I think it’s convenient that June is PTSD awareness month. I talked about mental health month in May and covered some of my struggles, along with acknowledging that there are so many out there fighting the same fight. Getting into a more precise part of my struggles brings me to PTSD. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

• Symptoms: Symptoms may include disturbing thoughts, feelings, or dreams related to the events, mental or physical distress to trauma-related cues, attempts to avoid trauma-related cues, alterations in the way a person thinks and feels, and an increase in the fight-or-flight response.
• Causes: Exposure to a traumatic event. In extreme cases of prolonged, repeated traumatization where there is no viable chance of escape, survivors may develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). This occurs as a result of layers of trauma rather than a single traumatic event, and includes additional symptomatology, such as the loss of a coherent sense of self.

Due to being exposed to numerous traumatic events. I was at a time in my life that I was unable to process safely. The damage compounded as the years went by. The idea of feeling “normal” or living a happy life were fleeting thoughts, dreams if you will. I always looked for a way out and wished for a better life, it just didn’t seem obtainable. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I was diagnosed with PTSD and started on the road to recovery. That journey continues.

I was asked recently “why don’t you post more positive things on your blog?” I’ve tried to make it clear that this blog is for myself; first and foremost. I have a desire to share the things that I’ve gone through in order to assist others. Not every blog is going to be like that, because that’s just not how life goes. While I’m in a much better place now, I have struggles. Again, life has a way of testing you and doesn’t care if your broken or not.

There are moments that I’m triggered by a person, an event, even being in an environment that brings back feelings from the past. Humans have a way of not respecting others space, or even our energy. That can be problematic for a person dealing with ghosts from their past. I feel that the world can be so angry that the only way to deflect it is to match that energy. This is a discussion I’ve had with my counselor on numerous visits. I know in my heart that bringing negative energy will not solve my problems, but sliding into an area of comfort becomes all too easy. Rage, anger and violence are close personal friends of mine. In those moments I have to find a way through. I can’t fall off the cliff. This my friends is the inner struggle that I wake to everyday.

I needed to sit and write about this tonight. I’ve been faced with so many challenges that have beckoned the demons to rise up. It’s made me sit and ponder where I’m at in my recovery. Do I feel safe? Should I find new ways to maintain my stride? Of course there’s always the question in my head of “will I ever feel healed?” I cherish each day that comes and I feel happiness, mostly because I’m not sure when the next one will appear.

I want to share a poem that I found recently. While it has a dark undertone to it, it’s beautiful at the same time. It’s called “The Final Pause“

And when death finds me, I hope it whispers, “Come now, the fight is done,” and takes my hand gently like an old friend who understands why I’m so tired. I hope it says, “you’ve carried enough, let me hold this weight for you.” I hope it promises, “here there is quiet. Here you can rest.” (Ticus poetry)

I wrote a very similar poem years ago, but it was more about a person suffering and asking God if it was o.k. to die. Perhaps I’ll pull it out and post it soon. These are the things that I carry with me. The blessings that I’ve received and the torture that I carry. I’m tired today and hopeful to find rest tonight. Some days it just feels like a heavy load that I wish to set down at the side of the road.

I know, so much to process here and no, I’m not able to write something warm and fuzzy at this time. I can tell you that I’m a fighter. I’m a survivor. I refuse to quit, no matter how hard things become. That being said; I’ll pick up this heavy load and move forward because it’s just what I do. Searching for the light.

Try to remember that there are those out there that are suffering. “Not all wounds are visible.” June is PTSD Awareness month. Take a moment to care about the suffering. Share a smile, bring that positive energy that we seek. Just do your best to be a good human, because that’s all any of us really want to encounter. I’ll close out with one more poem by Ticus.

(The deepest kind of pain is the one you hide, not to protect yourself, but to protect others from witnessing just how much it has already destroyed you.)

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~