Understanding the Depth of True Friendship

January 20, 2025 / Zombie / 1 Comment

I recently had a request to discuss friendship. (Thanks Sherie) It’s been a couple of weeks since the request and I think that I’m ready to do a deep dive into it. Friendship is something that I take pretty seriously. Even at a young age I was critical about my choices of who I wanted to spend my time with. There were always a few out lying “hanger-ons” that were in with the same group I spent time with, but that didn’t mean that we were “friends.” Although I enjoyed the group that I ran around with in High School, the bonds were not such that I maintained a relationship as life progressed. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t like them, it just means that our time was done.

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“Friend” is someone you have a deep, personal connection with, sharing trust, loyalty, and significant life experiences with. An “Acquaintance” is someone you know casually, with limited interaction and a more superficial relationship, often only sharing basic information about one’s self. I believe this is the best description of the two that I could find. As I stated in my one of my previous blog entries, I have my own way of assessing people that are around me. Once I have an idea of who and what they are, I may allow them to gain closer access to me. I think we can all agree that I’m this way for very obvious reasons. If you follow my blogs, then you totally understand why I’m so guarded. I’ve had discussions with people over the years about the difference in friendship and acquaintances, and it has brought about some interesting conversations, some of which were slightly heated. I’ve been accused of not “valuing” people. I’ve also been told that “I’m nothing special, so why do I act like I’m all that?” That comment makes me snicker when I think about it now. No, I’m nothing special, but I do have barriers set up to keep people that make comments like that very far away from me. As for valuing people, I actually do. So much so that once I’ve made a solid connection with a person, I’m fiercely loyal and protective of them. Just because I don’t feel the need to have a few dozen people around as “friends” doesn’t mean that I’m lacking.

I have some true friends that have stood the test of time. There are some, that for whatever reason, we maintain a close connection even though we may not speak for months at a time. There are also some that are thousands of miles away that have been around since my childhood, know much of my life and still keep in touch regularly. I have my sisters, while considered siblings, are very much best friends to me as well. They love and support me at every turn, and I do the same for them. My wife, Karla is still my best friend. While she may not always understand me, she allows me to be myself. There are times when I feel like we’re worlds apart and that she’ll never understand me, but we always seem to find a bridge that connects our worlds. I hope that that never stops. Extended family. When I married Karla, I got a whole new fresh set of people in my life. I’ve found them to be genuine, caring, and thoughtful people. Not something that I was used to growing up. There were a few, but the qualities that these people have makes you want to be around them. Shout out to my “friend” in the family Cristi. Cristi is my sister-in-law and has the kind of vibe that makes people gravitate towards her. She’s “real” and you can feel it. She listens to me and gives great feedback on my blog postings…lol! Her daughters, Kate and Chloe are the kind of humans that give me hope for the world. I’m honored to have these people in my life. See, I really do value people!

There are people at work that I enjoy having conversations with. We share much of our lives and explore all of the frustrations that come from our work place. There’s a certain level of trust that comes into play in these types of environments. In so many work places there are people that are always looking to get a leg up and at any cost. Again, most are pretty easy to spot and keep in check. This is one of the areas that makes me grateful for the past that I’ve lived. I’m accustomed to watching and assessing people, and I do just that in my own work place. The body armor is always in place and I’m forever watching. While I treasure relationships that I’ve had in work places in the past, no one has stood the test of time. Once I’ve left the place of employment, the people that were a part of it become a distant memory. Remember the poem “Reason, Season, and Lifetime.” They were all part of a reason, or season, the lifetime are the ones that I spoke of above. There’s always the possibility that someone could end up in the lifetime from a work place. There is currently a single person that has stayed as a close friend from my current employer. Although she’s moved on to another job, we still have that friendship that can pick up right where it left off. She too reads this blog and we’ve shared some amazing discussions. You know who you are…lol!

How do you assess people that are in your orbit? What is the criteria that allows someone to find their way into the “circle of trust?” I do have the ability to gain new “friends.” I recently became good friends with my former yoga instructor. Who would’ve thought…right? She too has that “it” about her. When she speaks, you want to listen. For me, that’s huge. I’ve never felt threatened in any fashion by her and we both have developed a level of trust that makes it easy to discuss anything. What is it that you seek in a friend? Do you have the same types of walls that I’ve put up over time that keep so many from ever getting close to you? I’ll be honest, had it not been for my amazing counselor, I don’t think that I would’ve been able to forge new relationships at this stage of my life. There are so many that I feel nothing towards and can barely remember their name. I know, that sounds horrible, but it’s honest. The life that I’ve lived has made me what I am, like me or cast me aside.

Focus on this topic and have discussions with those around you. Share life events, or feelings with those you trust. Work on building strong bonds with the ones that you feel are worth the time. There are still good people out there. Take it from someone that had always believed that most people are shit. If I can find a way to form friendships, I know that you can to. The payoff vs risk is worth it, in the eyes of Zombie.

I’ve added the poem Reasons, Seasons and Lifetime below if you missed it before.

Thanks for following along,

~Robert~

People come into your life for a reason,
A season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will
Know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a
REASON, it is usually to meet a
Need you have expressed. They have come to
assist you through a difficulty, to provide
you with guidance and support, to aid you
physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to
be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your
part or at and inconvenient time, this person
will say or do something to bring the
relationship to an end. Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they
act up and force you to take a stand. What
we must realize is that our need has been
met, our desire fulfilled, their wake is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered
and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a
SEASON, because your turn has come to
share, grow or learn. They bring you an
experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never
done. They usually give you an unbelievable
amount of joy. Believe it, it is real.
But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and
put what you have learned to use in all other
relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is
blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Do We Ever Really Know Someone?

January 10, 2025January 12, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Once again this came about through numerous discussions. Do we ever really know someone? It’s an honest question that deserves to be looked into. I’ll share my feelings and then just leave the rest up to all of you to ponder. My take may be a touch different because of my background, but I’m sure there will be some similarities. Along with my thoughts of life and death, came the ever nagging question that I’ve posed as the title of this blog, Do we ever really know someone?

I’ll take a quick trip into the past to give perspective on why I feel the way that I do, or at least why I feel like I do at times. When you’re in the darker side of life and doing things that run well below law abiding, you need to be, or present yourself in a certain manner. The reason is simple, you want to stay alive. I’ve shared before that I was trained to be an observer of other humans. I was also taught to show nothing about myself. What I would show others, was only what I wanted them to see. I was able to roll through my entire high school life without a single soul knowing anything about me. Stop and think about that for a minute. Put yourself back in Junior high or High school and think about how people were. How social, how tight different “cliques” were. All the things that kids are supposed to do at that age. Now imagine being part of something so awful that if you so much as whisper a word of it, you could die. That’s what I carried back in those days. I had to put myself out there as a quiet, shy, ordinary kid. I find humor at some of the things that people wrote in my yearbook. They really had no idea, because I didn’t let them know.

