mental-health

Not all days are bad.

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If you’ve been reading and following my journey lately, you may feel as though I’m sliding downward, or things are out of control. Let me reassure you that I’m a work in progress and yes, there will be tough days, but not all days are bad.

Understand that mental health is an ebb and flow kind of thing. You can ride the highs of great events, time spent with loved ones and just being alive. There’s also the challenges of stress brought about by work, family life, relationships, or brought about by triggers. (In general, when a person is “triggered,” they’re being provoked by a stimulus that awakens or worsens the symptoms of a traumatic event or mental health condition.) I felt the need to add that so that everyone understands when I say triggered, you have some kind of baseline definition. Triggered events are the toughest for me. I don’t know what can bring them on. Sometimes I have no idea why something is upsetting me so much. When this happens, and I have a moment of feeling lost, alone or worst of all rage, I reach out and ask for guidance. While I’m lucky enough to have someone in my “corner” that is a trained professional. There are other avenues that I’d highly recommend to others. Al Anon is a wonderful organization and they hold meetings on a regular basis pretty much in all communities. They’re free and even if you don’t have issues related to alcohol, you’ll find good information in those rooms. This too can help you from feeling all alone.

“Healing begins at the end of resistance and the beginning of surrender.” I found this today on social media and wow did it grab me! When we take the initiative to lower our guard and stop resisting, to surrender, we can find peace. I’ve experienced this on so many levels, that I really felt this quote. Sometimes it’s the simplest sayings, memes, quotes that can make the biggest difference in your mood. It can boost you up and make you feel “normal” again.

The power of writing, reading and music. These things are truly my safeguards. Being able to sit in front of the computer and just pound away on my keyboard is so therapeutic. I’ve found that my brain works in such a way that I need the keyboard to be able to keep up with my thoughts. Yes, I’m a skilled typist. (Thank you Waite High School). I can throw things down and purge them from my brain, good, bad or indifferent. I also recommend writing or journaling things. You can keep them all to yourself, share with others, or write them out and then burn them. I know of many that find that as a way of closure. Reading self help books and poetry can do wonders. Add some great music to any of the above and just wow! I’m currently sitting in front of the computer and listening to scores from movies, one of my most favorite types of music. I bet you’d never guess that!

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I want my post to always be thought provoking and hopefully not to much for people to handle. I don’t want to hurt anyone. My time for doing that is behind me now, it’s time for a new chapter in my life. One of forgiveness and healing. I find tears start just by saying this out loud. It takes me right back to a moment sitting with my counselor and her asking me “Robert, when are you going to forgive yourself?” I exploded into tears when she asked me because that was a question I’ve never been able to answer. I’ve held myself accountable for so many things for so long, it just became a part of me. I never thought that I was worthy of being forgiven. Like I said, I’m a work in progress.

I hope that you have a better understanding of humans by reading through my blogs. As a studier of humans in general, I seek to point out things that are both good and rewarding. As I stated at the start and with my title, Not all days are bad. I’ll add to that, not all people are bad. There is a path forward, just seek it. I’ve always been jealous of my wife’s ability to see things from a different perspective. I can be in the throws of rage and she’ll say something that sparks a different thought, which carries into a different reaction, and slows me back down. I don’t think that I thank her enough for talking me off so many ledges over the years. It takes a special kind of person to handle me. Thank you Karla Jean.

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In closing; I just want to say that today is a better day. I’ll keep writing, reading and listening to my music. I’ll keep seeing my counselor until we both feel that I’m back on the right track and able to go it alone. When I say alone, I don’t really mean it. I know that there are those out there that will always have my back and my best interest in mind. While I remain slightly broken, I’m good today, and sometimes that’s good enough.

As always, thanks for reading, I’m honored that you all take the time.

I’ll see you on the road.

~Zombie~

Silence and Secrets

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I went on walkabout today through some of my usual areas, added a few new ones along the way to keep my brain entertained. My sister by my side and a beautiful day on tap, it looked to be great! We chat about all aspects of our lives along with some of the nuggets we caught on the news. Being that I’d gone to see my counselor the other day, we kind of go over what was discussed and of course any “homework” that I may have to complete.

If I’ve not mentioned this before, going to see someone and talking through things also means that you need to do “the work.” You can’t just stroll into an office, sit on a couch and tell all your tails, and then expect for them to pull out the magic wand and make everything wonderful. It’s just not like that. While I have sat down on a very comfortable couch and unloaded all kinds of “stuff”, I’m challenged. It’s a good thing. The idea of seeing someone is to retrain your brain to stop thinking the same way. To alter the route of your internal GPS! In my case, it also means that you need to find out the reasons for behaviors, or things that cause you mental pain. I’ve learned, it’s not always what I’ve thought was the cause. There are many layers and some take time to bring to the surface.

