As I sit here on the Christmas day, I stop and pause. How lucky I am to be in this home. I’m warm, I’m loved, and I find myself wanting for nothing. Nothing more than being able to continue on my journey of self discovery. Taking the time to seek peace, while passing through the darkness of my past. I’m truly humbled.
From the child that was lost and unsure of life, to the man that I’ve grown to be. I often wonder how I ever made it this far. I can say with great certainty that it wasn’t an easy road. There were moments that I wanted to give up, but something inside of me wouldn’t allow me to. No matter how dark it became, I kept searching for the light. I’m forever grateful to the many people along the way that guided me, listened to me, and noticed me. However I refer to them in my writings (Ghosts, Angels, Humans) they were are all special to me. Each provided something I was seeking and kept me on my road towards serenity.
I share all of this with you today because I’ve been moved yet again on this morning. My wife sees me for who I am. She gifted me a couple of shirts that lets me know she understands me. She knows my struggles better than most and is still able to love me…just the way that I am. She celebrates my victories and sits with me during my struggles. I don’t have to say anything to her, she knows. When you find that kind of connection with someone in your life, it’s truly a gift. There again, I never in my wildest dreams thought that I’d find someone that I could be so open with. That I could trust so completely. Yet here I am.
I take nothing in life for granted. I learned long ago that anything in your life can be snatched in the blink of an eye. Even your life itself can be taken away instantly. It sounds dark and ugly, but it’s truth. Truth is something that I always share in my blogs. So, on this day of worship, I’ll wrap myself in the love that surrounds me. I don’t need to step into a church to feel this way. My church is all around me. I celebrate my life and my rebirth. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I’ll stretch out my wings and fly.
I hope that whatever it is that you do today, you are at peace. I hope that you surround yourself with those that see you, and hear you. Most of all I hope you are loved, on this day and everyday going forward. I thank you all for your unwavering support of my writing, for this is truly my passion. Happy Holidays to you all.
There are moments that come about that spark something within me. Strike a nerve if you will. It can be from a casual conversation, a song, a movie or just random thoughts as I wander. Tonight, I was struck by something that was said during a movie. I invited my sister Leanna over to watch “The long walk.” It’s a Stephen King novel turned into a highly anticipated movie. We’d discussed watching for awhile now and finally had the chance. It did not disappoint, but it triggered feelings, and perhaps clarity.
I won’t get into the movie as I don’t want to spoil it for anyone planning on watching it. I will tell you that It’s set in post-apocalyptic times. That alone is something I have nightmares about all the time. Teens are made to walk until there is only one of them left. The two main characters in the movie talk about life while doing the long walk. They discuss how they came to be in this race. They also talked about what they wanted for their future if they won, and so on. The one character was getting upset as the miles began to climb and things became uncomfortable. After he expressed his frustration, the young man next to him advised him. He said he needed to gain control. “You’ve only been out here for a short time. How can you go complaining when you’ve only just begun? I’ve been doing the long walk my entire life.” As he went on to explain his childhood, or lack thereof, the gravity of his emotions grabbed me. I felt what he was saying. I’d been on the long walk as well. Always looking for a way to survive. A way to remain invisible so that I wouldn’t bring unwanted attention to myself. While this was a fictional movie, the message was clear. His life was harsh. He found himself on this long walk as way to a better life. Yet, he made the choice to always survive. To love rather than hate. To cherish friendships over seclusion. He wanted a better world not only for himself, but for others around him.
I found myself full of emotions. Tears welled up in my eyes and thoughts of my life started running wild. While I know where I’ve been, and know the things that I’ve done to survive. I’ve always looked towards hope. I leaned into survival at every turn. Along with these thoughts. I began to feel the connection to my current need to always be moving. My long walks that I cherish so much. This movie showed these young men walking as a way to survive. Staying at a set pace, moving through the miles, they could never stop…or they’d die. I’ve been on this road. I had to keep moving in order to stay alive. The promise to the winner was to be granted a wish. Anything that they desired would be granted, if they were the lone finisher. The winner, the survivor.
My walks now are a time of reflection. A way to shed the weight of the world. A time to remember where I came from and what I’m capable of. A step back in time, as well as a glimpse of my future. I’m still on that long walk but it feels different. I feel that I’ve shifted from the character in the movie that was full of darkness and driven by anger. I’ve become more of the one that chooses love, light and happiness. I think I always have, I just hadn’t realized it until now. Even at the darkest times, I wanted to find something better. I was thirsty for what others had, and drank in all of their positive energy. I held onto those that would make me feel better inside. All the while I was still on my long walk. These were the humans that may have carried me when I felt exhausted. The humans that looked after me when I felt no one cared. They were on my road making the long walk right along with me.
Life is a long walk. It’s full of peaks and valleys, rain, snow and sunshine. It wears your body down, but fills you with energy at the same time. It forces you to make choices and do things that are frightening. It test you with temptations and gifts you with all beauty of the world. The long walk is our lives. When we stop, we die. We don’t stop in the dramatic way depicted in movies. Instead, when we truly stop trying, pushing, striving, caring, and loving, we die. I learned tonight that while my journey early on in my life was dark and sad at times. I’m still here, still moving, still walking. I’m still alive and that’s something to celebrate. I want to be the one that cherishes what’s left of my life. Cherishing my loved ones, my friendships, my tribe.
