therapy

So, I’ve made it through another week. I’m not sure what keeps gnawing at me but I feel uneasy. A regular trip to Costco caused anxiety to kick into high gear. Aisles felt too tight, people rushing all around me became dizzying. I usually do well in this environment, but today felt different. I’ve been busy self analyzing (which you shouldn’t do) and come up with nothing. To describe the feeling, it’s like you can see and feel a storm on the horizon. I feel the breeze picking up, the change in the air temperature, the colors before me turn dark. Something is brewing…I just don’t know what it is.

After my last session with my counselor we’ve decided to push forward with EMDR. (EMDR therapy, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a psychotherapy technique designed to help individuals process and heal from traumatic memories.) I have several sessions scheduled as this is the best way to dig into what’s going on. I’ve stated before that this is helpful therapy for me, but I also tend to be nervous, and perhaps a little frightened. If you’re wondering why I’d be scared, it’s because this opens up doors to things that you’ve slammed shut. The numerous traumas that you’ve experienced all want to come back to the surface. When you’ve spent a lifetime hiding things away, this can be overwhelming.

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Let me say that I trust my counselor implicitly. She has guided me through so much already. I have no reason to fear her at this point. What I fear is what lies beneath the surface. The storm that is waiting and ready to unleash its full power. I’ll try to put this into perspective so that it’s palatable. Let’s say that you witness an armed robbery. You see the violence that’s involved, the gun being wheeled around and pointed at some innocent person’s face. All of this happens in a matter of moments, but your brain records all of it in slow motion. While it records it, it can also distort what you’ve seen. Your brain has a way of trying to protect you. It immediately begins damage control. Placing items into boxes and storing them away so that you’re able to go about your day. The adrenaline dump can cause your nervous system to go at super high speeds. Again, the brain works to slow you down, bring you back to earth. When you’ve experienced horrible situations on a regular basis, your brain becomes overloaded. So much so that it can just shut down. I’ve talked about these moments when triggered by something. How things spin out of control and I just shut down. The ultimate in protection is to seal everything away. My brain has taken a huge portion of my life and has placed the most traumatic parts into boxes, and stored them under lock and key. The reason: to protect my sanity.

This brings us to doing the EMDR. This process helps you to unpack the boxes slowly and with care. Thus, keeping me safe from the harm that my brain felt was too much at that time. I’ve found in previous sessions with EMDR that numerous things that I’d seen and never thought for a moment were causing me harm were the worst offenders. While the brain is protective, it’s also clever. The problem with how everything has been stored is that it’s been stored in a container that, after sitting for years, is now leaking. All of the ugliness has begun leaching into your entire system. It’s now poisoning you while it runs its course through your veins. EMDR is used to remediate things that are causing you harm.

I’ve reached another plateau in my drive to become whole. Do I fear what is waiting inside of my stored boxes? Absolutely, but I understand that in order for me to find the peace that I desire within myself, I have to do the work. As my counselor stated previously “you’ll go through these ups and downs for the rest of your life.” Knowing that, don’t you think it’s better to face the storm head on? Leaving things unresolved leads to more fractures and further feelings of unhappiness. Finding a way out of this is what I desire. I can’t change the things that have happened to me. I also can’t just say that they’re all in the past. While they reside in the past, my brain has held the darkness tightly. It’s time to release it, but in a controlled environment, and with care.

I’ll hold it together until I begin my process. I’ve gained strength through the years. The idea that I’m sitting here telling the world all of my secrets is proof that I’m progressing. This is part of my therapy and a reason to keep going. I know that others suffer greatly, and I see you. Something else that’s come about over the years is that I’ve begun carrying other’s burdens as if they were my own. I’ve seen the hurt in eyes and wanted to remove it. I need to understand that my story is my own and that I can write about my journey, share my feelings, but I mustn’t take on anyone else’s pain. The load that I carry now can be too much at times. To add extra weight is an act of futility.

