Witnessing Life: Reflections on Growth and Healing

July 16, 2025July 16, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I come to my blog as a way to both shed things and find myself. There are days that I feel as though I’m shedding a skin. A worn, dried and wrinkled skin that has slowed me over the years. So many things that I’ve overcome, so many feelings that I’ve worked my way through, and yet I still wander. My wandering has more purpose to it now. I seek truth, happiness, peace, and balance. All the things that we require as humans to make it through this world intact.

I think by now everyone is aware that I go outside and walk for hours at a time. The route can change based on how I’m feeling, time set aside, and of course how my body is doing. My favorite of all my routes is one that takes me back through all of the old neighborhoods. Even the areas that I spent my younger life doing all of the lawless things. It’s familiar, and with familiarity comes comfort. I’ve said before that I fear nothing and no one. Walking these areas feels no different than walking around my own neighborhood now. I know the things to look for, I know how to posture myself, I’ve mastered the skills years ago. I’m looked upon not so much as an outsider, but one of them.

These streets, how they speak to me as I move. The route never feels the same. Each time I go there’s something more to see, hear and feel. I take all of it in. On the days when I struggle a bit more, this route can be a little taxing. My vision becomes focused on things that I really don’t want to see. Yet, something in me makes me look anyway. In so many of my blogs I refer to my time out wandering as being a witness. Witnessing the beauty that the world has to offer as well as the darkness that so many choose to ignore. I feel one with all of it now. I seemed to have developed a gypsy spirit. Wandering is something that I feel is necessary for me to do. I want to see as much as possible while I’m still breathing. It doesn’t take much to convince me into walking out the door and getting lost. You just have to say the word and I’m there.

Photo by Anastasiya Lobanovskaya on Pexels.com

Comfort is where you find it. I’m sure we all have certain things that put us at ease. Things that make us comfortable. Reading a good book, surfing social media, sharing wine with a friend. All the many different things that make us unique. I find that my time spent writing is very relaxing. Enjoying music in the background while doing anything is key to my comfort. I live and breathe music. I also find that my dogs are satisfying to my heart and soul. They give me so much love. The look that I receive when I walk through the door is unmatched by any human. If I step outside to get the mail, two sets of eyes will gaze at me when I return. Their tails will be wagging. They have a look of satisfaction because I’m there. I won’t lie when I tell you that I sing to my dogs while petting them. It’s a freeze frame moment. They stop and just stare at me in such a deep fashion. You just know that you’re loved unconditionally. I highly recommend a dog in your life, especially if you struggle with any form of mental illness. “A home is only complete when it has a dog in it.” At least that’s how I see it.

Photo by Alexandru Rotariu on Pexels.com

I’ve been spending more time working on pages in my book. This in turn makes me want to then blog more. I’m sure that some of you have noticed I’ve been shooting them out left and right. Some of it has to do with feelings that have crept up during the writing process. If I feel that I’ve gotten too deep in what I’m writing in the book. This blog helps to settle me and bring back the calmness. I’ve been working on portions that have to do with some very toxic relationships. I blogged about some of that earlier this week. Women that have had serious anger issues. One of them was a serious stalker. Then of course there were the alcoholics. The writing process is such that I feel like I’m going back through all of this. Feelings came forward that were so intense I had to get up, walk around the the house and pet my dogs. It was as though I was still living in these moments. Trying to keep it separated from your current reality can be tough. I’m sure you can all relate in some fashion. We’ve all had some kind of relationship that caused us damage. If you think of that person now, what does it make you feel? I wear my Garmin and can actually watch my heart rate jump. When I was typing about the stalker, it spiked!

I enjoy sharing all of this with the world now. Funny how I’ve spent so much in my life hiding everything away, and for what? For fear of being judged? People judge you no matter what you do in life. I prefer this new and more open version of myself. I also like having a platform. It allows me to reach others who might suffer in the same way that I have. I’ve had some great conversation from things I’ve blogged about. I’ve also had great conversations that have sparked feelings that in turn prompted me to write. It’s safe to say that writing for me is the ultimate in comfort.

While I had a small set back this week. I feel good today. I’m better equipped to handle stresses now. My counselor has taught me much and given me the tools I need to flourish in my life. I see things differently now. I’ve read back through some of my earlier blogs and can actually see the growth. I see some hope now where all I could see before was sadness. I think that once I’m able to get through this book writing I’ll feel clean. When I write my final page I can look down and smile. I’ll know that what I have then is my life lived. All of my sadness, anger, cruelty, brokenness, and deceit are balanced. They are balanced with all of the desire, hope, understanding, guidance, patience, and love.

I’m only one person on a giant planet full of many people. While I’m only one, my story is unique. It’s one that needed to be told. The events required witnesses. That’s where you all step in. You’re a witness to all of this. I appreciate that I have all of you to read what I have. To walk the streets with me and see everything that I see. Whether it’s through my eyes or the eyes of Zombie. We’ll move forward together.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Seeking peace

July 13, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’m going to jump into a topic that could get long winded. I’d like to explore relationships on several different levels. Get into the how and why we align ourselves with certain types of people. Is it that we seek a certain type of person to be part of our life, or do these people seek us. There have certainly been many times throughout my life when I’ve encountered less than desirable people. In some cases even had more intimate relationships with them. Later in life I look back and wonder what it was that caused this. Why would I put myself in such a bad position? Let’s take a deeper look at all of this and see how it unwinds.

I’ll start where I usually do and tell you that I was groomed at a young age by a man who knew exactly how to manipulate other humans. He was a master at the craft and did his best to then train me to be the same. This was my first real encounter with someone who I should’ve never let into my life. I was too young to understand what he was doing. I was still trying to learn what the world was all about when he arrived. There was a level of trust because he was friends with my father. We seek approval from our parents, and we use them as a guide when we’re children. If they have this person in their world, well then it must be o.k. for me to have them in mine, right? Predators find their way into all kinds of circles: Friends, family, and social structures such as churches, clubs etc. They know what they’re doing and they know what to look for. This had me asking as an adult, what was I doing that made me such a target? Did I send out some kind of vibe or have some kind of marking on me that said I would be an easy target? I questioned myself for so many years. Sat in silence wondering what I had “done.” Self isolation and self evaluation turned into self hatred. I did this to myself. I brought this upon myself was what I began to think. Nothing could be further from the truth!

