Releasing Demons

August 19, 2025August 19, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

On my morning walkabout yesterday I was going through some of my favorite bands and songs on my playlist. I happened upon a song that has always been the full package for me. It’s loud, powerful and is delivered with serious passion. The band is Godsmack. The song in question is “Releasing the Demons.” I think by now we all know that this has been my desire. The releasing of all that has sat deep inside of me. The very idea of getting everything that’s tortured me out sounds blissful.

Once again it reminds me that my story is one that is shared by many. The lyrics are such that I felt I’d been the one to sit down and pen them out. Many of the same feelings are carefully played out throughout this excellent piece of music. They take me through all that I’ve seen and experienced on a fast track. The brain feels like it’s on a bullet train and you’re viewing life through the windows. I connect this way to my music.

I’m sure that many of you have “special” songs. You find yourself throwing them on repeat for what feels like an endless number of times. If a song strikes a chord in you, it’s as though you never want it to end. Great music can be that bond we want to feel with so many parts of our lives. To hear someone else tell your story makes you feel seen, special and connected. When I’m having tough, or darker days, it’s especially helpful to turn on a song like that. You feel the music and the lyrics lift you up. Strength starts to pulse within you once again. You can get so caught up in that moment that you might find yourself yelling out loud… “Yeah!”

I’ve found myself in kind of a strange spot of late. A few things have changed in my space that have me working harder to hold the line. I know that life will forever ebb and flow. I do my best to roll with it. I adjust accordingly so that I can hold on to the ground that I’ve gained. Old ways that are so familiar and comfortable try to creep in when life is hard. People that I deal with make me want to internally wall back up. Frustration can turn to rage when not kept in check.

I was frustrated. I attempted to write the other day. However, the AI assistant blocked my blog. I read through it several times questioning what was wrong. There was no profanity. The subject matter was not even harsh. I did my best to rewrite things that I thought might be holding it back, but nothing worked. The end result was a lot of cussing and finally just deleting the entire piece of work. This was one of the reasons that I started wanting to write my book. I want to be able to say exactly what I want to say. I don’t want someone, or something to tell me what I can say. I know my life. I know what my feelings are and how I want to express them. To be censored on anything is just wrong. The end result was to take those feelings and attempt to redirect them in a positive direction. I chose to exorcise “the demons.”

Where do I go from here? There are many things that I hope to eventually tell all of you. If it ends up all just going into the book, then so be it. I’ll do my best to dance around the AI on here and hope to get as much out as possible. Some of the things that have changed will be discussed with my counselor. I can just tell you that I’m not yet fully clear of some of the people from my past. I’m trying to find a way through this. Which leads me back to the original song that I spoke of. “Releasing the Demons” I need to keep pushing and searching for that light, that peace. Every time the old feelings of guilt crawl back in, or regret for the sins committed… I have to release myself from all of it.

While this may seem on the darker side. I want you all to know that I still remain positive about my progress. I know that I have a strong base of humans to guide me. I also know when it’s time to pick up the phone and ask for help. My counselor knows how to do just that. For that, I’m grateful. I’ll keep writing and sharing. Sharing my steps, and missteps is good for me. Hopefully someone else can learn from this as well. Sharing and thinking that my experiences might help someone else is part of my recovery.

I’ve attached the lyrics for the song “Releasing the Demons” by the band Godsmack below.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

GODSMACK
Miscellaneous
Release The Demons
What do you see in the dark
when the demons come for you

If only you could have seen
how fucked up my life used to be
then everything starts to change
supposedly healing my pain
I never thought I’d feel this way
I never thought that I’d see a day
I’d run away from anything or anywhere or anyone
Its all these demons haunting me
Its all these little things trapped inside of me
Releasing me from all my sin
Its taken me all my anger
And taken me all of my hate
To learn how my life came together
Releasing the demons again

And now I look through my minds eye
And see where my past needs to rest
Its always disturbed by these voices
That echo inside of my head
Another way that I can hide
Another reason to crawl inside and get away
from everything and everywhere and everyone
NO!
Its all these demons haunting me
Its all these little things trapped inside of me
Releasing me from all my sin

