Pushing the negative aside

July 7, 2025July 7, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

This is the part of me that I never wanted to share with others. These are the thoughts that haunt me at every turn in my life. The self-doubt, the sadness, the desire to be seen. All of the things that I was trained to put aside and keep moving no matter what. They all still reside inside of me to this very day. While I’m much better than I was earlier in my life, the struggle remains. The hardest part is that you never know when it will emerge. It can unexpectedly turn you upside down. A stalking burglar waiting for the right time to attack.

I recently decided to take my wife on a quick overnight trip to Indianapolis to see a WNBA game. It was something that I thought she’d enjoy and out of our “usual” order of places to go. While she’d been to the city on prior visits with her brother to see Drum corps competition. This would be a first for the two of us. I threw the idea to go and see a game out to her and she grabbed hold. I purchased some nose bleed seats for a game. I also scored a hotel with parking. We were all set for an adventure. The drive was a little on the boring side. On the route between Ohio and Indiana, all you find are giant farm fields. There are also giant churches. Neither of which screams for my attention. We arrived in town and headed for a local brewery that also doubled as a dog park. While I have zero interest in beer, I love seeing and touching dogs. It was a cute place. It was set in a neighborhood. It reminded me of the “Old West End” back in Toledo. Old homes that had been redone, apartments that were situated because it was also home to Indiana University. My wife selected some beers to sample. She would eventually have them fill a growler for her with the winning flavor. There were dogs situated about the place and a big screen showing others outside playing in all forms of water. It was an overall cute experience.

From there we made our way to our hotel, got parked and situated. The next order of business was to find lunch. We searched all the places in walking distance and settled on a place that Karla had been to prior. It was a popular place. Once we arrived, there were people waiting both inside and outside to get a spot. It was at this point that I could feel my anxiety start to build. Once getting inside the door, the closed off feelings started to come into play. A guy waited with his family. He was getting way too close in my space. I found myself beginning to evaluate my surroundings. God, I hate when my brain starts doing this but it’s like a knee jerk reaction. I look around and start to check exits, look at people that could be threats, and shut down internally. The guy behind me had already bumped into me twice causing me to give looks of disapproval. My wife said to hang on. She assured me it would only be about 10 minutes. I wasn’t sure if I’d make it. The space was too cramped. It was warm because of the heat from the door opening and closing so much. The people were not good about personal space. This is what goes on in my head. These are the types of things that my spouse has to process right along with me. She’s become a unwilling participant in my illness.

Trying to explain these feelings to my wife, or anyone for that matter can be taxing. I already have feelings of guilt because I can’t go into a stupid restaurant without getting mentally pressed. Is it fair for someone else to go through these things with you? Does she really understand? How can she be with me? These feelings weigh heavily on you. They sit at the table with you as you try to explain that you’ll be alright. The attempt to explain that the space was bad and the people were touching you almost sounds absurd. I wrestle with this all of the time. This afternoon on our get away would be no different. Once we were in our own space and I could breathe again, I began to find my center. I slowly started to calm down and make light conversation with our server. The game that would follow was great. I did my own assessments as we walked through the complex. I managed to stay focused on this new experience. I was able to stay present during the game and not worry about everything around me.

Once we released out after the game and hit the street. I felt the calm that I’d been searching for. My desire to be on the street felt more at home. I enjoyed walking about and taking in the sights. Yet, I was still evaluating those that could be threats. When I talk about my walks across the city, I feel at ease. I also feel the same way during hikes through trails in parks. The following morning after the game we woke early and headed out for a walkabout in the city. Taking in all that Indy had to offer. Enormous sports complexes, old homes, warehouses that had been converted into either apartments or commercial businesses. The local zoo and a river walk. We found ourselves caught up in a local 5K while walking and just took notice at all the many teens that were participating in the event. It made me smile to see so many youth taking part in the sport that brought me so much peace. I couldn’t help but think maybe there were some in the group that felt like I do about running. Perhaps it was their best friend too. Again, it made me smile. It’s times like this that I feel free and want to just be. I enjoy being with my wife, talking about whatever comes to mind. I truly feel happy when we do our walks. How funny that I derive so much pleasure from something that cost nothing. Don’t get me wrong. I loved going to the game. However, I found more happiness in the walk with Karla on the following morning.

This weekend has shown me that I’m still capable of getting through things that in the past I never would’ve been able to do. It’s also given me a reminder that I still have more work to do. You are enjoying a part of your life. You’re with the person you truly want to be with. You don’t want to explain why you feel bad. Why you feel unloved, or broken. My sister and I just talked about the ability to love. “I told her that we’re unable to love others unless we can love ourselves first.” She agrees. I do love myself, at least enough now that I can share my feelings with someone else. It didn’t come right away, but it’s come now to stay. I’ve promised my wife that if she can see through all of my faults/flaws, there is someone on the other side that is worth spending her time with. She’s still here after almost 20 years together, so I’m hopeful she does see the value in me that for me at times is the biggest struggle of them all.

Thanks so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

The cost of silence/Finding your voice

July 2, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Blurring the lines and keeping people apart is a tactic used by mob figures for decades. Keeping people on the cusp of thinking they’ll eventually get a share of the riches is part of the game. I know this and have firsthand knowledge of such practices. I was made to believe that a better life was obtainable, as long as I did as I was told. As time progressed and I began to question why I wasn’t seeing all the riches and better life that was promised, the darker side came into play. At that point, I was too far in and everything changed. Threats, bullying, and manipulation were served daily to keep me in line. When you watch current events unfold, I wan you to think seriously about what I’m saying here and understand that there’s not a good ending going forward.