As I moved through my life, I continued to be in situations with people that I knew deep inside of me were not going to be good for me. It’s my belief that I did this because of my lack of self-esteem and the damage that had already occurred. When you think so little of yourself, that opens the door for the ones that we should steer clear of to come in. It again brings me to the question, did I invite them? When I was at my most reckless, I didn’t believe that I’d live long. This way of thinking had me doing things that one would normally never do. I chose people who were damaged and broken. They were seeking refuge in my world from whatever demons followed them. Their issues then became mine. This is where things got ugly.

As I stated before. I’m a keen study of humans and tend to notice things that many would not. I could see these people who struggled, or were predators, coming yet did nothing to stop it. Perhaps in some cases I felt that I could “fix” them. Make the world they lived in better somehow. Like I had the power to move mountains. The “white knight syndrome” as I refer to it. I can ride in, fix all the broken and everything will be good again. It just doesn’t work that way with humans. We’re too complex for that. Whether it was the “friends” that I chose to be around, or the women that I chose to be partners with. The results kept coming up the same way. I encountered alcoholics (numerous), stalkers, manipulators and violent humans. When I tell you that I’m surprised that I’ve survived so much of my life, it’s a very true story. I’m grateful that I’m still here and able, as well as willing to talk about all of this.

Being with a person who says that they love you and then does horrible things to you should make you stop and ponder your life situation immediately. While attempting to break apart from a toxic relationship in my life, I found myself on the receiving end of someone telling me that if I left them they would kill themselves. Think about that statement for a second. The weight placed upon you from the guilt that comes with such words. Guilt is a weapon that is used to control. “If you don’t do as I say this will happen and it will be your fault.” That’s what I was hearing. I will tell you now that my response to this was to end the relationship and if this person “chose” to harm themselves, it was not my burden to carry. Yet I could see how someone could fall into that trap. It wasn’t without some serious thought that I came to the decision that I did. I’ll tell you now that this person never harmed themself and moved on in their life. It was nothing more than someone trying to be controlling and take my own power away from me.

The stalker: I dated a woman for only a couple of months and decided that it wasn’t something I wanted to pursue any longer. The response was unsettling. It began with a constant barrage of notes and letters left on my vehicle. A tape recording that had both songs and her speaking was left on the gate of my parents’ home for me. From there it went to being followed while out on runs or when going to the store. She was a police officer in my city so I found myself getting pulled over several times…”just to talk.” When it ramped up into subtle threats, I had to hire an attorney who then sent a letter to the police department asking that she cease and desist. A protective order was also put into place. This finally put an end to what had become a nightmare. Looking over your shoulder all the time is something that I’d done earlier in my life and found myself doing yet again.

The alcoholic that chose the bottle every single time over our relationship: It didn’t matter how reckless it was, or who was hurt along the way. The only thing that mattered at the time was the drink. There were several alcoholics in my world. Some I dated and finally moved on from, two of them I actually married. The ones that I married were very good at hiding their desire for booze. It came out later on once they found their level of comfort with me. I guess they felt that I was on the hook now because of the vows I made, so it was cool to unleash hell. The first marriage was the easy one to walk away from. We had no children and had not been married for that long. I felt tortured that I’d made this “mistake.” The second marriage was much uglier. There were children involved and I was now dealing with the lives of kids who didn’t have a say in all of this. I thought at the time that it would be best to stay in the marriage for the sake of “saving” the kids. Please don’t ever use this way of thinking. The kids suffered damage and would regardless of my relationship with their mother. I couldn’t shield them from the wrath of an angry drunk. I wasn’t around 24/7 to control all situations. I found the strength to push away from her and build something with the kids. More damage came from this relationship and I’d lost faith in myself. How did I let this happen?

A wise and wonderful woman came into my life through Al-Anon and became my sponsor. I live by so much of what she taught me to this very day. We sat together one day and had a discussion about people who have come and gone in our lives and how all the problems came to be. In my case with relationships she made it simple. “You need to readjust your antenna.” While I chuckled at the statement she made it clear that I needed to stop looking for women I felt I could save or change. This also carried over into any other relationships in my life. Think things through and choose people who don’t “need” you. They just simply want to be with you because they choose to. They can stand on their own two feet even if you’re not there. When I made that change for myself, I found that I suddenly attracted better people. My current wife is the one that I found by making that adjustment. She’s capable of being on her own, she needs nothing from me, but chooses to be with me, and I with her. Coming up on 20 years, so I think it’s safe to say that it was a smart move.

I think that the answer to the question of do we seek these people or do they seek us is a combination of both. When you’re broken you can certainly allow yourself to make bad decisions. It doesn’t make you a horrible person, it just means that you’re going to struggle unnecessarily. Fixing whatever it is inside you that needs fixing is the first step. I’ve always agreed with the saying that “you can’t love someone else unless you love yourself first.” Along with this, there are people out there who have similar abilities that I do. They can see things that most don’t pay attention to. They use this for their own personal gains. They use the ability to seek those whom they feel they can manipulate and control. My training early on was on purpose. The man who was training me wanted to turn me into someone who could both see trouble coming and also recognize an easy target. So I know what I’m talking about here. This is part of the pain that I carry now because I see so many around me who struggle, or are tortured in relationships that are broken. I hear their cries of pain without ever getting into all of their details. They’ve been selected by someone who is there to further their own agenda. That’s not love, it’s predatory.