Its taken me all my anger
And taken me all of my hate
To learn how my life came together
Releasing the demons……again

Facin the days as I grow into my own
Loving and hatings the same
And three-fold I told you
it comes back with laughter
Over and over again
Its coming back

Its taken me all my anger
And taken me all of my hate
To learn how my life came together
Releasing the demons again

Understanding Emotional Healing: The Science of Music

June 19, 2025June 19, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’d like to start out my blog today by sharing a piece by R.M. Drake:

“One day you’ll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat, and maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you, and welcome you home.”

I’ve been on here many times throwing so much of my life out there, that I’m sure at times people wonder “will he ever get better?” There have been many blogs that have covered darkness and despair. They were necessary. I had to put things in writing in order to face all of it and understand what part I played in all of it. I had to read through my own work and make a decision on whether I wanted to remain in my secluded world, or break free and experience life on different terms. Yes, there are many bad things that I’ve done and that have happened to me. Yes, I’m damaged inside and outside from all of it. Yes, I’m broken, but I’ve never given up on the hope that I could be better. Even when life was at it’s toughest, I looked for a way forward. That glimmer of light that I could follow and use to find my way to the surface.

Earlier in life I was closed off from my entire family. I’d found a way to seal off everything. This was done for the protection of both them and myself. I had to learn to have no feelings, or at least make it look on the surface as if I had none. Feelings were a way for the “others” to find their way in and bring harm to you. If I were to have told anyone in my family all of the things that were going on, they would surely have been harmed. I’m certain that I would have met with my own demise as well. While all of this was going on and I was locked away from everything, I was still seeking that light. Music became my escape from pain. At times when I felt like I was going to explode internally, I turned to music to find a way through. So many times I was able to push through the pain and continue to survive.

If you spend any time around me now, you’ll probably hear some kind of music playing in the background. I have it on now while I’m doing this blog, and I have it on while I’ve been writing my book. You can hear music while I do housework, clean cars or any of the many activities that I perform throughout the day. Music keeps me going. Some of it just has to do with the way it sounds. Then there are the songs that you swear the artist knew exactly what you were feeling when they wrote the song. You associate with the song and it somehow becomes a part of you. I’ve used music to survive and continue to use it in my healing process. It’s safe to say that it’s a necessity in my life.

There is an actual name for when you get chills, or goosebumps from listening to music. It’s known as frisson. Here is some interesting information about the music and brain connection from Science Times.

“What happens to your brain when you get chills:

The study suggests that the denser fiber in the brain means that the auditory and emotion-processing areas of the brain of those who get chills are better able to communicate with each other, thus the stronger reaction they have to what is called musical stimuli. Sachs also concluded in his study that those who get the chills have a higher tendency to experience more intense emotions than those people who do not feel anything while listening to music.”

This helps me to understand myself a little better. I’ve always felt that my brain was hyperactive anyway, and to find that an actual brain/music connection has been proven scientifically is a game changer. The intensity that I could have with my emotions was at times scary for me to process. I also learned later that I have the tendency to react to stressful events in a trauma-driven way. Life or death, black or white.

Learning more and more things about myself and the reasons that I’ve acted the way I have for so many years is helpful. In prior self evaluations I had just thought of myself as “crazy.” Now I understand that I am damaged yes, but not crazy. There’s science behind much of what I feel and how I react. Knowing this makes life going forward look much clearer. I’ve always said that what I seek is truth, clarity, and peace in my life. The idea of being able to just relax and let life come at me slowly makes my eyes fill with tears of joy. The trail seems brighter and peace seems obtainable. As stated in the writing that I opened with, “One day you’ll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat, and maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you, and welcome you home.” I look forward to life smiling back at me. It’s something that I’ve always searched for. When that time arrives, I’ll know that I’ve truly arrived home.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Music Activates The Soul

February 19, 2025February 19, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I had to step away from writing the book and switch to something that would ground me again. A feel good of sorts, so I’m back on my blog doing what I do. Music, sweet music! The entire time that I’m writing, be it on here doing my blogging, or writing pages in the book, music is a must in the background. I’ve even made reference in the book to how I learned to slip away in my music at times when I was feeling trapped or alone. Being that there was so much that I had to carry silently, it was a great escape for me. Soothing voices, happy tunes, or just grinding riffs from heavy metal music, they were all a huge part of my life. I think that I had a closer relationship with music than I did with any human for a good portion of my life.

