Staying True: My Tattoo Journey of Resilience

April 5, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

STAY TRUE…

These very words are tattooed directly on my knuckles. It’s a reminder that regardless of what the world throws at me, I need to remember who I am. I attempted to conceal everything about me when I was young. Mostly for protection of myself and others, but I was lost. The real me was trapped inside a world that didn’t want truth. It didn’t want me to stay true to the boy that was buried inside of me. All that was required was for me to perform at a level that pleased others. Put on the face of deceit and do as instructed. Being true was something that was only thought about from time to time. Once again it was looked upon as a form of weakness. To divulge your true self was not an option.

I sit and stare at my hands at times. I watch all of the lines that have developed over the years. The colors that have forged into my skin as time as gone by. The artwork of a gifted artist streaks across my hands and fingers. The precision and skill that was used to gift me with reminders of days gone by. They are also reminders to never let myself slip away. To be present in my day, in my moment. Colors that bring back memories, both good and bad. The skull that tells me that I escaped death numerous times already. The rose that shows promise for what I hope to achieve. “Just Run” is on the side of my hand. It reminds me that when everything else fails me, I need to just run. My savior, my safe place, and my guiding force came from running.

More inked skin can be seen over a good portion of my body. Some is spelled out for all to see and understand. Others are set in symbolism. A few of the latest are also reminders of my past. Things that I have overcome. Things that have given me my power back. All the feelings that I held inside for so long are now pouring out. I wear my emotions, fears and victories on my skin. Some of my tattoos are strictly on me for protection. Chasing away the demons that stalk me. I have a semicolon placed on my leg now.

“A semicolon tattoo symbolizes hope and resilience in the face of mental health challenges. It represents a pause in a sentence. The story isn’t over. This meaning resonates deeply with individuals who have struggled with issues like depression, anxiety, or addiction. This tattoo serves as a reminder of survival and the importance of continuing one’s journey despite hardships“

I decided years ago to take my life back. I may have paused, had my struggles with mental health and suffered hardships, but I’m still here. Close by the semicolon tattoo is the word “Survivor.” This one speaks to me each time a look down at it. Truly reminds me of everything that I’ve been through and at every turn, I survived. I never stopped pushing. Never stopped wanting better for myself and my family. Never stopped seeking the help that I so desperately needed. As you look further down my leg you’ll find the wolf, with two different faces. The darker side, and the one of light. Just above the faces is says “The one I feed.” I can choose to feed the darker wolf and go down the path of darkness. I can also choose to feed the wolf of light, happiness, and truth. I’ve fed them both at times.

I was asked recently to one day tell what all of my tattoos are about. These are just a few that cover my skin. Each is special to me and a part of my soul. It may seem strange, but I take my ink therapy seriously. I still remember my sister at one point saying “why don’t you put something happier on your skin?” It made me chuckle inside. She never really knew everything about me, because it was hidden away. There are glimpses of happiness on me. The beautiful owl that resides on my forearm is my bride, Karla. Same color eyes as her, wearing glasses, and a key slot in her chest. Elsewhere you’ll find the skeleton key that fits. The key to her heart.

I’ve often thought about having photos taken of my tattoos. I’d prefer them to be done in black and white, and perhaps add them to the pages of my book. My tattoo journey is not done yet, nor is my book. I’ll find my way to the finish. I’d like to circle back now to my original words, stay true. Since breaking free, I’ve learned to stay true in all aspects of my life. I want to present myself as a beacon of hope, strength, and perhaps wisdom. Staying true to both faces of the wolf I spoke of. There is a darkness within me, but I’ve learned how it can and has served me. I don’t allow it to overcome who I am, but to embrace it’s service. Living the life that I always promised myself I would. Free from control, serious danger, and those that would harm me. Free to love the one I chose, and know that she’ll be safe by my side. Free to speak about everything that I’ve been through with a level of pride. I survived.

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I say all of this because I want the same for all of you. Speak your truth. Stay true to yourself, and never let anyone sway you from it. I believe that I’ve referred to your voice as your truth before. It’s so powerful. Protect it, nurture it, let it grow and shine. I’m not saying that you should all go out and get tattooed…lol! I am saying I want you to live, and do so freely. While I went for my long walk today I just allowed myself to be. To look at my aging hands and know that wherever I roam, I’m truly free. I’ve learned to stay true…to me.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

The Power of Silence: From Secrets to Healing

March 15, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

My gosh, it’s been almost two weeks since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been ready, I could feel things building up. There’s a difference between “wanting to write and needing to write.” I’ve reached the point that I need to. I had to ponder all the many ideas that I’d like to discuss. Taking a nice long walk today assisted in getting things into perspective. I had a nice conversation with my sister yesterday about our childhood and that always sparks feelings. I sheds light into the “why” I act the way I do. It also reminds me of the years of silence. I’ve decided to lean into the silence topic and give the different meanings to the same word. How I’ve gone from being made to be silent to silence with purpose. Let’s get into it.