Insanity is often described as “repeating the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result.” I learned that I was repeating the same things and always wanting for something better. It wasn’t until I made changes to myself that I found better results. Understand that just because you’ve made mistakes in your life doesn’t mean that you have no value. Just because you’ve divorced several times doesn’t make you less. I can’t say it enough that we’re all just humans trying to find our way. If you’ve made a poor decision and it’s causing you pain, make the necessary changes to stop that hurt, don’t allow it to fester. There’s no judgment involved in wanting better for yourself. It’s not selfish to want to find peace. If it’s selfish, then sign me up for being selfish, because I want peace more than anything.

I wear a band on my Garmin watch that says “Stalked by Demons, Guarded by Angels.” I’ve been stalked by demons for far too long and welcome the guardians. I want others to do the same. I’m still here today because I’ve always believed somewhere deep inside of me that I was good, that I had value. Even when so many looked the other way. Even when I was preyed upon. I held onto my inner voice. That voice is louder than ever now and I’m finally seeing the light. Ask yourself if you’re willing to do the same. No, none of this has been easy, but no one said that life was. Hold onto that voice and be the change that will bring you peace.

Thank you for following along on my journey

~Robert~

Pushing the negative aside

July 7, 2025July 7, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

This is the part of me that I never wanted to share with others. These are the thoughts that haunt me at every turn in my life. The self-doubt, the sadness, the desire to be seen. All of the things that I was trained to put aside and keep moving no matter what. They all still reside inside of me to this very day. While I’m much better than I was earlier in my life, the struggle remains. The hardest part is that you never know when it will emerge. It can unexpectedly turn you upside down. A stalking burglar waiting for the right time to attack.

I recently decided to take my wife on a quick overnight trip to Indianapolis to see a WNBA game. It was something that I thought she’d enjoy and out of our “usual” order of places to go. While she’d been to the city on prior visits with her brother to see Drum corps competition. This would be a first for the two of us. I threw the idea to go and see a game out to her and she grabbed hold. I purchased some nose bleed seats for a game. I also scored a hotel with parking. We were all set for an adventure. The drive was a little on the boring side. On the route between Ohio and Indiana, all you find are giant farm fields. There are also giant churches. Neither of which screams for my attention. We arrived in town and headed for a local brewery that also doubled as a dog park. While I have zero interest in beer, I love seeing and touching dogs. It was a cute place. It was set in a neighborhood. It reminded me of the “Old West End” back in Toledo. Old homes that had been redone, apartments that were situated because it was also home to Indiana University. My wife selected some beers to sample. She would eventually have them fill a growler for her with the winning flavor. There were dogs situated about the place and a big screen showing others outside playing in all forms of water. It was an overall cute experience.

From there we made our way to our hotel, got parked and situated. The next order of business was to find lunch. We searched all the places in walking distance and settled on a place that Karla had been to prior. It was a popular place. Once we arrived, there were people waiting both inside and outside to get a spot. It was at this point that I could feel my anxiety start to build. Once getting inside the door, the closed off feelings started to come into play. A guy waited with his family. He was getting way too close in my space. I found myself beginning to evaluate my surroundings. God, I hate when my brain starts doing this but it’s like a knee jerk reaction. I look around and start to check exits, look at people that could be threats, and shut down internally. The guy behind me had already bumped into me twice causing me to give looks of disapproval. My wife said to hang on. She assured me it would only be about 10 minutes. I wasn’t sure if I’d make it. The space was too cramped. It was warm because of the heat from the door opening and closing so much. The people were not good about personal space. This is what goes on in my head. These are the types of things that my spouse has to process right along with me. She’s become a unwilling participant in my illness.

Trying to explain these feelings to my wife, or anyone for that matter can be taxing. I already have feelings of guilt because I can’t go into a stupid restaurant without getting mentally pressed. Is it fair for someone else to go through these things with you? Does she really understand? How can she be with me? These feelings weigh heavily on you. They sit at the table with you as you try to explain that you’ll be alright. The attempt to explain that the space was bad and the people were touching you almost sounds absurd. I wrestle with this all of the time. This afternoon on our get away would be no different. Once we were in our own space and I could breathe again, I began to find my center. I slowly started to calm down and make light conversation with our server. The game that would follow was great. I did my own assessments as we walked through the complex. I managed to stay focused on this new experience. I was able to stay present during the game and not worry about everything around me.

Once we released out after the game and hit the street. I felt the calm that I’d been searching for. My desire to be on the street felt more at home. I enjoyed walking about and taking in the sights. Yet, I was still evaluating those that could be threats. When I talk about my walks across the city, I feel at ease. I also feel the same way during hikes through trails in parks. The following morning after the game we woke early and headed out for a walkabout in the city. Taking in all that Indy had to offer. Enormous sports complexes, old homes, warehouses that had been converted into either apartments or commercial businesses. The local zoo and a river walk. We found ourselves caught up in a local 5K while walking and just took notice at all the many teens that were participating in the event. It made me smile to see so many youth taking part in the sport that brought me so much peace. I couldn’t help but think maybe there were some in the group that felt like I do about running. Perhaps it was their best friend too. Again, it made me smile. It’s times like this that I feel free and want to just be. I enjoy being with my wife, talking about whatever comes to mind. I truly feel happy when we do our walks. How funny that I derive so much pleasure from something that cost nothing. Don’t get me wrong. I loved going to the game. However, I found more happiness in the walk with Karla on the following morning.

This weekend has shown me that I’m still capable of getting through things that in the past I never would’ve been able to do. It’s also given me a reminder that I still have more work to do. You are enjoying a part of your life. You’re with the person you truly want to be with. You don’t want to explain why you feel bad. Why you feel unloved, or broken. My sister and I just talked about the ability to love. “I told her that we’re unable to love others unless we can love ourselves first.” She agrees. I do love myself, at least enough now that I can share my feelings with someone else. It didn’t come right away, but it’s come now to stay. I’ve promised my wife that if she can see through all of my faults/flaws, there is someone on the other side that is worth spending her time with. She’s still here after almost 20 years together, so I’m hopeful she does see the value in me that for me at times is the biggest struggle of them all.

