trauma

If you follow this blog than you know my subjects can be one of the many random things that are still floating around in my head, or possibly something prompted by discussions. Today’s blog is going to focus on the ability to “get over” something. I don’t think that everyone quite gets what I’m going through, and that’s alright. I’m not judging, but I do feel that it’s an opportunity to share. Perhaps I can assist people to see things from a different perspective, or shift the angle by which they view things. Let’s get into it.

Having been damaged by past events has caused a mental strain on myself and those around me. For much of my life I’ve kept everything to myself, never sharing anything about my past, not even with my family for fear of many things. When I was still in the “thick” of it, I knew better than to discuss anything that I was doing, knowing full well that it could bring about serious repercussions. Part of why I hid everything was for the protection of those I cared about. Later in life it was more that I didn’t want to be judged. I also didn’t feel that it was necessary to always bring up things that I’d done, I mean why not just stuff it down and lock it away. “The past is the past”, right? Not so much…I’ll explain.

I truly felt that everything that had gone on was now done. The people involved are gone now, and I’m pretty sure that there’s no one who would want to look me up at this point. Some of the trauma that I encountered at different times was put in a very safe place inside of my head. Locked away so that no one would ever know. What I failed to understand is that the human brain has a wonderful way of bubbling these events back up. Sometimes in the form of nightmares, or changing your way of acting towards other people. It seeps through the cracks of that locked box and teaches you that what you thought was securely stored away has really just been waiting to appear again.

How I handled relationships changed, the way I thought about work changed, sleep patterns were an absolute mess, and loved ones were growing concerned. I tried on my own to figure out a way to make the “bad” things go away. To keep the darkness from coming back into my life. I worked hard to hold back the demon inside. It was time for help. When I discovered my counselor, it was originally for the purpose of helping my daughter deal with her issues. I’d stay after for a few minutes and have a discussion with the counselor about how things had been going at home with Taylor, what changes I’d noticed etc. I think that my counselor (Amy) could feel that something was just off with me, like I was holding things back. She finally just threw it out there and asked me if I wanted to come in and have a discussion. I decided it was time.

Now, I started seeing her and we had some fairly open discussions, but I still kept my dirtiest secrets. I’ve learned to never trust anyone and if I shared the deepest, darkest things with her, once again I’d be vulnerable. We worked together for a bit and I started to feel that she was genuine. She was real and I could trust her. She even opened up about some of her own past in order to show that it was ok to do so. That gave me comfort. I can still remember the day that I went to an appointment and just sat there for a second and said, “I have to give you full disclosure if I’m ever going to get better.” I unloaded everything. I will tell you now that there are only a few people in my life who know “everything.” Amy was the first person to hear all that I had buried away.

We worked on so much after that, and I found it to be cleansing. I started to be more at peace with myself. I found that there were numerous things that I’d completely blocked out that still held a spot within me. We began doing EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy. This is something used with people that suffer with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder). I definitely fit the bill with that. I will tell you that this form of therapy can do great things, but it’s hard to get through, at least it was for me. I found myself feeling very drained after a session of this and usually had to take a nap right afterwards. It helps to dig out the mess that we bury inside, reprocess it in a more positive fashion. If you suffer from a trauma, this probably sounds terrifying. None of us wants to relive the trauma, but the only way to get through is to face it. I’ve learned that my methods were failing me in an epic fashion.

Suffering from something like PTSD does not mean that I can’t function in society. There are many who never even knew all of the problems that I was struggling with. I was good at keeping them hidden. Using the tools that the counselor brings to the table are key in getting through the rest of your life intact. I have stretches where I don’t need to see Amy at all, and I’m able to function just fine. The unfortunate part is that there can be things that trigger you. While we get triggered all the time, there are some things that trigger a deep feeling, or emotion and it can be paralyzing. I’ll share one particular event where I was having a discussion with this person and we were discussing schooling – growing up on different sides of town as well as being poor. He started to rail against poor people. Stating that the only thing that holds them back is their own laziness. “Pull up your bootstraps and work.” That was his approach and world view. I could feel myself getting hostile, and starting to look for a “target” on him that I wanted to strike first. I could feel all of the shame that I felt as a child going without, having to hustle to stay alive. To sit there and have someone tell me that the reason for it was strictly my own doing, well that wasn’t sitting too well with me. I first gave warning for him to step away because he was in “my space.” At that point I let him know that because of his privileges of coming from a well to do family, and never having to worry about clothing, food, heat, etc. that he couldn’t possibly understand. “Walk a fucking mile in my shoes!” That was the next thing that came out. I knew that this was not going to end well if I stayed in close proximity with this guy and was wise enough to leave. I had been triggered, and triggered so badly that I needed to actually contact Amy and ask that we talk on the phone. I needed someone to calm me so that I didn’t do what I had already been doing in my head while this conversation was going on. He has no idea how close he came to seeing the dark wolf.

So, this brings me to my past. Be sure that I have no desire to sit and stare at it. I’ve learned that it’s the past and it needs to stay there. Why do I talk about this so much then? Well, it’s because the past has a way of reminding you that even though you don’t look back, it’s still there. The damage that has been caused by the past is the problem. It’s not that I want to live all of it over and over again. I need to know that I can still hold the line when the darkness comes knocking. The only way to do that is to properly identify the trauma’s root cause and work it out. It’s messy, but it’s necessary. These stories that I share are also a way of “cleansing” me. I feel that there are things that need to be said in order for me to be able to sleep again. I also share them so that others who have problems will understand that while they may be broken, there are tools waiting to be used that can help you. It’s painful to hold on to such awful darkness and not be able to share it. Our brains have a way of regurgitating the same scenarios over and over until we sometimes feel insane. We need the help from an outside person to give a different perspective, and then gently place it back into the box. This is not something that I asked for, it happened and I’m dealing with it now.