My childhood was chaotic. I’ve shared so much of it on here. I feel everyone should know all the intimate details by now. I’ll give the “cliff notes” version for anyone that is unaware. I grew up in a poor family that struggled to get by. My life became very complicated early on when I found myself getting drawn into a life of darkness. A friend of my fathers befriended me with promises of a better life. Easy money was offered to just study humans. (That was the original hook) From there things escalated into moving shipments around the neighborhoods. Collection of debts soon followed and the person that original seemed so kind and caring became something different. He finally showed his true character and made clear to me that I’d be forever in this system. There was no way out. I wasn’t allowed to speak of anything that I was doing for him, ever. I couldn’t tell my family or friends as they would surely become targets. Lessons on how to act and what to do were a regular thing around this man. I feared him. This is where silence became my life. The book that I’m currently working on is called “Silence and Secrets.” (my journey to breaking free) Silence became such a natural thing. As time went on and I escaped this life, I was lost. I remained silent.

The years that I spent around this man were formidable ones. My learning and thought process was not like a “normal” child. I was unable to connect to others because of fear. I could never be found out, I could never let anyone know what I was really doing. I was scared that someone would come to harm me, or worse, the ones that I loved the most. I struggled with relationships because I could never truly let someone see me for who I am. Friendships were based on nothing. One of the things that I was taught is that nothing in this life is free. Also that you are to trust no one. Stop for a second and think that through. As a child, and that’s exactly what I was. How would you process this? These were the rules of the streets and you had to follow them or you were no longer. When my “boss” finally showed his true self, I remember thinking; I just want to go home. The words came out of my mouth. His reply was “if you don’t follow what I’m saying, you’ll never go home.” From that moment on and for most of my life; sleep would never come.

Fast forward to my adult life. All of this hiding in plain sight. All of this silence, all of the secrets. They finally started to deteriorate me internally. Nightmares were a very regular thing. Sleep was broken into small segments. Rage was the order of the day. I was a trained voyeur and street prowler that had been set free to roam among the normal ones. Dealing with anger became almost too much. I had so much stuffed away that needed to be released. I needed someone to see me. This person came in the form of a counselor that I’d been taking my daughter to. We would have discussions after my daughter’s sessions. One day, she asked if I wanted to come in and talk about me. The immediate reaction was one of terror. My mind raced wondering how I had let my guard down. How did she know? Yet my answer came from another part of me. The word “yes” fell from my mouth so quickly that there was no way to recover it. This began a journey that I’m still on today.

Now, when the word silence comes to mind, it’s more of a “be still.” In my brain when things trigger me, I hear noise. Things become almost impossible to sort out and old ways of dealing with it form. There’s a comfort to falling into the old ways because they were practiced for so many years. It’s easy to lash out, or become violent when it’s what you know. People respond to hostility. They conform when they’re faced with darkness. That is what I learned growing up. Now I know that people respond to kindness, empathy. I never wanted to be the person that was feared. Looked upon as a bully, an enforcer. I simply wanted to be seen and heard. I wanted someone, anyone to hear my cries. My insides were begging to be free. I think I’m finding that now. Silence now is my time to reflect, to breathe. Silence means something clean…no longer a dirty word. Silence is peace. Peace is what I seek in my journey through life. I’ve seen how things go on the other side. There is nothing good there. Silence and secrets in the darkness are unimaginable pain.

Through the years and sessions with my counselor I’ve learned to be true. True to myself. I’ve had to face all of the things I’ve been through and look at them honestly. The hardest thing to do while sitting in front of a wonderful human was to say that I forgive myself. I carried the burden of my youth so long that I owned all of it. I never thought it was someone else that harmed me. I didn’t even realize that I was considered trafficked until very recently. “Forced to do things by threat and intimidation.” My eyes are clear now as I lean into my 60th year on this planet. I’d like to believe that when you look into my eyes now, you see happiness. The sorrow that once hid there is gone.

Zombie is still a part of me. Zombie was a term that came about due to my continual lack of sleep and odd working hours. The name, or persona (Zombie) represented the darker side of me. When I first started counseling I wanted to be rid of all the darkness. I wanted to be free of the “abilities” that came with it. I learned that while these were formed in darkness, they served me throughout my life. Some of these abilities serve me to this very day in my life. I’m still forever watchful, careful, assessing people and places. It never shuts off, but I’ve learned to embrace it. In order for me to be whole and move forward in peace, I have to accept who I am. So, when I say that I’m forever Zombie, there’s truth to that statement. One part cannot exist without the other. Darkness and light. Silence and Stillness. The art of breathing and being still.

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These past weeks have been full of numerous events. Some very challenging, others are more learning who I want to be going forward. “Progress, not perfection.” I may seek perfection, but I’m good with progress. My path needs to keep roaming forward. I often talk about the boy that hides within me. The child that wanted to grow up “normal.” I carry him with me everyday and nurture him. Zombie has protected him from death, and now it’s Robert that needs to give him peace. This is my final challenge. I have accepted it and will see the child that I was flourish in the light.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

p.s. This system once again has made me water down some of my original writing. It’s disturbing to be “Silenced” by a computer generated system that obviously doesn’t understand human behavior or context.