Thanks so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

The cost of silence/Finding your voice

July 2, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Blurring the lines and keeping people apart is a tactic used by mob figures for decades. Keeping people on the cusp of thinking they’ll eventually get a share of the riches is part of the game. I know this and have firsthand knowledge of such practices. I was made to believe that a better life was obtainable, as long as I did as I was told. As time progressed and I began to question why I wasn’t seeing all the riches and better life that was promised, the darker side came into play. At that point, I was too far in and everything changed. Threats, bullying, and manipulation were served daily to keep me in line. When you watch current events unfold, I wan you to think seriously about what I’m saying here and understand that there’s not a good ending going forward.

I’ve explained many times that I’m a study of humans, a voyeur if you will. This too started out at a very young age and was part of my grooming process. While the idea was to sharpen my skills and make me aware of everything around me, the boss never thought that my skills would then become so sharp that I’d pay the same attention to what he was doing and how he was doing it. Knowledge is key in this world. Having proper schooling and training is key to being a successful person. People who want to control know this and do everything they can to make sure that you don’t get the proper tools to succeed. If you’re smarter than they are, you’ll understand the game and could throw everything into chaos. I’ll share a quote from an educated and very talented rock artist.

“Just in General, any government throughout history hasn’t really wanted its people to be educated, because then they couldn’t control them as easily.” (Maynard James Keenan from the band Tool)

That right there is a very true and powerful statement. When we are kept from becoming better educated, and stronger, our demise will soon follow. I felt this when I was working in the underworld. I was doing everything that was asked of me. I worked hard to make things better in my life, only to find that I’d end up terrified to speak, unable to walk around freely and more than anything, lost my ability to sleep. There was no winning in this world. I was just put in place to enrich a very small few, mostly the boss’s family members. Those of us who took risks, put our bodies on the line, lost our ties with family and friends were left soulless and angry. All of the promises that were made never came to fruition. The only things that I’ve gained were some street skills and an acute ability to understand other humans. The trade off was far from balanced and I’ve suffered for most of my life because of it.

Watching the world today makes me feel as though my old boss is back in charge of my life. Promises of greatness and riches are spewed out on a regular basis, and if you don’t believe those promises, you’re the one not to be trusted. You are then looked upon as “the enemy.” How dare you not believe what the boss is saying. How dare you question what you know are untruths. I’ve seen this play out before, in my past life. The boss, his family and friends are the ones who will enjoy the spoils that are provided by the foot soldiers. You may be thrown an occasional scrap, but you’ll never sit at the table with them. You’re not part of that world.

We’ve become a society of “all about me.” There is no more empathy, or even desire to understand the struggles of other humans. “Let them fend for themselves, pick up their bootstraps and make better for themselves, that’s not my job.” We can walk silently past the homeless, we can reach to protect our handbags when seeing someone who might not look like us, and we can turn our backs on someone who has lost everything. This is the sad reality of life in America. “If it doesn’t affect me directly, then it doesn’t matter at all.” That’s how I see people when I look around nowadays. Communities and neighborhoods have been sacrificed. States are fighting against other states to gain the almighty dollar from the corporate overlords. When I see this, again it makes me think of my old boss. All these same things went on and the only winner was him.

I’ve heard all of the banter over these past years, and I’ve been called many different names for questioning the validity of certain statements. While my soul is still restless from my past, I continue to try to find a way to mend. I need to find a way to reach others so that they too don’t become broken pieces in this winless game. See things for what they are, become a study of humans and break out. Look to build bridges with others around you and never be silenced by anyone. Never, and I mean never let someone take away your voice! I’ve said this in past blogs. We the people have the right to be heard and seen. There is no path forward unless we make the changes that are necessary. If it’s left to the bosses, you’ll never be free and it won’t end well.

If you take anything from my blogs, take this. I’ve seen how bad humans can be, and I’ve seen how wonderful they can be as well. Now is the time to look into the mirror and ask yourself what you see. It’s time to ask yourself what kind of world you want to live in, raise your kids in, or perhaps see your grandchildren grow up in. Will you accept the promises of the “boss,” or will you look to your neighbor and unite for a better tomorrow? The choice is still ours. Your voice is still your own, for the moment. Don’t let someone make you live in silence and secrets. I’ve spent my lifetime digging my way out of that, so I know the path that I’m choosing. Take my hand as we move forward. Let me end this with a verse from the Bible.

“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and say to you, Do not fear: I will help you.”

Isaiah 41:13

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

The Connection Between Self-Esteem and Personal Value

June 22, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Self worth “The inherent belief in one’s own value as a person, regardless of external factors like achievements or opinions. It’s a sense of being good enough and deserving of love and respect.”

Self Esteem “Is an individual’s subjective sense of their own worth and value.”

While these two are closely related, they’re distinct concepts. Let me get into this and share my perspective.

I was an easy target for someone to manipulate me when I was young because I struggled with self-esteem. I didn’t value who I was as a person, and I was influenced by outside sources that left me with the inability to build myself up. If you feel as though you have no value, it’s hard to build it up when you take what others have to say as gospel. When a person continually tells you that you’re worthless, you just might begin to believe it. I’m here to tell you, don’t listen!

I came from a poor family. We had very little, and it showed at times. We wore secondhand clothing and got by on bare essentials for many years. These kinds of things can leave you feeling cast aside by society. Add to that the fact that I lived in a poor area of the city, which puts you at a disadvantage when applying for jobs or socializing in general. The minute you put your zip code down it was as though you could almost feel the look of disgust. You knew at that point your application would find its way to file X.