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We all have it in us to be less than truthful. We use our skills acquired in life to hide, or perhaps shield others from truths. In my case, I didn’t want to be truthful because there could be harm brought to anyone who might know my position. “Loose lips sink ships.” Loose lips also get people killed. I became a nonentity. Funny how even now at work I always tell people around me that I’m “nobody.” There’s truth to that statement even though I’m smiling when I say it. I learned to fade into the backdrop, to not be seen, to blend in. If I felt that someone was getting too close, or had a feeling that they might suspect something, I quickly got into the wind. Deception is something that is used, especially in the surroundings that I found myself in. These blogs are probably the most honest things that have ever come out of my body. There’s healing for me in writing all of this. You’re getting to know Zombie a.k.a. Robert. In some cases, for the very first time.

So, do you feel that you really know a person? Are you close with your family members? Perhaps you have a best friend that you tell all your secrets to. Do you feel that you really know one another? I’m not trying to make everyone paranoid, it’s just something that has come to pass in my journey in this world. I think deeply at times and this is a topic that intrigues me. Why do we not want others to know everything about us? My counselor Amy knows the most and we still work towards a full disclosure. I know that with more time and work, writing, I’ll be able to spill all that needs to be spilled. As I age, I process things differently, so there’s hope that I can see things through a fresh lens.

How about this. I’ve always said that when you meet someone, whether it’s social, work related, or a dating prospect. The person that you meet at the beginning is the “representative.” They’re most likely showing you the very best that they feel they can be. It’s a show of sorts, acting. I like to wait and see what they do when no one is looking. How they interact with others, especially when they’re comfortable. Listen intently when people talk. You’ll hear much of who they are in conversations, especially as time goes by. How they view the world and others is important. Let’s not forget animals! If someone hates dogs and cats you need to run, not walk away from them…lol!

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Being a voyeur who was trained to pay attention to subtle details of other humans has gifted me the ability to spot frauds. In some cases I spot them and just allow them to be in my general area. It’s more of a “I want to see how far they’ll take things” action. There are some who, when I spot them, I call out right to their face. It’s a dangerous practice, and can lead to altercations, so I’m mindful about doing this at this point in my life. There are people who I feel have genuine goodness about them, and I want them in my “orbit.” Time is the key to all of this.

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You see, humans are so very fascinating. The way in which we socialize and maneuver through the world captures my attention all the time. I feel that it’s only fair that if I’m constantly assessing people around me, that I should be more open about myself, and here we are! This is what I’ve learned over the past few years with my counselor. I must embrace the darkness that has served me in my life. I am learning to accept some of my “abilities” that I’ve acquired as a part of me, rather than trying to distance myself from them, or erase my past. I’m also learning to show other humans who and what I really am. I know that not everyone will understand, or perhaps not want to be around me, and that’s o.k. While I do this, I try to bring attention to all the things that make me who I am. How I question everything and why I’m always guarded with my feelings. I think in the end, if you ask the question “do we ever really know someone?” If it comes to me, I’d like the answer to be, Yes.

Thank you for following along on my journey…

~Robert~

Embracing Life: Finding Joy Amidst Mortality

January 3, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Big topic today. This has been rolling around in my head a bunch. I wasn’t really sure how I wanted to approach it because I have views that not everyone will be comfortable with. The topic is death. Well, life and death. The approach that we take to things during our life and what influence it might have is a part of this. The end result is the same for all of us, we will die one day. What happens after that is open to much interpretation. I’ll do my best to get this to all make sense…so, hang on.

We roll through our lives at such a high rate of speed at times that it’s almost overwhelming. I do my best to slow things down and really take in all of the subtleties. That wasn’t always the case. I think we can all agree that when we’re younger, our focus is not so much on how long we’ll live, but how much fun we can cram into the shortest amount of time. The other side of that is that as we age, we find that we appreciate everything much more, including time, and our health. There needs to be a balance there of sorts. We need to stay young in our thinking so that we continue to try to do the things that make us happy. As adults, we tend to get caught up in the whole rat race and fall into ruts. Going through the motions of waking up, working, going to sleep…rinse and repeat. LOL! Now I know that things do go on in between that, but how much? What things are you still trying to do that make you truly happy inside?

I’ve always felt that work is nothing more than a means to an end. It provides me money so that I can pay my bills, eat and survive, so it’s kind of important. There was a point in my life when I was searching for some kind of “career”, and doing what I could to climb the company ladder. I found that it gave me no real satisfaction, in fact, it probably caused even more unwanted stress in my life. Trying to find the “it” that your boss was looking for. Adjusting your life to the ever changing whim of an employer is just exhausting. Do yourself a favor, do the job that is expected of you so that you can collect the check that you need, and nothing more. If you leave, or die tomorrow, the employer won’t give a rat’s rump. You’ll just be replaced by some other soul and the game will continue. I’ve always been willing to do what is required of me and I do it to the best of my abilities each and every day. That should thrill any employer on the planet. I show up, work hard, and I leave. I don’t create drama, I just get things done.

When I was younger, things looked different to me. I wasn’t sure that I’d make it past the age of 30 and that was actually a number a little higher than what I was really thinking. I didn’t enjoy my life that much and was always searching for “something.” Mostly a way out of the life that I’d fallen into. It was during those years that I was focused on surviving, yet had no fear of dying. I mean really, when you reach a certain point, dying is much easier than surviving. It takes a lot of work to survive in this world and you have to be willing to go through the struggles to make it. I had some friends, had a girlfriend or two back then, but nothing substantial. I was going through the motions and surviving. The change was coming though.