The Power of Being Seen: A Personal Reflection

February 28, 2026February 28, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’ve been sharing my blog site with more people around me of late. My thought is that this gives them a better idea of who and what I am. It also gives them time to reflect on parts of their own life. They might also view things they’ve never thought possible. Either way, I’ve reached a point that I wish to share my story with a broader audience. For those that have just joined, welcome. I’d also like to thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read through my past. I appreciate you reading my current thoughts and dreams for my future as well. Some of the things you’ll read can be very raw. I write based on my emotions, and they tend to pivot. So, hold on.

Recently, after sharing my blog site with some co-workers. One of the women told me this; “I knew when you walked through the door that you were different.” She shared that God had shined on me. She also stated that during my most difficult of times, God was there and protecting me. There was more that was shared in a back and forth conversation. However, the idea that she “saw” me as I am triggered something. There have been only a few in my life that were able to see through my shield. They saw the person that was hiding inside. The idea that someone could look at me and know that I’ve been through the shit, blew my mind. It immediately made me want to sit down and write about it, and here we are.

I’ve always believed that people that are damaged seem to find one another. As I said, there have only been a few that spotted the “real” me right from the start. I’ve had some that were curious based on my mannerisms. They’d poke and prod trying to get to the core of who I am. My counselor was one of the people that spotted me. I’d been taking my daughter to see her for some time and after one of her sessions I was approached. She asked if I’d want to come in and discuss more about myself. I was totally caught off guard. I agreed to see her and we’ve been working on me for a minute now. There have been times that I needed to go weekly. That has now dropped back to more of “as needed” sessions. Much of my past has been dug up, examined and placed in neat order during this time. I’ve learned much about myself. It was only within the past year or so that I’ve really moved forward. Writing on my blog was a huge step. Being able to openly discuss what happened to me has been cleansing. But never did I expect for someone to just state that they already knew, without ever reading a thing.

This made me pause. Was this spiritual person gifted with second sight? I’ve heard of people like this, but I’ve never experienced it in my own life. I’ve talked about my struggles with faith, yet remain open to a higher power. I’ve also talked about the moments in my life that I swear someone, or something stepped in to guide me. People have been placed in my path that turned me in a better direction. I’ve talked numerous times about my going to bed one night and waking the next as a different person. I literally turned my life around based on nothing more than waking up with a conscience. Feelings so new and raw that I had to change my path. I woke from the darkest fog to discover a life that was actually worth living. I felt pain for everything that I’d gone through and for everyone that I’d hurt. Did this woman see these visions as well? I need to know more about this.

Throughout my early years I’ve worked diligently on hiding in plain sight. I kept my life and the darkness hidden from my friends and family for most of my life. I spoke very little of my time in the underworld until now. No one knew, or so I thought. Each one of these encounters has promoted deep thought. With Amy I always figured that there was something I was showing without being aware. I felt the same when this co-worker stated that she knew my struggles. The me of yesterday would be horrified. Staying hidden was a must. Stay out of the light, blend into the woodwork. My job was to be the voyeur, but to never be discovered. Had I met this person in my “previous life,” I would’ve steered clear of her forever. Where I’m at today, it brings me hope, and perhaps some peace. I can speak freely with her. I know that she is not judging me. She sees my curse as a blessing. She feels that my journey can now help others. That is what God’s plan is for me. To let others know that they too can survive.

I talk all the time about the desire to be seen and heard. To have my voice matter. To have someone tell me that “I see you, I’ve always seen you” touches my soul. This gentle, caring human sees me. Not only sees me with all the pain that I carry, but as a light. It’s almost too much to think about. The seeker of light to be looked upon as light? Just wow. Jeremiah 23:24 – “Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see them? declares the Lord.”

While I know lately I’ve bounced around with my topics and some have been on the sad side. I want you all to know that I’m still in a good place. This topic, and this discussion this past week made me feel whole. I often wonder what my purpose is for my remaining days on this earth. I’ve finally learned to forgive myself for my transgressions. I’m still working on the boundaries between Robert and Zombie. I embrace Zombie’s abilities. His gifts if you will. I’ve tried for so many years to separate myself from the darker side. When in truth, the darkness has served me well enough to keep me alive. I now have to learn about this light. For there cannot be one without the other.

I’ll continue my journey. The work must still be done to find balance. There will always be moments that will test my resolve. I’d like to think that I’m prepared to handle them. For those out there in the world that see me, truly see me for everything that I am, thank you. I no longer wish to fade back. My pathway is now forward. I’m told that my path is paved with love and light. I truly hope that it is.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

Robert/Zombie

Chasing Retirement: The Truth Behind Work-Life Balance

February 22, 2026February 23, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I have several topics that have been floating in my brain for a minute now. I’m going to start with one and see if it leads into the next. I’ve had some interesting, and at times sad conversations about life in the late stages with other humans. The idea of retirement and the pursuant of the dream we all seem to strive for. What does that look like for you? Is retirement even on your mind? Things have become complicated in our lives. Rather than focusing on the finish line I find that most are worried more about just surviving. The vision of the “golden years” is not what was sold to us. I feel that it’s more of a fable. Based on these recent conversations and how I’ve viewed people close to me in life, that’s my current stance.

