I’ve been sitting here working on my book this evening. Decided it was that time…time to hop over to the blog and shake the bad feelings out. I’m torn with my book. I love writing it because I’m getting things out and processing them as I go. The problem is that some of the things that I’m processing aren’t going so smoothly. There were a couple events that I just typed out that are still just kind of festering. I’m struggling a bit with sleep, at least good solid sleep. Strange nightmares and feelings of regret. I told my sister that I’m looking forward to getting through the worst of the stuff, so that I can start writing about the rest of my life and finding my way out. It makes my typing that much quicker and focused. I want to just dump all of this out of my head and onto the computer. I’ve reached out to my counselor, as she stated after our last session that she’s only just a call away. I know when it’s time, and it’s time. I also see the opportunity to further my disclosure to her. As I’ve stated in other blogs, she knows more about me than pretty much anyone on this planet. She won’t judge me, and will help me to find a way through, which is what I always desire. Just simply a way through.

The other area of struggle is being seen, or heard. This is a common theme in my blogs because of having to be silent for so much of my life. I was made to hide away everything, and in doing so, you become kind of a gray man. You just blend into the backdrop. It was required earlier in life, not anymore. So, when I have these moments where I don’t feel that I’m seen, or heard, I panic. It fuels agitation and negative thoughts. Being dismissed by another is one of the worst things that I can ever experience. It makes me want to just scream, “look at me when I’m talking!” As you can imagine, there are many in the world today that can easily just look right through you. At the store, restaurant, work, doctor’s office, pretty much anywhere. People that engage solely with their cellphones also get directly under my skin. I think how hard I’ve had to work to be able to climb out of my shell, only to find that so many out there want to crawl back into a shell. I’ll never understand. There’s no great happiness in being so secluded.

The book is coming along quickly. I’m still feeling good about having it completed before the end of the year. I’ll reach out to some that are part of my past to see if they’d be comfortable with me using their given name, or if they’d want it to be switched. I’m writing it with the given names because it’s much easier for me to just let things pour out with the people that were a part of my life and then go back later and switch names. It’s kind of surreal reading back through all of it. I was just telling one of my co-workers the other night that I feel as though I’ve live a thousand lifetimes. They all feel like they’re broken down into sections. The things that have felt distant are now back in my face again. Intense.

One of the happy parts that I was writing about was my high school typing teacher. I wrote a pretty good section about her and so wish that I’d gone back to tell her how much she helped to shape my life for the better. There have been moments, and people in my life that I feel were placed there to guide me in a better direction. A road block of sorts. When I was at my most destructive and could’ve easily fallen deeper into the underworld, someone or something got in the way. In this case, it was a teacher that saw something in me. She took the time to see me, to hear me, to nurture my skills. One of the discussions that we had, I swear she knew everything about me. She was desperately trying to guide me away from the darkness. She made me believe in myself and that there could be a better life for me, I just needed to focus on it. Again, she arrived at the perfect time and made a change in me that altered the course of my life. Teachers are a gift. They have the ability to find people that have been lost in life. I’m not going to say that she made everything perfect, but she gave me a chance. She gave me what I needed at that particular time in my life. Had I not encountered her, and had she not noticed me, things could’ve been very different now. My ability to sit here and type this blog out is because of her. My ability to be writing this book are thanks in part to her. I’m grateful for having her in my life.

You know that I like to wrap things up in some kind of positive fashion, so just remember that I do see and hear you folks when you speak to me. I enjoy the many conversations that I’ve shared with so many now. I’m grateful that people seek my wisdom from a life lived. This is how I think humans should be. We need one another whether we want to believe it or not. I might have a bad day at work and say that I hate people, but really inside, I don’t. I’m not saying they’re all good for me, but they might be for someone. I take my wife’s advice and try to remember that there’s good in all of us.

Thanks for following along

~Robert~