It’s been a minute since I’ve been able to sit down and get back into my comfort zone. When I tell you that I enjoy writing, it’s for real. All the many things that go through my head that I wish to set free. There’s also the need to finish out thoughts from conversations. I listen to pretty much everyone that takes the time to have an open discussion with me. If you remain open to others, there are things to be learned. That’s something that I learned early. Being trained as a voyeur is not always about what you see, but also the conversations. I take all of this information and process it. The end result is a person that is driven to seek not only truth but the best way forward. My desire for perfection is strong. Like my ability to figure people out, it can be considered both a blessing and a curse. Let’s see if I can reach others with this one. The “need” or “desire” for perfection.

As I stated, my training early in life was about watching and picking up on details. I learned to notice the smallest things. The study of humans started as a tween and has followed me my entire life. This is one of the many skills I acquired. I consider it to be helpful at times. People have a way of showing you who and what they are without knowing it. The subtle “ticks” that they have will allow you to figure things out about them. Focus too much and it can be maddening. There are times that I just want to be and not assess. This is where the struggle comes in. I have a strong desire to “stay ahead”. This is so I can’t be harmed. Because of this, it’s rare for me to shut down. Back in the day, seeking perfection was a way of staying alive. You can’t show a weakness or someone will exploit it. The armor is always on, and while the weight is tremendous, allowing a slip was deadly.

Moving forward, these subtle ways of managing life carry into other areas. Everything from the way you keep your home to the relationships you’re in. You have an expectation of yourself that is set at such a high level, it’s almost not obtainable. Imagine those around you when they stumble into your world. I say all the time the humans are flawed. I’m very aware of my shortcomings. I take ownership of each and every flaw that I have. The pressure that I place upon myself to get beyond those flaws is where I can get into trouble. There is literally no one that can come down on me harder than I do with myself. This is an area that I’m still working on. Attempting to free myself from the shackles I’ve placed on my own being.

I started this blog talking about seeing things through the eyes of Zombie. How I’ve viewed life as this voyeur, night crawler, sometimes demon. I’ve opened up my life to all of you. I hope that others will find a way through their own struggles. While doing this, I’ve started my own path to healing. I continue to discuss many topics that I feel can be useful and therapeutic. I see others that struggle with trying to keep things “perfect.” Anything from trying to manage their professional life, to perhaps just having a birthday party. The desire in us to please ourselves as well as others in our orbit can be draining. What is it that makes us this way? When did it start in your own life? This is something that I ponder when having my own thoughts about perfection. Not everyone experienced the type of trauma that I did growing up. So what was it that turned this on in their brain?

As I’ve aged, there has been a certain amount of wisdom that came about. I’ve learned that I physically can’t be “perfect.” The body is going to do what the body wants to do. I’m quite certain that I’ve had numerous discussions with my body about how it treats me…lol! While my brain says “hey, get your ass moving” the body does it’s own thing. I’ve also learned that all of this seeking of perfection is just too much. Exhaustion is usually the state that I find myself in. Don’t get me wrong, I still push, and I still use the abilities that I have. I’ve just learned that I’m not superman. I’m also not entirely the “Zombie” that I once was. Zombie was relentless in the pursuit of not only perfection, but survival. I’d like to think that I’m beginning to find a balance in all of this. As discussed with my counselor, I “embrace the darker side of me now.” I use the abilities/skills that I’ve acquired from the darkness to continue to survive. I also work towards being gentle with myself at times. I asked myself the question the other day after work…”what does perfection look like in your mind?” It’s not something that I can picture. The reason for this is simple, there really is no “perfect.” Striving to be my best and accepting my flaws is the direction that I’ll travel now. I won’t always be the best at something. I can’t win every battle. My new version of perfect is finding balance. Allowing others to teach me as I go forward in life. Once again that young boy inside of me that always wanted to be invisible. The one that sat quietly studying, watching, listening, and learning is still there. He’s asked that I finally take a step back and breathe. That being said; I digress.

Keep life in front of you. Seek love and light. Be strong in your convictions, but also take the time to be gentle with yourselves. These are all things that I knew very little of earlier in life. Learn from the lessons Zombie has put forth…and just breathe.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

I’m no stranger to hunger. While at this stage in my life I’m able to provide for myself and my family. There was a time when I struggled. Many of the decisions that I made early in my life were based on being poor and hungry. I found myself making a choice that I thought would take me in a better direction. This in turn put me in greater peril. When you find yourself having to make the hard choice between life and death, the moral line breaks down. I can see this happening in the world today and it’s something to be both feared and detested.