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During my travels at work the other day I happened across several different humans. At each of the stops, I was greeted by big smiles and curiosity about who I was. This turned into more conversation about our time with our employer, life goals, future plans and of course, retirement. Oddly enough, each of these individuals was around my age. They both had several years with our employer. We got into the usual things such as what do you do, how do you like your job. That turned into “when do you want to leave.” The “wanting” to leave vs the “ability” to leave is where things get sketchy.

My wife and I have formulated our best plans on what we’d like to do. We work hard and save everything that we can. I’ve often joked about the employer’s retirement. It’s like a carrot on a string. They keep moving it, so I continue to chase after it. I feel like when I might be in a good position, they change the rules to the game. I think we’re all aware the Social Security and all that comes with it is no different. The game is rigged so that we all continue on this never ending wheel chasing the carrot. The hope is that we never reach it. This way, no one ever has to pay you for your life’s work. They ignore your dedication over your lifetime.

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There are many that work bell to bell and just get by. There’s no safety net, there’s no help to be had. They just struggle to keep afloat. Retirement is not even a dream for them, it’s only something that they hear about. Something that the lucky ones get to enjoy. As I stated at the start, these conversation were intriguing and all seemed to happen within the same day. It was like I was being sent a message to talk about this from the universe. One gentleman stated that he would never see retirement as he got a late start with his current employer. He was doing well now, but it wasn’t always that way. He stated that he prayed to remain healthy enough to keep things going for he and his wife. Health issues had crept into his world and even with good insurance, it caused stress. The guy traveling with him was much the same. He wanted to retire one day but wasn’t sure if he’d make it to retirement age. This stirred my insecurities that I’ve carried with me throughout my life. I’ll never forget the feeling of being hungry or cold. I’ll never forget the road I had to travel to stay alive. The thought of somehow falling back into that kind of worry made my stomach turn. Their stories mirrored one another in so many ways. They were wonderful to speak with and I felt honored that they chose to share so much with me. I hope they find their way in the world and the world is kind to them. I think we all know that it’s hard for me to believe that. I see things through the eyes of Zombie when it comes to these matters. The world is cold and cruel. The reality is that employers don’t care about you. The government cares even less.

The next conversation was with a co-worker that was concerned about reaching retirement. She too had concerns about her future plans and health. As we grow older, things tend to break more often. We also find ourselves dealing with problems that may have been caused from the way we lived earlier on. I often joke. It’s not my age. The mileage on my body is my nemesis. This conversation left us both feeling a bit sad. We have good paying jobs and are doing what we feel is right, but there are still worries. Again, I go back to the whole “golden years.” We should all grow old and happy. We should be healthy with enough money to finish out our life. I’ve seen people dedicate their entire career to an employer. Unfortunately, their retirement was taken away due to poor management at the company. I’ve also seen people simply outlive their money. They somehow managed to stay alive for so long that they ran short in the final stretch. My feeling is this. There has to be a balance to all of this. Is it mathematical, or just a crap shoot? Do we spend all of our waking hours working until we just drop? These are the questions that plague so many of us. Coming from nothing, I view it like this. I know how little I truly “need” to maintain myself. I can survive on very little. While I’d like to be more comfortable in my final stage of life, I’m not greedy. Desires, wants give way to needs. Indulgence gives way to survival. It may sound harsh, or perhaps sad but it’s my view.

I have lived much of my life in a haze of darkness. I desire nothing more than freedom. The temptation of riches means nothing to me. Living in excess is not where I find my happiness. I’ve seen those that worshiped money. I also know what they were willing to do to get it. Unfortunately we all need something to sustain our existence in this world. The question just becomes how much is enough? I’d like to move away from my job in the not so distance future. It’s a means to an end, and nothing more. It doesn’t feed my soul, it only provides money in trade for my time. Life is outside of the doors, or gates if you will. Things that matter are beyond the reach of my employer. I learned long ago that loyalty in business is a one way street.

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The final conversation is probably one that hit the hardest. It made me think of people close to me. During a discussion with this person, he shared something personal. He had a friend at his previous employer who had worked there for 40 years. His friend had grand plans and had finally reached retirement. As a result of all his years working he had a nice pension in place. He was ready to do all the things. Getting on the road and seeing all that he had missed. Visiting people that he hadn’t seen in many years. Spending time with his family. All of these things were sacrificed during his time at work. There was no happy ending here. The gentleman that I was talking to stated that his friend had some health issues right after retirement. Just like that, he was gone. He stated that he was going to his funeral in a few days. “It just doesn’t seem fair” he said. We both became silent for a moment. I told him that I wanted to escape such a fate. I wanted to do as much as possible before my time was up. I wished him well and told him to find his way to retirement soon. Don’t suffer the same fate. As I walked to my car I began to think, how is this even right?

I’ve shared memes with my sister’s on many occasions about not living at work. While I consider myself to be a hard worker, I draw a line when I feel it’s necessary. If I died tomorrow, the flag will not be lowered, my position would be filled by another number. Nothing would stop running because of the loss of one person. The world would keep going. That is the harsh reality. What would matter is that the ones the know me, that care for me would be hurt. I’d like to think that I gave them enough time while still here. I’d like to think that my words, smiles, jokes all mattered to them. Time is a precious commodity. Find that balance and plan your escape. It’s fine to work hard, but never put what’s important second.