The long walk is for all of us, step wisely. Hold onto hope and never quit. Reach for that finish line and be the survivor that’s granted your greatest wish. Until that day comes…I’ll see you on the road, of life!
I sit and gaze across the landscape. It’s a country that I no longer recognize. I find my thoughts wandering. How did it get this way? Where did we go so wrong? The creeping death that roams the streets of cities and states. Hatred of others has become the anthem of the day. Care and compassion are looked upon as signs of weakness and have no place in this new world order. Cruelty is served up on a daily platter of shame, and no one seems to care.
I find myself being drawn back into the place I came from. One of safety and familiarity. The old me, the Zombie that feels nothing. Conversations with others around me only feed this desire. They laugh and joke about other humans being harmed. Humans being dragged away losing everything. Everything that was important to them means nothing to the ones it doesn’t “personally” affect. They celebrate the separation of humans who don’t look like them, or speak like them. They look at them as though they’re not humans and have no value. I’ve seen this play before and there is no happy ending to it.
The underworld is a place that was not meant to see the light of day. The people who roam in it feed on others like wolves stalking their prey. They see others as “less than”, weak, vulnerable and easy marks. I’ve sat at the table with those who would smile at harm coming to you. I’ve watched actions taken that should frighten anyone. I know how these people operate and we now have this same thing playing out before our very eyes. No longer are they being pushed below the surface. They’re allowed to harm in full view of the public. Where does this lead? Ask yourself, when they’ve finished with whatever the latest targets are, who do they come for next? If you feel that you’re safe, you’ve just set yourself up for the biggest mistake of your life.
I’ve stated before that I’ve seen humans at their very best, and also at their very worst. I struggle now to see humans being kind. Perhaps my view is different. The eyes of Zombie are always watching and see many things that others look past. The desire to adjust my view, my thinking is still there. I want this to all just be a nightmare that I can wake up from and feel good again. I want to set my armor down and walk without pain again. I’m so tired and I don’t want to see this play over again. To have to put my feelings aside and find a way to survive. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be that person ever again, yet here we are.
It’s not dramatic to state these feelings, it’s real. You need nothing more than to walk outside of your door, it’s now all around you. Walking today gave me time to try to push this sadness aside. Attempt to adjust focus and see good in the world. I was grasping for anything. Waiting for a sign to float gently before me and lift me back up. I’m still searching, hoping, praying.
I’ll do what I need to do to keep moving. My desire to live and thrive has helped me to get this far in my life. I won’t quit…I can’t. I honestly don’t think that I know how. Tomorrow will come and perhaps another chance to make things right again. Another chance to right this ship and keep it from going over. “Hold Fast” as the sailors of yesteryear would say. Hold fast to everything that you care about. Hold your desire for a better world and a place that you can be proud of. Most importantly, hold onto the ones who mean the most to you…now more than ever. I’ll do all of this and attempt to hold onto my sanity along the way.
“God willing and the creek don’t rise” is one approach we can take. I like “It’s all about finding calm in the chaos.” (Donna Karan) My search continues. Be well my friends.
This one has been sitting inside of me for quite some time now. Probably because this is a question that I ask myself on a very regular basis. While I see myself as broken, I still believe (at least now) that I have value. My background can make me a challenge to be around. I feel everything and with such passion. I see things others don’t. I find myself asking why I’m like this, and why is it that others don’t feel as I do. So many questions within a question.
A certain look, an awkward glance, a less than pleasant response. These are things that I notice. I watch facial expressions, read body language and study the way in which words are delivered. With each of these it then starts a chain reaction within me. What did I do? Why is this person mad at me? It can venture deeper and even darker at times. Depending on the situation and the person involved. It can turn into something much uglier. I can feel disrespected, looked past, invisible, or threatened. The reaction to this is to become a wall of impenetrable steel. Hurt feelings become rage, and the first thing that comes to mind is “hurt them more than they’re hurting you.”
As I stated before, I didn’t choose to be this way, I was trained. The constant of “never shutting down” is ever present. Finding ways to walk all of my feelings back has been my desire. Learning to see and hear things differently. It’s a challenge. Think of this in terms of a detour. If you travel the same way to get to work everyday and one day everything is blocked off. You’re then forced to take a detour. The detour is unfamiliar and makes you uneasy. The level of comfort that you have with your commute has been taken away leaving you to feel vulnerable. Some people can adjust easily. However, many of us focus on the negative aspects that this detour has brought into our lives. That is how a broken person feels in everyday life.
I don’t seek problems, nor do I wish them upon myself. I just struggle to make that adjustment in my detour. This can make life with a significant other a struggle. These moments of inner collapse can start the search for answers. Even at this point in my relationship with my wife. I have times when I question “Am I too much?” I know how my brain is wired. I quickly grasp these subtle gestures. In most cases, they mean absolutely nothing. My “kill switch” is to shut down and become quiet. This is a time for me to process and seek inner peace so that I can act and speak appropriately. If it sounds complex, it is. Like most things that I have going on inside of me it can be exhausting. For myself and my wife.
It’s my belief that broken people are special. I don’t say this just because I’m one. I say this because the ones that I’ve encountered in my travels are all truly special. While I’ve been “gifted” with abilities that I may or may not have wanted. I also have the ability to be very genuine. A “what you see it what you get” kind of person. One that once I’ve reached a level of comfort with you, I’m truly all in. I love people deeply and hold them closely. Fiercely loyal to both friends, family. It takes time to reach this pinnacle, but once you’re there you’re truly inside of my heart.