I’ve explained many times that I’m a study of humans, a voyeur if you will. This too started out at a very young age and was part of my grooming process. While the idea was to sharpen my skills and make me aware of everything around me, the boss never thought that my skills would then become so sharp that I’d pay the same attention to what he was doing and how he was doing it. Knowledge is key in this world. Having proper schooling and training is key to being a successful person. People who want to control know this and do everything they can to make sure that you don’t get the proper tools to succeed. If you’re smarter than they are, you’ll understand the game and could throw everything into chaos. I’ll share a quote from an educated and very talented rock artist.

“Just in General, any government throughout history hasn’t really wanted its people to be educated, because then they couldn’t control them as easily.” (Maynard James Keenan from the band Tool)

That right there is a very true and powerful statement. When we are kept from becoming better educated, and stronger, our demise will soon follow. I felt this when I was working in the underworld. I was doing everything that was asked of me. I worked hard to make things better in my life, only to find that I’d end up terrified to speak, unable to walk around freely and more than anything, lost my ability to sleep. There was no winning in this world. I was just put in place to enrich a very small few, mostly the boss’s family members. Those of us who took risks, put our bodies on the line, lost our ties with family and friends were left soulless and angry. All of the promises that were made never came to fruition. The only things that I’ve gained were some street skills and an acute ability to understand other humans. The trade off was far from balanced and I’ve suffered for most of my life because of it.

Watching the world today makes me feel as though my old boss is back in charge of my life. Promises of greatness and riches are spewed out on a regular basis, and if you don’t believe those promises, you’re the one not to be trusted. You are then looked upon as “the enemy.” How dare you not believe what the boss is saying. How dare you question what you know are untruths. I’ve seen this play out before, in my past life. The boss, his family and friends are the ones who will enjoy the spoils that are provided by the foot soldiers. You may be thrown an occasional scrap, but you’ll never sit at the table with them. You’re not part of that world.

We’ve become a society of “all about me.” There is no more empathy, or even desire to understand the struggles of other humans. “Let them fend for themselves, pick up their bootstraps and make better for themselves, that’s not my job.” We can walk silently past the homeless, we can reach to protect our handbags when seeing someone who might not look like us, and we can turn our backs on someone who has lost everything. This is the sad reality of life in America. “If it doesn’t affect me directly, then it doesn’t matter at all.” That’s how I see people when I look around nowadays. Communities and neighborhoods have been sacrificed. States are fighting against other states to gain the almighty dollar from the corporate overlords. When I see this, again it makes me think of my old boss. All these same things went on and the only winner was him.

I’ve heard all of the banter over these past years, and I’ve been called many different names for questioning the validity of certain statements. While my soul is still restless from my past, I continue to try to find a way to mend. I need to find a way to reach others so that they too don’t become broken pieces in this winless game. See things for what they are, become a study of humans and break out. Look to build bridges with others around you and never be silenced by anyone. Never, and I mean never let someone take away your voice! I’ve said this in past blogs. We the people have the right to be heard and seen. There is no path forward unless we make the changes that are necessary. If it’s left to the bosses, you’ll never be free and it won’t end well.

If you take anything from my blogs, take this. I’ve seen how bad humans can be, and I’ve seen how wonderful they can be as well. Now is the time to look into the mirror and ask yourself what you see. It’s time to ask yourself what kind of world you want to live in, raise your kids in, or perhaps see your grandchildren grow up in. Will you accept the promises of the “boss,” or will you look to your neighbor and unite for a better tomorrow? The choice is still ours. Your voice is still your own, for the moment. Don’t let someone make you live in silence and secrets. I’ve spent my lifetime digging my way out of that, so I know the path that I’m choosing. Take my hand as we move forward. Let me end this with a verse from the Bible.

“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and say to you, Do not fear: I will help you.”

Isaiah 41:13

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

The Connection Between Self-Esteem and Personal Value

June 22, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Self worth “The inherent belief in one’s own value as a person, regardless of external factors like achievements or opinions. It’s a sense of being good enough and deserving of love and respect.”

Self Esteem “Is an individual’s subjective sense of their own worth and value.”

While these two are closely related, they’re distinct concepts. Let me get into this and share my perspective.

I was an easy target for someone to manipulate me when I was young because I struggled with self-esteem. I didn’t value who I was as a person, and I was influenced by outside sources that left me with the inability to build myself up. If you feel as though you have no value, it’s hard to build it up when you take what others have to say as gospel. When a person continually tells you that you’re worthless, you just might begin to believe it. I’m here to tell you, don’t listen!

I came from a poor family. We had very little, and it showed at times. We wore secondhand clothing and got by on bare essentials for many years. These kinds of things can leave you feeling cast aside by society. Add to that the fact that I lived in a poor area of the city, which puts you at a disadvantage when applying for jobs or socializing in general. The minute you put your zip code down it was as though you could almost feel the look of disgust. You knew at that point your application would find its way to file X.