Being an adult and finding my way in the world became interesting. My desire to be a better person happened overnight and made a profound change in how I viewed the world. I always hope that others find a similar path, or at least some kind of path to change for the better. Being trapped in darkness is no way to go through this world. Once I’d parted ways with some of the folks from earlier on, I took steps to do things the right way. Once I discovered running, oh man! Everything changed for me. It was like someone had turned on a light! I’m quite certain that I’ve said it enough times to make everyone crazy by now. Running was the one thing that truly saved my life. Does that happen for everyone that takes it up? I don’t know. I do know that I’ve met some interesting people along the way who had stated that running had performed some kind of miracle for them as well. Some walked away from drinking, others quit using recreational drugs. Some had found a way out of an abusive relationship. Running has done many things for many people throughout my life thus far. “Running never takes more than it gives.” For real…

When out running, or walking, I’ve learned to really take things in. As I’ve stated before, I’m very much a voyeur in this world and running opened my eyes to things that were so moving, and profound, it could move you to tears. Sunrises and sunsets are always a favorite. Flocks of birds flying in unison can be remarkable. The sounds of the seasons…be it ever changing, each season has its own sounds and smells that must be taken in. These are the things that remind me of what an amazing planet I live on and how wonderful it is to be alive. I find every mile that I spend out on the road to be beneficial in some manner. I can leave all of my troubles or worries out there, and trade them for something better. It’s a gift to be able to run, or walk for hours. I look forward to every single time I walk out the door. Wondering what life has to show me today.

Now that I’ve thrown all of that out there. There’s a part of me that wonders how much time I have left. Is this mid-life crisis coming on? I’ve just had these feeling that I need to see and do so much, like it’s all coming to an end. I’ve not been diagnosed with some awful disease that’s prompted this, I just suddenly decided that it was time to really focus on all of the small things. Once I started having these feelings, I began reading articles that talked about the end of life. The most talked about thing that people said towards the end was “they wished they had more time.” I don’t even know how much time I have left at this point, but I feel that way already. Knowing that I still have to work to continue to support my existence makes me feel like it’s time wasted. I’ve worked hard on changing my perspective on this and trying to enjoy my job more. Not so much the job, but more the people that work by my side. I’m working harder on forming bonds with them – not something that’s been my strongest attribute. I’ve decided that if I have to be in the place, I need to make it a better place to be in. An extended home if you will. Don’t ever do the math on how much of your life you’ve spent or are spending at work, it’s depressing…lol! Yeah, I did that.

Along with these feelings about my end of life, I wonder what impression I’ve made, if any on others. I keep a pretty small circle around me, so it makes me wonder what, if anything will be remembered about me. When I leave this earth, will anything that I wrote touch someone after I’m gone? Will the conversations that I’ve shared stay in someone’s memory until they to leave this earth? I know it’s heavy stuff, but you really can’t manage how and when things are going to pop into your head. Here’s a hard one to explain. I’ve always felt that we truly walk this earth alone. I think at this point that was brought about by the damage that I suffered earlier in my life. Keeping so much of myself silent and hidden continues to bleed into so much of my thinking. I want to break that feeling and cherish all of the small things. If I’m at work, I want to have good, meaningful conversations with my co-workers. I’d like to perhaps leave my mark on them, so that when they no longer have me around, they’ll speak kindly of me and perhaps share a story of my silliness. I want this with my family as well. We’ve spent so many years fractured, that I want to make the best of whatever’s left. I think I can get there.

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Reason, Season and Lifetime. This is a poem that for many years I had on the front of my refrigerator. It has to do with the different ways that people come in and then go out of your life. It gives perspective, and reassurance that they don’t always leave your life because of something you did. They simply served the purpose that they were meant to. I’ll drop it on here:

I feel that this poem helps me to understand many of the relationships that I’ve had over the years. It also gives me vision for how some of them might end in the future. There are so many things that I still don’t understand. The only thing that I’m sure of at this time is that I want to live the rest of my life to the fullest. The loss of my mother was a changing point in my life as well. She lived with so much regret about her own life that it made me sad for her. My father was much the same. He chose to push away so many who were close to him that when he became immobile, he was bitter at the world, and felt that no one was left to care about him. Watching them in their final stages of life gave me pause. I needed to change directions so that I wouldn’t have the same fate or feelings. Death will certainly find us all, but we can do our best to dance and sing until it arrives. Be joyful in our own skin, and walk each day as though it really matters…because it does.

In closing I’ll just say this. Nothing is more important than your happiness. Find what it is that truly makes you happy and go do it. Talk, laugh and sing with those that you surround yourself with as often as you can. If you must sit at work, than do everything you can to make it more enjoyable for yourself. It might even carry over into others. Who knew that work could be a fun place to be? When death comes for me, I want to smile at it, and say it’s alright now, I’ve done everything that I came here to do.

I’ll see you on the other side…

~Robert~

My Path to Healing

December 15, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

This has been a busy week on the counseling front. I managed to get in two sessions within a couple of days, which was very helpful. I said some of the worst things, out loud, and in front of someone else. I have a witness of sorts to some, but not all of what I’ve gone through. Conversations that I had that torment me to this very day. Threats, manipulation and grooming were items covered. I had to look within myself, honestly and speak truth. I sat before someone that I’ve grown to trust more than just about anyone in my life and emptied my soul. She (Amy my counselor) has listened without judgment for years. She’s seen me regress at times, shift back to a child at moments, and has guided me through so many dark alleys. She has never wavered in her support, and has always believed that I’d be whole again, safe from everything. Her words have stayed with me when I’ve felt myself slide backwards. It’s been there when I stopped believing in myself. It’s been there to teach me to that what I really am through all of this…Is a survivor.

The emotional toll that trauma can have on the body and mind can be tremendous. There have been times that I’ve left her place and struggled to even drive myself home. On numerous occasions, I’d leave there and go to Meijer and just walk around. I’m not sure why, but there’s something about just doing an “ordinary” thing after such discussions that grounds you. It brings you back to the present. It’s become kind of a joke when I say that I’m doing my post therapy walkabout at Meijer. Some sessions can be so intense that I just really need to shut down and breathe. When I talk about going to therapy/counseling with others, I like to say that I feel everyone could benefit from time speaking with a trained professional. It’s true. We all have secrets that we hide. Secrets that are possibly causing further damage as we age. Secrets that need to reach the surface, be looked at safely, then put away in a manner that will serve our mental health in a positive fashion. In some cases, secrets that just need to be shared so that an objective person can explain clearly to you that it was not your fault. Free you of the burden of having to carry such things around for the rest of your life.

I’ve learned much sharing space with Amy. I’ve learned to pay attention to my body when I’ve been triggered. To pay attention to my breathing and try to be present with it. I need to be kinder to myself and above all, forgive myself. One of the things that I’ve learned of late is that my darkness, along with abilities that I’ve gained through life events have served me well. They’ve kept me alive when there’s no reason that I should still be walking. They’ve given me the gift of sight…the ability to see things that most would never pay attention too, both good and bad. Almost like an intensified vision. I believe that I’ve referred to this before as being a witness to events in the world. I’m seeing things because they need to be seen, or witnessed. Rather than always looking at myself as bad, or evil, I just look at all of it as just a part of me. The two wolves become one.