I’ve struggled in my relationships over the years. Taken chances on people that I knew deep inside would disappoint me. Perhaps hoping for a different outcome. Had people walk away from me because I held so much of myself inside. It takes a very patient person to be with someone like me. There are risks in everything we do in our lives. Taking risks with matters of the heart is the ultimate. It takes a patient person to allow me to work through my demons. They help me figure out who I really am. They endure endless hours of counseling and still face moments when I shut down. I feel that it’s a heavy load for my wife to carry at times. I’d like to believe that what I offer in return makes it worth while. My brokenness has developed into something better over time. I see my wife as a part of my soul. I love her deeply. To say it may sound cliché, yet for me it’s everything. I’ve opened the part of me that was the most broken and welcomed her in. I lowered my barriers and took a chance, in the same way that she did with me.
For so long I looked at myself as less than. The truth is that I’m just beautifully broken. I’ve overcome and made strives to be a better human. “Are broken people harder to love?” If you have patience, understanding, and a willingness to work through the complexities, you will find a wonderful human. A wonderful human is on the other side.
“Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.”
The Movie (The Crow)
When I think of mothers, I think of so many adjectives that describe them and the many things that they do. Sacrifice is something that comes to mind. Mothers sacrifice so much for the sake of their children. They’re able to put the life of others before their own. This is a rare trait in the world today and is one that needs to be looked upon with awareness. These selfless warriors make sure that households run as well-oiled machines. They, in many cases handle all the family finances, juggle a work schedule along with all the many appointments that come with children. Doctor visits, getting back and forth to school, sports practices and events, the lists go on and on. It doesn’t stop as the children grow older, it can even expand. Let’s look more into this phenomenon known as Mothers.
While my mother suffered from mental illness/depression, she worked hard to make sure that we had some form of foundation to work from. I’ve blogged about her many times, and I want to be clear, I loved my mother very much. I learned as an adult all the things she’d gone through in her life, which gave me pause. There was no way for me to judge the things that she was unable to do when she struggled so much herself. I needed to see through that and understand what she did manage. She managed a household with four children, all very close in age, so that meant we were all going through things at the same time. This had to be done in many cases with little to no money coming in. We were hungry on many occasions but never starved. We struggled with wearing hand-me-downs that were given to us by other families, but we had clothes to wear. We never had the best of everything, but we had something. There’s a lot to be said with all of this. We learned to be humble and grateful. We also learned the value of education. While my mother was not super pushy about getting us up and out in the morning, she always pushed us to keep up with our assignments. She’d guide us when we had questions about classes. This was all happening while she had so much going on inside of herself.
My mother had a calmness about her. While I took after my father in many ways, including the “take no shit” kind of attitude, I was balanced out with a piece of my mother’s gentle side. When I’d be all worked up about something I knew that my mother would have the right words to settle me. “This too shall pass” was a regular from her lips. There was a time when I was an adult and had a dispute with a contractor that was working on my property. The guy decided to take things to the next level and threatened me with violence. This happened during a phone call and my approach was much like my father. After the guy finished spewing his hostilities I said with a very calm voice “where are you at right now?” My plan was simple, to go where he was and handle him the way that I knew how to. As I was walking towards the door of my parent’s home, my mother stepped in front of me and said, “think about what you’re about to do. This is a time to remain calm because once you leave here and find him, you could lose everything.” Her words found their way into my brain when it was spinning out of control. She even delivered it in such a way that I immediately stopped. I felt what she was saying and knew that she was right. I would lose everything if I left. There was no other person on this earth that could’ve stopped me on that day. When I’m ready for battle, I’m all business and become tunnel-visioned. While I was much larger than my mother, she seemed impassable at that moment. These are the things that mothers are capable of. The power of a mother extends everywhere, and with everyone. I’ve met many rough individuals in my life and I’ll tell you that all of them had respect for the woman that brought them into this world. It didn’t matter who they were, or how wicked they could be. When it came to their mothers, they all became children again.
I’ve worked with mostly women for the better part of my life and have seen so many keep things together that would make most men run for cover. They deserve everyone’s respect and love. I know that I have profound respect for all the people that surround me in my life, and I do what I can to make it known. I celebrate their successes with them and try to be there when they’re just tired of the world. I’d ask that we all take a moment in our life for Mother’s Day. Make it something special. Look to the women in this world with honor and respect. Know that they’re capable of doing everything that needs to be done and without a thought for themselves. We owe them that. We owe them more than a day for sure. To all the mothers out there that are reading this, I see you on Mother’s Day and every day. You have my admiration, my respect and my gratitude. Thank you for all that you do.
Once again this came about through numerous discussions. Do we ever really know someone? It’s an honest question that deserves to be looked into. I’ll share my feelings and then just leave the rest up to all of you to ponder. My take may be a touch different because of my background, but I’m sure there will be some similarities. Along with my thoughts of life and death, came the ever nagging question that I’ve posed as the title of this blog, Do we ever really know someone?