Society wants winners and pretty people. They don’t want to hear from those who have to struggle. It doesn’t make them feel good. I walked the streets with a chip on my shoulder because I felt the weight of this and it grew worse as time went on. Rather than helping to build people up, we leave them at the side of the road where predators can feed upon them. This I know for fact because I fell into that trap. The guy who “groomed” me did so in such a fashion that I felt I would want for nothing. I had power through intimidation and violence. I skirted the edges of the law and did so unapologetically. I went from a kid who had nothing to one who had the power and backing of the underworld, or so I thought. My self esteem was built on lies and deception, and when it was pulled away, I fell back into my belief that I was nothing.

The things that changed me for the better were having people come into my life who offered me a better view of the world. I was hungry for a better life, a better world. Once I caught a glimpse of how things could be, it drove me to want to succeed. Finding that I was capable of being good at things and believing in myself drove my self-esteem to higher levels. I knew that I could compete with anyone and be successful. I no longer relied on the voices that would try to hold me back in order to serve their purpose.

One of the biggest changes in my life came with running. Running was something that gave me confidence. It didn’t matter if I was fast or slow, I was doing it on my own. My success was based on my ability to put on a pair of running shoes and just go. This was such a transformative time in my life. My feelings of pride and accomplishment gave me the internal voice to stand tall and feel good about myself. I felt that what I’d learned from my running I could apply to all aspects of my life and succeed.

While running wasn’t the cure, it was the beginning of a wonderful change in me. Running gave me more than it ever took away. That’s more than I can say for numerous people who passed through my life. While it did help me with relationships, it wasn’t able to fix all the damage that I’d encountered. The next step was walking into a counselor’s office and being open about my life. Stepping out of the shadows that had made me believe for so long that I could never do better. It gave me the confidence to change my direction in all aspects of my life. I learned that I have value, and I can command respect. I also learned to love deeply and openly. Placing trust in those you know won’t harm you.

If you believe in yourself and understand your value in this world, you’ll attract better humans into your orbit. Don’t settle for people who want to put you down or place value on you based on your looks, your pocketbook, or your zip code. I’d rather stand alone than settle for people who think so little of me. If you feel as though you’re with a person who doesn’t hear you or see you for everything that you are, do yourself a favor and move on. We all have something special about us. Being human means that we have our flaws, but rather than think less of ourselves, we should just simply celebrate who and what we are.

I wear all my scars with honor now. My brokenness is a thing of beauty. It may not be for everyone, but I’m good living in my own skin, and that’s what really matters. I no longer allow others to place a value on who or what I am. I tell you all this because I hope that I reach those who might still be struggling with their value. Once again I say, “I see you, and I hear you.” Don’t just wish for better, make the changes within yourself to be better. Take care of you first and you’ll see that your self-esteem will skyrocket. This will in turn make you understand that your self-worth is truly controlled by you. Never give your power to another person…ever.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Understanding Emotional Healing: The Science of Music

June 19, 2025June 19, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’d like to start out my blog today by sharing a piece by R.M. Drake:

“One day you’ll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat, and maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you, and welcome you home.”

I’ve been on here many times throwing so much of my life out there, that I’m sure at times people wonder “will he ever get better?” There have been many blogs that have covered darkness and despair. They were necessary. I had to put things in writing in order to face all of it and understand what part I played in all of it. I had to read through my own work and make a decision on whether I wanted to remain in my secluded world, or break free and experience life on different terms. Yes, there are many bad things that I’ve done and that have happened to me. Yes, I’m damaged inside and outside from all of it. Yes, I’m broken, but I’ve never given up on the hope that I could be better. Even when life was at it’s toughest, I looked for a way forward. That glimmer of light that I could follow and use to find my way to the surface.

Earlier in life I was closed off from my entire family. I’d found a way to seal off everything. This was done for the protection of both them and myself. I had to learn to have no feelings, or at least make it look on the surface as if I had none. Feelings were a way for the “others” to find their way in and bring harm to you. If I were to have told anyone in my family all of the things that were going on, they would surely have been harmed. I’m certain that I would have met with my own demise as well. While all of this was going on and I was locked away from everything, I was still seeking that light. Music became my escape from pain. At times when I felt like I was going to explode internally, I turned to music to find a way through. So many times I was able to push through the pain and continue to survive.

If you spend any time around me now, you’ll probably hear some kind of music playing in the background. I have it on now while I’m doing this blog, and I have it on while I’ve been writing my book. You can hear music while I do housework, clean cars or any of the many activities that I perform throughout the day. Music keeps me going. Some of it just has to do with the way it sounds. Then there are the songs that you swear the artist knew exactly what you were feeling when they wrote the song. You associate with the song and it somehow becomes a part of you. I’ve used music to survive and continue to use it in my healing process. It’s safe to say that it’s a necessity in my life.

There is an actual name for when you get chills, or goosebumps from listening to music. It’s known as frisson. Here is some interesting information about the music and brain connection from Science Times.

“What happens to your brain when you get chills:

The study suggests that the denser fiber in the brain means that the auditory and emotion-processing areas of the brain of those who get chills are better able to communicate with each other, thus the stronger reaction they have to what is called musical stimuli. Sachs also concluded in his study that those who get the chills have a higher tendency to experience more intense emotions than those people who do not feel anything while listening to music.”

This helps me to understand myself a little better. I’ve always felt that my brain was hyperactive anyway, and to find that an actual brain/music connection has been proven scientifically is a game changer. The intensity that I could have with my emotions was at times scary for me to process. I also learned later that I have the tendency to react to stressful events in a trauma-driven way. Life or death, black or white.