Society wants winners and pretty people. They don’t want to hear from those who have to struggle. It doesn’t make them feel good. I walked the streets with a chip on my shoulder because I felt the weight of this and it grew worse as time went on. Rather than helping to build people up, we leave them at the side of the road where predators can feed upon them. This I know for fact because I fell into that trap. The guy who “groomed” me did so in such a fashion that I felt I would want for nothing. I had power through intimidation and violence. I skirted the edges of the law and did so unapologetically. I went from a kid who had nothing to one who had the power and backing of the underworld, or so I thought. My self esteem was built on lies and deception, and when it was pulled away, I fell back into my belief that I was nothing.

The things that changed me for the better were having people come into my life who offered me a better view of the world. I was hungry for a better life, a better world. Once I caught a glimpse of how things could be, it drove me to want to succeed. Finding that I was capable of being good at things and believing in myself drove my self-esteem to higher levels. I knew that I could compete with anyone and be successful. I no longer relied on the voices that would try to hold me back in order to serve their purpose.

One of the biggest changes in my life came with running. Running was something that gave me confidence. It didn’t matter if I was fast or slow, I was doing it on my own. My success was based on my ability to put on a pair of running shoes and just go. This was such a transformative time in my life. My feelings of pride and accomplishment gave me the internal voice to stand tall and feel good about myself. I felt that what I’d learned from my running I could apply to all aspects of my life and succeed.

While running wasn’t the cure, it was the beginning of a wonderful change in me. Running gave me more than it ever took away. That’s more than I can say for numerous people who passed through my life. While it did help me with relationships, it wasn’t able to fix all the damage that I’d encountered. The next step was walking into a counselor’s office and being open about my life. Stepping out of the shadows that had made me believe for so long that I could never do better. It gave me the confidence to change my direction in all aspects of my life. I learned that I have value, and I can command respect. I also learned to love deeply and openly. Placing trust in those you know won’t harm you.

If you believe in yourself and understand your value in this world, you’ll attract better humans into your orbit. Don’t settle for people who want to put you down or place value on you based on your looks, your pocketbook, or your zip code. I’d rather stand alone than settle for people who think so little of me. If you feel as though you’re with a person who doesn’t hear you or see you for everything that you are, do yourself a favor and move on. We all have something special about us. Being human means that we have our flaws, but rather than think less of ourselves, we should just simply celebrate who and what we are.

I wear all my scars with honor now. My brokenness is a thing of beauty. It may not be for everyone, but I’m good living in my own skin, and that’s what really matters. I no longer allow others to place a value on who or what I am. I tell you all this because I hope that I reach those who might still be struggling with their value. Once again I say, “I see you, and I hear you.” Don’t just wish for better, make the changes within yourself to be better. Take care of you first and you’ll see that your self-esteem will skyrocket. This will in turn make you understand that your self-worth is truly controlled by you. Never give your power to another person…ever.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Understanding Emotional Healing: The Science of Music

June 19, 2025June 19, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’d like to start out my blog today by sharing a piece by R.M. Drake:

“One day you’ll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat, and maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you, and welcome you home.”

I’ve been on here many times throwing so much of my life out there, that I’m sure at times people wonder “will he ever get better?” There have been many blogs that have covered darkness and despair. They were necessary. I had to put things in writing in order to face all of it and understand what part I played in all of it. I had to read through my own work and make a decision on whether I wanted to remain in my secluded world, or break free and experience life on different terms. Yes, there are many bad things that I’ve done and that have happened to me. Yes, I’m damaged inside and outside from all of it. Yes, I’m broken, but I’ve never given up on the hope that I could be better. Even when life was at it’s toughest, I looked for a way forward. That glimmer of light that I could follow and use to find my way to the surface.

Earlier in life I was closed off from my entire family. I’d found a way to seal off everything. This was done for the protection of both them and myself. I had to learn to have no feelings, or at least make it look on the surface as if I had none. Feelings were a way for the “others” to find their way in and bring harm to you. If I were to have told anyone in my family all of the things that were going on, they would surely have been harmed. I’m certain that I would have met with my own demise as well. While all of this was going on and I was locked away from everything, I was still seeking that light. Music became my escape from pain. At times when I felt like I was going to explode internally, I turned to music to find a way through. So many times I was able to push through the pain and continue to survive.

If you spend any time around me now, you’ll probably hear some kind of music playing in the background. I have it on now while I’m doing this blog, and I have it on while I’ve been writing my book. You can hear music while I do housework, clean cars or any of the many activities that I perform throughout the day. Music keeps me going. Some of it just has to do with the way it sounds. Then there are the songs that you swear the artist knew exactly what you were feeling when they wrote the song. You associate with the song and it somehow becomes a part of you. I’ve used music to survive and continue to use it in my healing process. It’s safe to say that it’s a necessity in my life.

There is an actual name for when you get chills, or goosebumps from listening to music. It’s known as frisson. Here is some interesting information about the music and brain connection from Science Times.

“What happens to your brain when you get chills:

The study suggests that the denser fiber in the brain means that the auditory and emotion-processing areas of the brain of those who get chills are better able to communicate with each other, thus the stronger reaction they have to what is called musical stimuli. Sachs also concluded in his study that those who get the chills have a higher tendency to experience more intense emotions than those people who do not feel anything while listening to music.”

This helps me to understand myself a little better. I’ve always felt that my brain was hyperactive anyway, and to find that an actual brain/music connection has been proven scientifically is a game changer. The intensity that I could have with my emotions was at times scary for me to process. I also learned later that I have the tendency to react to stressful events in a trauma-driven way. Life or death, black or white.

