May is Mental Health Awareness Month: Let’s Talk

May 23, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Well, here we are. It’s May again and we’re sitting on the doorstep of Summer. For those who are not aware, May is also Mental Health Awareness Month. I try to make it a point to write something each May so that we can have discussion about one of our most overlooked and misunderstood health issues. It’s taboo to speak about struggling mentally in most corners. In all actuality it should be discussed openly, and some attempt made to give grace and understand when people struggle. Over the last few years I’ve made it part of my own healing process to shed light on the subject. I’m Robert and I struggle with my own mental health. Lets talk about this.

I’ve gone over my background in so many blogs now; I feel like all of you know me pretty well by now. There can be many reasons for someone to struggle with their day-to-day feelings. In all honesty, the more I talk to people, the more I realize that we’re all screwed up in our own way. Now that I’ve thrown that out there, think about yourself for a minute. Are there hidden demons that reside inside of you? I say that right off the bat because that’s where I started out. Many of the events that transpired in my early years lead to the hiding of feelings. I was “trained” to never show emotions. When I was feeling something, I knew it was in my best interest to stuff it down. Years of stuffing everything then turned into this mountain of anger, resentment, and fear that I’d never be well again. Not allowing myself to experience people and moments in my life to their fullest left me empty. I searched for happiness in all the dark corners and prayed to some kind of God to help me find my way.

I’ve had conversations with so many that have been through horrible events in their lives as well. Trauma has many faces and it works on our fears. It messes with our emotions and tempts us to fall deeper into darkness. Don’t go down that path. There is help for all of us out there and believe me when I tell you that it does get better. I’ve stood, alone, in the middle of a park contemplating whether tomorrow was something that I wanted to reach. For me, at that moment it was an awakening brought about by a combination of nature and physical activity. I started out walking and it turned into 40+ years of running. Running saved my life and nature played a part in it as well. To this very day I still head out the door almost daily to get my time in with the outdoors. More walking than running, but the feeling is the same. I’m alive!

No two journeys are the same. No person’s trauma is less important than another’s. I had moments when I talked with someone and felt that I had no reason to feel the way that I do. How could I possibly talk about my problems when they paled in comparison to what someone else was going through. I know that there are many of you out there who have done this. It’s easy to brush our own feelings of sadness or loneliness aside when we make it less important than someone else’s. Why should we put our mental health on a shelf? Why are we so good at making ourselves “less than” others?

Unfortunately the world has sold us on the idea that breaking down mentally means you’re weak. This too was something that I was trained in. The man that groomed me taught me to show nothing because others would exploit it. When in reality, he was the one doing the exploiting. If I showed that I cared for someone, it became a liability. It could put them in harm’s way without them ever knowing it. The pressure to hold back tears at times when I really needed to just set my soul free caused such damage. The few times that I did show emotions was usually in my own room. Hidden from others. Talking myself through so that I could go back out into the darkness and roam…broken and in pain.

First responders, military fighters, health care workers, teachers. The list goes on and on of the many people who do or witness things that put their mental health in jeopardy. The things that our brains have to process are sometimes just too much. The things that I’ve seen play out in my life are things that I’d never wish on anyone. Finding my counselor and processing all of this has been the hardest, yet most rewarding thing that I’ve ever done. Having a professional walk you through all of the mess that has been packed away for years is hard. But I ask you, wouldn’t you rather do that kind of hard? Once I reached my first breakthrough I truly understood how poorly I’d been treating myself for far too long. I never allowed myself to live freely. This is why I chose the title to the book that I’m still working on to be “Silence and Secrets—My journey to breaking free.” I ask that each of you evaluate your own mental wellbeing during this month and throughout the coming months. Ask yourself the hard questions and seek the help you so richly deserve.

Use this month to look around you. Check on others that you might not normally speak with. Ask someone if they’re doing alright and then take the time to actively listen. I know I say this all of the time but words matter. Along with my trauma; I’ve been “gifted.” I have the ability to see through bullshit. There are moments when I can hear the cries for help even though the person is not actually saying the words. I’ve learned to take my trauma and use my abilities for good. I enjoy having conversations with others and really listening to them. I love that people will have open discussions with me because they’ve read my blog. This has been my way of seeking the others who are broken and telling them that it’s alright. Being broken doesn’t mean you’re useless. “Broken crayons still color.”

Take care of yourselves and those around you. Have the conversations that need to be had and take care of your mental health the same way you’d take care of any other part of your body. We spend our lives inside of our own head, and that can be a bad neighborhood. May is mental health awareness month, but I’d like it to become a year round thing. Join me on this journey to better mental health for everyone.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

Slow Down and Breathe

May 9, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

“I’ll do that tomorrow.” “I can’t wait for retirement.” “I have a countdown clock on my phone for retirement.” “I’ll catch up with you sometime.” “We never see each other, we should do this more often.” “I miss you, we need to find time for one another.”

