I’m going to jump into a topic that could get long winded. I’d like to explore relationships on several different levels. Get into the how and why we align ourselves with certain types of people. Is it that we seek a certain type of person to be part of our life, or do these people seek us. There have certainly been many times throughout my life when I’ve encountered less than desirable people. In some cases even had more intimate relationships with them. Later in life I look back and wonder what it was that caused this. Why would I put myself in such a bad position? Let’s take a deeper look at all of this and see how it unwinds.

I’ll start where I usually do and tell you that I was groomed at a young age by a man who knew exactly how to manipulate other humans. He was a master at the craft and did his best to then train me to be the same. This was my first real encounter with someone who I should’ve never let into my life. I was too young to understand what he was doing. I was still trying to learn what the world was all about when he arrived. There was a level of trust because he was friends with my father. We seek approval from our parents, and we use them as a guide when we’re children. If they have this person in their world, well then it must be o.k. for me to have them in mine, right? Predators find their way into all kinds of circles: Friends, family, and social structures such as churches, clubs etc. They know what they’re doing and they know what to look for. This had me asking as an adult, what was I doing that made me such a target? Did I send out some kind of vibe or have some kind of marking on me that said I would be an easy target? I questioned myself for so many years. Sat in silence wondering what I had “done.” Self isolation and self evaluation turned into self hatred. I did this to myself. I brought this upon myself was what I began to think. Nothing could be further from the truth!

As I moved through my life, I continued to be in situations with people that I knew deep inside of me were not going to be good for me. It’s my belief that I did this because of my lack of self-esteem and the damage that had already occurred. When you think so little of yourself, that opens the door for the ones that we should steer clear of to come in. It again brings me to the question, did I invite them? When I was at my most reckless, I didn’t believe that I’d live long. This way of thinking had me doing things that one would normally never do. I chose people who were damaged and broken. They were seeking refuge in my world from whatever demons followed them. Their issues then became mine. This is where things got ugly.

As I stated before. I’m a keen study of humans and tend to notice things that many would not. I could see these people who struggled, or were predators, coming yet did nothing to stop it. Perhaps in some cases I felt that I could “fix” them. Make the world they lived in better somehow. Like I had the power to move mountains. The “white knight syndrome” as I refer to it. I can ride in, fix all the broken and everything will be good again. It just doesn’t work that way with humans. We’re too complex for that. Whether it was the “friends” that I chose to be around, or the women that I chose to be partners with. The results kept coming up the same way. I encountered alcoholics (numerous), stalkers, manipulators and violent humans. When I tell you that I’m surprised that I’ve survived so much of my life, it’s a very true story. I’m grateful that I’m still here and able, as well as willing to talk about all of this.

Being with a person who says that they love you and then does horrible things to you should make you stop and ponder your life situation immediately. While attempting to break apart from a toxic relationship in my life, I found myself on the receiving end of someone telling me that if I left them they would kill themselves. Think about that statement for a second. The weight placed upon you from the guilt that comes with such words. Guilt is a weapon that is used to control. “If you don’t do as I say this will happen and it will be your fault.” That’s what I was hearing. I will tell you now that my response to this was to end the relationship and if this person “chose” to harm themselves, it was not my burden to carry. Yet I could see how someone could fall into that trap. It wasn’t without some serious thought that I came to the decision that I did. I’ll tell you now that this person never harmed themself and moved on in their life. It was nothing more than someone trying to be controlling and take my own power away from me.

The stalker: I dated a woman for only a couple of months and decided that it wasn’t something I wanted to pursue any longer. The response was unsettling. It began with a constant barrage of notes and letters left on my vehicle. A tape recording that had both songs and her speaking was left on the gate of my parents’ home for me. From there it went to being followed while out on runs or when going to the store. She was a police officer in my city so I found myself getting pulled over several times…”just to talk.” When it ramped up into subtle threats, I had to hire an attorney who then sent a letter to the police department asking that she cease and desist. A protective order was also put into place. This finally put an end to what had become a nightmare. Looking over your shoulder all the time is something that I’d done earlier in my life and found myself doing yet again.