We’re currently sitting on the edge of one of the largest shortfalls of food in our lifetime. The need to feed humans grows daily. There are more and more people facing food insecurity on a daily basis and the pending loss of support from our government will only make it worse. This is a very preventable crisis. I feel that it’s been created with an intention of cruelty. Those who have the most seem more than willing to see to it that those who have the least may soon have nothing. The hardest part of all of this is the discussions that I’ve had with other working folks. It’s as though we’ve been programmed to look at people in need as “lesser”… on the edge of inhuman. We turn our noses up at someone who requires assistance without knowing their story. I take issue with this and I’ll go on to tell you why.

Being that I came from a household that struggled, I feel the pain of those without. I take issue with people who would continue to assist in this suffering rather than step up and help. I fail to understand how people can sit idly by while other humans can’t feed their families. Can’t feed their children. I was that child. I was that poor kid whom we seem to look away from in our society. I understand how it feels to be looked at as expendable. I was born into a poor family on the wrong side of town, so my struggle is not everyone’s problem. To the “elites” of the world, the blame (obviously) falls on my own parents and their “failures”… In their eyes, it’s not society’s job to help me. If you think for a second that it doesn’t happen this way, open your eyes and look around. Ask yourself what you do to help those in need. How do you talk about people who need help from our government? Do you spew anger because they’re getting “free” things? I challenge anyone to walk in the shoes of another, especially someone who had the misfortune of growing up poor. Once you’ve stood in that spot, perhaps you can feel what I felt as a child. No child born into this world had the ability to choose their parents. Nor where they given the choice of where they’d grow up.

If this sounds angry, it’s because it comes from a place of just that: anger. I grow weary of hearing the terrible things being said about anyone who makes less money. I’m tired of hearing how they need to “pull up their boot straps” and work harder. Do you really think that anyone chooses to suffer? There are millions in this country who work hard every day. They work 2 and 3 jobs to try to make ends meet. Even with that, they find that because the game is rigged against the poor, they still can’t make it. Stop for a moment and look up the annual pay for a person making $15.00 an hour and tell me how you would even pay rent with that wage. Then add to that trying to feed yourself or a family. Don’t even get me started on healthcare. Heaven forbid that you get sick or break something working all the hours you have to. The struggle is real and the mindset about the poor needs to change.

I’ve been lucky in my life. I happened upon jobs that “took a chance” on me. They looked past my zip code and the desperation on my face. My success was not all by my own doing, part of it was just luck! My life as a teen both wrecked me and built me in to someone who would never give up. I tell my story all the time so that others will know that there are many like me. The “underbelly” of the country that is willing to go the distance to survive. I talk of the feeling of being hungry and wish it on no one. The feeling in my stomach is something that I remember very well. The look on people’s faces when we had to get “government cheese” or pay for food with food stamps. The sneer of disapproval. I remember every single event as though it were yesterday. I have the ability as an adult to remember everything that made me feel like trash. I carry it as a chip on my shoulder to this very day. This too is part of my healing process. Trying to find a way to let that restless anger find peace. There can be no peace in a world that won’t feed its inhabitants.

I ask that you take a moment and slow your judgment on others. Reach deep inside of yourself and remember to have empathy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve referenced that word. I feel as though it’s been lost in our society, or perhaps just discarded from the dictionary. (EMPATHY the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.) If you’re in a position to help others, it should be your duty to do so. As I’ve stated, I’ve never forgotten where I came from. Not for a single second. I give to those in need. I support those who want to make a better life. I look to those who struggle and smile. I want them to know that I see them and feel their struggles. I fail to understand how anyone can look at another human being and just simply dismiss them. I suppose it’s easy when you don’t struggle yourself. Perhaps you’ve always had everything you needed in your life. If that’s the case, you’re truly blessed. I mean it when I say that. You were blessed to be born in circumstances that allowed you to flourish. Without the burden of being hungry, or homeless, forgotten.

While I struggle now with my demons, I still consider myself lucky. I don’t want for food as I did years ago. I’m able to sleep in a warm bed on cold nights. Yet I will hold on to the old feelings. They were real. I will remember the things said to me, both good and bad. I’ve formed them into a drive that rivals anyone’s. Not just to succeed in my own life, but to assist others. I want to leave this world knowing that I did everything that I truly could to love others. I’m hopeful that I can one day lay down and be at peace because I did everything to save myself and other “children of God.” Look within yourself today and ask yourself if you’ll be able to do the same. The world needs us. What will you do? I’ll end with this. Years ago I was asked by a senior manager at my workplace, “Why do you give so much to charities?” I was surprised by the question and simply said “Because it’s the right thing to do.”