I’m certain that if I asked any of you right now to tell me some of your favorite songs, you could then equate them to a moment in time that was relevant in your life. Music and lyrics are so powerful! It has always made me wonder if I was in sync with some of these bands, or singers through different stages of my life. When so many other things weren’t making sense, music always did. When you needed something to pick you up, music was there. If you needed to rage with anger, yeah, music was there for that as well. There is music for every single human emotion, and I’m here for it!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

This particular section of the book that I was just working on went through a time when I’d realized just how screwed I was. How trapped, unable to tell anyone anything. It was that first night that I went home and lost myself in music. It changed the relationship that I had with music forever. I would now look to music to pull me through so many dark times. Does it sound extreme? Perhaps, but for those that have gone through shit in their life, I’m thinking they can relate, and I can’t be the only one on the planet that has delved deep into music to either find yourself, or lose yourself. The power of music can take you anywhere you want to be transported.

Certain songs can immediately give me the exact feelings of whatever was happening when I was first listening to it. There is music that both of my parents listened to that I truly enjoyed. I still listen to some of the music that they played either in their vehicles or around the house. My mother’s tastes were surprising at times and I loved to play some of the latest songs by artists that she enjoyed. Music is a good way to connect to others. I formed an excellent relationship with my son because of our love for music. We still discuss or shoot different songs back and forth that are on our play lists or something that just came out. Same with my sisters. I was having a discussion today with Leanna about the band Alice In Chains. I discussed the sad history of the lead singer and how he’d lost his life to drugs. Yet the band has survived all of it and went on with another singer to sound amazingly the same. Makes me wonder where they could have gone had drugs not wrecked his life. Same thing goes for so many singers that I enjoy. It may shock some of you but I’ve been a George Michael fan for many years. His lyrics are much deeper than most would know. His pop days with Wham were hit and miss, but as he aged, the lyrics spoke to me in numerous songs. The hidden gem of a CD by him is called “OLDER.” Listen to the song “Strangest Thing” and give me your thoughts. It has a haunting melody to it and the lyrics are heavy. His entire album “Listen without Prejudice” is also a work of art. He was a tortured soul throughout his adult life, and it spilled over into his music.

I’ve made references to the band 10 years on here before. There are several songs that they wrote that just reached right inside of me. I felt that I was asked to describe my feelings and they were turned into music. Just amazing! The songs “Fix Me” and “Waking up the Ghosts” are spot fucking on! Here’s another one…the band is Papa Roach and the song is “Leave a light on.” That one hits hard. Have you ever had a moment when you listened to a song and found yourself getting emotional? Perhaps tears? Yeah, stop and think about that. Someone writes and then performs a song that touches you with so much power that you begin to lose control. I’m in awe over that kind of talent.

This is why they use so much music in movies. While we can all agree that we have our favorite actors and actresses, then of course there are great scripts or producers, but they’re all enhanced by the sound of music. Musical scores are also one of my favorite things to listen to. The movie “Dances with Wolves” has an amazing soundtrack from start to finish! Here’s a spin on a classic by Led Zeppelin. “The Immigrant Song” was redone by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for the opening of the movie “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.” I could go on and on about music and songs that speak to me. Why not take a moment and just throw a headset on and lose yourself in something that speaks to your soul.

I’ll be hopping on here a little more frequently to take breaks from my book writing. The topics will of course be all over the place, because that’s where I seem to be when I’m writing. At this point though, that’s a good thing. Things are coming out, which is the most important part of the process. Seeing some of it in print is strange. It’s satisfying yet terrifying all at the same time. I have moments where I can almost feel the “characters” again, and that creeps me out. Better days are ahead, I just know it.