I don’t know where the rest of my life will take me, I can’t see that good. I know that there are still things that could be discussed, but for now, I’m going to just be. I know that Amy is just a phone call away, and for that, I’m grateful. I don’t want to fully rely on her, but rather accept the tools that she’s gifted me with. The idea behind sitting with her has always been to walk on my own again. I don’t fear falling down as much as I used to now. I also know that if I do fall, I can get back up and will be alright because I choose to. Life is full of choices, Lord knows that I’ve made some interesting ones during my younger years. Through all of it I’ve remained driven to be something more. To be better…always. Even during the darkest of times, I was driven to find a way through, then out! It’s no different now. I make choices each day to continue.

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I always copy Amy in on everything that I write. I’m guessing like many of you, she’s fallen behind. Sorry folks, I have so much still to write about. I think I needed to take this time to say Thank you to her and have all of you as a witness to that. She’s a humble and gracious person and I’m sure doesn’t expect anything like this. There have been a couple big moments in my life that were life altering. Two of the biggest were this. The day that I went to Pearson park to walk and decided to start running. I’d gone there originally with all kinds of wild ideas in my head. I wasn’t sure if I could see a path forward at that time and the next thing you know, running found me. I’ve had a wonderful relationship with running ever since that day. The second was meeting my counselor, Amy. She saw something in me that I couldn’t, or wouldn’t see in myself. She guided me down roads that I didn’t want to travel, only to come out on the other side a better person. She’s sat with me while I cried, both tears of pain and joy, and listened to everything. It’s these moments, people, events that have made me see that I have value. I don’t think that I’ll ever be alone again.

Until we meet again…

~Robert~

The pursuit of peaceful sleep

December 11, 2024December 11, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’ve been referencing sleep, dreaming, nightmares and the eyes in quite a few of my blogs of late. Sleep has been a distant memory for me. I honestly can’t recall when I slept soundly, or without some kind of nightmare shaking me awake. I’ve learned over time to adapt to my situation by just simply learning to fall asleep whenever I have the spare time. I guess that I don’t feel there are really any rules when it comes to sleep. We believe that our bodies should lay down when darkness takes over the sky. In a perfect world under ideal circumstances that might be the case. For many of us “night crawlers”, it’s a different way of life. Darkness might mean we become recharged, or perhaps some even anxious. There are so many reasons for sleep issues, so I thought I’d take this time to talk about it.

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I do have a few memories of being very young, and resting peacefully on the floor in our living room with my blanket covering the heat vent. The warmth that it provided was so comforting. It didn’t matter if I had a pillow or even cushions to rest my body on, I was comfortable, and sleep came easy. I’d do a similar thing in the summer months by taking a sheet, placing books on all corners of the sheet, and then on top of the fan and turned on the fan. It became the most beautiful dome of cool air. I’d climb inside with my head towards the fan and just drift away with the sounds of the fan and the cool breeze blowing against me. Each of these things were as though I’d built my own nest. A safe place to rest, with no worries and plenty of comfort. I think back on those moments now and realize how gentle I was, how carefree. Only beginning on my journey through life.

Fast forward some years and sleep became harder to find. Discomfort caused by insecurities. Worry and wonder as to where life was leading. It was no longer a thing to climb under my blanket and leave the world behind. The world had come for me and I was just learning how to deal with it. People and places were now changing the landscape of my childhood. Darkness was no longer just about the evening hours, but part of everyday life. It was during this time that I started to find ways to sleep wherever and whenever I could. I had to make sure that I was safe, and that was critical to being able to shut down. Think of watching an old Western movie where you have a cowboy out in the middle of nowhere laying with their head tilted on a log, perhaps by a fire. That’s kind of how I felt. You always had to have one eye ready, watching, able to react to the slightest movement or sound. The wolves were out and prowling all of the time, so you had to be ready. It’s at this point that sleep would become a very distant friend to me. One that would be greatly missed for many years to come.

I still have the habit of dozing off wherever I can. When sleep is not a guarantee, you have to maintain your body in some fashion. The best way to do that is to allow it to rest when a moment presents itself to you. There are no rules to any part of this game called life, and that includes with sleep. When I know that most of my sleep during the evening will be broken up by reoccurring dreams, or some other type of night terror, I do my best to find those moments. The moments when you can just shut down, even if it’s only for 5 or 10 minutes. During the Covid years I brought that back into full swing due to the unbelievable amount of stress and concern that the entire world was feeling. I’d go out and walk alone or with my wife and return home where I’d set out a blanket and pillow on the living room floor and just nap. Extra rest was needed during that time and since I was already in a deficit on most days, this was the best thing for me. If someone says that they can’t take a nap because then they won’t sleep at night, I always chuckle. There they are, trying to follow the invisible rule of sleeping at night. Yes, it’s better for the body if you follow that clock, but when other issues stand in the way, you do what you have to do to survive.

There are a few times that I’ve found myself able to sleep somewhat better. I tend to sleep better when we visit the Smoky Mountains. I’m not sure what it is…I guess it’s true that there’s some kind of magic in them hills. I feel more at peace there than just about anywhere I’ve ever traveled to. Knowing that my mother resides in the mountains is an extra added bonus. She can keep watch over me and make sure that I’m safe. I think that’s something that every person wants, or wishes for regardless of their age. Even with the turbulent relationship that I had with my mother at times, she was still my mother, and mothers mean safety. “Mother is the name of god on the lips and hearts of little children.”

― The Crow

One of the tattoos on my body is an eye on my right arm. The reason for this eye – it’s the ever watchful protector on my skin to keep me safe from harm. While I “shut down”, the eye takes over and keeps watch so that I can’t be harmed. May seem silly to some, but to me, it’s real. I’m finding now that as more of the ink penetrates my skin, I’m more shielded from those who would harm me. I have no explanation at least one that would make sense to most people, it’s just how I feel. I suppose we could look back to that child and the blanket, or with the sheet over the fan. There was something protective about that as well. A cocoon where slumber came easy and worries were set free.

The more that I write, I’m finding that parts of my anxiety about my life are softening. I want so much to shed all that I carry with me. I was talking about it today with my sister Leanna. While I felt stressed trying to explain events in my life that even she wasn’t aware of, I needed to try. I have to push everything to the surface so that the light can take it. With each word that I attempted, I became constricted in my throat. It was as though a part of me was saying “NO, you can’t tell this…it’s too much!” The many secrets leave me feeling so alone. While the fear of physical harm has faded, there’s a different concern that’s filled its void. How will I be looked at by those who surround me? Those who matter the most to me. I’ve shared so much with my wife and yet there are still things to get out. I feel so close… so close to freedom. I’ve thought that if I reach that point, I’ll probably drop and sleep for days on end. That child from so many years ago is standing there waiting for me. I can see myself, so small, so bright eyed and full of hope. So rested and carefree. Asking the adult me “when can we sleep?” I’m almost there, I just have this last bit to get through, and then sleep will come.