Learning more and more things about myself and the reasons that I’ve acted the way I have for so many years is helpful. In prior self evaluations I had just thought of myself as “crazy.” Now I understand that I am damaged yes, but not crazy. There’s science behind much of what I feel and how I react. Knowing this makes life going forward look much clearer. I’ve always said that what I seek is truth, clarity, and peace in my life. The idea of being able to just relax and let life come at me slowly makes my eyes fill with tears of joy. The trail seems brighter and peace seems obtainable. As stated in the writing that I opened with, “One day you’ll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat, and maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you, and welcome you home.” I look forward to life smiling back at me. It’s something that I’ve always searched for. When that time arrives, I’ll know that I’ve truly arrived home.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Finding Peace Through Ghosts From The Past

June 9, 2025June 9, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Finding the road to healing and revisiting ghosts from your past. While I’m in a much better place today, I still have set-backs. Some are small and manageable, others require me stepping back into my counselor’s office. “Trauma isn’t just what happened. It’s also what you had to go through alone.” Feeling alone was a huge part of my past. Being unable to tell anyone what was going on or about the things that I was involved in was, at times, soul crushing. There was no way to be comforted. I learned early in my life to be small, invisible, and quiet.

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

“Robert is such a quiet guy, and so shy.” These kind of descriptions followed me throughout my school life. I never wanted to be noticed. The further out of the light that I could keep myself, the better everything would feel. I was hypervigilant all of the time. I could feel things that others would never pay attention to. While it was a service to me at times, it also caused me to be anxious and to fear relationships. I was unable to trust people and it was exhausting.

Things can happen in “ordinary” life that can trigger these feelings to surface. Sometimes it’s the smallest thing. The way something is said, a look from a person or, of course, verbal confrontation. There are so many times when I’ve found myself wanting to revert back to the scared child. Looking for an escape, a place to hide and not be seen. Oddly enough, the other side of this same coin is that as an adult, I get almost hostile when I’m not heard or seen. There was a turning point toward the end of high school where I became defiant towards my “boss”. I’d started to believe more in myself and my confidence was growing. A new and better life could actually be obtained. The internal battle raged.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

I recently did a blog about my high school typing teacher. Telling you all how important she became in my turn around. The “it” factor that she possessed somehow transferred to me. I felt that everything she was telling me was true. So much so that I changed the direction that I had been heading. I’ve also stated that there’s a good possibility she was instrumental in saving me. I was finally able to meet her face to face recently. We had breakfast together at a local restaurant and then went back to her home where we discussed all parts of my life. She was inquisitive, thoughtful, gracious and had wonderful things to share. While she couldn’t place me in her mind from many moons ago, it didn’t matter. She’d welcomed me and wanted to hear my story. My main reason for reaching out to her in the first place was I wanted so much to tell her “thank you.” There are not many moments you get to sit down with someone so important to you and say what you really needed to say. I was gifted these moments in time, and I’m forever grateful for our paths crossing.

Ms. Osborn, my teacher was a ghost from my past that I needed to visit me again. I’d felt that there was unfinished business. I’ve found that I continue to look back at times to reach out to those who meant something to me. The ones who guided me even if they were never aware. The girl that I dated through most of high school would be another one of these ghosts. She was a bright light of hope during a time when all I knew was darkness. During the time we spent together, I was allowed to see the world through different eyes. We talked recently and she said that “I think you had more than one side and maybe that’s what you shared with me. Like a respite from the other.” Yes, it was a moment to breathe, to just be.

My road to recovering from my past was littered with so many who had hoped they could reach me. People who thought they’d found a way in, only to find that I’d already closed up and moved on. My random moments of anxiety, or shame were things that I was unable to express. To this very day I struggle sometimes to tell my own wife how I’m feeling, or why I’m feeling a certain way. Feelings of doubt climb into my head and I say things like “she doesn’t need to hear this” or perhaps “she’s heard enough and doesn’t need to hear this anymore.” The kid from the past then takes it all and places it in a hidden box. Stay small, don’t let her see you.

This, my friends, is why I blog. I can’t be the only one on the planet who has these kinds of feelings. In fact I know that I’m not. I had to seek out the ghosts that I knew could help me, once again, continue on the path that I need to stay on. Solid ground that will help me to move forward and be happy. In fact the parting words that my teacher shared with me were this. “Robert, live your life, live your life to the fullest and be happy.” Once again she said the right thing at the right time. A ghosts came to me and told me to be free of everything and live. It would be a disservice to her if I didn’t follow through with that. I may struggle, I may fall back a step, but I’ll never quit. Peace is right around the corner.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Why It’s Okay to Cry: Lessons from Childhood Trauma

May 22, 2025May 22, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’m sure that there are more than a few of you out there who are familiar with the term “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” This was a popular phrase used during the years I was growing up. Subtle threats of violence were used in order to gain control of children. “If I stop this car you’re going to be sorry.” While we can read these now and perhaps snicker, there is something to this that begs for attention. Crying is defined as “the shedding of tears, weeping.” Depending on your situation, there’s often much more behind the tears, or weeping. I’ll explore this and share my view.

I was raised to keep emotions in check. The phrase “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” was more than just a phrase to me, it was reality. While my father was not one for beating kids, he had other tactics that could dig in deeper. He spoke in such a fashion that fear cut straight through your heart. You truly felt that if you uttered so much as another peep, terrible things would be unleashed upon you at any given moment. I learned to be silent. I was trained to control tears much the same way that he did when he was growing up. There was literally just a handful of times that I saw my father actually cry. He even remained a stone wall when family members passed away. He was meant to be strong, and tears were a sign of weakness to him. This too was passed on to me: Tears are for the weak. Show nothing. Feel nothing.

