is no holding me back, no roping me off, I’ll find beauty wherever I may roam.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Understanding Family Dynamics Through Loss and Grief

March 17, 2025 / Zombie / 1 Comment

I received word tonight that my Uncle on my Mother’s side of the family had passed away last night. He’d been battling prostate cancer and wasn’t fond of the side effects that were happening from the treatments, and decided to just let things be. I bring this up because it’s part of several topics that I’ve blogged about prior to this. Family, loss, and all the dynamics that come with humans. Grief and loss are so individual to each of us. Some may feel completely broken inside and others are able to move through the loss with what appears to be hardly a scratch. It’s a complicated subject, much the way that humans themselves are complicated. We’re messy, of that I’m sure.

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The news of this loss was something that prompted a discussion among my siblings and my cousin. The dialogue was open and cordial. We truly care for one another and again, the dynamics of family made this an interesting discussion. I’ll start by saying that I hardly knew my Uncle Brian. I have a few scattered memories of him in passing at different points in my childhood, but for the most part, I never really had conversation with him. He was my mother’s brother, and was a man of God. There were secrets much the same as all families had. My Uncle had a tough childhood, but as for the extent of what went on, I’ll never really know. He appeared to be very quiet, and had a shyness about him. I know that he had a fondness for good bourbon, one that he shared with my Uncle David on occasions. Both men of the cloth and very educated. They had a talent for listening and obviously due to the chosen careers, had a gift for speaking. They were both very human, and had their flaws as we all do.

The discussion that was shared among our small group was along the lines of who people really are, and how we find ways to get through our lives. The things that have harmed us, and the things that have given us great joy. The relationships that were forged and the people that seemed to get left behind. There were certain times that I had to take a step back and evaluate my feelings about family, especially those that hovered on the far edge of it. The ones that I really didn’t get to know. This was one of those moments. The loss of a human life is tragic. No matter how I might feel, there are many that are devastated. Just because I didn’t get the opportunity to get to know my Uncle doesn’t mean that he was a lesser person, or that his passing shouldn’t be mourned. It made me feel sad that we didn’t get to know one another. That I wasn’t able to see all the special things he had to contribute to this world. It also made me sad that he never got to know me and all that I have to offer. Family, and the delicate inner workings always play a part in these things.

I realized once becoming of adult age that both sides of my family had serious communication issues. In fact, I discovered that even within my own family, the relationships that I had with my sisters was partially controlled by my mother. It was a tactic carried on from one family to the next. She’d learned the art of “divide and conquer.” If you tell one child one thing and then tell the other something different, there remains a fracture that only the person telling the different stories is able to control, or in their eyes fix. I found that I’d be angry at each of my sisters at different times, but the reasons for being angry were manipulated by my very own mother. I’m not saying this to bring shade to my mother, it’s what she knew, it was the way she learned in her upbringing. Once I’d discovered this, I sat with my sisters and made a pact that we would never let anything come between us. That we would keep our bond as siblings tight. We began a group text that was left open for each of us to reach out to one another. We took our control back. This may have been upsetting to my mother at first, but as time went on she discovered how wonderful it was to see all of us together at different times, and happy. Something that she struggled with within her own family. Fractured relationships stayed in place among her siblings, and in some cases all the way to their very deaths. This was something that I never wanted to see with my sisters. They were not only my sisters, but my best friends and closest allies.

The webs that we weave. Due to these many fractured relationships, I was never given the opportunity to learn about other family members. It was similar on my father’s side of the family. He didn’t get along well with his brother or my Aunt, so we didn’t get to be around our cousins. We were told stories that as adults learned were not true. I was always told that they were the “rich” Neeleys and didn’t want to be associated with bums from the wrong side of town. I learned to dislike all of them without ever even truly knowing them. When we were actually together, I felt nothing for them. I knew the stories, and they had to be true. Once again, as an adult, I searched for truth. I wanted to know who these people were that shared my name and bloodline. Why didn’t they like us? I felt the same when I was at my Uncle David’s funeral service. My uncle Brian and his wife were there and for the first time in my life I spoke up. I explained to them that while they didn’t get a chance to know us, I wanted to assure them that we were all very good people. That we were worth knowing and that I was sad that so much time had gone by without having that. My Aunt was taken back by my words, but I knew that I had to speak up. I’d seen too much in life to just let this opportunity go by. She stated that she was sorry that we didn’t spend more time together as well. The unfortunate part of this story is that we never did get that bridge built. My Uncle is now gone and yet another chance to make things right has been lost.

This brings me to what I have before me now. I have just one Aunt left on my mother’s side of the family. She’s a happier version of my mother and it makes me love her even more. I have a few cousins still around as well. A couple of which I’ve forged very close bonds with. (Yeah Rick, I consider us close). I just said tonight that I want to take in everything that I can in my life before I have to leave it. Family is a big part of it. I try to reach out as often as I can with those that mean the most. I’d like to push that further and get all involved. I’m also realistic enough to know that some will never desire these same things, and I’ve learned to be good with that.

Anyone that’s spent time reading my blog knows that I’ve been secretive and isolated for a good portion of my younger life. When I get my book out there it’ll shed more light on the how’s and why’s this happened. Spending so much time self isolating is not the answer, and leads to even more damage. I know now that being open and extending my hand out is the best way, even when it’s painful. Even when I feel that someone has wronged me. I need to know truth and the only way to find it is to be open. I owe that much to those around me.