The alcoholic that chose the bottle every single time over our relationship: It didn’t matter how reckless it was, or who was hurt along the way. The only thing that mattered at the time was the drink. There were several alcoholics in my world. Some I dated and finally moved on from, two of them I actually married. The ones that I married were very good at hiding their desire for booze. It came out later on once they found their level of comfort with me. I guess they felt that I was on the hook now because of the vows I made, so it was cool to unleash hell. The first marriage was the easy one to walk away from. We had no children and had not been married for that long. I felt tortured that I’d made this “mistake.” The second marriage was much uglier. There were children involved and I was now dealing with the lives of kids who didn’t have a say in all of this. I thought at the time that it would be best to stay in the marriage for the sake of “saving” the kids. Please don’t ever use this way of thinking. The kids suffered damage and would regardless of my relationship with their mother. I couldn’t shield them from the wrath of an angry drunk. I wasn’t around 24/7 to control all situations. I found the strength to push away from her and build something with the kids. More damage came from this relationship and I’d lost faith in myself. How did I let this happen?

A wise and wonderful woman came into my life through Al-Anon and became my sponsor. I live by so much of what she taught me to this very day. We sat together one day and had a discussion about people who have come and gone in our lives and how all the problems came to be. In my case with relationships she made it simple. “You need to readjust your antenna.” While I chuckled at the statement she made it clear that I needed to stop looking for women I felt I could save or change. This also carried over into any other relationships in my life. Think things through and choose people who don’t “need” you. They just simply want to be with you because they choose to. They can stand on their own two feet even if you’re not there. When I made that change for myself, I found that I suddenly attracted better people. My current wife is the one that I found by making that adjustment. She’s capable of being on her own, she needs nothing from me, but chooses to be with me, and I with her. Coming up on 20 years, so I think it’s safe to say that it was a smart move.

I think that the answer to the question of do we seek these people or do they seek us is a combination of both. When you’re broken you can certainly allow yourself to make bad decisions. It doesn’t make you a horrible person, it just means that you’re going to struggle unnecessarily. Fixing whatever it is inside you that needs fixing is the first step. I’ve always agreed with the saying that “you can’t love someone else unless you love yourself first.” Along with this, there are people out there who have similar abilities that I do. They can see things that most don’t pay attention to. They use this for their own personal gains. They use the ability to seek those whom they feel they can manipulate and control. My training early on was on purpose. The man who was training me wanted to turn me into someone who could both see trouble coming and also recognize an easy target. So I know what I’m talking about here. This is part of the pain that I carry now because I see so many around me who struggle, or are tortured in relationships that are broken. I hear their cries of pain without ever getting into all of their details. They’ve been selected by someone who is there to further their own agenda. That’s not love, it’s predatory.

Insanity is often described as “repeating the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result.” I learned that I was repeating the same things and always wanting for something better. It wasn’t until I made changes to myself that I found better results. Understand that just because you’ve made mistakes in your life doesn’t mean that you have no value. Just because you’ve divorced several times doesn’t make you less. I can’t say it enough that we’re all just humans trying to find our way. If you’ve made a poor decision and it’s causing you pain, make the necessary changes to stop that hurt, don’t allow it to fester. There’s no judgment involved in wanting better for yourself. It’s not selfish to want to find peace. If it’s selfish, then sign me up for being selfish, because I want peace more than anything.

I wear a band on my Garmin watch that says “Stalked by Demons, Guarded by Angels.” I’ve been stalked by demons for far too long and welcome the guardians. I want others to do the same. I’m still here today because I’ve always believed somewhere deep inside of me that I was good, that I had value. Even when so many looked the other way. Even when I was preyed upon. I held onto my inner voice. That voice is louder than ever now and I’m finally seeing the light. Ask yourself if you’re willing to do the same. No, none of this has been easy, but no one said that life was. Hold onto that voice and be the change that will bring you peace.

Thank you for following along on my journey

~Robert~