This made things easy when transitioning from my father’s grasp to that of a drug czar. “There are no friends in the business” along with “never trust anyone” were carryovers from the days of no crying. I never shed a tear for anyone while doing my “job” in the drug world. I felt nothing for anyone, and if I did see someone crying, it only hardened me further. In my head, they were weak and should be brushed aside. That was my reality.

Years later, once I stepped into the room with my counselor and started to explore all of the events of the past, I felt myself welling up, wanting to cry. I’d immediately stop talking and get angry because I was spilling these tears of “weakness.” I was doing so in front of another human which made it even worse because now I was vulnerable. I’d find myself trying to hide the tears, or quickly wiping them from my cheek as if they never existed. Amy would ask me why I was getting upset about crying. I’d explain that it showed my weakness, I didn’t want anyone to see that side of me. I was trained this way, and carried it through my adult life that tears were a bad thing. Occasionally I’d have moments in the shower where I’d just let everything leak out without any witnesses. Or perhaps late at night when my wife had gone to bed, I’d hide my eyes in my recliner and weep. I would sob – a thing that I wasn’t “supposed” to do.

Let me say now that this way of thinking is so very wrong. We should let children experience everything and allow emotions to be shown. Tears are a part of that and can be cleansing. I found in my therapy that more and more frequently, tears would be shed. The reason was simple: I’d come back to life! I was experiencing things that I’d never been allowed to in the past. I was crying (in public!), and my tears didn’t make me weak, they were making me whole again. I was beginning to heal. I learned that as a child I was damaged and always waiting for someone, or something to help me. I realized as an adult that it was me that I was waiting for. I think at times that I’ve become the person that I wish would’ve been there for me earlier in my life. I feel as though I’ve grown into this superhero of sorts. Standing by saying, “It’s alright to cry.” It takes time to unlearn all of the things that we learned earlier in our lives. We need to be patient and forgiving. There’s that word again, “Forgiving.” The definition of Forgiving is the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven. While I’ve always hoped others would forgive me for my transgressions, I’ve been seeking my own forgiveness for a very long time. I can feel myself sitting right on the edge of this, but not quite there. Time will have to be my friend and guide me to the forgiveness that I seek.

If you find yourself shedding tears for loss, for trauma, or perhaps just in happiness, be good with it. Feel the salty warmth of the tears run down your cheek – really feel it. Your body wants to let go of emotions. Don’t hold them in or stuff them down. You have my permission to let go – it’s alright to cry.

Thanks for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

How a Typing Teacher Inspired My Life Transformation

May 9, 2025May 10, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I know that I’ve talked about my High School typing teacher in at least a few of my blogs. I’ll also tell you that she’s in my book that I’m currently working on right now. The reason for this, she was instrumental in helping me see that it was possible to turn my life around. I felt as though she could see through me at times and wanted desperately to confess all of my sins to her. (Spoiler alert-I never did). Let me explain this further.

When I decided to sign up for typing class in High School, I never had any desire to become some kind of great typist, nor did I really care what the outcome would be from the class. It was a time filler for me to just get by. At that point in my life, I was deeply embedded in the underworld and had far greater things to be worrying about than my classes. I was dealing with people who were much harsher about failure, so I adjusted my attitude accordingly. I started in the class and dropped myself directly in the very back seat. It was close to the door which gave me the ability to slide out quickly. When I began the class, I never gave a second thought as to what kind of teacher I would be facing, or what she might think of me. This was just where I was mentally at the time.

Ms. Joan Osborn stepped into the room and you could hear her heels clicking on the old wooden floor as she walked. She walked with purpose and had a way about her. Fearless and confident, some might see her as intimidating. To me, she was just another teacher in a long line of teachers that I’d run into over the years growing up. She put her name on the chalkboard and stated that she would be addressed as Ms. Osborn, nothing else. She laid out what the class was about and what she expected. She then stated she would be teaching us all about the typewriter, the home row, and then start doing drills to see what our abilities were. Ms. Osborn had a toughness to her, an edge if you will. It was something that captured my attention. I listened to what she had to say and found myself beginning to think that I just might be interested in this class.

As time progressed, Ms. Osborn seemed to sense something about me and decided that I needed to be placed directly in front of her desk, in the very front row. I’d done some drills and showed promise, along with speed on the keyboard. She had kind of a sly smirk when she moved me and stated that she wanted to make sure I was paying attention and getting the directions that she was giving. I’m certain that I came off as uncaring or a bit of a slacker when I first arrived in her class, but that quickly changed. I soon found myself being one of the fastest typists. More importantly, I found that I was enjoying what I was doing. Who would ever think that some punk drug runner would be excited to be typing.

I cruised through her class and did so with good grades. She had kept her eye on my progress and had me stay around after class at the end of the year. She told me about a program that she felt I’d benefit from. A business block of classes that would further my abilities. I hadn’t taken the required business block classes prior to this, but she stated that my typing abilities were good enough that she’d be willing to vouch for me and assist me to get into these block classes. I found myself agreeing to go through the process and get into these classes. She was true to her word and did vouch for me. I was able to get into this block class which furthered my desire for a new way of life.