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I want to take this moment and just say that I do these blogs #1 because I’m finding that putting it out here seems to be a form of cleansing. Some might think that it’s “too much information”, or they feel it’s not appropriate to discuss. Yes, I’ve run into that kind of feedback for things I’ve shared. I also do this hoping that it reaches someone else. Maybe someone that’s gone through similar life stories, or perhaps even worse. I’ve certainly heard my share of horror stories from others that in a way, has helped me to. Sharing of painful events with others makes you feel less alone. At one point in my life I thought it best to keep everything to myself and never discuss my life. Someone would judge me and that would of course make my rage even worse. We have a problem in the country with casting people aside just because they’re hurt or broken, and it’s not right.

Secrets and Silence. This is truly something that comes to mind when I think of how I was raised. We weren’t meant to speak our minds or share our feelings, that’s dirty. Secrets were meant to be kept among only a select few. “Why would you want to put your dirty laundry out there for all to know?” I’m betting there’s a few of you right now that have heard that phrase, or one much the same. Some of the most awful things can happen and yet, we’re meant to never speak a word.

In my “past life” I was trained to be a watcher, to not speak, but to listen. I would see things that would disgust me, yet I was to keep it a secret. Never tell, never snitch, or pay the price. I tend to dance around this part of my life still. I’m working on bringing all of it out and sharing it with more than just my closest pack. There are parts of my life that I’m not proud of, but I survived. It took years to finally discuss openly with family members some of the things that went on in my world. Secrets run deep and they change you. It’s as though it’s a form of rot that just builds up inside of your body. Talking about it, while painful, is the way to cleanse the rot. To purge the system.

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I’m learning that my story is unfortunately not rare. That others walking about have much worse things still left unkept inside of them. It’s as though I can almost hear the pain when they talk, or feel what they’re feeling when they too dance around the truth. Silence and Secrets is everywhere, and it needs to change. The hurt that people hold takes away from their true self. The inner beauty that was meant to be shared from the start. It’s as if the soul is gone and their eyes show the emptiness that’s been left behind. I wish that I wasn’t able to see or hear these things. I wish others would look for ways to find themselves again. We can’t turn back time, we can’t make all of the bad people that have floated in and out of our lives disappear. We can however claim our soul back! Don’t let the demons win here.

I’ve started this topic, this particular subject on so many occasions and could never finish. I’ve walked away from this computer so many times, unable to really put down what I felt, what I see, how I feel. It’s raw, it’s real, and there’s no shame in feeling the way I do. This I know. I’m again hoping that right now someone reads through this and says I do feel this way and I don’t want to hold onto the Silence and Secrets any longer. I want to have my light, and my soul again. It’s not crazy, none of us are crazy. We’re just damaged and that to is alright. To say that “it’s o.k. to not be o.k.” should be understood in society and embraced. It doesn’t make you bad, it just means that you hurt right now. I’d like to dig deeper into where everything went wrong on mental health. Perhaps I’ll touch on that in another blog.

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I’ll close this out by saying thank you for all that read these. I love it when people want to discuss things I write about, or share their insight. Conversation is a good thing and getting to know people like myself that are damaged, you’ll find we still have value. I have the saying on my latest Road I.D. that I wear on my Garmin every day. It says “Broken crayons still color.” I love that. I may be broken but I still have so much to offer. If you’re willing to let go of the Silence, or finally share the Secrets, I promise you there will be relief. You may be broken, but you can still color, and color you will!

Thank you again for being a part of the Zombie File.

I’ll see you on the road

~Zombie~

You are enough, your voice matters

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You are enough. Your voice matters. This is something that I need to remind myself on a daily basis. I’ve found myself in kind of an old familiar place of late. Numerous events in my life brought about feelings of old, and along with those feelings, the desire to handle events in a darker fashion. The world that I grew up in was just that way. There is a certain “comfort” to maintaining a way of doing things. Routines are comfortable for most of us. The problem with this particular routine is that it’s not healthy, nor is it good for my future.

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Lately it’s been the “Perfect Storm” for me. A combination of work stresses, dealings with contractors, and the arrival of an unwelcome person outside of my core “family” members all seemed to show up at the same time. I’ve worked long and hard to handle all of these kinds of situations, but suddenly found myself drowning in self-doubt, anxiety, and worst of all, hostility. Hostility in my mind turns to violence. That has been my comfort zone for a good part of my life. No, this is not a thing that I’m proud of, it’s just a fact and a part of who I am. If someone wronged me, they were handled. It seemed clean and quiet. I had no feelings for the other person(s) involved. It was business.

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At this point in my life, I’ve grown much and, again, work hard to see things from a different perspective. I surround myself with more positive people, remind myself of everything that is good in my life and do the best I can to be a good human. Everything seemed to be going along almost as if I was on cruise control. Work life, home life – I was good. Then the beginning of the storm came.