Thanks for following along on this journey.

~Robert~

Not all days are bad.

July 29, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

If you’ve been reading and following my journey lately, you may feel as though I’m sliding downward, or things are out of control. Let me reassure you that I’m a work in progress and yes, there will be tough days, but not all days are bad.

Understand that mental health is an ebb and flow kind of thing. You can ride the highs of great events, time spent with loved ones and just being alive. There’s also the challenges of stress brought about by work, family life, relationships, or brought about by triggers. (In general, when a person is “triggered,” they’re being provoked by a stimulus that awakens or worsens the symptoms of a traumatic event or mental health condition.) I felt the need to add that so that everyone understands when I say triggered, you have some kind of baseline definition. Triggered events are the toughest for me. I don’t know what can bring them on. Sometimes I have no idea why something is upsetting me so much. When this happens, and I have a moment of feeling lost, alone or worst of all rage, I reach out and ask for guidance. While I’m lucky enough to have someone in my “corner” that is a trained professional. There are other avenues that I’d highly recommend to others. Al Anon is a wonderful organization and they hold meetings on a regular basis pretty much in all communities. They’re free and even if you don’t have issues related to alcohol, you’ll find good information in those rooms. This too can help you from feeling all alone.

“Healing begins at the end of resistance and the beginning of surrender.” I found this today on social media and wow did it grab me! When we take the initiative to lower our guard and stop resisting, to surrender, we can find peace. I’ve experienced this on so many levels, that I really felt this quote. Sometimes it’s the simplest sayings, memes, quotes that can make the biggest difference in your mood. It can boost you up and make you feel “normal” again.

The power of writing, reading and music. These things are truly my safeguards. Being able to sit in front of the computer and just pound away on my keyboard is so therapeutic. I’ve found that my brain works in such a way that I need the keyboard to be able to keep up with my thoughts. Yes, I’m a skilled typist. (Thank you Waite High School). I can throw things down and purge them from my brain, good, bad or indifferent. I also recommend writing or journaling things. You can keep them all to yourself, share with others, or write them out and then burn them. I know of many that find that as a way of closure. Reading self help books and poetry can do wonders. Add some great music to any of the above and just wow! I’m currently sitting in front of the computer and listening to scores from movies, one of my most favorite types of music. I bet you’d never guess that!

I want my post to always be thought provoking and hopefully not to much for people to handle. I don’t want to hurt anyone. My time for doing that is behind me now, it’s time for a new chapter in my life. One of forgiveness and healing. I find tears start just by saying this out loud. It takes me right back to a moment sitting with my counselor and her asking me “Robert, when are you going to forgive yourself?” I exploded into tears when she asked me because that was a question I’ve never been able to answer. I’ve held myself accountable for so many things for so long, it just became a part of me. I never thought that I was worthy of being forgiven. Like I said, I’m a work in progress.

I hope that you have a better understanding of humans by reading through my blogs. As a studier of humans in general, I seek to point out things that are both good and rewarding. As I stated at the start and with my title, Not all days are bad. I’ll add to that, not all people are bad. There is a path forward, just seek it. I’ve always been jealous of my wife’s ability to see things from a different perspective. I can be in the throws of rage and she’ll say something that sparks a different thought, which carries into a different reaction, and slows me back down. I don’t think that I thank her enough for talking me off so many ledges over the years. It takes a special kind of person to handle me. Thank you Karla Jean.

In closing; I just want to say that today is a better day. I’ll keep writing, reading and listening to my music. I’ll keep seeing my counselor until we both feel that I’m back on the right track and able to go it alone. When I say alone, I don’t really mean it. I know that there are those out there that will always have my back and my best interest in mind. While I remain slightly broken, I’m good today, and sometimes that’s good enough.

As always, thanks for reading, I’m honored that you all take the time.

I’ll see you on the road.

~Zombie~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

music

Releasing Demons

Understanding Emotional Healing: The Science of Music

Music Activates The Soul

Not all days are bad.