Whatever your golden years look like to you, I hope you find them. Remember to find your balance. Trade only what you want to your work. Hold the rest close and cherish every moment. I’ll continue on my journey. Seeker of the light. Creature from the darkness. I’m forever Zombie.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

Sketching My Life

January 19, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

There have been so many occasions now that I’ve been inspired by music. A song that I’ve listened to a thousand times could one day flip a switch. Today was such a day. The song that I speak of is called “Silhouette of a life.” As I listened to this somewhat haunting melody, I had visions of someone sitting at a drawing board sketching. They were sketching out a silhouette. Inside of this silhouette were all the events of my life. It was as if they were drawing at my guidance. Each item inserted into the silhouette was a part of my life. The good, the bad, everything.

When I have moments like this I just close my eyes and let my mind wander. It’s like taking a journey within myself. Seeing things that have made me smile, passing by events that I wanted to wish away. As I travel, I feel compelled to start writing. To try to explain my feelings, to share my visions, and to expand my silhouette.

Music has always been a strong influence on my being. When I’ve been alone in the past, and even now as I sit with music flowing throughout the room. I let the sounds guide me. There have been times that I’ve felt it was my my best friend. There have also been songs that became my drive when I felt that I couldn’t keep going. Then there are the moments that a song can just strip everything away to reveal the core of your soul. It can touch you so deeply that you just begin to cry…today was that day.

My silhouette is not what some might envision. It’s still mildly distorted. Being that I struggle with my own being, it’s hard to see a silhouette of myself. The silhouette is almost busting at the seams with “things.” I feel as though I’ve lived numerous lifetimes already. Even with that being said, I still have a desire to keep going. To continue to fill these hard, dark lines drawn out. Each movement I make in life adds a similar movement by the hand that draws the picture. When I look at the picture I can see the inner struggles. When I’m struggling, it’s as if the hand quickly scribbles left and right. When I’m strong, the hand moves with precision. Starting each picture with conviction and strength.

These are also the moments that I so wish I had the talent to draw. I do my best to share my visions with words. Sometimes I think it falls short. I think the feelings that I’m having today make me wonder. Am I once again the voyeur? Am I standing beside the artist, directing the drawing? Is it me that is in control of my life? So many thoughts on all of this. I’ve felt at times that I was a puppet on a string. I moved at the direction of another. Never really in control of anything. So, today was an interesting turn of events. I’d like to think that it’s another sign that I’m coming into my own. Getting stronger within myself. That perhaps now I’m the one who’s hand I see drawing.

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The scene that I’ve painted in my head today makes me smile through tears. To be able to see something that to me is so beautiful and freeing. When you’ve walked the dark streets and became saturated with defeat, this moment matters. I’m breaking free! I’m actually starting to believe that I’ll be alright. While I can see so much darkness in this silhouette, parts of it are amazing. There are still portions waiting to be drawn out. I’m not done yet. I have the strength now to guide the hand in a manner that I wish. No more of the scattered, or scribbled lines. Smooth, precise, beautiful scenes of life. A life that I’ve taken back.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Finding Your Light: New Year Reflections and Growth

January 1, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

While relaxing after a day of work last night; I started thinking about the new year. All the festivities being previewed on television. All the hype and excitement for a “fresh start”. While 2025 was at times a challenge, and the world is far from great. I did my best to focus on that light that I always reference in my blogs. That light at the end of a tunnel. The sunshine gleaming through the clouds. The light that has guided me on so many occasions in my travels. I come from a world of darkness, but I’ve always remained a seeker of the light.

In times of desperation, I would always tell myself that no matter how bad things got, I’d find a way. That remains in place to this very day. I’d hold onto catch phrases, or lyrics from a song. Something that may seem so mundane to most meant the world to me. Just the idea that “Good will always prevail over evil” meant something to me. I had to believe that it was true. That I wouldn’t be stuck in my own personal hell. I wouldn’t be trapped in a life of abuse, or trauma. “Look for the light” became kind of a mantra. As I’ve stated previously; it came in the form of other humans. It also came in nature. When I was at my lowest, and felt that I might give up, a walk in the park changed my life. I found a reason to wake up another day. The magic of nature was there for me. Yet another road block placed in front of me. One that would keep me from going back down a dark path.

I often wonder what others feel about the new year when it comes knocking. Is there an excitement to it? Do you feel good about leaving the previous year? If so, does that truly give you a clean slate? I’ve always felt that whatever was bothersome to you in one year could easily follow you. Demons are always willing to travel, be it through space or time. The shadows are ever present and wait patiently for you to become vulnerable

Do you wish for newness in the new year? Are you seeking some new adventure? I look to the new year with my usual stance. I’m “cautiously optimistic.” I’ve already stated that I’m the seeker of the light. You know that will continue. What other “things” will come my way with this passing of time? As I age, I’m more aware now than ever that my body is truly crumbling. Things that I have no control over are teasing me with my timeline of mortality. No, I’m not planning on dying anytime soon. I just have items that I’ll have to address and put all of my strength into as I move forward. The new year brings new challenges.

