These very words run through my head on a regular basis. When I’m thinking about relationships in my life, whether it’s with family, friends, co-workers or my spouse. These people have become part of your world. Some by choice, others are just stuck with you. Navigating someone that struggles with their emotions can be tricky, and I’m sure at times, painful. The best piece of advice that I can give to those around me is to try to remember; “it’s not you, it’s me.”

Relationships throughout my life have been both influential, and cumbersome. Sprinkle in with that moments of happiness and love. I take the development of a relationship seriously. This is mostly because of my inability to trust. Trust, itself is not something that I take lightly, it has to be earned in my world. I don’t just hand it over without taking the time to look you over and through you. It may sound harsh, but it’s a reality that I had to maintain for survival. If you give trust, you’re handing over power to another. That power can then be exploited, and used for harm. Harm that can be both mental and physical. As a survivor, I’ve always been cautious and remain so to this day.

When I talk about trust and relationships, a flurry of emotions start to pulse within my body. I become immediately hardened. When someone wants to enter my “circle of trust”, what is it that they bring to it? “What’s the angle?” I’m sure while you’re reading this you’re thinking, wow, just be friends with someone, it can’t be that hard. I beg to differ. If you struggle with mental illness, if you’ve seen people do and say horrible things, or you’ve witnessed what can happen when the wrong person is let in, you’d get it. We’ll call it damage control, or threat assessment.

Let me tell you about when I first met my wife Karla. We chatted on the computer for awhile before we actually met in person. Even then, I met up with her at a park, somewhere I felt safe, comfortable. In fact, it’s the very same park that I turned my life around in. When I was at my lowest point and had no direction, I went to this park to walk and that turned into some 39 years of running, as well as a purpose to keep going. Karla and I met there for a run and got caught in a rain storm. We finished the run, both soaked from head to toe. It was an amazing moment and I felt something then for her, but I remained guarded. We continued dating for some time and even then, I would sit at a distance from her, in my own home! I was reluctant to get close to her even though she seemed wonderful. We talk and joke some about all of this now, but she can also tell you that it’s not been an easy road with me. We married and started our life together, I was thrilled that I’d met someone that seemed so good, so different from others. A part of my wall stayed in place even then. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Years have gone by and once finally seeking counseling, I was able to sit down and tell Karla everything about my past. Who I was, what I know, what I’ve seen. I was terrified to do this, but with the help of my counselor, I’d gained enough strength to finally truly bring Karla into my “circle of trust.” I’d already played out everything in my head a thousand times. How I’d tell her everything and she’d withdraw and run away. Surprisingly, that never happened. She sat and listened intently to everything. Perhaps even shared tears with me. She never walked away, she didn’t judge, and I was shocked. Her words were “this is not who you are now, you are not that same person and have grown into an amazing man.”

Her words stay with me daily. I need that reinforcement in my brain so that I don’t slide backwards. Because as I stated at the beginning, it’s not you/her, it’s me. Karla was not the one with all of the insecurities, it’s me. She’s not the one that has caused harm to me, those people are gone now. Yet I struggle. The good days far outnumber the bad, but I know now that I can get through the bad days. They won’t keep piling up to become an infinitely high wall.

To tell this now feels right. I want people to know that you can be yourself and maneuver around someone that has been broken, or still remains so. I would only ask that you be patient, don’t judge and actively listen when the person wants to talk. I’m a prime example of someone that usually doesn’t want to talk, although I’ve gotten better. My co-workers can all share stories of what it’s like to be around me when things aren’t right in my world. I close up, stay away and don’t feel the need to talk much at all. This can bring about feelings in them that they’ve done something wrong. That perhaps they weren’t doing some task that has made me angry, or not performed as I would expect them to. When really, it’s just me. It’s just me hanging on at that moment to some kind of sanity. Holding onto the belief that I can feel good again, that my day will improve.

“It’s not you, it’s me” is a powerful message I’m sending to the world. I can care for others, I can love like anyone else, but I have been hurt, and broken. I tell this because if you’re like me and feel at times that you’re sitting on the edge, holding people back, get the help that can make things right again. Please don’t take it out on those around you. It can only become more damaging to everyone involved. Think of it like a child that is a witness to violence or hostility. While some think that some kids are too young to understand these events, it does stay with them. My illness cannot be the cause of someone else’s downfall. I don’t want myself or anyone else that struggles to have to carry the burden of harming. Seek the help and turn the page.

In my closing I want to say that for the first time in my life I’ve been able to say aloud that I struggle with mental illness. Taking ownership of that was important. I’ve come to realize that it’s my health and is no different than getting the flu. There are treatments and there is hope! Getting others to understand that is important to me now. For those that suffer themselves, and for those that love us. Breaking barriers and stigmas, one blog entry at a time.

Huge thanks to my wife Karla for always being a guiding light when the world feels so very dark and cold.

Thank you all for reading and listening.

~Zombie~