Do any of these things sound familiar? Have you spoken these words out loud? This blog is not going to be about shaming people for saying these things, I’ve said the words myself. This is more about trying to restructure our way of doing things. About setting time aside for the things and the people that are truly important. We wander through our lives always looking for the quickest way to get through. Speed has become a thing. Push to get through everything. Race to the store, sprint through each aisle as if you’re a formula one car on its final lap. All the while navigating your cellphone, planning the next day of work. When do we just stop and breathe? Why do we want to race through the only life we’re given?

As a youth, we’re all aware that I was into things that were less than pleasant. For as hard as things were, I always tried to find something in the day that brought me joy. In my case, it was more about my own survival, and maintaining sanity. While I felt trapped and had times of serious loneliness, I wanted more. I held onto the belief that perhaps I’d find a way to the surface. A place where the sun would warm my cheeks and make me feel alive. I did my best to find those moments.

When I had reached the point where I wasn’t sure I’d be able to continue in my life, walking the park was the turning point. I’ve talked about this in numerous blogs over the years. It was nature that found me, spoke to me, guided me forward. The trees, birds, the sound of the gravel under my running shoes made me feel truly alive. Made me feel that I wanted to be alive and part of this world. Each time that I’ve stepped into a park or onto the road to walk or run, I’ve wished for time to just stop. To stand still and let me just take everything in. I didn’t want to wish myself through the hours that I’d spend out in the sunshine. I never dreaded the soreness of my body. I was awakened to what life was truly about.

Now that I’m older and at times feel I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes; I still long for the simple things in the world. Growing up poor and having very little did one thing to me for sure. I learned that I was capable of surviving on very little. “Things” are just that to me. My desire for “stuff” is very limited. I’m rich already because I have a home to live in, food to eat, water to drink, running shoes to carry me on my adventures and a wife who loves me. When I tell people that all I really need are those things, they look at me as though I’m an alien.

At one point I felt the need to satisfy a childhood dream. I wanted to own a Corvette. I fell in love with the vehicle at a very young age. I dreamed of perhaps one day having one of my own. Well, that day came. I saved my money and purchased a bright yellow Corvette. The excitement of receiving the vehicle was amazing. That feeling faded out quickly and it became just something to wash and park. I began to seek happiness in other vehicles, not knowing that seeking happiness in things was pointless. I sat in my driveway one day looking at my latest “toy car” and wondered how I’d gone off track. I knew inside of me that my happiness was not derived from this vehicle. I felt the most complete spending time wandering. Sitting with my wife in our driveway taking in the sunshine and watching our dogs nap in the grass. Those are the moments that I always wish to slow. I never wish them away or think of the next day. I want to remain in the moment.

I went out this morning on my long walk Saturday and took in all the sights, sounds and smells as I walked. I wanted nothing more than to be at peace. The chaos from the week of work was now behind me and I just wanted to breathe. I cherish these times even more now that I’m “older.” I think about how much more time I have left and feel as though I still have so much yet to see. I have so much more to say, and to write about. I keep asking for time to stand still for me. I’d read an article about the most common thing said by people who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. They all said ” I thought I’d have more time.” While so many take for granted the moments that they’re gifted, there are others who just want to have some of that time back.

I remember having a conversation with my sister Gini after she’d been diagnosed and knew her time was limited. I asked what she wanted out of the time she had left. She wanted to see her daughter graduate from nursing school, get married and have children. When faced with this illness her wish was simply to see her child live. She wanted time to see these things.

I had a discussion with a co-worker the other day that prompted part of this blog. The discussion was based on the question “what would you do if you were told you were dying?” All the things that you’ve planned for. All of the times that you’ve raced through your life. You’re now faced with a very limited amount of time. There’s so much to unpack with that, but I’m certain that I’d want to do all of the things that I love and enjoy now. I’d keep writing until my fingers were unable. I’d take my walks and see everything that I can. I’d love those around me with everything that I am, as I do now. I’d say the things that need to be said and leave nothing out. I’d try with all my might to slow everything down and just breathe.

Please, don’t wish your life away. Time matters, words matter, people around you matter. Take the time to slow everything down. Make yourself just stop when you feel the push of the world. Really see what is around you. I’ve talked about this so many times in my blogs. There is so much out there just waiting to be discovered, you simply need to open your eyes. My wish for all of you today is to slow things down…and breathe.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

The Gray Man: Navigating Identity and Self-Acceptance

April 26, 2026April 26, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

Let’s dive into yet another one of the many topics that I have on my ever growing lists. How I see myself vs how others see me. I’m certain that there will be many that’ll be able to relate to this topic once I start to unpack it. I think we all know by now that I have issues looking at my physical self (face), especially my eyes. I’ve written several blogs that touch on the reasons for my inability to gaze into mirrors. This blog is going to deal with more of the internal components. The things that the brain says. Lets get started.