I like to reflect over the previous year. I do this so that I don’t feel it was a total waste. I can’t say that I wish it away. There were moments in time that I’d never trade away in 2025. Whenever I’ve felt that it wasn’t the best year, I simply look back over pictures that I’ve taken. It’s a quick reminder that not all was hopeless. Not all was so bad that I need to kick 2025 aside and just forget it. Here’s something to think about from my past that might help. When I was alone. When I was kept from speaking with my family about so many different things. When I felt that life would always be a struggle. I never wished time away. I did whatever I could to make each moment important, or special. Not every waking moment was traumatic. There were sprinkles of hope, laughter and love. There was always that light. There was always the drive, that desire to make sure that I mattered in the world. Even the simplest task in your day is something to celebrate. Things that you’re doing right now could be something that another is just wishing for. Don’t become complacent in your life…not even for a moment. As my typing teacher said to me after our last meeting. “Robert, live your life, live your life now to the fullest.” There’s that light I was talking about. She rose to the moment and reminded me that my story wasn’t over and I needed to celebrate it. I, in turn want to share those same words with all of you. Live your life, live your life now to the fullest.

As you step forward into 2026; take what I share with you. Hold onto your moments and cherish all of them. Don’t wish time away…it’s the only life we get. Don’t wish to get to your days off, make each day something special. I promised myself that I’d do something each day, for me. It didn’t matter if it was for just a few moments, or the smallest task. What mattered is that it was for myself, and could never be taken away. When you’ve spent as much time as I have closed off and alone; each day is special. If you are worried about the coming year. Look for the light. It will present itself, you just need to be aware and open to it.

I wish for all of you to discover in this new year. I also wish for you to find the happiness that we all want. Be a seeker. Be present in every moment. If you do this, I promise your time on this earth will improve. That being said I want to share something I found on a social media site.

“I promise you can still make a beautiful life for yourself even if you lost many years to addiction, abuse, mental illness or trauma.”

Yes! You can make a beautiful life for yourself…I’m living proof.

Happy New Year to everyone.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

The Gift of Connection: Celebrating Love and Life

December 25, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

As I sit here on the Christmas day, I stop and pause. How lucky I am to be in this home. I’m warm, I’m loved, and I find myself wanting for nothing. Nothing more than being able to continue on my journey of self discovery. Taking the time to seek peace, while passing through the darkness of my past. I’m truly humbled.

From the child that was lost and unsure of life, to the man that I’ve grown to be. I often wonder how I ever made it this far. I can say with great certainty that it wasn’t an easy road. There were moments that I wanted to give up, but something inside of me wouldn’t allow me to. No matter how dark it became, I kept searching for the light. I’m forever grateful to the many people along the way that guided me, listened to me, and noticed me. However I refer to them in my writings (Ghosts, Angels, Humans) they were are all special to me. Each provided something I was seeking and kept me on my road towards serenity.

I share all of this with you today because I’ve been moved yet again on this morning. My wife sees me for who I am. She gifted me a couple of shirts that lets me know she understands me. She knows my struggles better than most and is still able to love me…just the way that I am. She celebrates my victories and sits with me during my struggles. I don’t have to say anything to her, she knows. When you find that kind of connection with someone in your life, it’s truly a gift. There again, I never in my wildest dreams thought that I’d find someone that I could be so open with. That I could trust so completely. Yet here I am.

I take nothing in life for granted. I learned long ago that anything in your life can be snatched in the blink of an eye. Even your life itself can be taken away instantly. It sounds dark and ugly, but it’s truth. Truth is something that I always share in my blogs. So, on this day of worship, I’ll wrap myself in the love that surrounds me. I don’t need to step into a church to feel this way. My church is all around me. I celebrate my life and my rebirth. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I’ll stretch out my wings and fly.

I hope that whatever it is that you do today, you are at peace. I hope that you surround yourself with those that see you, and hear you. Most of all I hope you are loved, on this day and everyday going forward. I thank you all for your unwavering support of my writing, for this is truly my passion. Happy Holidays to you all.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Inner Drive: The Power Behind Your Daily Hustle

December 21, 2025December 21, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

What motivates you? What is it that drives us to get up and get things done? This can cover numerous topics; from work, working out, schooling. There are endless things that make us hustle. I happened across a saying in my travels that sits with me. “I have to work because I can’t fuck up. I don’t have anyone to fall back on. I am the back-up plan.” Once again this was something that had an immediate impact on me. Where I came from, there was no other way to make it other than to out hustle everyone. To put all of your trust in yourself. I carry a patch in my backpack that I carry for work right now that says “Believe in yourself.” Is this the person that you trust the most…yourself?

I trust in myself first and foremost. When you’ve spent as much time as I have secluded, you change inside. The world that I come from was one of hustle, but also of deceit. There was no one to rely on to keep me safe, that had to come from me. There was no one to motivate me, I had to seek it. My travels have been well documented on here. While I felt that life was going to be short, or that my future was bleak, I still sought better. I kept looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I woke up each day looking for a way out of the maze of insanity. While I learned to hustle to stay alive, there was something else. What is that inner voice that makes you push?