The storm is coming, I feel it. I’d like to think that the vessel is strong enough to weather this storm. Not only weather it, but come through it to the other side where calm waters await me. Thank you for reading this entry today. I need to purge these feelings, or at least say them out loud so that it all feels real. My world was a secret for most of my life. I don’t want it to be a secret any longer.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

I think it’s convenient that June is PTSD awareness month. I talked about mental health month in May and covered some of my struggles, along with acknowledging that there are so many out there fighting the same fight. Getting into a more precise part of my struggles brings me to PTSD. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Symptoms: Symptoms may include disturbing thoughts, feelings, or dreams related to the events, mental or physical distress to trauma-related cues, attempts to avoid trauma-related cues, alterations in the way a person thinks and feels, and an increase in the fight-or-flight response.
Causes: Exposure to a traumatic event. In extreme cases of prolonged, repeated traumatization where there is no viable chance of escape, survivors may develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). This occurs as a result of layers of trauma rather than a single traumatic event, and includes additional symptomatology, such as the loss of a coherent sense of self.

Due to being exposed to numerous traumatic events. I was at a time in my life that I was unable to process safely. The damage compounded as the years went by. The idea of feeling “normal” or living a happy life were fleeting thoughts, dreams if you will. I always looked for a way out and wished for a better life, it just didn’t seem obtainable. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I was diagnosed with PTSD and started on the road to recovery. That journey continues.

I was asked recently “why don’t you post more positive things on your blog?” I’ve tried to make it clear that this blog is for myself; first and foremost. I have a desire to share the things that I’ve gone through in order to assist others. Not every blog is going to be like that, because that’s just not how life goes. While I’m in a much better place now, I have struggles. Again, life has a way of testing you and doesn’t care if your broken or not.

There are moments that I’m triggered by a person, an event, even being in an environment that brings back feelings from the past. Humans have a way of not respecting others space, or even our energy. That can be problematic for a person dealing with ghosts from their past. I feel that the world can be so angry that the only way to deflect it is to match that energy. This is a discussion I’ve had with my counselor on numerous visits. I know in my heart that bringing negative energy will not solve my problems, but sliding into an area of comfort becomes all too easy. Rage, anger and violence are close personal friends of mine. In those moments I have to find a way through. I can’t fall off the cliff. This my friends is the inner struggle that I wake to everyday.

I needed to sit and write about this tonight. I’ve been faced with so many challenges that have beckoned the demons to rise up. It’s made me sit and ponder where I’m at in my recovery. Do I feel safe? Should I find new ways to maintain my stride? Of course there’s always the question in my head of “will I ever feel healed?” I cherish each day that comes and I feel happiness, mostly because I’m not sure when the next one will appear.

I want to share a poem that I found recently. While it has a dark undertone to it, it’s beautiful at the same time. It’s called “The Final Pause“

And when death finds me, I hope it whispers, “Come now, the fight is done,” and takes my hand gently like an old friend who understands why I’m so tired. I hope it says, “you’ve carried enough, let me hold this weight for you.” I hope it promises, “here there is quiet. Here you can rest.” (Ticus poetry)

I wrote a very similar poem years ago, but it was more about a person suffering and asking God if it was o.k. to die. Perhaps I’ll pull it out and post it soon. These are the things that I carry with me. The blessings that I’ve received and the torture that I carry. I’m tired today and hopeful to find rest tonight. Some days it just feels like a heavy load that I wish to set down at the side of the road.

I know, so much to process here and no, I’m not able to write something warm and fuzzy at this time. I can tell you that I’m a fighter. I’m a survivor. I refuse to quit, no matter how hard things become. That being said; I’ll pick up this heavy load and move forward because it’s just what I do. Searching for the light.

Try to remember that there are those out there that are suffering. “Not all wounds are visible.” June is PTSD Awareness month. Take a moment to care about the suffering. Share a smile, bring that positive energy that we seek. Just do your best to be a good human, because that’s all any of us really want to encounter. I’ll close out with one more poem by Ticus.

(The deepest kind of pain is the one you hide, not to protect yourself, but to protect others from witnessing just how much it has already destroyed you.)

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

Facing the Storm

Understanding PTSD: Symptoms and Struggles of Recovery