I’ll take a quick trip into the past to give perspective on why I feel the way that I do, or at least why I feel like I do at times. When you’re in the darker side of life and doing things that run well below law abiding, you need to be, or present yourself in a certain manner. The reason is simple, you want to stay alive. I’ve shared before that I was trained to be an observer of other humans. I was also taught to show nothing about myself. What I would show others, was only what I wanted them to see. I was able to roll through my entire high school life without a single soul knowing anything about me. Stop and think about that for a minute. Put yourself back in Junior high or High school and think about how people were. How social, how tight different “cliques” were. All the things that kids are supposed to do at that age. Now imagine being part of something so awful that if you so much as whisper a word of it, you could die. That’s what I carried back in those days. I had to put myself out there as a quiet, shy, ordinary kid. I find humor at some of the things that people wrote in my yearbook. They really had no idea, because I didn’t let them know.
We all have it in us to be less than truthful. We use our skills acquired in life to hide, or perhaps shield others from truths. In my case, I didn’t want to be truthful because there could be harm brought to anyone who might know my position. “Loose lips sink ships.” Loose lips also get people killed. I became a nonentity. Funny how even now at work I always tell people around me that I’m “nobody.” There’s truth to that statement even though I’m smiling when I say it. I learned to fade into the backdrop, to not be seen, to blend in. If I felt that someone was getting too close, or had a feeling that they might suspect something, I quickly got into the wind. Deception is something that is used, especially in the surroundings that I found myself in. These blogs are probably the most honest things that have ever come out of my body. There’s healing for me in writing all of this. You’re getting to know Zombie a.k.a. Robert. In some cases, for the very first time.
So, do you feel that you really know a person? Are you close with your family members? Perhaps you have a best friend that you tell all your secrets to. Do you feel that you really know one another? I’m not trying to make everyone paranoid, it’s just something that has come to pass in my journey in this world. I think deeply at times and this is a topic that intrigues me. Why do we not want others to know everything about us? My counselor Amy knows the most and we still work towards a full disclosure. I know that with more time and work, writing, I’ll be able to spill all that needs to be spilled. As I age, I process things differently, so there’s hope that I can see things through a fresh lens.
How about this. I’ve always said that when you meet someone, whether it’s social, work related, or a dating prospect. The person that you meet at the beginning is the “representative.” They’re most likely showing you the very best that they feel they can be. It’s a show of sorts, acting. I like to wait and see what they do when no one is looking. How they interact with others, especially when they’re comfortable. Listen intently when people talk. You’ll hear much of who they are in conversations, especially as time goes by. How they view the world and others is important. Let’s not forget animals! If someone hates dogs and cats you need to run, not walk away from them…lol!
Being a voyeur who was trained to pay attention to subtle details of other humans has gifted me the ability to spot frauds. In some cases I spot them and just allow them to be in my general area. It’s more of a “I want to see how far they’ll take things” action. There are some who, when I spot them, I call out right to their face. It’s a dangerous practice, and can lead to altercations, so I’m mindful about doing this at this point in my life. There are people who I feel have genuine goodness about them, and I want them in my “orbit.” Time is the key to all of this.
Photo by u041du0430u0442u0430u043bu0438u044f u041au043eu0442u043eu0432u0438u0447 on Pexels.com
You see, humans are so very fascinating. The way in which we socialize and maneuver through the world captures my attention all the time. I feel that it’s only fair that if I’m constantly assessing people around me, that I should be more open about myself, and here we are! This is what I’ve learned over the past few years with my counselor. I must embrace the darkness that has served me in my life. I am learning to accept some of my “abilities” that I’ve acquired as a part of me, rather than trying to distance myself from them, or erase my past. I’m also learning to show other humans who and what I really am. I know that not everyone will understand, or perhaps not want to be around me, and that’s o.k. While I do this, I try to bring attention to all the things that make me who I am. How I question everything and why I’m always guarded with my feelings. I think in the end, if you ask the question “do we ever really know someone?” If it comes to me, I’d like the answer to be, Yes.
This has been a busy week on the counseling front. I managed to get in two sessions within a couple of days, which was very helpful. I said some of the worst things, out loud, and in front of someone else. I have a witness of sorts to some, but not all of what I’ve gone through. Conversations that I had that torment me to this very day. Threats, manipulation and grooming were items covered. I had to look within myself, honestly and speak truth. I sat before someone that I’ve grown to trust more than just about anyone in my life and emptied my soul. She (Amy my counselor) has listened without judgment for years. She’s seen me regress at times, shift back to a child at moments, and has guided me through so many dark alleys. She has never wavered in her support, and has always believed that I’d be whole again, safe from everything. Her words have stayed with me when I’ve felt myself slide backwards. It’s been there when I stopped believing in myself. It’s been there to teach me to that what I really am through all of this…Is a survivor.
The emotional toll that trauma can have on the body and mind can be tremendous. There have been times that I’ve left her place and struggled to even drive myself home. On numerous occasions, I’d leave there and go to Meijer and just walk around. I’m not sure why, but there’s something about just doing an “ordinary” thing after such discussions that grounds you. It brings you back to the present. It’s become kind of a joke when I say that I’m doing my post therapy walkabout at Meijer. Some sessions can be so intense that I just really need to shut down and breathe. When I talk about going to therapy/counseling with others, I like to say that I feel everyone could benefit from time speaking with a trained professional. It’s true. We all have secrets that we hide. Secrets that are possibly causing further damage as we age. Secrets that need to reach the surface, be looked at safely, then put away in a manner that will serve our mental health in a positive fashion. In some cases, secrets that just need to be shared so that an objective person can explain clearly to you that it was not your fault. Free you of the burden of having to carry such things around for the rest of your life.