I think that it’s safe to say that Ms. Osborn came into my life at a key moment. Was this another divine intervention? She became a key reason that I chose a different path going forward. I would go so far as to say that she may have saved my life. I was headed down a road that most certainly would’ve ended in destruction. I didn’t care if I lived or died. To have someone who noticed me, saw me for something more than what I saw in myself was an amazing moment. She spoke to me in a way that I started to believe that I could have a life outside of what I was doing. I began to believe that I could have a future and live past 30 years of age. I now had visions of being something more. This in turn made me more defiant towards those who would hold me back and use me. The power of a teacher, the power of a person taking time out of their own life to lift another person up. I wanted so much to tell her what my real life had been like, to confess all my terrible things, because for some reason, I felt like she’d understand and would reassure me that I’d be alright.

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I’ve thought about Ms. Osborn throughout my life. I always wanted to go back and see her to let her know what she meant to me and how she’d made such a difference in my life. All the things that she taught me and told me about life turned out as she stated. She’d told me that my typing abilities would be something that I could use throughout my life and that I was good enough that I’d never want for work. She was right! Typing has served me very well. I sit here now typing these blogs because of her. I’ve not only survived, but thrived in my workplace because of my typing abilities, just as she said I would.

I decided to do more google searches to see if she was still around. I’d looked a couple of times but never really found anything solid. I attempted again recently and found that when she married, she’d hyphenated the two names. This threw off the original search I’d done earlier on. Once I found out this detail, I searched with the hyphenated last name and got a hit! I then “typed” up a letter to Ms. Osborn and sent it off. I explained who I was and that she may not even remember me, but if she was interested, I wanted to meet and let her know just how important of a person she’d been in my life. I will tell you that as of yesterday, I received a card from her and she gave me her number so that we can make a plan to have lunch and chat. I’m more than excited about this and feel that It’s way overdue for me to tell her in person everything that I’ve shared here. She needs to know that her time with me not only changed me but saved me. My road was still tough, and I’ve struggled with the demons from all the years in the underworld, but she gave me the hope, or shall we say “set the fire” that I needed to change.

I’ll report back after I set up our meeting so that I can tell you how everything went. Even if it’s a quick lunch, I’ll find satisfaction in all of it because I was given the opportunity to thank someone who truly deserves to be thanked. This is a moment for me to sit with one of my real-life heroes. Thank you, Ms. Osborn, for caring, and for seeing something in a poor kid from the East Side. I’m forever grateful.

Thank you all so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Finding Hope in Darkness

May 2, 2025May 2, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

May begins Mental Health Awareness month. I’d ask that everyone do a self evaluation this month as well as look out for those around you that are, or might be struggling. There are so many stresses in this world today, you never know when someone will reach their breaking point. There are many that suffer in silence and are just trying to get by one day at a time. This is part of my story.

I’d always appeared to be the quiet one, the shy guy that many thought had everything together. No one knew the ghosts that haunted me for so many years of my life. The demons that were following me at every turn. There were so many times that I just wanted to give up. To give into the darkness and be free of pain, fear and feeling. While there are many reasons that people struggle with mental illness, I’ve been able to pin point exactly what events and person assisted in breaking me. There are times when I see someone on the street that might be talking to themselves, or staring off into the abyss and I wonder what was the defining moment in their life that brought them to this? Was it a singular moment in time, or was it more of a slow bleed? Was there abuse of some kind, or perhaps getting lost in a haze of drug use? These are all things that I think of because I walked in that darkness. I was searching for something, for someone to find me. Hoping that I’d be saved, perhaps from myself.

I’d reached a point that so many nightmares had chewed at my sleep, so much of my happiness was being drained, that I just felt anger. I was angry at the world and myself. I walked with a daring look on my face waiting for the moment for someone to say or do the wrong thing so that I could unleash my rage. A time bomb waiting to explode. While I felt that all of this was in some fashion normal. It’s what I knew growing up. Yet it didn’t feel right. Years of hiding these feeling and searching. If it hadn’t been for the need to find a counselor for my daughter, I’m not sure that I would’ve been able to find my way out of this. Taking her to a counselor to address issues that she was having exposed me and my damage to a professional that was able to spot it. Her kind and gentle approach was something I wasn’t used to. My initial response was to be skeptical. What did she want from me? Why did she think she could help me?

Once I’d agreed to begin my journey with her, I still kept so much hidden away. It took time for me to let down the walls that I’d spent a lifetime building up to protect myself from the world and everything in it. With each session I became more at ease around her, and as time went on I began to give full disclosure to the level of depravity that I’d fallen to in my life. I showed her my brokenness only to find her reach out and tell me that she would guide me through this, that I had value, that I was worth saving. I can’t tell you how many times I cried in front of Amy, I’m certain I’ve gone through many tissues in her company. I had to become vulnerable, to not fear showing who and what I really am.

I still have moments that I struggle. Even now when I write I question myself. Thinking things like why are you writing all of this? You don’t even write very well, you don’t speak very well, you are not to be seen. These are true feeling that I have, right now. I sit and work on my book and read back through all of the things that I’ve typed and save in the computer and wonder, who if anyone would want to read this? What makes you think you’re special? At the same time I look over the events and feel shame for the things that I’ve seen and done. I tell you this because I think it might matter to someone. The struggle that I have is daily and I’ve learned to believe that I do matter and what I have to say is important. I write most of the time strictly for myself. It’s cleansing for me to put my feelings down like this. Am I a writer? Yes! I push past all the feelings that I’ve talked about each time, knowing that if it’s not perfect, that’s o.k. What I put on here is an extension of me, it’s baring my soul for all to see, so it does matter. I matter.

