Who is it that you feed? There’s a story told among Native Americans that an elder is explaining to his Grandson that within each of us is a constant battle between two wolves. One representing negative emotions like anger, greed, and envy. The other representing positive emotions like love, peace, and kindness. The elder explains that we ourselves must decide which one of these wolves we’re going to feed. Do we go down the road of negative, or do we choose peace? Who would you feed?

I have this very tattoo on my leg with the two wolves, and above it says, “The one I feed.” I truly understand this and it’s a struggle within myself to walk the straight and narrow. To choose to feed the wolf of kindness may sound like a given choice, or easy to do, it’s not. When faced with different events through life, I’ve felt more secure and able to survive feeding the wolf of anger and greed. It’s comfortable to do so and served me in times of despair. When you feel that this wolf is strong and can protect you, you become kind of trapped. That if you don’t feed it, your power will fall away and you’ll be left vulnerable. In times of hopelessness, I struggle even more to lean towards the light. While I want to, and even need to, it’s a struggle. The other wolf is very strong and offers so much.

When I’d first learned about this story from my counselor, it was like a light went on. Yes! I so understand this! In my world, while the name Zombie came about in a cute and simple way, it’s as though it took on a persona of its own within me. It was easier to step aside and allow Zombie to take control of things. To do anything without feeling, to walk with a sense of power and control, it felt right. Robert is the more compassionate side, the wolf of positive emotions, love, peace and kindness. While this too can serve me well, my “training” looks at these things as weakness. You could even take a moment and think of a devil and an angel sitting on your shoulders trying to advise you of how to move forward. It’s much the same.

Events in the world, or even locally can trigger the struggle to rage. I feel that I’m progressing and starting to walk in the light, then something happens and I fall again. Perhaps tripped by Zombie. He wants to take over control and make things “easier.” Handle business without fear, without hesitation, without feelings. If you feel nothing, you can’t be hurt. That’s what I’m dealing with. No one wants to suffer in any fashion. The idea of being harmed physically is not something that most would want to bring upon themselves, nor would they want to hurt mentally. Yet, here we are.

There is so much wrong in the world today. There is so much celebration of pain and deceit. I wrestle with “how did we get here” all of the time. I feel as though we’ve failed as a society. We don’t want to praise the superhero anymore. We don’t want to wait for Superman or shine the Bat light for Batman to arrive. We’d rather enjoy the Joker burning the world down for the sake of watching it burn…nothing more. I know that if someone like me that’s walked on the darker side of life feels this, others must feel it as well. I also think that some just feel that life is just too hard. Why not let the darker wolf, or Zombie run freely and unchecked? Let me tell you that you don’t want that. You need to do the hard work, do the uncomfortable things. Being complicit in horrific events can’t become the norm. There must be a stopping point, or a moment of clarity.

Again, I share these things because I know that we’re all capable of doing, or being bad. We’re wired for it. Like it or not, there’s a killer in all of us. We’re just lucky that there’s also a switch of sorts that reminds us of what is right. Zombie is still lurking and waiting, like alcohol to an alcoholic, it’s ever patient. Zombie knows when I’m at my most vulnerable and is ready to “help.” The darker wolf wants to be fed, needs to be fed. Which wolf will I feed?

I seek answers among all humans. I seek kindness, hope, and love to remain Robert. I seek the food that the lighter wolf needs to remain whole. I lean towards those that have offered me food in the past. Those that believe in the lighter side, that believe in Robert. The humans that feel that Zombie should be part of my past, and never set free to roam again. I fear that if Zombie steps in, I could be lost. There’s sadness in that and right now I’m still fighting to stay whole. I’m still going to my counselor seeking food for the lighter wolf…so there’s still hope. While I’m struggling now, I’ll keep fighting. I have those that rely on me to be Robert, to remain hopeful and feed the lighter wolf of peace, love and kindness.

If you’re now wondering who wins in the story of the two wolves fighting. the answer the elder Cherokee replied with was “The one you feed.”

Thank you as always for taking the time to read my writings.

~Zombie/Robert~