Learning more and more things about myself and the reasons that I’ve acted the way I have for so many years is helpful. In prior self evaluations I had just thought of myself as “crazy.” Now I understand that I am damaged yes, but not crazy. There’s science behind much of what I feel and how I react. Knowing this makes life going forward look much clearer. I’ve always said that what I seek is truth, clarity, and peace in my life. The idea of being able to just relax and let life come at me slowly makes my eyes fill with tears of joy. The trail seems brighter and peace seems obtainable. As stated in the writing that I opened with, “One day you’ll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat, and maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you, and welcome you home.” I look forward to life smiling back at me. It’s something that I’ve always searched for. When that time arrives, I’ll know that I’ve truly arrived home.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Why It’s Okay to Cry: Lessons from Childhood Trauma

May 22, 2025May 22, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’m sure that there are more than a few of you out there who are familiar with the term “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” This was a popular phrase used during the years I was growing up. Subtle threats of violence were used in order to gain control of children. “If I stop this car you’re going to be sorry.” While we can read these now and perhaps snicker, there is something to this that begs for attention. Crying is defined as “the shedding of tears, weeping.” Depending on your situation, there’s often much more behind the tears, or weeping. I’ll explore this and share my view.

I was raised to keep emotions in check. The phrase “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” was more than just a phrase to me, it was reality. While my father was not one for beating kids, he had other tactics that could dig in deeper. He spoke in such a fashion that fear cut straight through your heart. You truly felt that if you uttered so much as another peep, terrible things would be unleashed upon you at any given moment. I learned to be silent. I was trained to control tears much the same way that he did when he was growing up. There was literally just a handful of times that I saw my father actually cry. He even remained a stone wall when family members passed away. He was meant to be strong, and tears were a sign of weakness to him. This too was passed on to me: Tears are for the weak. Show nothing. Feel nothing.

This made things easy when transitioning from my father’s grasp to that of a drug czar. “There are no friends in the business” along with “never trust anyone” were carryovers from the days of no crying. I never shed a tear for anyone while doing my “job” in the drug world. I felt nothing for anyone, and if I did see someone crying, it only hardened me further. In my head, they were weak and should be brushed aside. That was my reality.

Years later, once I stepped into the room with my counselor and started to explore all of the events of the past, I felt myself welling up, wanting to cry. I’d immediately stop talking and get angry because I was spilling these tears of “weakness.” I was doing so in front of another human which made it even worse because now I was vulnerable. I’d find myself trying to hide the tears, or quickly wiping them from my cheek as if they never existed. Amy would ask me why I was getting upset about crying. I’d explain that it showed my weakness, I didn’t want anyone to see that side of me. I was trained this way, and carried it through my adult life that tears were a bad thing. Occasionally I’d have moments in the shower where I’d just let everything leak out without any witnesses. Or perhaps late at night when my wife had gone to bed, I’d hide my eyes in my recliner and weep. I would sob – a thing that I wasn’t “supposed” to do.

Let me say now that this way of thinking is so very wrong. We should let children experience everything and allow emotions to be shown. Tears are a part of that and can be cleansing. I found in my therapy that more and more frequently, tears would be shed. The reason was simple: I’d come back to life! I was experiencing things that I’d never been allowed to in the past. I was crying (in public!), and my tears didn’t make me weak, they were making me whole again. I was beginning to heal. I learned that as a child I was damaged and always waiting for someone, or something to help me. I realized as an adult that it was me that I was waiting for. I think at times that I’ve become the person that I wish would’ve been there for me earlier in my life. I feel as though I’ve grown into this superhero of sorts. Standing by saying, “It’s alright to cry.” It takes time to unlearn all of the things that we learned earlier in our lives. We need to be patient and forgiving. There’s that word again, “Forgiving.” The definition of Forgiving is the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven. While I’ve always hoped others would forgive me for my transgressions, I’ve been seeking my own forgiveness for a very long time. I can feel myself sitting right on the edge of this, but not quite there. Time will have to be my friend and guide me to the forgiveness that I seek.

If you find yourself shedding tears for loss, for trauma, or perhaps just in happiness, be good with it. Feel the salty warmth of the tears run down your cheek – really feel it. Your body wants to let go of emotions. Don’t hold them in or stuff them down. You have my permission to let go – it’s alright to cry.

Thanks for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Finding Hope in Darkness

May 2, 2025May 2, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

May begins Mental Health Awareness month. I’d ask that everyone do a self evaluation this month as well as look out for those around you that are, or might be struggling. There are so many stresses in this world today, you never know when someone will reach their breaking point. There are many that suffer in silence and are just trying to get by one day at a time. This is part of my story.

I’d always appeared to be the quiet one, the shy guy that many thought had everything together. No one knew the ghosts that haunted me for so many years of my life. The demons that were following me at every turn. There were so many times that I just wanted to give up. To give into the darkness and be free of pain, fear and feeling. While there are many reasons that people struggle with mental illness, I’ve been able to pin point exactly what events and person assisted in breaking me. There are times when I see someone on the street that might be talking to themselves, or staring off into the abyss and I wonder what was the defining moment in their life that brought them to this? Was it a singular moment in time, or was it more of a slow bleed? Was there abuse of some kind, or perhaps getting lost in a haze of drug use? These are all things that I think of because I walked in that darkness. I was searching for something, for someone to find me. Hoping that I’d be saved, perhaps from myself.

I’d reached a point that so many nightmares had chewed at my sleep, so much of my happiness was being drained, that I just felt anger. I was angry at the world and myself. I walked with a daring look on my face waiting for the moment for someone to say or do the wrong thing so that I could unleash my rage. A time bomb waiting to explode. While I felt that all of this was in some fashion normal. It’s what I knew growing up. Yet it didn’t feel right. Years of hiding these feeling and searching. If it hadn’t been for the need to find a counselor for my daughter, I’m not sure that I would’ve been able to find my way out of this. Taking her to a counselor to address issues that she was having exposed me and my damage to a professional that was able to spot it. Her kind and gentle approach was something I wasn’t used to. My initial response was to be skeptical. What did she want from me? Why did she think she could help me?

Once I’d agreed to begin my journey with her, I still kept so much hidden away. It took time for me to let down the walls that I’d spent a lifetime building up to protect myself from the world and everything in it. With each session I became more at ease around her, and as time went on I began to give full disclosure to the level of depravity that I’d fallen to in my life. I showed her my brokenness only to find her reach out and tell me that she would guide me through this, that I had value, that I was worth saving. I can’t tell you how many times I cried in front of Amy, I’m certain I’ve gone through many tissues in her company. I had to become vulnerable, to not fear showing who and what I really am.

