I find myself coming to this place more and more often. I find comfort in letting my feelings spill out onto the screen that I gaze at. I turn on some music, grab a comfy chair and start typing. This is truly a place of freedom. Unfortunately, that freedom can be censored by Open AI at times which doesn’t sit well with me. There have been several occasions when I’ve typed up my blog only to find I’m unable to get past the AI bot. It feels “something” about what I’ve written doesn’t fit inside “policy.” Tell me what about our lives fits inside a policy? Life is messy, it’s dangerous and, at times, heart-breaking. Perhaps this deep dive into AI is not the answer to all of our prayers. Perhaps it’s just another way to keep us from being human.

There was an “event” that happened in the state of Minnesota recently. I wrote a poem about said event only to have it deemed too much for the blog. This event was ugly, full of sadness and death. Something that has once again left this country reeling to find its true soul. You can have it blasted in your face by so-called news outlets 24/7 but please, for the love of all that is holy… don’t speak of it in a blog. That appears to be a bridge too far. <insert eye roll>

There are parts of my life that I’ve wanted to share on here. Pieces that were so harmful to me that I hid them away from everyone in my life. Things that took me most of my life to come to terms with. When I finally found a way and a place to type them out, I found myself censored. I can’t even describe the frustration I feel. It happens when I’m finally capable of saying something, only to have my mouth covered again. Anyone who’s experienced trauma knows that being shut down is like reliving the pain all over again.

I’ve stated so many times that my biggest trigger is to not be seen or heard. When I come to this place I do so with the intention of being heard. I want to share what has happened and how I’ve navigated everything. I want others to learn from my mistakes. To learn to be gentle with themselves in times of strife. When I take the steps forward to come out of the darkness, I need to feel the light. I don’t want to be sent back to where I came from. It defeats the purpose. To heal means that I need to unload. Writing is a huge part of my healing process. I need this space and wish it to be free from judgment. The last thing that I need is artificial “intelligence” telling me to stop being human.

This makes me wonder how long I’ll have this platform to speak from. What will I do next? Will writing a book be enough? Will I be able to have all that I’ve put in said book pass any obstacles that come forward? I think of this all the time. I’ve hit a stall in the writing of my book for these reasons and other life events. The story will be told. If I have to type everything out myself, I’ll do it. I will print each page on my own. People need to see and feel the rawness of life. I don’t want the watered down version. I want you to feel the events just as I did. To stand in the moment and feel everything. That’s what good writing can do. Just like with my sister when I had her read through the first parts of my book. She read it and just sat there, unable to articulate her feelings. She had to wait and process it before she was able to respond. Why? Because she was drawn into my world for a little bit and felt everything. I’ve said before that it’s a story that needs to be told. I just want it told my way without the interference of an overanalyzing super computer.

I appreciate the audience that I’ve gained over the years. I also appreciate the conversations that my writing has inspired. The thought-provoking feedback that I’ve received. I mean that. I’m able to carry on and keep writing because of this. There are days that your stories and feedback are what get me through the day. I’m also glad that I’m able to inspire at times. That I can reach someone who has been waiting for a spark. Perhaps someone who was sitting in the dark in the same fashion that I was. The outstretched hand helping another to stand again. That’s powerful and humbling all at once. I love what I’m doing and will always find away to speak truth. From a poor kid who struggled to be someone, I’ve found my niche. I’ve never felt more at home than I do when I’m writing. I hope that I can continue to find a path to all of you as we move forward.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~