I’ve learned much sharing space with Amy. I’ve learned to pay attention to my body when I’ve been triggered. To pay attention to my breathing and try to be present with it. I need to be kinder to myself and above all, forgive myself. One of the things that I’ve learned of late is that my darkness, along with abilities that I’ve gained through life events have served me well. They’ve kept me alive when there’s no reason that I should still be walking. They’ve given me the gift of sight…the ability to see things that most would never pay attention too, both good and bad. Almost like an intensified vision. I believe that I’ve referred to this before as being a witness to events in the world. I’m seeing things because they need to be seen, or witnessed. Rather than always looking at myself as bad, or evil, I just look at all of it as just a part of me. The two wolves become one.
I don’t know where the rest of my life will take me, I can’t see that good. I know that there are still things that could be discussed, but for now, I’m going to just be. I know that Amy is just a phone call away, and for that, I’m grateful. I don’t want to fully rely on her, but rather accept the tools that she’s gifted me with. The idea behind sitting with her has always been to walk on my own again. I don’t fear falling down as much as I used to now. I also know that if I do fall, I can get back up and will be alright because I choose to. Life is full of choices, Lord knows that I’ve made some interesting ones during my younger years. Through all of it I’ve remained driven to be something more. To be better…always. Even during the darkest of times, I was driven to find a way through, then out! It’s no different now. I make choices each day to continue.
I always copy Amy in on everything that I write. I’m guessing like many of you, she’s fallen behind. Sorry folks, I have so much still to write about. I think I needed to take this time to say Thank you to her and have all of you as a witness to that. She’s a humble and gracious person and I’m sure doesn’t expect anything like this. There have been a couple big moments in my life that were life altering. Two of the biggest were this. The day that I went to Pearson park to walk and decided to start running. I’d gone there originally with all kinds of wild ideas in my head. I wasn’t sure if I could see a path forward at that time and the next thing you know, running found me. I’ve had a wonderful relationship with running ever since that day. The second was meeting my counselor, Amy. She saw something in me that I couldn’t, or wouldn’t see in myself. She guided me down roads that I didn’t want to travel, only to come out on the other side a better person. She’s sat with me while I cried, both tears of pain and joy, and listened to everything. It’s these moments, people, events that have made me see that I have value. I don’t think that I’ll ever be alone again.
One day at a time. It doesn’t sound like much to say that, but when you really stop and put that into action, it can be profound. I’ve found myself at the mercy of even going an hour at a time to try to get through events in my life. Asking my higher power to take the load off of my shoulders because I felt as though it might be too much. I could break at any moment.
There have been some moments in my life when I had to sit and really think things through before acting upon them. I’m structured and methodical, so I know what the “knee jerk” reactions can bring. I’ve had those moments where I’ve let the reaction take hold and it’s never ended the way it should’ve. When raising children I learned patience quickly. They rely on their everything through you. You become a god of sorts in the eyes of that child. You are their most influential person during their earliest years. First words, learning to go to the potty, riding a bike for the first time. These are all moments that a parent should hold dear and cherish. We are also a big part in their makeup socially, at least at first. Once the outside is introduced we can feel lost at times. A new behavior discovered that was never taught by you. Words spoken that have never been part of your vocabulary. If you pay attention, there are signs that growing and changing is going on.
My story is one of going into a marriage that came with children. I didn’t shy away from taking the role of “Dad”, but rather embraced all that it had to offer. My son was already at a pivotal age and I feared that reaching him would be hard. My daughter was just getting ready to turn two and I knew that would be a serious task as well. Diapers, bottles, binkies and the ever present blanky were regular items to be had. I was all in and felt positive about my role as a parent. I had life experience that I felt would assist me in guiding these two souls through a world which I felt to be tough and ugly.
Dealing with other humans in situations like this became tricky. My son’s father was an every other weekend dad. He did his part at times, but assisting in the growth and maturity of a child was sparse. My son, Josh reads my blogs, so I’m sure he remembers much of the back and forth between homes and how he felt with each trip. Having a man come into his life that he knew nothing about, and trying to find a way to bond, or trust had to be awful. Especially knowing that he’d been down that road before and with an individual who was less than human in my humble opinion. Damage from that time is still discussed at times. The person who brought about this trauma was none other than the father (cough, cough) of my second child Taylor. When I first got together with their mother, we had discussions about child support and what roles these other humans would play in the raising of the children. As I stated earlier, Josh’s father was around at times, so there was some interaction for him. Taylor’s father had taken to getting into the wind to avoid child support and threatened her mother that if she ever tried to find him, “bad things” would happen. Hmmm, this went right into my sweet spot. Someone who was supposedly well connected and non existent. I decided to call in a favor and see how hard it would be to find this person. As luck would have it, I was able to find him quickly. I had his address and all pertinent information in my hands within a week. The next step would be to contact child support and report it so that he could be arrested. He was arrested and given a court date. Let me tell you, this is where things get sick. I walked into the courthouse to find this pathetic human sitting on a bench. I shared my feelings towards him in a quiet manner, but made it clear that he was very easy to find.