Work stress. We all have it. Some things seem simple enough and I truly believe in going in, doing my job and leaving. I want nothing more. I do however believe that if you show up at work, you work. This standard is for everyone involved from the very top to the last person on the list. When that doesn’t happen, it doesn’t sit well with me. I’ll leave that there.

Contractors. We recently had a large company send out a team to mark up everyone’s yards in our neighborhood so that they could prepare to put new wires underground. The lead up to it was less than coordinated. One day we had like 30 trucks just converge on our streets and guys going all over spray painting everyone’s grass and throwing flags down. Most of the workers were reluctant to give information as to what they were setting up for, so it made everyone in the neighborhood a touch edgy. It turns out they were the first part of several groups that would come into the area to begin a project of burying cables underground. Once the spray painting was completed, the next group arrived with shovels and machinery. Now I was getting nervous. By the second day, there was a group in my backyard digging 3 holes that were up to their shoulders deep. O.K., now I’m ready to flip out! I asked the guys digging what was going on and none of them spoke English. I’m pretty handy with my Google translator, but didn’t have my phone on me and to be honest, I was too worked up to even think of it. I finally found what appeared to be a supervisor. I began asking questions as to why they were digging up my yard and why I wasn’t advised. This conversation went south in a hurry. He was dismissive, rude and mildly confrontational. (Here comes the old me!) In a quiet voice, I explained that no one steps foot onto my property without some form of invitation, period. I won’t go into everything that was said, (legal reasons) but when I was through, he never came close to my home again. I contacted the city after this episode and was told it was AT&T putting new cables in and they had easement rights. The layout of my neighborhood was sent to me and basically my entire backyard is an easement! This is where the feelings of being voided out, looked past, ignored, all of it come rushing to the surface. I was on fire, an out of control fire! It became so bad that I couldn’t talk, and if I did it was to mutter a few incoherent words or cussing. I needed help and fast!

On the same day that this was all happening, my wife shared that a “relative” was coming into town. This particular individual sets off pretty much every sensor that I have. He reeks of people I’ve seen and dealt with for the better part of my life, and I wasn’t ready for this. Not now, not with everything happening.

I have a very protective nature towards people in my circle. I look at them as though they’re an extension of myself. If I feel that someone in this circle is at risk, I want to eliminate the risk, quickly and quietly. This “relative” was definitely on my radar and, in my mind, viewed as a threat. I had several discussions with other family members and stated my concerns and asked that we all band together to maintain a frontline of protection for those I felt could be harmed. By this time I was just reeling. I’d reached a point that I was in full shut down for fear I was going to lose control. I had to reach out and ask for help. I needed to get things back under control and find out how this happened to me.

I was able to get in to see my counselor and it was decided that the overwhelming number of “triggers” hit me at the same time. “The Perfect Storm”. The bigger question was where did all of this anger come from? What is it within me that was causing so much damage? That is the big question, for which at the time of this writing, I don’t have an answer. More digging into my stored memories/events will surely bring about the reasons for this happening. I’m always a little nervous looking back on things. There are some memories that you don’t want to revisit. Painful things that have formed me into who I am. I just keep telling myself that I’m worth it, I want feel good again.

“You are enough, your voice matters”. It’s important to me to hold this. It’s important to all of us to feel like we’re enough and that our voice matters. Often times we can be dismissed by even the closest people to us. Maybe not intentionally, but it can happen. If you carry things or harbor darkness, it can turn into something even uglier, quickly. Trust me on this.

My counselor knows me well and how to deal with me when I’m hypervigilant. The most calming thing that she said was, “Robert, look at me, you are going to be alright”. I believe her because she’s helped me get there before. I am enough and my voice matters.

I stated before that not all of my blog postings would be warm and fuzzy. Life is messy, and some of us out there carry things that at times are just too heavy. It’s alright to say that. It’s alright to reach out to someone and say “I need help. I can’t do this by myself”. Isolation, while it may seem like a good response for these kind of events, is totally the wrong answer. I’ll quote a good friend here, “Stay out of your head, it’s a bad neighborhood.” True story. Some neighborhoods are so bad we need to be guided through them, and that too is alright.

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If you suffer from any kind of trauma, or have “unkept” items rolling around inside of you. Do me a favor, reach out, ask for help. Seek the assistance from someone that has the knowledge and wisdom to guide you through that bad neighborhood. It will work out better in the end. I know, I’ve been to that dark edge and it’s not a good place to be. Remember, You are enough, your voice matters.