“Sleep is an essential part of life-but more important, sleep is a gift.” William C. Dement

I wanted to say in my close today that I so appreciate all of the discussions that have come from my writing. While I’ve always said that I write for myself first and foremost, I’m always hopeful that someone out there can relate. That someone will understand what I’m saying. I’ve expressed my desire for others to read these blogs and not feel alone, probably because I’ve spent so much of my life in secret, and feeling very alone. You can fill a room with people, and those people can care for you, even love you, but when you harbor dark secrets, it’s as though the room is empty the entire time. No one really knows me, but now you are all starting to. This has been a painful journey but one that I needed to travel. I hope that you find slumber tonight. I’m almost there.

Until we meet again…

~Robert~

Exploring the Depths of Dreams

December 4, 2024December 4, 2024 / Zombie / 2 Comments

Dreaming. This is a thought provoking topic that I think could bring about some interesting feedback. I’ve struggled with sleep for many years, but when I do sleep, I seem to dream vividly. I’ve studied books that discuss the meanings of dreams and pondered if things from the outside of my body have caused the subject matter, or just random thoughts being stored within myself. Lets take a look, shall we?

For those who may not have read my blog posting about my reoccurring dream, I’ll go back through it, and then move onto others that have been regular visitors. I have not had this one in awhile…which is a good thing because it’s the most terrifying and physically unsettling of all my dreams. I’m sleeping and can see myself sleeping in my bed. A group of people enter my home and begin to spread out to different areas of the home, while a female comes directly to my side and whispers in my ear. She’s asking where I keep all of my “stuff.” She’s looking for items that may have been in my possession during my younger years. She’s offering me death and doing so with such a hiss that I can hardly breathe. I tend to wake myself about this time and while I know that it’s a dream, I still don’t feel right. I need to do a full check of the home to make sure that no one is there. I check windows, doors and yards to be sure that what I regularly dream is just that and that I can lower my guard. I usually struggle to go back to sleep after this dream happens and that in turn, makes me more of Zombie.

I have another that comes on a semi-frequent basis. It involves winged demons that are flying around one of the homes that I lived in during my youth. They’re trying to penetrate the home, but struggle to get through the doors and glass of the windows. Some even stand at the door smiling, saying they’ll wait me out. That I’ll have to come out at some point and they’ll be there to take me away. I become so enraged by this threat that I open the door and begin to fly myself. A battle of good and evil? I don’t know, but it seems almost as though I was meant to fly in the dream. I soar quickly and with grace around the demons. It’s as though it’s become a game to me. Is this a reference to the life that I’ve lived? Have I dodged the demons for so long that I’ve become comfortable doing so? All questions that I’ve searched the powers of the internet many times for some kind of answers.

Another that I’ve had several times, and even as recently as last week. I’m walking through one of my old neighborhoods and it’s as though the shadows cast from dim lights are shape shifting into dark creatures. They whisper and speak to me, but I’m unable to understand what they’re saying. I’m uneasy in my dream, but I don’t fear them. One of the most popular Bible verses is applicable here: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me”. Psalm 23:4. There’s more to that, but this portion is fitting for my nightmare/dreams.

When I have discussions about my dreams, there are some who have thought I must be a seriously tortured soul. On a certain level, I’d agree with that statement. While I feel strong and confident, I also feel vulnerable to things that I don’t understand or can’t control. My thoughts at times don’t feel as though they’re my own. Things that appear in dreams make me wonder if I’m seeing visions from someone else. It’s as though I’m seeing and feeling things that someone else has experienced. Strange, I know, but stay with me. Dreams are made up of so much that we don’t, or can’t understand. When you have no say in the movie/visions that are running, it can feel maddening. Like you’re locked into a runaway freight train with no brakes. Take a moment to think through some of the things that you’ve dreamed over the years. I’m sure not all are this dark, but were you always in control? Were you able to get out of them on your own, or did you have to see the whole thing through? Do tell…

Dreams of lost loved ones. This is a hot button for sure. A short time after my mother had passed away, I had a dream that I was speaking with her. She was smiling and happy. She stated that she was alright and passed on a message I was to give to my sister Patti. I woke with tears, not so much of sadness, but rather happiness. I felt relieved that she wasn’t suffering and was smiling. I don’t remember the message I was to share with my sister, but I did as instructed, and it threw my sister for a loop. Was it really my mother speaking? I think it’s worth sharing at this point that my mother and I had a pact. It was that when she passed, if there was truly an afterlife, she would reach out to me and let me know. This dream has made me ponder the pact and the subject of dreams quite a bit since then.

I know there are those out there who dream clearly, and some who can’t remember anything. This is also puzzling to me. Why can some see, yet others can’t? Experts on the subject go back and forth and there are so many different views on this, it’s head spinning in itself. I try to look at each of them as some kind of adventure. A show that for some reason I’m meant to view. Perhaps visions that someone wants me to see? Again, all very thought provoking and interesting. What is it that you dream about? What fears creep into your subconscious and stir your soul? I look forward to the discussions that this brings about.

In closing I’m adding the poem “A dream within a dream” by Edgar Allan Poe

Until we meet again…

~Robert~

A Dream Within a Dream

By Edgar Allan Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow —

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand —

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep — while I weep!

O God! Can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Don’t Fix Me

November 28, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

People tend to want to help others, at least some of the time. Many of us have something built in that if we see someone in need, we reach out to them. This can be very appreciated especially when in crisis. The line gets blurred when someone decides that they can “fix” you. I’m guilty of doing exactly that at numerous times with persons that had no desire to make change. I don’t want, or expect others to reach into their bag of goodies and place a bandage on my wounds. I’ll explain.

I talk much on my blog about the different types of issues that I’ve acquired over my years on this earth. I share the parts of me that are damaged and what its meant for my life going forward. I also share the setbacks that I’ve encountered when faced with challenges that I’m not sure how to deal with. When I’ve fallen into crisis mode, I will either completely seal myself up, or it all seems to explode outwards in some kind of hostile word salad. Those around may not be equipped to handle this or offer help. At these moments, the help that I’m in need of can far exceed what the normal human can handle. I need guidance from a professional, or perhaps just time. This is not a slight towards those that are concerned, I just don’t want to be fixed. When I say that, it means that unless you understand the entire story, the offer to fix could cause more harm than good.