I know that I’ve touched on my past and the many things that I’ve gone through. Because of the unique situation that I found myself in at a young age; I tend to internalize my value as a person. For many years I did my best to lock away the scared child that resided inside of me. My job became to project a person of strength. A person that should be feared. You see, in the underworld there is no room for error. There is no going back once you’ve been revealed. Because of this, you find yourself unable to understand who you really are. I remember vividly sitting on my porch steps and wondering what would become of me. I felt as though I didn’t even know myself, so what did the rest of the world see when they looked at me?

I’ve referred to myself in past blogs as “the gray man.” An entity that could blend into the background without ever being discovered. I’ve also talked about my inability to look at my own eyes in a mirror. The person that I’ve seen when I’ve done that did not match up with what was inside of me. It became easier to just avoid looking. To continue to project what others may want, or need to see. My parents looked upon me as the good son. They never got a glimpse of the rage, fear, and loneliness that I carried with me. My family never knew about my street life. It was more for their protection than anything. My sisters each had their feelings of who I was as a sibling. This makes me wonder, what is it that they see? Was I so good at hiding everything that they never thought to ask questions? Did I do such a good job at hiding all my secrets that they only saw me as good? Why did no one see the cracks forming? These questions and so many more have ravaged my brain throughout the years. It was time to clean out all the secrets. Time to gaze into the abyss.

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What I’ve worked on over the years was digging out all the stored trauma. Finding a way to understand it and place it back gently. With each visit to my counselor I’d take another step forward. All the while still having the mixed feelings about who I really am. People look at me from the outside and say wonderful things that I struggle to believe. Each time I’d receive a compliment I’d have to pause. “They don’t really mean that.” The other thing would be “you don’t deserve that.” Yes, that is how I’ve seen myself in the past. A person that is undeserving of praise. I’m the “lesser than.” The dirty kid from the East Side. One of the biggest breakthroughs came when my counselor uttered the words “when does Robert forgive himself?” Those words stopped me hard in my tracks. I still tear up when I think about that moment. My entire life I’ve never been able to move blame from myself. I’ve never been able to forgive myself for all that I’ve gone through. I’ve stayed hidden, unable to look in the mirror at my own eyes. The gray man; who is not worthy of praise. I stand before you now a changed man.

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While I still refer to myself as a work in progress, I have a better understanding of who I am. I won’t tell you that I’m able to receive praise without some kind of glitch, but I’m getting better. The person that I see within myself now is much stronger. I think that the tide has turned internally and I’m climbing out from the hole that I dug inside. At times it’s like clawing my way through mud, but still I make progress. I’m getting closer to balancing how I see myself vs how others see me. I’ve taken the role of someone that wants to lead others. I want to be the strength that someone looks to in order to better themselves. Just by sharing all of my stories I feel that I can make a difference. I know that there are others out there that feel as I did. Beating themselves down with self-doubt, and low self-worth. Letting people know that they are seen when they too might feel as I did as the “gray man.” Perhaps they’ll start to claw out of their own hole and reach for the light. I’ll tell you that thinking I could help someone this way gives me strength.

I recently applied for and received a promotion at my workplace. When I received the offer letter I just sat and held it. Reading through the words over and over again. People around me see something in me that I’ve struggled with for so long. My reply to the letter was this; “Thank you for believing in me.” I showed them exactly who I am, all of my brokenness was on display. My voice quivered at times when speaking in the interview, but they still felt I was worth taking a chance on.

I’ll continue to heal my wounds internally. I’ve made a pledge to myself to give grace, to ease up on myself. Perhaps try to adjust the view of myself so that it better aligns with what others are seeing. Offer my strengths, my words, my stories so that people can find healing in it. Keep clawing through the mud and reaching for the light.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

The Power of Silence: From Secrets to Healing

March 15, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

My gosh, it’s been almost two weeks since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been ready, I could feel things building up. There’s a difference between “wanting to write and needing to write.” I’ve reached the point that I need to. I had to ponder all the many ideas that I’d like to discuss. Taking a nice long walk today assisted in getting things into perspective. I had a nice conversation with my sister yesterday about our childhood and that always sparks feelings. I sheds light into the “why” I act the way I do. It also reminds me of the years of silence. I’ve decided to lean into the silence topic and give the different meanings to the same word. How I’ve gone from being made to be silent to silence with purpose. Let’s get into it.