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Taking the journey through my past can be stressful. I don’t want everyone to think that my life is totally miserable. Has it been hard, yes. There have been life lasting events that have caused damage. I try to explain to people all the time that I just view the world differently. When you’ve grown up in environments that are less than pleasant, that can happen. I feel joy, excitement, and even love just like all of you. I want others to understand my perspective. People who are broken can still function. There are still more good days than bad. I’ll touch on some of the struggles of late and my battle to get back to center.

I’ve touched on this in other blogs. I don’t look for pity. I certainly don’t want people to attempt to fix me. I simply want to bring awareness to the masses that terrible things can happen to all people. Some of these things can cause you to never fully recover. Sometimes there’s such damage that a person can give up. Search for ways to kill the pain that they carry. Worse yet, they could leave this earth by their own doing. I’ve traveled down these roads. Pain and loneliness can be so consuming that you just want a way to make it stop.

I still remember vividly walking the park and wondering where my life was going. I felt disconnected from the world. I couldn’t picture a future and needed “something.” For me the answer came in the form of running. It was the beginning of something. Something that I’d never felt before. I felt confident, and strong. Each step became a new beginning, an awakening. I began to see things differently. I didn’t feel so hopeless. June of 1985 is when I came alive.

Having tools like running and weight training have been good to me, and for me. I’ve learned the discipline of my body. I’ve learned how to take better care of both my mind and body. It didn’t take all of my pain away, but it turned on a light in a very dark tunnel. I think back to the days before discovering these activities. What a contrast they are to now. When I struggle, I seek my tools to help myself. I look to my running, now walking, and my weight training. I sit here at my computer and write. Writing has been the second greatest gift behind my running. I finally feel that I have somewhere to go that I can unload my thoughts. Running helps me to process things, but writing helps me dump them all out.

If you’ve been following me then you understand how I go back and forth. I have stretches where I’m more about getting things out and feeling the light. Then with darker moments I see all that is wrong in the world. As much as I want to, I can’t look away. I then begin to feel that I’m in a weaker state and things kind of crumble. It’s those demons again. They just seem to come for me. They appear in many different forms. Lately, it’s been through my work place. I’ve encountered people in the traveling public that are so beyond toxic that I can barely refrain from lashing out. While I won’t disclose the entire altercations. I had two, back to back where the people were so hostile, I felt that violence was inevitable. Loud, angry and threatening. None of these things are new to me and in most cases I see through them. One of these people seemed to know every one of my internal buttons and was pressing them. I have issues with people getting too close to me. This person came so close that I had to push him back three times, giving warning each time. He was yelling directly into my face while still approaching. He spoke in a foreign language, so that complicated my processing as well. I finally reached a breaking point internally. All I could hear in my head was white noise. I’d gone into defense mode and knew where it could go next. I’m grateful that I can recognize these breaks. I came at this guy with the same energy he was using. I needed to get him to step back into his vehicle. It’s my belief that when was faced with my rage, he finally backed down. I shared this event with my sister today. I explained that I was mentally standing right on the edge with this guy. We’d reached an impasse.

The following morning I was confronted yet again. This time by a couple. I was shocked that I was right back where I had left off on the previous day. What was going on in my universe? How did these people find me? They too managed to hit the buttons that I keep hidden away? I’m surprised that so many feel that they can say whatever vile crap they wish to another. I see the world differently. The world that I came from doesn’t allow for that level of disrespect. If you step up on someone, you better be ready for whatever might come your way. You never underestimate another. Don’t look at someone doing their job and think that it’s alright to take a shit on them. The saying; “be kind because you don’t know what someone is going through.” I’d take it a step further. You should be kind because you don’t know what’s lurking inside of another. Some of us carry things you really don’t want to see. Don’t invite trouble to your doorstep.

I’m grateful to have a day or so to get my thoughts back in order. I have counseling this week and plan on adding these events to the discussion. I’ve not felt that much rage in a long time. It’s the part of me that I’m the most frightened of. The side that was created to protect the child in me. The one that will harm anyone or anything if threatened. It’s so ugly and I’m ashamed for having these kind of feelings. I’m holding fast to the idea of cooler temperatures, fall skies and my walks. I’ll lean into the things that I know can bring me back to center again.