This is a really complicated subject matter, and I hope that I can make sense of all of it. I’ve had family members, loved ones and friends attempt to reach me at different times when I’m in a spiral down. I love and appreciate them for this, as long as they don’t add the dreaded advice on how to fix myself. Don’t try to fix the problems by saying things like “it’s not that big of a deal”, “you’re not that person anymore”, or “you’ll be fine.” Offer a listening ear without judgment if a purge is needed. Ask if there’s something needed, like should a counselor be contacted. Sometimes even just a hug can slow the processing and bring me back around again. A great example of this is when I walk with my sisters. They listen when I’m riled up about things going on in my head. The combination of physically moving and having someone just hear you when you hurt makes a huge difference on getting through crisis. My wife is good for moments when I walk in the door and just stretch my arms out and say that I need a hug. She’s always available for this and it settles the fire within. I highly recommend hugs.

Fixers want to get very involved in the trauma and that is not a welcome place to be. I don’t want to mix a person and their feelings, or ideas into my mess. I’ve even had times when I’ve just walked away from someone giving me “advice” on how to make things better. It feels more like a push, or a shove. Almost as if to say “do it my way and all will be well.” I feel a wall going up immediately when this happens. It’s best if I wall up and shut it out rather than allow more emotions of hostility creep in. I’m sure that we’re all guilty of just wanting to simmer, or as I like to call it “stewing in my juices.” I really don’t want anything from anyone. I just need time to sort everything out and I’ll be alright. I’m pretty good at letting others know when this is happening and just ask for space. Some fixers just can’t stand to allow this to happen and will continue to chew at your edges until there’s a snap. There have not been many, but I will tell you that when its happened, I’m unapologetically horrible. Once that happens, the fixer then becomes hurt, or possibly angry. Now there are multiple fires burning that really didn’t need to be.

When I say that if you struggle, feel free to reach out, I’m not offering any form of counseling, or fix. I’m simply saying that I’ll listen. If you want me to share how I’ve felt in similar situations, I can do that so that you don’t feel alone. I’m not the person to fix anyone, that much I’m sure of. I’ve even discussed and thought about getting involved with at risk teens. Something that my counselor thought might be helpful. It’s an area that at least for now, I just can’t go into. The very idea of having a teen, that acts the way I did and might be in even worse shit staring blankly at me doesn’t sit well. I know how I was at that age and I’m not sure that I could’ve been reached. They may not want to be fixed either, so I’d serve no purpose. This could change as I work through all my “things”, but for now it’s best that I focus on my shit and get that corrected.

With all this being said, humans are so very complicated and as my cousin said recently, “we’re all in a different place.” I’m in a part of my journey that others may not be. Some haven’t even started to address their problems. The timeline is our own. We all know when it’s time to make a move and get the help needed to collect our shit together and move forward. It took me into my 50’s before I decided to get rolling and that was only because the counselor was sharper than I was and detected issues. I knew that my sleep was a mess and that my nightmares were causing harm, I just wasn’t sure that I could do the things necessary to get better.

One thing that I’ve learned in these years of counseling. I’m better than I was, and that’s huge! I’m able to sleep a little better and I don’t have the reoccurring nightmare anymore. I’m aware of when I’m sliding and require a “tune-up”. Being aware of what’s going on in your head is just as important as being aware of how you feel physically. These two intertwine, so pay attention to the sometimes subtle blips on your radar. Know when it’s time to seek out a professional so that you can manage all the things going on. Try your hardest to remember that the fixers do have good intentions, they just don’t understand what’s in your head. Do your best to step back when they encroach in your space. Give warning when, or if this happens, but be as gentle as you can. If they are persistent in “fixing” you…only you know what needs to happen next. I’d suggest just walking away.

Once again this topic comes about by way of listening to music. One of my favorite songs came on the other day and it sparked this entire blog. The song is called “Fix Me” by the band 10 years. I’ll drop the lyrics below because they’re pretty spot on with how I’ve felt at times. “I’m fine in the fire, I feed on the friction, I’m right where I should be, don’t try to fix me”. Yeah, that hits the spot! I highly recommend giving this a listen, you’ll truly understand what I’m trying to say here. If you’re in need, seek assistance. If you want a listening ear without judgment, I’m around. I promise not to try to Fix you.

Until we meet again

~Robert~

Fix Me by 10 years

It’s taken a lifetime to lose my way
A lifetime of yesterdays
All the wasted time on my hands
Turns to sand
And fades in the wind
Crossing lines
Small crimes
Taking back what is mine
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
So lost for so long
To find to my way
I failed to follow
I’m out of place
Crossing Lines
Small crimes
Taking back what is mine
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me
I’m fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I’m right where I should be
Don’t try and fix me

Mirror Mirror…

November 25, 2024November 26, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Mirror mirror on the wall. I’m betting that takes all of you to a Disney moment in your life – me too. It also makes me look within myself. I touched on the fact a few blogs ago that I have a hard time looking at myself in a mirror. The reflection that I’ve seen over the years doesn’t match up to what I feel inside. It’s as though I’m looking at a face I don’t recognize just looking back at me. Creepy, right? Exactly why I avoid mirrors. What is it that you see when you look into the mirror? Is it simply your face, or is there more? Mirrors and reflections are something that I think about, write about and even have dreams about. There must be something more to it. What secrets are held within this sacred piece of glass? Shall we?

The mirror is normally just a common household item that is used for our vanity purposes. Fixing hair, applying make-up, checking skin, all of the things that humans do. Depending on the lighting, a mirror can give you a different perspective of a room. Some place large mirrors on walls in order to make smaller places look bigger. An illusion of sorts. I look at the mirror as an illusionist as well. I have, in the past, taken a good hard look in the mirror to see what it is that others see. Do they see the reflection as I see it, or do they see a different version?

The mirror has not always been this unpleasant of a thing to me. There was a time when I was good with the person that I was seeing. Probably because I lacked feelings for the world and it was nothing more than my face. The eyes were darker then and carried a heavy weight. It was not until “the night” that everything changed for me. I’d gone to bed as normal and literally woke up the next day with feelings! You could call it a divine intervention (the action by God -or god – of getting involved in a human situation in order to change it.) Being that I’ve never been a very spiritual person, that seemed odd, and given the life that I’d been leading, I struggled even more to make sense of it. If God had taken a moment to come to me in my sleep and change everything about who and what I was, there had to be a reason.