Once inside the court, a discussion began about the child support owed. He was an enormous amount of money in arrears and was looking for a way out. We offered to cut the amount of the child support in half, with the stipulation that he’d sign all of his parental rights away. Not only did he agree to this quickly, but followed it by saying that “I don’t ever want to see her, and she’s better off with you.” Stop right there. He just agreed to sell his child to a stranger and never wanted to look in on her going forward. Not only was I sickened by this act, I agreed to the offer and then adopted Taylor as my own child. Any chance that she had of making it through this world, it was certainly better with me than him.
Life has a way of shifting. The life I’d envisioned was broken by an alcoholic and drug abuser. Some of these red flags showed early on, but I didn’t think at that time that it was a problem. Getting drunk was something I’d seen other people do on the regular since very early on in my life. That was nothing new. This, however was much uglier and more dangerous. Traveling with kids in the car after drinking, coming home unannounced in a drunken rage, or even getting so drunk that she passed out in our garage with her car still running…and the doors were closed. It was time to rethink this parenting and my life with an alcoholic.
Separation was simple with my ex. I’d be done with the baggage that she carried and could spend more time helping the already damaged children. Being a single father was tough. Day care costs were high and getting them wherever they needed to be was worked around my working schedule to the best of my abilities. They did spend time with their mother, but the vast majority of the time was in my home, with me. Cracks were starting to show, in both of the kids. Each seemed to develop their own ways of working through it and neither seemed very healthy. Anger and uncertainty were apparent in both of them. While I tried to make sure they both understood that regardless of the split home situation, I’d always be available to them, and that nothing that happened between their mother and I was their fault.
Josh’s rebellion was more of a keep to yourself thing around the home. It was rage when away with his friends. So many years of being through so much, it’s a wonder he didn’t just explode. This too is something that we discuss to this very day. I offer my attention whenever he wants and I’m always planting the seed of counseling. He’s not there yet, but I think with time, he’ll find his way to it. I certainly took a minute to get in to see a professional myself. Taylor was different. She seemed to miss her mother at every turn. It didn’t seem to matter how much love and attention she was getting, there was always the need for more. This became a very unhealthy thing that turned into much more over the years. I started her in counseling, hoping that something would break through and she’d find some happiness. Again, I know there are many parents who read this… Remember that we can’t control what happens when a child is outside of our doors. The environment that I have control over is inside of my home and I also found that it can slip away. Taylor got into cutting. If there was ever a nightmare scenario for a parent, this rates pretty high on the scale and knowing that a child is cutting their skin open, inside of your home is terrifying! Add to that, less than savory connections on the outside, which then turned into drugs. I was left reeling.
The people closest to me know how many years I tried to reach my daughter. At some point you have to ask yourself what more can I do? By the time she reached adulthood, she’d aligned herself with a pill seeker and female abuser. I had nothing left to give. I’d offered numerous ways out of this and never wanted her to be homeless. She’d finally broken free from him but had all kinds of bad habits and refused to follow any kind of structure within my home. She’d tried living with her mother for a bit, but found one day to be evicted from there. Her mother was kind enough to place all of her things in front of my garage door while I was at work. The spiral down hit bottom for Taylor when she found herself living in her car and flopping at different “friends” homes. She reached out to me and asked if she could come home just for the night so that she could have a good shower, some food and rest. I allowed this with no questions asked. I could feel that she was at her bottom, or so I thought.
We talked the next day and I offered her the life that she’d had before, yet she refused. She still seemed to be fighting some kind of demons that I could not help her with. The choices that we make in our lives have consequences. While someone may be of legal age, they’re not always adult enough to understand these words. Letting your child walk out the door knowing that you can’t help them, fix them or protect them is one of the most gut wrenching moments of my life. I knew in my heart that I’d given everything to make this work. I’d protected, loved and raised these kids to be strong, independent and caring. I learned in counseling that the question I kept asking was already easy to answer. My question was, “what did I do wrong?” In all reality, I’d done nothing wrong, in fact I’d gone the extra mile to try to save them. With Taylor, there was nothing more. The breaking point came years later after a couple of very rare meet ups. She’d posted herself on social media holding a picture of the man who sold her in court. The very man that said he never wanted to see her again was now being displayed by my daughter with the words how she wished she could have known him and forged a relationship. She wanted a father that would have been there to guide her. It was like having my throat cut. Things came at me at a hundred miles an hour. I’d done everything in my power for this child. Everything that I’d sacrificed to make her life better, and in the end, I became nothing but an afterthought. Her parting words to me when she aged out of being on my insurance at 26 years old were, “thanks for letting me know, now lose my number.” That’s exactly what I did.
Photo by u0414u0435u043du0438u0441 u041du0430u0433u0430u0439u0446u0435u0432 on Pexels.com
Things don’t always go as they should, or at least how we want them to. I’ll always hope that she finds her way and decides that things could’ve been, and still could be, different. The change in me is what is key here. After everything that I’d been through, I was finally at peace with my decisions. I’d found a way to make myself whole. I stopped asking the question of what had I done wrong, and focused more on knowing that I did everything I could. She chose to go the other direction. When you take things one day at a time, it cuts it down into something more manageable. When you have serious life pressures, they can become overwhelming. I know this because I’ve been there many times. I’ve never been one to count on the world to do, or be the right thing. I know better. I’m street tough and smart, I know where the roads lead to now. How I travel them is the question. Do I allow things to build up and eventually break me? No, I have to separate the truth from the noise.