I still have moments that I struggle. Even now when I write I question myself. Thinking things like why are you writing all of this? You don’t even write very well, you don’t speak very well, you are not to be seen. These are true feeling that I have, right now. I sit and work on my book and read back through all of the things that I’ve typed and save in the computer and wonder, who if anyone would want to read this? What makes you think you’re special? At the same time I look over the events and feel shame for the things that I’ve seen and done. I tell you this because I think it might matter to someone. The struggle that I have is daily and I’ve learned to believe that I do matter and what I have to say is important. I write most of the time strictly for myself. It’s cleansing for me to put my feelings down like this. Am I a writer? Yes! I push past all the feelings that I’ve talked about each time, knowing that if it’s not perfect, that’s o.k. What I put on here is an extension of me, it’s baring my soul for all to see, so it does matter. I matter.

Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich on Pexels.com

I think many that struggle with mental health issues share a common bond. We all feel as though we’re less than. We want nothing more than to be seen and heard, to be included as part of this world. I’d like to believe that we as humans can take notice of those that struggle and offer something. It doesn’t cost you anything to be kind, that’s a great start. A smile is easy and free. Asking how someone is doing and actively listening when they speak. Take a moment out of your busy day to do things like this and you could be the one that makes a difference. Donate to shelters, volunteer your time to food pantries, support these organizations with your dollars if you have them to spare. All of this can move us forward and possibly save a life.

Photo by Download a pic Donate a buck! ^ on Pexels.com

My story is complex and ugly at times. A single person saw my struggle and turned my life around. Had I remained on my road of Silence and Secrets, I fear I would’ve given up at some point. Please, hear my words and be the reason that someone decides to keep getting up each day. Be the change in someone’s world. While May is Mental Health Awareness Month, remember that for many out there, every month is awareness, every day and minute.

I’m here if ever needed. I’ll listen to your story, and do what I can to validate your feelings. Stay strong!

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Empathy Over Exclusivity: My Perspective

May 2, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I took some much needed vacation recently and headed West. The California coastline is a favorite for my wife and I. The seemingly endless beauty that the state has to offer is a calling to my restless soul. I found myself sleeping better, enjoying the many sights and sounds, along with dreaming of a way to stay there forever. Reality sets in when you wander the neighborhoods and see the fliers that are curbside with homes that are on the market. Millions of dollars just for the asking price and then you have to consider the inflated costs of maintaining said properties. It’s fair to say that this particular area of the West coast offers everything, but only to the chosen few that have the means to support such beauty.

Why is it that the most beautiful places on earth are only for the wealthiest? Don’t get me wrong, I find beauty in many of the areas that I frequent in my own part of the country, and I find ways to enjoy things with little to no cost to them. Keeping things “exclusive” is a way to keep others away. Those that might drive the fanciest cars, or wear the finest jewelry. People that use coupons and think through their routes based on how to conserve gas because of the rising cost. It seems that in this country there’s a price to pay for anything. I’ve always felt this way because I learned in my prior life that “Nothing in this world is free.”

While planning this trip, I decided at the last minute to upgrade our flights to first class. This was the second time in my entire life that I went the extra mile and paid more for a ticket to fly. Why you ask? Because I wanted to see how the “others” live. I wanted to experience having just two seats side by side with easy reclining to them, rather than three jammed tightly together and my knees bruised by the end of a flight because the person in front of me decided to recline. I wanted to experience the extras that are given to those who can afford to pay for them. The extra service, food, and luxury. Having my bags fly and tagged as “priority”, with no extra costs. (although it’s included in your ticket cost) Being guided to the front of the line when entering the plane and looked upon as if royalty. While on one hand it was an amazing experience, I couldn’t help but think, “I don’t belong here.” I’m just an average human that struggles like everyone else to get through life. It’s not because I don’t work hard, nor is it because I’m lazy. Some parts of this world are just roped off to the chosen few. I’ll explain further.

We visited a cute little town in the upper part of Michigan. One of the things that my wife and I like to do is walk about and see what the town looks like. I like to explore areas that have unique architecture and take notice of old world neighborhoods. In this particular town, we wandered into an area that had a gate of sorts. It wasn’t blocking you from coming in, but it was stated clearly by signs everywhere that not everyone was welcome. There were even signs telling you to stay on sidewalks and don’t venture anywhere else. We decided to walk through the area because you could see from a distance that the homes were spectacular and unique. As we walked through the area, you could feel the prying eyes watching your every move. You knew that you were an “outsider” and not welcomed. The perfect lawns, sculptured hedges and multiple high end vehicles in the drives were setting the tone of who could be there. The area, while beautiful became ugly in my mind just because of the feel that it had. The true ugliness that it carried on it’s perfect streets. We moved on after just a short stroll through.

This is something that I’ve experienced throughout my life. A poor kid that grew up shopping at the local A&P store, mixing up powdered milk when there wasn’t enough regular milk to get by on. A kid that found his way into the underworld, guided by people that promised a better life, food to eat, power through threats, and strength through intimidation. When I tried my best to get away from this life, I found that the world was still not very welcoming. I was judged by my zip code, by the school that I went to, and the lack of the best clothing. I made it a personal fight to prove those that would hold me back that I was just as good as them, perhaps better. Nothing had ever been handed to me, I struggled for everything. I appreciated any small amount of money that I could squirrel away. I toiled over second rate vehicles time and time again so that they shined like new money. Again, I appreciated everything.