The morning after this all transpired, I took a look in the mirror. I was terrified. Who was this that I was looking at? It was like everything had changed. I felt different, I had empathy, I hurt for the things that I’d been doing and felt the desire to make amends to those that I still could reach. I know you’re thinking, if things were turning for the better, why be terrified? What I saw was not a good person. I still saw rage, anger, deceit, and darkness. It was as though a monster (Zombie) was looking back at me. I jumped back away from the mirror and decided that I had to change the reflection.

I felt off that entire day, and I knew that I still had to “take care of business.” How would I be able to do that now when everything had changed? I couldn’t go through the same things as before with feelings. This could easily end my “career.” I became paranoid that others who surrounded me knew and could feel that I’d changed. My God, if I can’t hide this, I’ll die for sure. How did this happen? I went back to the mirror that evening and looked again. I found myself asking the mirror, what is it that you are showing me? What do I need to do? There was no answer as you may have suspected. There was my face, and those dark eyes staring back at me.

There is much more that went on from this point, but I’m not able to share it. Perhaps one day, but I’d say doubtful. Some things about me just need to remain a mystery. I’ve remained scared to use the mirror for anything more than shaving, and I don’t even do that on a daily basis in order to cut down on the amount of times I look at it. I work out at a gym that is covered with mirrors, but I’ve learned to focus on my body parts and never look at my face. It may seem extreme to most of you, but there are demons in there for me. There may be demons in the mirrors for some of you as well. Look hard and tell me what you see.

I think that the mirror is my own way of reflecting on myself. Even without seeing the physical form, it’s as though I see the spirit. Self evaluation is, or at least can be, extremely hard. We are our own worst critics, but we also harbor secrets. When you look at the mirror, do you see the secrets that are stored away?

This was one that I felt was going to be tough to write and it is. It opens up more of what travels through the mind of a person who has trauma and gives light to those things. It leaves me vulnerable to judgment. Judgment of my own mental stability. I’m alright with that if it gets things out of my head, and gets others to take a look into themselves. I know there are others out there who feel the same way. Some may hate the reflection for physical reasons. The reflection can cause problems for those who suffer from eating disorders, or other disorders such as body dysmorphia (a mental health disorder that leads to extreme distress over your appearance.) So, when I tell you that there can be demons in the reflection, it’s real. Look into the mirror…tell me what you see.

I chose this title based on music yet again. A band from the 80’s – Def Leppard. I’ll add the lyrics below because they too make some sense of what I see when I look in a mirror. The power of the mirror, the all knowing, all seeing reflections. It’s eerie and mysterious. Stop for a minute and gaze into the mirror, tell me what you see.

Until we meet again…

~Robert~

Mirror, mirror
Just watching with your eye of glass
You’re just a fortune wheel
With something that I wanna ask

Mirror, mirror
Got my fate lying in your hands
You’re the fool, you’re the juggler
Hangman and lover, you’re not like no other

[Chorus]
(Take a look into my eyes) Tell me what you see
(Take a look into my eyes) Tell me is it true?
(Take a look into my eyes) Oh, when I look at you
(Take a look into my eyes) Tell me is it me?
Is it really me?

[Verse 2]
Mirror, mirror
Gotta know just what you see
My crystal ball
You’re looking so sly and so sleazy

Hello Darkness my old friend…

November 22, 2024November 22, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

The Darkness. This is something that I speak of in so many of my blog entries. I’ll go through and break down all the many views of darkness in this one. I have a relationship with darkness that spans the better part of my life. There is something magical in it for me, along with the ugly and cold part. There’s the sadness that some feel from this time of year. Seasonal affective Disorder (SAD) depression associated with late autumn and winter and thought to be caused by a lack of light. I think this will get interesting, so let’s get into it.

My journey in life has been marked with times of “darkness.” I’ve covered much of this in other blogs, and I don’t want to sound like I’m just droning along, so I’ll keep this part shorter. I found myself in coordination with underworld figures that trained me to move about quietly, view everything, and the darkness was truly my friend. I feel a level of comfort in the darkness. Perhaps because I was taught to embrace it? I’m not sure, but I still feel something special towards it. Oddly enough in this current part of my life I enjoy the darkness for different reasons than before. When I walk at the pre-dawn hours, there’s a stillness and calm that touches my soul. I love walking in the dark with nothing more than stars and perhaps some moonlight. Hardly anyone is around and I take ownership of this time. It belongs to me!

My mother suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder and dreaded the time change. I know numerous people that also suffer from this. When she had first told me about this disorder, we had a discussion about it because it was something I couldn’t understand. How could someone not love the darkness? It was so beautiful to me. It brought about serious bouts of depression for her and she felt even worse. She’d be disengaged more during this time and welcomed any form of light to help make her feel better. She even liked having a Christmas tree set up all year round so that she’d have the happiness from the lights to improve how she felt. For those out there that have this, I feel for you. I’d ask that you find something that you can hold onto during the months of less light that can keep you steady. My sister is always telling me to think of 3 good things each day. It’s for a different reason in my case, but I think this can be helpful for those that suffer. Try to find the light in the dark. Look for the positives rather than being stuck in the dark. Move about as much as you can, for as I’ve always blogged about, movement is one of the best medicines for the human body. This is from the Mayo clinic for people that suffer from SADS -Treatment for SAD may include light therapy (phototherapy), psychotherapy and medications. If you need help with this, look into a treatment that fits your life. I’m certainly no doctor, just a concerned blogger that wishes better lives for all.

There is also the darkness that comes with loss. I find that I struggle in the month of November, and especially around the Thanksgiving holiday because this was the time of year that my mother passed away. I continue to try to find new ways to get through the month and celebrate in a more positive way, but I’m just not there yet. I keep myself busy and work during the holiday. If I’m less idle, I seem to do better. I also enjoy being around those that I work with at times when things are the toughest. Crazy, right? There’s something about being in your “pack.” The pack protects you and understands you probably better than most. You spend a good portion of you life at work, so why not make the relationships pleasant. I’ll think of my mother in the most positive way possible this month. I’ve gradually started to erase the sadness of her suffering before leaving this earth. Miss you Mom.

My current homework of sorts is to try to allow darkness that has served me be present at times. See it and understand that it has served me well during my times of pain. While I speak so much about trying to set myself free from it, I also need to understand that it is a part of me. There is no light without darkness. Learning the things that I’ve learned may have been terrible at times, but they also kept me alive. Being able to recognize darkness and be, dare I say, thankful is what I’m working towards right now. Without the darkness, I wouldn’t be the man that I am right now. Flawed yes, but we all are. Yet I’m strong and confident as well, and that comes from this darkness. I fear nothing on this earth and that too is from the darkness. My biggest fear has always been that the darkness would take everything over and I’d become the dark wolf…forever. I’m grateful that somewhere inside of me that glimmer of light, that touch of hope still resides. As long as I can hold that, I think that I can find my way.