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I think many that struggle with mental health issues share a common bond. We all feel as though we’re less than. We want nothing more than to be seen and heard, to be included as part of this world. I’d like to believe that we as humans can take notice of those that struggle and offer something. It doesn’t cost you anything to be kind, that’s a great start. A smile is easy and free. Asking how someone is doing and actively listening when they speak. Take a moment out of your busy day to do things like this and you could be the one that makes a difference. Donate to shelters, volunteer your time to food pantries, support these organizations with your dollars if you have them to spare. All of this can move us forward and possibly save a life.

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My story is complex and ugly at times. A single person saw my struggle and turned my life around. Had I remained on my road of Silence and Secrets, I fear I would’ve given up at some point. Please, hear my words and be the reason that someone decides to keep getting up each day. Be the change in someone’s world. While May is Mental Health Awareness Month, remember that for many out there, every month is awareness, every day and minute.

I’m here if ever needed. I’ll listen to your story, and do what I can to validate your feelings. Stay strong!

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Empathy Over Exclusivity: My Perspective

May 2, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I took some much needed vacation recently and headed West. The California coastline is a favorite for my wife and I. The seemingly endless beauty that the state has to offer is a calling to my restless soul. I found myself sleeping better, enjoying the many sights and sounds, along with dreaming of a way to stay there forever. Reality sets in when you wander the neighborhoods and see the fliers that are curbside with homes that are on the market. Millions of dollars just for the asking price and then you have to consider the inflated costs of maintaining said properties. It’s fair to say that this particular area of the West coast offers everything, but only to the chosen few that have the means to support such beauty.

Why is it that the most beautiful places on earth are only for the wealthiest? Don’t get me wrong, I find beauty in many of the areas that I frequent in my own part of the country, and I find ways to enjoy things with little to no cost to them. Keeping things “exclusive” is a way to keep others away. Those that might drive the fanciest cars, or wear the finest jewelry. People that use coupons and think through their routes based on how to conserve gas because of the rising cost. It seems that in this country there’s a price to pay for anything. I’ve always felt this way because I learned in my prior life that “Nothing in this world is free.”

While planning this trip, I decided at the last minute to upgrade our flights to first class. This was the second time in my entire life that I went the extra mile and paid more for a ticket to fly. Why you ask? Because I wanted to see how the “others” live. I wanted to experience having just two seats side by side with easy reclining to them, rather than three jammed tightly together and my knees bruised by the end of a flight because the person in front of me decided to recline. I wanted to experience the extras that are given to those who can afford to pay for them. The extra service, food, and luxury. Having my bags fly and tagged as “priority”, with no extra costs. (although it’s included in your ticket cost) Being guided to the front of the line when entering the plane and looked upon as if royalty. While on one hand it was an amazing experience, I couldn’t help but think, “I don’t belong here.” I’m just an average human that struggles like everyone else to get through life. It’s not because I don’t work hard, nor is it because I’m lazy. Some parts of this world are just roped off to the chosen few. I’ll explain further.

We visited a cute little town in the upper part of Michigan. One of the things that my wife and I like to do is walk about and see what the town looks like. I like to explore areas that have unique architecture and take notice of old world neighborhoods. In this particular town, we wandered into an area that had a gate of sorts. It wasn’t blocking you from coming in, but it was stated clearly by signs everywhere that not everyone was welcome. There were even signs telling you to stay on sidewalks and don’t venture anywhere else. We decided to walk through the area because you could see from a distance that the homes were spectacular and unique. As we walked through the area, you could feel the prying eyes watching your every move. You knew that you were an “outsider” and not welcomed. The perfect lawns, sculptured hedges and multiple high end vehicles in the drives were setting the tone of who could be there. The area, while beautiful became ugly in my mind just because of the feel that it had. The true ugliness that it carried on it’s perfect streets. We moved on after just a short stroll through.

This is something that I’ve experienced throughout my life. A poor kid that grew up shopping at the local A&P store, mixing up powdered milk when there wasn’t enough regular milk to get by on. A kid that found his way into the underworld, guided by people that promised a better life, food to eat, power through threats, and strength through intimidation. When I tried my best to get away from this life, I found that the world was still not very welcoming. I was judged by my zip code, by the school that I went to, and the lack of the best clothing. I made it a personal fight to prove those that would hold me back that I was just as good as them, perhaps better. Nothing had ever been handed to me, I struggled for everything. I appreciated any small amount of money that I could squirrel away. I toiled over second rate vehicles time and time again so that they shined like new money. Again, I appreciated everything.

I’m not saying all of this because I hate anyone that was born into a world of privilege. It’s not their fault that they were given things that I could only dream about as a kid. What I take issue with is that as they grow, they don’t notice those that do have to struggle. They’re comfortable sitting in that first class seat and looking down at the others that have to shuffle by and squeezed together in discomfort. I find fault in people raising these children to become adults that are good with glaring at others they feel don’t belong in their neighborhood, or gating them out so that they can’t share the beauty of their town. The beauty of this world was meant to be shared, it’s not just for the chosen few. I take some comfort in knowing that while many of these families might have everything beautiful around them in a physical sense, they don’t have what the rest of us hold onto dearly. We have empathy. We see others in this world and want to share the beauty and joy that it offers. We strive to bring others up that struggle rather than walking past them in some kind of ignorant bliss.