I know that my cousin reads my blogs and we’ve discussed heaven and hell. The fight between good and evil on this earth. This past weekend made me think more on that battle with darkness. I felt like I was being tested. I passed the test, but I feel the wounds that were inflicted. I felt the darkness creeping up through my veins. My dark side still lurks. I have more work to do…because my story is not over.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Zombie~

The continuing saga of life. While my story is still writing itself, I prefer the current chapters most. The earlier chapters were plagued with trauma and confusion. I still look at myself as one of the lucky ones. Through everything, I held onto a belief that I could/would someday be whole. That I deserved better and to strive for it. It doesn’t mean that other people were lesser. Some who were in a similar life situation simply chose different routes. There were some who enjoyed the world that they found themselves in and continued down that path. Chaos and control has its own level of comfort.

I’ve begun working on my darker side. My counselor and I have started to explore why I do some of the “same old things” I’ve always done. Why I still walk the streets that I grew up on. Why I lack the ability to fear others. Why I project a force of darkness. This is an area of exploration that is puzzling to me. I’ve grown older and I’d like to believe wiser along the way. I know that there’s nothing good waiting for me in some of the areas that I go through. During our previous conversation, my counselor explained the risks. A good deal of the places I wander are filled with extreme danger. She stated that she didn’t want me to get shot, and that I needed to consider Karla. She’s right. I know that she is, but I stayed away for less than a week from roaming where I felt “comfort.”

Trying to explain why I feel comfort in such terrible areas sounds “crazy.” For years I was trained not to feel anything. I don’t look at the danger or risks the same way that others do. When I walk, I assess risks. I take in everything around me and process it. I know where danger resides and I always feel that I have a way to counter it. I was asked recently if I feared being shot. My response was “I don’t want it to happen.” I’ve been threatened with guns before, and again, felt nothing.

I explained during my last session that I also feel that. If I stop walking in these areas, I’ll lose my “edge.” So, just by me saying that, it implies that I’m unwilling to let go. While I seek peace and desire better in my life, I still hold onto my darkness. Life in a split screen if you will. I desire the suburbs yet find them boring. I also don’t feel like I fit in. It’s a strange place to be in at this point in my life. Trying to find ways to calm the beast and still be good is the balance.

This writing comes on the heels of a wonderful getaway with my wife. We traveled to some beautiful parts of the country and explored. We met new people and dogs! That made the trip even better. Seeing the beauty that the world has to offer tends to calm me. Being close to my wife and sharing in the time made it even better. We celebrated 19 years of marriage, another year of me still walking this earth and just being alive. I’m still dumbfounded that I’m still here. I actually had time to just lay flat on the beach and watch the clouds. I’ve not done that in so long, it was amazing. Watching small children play in the sand, birds working hard to get goodies from the edge of the ocean. These things make my restlessness slow. We took walks around the neighborhoods and once again, my sharp edge came back to life. Watching for predators. Walking into the small beach town and being close to places that had live bands and alcohol made me uneasy. My distrust for drunks runs deep. Everything in me tightens and my “bring it on” face appears.

I’ve done well for long stretches. I’m much more aware of my feelings now. I try to remember what exactly makes me uneasy and then link it. If I react out of a trauma response, I try to assess why. I do my best now to understand feelings in my body as well. The mind-body connection is so valid. When I become hyper vigilant, my breathing changes, stomach tightens and my jaws clench. It’s as though I’m preparing for a battle. The same things happen during therapy. If we discuss something that is upsetting, I get so “revved” up. My counselor is good about pointing all of these things out so that we can discuss them. The more aware I become, the better things will be.

Life will continue to ebb and flow. I can say that I’m happy to have made it this far. I’m thankful for all that I have, and for all who are around me. My support system is vast and unwavering. That is key to my success going forward. When I think of those who didn’t find this path, or choose it. I don’t judge because I know that part of my success has been love. I have people in my life who love me and always will. Not all can say that.

I’ve added the newest tattoo to my ever growing collection. It’s a semicolon. This represents “a symbol of strength, resilience and hope in the face of mental health struggles.” It resides close to my “Survivor” tattoo. I’m letting the world know that my story is not over yet. Perhaps I’m letting myself know that my story is not over yet. I’ve struggled, I’ve fallen down, I’ve seen too much in life, and I still choose to be here. I share my struggles to find the answers that I seek. I also hope to help others do the same. We can all continue our stories in spite of our challenges.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~