I’m not saying all of this because I hate anyone that was born into a world of privilege. It’s not their fault that they were given things that I could only dream about as a kid. What I take issue with is that as they grow, they don’t notice those that do have to struggle. They’re comfortable sitting in that first class seat and looking down at the others that have to shuffle by and squeezed together in discomfort. I find fault in people raising these children to become adults that are good with glaring at others they feel don’t belong in their neighborhood, or gating them out so that they can’t share the beauty of their town. The beauty of this world was meant to be shared, it’s not just for the chosen few. I take some comfort in knowing that while many of these families might have everything beautiful around them in a physical sense, they don’t have what the rest of us hold onto dearly. We have empathy. We see others in this world and want to share the beauty and joy that it offers. We strive to bring others up that struggle rather than walking past them in some kind of ignorant bliss.

First class might offer more room, a better meal and standing at the front of the line, but the journey was still the same. I still would’ve made it to my destination, I’m good with bringing my own snacks. I don’t mind being with my people. We are many. The kid that always felt like he belonged on the outside of the beautiful has found a way in. It was a struggle, it was a learning experience, and it was hard, but I appreciate all of it that much more. There was a time that I felt like I’d sold my soul to stay alive, yet I persevered. I’m good with using coupons and not having the best of everything. I’ve become comfortable in my own skin. While it makes me sad that there are still so many parts of the world that are held out of reach to myself and others, I don’t feel that I’m lacking. I loved my trip, my vacation, my time with my bride. I enjoyed our experiences, our sights, and our memories. When all is said and done, I think that I’m the richest one. There is no holding me back, no roping me off, I’ll find beauty wherever I may roam.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Transforming Empathy: A Journey from Selfishness to Compassion

April 19, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

When does something matter to you? Are you the type of person who focuses solely on yourself, and maybe your immediate family? Perhaps you’re the kind of person who looks at things on a broader scale and has empathy for those around you. I’m always curious about what others think and feel, that’s why I’m asking. When I was younger and around drug dealers and street thugs, I found that none of them cared about anything outside of their own being. I kind of slid into that way of thinking because I was so focused on just surviving. As I’ve progressed through my life, my thoughts progressed as well, so let’s explore that.

Being in the business and watching my “boss” make loads of cash with all the freedoms in the world, it was appealing, especially to a very young teen who hadn’t had a chance to really get a view of the world. I knew of nothing other than a very closed group. Life didn’t exist outside of that bubble. It was so bleak that I never felt that I’d live past the age of 30. I was all about the here and now, the instant gratification, the quick buck! What I found was once my eyes and ears opened to some people who came into my life, I began to realize just how big the world really was. I began to see things from a new and exciting perspective. While it didn’t sit well with my boss, and believe me, he tried with all of his might to keep me held back, under the iron fist. It was only a matter of time before I broke free of this closed minded thinking.

I’ve been writing about this in my upcoming book and how I started to “transform.” It would take many years to really break out of the shell that I’d created, but my thinking was always open to possibilities. I went from thinking that I was nothing, to believing that I could do anything. While I kept all of my secrets about my “prior life”, I still managed to keep an open mind. Talking to others, learning about what their fears were, what they might have gone through in their lives, and how they struggled. So much of the suffering that went on and still goes on is so preventable. Losing yourself in the shadow of another is what happened to me. I’d lost myself, become a non-entity who had very few feelings for others. I spent my time building an empire for someone who had me believing it meant something, that I was special. Mobster mentality if you will. You are meant to serve the powers at the top without question.

In these times of uncertainty and struggle, I find myself reflecting on what I’ve seen and gone through and likening it to the times that are before us now. This in turn makes me look at people around me once again and raise the question, “Does anyone even care?” Have we as a society lost our way, and possibly our soul?

I was mowing my lawn yesterday and my neighbor pulled into his driveway. He hassled me about mowing my lawn and thus “forcing” him to do his in order to keep up. We both chuckled and then had further discussion about things going on in his life. His wife was in the hospital again and he was having issues with his knee. He was still smiling and saying how he wished things would be better so that they could travel but had started to believe that would probably never happen due to health issues. It was a moment of pause for me. I’m still healthy enough to do as I wish and travel freely. I felt something right there and then for his situation. What could I do to show that I cared? Well, I started up my mower and began mowing his lawn. He didn’t ask me to do it, or even ask for help. I made the choice that was clear to me. It was the right thing to do. I felt for this man and just wanted to show that I cared. It didn’t take much time and when he walked out and found the lawn mowed, he smiled from ear to ear. He asked why I’d done this. I simply replied “because I wanted to.” He then said, “you didn’t have to do that, but I appreciate it.” There was nothing more that needed to be said. This is what humans are supposed to do, it’s what we’re supposed to be like. It doesn’t take much to apply what someone else is going through to your own thoughts and then offer help. Step outside of your bubble and experience things as others might. It’s why I always try to be kind to people who are perhaps having a rough go of it. It costs nothing to be kind. A smile or acknowledgment of someone can go a long way.

I don’t have all the answers to the world’s problems, but I do care about how we humans continue to form our society. I’d like to believe that there are enough of us out there that we can see through the eyes of others, feel their strife and possibly do something about it. So, then we get back to my original question that I posed: What kind of person are you? Think it through. Ask yourself what kind of world you want to live in. Are you happy? Do you feel anything for others in this world? I once was cold and the way I viewed the world was sad, unforgiving, full of hate and greed. I’ve worked hard to clear that away and see everything, and everyone. I remain hopeful that we can all find our way through in the coming years. If we can’t, our future is bleak, and uncertain. What are you willing to do about it?

As seen through the eyes of Zombie, and now Robert.

Thank you so much for following me on my journey,

~Robert~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

mental-health

Witnessing Life: Reflections on Growth and Healing

Seeking peace

Pushing the negative aside

The cost of silence/Finding your voice

The Connection Between Self-Esteem and Personal Value

Understanding Emotional Healing: The Science of Music

Why It’s Okay to Cry: Lessons from Childhood Trauma

Finding Hope in Darkness

Empathy Over Exclusivity: My Perspective

Transforming Empathy: A Journey from Selfishness to Compassion