My stories are meant to teach, and at times inspire. Some are just here so that others know that life can be tricky and we have to find a way to get through it. I’m a survivor of many things now, so I speak truth to power. I’ve been judged many times for the moves that I’ve made with my child, and I will tell you that I really don’t care what others think. If you have empathy in your heart, then you understand. Until you walk a mile in anyone’s shoes, just don’t. Don’t cast your judgment without knowing everything. I implore you. While I’m battle tested, others may not be, and you can damage them further.
For those struggling with anything like this, there’s always hope and help. Seek counseling with a trained professional, it can make all the difference. Exhaust all options before deciding you’ve had enough when it comes to the life of another. I never walked away from my children, one just chose to walk away from me, and I’m alright today.
Hell is empty and all the devils are here. I had this tattooed on my leg a few years back with a very dark fallen angel. Its how I felt at the time and actually for a good portion of my life. I’ve seen the worst in humans and continue to wonder if/when they’ll ever shake out of it. Unfortunately, I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I think I’ve seen all that I need to see during this election cycle to understand that humans are not only flawed, but ugly. The devils are here on earth.
I’ll tell you all now that I’ve never been a fan of the two party political system in this country. It has brought about this perpetual cycle of “voting for the lesser of two evils.” The pendulum swings back and forth, all the while no one at the street level sees any kind of change in their world. That is what one of the candidates tapped into. The underfed, held down and angry found some kind of champion in him. All of the outsiders found a path to him as well. The darker among us feel at home when someone rages against “everyone else” because we know that someone has to be blamed for all the wrongs in the world. This is not new to American politics, it’s been going on for many generations. Anyone who has had to migrate to our shores has been pushed around at some point. The devils always find a way to manipulate you into believing that “they” are the reason for all of your problems. “They” are the reason you never get ahead. “They” steal your jobs, take your housing and go directly after your tax dollars. Hate is easy and the devils know it.
While I’ll never understand how someone can cheer for such anger and bitterness, I understand it. The problem here is that because I come from the shadows, I too know how to manipulate and set fires simply for the joy of watching them burn. I understand the desire for power and control, but I also know where that leads. Those that choose to follow such a path are destined for failure and unhappiness. Nothing will improve with what we’re doing here, it’ll only create further division among us. While you’re cheering on someone taking control of the country, and placing blame on groups of “they”, you’ll soon find that the promises of betterment were nothing more than an empty promise made by the devils. At this point, so much will have been stripped away, we won’t recognize this country, our government or those around us.
I was promised a better life when I joined the underworld. I was promised money, power, protections, but they all came at a cost. Don’t think that this is any different. The devils are good at offering things that appeal to your needs and desires, but then fall short on the delivery. As I asked in my last blog, “what are you willing to do to survive?” You’d better think long and hard on that one because you’re about to be tested on a much larger scale. I know what I’m willing to do, and I know what I’m capable of. I’ve been fighting against devils for the better part of my life. I want so much to be able to walk in the light and not ever have to worry. I’m finding myself at a crossroads again.
My first reaction to the election news was that it was time to wall up and go back to what I know, where I’m comfortable. Trust no one and be ready at a moment’s notice to step on your throat. Yeah, I’m there. Darkness has been calling to me in this 24 hour period and offering me the things that I seek. The devils that I know are speaking to me, and the message is clear. I’ve been here before, and hoped I’d never be here again.
Those that walk among us and feel that this is the way to a better life, hope and happiness, be ready. The promises will be hollow and your soul will be left with nothing. I’m sure that some may think, “you’re blowing this way out of proportion.” I’d like to hope that that’s case, but the devils have requirements and will be looking to feed their insatiable appetite. Promises have been made on how things will move forward. Promises to others who wish to feed from the table of deceit.
What are you willing to do to survive? Sit and ponder that. Think of where you’re at in your life and what you’d like to see going forward. Ask yourself the honest questions and take a long hard look in the mirror. What is it that you see in your reflection. Is it anger, hatred, bitterness? If so, the devils are here on earth and are ready to make you an offer that you can’t refuse. Just know that once you go down that path, it’s much harder to get back. If you’re feeling some of the things that I am, I see you, I feel your pain as well. We have to make a choice as well. Do we fall in line with the devils, or do we make our own way through this darkness? Either way it’ll be a struggle, and the struggle will come with a cost.
I’ve always been the kind to speak my mind and from my heart. This is no different. I will align myself with those that I hope will guide me through darkness so that I don’t falter. I need the guidance in some areas because I know how to move about in the darkness very well. As I stated, it’s comfortable to me. I want to be the champion of the story. I don’t want to be the fallen angel that lands on this earth with all of the devils. I’m hanging on today with everything that I am. I fear for the future and for the lives of the many that could be harmed in the future. I can only promise that I’m alright today.
Forgiveness- The action or process of forgiving or being forgiven. God’s forgiveness-washing us white as snow. (Isaiah 1:18) God’s promise not to count our sins against us…but requires repentance on our part.