First class might offer more room, a better meal and standing at the front of the line, but the journey was still the same. I still would’ve made it to my destination, I’m good with bringing my own snacks. I don’t mind being with my people. We are many. The kid that always felt like he belonged on the outside of the beautiful has found a way in. It was a struggle, it was a learning experience, and it was hard, but I appreciate all of it that much more. There was a time that I felt like I’d sold my soul to stay alive, yet I persevered. I’m good with using coupons and not having the best of everything. I’ve become comfortable in my own skin. While it makes me sad that there are still so many parts of the world that are held out of reach to myself and others, I don’t feel that I’m lacking. I loved my trip, my vacation, my time with my bride. I enjoyed our experiences, our sights, and our memories. When all is said and done, I think that I’m the richest one. There is no holding me back, no roping me off, I’ll find beauty wherever I may roam.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Transforming Empathy: A Journey from Selfishness to Compassion

April 19, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

When does something matter to you? Are you the type of person who focuses solely on yourself, and maybe your immediate family? Perhaps you’re the kind of person who looks at things on a broader scale and has empathy for those around you. I’m always curious about what others think and feel, that’s why I’m asking. When I was younger and around drug dealers and street thugs, I found that none of them cared about anything outside of their own being. I kind of slid into that way of thinking because I was so focused on just surviving. As I’ve progressed through my life, my thoughts progressed as well, so let’s explore that.

Being in the business and watching my “boss” make loads of cash with all the freedoms in the world, it was appealing, especially to a very young teen who hadn’t had a chance to really get a view of the world. I knew of nothing other than a very closed group. Life didn’t exist outside of that bubble. It was so bleak that I never felt that I’d live past the age of 30. I was all about the here and now, the instant gratification, the quick buck! What I found was once my eyes and ears opened to some people who came into my life, I began to realize just how big the world really was. I began to see things from a new and exciting perspective. While it didn’t sit well with my boss, and believe me, he tried with all of his might to keep me held back, under the iron fist. It was only a matter of time before I broke free of this closed minded thinking.

I’ve been writing about this in my upcoming book and how I started to “transform.” It would take many years to really break out of the shell that I’d created, but my thinking was always open to possibilities. I went from thinking that I was nothing, to believing that I could do anything. While I kept all of my secrets about my “prior life”, I still managed to keep an open mind. Talking to others, learning about what their fears were, what they might have gone through in their lives, and how they struggled. So much of the suffering that went on and still goes on is so preventable. Losing yourself in the shadow of another is what happened to me. I’d lost myself, become a non-entity who had very few feelings for others. I spent my time building an empire for someone who had me believing it meant something, that I was special. Mobster mentality if you will. You are meant to serve the powers at the top without question.

In these times of uncertainty and struggle, I find myself reflecting on what I’ve seen and gone through and likening it to the times that are before us now. This in turn makes me look at people around me once again and raise the question, “Does anyone even care?” Have we as a society lost our way, and possibly our soul?

I was mowing my lawn yesterday and my neighbor pulled into his driveway. He hassled me about mowing my lawn and thus “forcing” him to do his in order to keep up. We both chuckled and then had further discussion about things going on in his life. His wife was in the hospital again and he was having issues with his knee. He was still smiling and saying how he wished things would be better so that they could travel but had started to believe that would probably never happen due to health issues. It was a moment of pause for me. I’m still healthy enough to do as I wish and travel freely. I felt something right there and then for his situation. What could I do to show that I cared? Well, I started up my mower and began mowing his lawn. He didn’t ask me to do it, or even ask for help. I made the choice that was clear to me. It was the right thing to do. I felt for this man and just wanted to show that I cared. It didn’t take much time and when he walked out and found the lawn mowed, he smiled from ear to ear. He asked why I’d done this. I simply replied “because I wanted to.” He then said, “you didn’t have to do that, but I appreciate it.” There was nothing more that needed to be said. This is what humans are supposed to do, it’s what we’re supposed to be like. It doesn’t take much to apply what someone else is going through to your own thoughts and then offer help. Step outside of your bubble and experience things as others might. It’s why I always try to be kind to people who are perhaps having a rough go of it. It costs nothing to be kind. A smile or acknowledgment of someone can go a long way.

I don’t have all the answers to the world’s problems, but I do care about how we humans continue to form our society. I’d like to believe that there are enough of us out there that we can see through the eyes of others, feel their strife and possibly do something about it. So, then we get back to my original question that I posed: What kind of person are you? Think it through. Ask yourself what kind of world you want to live in. Are you happy? Do you feel anything for others in this world? I once was cold and the way I viewed the world was sad, unforgiving, full of hate and greed. I’ve worked hard to clear that away and see everything, and everyone. I remain hopeful that we can all find our way through in the coming years. If we can’t, our future is bleak, and uncertain. What are you willing to do about it?

As seen through the eyes of Zombie, and now Robert.

Thank you so much for following me on my journey,

~Robert~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

writing

Pushing the negative aside

The cost of silence/Finding your voice

The Connection Between Self-Esteem and Personal Value

Understanding Emotional Healing: The Science of Music

Finding Peace Through Ghosts From The Past

Why It’s Okay to Cry: Lessons from Childhood Trauma

How a Typing Teacher Inspired My Life Transformation

Finding Hope in Darkness

Empathy Over Exclusivity: My Perspective

Transforming Empathy: A Journey from Selfishness to Compassion