I’ll see you on the road…

~Zombie~

Let’s talk about Mental Health

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Hey there all. I talk all the time about my running, walking, working out etc. I’ve touched on things that move, or drive me to do these things. Let’s dive deeper into mental health. This always seem to be a taboo topic and people cringe when it’s brought up. I can’t think of anything more important than the very things floating around inside of your head. This is where you live, every day! It can be good at times and also very toxic. There are many factors that make up what goes on inside the brain. Let’s start there. This is my story.

Your upbringing and social environment develop boundaries inside of you, or lack thereof. I was raised by parents that were very loving at times, yet also emotionally distant. I don’t fault them for this, they did the best they could with what they were dealt in life. My Father was a true tough guy. He was quiet most of the time and never raised his voice, however, he had a way about him that would strike fear straight to your very soul. When he spoke to me, it was up close to my face, and quiet. The whole time he would have one hand on me. That hand would squeeze into my trap/shoulder area based on how mad he was at the time. I learned early that in order to keep the pain level down, you shouldn’t upset him. I had a great deal of respect and fear for the man my entire life. He also raised me to not show emotions. Crying was not an accepted practice, and showing emotions was being weak. This, along with the “take no shit from anyone” mentality formed me into a quiet monster of sorts.

My Mother was very passive and quiet. She had her own demons, but was intelligent and much softer than my Father. There were times we had great conversations, then moments with long periods of not speaking at all. Confusion between the two styles of parenting brought about the need for something else, something more that was missing. This fueled years of misguided anger and poor life choices.

God, when I reflect back now, I wonder how I’ve made it this far. I keep saying that I’ll write a book about all of the different destructive ways I wandered to ease my restless soul. Along with way of life, you have to add my environment that I grew up in. Poor area, with mixed middle class families and areas of poverty. Hunger was something that I speak of often when discussing my past. The feeling of not having enough food, or being cold brought about the desire to just survive. By any means possible.

“You are a reflection of your environment.” I attached to this idea and wore it with pride. Fighting the system and looking for ways to make my life better. Attaching to people that were professionals at “grooming” impressionable kids. I’ll just say that I learned from some very hardened criminals how to view the world. I became a voyeur of humans. My job was to study, to pay attention and exploit weakness. Reflecting back to what I was told by my Father, show no emotions, never cry.

Moving forward, I reached a crossroads of sorts. There was something in my make-up that didn’t want to continue down the path I was on, something didn’t feel right. Yet there was comfort in all of it, familiarity. I decided to break away. I still had the twisted thoughts and hardness, but had reached a point that I felt I could move on and become healthy. I was wrong. While I started to do better in my life, mostly brought about by my running, I still had those built in demons. The demons were strong enough that they caused me to have reoccurring nightmares for a good portion of my adult life. What else could I do, I was living better, working hard, making a good living. Something was still missing and I found myself seeking yet again.

The start of the turn around came by way of going to Al-Anon. I’d had several run ins through life with alcoholics. This drove me to find refuge in rooms with people that experienced similar things as myself. Once I was there, I felt at ease. I felt the kinship of others that understood. It was a good start, but there was still deeply rooted things that required more. I reached out to a good friend that had become a counselor. She gave me the tools to search for someone local. What to look for in a counselor/therapist and gave me the courage to make the step into looking through my past with guidance.

I’ve been with this counselor for numerous years now and it’s safe to say that she’s helped me to work through things that I never thought would be possible. Trust me when I say it’s not a magic pill, or a one and done session. This required work, hard work, facing things that I really didn’t want to ever face again. To discuss hard topics and learn to adjust the very way I view the world as a whole. Never judging, and always careful with where she’d take me mentally. There were times that after a session I would go home and just collapse in exhaustion. This gave me a new perspective on how important our mental health is. Prior to getting help, it changed my sleep patterns, my ability to form relationships, everything! Literally everything began to change with time and my overall health improved, I was now alive!

I’ve struggled for a very long time and kept so much of this from everyone. Something else I learned was very wrong. Some of the hardest conversations were with the person that I love the most in this world, my wife Karla. I was so terrified that once I told her who and what I was, what I’d been through, she’d never want to be with me. I was wrong. She too understands the importance of mental health and reminded me that “the man you are today is who I love, not the boy that struggled”. She’s proud of what I’ve become and that in turn has made me want to reach out to others. To let them know that there is a way out. There can be a brighter tomorrow. You don’t have to struggle or hide your feelings. Share them, work through them, be seen and heard. Isn’t that what we all really want in this world? To be seen, to be heard. When I think back to my childhood, it’s all that I was ever really looking for from my parents. To be seen and heard. To have my feelings validated. I’m good now, and I hold no ill feelings towards my parents at all. They tried their best. If anything, I feel sad that they didn’t have the opportunity to make things right with their mental health. Somewhere they lost their validation in the world.

So please, take the time to take care of you. Don’t perpetuate a cycle that can be corrected. I see you, and I hear you.

Thanks for reading,

~Zombie~