I love my family. They’re unique, messed up and flawed…they’re all so very human. I’ll continue to be the best version of me that I can, and will always try my hardest to seek the truth. Once finding truth, I need to process it and find a way forward, no matter how complicated. I wish all of these things for those reading this now. This is my way of grieving the loss of a man that deserves to be grieved. This is how I find my truth. I’m sorry that I didn’t get to know him better and that we couldn’t be more in this world. He was loved, and he was human. Perhaps we’ll bridge the gap on the other side of life.

Thank you so much for following along…

~Robert~

Awakening from Human Trafficking: My Journey to Survival

February 6, 2025February 6, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Recently at my job I had to do my yearly training for “signs of human trafficking.” I’ve been doing this annually for quite some time now, but for some reason this time it really hit home. When I think of human trafficking, I think of others, people in the outside world. Whether it’s sex trafficking, forced labor, or some other kind of abuse, it’s always been on the outside. When reading through our material and listening to the videos, something caught my attention and I found myself turning my training inward. I had a breakthrough at that moment.

My life as an underground person has always been something that I was never proud of. I looked at myself as a poor, somewhat rough kid that just happened to grow up on the wrong side of the tracks. I fell in with a man that stated he saw something in me that could enhance my life, make things “better.” Everything started out simple enough. Watching people was easy and getting paid to do so was even better. There were “lessons” that gradually progressed, both in what was expected of me and the severity that came with failure. I learned to fear this man, and knew what he was capable of. The benefits of being around him were money and a certain amount of power. I wouldn’t realize until later that my powers were very limited and almost any request that I would make came at a cost. Nothing is free in this world. The subtle way that all of this started was by design. Treat you good, pay you well, smile a lot and gain your trust. I trusted him after being around him at first. He was also a friend of my father, so I felt a connection was in place there. What I realized later, is that I’d fallen into a trap for which there usually is no way out. I became part of very structured organization that believed in nothing more than making fast money, and lots of it. I see now that I was part of human trafficking. Webster’s definition of human trafficking is this. (The unlawful act of transporting or coercing people in order to benefit from their work or service, typically in the form of forced labor or sexual exploitation.) I fit right into the very definition! He gained financial benefits by coercing me to work, in very grave conditions. Putting my life and the life of my family and friends in the cross hairs. It’s like I’d read this for the very first time during my training at work. I’d had an awakening.

I sat at my desk looking at these words over and over again. It brought about a flurry of emotions. It was almost dizzying how fast things were coming at me. I started thinking of the different things that had been done to me. Places that I was made to go. People that I had to interact with that made my stomach turn. The constant fear that never seemed to leave me. All the nightmares that had kept me from beautiful sleep, and worst of all, a huge part of my adolescence had been stolen from me. I’d been betrayed, broken and left in a void at the end…wondering if I’d stay alive at all. This opened up Pandora’s box. Everything that happened over those years of “service” and all of the damage that had been caused by it. So many things were broken that wouldn’t come to the surface until way later in my life. The relationships that I was unable to form. The people that I could never tell my secrets to. My family that had to watch me struggle in silence for so long. So much…just so much to process.

I reached out to my counselor and told her that I had what I felt was an “awakening.” This felt like the biggest breakthrough in the many years that I’ve been in counseling. I felt like my counselor (Amy) had been trying to lead me to this all along. She mentioned things like “what would’ve happened if you’d stayed in the game?” “Where do you think it would’ve progressed to?” She mentioned human trafficking. My immediate thought was, at that time, trafficking of others. It never dawned on me that I was the one that was already being used. She replied back to my text about the awakening, “yes, awakening! Glad you can see that connection of threat and intimidation!” She understood me. It’s as though she’d been waiting at the train station the entire time for me to arrive. Her reply made me smile. This amazing person cares about me and what I’ve been through. I want to take this moment to share something she wrote to me after my last blog. I’ve asked her permission, and she’s granted it.

For Robert

Someday you will forgive yourself. For what you did, for who you were, for pain you caused.

Someday, you will allow your guilt to befriend your shame and awaken the fear of death and darkness.

For those you couldn’t protect. And then one day, Like the tulips in the Spring Who hid underground. Like the monsters, will suddenly emerge older, wiser, more confident Transformed.

And wisdom will spill from the moon and unite with the energy of the sun. Just like light and dark needs to be-

Exposed, Vulnerable, Beautiful, Healthy versions of male and female. Listen again…Healthy versions of male and female. Live life full of love Forgiveness, Redemption, Renewal. Now it’s time to walk the streets with peace and be open to the male and female gentle loving inspiration. ~Amy C.

From the first moment that I started to read this I could feel my eyes start to fill up. All of the things that I’ve carried, for so many years. All the crushing weight of shame, sorrow, and guilt have started to lift. I did not ask for the things that happened to me and I’m no longer a victim of these crimes. I’m a survivor!

For those that I couldn’t ever tell, I hope that you’ll understand. Those that are part of my life now, I’m finding my way, and I now feel hope. I will continue to write about all of this, as it’s a journey that’s taken so much, but a journey that I feel will have an ending of my own choice. One that has peace.

January was National Human Trafficking Awareness month. I’d like to remind everyone that there are others still out there suffering at the hands of those that would profit from the very destruction of a human life. Please be mindful of your surroundings, and look out for those that might need your help. As a Survivor of Trafficking, I can tell you that your help and understanding can make all the difference.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

love

Seeking peace

Pushing the negative aside

The cost of silence/Finding your voice

Finding Peace Through Ghosts From The Past

The Power of Mothers: A Tribute

How a Typing Teacher Inspired My Life Transformation

Finding Hope in Darkness

Empathy Over Exclusivity: My Perspective

Understanding Family Dynamics Through Loss and Grief

Awakening from Human Trafficking: My Journey to Survival