I wake to each day looking for ways to better myself. Whether it’s in my performance at the gym, or my running/walking. I desire better. I view my work life in the same manner. I go to my job, work my hardest each day. I don’t do it so that I can move up. I’ve never considered myself a ladder climber. I do it because my inner voice says “get on the hustle!” Every single thing that I do is to feed my own desire. I’ve talked about the disappointment that I feel when I don’t meet the goals that I’ve set. If you’ve spent any amount of time with me, you can pick up on my energy. Some find it to be too much, while others question my motivation. I think that’s why I chose to talk about it tonight. It also was a fitting follow up to my “Seeking Perfection” blog. They tend to walk together.

I’ve encountered others on my journey that I see the same kind of push within them. Some have shared their views and I’ve found that many came from similar backgrounds. Some kind of traumatic happenings earlier in their life. So, perhaps it’s a trigger of sorts from the trauma? I don’t know. I can tell you that whenever I think back to being a hungry kid, it cranks my intensity up. I’m so scared of not being able to feed myself or my family. My memories are so vivid and the feelings in the pit of my stomach have never gone away. I know what I did at that age to make the pain go away. I hustled.

Where do you see yourself on this spectrum? Do you look at life from a competitive angle? Do you want to surpass others and sit at the top. “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” That’s on an office sign as part of a collection that a previous employee gave me. There’s truth to the statement, but it’s not my kind of motivation. Do you just want to glide through life as easily as you can? I’m always curious how others think. There’s room for all of us. No two humans are the same. I won’t judge you for your choices, but I’ll probably never understand you. Much like many of you will never understand me. Just know that if you see me doing “things.” I’m feeding my own brain, my own soul. I’m not doing it for any kind of glory. This is part of my seeking. I’m seeking the best version of myself, and still feeding the boy that resides inside of me.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Seeking Perfection

December 14, 2025December 15, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

It’s been a minute since I’ve been able to sit down and get back into my comfort zone. When I tell you that I enjoy writing, it’s for real. All the many things that go through my head that I wish to set free. There’s also the need to finish out thoughts from conversations. I listen to pretty much everyone that takes the time to have an open discussion with me. If you remain open to others, there are things to be learned. That’s something that I learned early. Being trained as a voyeur is not always about what you see, but also the conversations. I take all of this information and process it. The end result is a person that is driven to seek not only truth but the best way forward. My desire for perfection is strong. Like my ability to figure people out, it can be considered both a blessing and a curse. Let’s see if I can reach others with this one. The “need” or “desire” for perfection.

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As I stated, my training early in life was about watching and picking up on details. I learned to notice the smallest things. The study of humans started as a tween and has followed me my entire life. This is one of the many skills I acquired. I consider it to be helpful at times. People have a way of showing you who and what they are without knowing it. The subtle “ticks” that they have will allow you to figure things out about them. Focus too much and it can be maddening. There are times that I just want to be and not assess. This is where the struggle comes in. I have a strong desire to “stay ahead”. This is so I can’t be harmed. Because of this, it’s rare for me to shut down. Back in the day, seeking perfection was a way of staying alive. You can’t show a weakness or someone will exploit it. The armor is always on, and while the weight is tremendous, allowing a slip was deadly.

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Moving forward, these subtle ways of managing life carry into other areas. Everything from the way you keep your home to the relationships you’re in. You have an expectation of yourself that is set at such a high level, it’s almost not obtainable. Imagine those around you when they stumble into your world. I say all the time the humans are flawed. I’m very aware of my shortcomings. I take ownership of each and every flaw that I have. The pressure that I place upon myself to get beyond those flaws is where I can get into trouble. There is literally no one that can come down on me harder than I do with myself. This is an area that I’m still working on. Attempting to free myself from the shackles I’ve placed on my own being.

I started this blog talking about seeing things through the eyes of Zombie. How I’ve viewed life as this voyeur, night crawler, sometimes demon. I’ve opened up my life to all of you. I hope that others will find a way through their own struggles. While doing this, I’ve started my own path to healing. I continue to discuss many topics that I feel can be useful and therapeutic. I see others that struggle with trying to keep things “perfect.” Anything from trying to manage their professional life, to perhaps just having a birthday party. The desire in us to please ourselves as well as others in our orbit can be draining. What is it that makes us this way? When did it start in your own life? This is something that I ponder when having my own thoughts about perfection. Not everyone experienced the type of trauma that I did growing up. So what was it that turned this on in their brain?