I had a powerful session today and this word kept coming up, both out loud and inside of my head. Through the years, I’ve struggled to let things go. To allow others to possibly do harm to me, and render them forgiven. My view was more of the “eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.” In some cases, I sought to bring harm before the other person had a chance. “I will hurt you before you can hurt me.” When I read this now, it makes me sad. Sad that I spent so many years of my life in such turmoil. That I was not capable of turning the other cheek, or just walking away. Times, they are a changing.
We’ve all been there, and I’m sure on so many levels. Pain caused by others. Whether it’s from a close family member, your best friend, co-worker, or just a random person on the street. People have a way of being mean. This then forces us to wall up, put on the armor and take no prisoners. To become an impenetrable force. A wall of blackness. If I become the monster, no one can harm me. Where does it go from there? How do we ever take that armor off, and if we do, will we be harmed again?
I’ll take a few of my own examples and we’ll see how this goes. I’ve been married twice prior to finding Karla. Each of my prior marriages ended in some form of sadness, regret, and even anger. The sadness of feeling as though you’ve wasted years of your life with someone that had no business crossing your path, and the regret that you made a mistake and chose poorly. The anger part came about more so with my second marriage. Because both of these women had substance issues, alcohol being the prime issue. I found myself hating my wife at the time, alcohol and the damage it was causing to my family. It seemed as though I was trapped, with no escape in sight. The promises of staying sober, or clean were made and broken. The tears of pain that flowed because a thief was stealing my children’s smiles. The amount of rage and desire to seek revenge were building. Even after she had moved out, I loathed her very presence. I’d reached my breaking point, and decided to visit an Al-anon group.
The rooms (as they’re referred to) are a safe haven. Filled with others that walk in the same type situations that you might. They have loved ones, friends or co-workers that have brought them to this place. Not in a physical sense, but a spiritual. Each of us had reached our bottom and needed to find a way to live. My first few visits had me thinking that I might be in the wrong place. They spoke of things like “working your program”, studying books with quick references about how to move through the day based on what you were feeling. They also spoke of forgiveness. That was something that was not at all on my radar. I didn’t want to forgive her, I wanted to forget her, and perhaps serve up some karma that I felt was taking too long on its own to get to her. A member of this group approached me after one of the meetings. She stated that she’d listened to my story and thought perhaps she could give some advice. As time went on, she became my sponsor and many of the knowledge nuggets she gave to me, I share on here. She told me after a meeting this; “there will come a day when you’ll be grateful that you had this alcoholic in your life.” What was this madness? Grateful, for her? For all that she’d done? There was no fucking way!
Photo by u0412u044fu0447u0435u0441u043bu0430u0432 u0422u043au0430u0447u0451u0432 on Pexels.com
As time went on, I kept to studying my books, thinking things through and accepting that people are truly flawed. That some are predisposed to being alcoholics or drug addicts. That leaves the door open to believe that some of their actions are not necessarily by choice. (Stay with me, this is where it gets hard) I’ve always felt and still struggle with the idea that someone can be sober, know that if they have a drink or do a drug, things will go all the way off the rails. It makes you feel as though they get a pass for all their bad behavior, while you’re left holding the check! Yeah, it’s safe to say that I still struggle with that one, but I’ve remained open to the idea. I think about my father and the hell on earth that he, my uncle and my grandmother went through living with a seriously abusive alcoholic. It caused my father to never drink as an adult. He did still harbor the same demons that you see in an alcoholic, even being dry. My first wife just felt that it was the way of it. She kept it hidden at home, but as time went, became sloppier about it. She too had a mother that was never sober when we’d visit. I can’t think of a single time that she didn’t reek of alcohol, and what impression that had on everyone around her. To my wife at the time, it was just “normal.” That’s just the way “mom” is.
I could go on and on with many different relationships throughout my life where things didn’t go as planned. The question to all of this still remains, how do we find forgiveness? I’ll get into one more scenario. My past has haunted me for many years now. This was part of the discussion again today at my session with my counselor. I’ve had to take the mirror to myself on numerous occasions, and didn’t care for what I was seeing. This makes my counselor question why? What is it that makes you think you’re so bad, so not worthy. Not worthy of love, compassion, forgiveness. Each of the times that my counselor has asked me “when will Robert be forgiven?” It’s brought me to tears. The idea that someone like me still has value has been hard. I know that I’m a better man, and that I’ve done much to turn my life around. I see the fruits of my labor at every turn. Yet for some reason I still harbor this ill will towards myself. Perhaps from many of life’s events, I gave up on myself.
I will tell you all now that I’m making strides, truly. The world that I lived in as a child, and teen is no longer there. I’m turning the corner and just down the way is forgiveness. I can see it now and it’s like a beacon of light. I’m tired, and no longer want to hold onto the darkness that holds me back. I want to be alright with being me. There’s nothing that any one person can say to any of us when we feel lost, hurt, betrayed that’ll make everything alright. You just need to keep moving on. “Let go and let God.” That was another saying in the rooms. Even if you don’t believe in God, it was explained to me that you can just believe in a higher power. Whatever that higher power might be, turn everything over to it. I’ve had moments that I didn’t think I could keep going. I closed my eyes and said to myself that it was all too much, please take it away…and it was gone. Forgiveness stepped in and took the load. Be it forgiving that loved one that’s wronged you, or forgiving yourself for being that crazy mixed up kid that just didn’t seem to do all the right things. Allow yourself to be the hero of the story, and never look back. I will forgive myself, today.
The zombie file 