The song The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel, then later redone by Disturbed has some very powerful lyrics. I’m certain that most of you have enjoyed this song at some point in time and if not, please pull it up and listen. I find much in my music and it also inspires me to write more. Just the beginning lyrics bring tears to my eyes. “Hello darkness, my old friend-I’ve come to talk with you again.” That’s just amazing stuff right there. Darkness will be my old friend, now and forever. I’ll speak to it whenever I’m out in it doing my walks. I’ll embrace the feelings of calm that it brings me, and also the strength that it’s given me.

I’ll share a scripture here: Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” (John 8:12). Even though the Bible speaks of darkness in numerous passages as something less. I believe that there’s something to the darkness and as I’ve stated, you can’t have one without the other. I also believe that I can embrace both, find the balance that I need to carry on in my life.

In my closing I’ve added the lyrics from the Sound of Silence for you all to enjoy and perhaps dissect. Maybe it’ll touch you in a different way, and that’s alright as well. Music is a healing tool, so I’d highly recommend giving both versions a listen. As always, if you’re suffering, reach out and seek assistance to get through whatever it is that harms you. I’ll keep writing because it’s become the best form of therapy for me at this point and time. I’m hopeful that my words speak to at least some of you and make a difference. Being beautifully broken has no shame, at least not in my eyes.

Thank you so much for stopping by and reading my thoughts.

~Robert~

The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

You Matter: Overcoming Feelings of Unworthiness

November 21, 2024November 21, 2024 / Zombie / Leave a comment

In this latest blog post, I’m going in reverse for a minute and go back over a topic that needs further attention. I’ve had some excellent discussions with others about the stigma that comes with mental health. What we feel about ourselves is included in this. How just talking about it can be some kind of “taboo” if you will. There’s also those who suffer with feelings of “not being important enough”, or “others have it much worse than I do .” I can relate to those feelings and understand why we might stay quiet, when in all reality we need to speak up.

Let me start out by saying that we are all important and there’s no chart out there that rates the level of pain you suffer. I’ll never try to one up someone and say that my pain is more serious than theirs. That’s not how this works. Each person has their own level of what they can handle. We’re unique humans who feel and act in different ways. What may seem like nothing to me, could be overwhelming to someone else. I’ve gauged my trauma and at times compared it to what others have been through. This in turn made me feel as though I had no reason to speak. “How can I possibly complain about my feelings when others have it so much worse.” I’ve said this and I’ve heard others say it as well. This sets us up for failure in our own brain. we’ve now lessened our own value in this world and that just can’t be.

The trauma that I experienced was caused by persons who had set out to do just that. The idea was to be able to control me in such a way that I would never question anything. “The perfect soldier” is one who acts but does not question authority. Even prior to the dark years, I was taught by my father that there was never anything to talk about in a dispute. It was to be handled with force. Aggression with aggression. While it makes no sense at all, in some odd way in my brain, it still does. I just had that talk with my wife the other day when we got on the topic of politics. If someone comes hard at me with anger and hate, my rebuttal is one of “I will break you.” My wife stated that this just perpetuates the cycle, and while on a rational level I understand and agree with this, there’s still a part of me that says “Fuck that” I don’t care. I’ll feel better if I do it the hard way. This kind of hearkens back to my previous blog about the two wolves. The constant struggle of darkness and light, good vs evil. I must remind myself to feed the right wolf.

When I do my walks through my old neighborhood and see children’s toys and such laying about the yard of a home that looks as though it’s a war zone, sometimes even hearing yelling or crying from inside of the home, the first thing that comes to mind is what kind of hell are they living in? The next thing is what kind of monster will they become living in this manner? While I had struggles as a child, my parents did show love for us. They did try to do their best. I see so many parents who just don’t seem to care. The children look as though they’re pleading for help when you see them outside. Remember my blog about the eyes. I look at them constantly. When they’re looking at a stranger as though you’re their savior, something is going terribly wrong in their world. This again, makes me wonder why I feel like I do when someone else has it so much worse? Why do I take up my counselor’s time with my petty grievances when I’m 58 years old and this was so long ago. I’ll tell you why, because what I’ve experienced matters. What I’ve gone through should never have happened and I really didn’t have a say in much of it. Things were put upon me that no child should ever have been made to do. I’m damaged, I’m hurt and I’m tired. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life feeling that way. I don’t want to allow my past to follow me like a dark shadow forever. Constantly reminding me that I’m nothing, or not good enough. So, I say to all of you who read this and have those same feelings, address them. Don’t push them aside because you feel that you’re lesser. Don’t allow others to tell you that “you’re fine” when you know inside that you’re not. That’s not fair to yourself. It can be a better world to live in and there’s no reason why we can’t have happiness. That’s all that I’ve ever asked for was to truly feel happiness.

When I’ve had discussions with many of you people, I want you to know that I’m humbled that you’re willing to share things about yourself with me. I hold it close to my heart and I feel your pain. I don’t want you to feel that the road you’re walking is dark and dangerous anymore. I don’t want you to feel alone. I know all too well how that feels and how I was made to live in silence for so many years. First the silence was forced by others, then it became my own silence, my own prison. Let’s break free of the shackles that hold us down and find the freedom that we all deserve.

I want you all to take this moment to self-evaluate. I’d ask that you do it honestly and ask yourself if you’re alright today. If you can do that, and you feel that you’re not alright, then reach out. If you’re not ready for a counselor yet, I’ll listen. If not me, then someone you trust. Our mental state is all that we are. We must live inside of our heads for all time, why not make it a better place to be? That’s what I seek for myself, I want better than what I started out with. I’ve grown so much that I now want this for those around me as well. I’ve learned empathy and want you to know that I see you, I hear you, you’re important in this world. This is my open invitation to take my hand, or the hand of another, and take those first steps. There’s something better when you do, that much I can promise you.

As always, thank you so much for stopping by and reading.

~Robert~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

Uncategorized

Understanding the Depth of True Friendship

Do We Ever Really Know Someone?

Embracing Life: Finding Joy Amidst Mortality

My Path to Healing

The pursuit of peaceful sleep

Exploring the Depths of Dreams

Don’t Fix Me

Mirror Mirror…

Hello Darkness my old friend…

You Matter: Overcoming Feelings of Unworthiness