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As I’ve aged, there has been a certain amount of wisdom that came about. I’ve learned that I physically can’t be “perfect.” The body is going to do what the body wants to do. I’m quite certain that I’ve had numerous discussions with my body about how it treats me…lol! While my brain says “hey, get your ass moving” the body does it’s own thing. I’ve also learned that all of this seeking of perfection is just too much. Exhaustion is usually the state that I find myself in. Don’t get me wrong, I still push, and I still use the abilities that I have. I’ve just learned that I’m not superman. I’m also not entirely the “Zombie” that I once was. Zombie was relentless in the pursuit of not only perfection, but survival. I’d like to think that I’m beginning to find a balance in all of this. As discussed with my counselor, I “embrace the darker side of me now.” I use the abilities/skills that I’ve acquired from the darkness to continue to survive. I also work towards being gentle with myself at times. I asked myself the question the other day after work…”what does perfection look like in your mind?” It’s not something that I can picture. The reason for this is simple, there really is no “perfect.” Striving to be my best and accepting my flaws is the direction that I’ll travel now. I won’t always be the best at something. I can’t win every battle. My new version of perfect is finding balance. Allowing others to teach me as I go forward in life. Once again that young boy inside of me that always wanted to be invisible. The one that sat quietly studying, watching, listening, and learning is still there. He’s asked that I finally take a step back and breathe. That being said; I digress.

Keep life in front of you. Seek love and light. Be strong in your convictions, but also take the time to be gentle with yourselves. These are all things that I knew very little of earlier in life. Learn from the lessons Zombie has put forth…and just breathe.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Life…The Long Walk

November 24, 2025November 24, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

There are moments that come about that spark something within me. Strike a nerve if you will. It can be from a casual conversation, a song, a movie or just random thoughts as I wander. Tonight, I was struck by something that was said during a movie. I invited my sister Leanna over to watch “The long walk.” It’s a Stephen King novel turned into a highly anticipated movie. We’d discussed watching for awhile now and finally had the chance. It did not disappoint, but it triggered feelings, and perhaps clarity.

I won’t get into the movie as I don’t want to spoil it for anyone planning on watching it. I will tell you that It’s set in post-apocalyptic times. That alone is something I have nightmares about all the time. Teens are made to walk until there is only one of them left. The two main characters in the movie talk about life while doing the long walk. They discuss how they came to be in this race. They also talked about what they wanted for their future if they won, and so on. The one character was getting upset as the miles began to climb and things became uncomfortable. After he expressed his frustration, the young man next to him advised him. He said he needed to gain control. “You’ve only been out here for a short time. How can you go complaining when you’ve only just begun? I’ve been doing the long walk my entire life.” As he went on to explain his childhood, or lack thereof, the gravity of his emotions grabbed me. I felt what he was saying. I’d been on the long walk as well. Always looking for a way to survive. A way to remain invisible so that I wouldn’t bring unwanted attention to myself. While this was a fictional movie, the message was clear. His life was harsh. He found himself on this long walk as way to a better life. Yet, he made the choice to always survive. To love rather than hate. To cherish friendships over seclusion. He wanted a better world not only for himself, but for others around him.

I found myself full of emotions. Tears welled up in my eyes and thoughts of my life started running wild. While I know where I’ve been, and know the things that I’ve done to survive. I’ve always looked towards hope. I leaned into survival at every turn. Along with these thoughts. I began to feel the connection to my current need to always be moving. My long walks that I cherish so much. This movie showed these young men walking as a way to survive. Staying at a set pace, moving through the miles, they could never stop…or they’d die. I’ve been on this road. I had to keep moving in order to stay alive. The promise to the winner was to be granted a wish. Anything that they desired would be granted, if they were the lone finisher. The winner, the survivor.

My walks now are a time of reflection. A way to shed the weight of the world. A time to remember where I came from and what I’m capable of. A step back in time, as well as a glimpse of my future. I’m still on that long walk but it feels different. I feel that I’ve shifted from the character in the movie that was full of darkness and driven by anger. I’ve become more of the one that chooses love, light and happiness. I think I always have, I just hadn’t realized it until now. Even at the darkest times, I wanted to find something better. I was thirsty for what others had, and drank in all of their positive energy. I held onto those that would make me feel better inside. All the while I was still on my long walk. These were the humans that may have carried me when I felt exhausted. The humans that looked after me when I felt no one cared. They were on my road making the long walk right along with me.

Life is a long walk. It’s full of peaks and valleys, rain, snow and sunshine. It wears your body down, but fills you with energy at the same time. It forces you to make choices and do things that are frightening. It test you with temptations and gifts you with all beauty of the world. The long walk is our lives. When we stop, we die. We don’t stop in the dramatic way depicted in movies. Instead, when we truly stop trying, pushing, striving, caring, and loving, we die. I learned tonight that while my journey early on in my life was dark and sad at times. I’m still here, still moving, still walking. I’m still alive and that’s something to celebrate. I want to be the one that cherishes what’s left of my life. Cherishing my loved ones, my friendships, my tribe.

The long walk is for all of us, step wisely. Hold onto hope and never quit. Reach for that finish line and be the survivor that’s granted your greatest wish. Until that day comes…I’ll see you on the road, of life!

~Robert~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

writing

Staying True: My Tattoo Journey of Resilience

The Power of Silence: From Secrets to Healing

The Power of Being Seen: A Personal Reflection

Chasing Retirement: The Truth Behind Work-Life Balance

Sketching My Life

Finding Your Light: New Year Reflections and Growth

The Gift of Connection: Celebrating Love and Life

Inner Drive: The Power Behind Your Daily Hustle

Seeking Perfection

Life…The Long Walk