For those who may not understand others who suffer from trauma. Just know that when you say things like, “it’s in the past, you’re not there anymore”, or “you’ll be fine”, it’s doing a disservice to the person you’re speaking to. Try to remember that none of us asked for this. It happened, and we’re doing the very best we can just to survive. Try to have empathy and understanding. We don’t require special treatment from you, but we do want you to know that if we could go back and change whatever the event(s) were, we’d have done it by now. Remember to walk a mile in another person’s shoes, you just may find you don’t care for the way they fit. With that, I digress…

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my stories.

~Robert~

Survival. What are you willing to do to survive? How far have you had to go to keep yourself above ground, and secure? There are different ways of looking at the word survivor. One of the first things that comes to mind for most of us is surviving breast cancer. Lord knows there’s been entirely too much of that in all of our lives. I’m sure that without even a glitch you can think of numerous people in, or around your life that have had to go through some kind of fight in order to stay alive. In this blog, I’d like to look at other aspects of surviving. None of them are easy and most come with a price. The question becomes, what are you willing to pay?

This subject has been on my mind for some time now. I’ve had to think it through to see just how I wanted to dissect the subject of survival. Survival–“The state or fact of continuing to live or exist, typically in spite of an accident, ordeal, or difficult circumstances.” We humans come equipped with a built in mechanism that makes us fighters. We’re capable of enduring all forms of pain and still finding a way to persevere. We learn much of this early, from falling as a toddler, skinning our knees as a tween, breaking a bone as a teenager, and of course there’s the feeling of heartbreak when dealing with another human in a relationship. While it’s vital to recuperate from any physical injuries, it’s also vital to recuperate from the unseen injuries. The mental anguish that can burden us. Sometimes, for the rest of our lives. There are times when the two, physical and mental come together and cause the most serious damage. While you can heal from some things physically, the steps required to recover mentally can be taxing, and at times seem like too much. This is where survival truly kicks in. What are you willing to do to survive?

I’ve shared several of my stories on this blog, and can tell you that I’ve faced the question that I’m asking now. When you’re a kid, you look to others to guide you and show you how to manage life’s lessons. In some cases, the lines can become blurred. Not all that surround you are looking out for your best interest. Predators seek those that they feel they can manipulate in silence. This can be in the form of “grooming”, or teaching a child to learn the art of deception. Teach them to become paranoid of all that is in the world, and that only that person, or group is the true savior in their life. There are some that would befriend you and use you for the purpose of making money. As a child, you just don’t know any better, because you’ve not been on this earth long enough to sort everything out. Judgment becomes skewed and mistakes are made.

Instincts are always in you to survive. Those that would use you are always willing to see that you have a “better” life. They make sure that bills get paid, money is provided on a regular basis and protection from those that could harm you is available. When you’re hungry, cold, tired, or homeless, all of this can seem like a blessing. It’s also providing you the basic needs to survive. What is the price for all of this? The answers come with uncertainty. At the time, the price may seem low, and worth the risks that come with it. It’s not until later that discovery of the true costs sets in. How far are you willing to go to survive?

Perhaps there’s something in your past that is triggered by all of this, and that’s truly understandable. We all have our demons. We’ve all been through some kind of “shit.” If I’ve learned anything in this world, it’s that almost everyone has been through some kind of traumatic experience that has put them at the doorstep of survival. They had to find something deep inside that would allow them to pay the toll, as it were, to keep moving on the highway of life. I had to trade a portion of my childhood, along with a portion of my mental strength to keep above ground. I was made to walk in the shadows, taught to feel nothing, and work to earn my place on the planet. I traded what I feel is a portion of my soul. I’m working hard now to gain it back, and looking back at what I provided, it was a heavy cost. I’m still here though.

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When you look in the mirror each day, what is it that you see? I’ll tell you something about myself, I struggle to look at mirrors…that’s a very true statement. I still see the same scared kid at times, along with a hardened older man. I still see the survivor though. I try more now to pay attention to the survivor and let the rest slide away. You’ve heard the statement, or perhaps said it yourself a time or two. “I did what I had to do.” On the positive side of this, I’ve learned to judge less and enjoy more. I know that I’m not the only one that suffers in silence. I know that my story is not unique in this world, and that there are others far worse than mine. That’s one of the things that I still think about on my walks through my old neighborhoods. What are these kids going through now? What are they doing to survive?

So, you’ve been reading all of this and probably running things through your mind. Were you lucky enough to have made it through your life thus far without having to trade something? Are you strong, independent and happy? If so, I’m envious of you and wish you continued happiness. For those that have paid a price, and are here reading this, you’re still here and I see you. Whatever price you paid, I’m grateful that you’re still here. Walk back those demons and keep working on yourself. I told you at the start of this that we came equipped as fighters, and fight we will. There is much still to see and do. There are people out there that for whatever reason have decided that we have worth, and they ask for nothing in return. Align yourself with those people, lean into them when you struggle. The cost of survival can be high, but I’m willing to fight for it. I’ve put in the work, and will continue to. If you ask me what am I willing to do to survive? The answer is, whatever it takes because I’m a survivor

Thank you so much for reading.

~Robert~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

Understanding Trauma

The Price of Survival