My childhood was chaotic. I’ve shared so much of it on here. I feel everyone should know all the intimate details by now. I’ll give the “cliff notes” version for anyone that is unaware. I grew up in a poor family that struggled to get by. My life became very complicated early on when I found myself getting drawn into a life of darkness. A friend of my fathers befriended me with promises of a better life. Easy money was offered to just study humans. (That was the original hook) From there things escalated into moving shipments around the neighborhoods. Collection of debts soon followed and the person that original seemed so kind and caring became something different. He finally showed his true character and made clear to me that I’d be forever in this system. There was no way out. I wasn’t allowed to speak of anything that I was doing for him, ever. I couldn’t tell my family or friends as they would surely become targets. Lessons on how to act and what to do were a regular thing around this man. I feared him. This is where silence became my life. The book that I’m currently working on is called “Silence and Secrets.” (my journey to breaking free) Silence became such a natural thing. As time went on and I escaped this life, I was lost. I remained silent.

The years that I spent around this man were formidable ones. My learning and thought process was not like a “normal” child. I was unable to connect to others because of fear. I could never be found out, I could never let anyone know what I was really doing. I was scared that someone would come to harm me, or worse, the ones that I loved the most. I struggled with relationships because I could never truly let someone see me for who I am. Friendships were based on nothing. One of the things that I was taught is that nothing in this life is free. Also that you are to trust no one. Stop for a second and think that through. As a child, and that’s exactly what I was. How would you process this? These were the rules of the streets and you had to follow them or you were no longer. When my “boss” finally showed his true self, I remember thinking; I just want to go home. The words came out of my mouth. His reply was “if you don’t follow what I’m saying, you’ll never go home.” From that moment on and for most of my life; sleep would never come.

Fast forward to my adult life. All of this hiding in plain sight. All of this silence, all of the secrets. They finally started to deteriorate me internally. Nightmares were a very regular thing. Sleep was broken into small segments. Rage was the order of the day. I was a trained voyeur and street prowler that had been set free to roam among the normal ones. Dealing with anger became almost too much. I had so much stuffed away that needed to be released. I needed someone to see me. This person came in the form of a counselor that I’d been taking my daughter to. We would have discussions after my daughter’s sessions. One day, she asked if I wanted to come in and talk about me. The immediate reaction was one of terror. My mind raced wondering how I had let my guard down. How did she know? Yet my answer came from another part of me. The word “yes” fell from my mouth so quickly that there was no way to recover it. This began a journey that I’m still on today.

Now, when the word silence comes to mind, it’s more of a “be still.” In my brain when things trigger me, I hear noise. Things become almost impossible to sort out and old ways of dealing with it form. There’s a comfort to falling into the old ways because they were practiced for so many years. It’s easy to lash out, or become violent when it’s what you know. People respond to hostility. They conform when they’re faced with darkness. That is what I learned growing up. Now I know that people respond to kindness, empathy. I never wanted to be the person that was feared. Looked upon as a bully, an enforcer. I simply wanted to be seen and heard. I wanted someone, anyone to hear my cries. My insides were begging to be free. I think I’m finding that now. Silence now is my time to reflect, to breathe. Silence means something clean…no longer a dirty word. Silence is peace. Peace is what I seek in my journey through life. I’ve seen how things go on the other side. There is nothing good there. Silence and secrets in the darkness are unimaginable pain.

Through the years and sessions with my counselor I’ve learned to be true. True to myself. I’ve had to face all of the things I’ve been through and look at them honestly. The hardest thing to do while sitting in front of a wonderful human was to say that I forgive myself. I carried the burden of my youth so long that I owned all of it. I never thought it was someone else that harmed me. I didn’t even realize that I was considered trafficked until very recently. “Forced to do things by threat and intimidation.” My eyes are clear now as I lean into my 60th year on this planet. I’d like to believe that when you look into my eyes now, you see happiness. The sorrow that once hid there is gone.

Zombie is still a part of me. Zombie was a term that came about due to my continual lack of sleep and odd working hours. The name, or persona (Zombie) represented the darker side of me. When I first started counseling I wanted to be rid of all the darkness. I wanted to be free of the “abilities” that came with it. I learned that while these were formed in darkness, they served me throughout my life. Some of these abilities serve me to this very day in my life. I’m still forever watchful, careful, assessing people and places. It never shuts off, but I’ve learned to embrace it. In order for me to be whole and move forward in peace, I have to accept who I am. So, when I say that I’m forever Zombie, there’s truth to that statement. One part cannot exist without the other. Darkness and light. Silence and Stillness. The art of breathing and being still.

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These past weeks have been full of numerous events. Some very challenging, others are more learning who I want to be going forward. “Progress, not perfection.” I may seek perfection, but I’m good with progress. My path needs to keep roaming forward. I often talk about the boy that hides within me. The child that wanted to grow up “normal.” I carry him with me everyday and nurture him. Zombie has protected him from death, and now it’s Robert that needs to give him peace. This is my final challenge. I have accepted it and will see the child that I was flourish in the light.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

p.s. This system once again has made me water down some of my original writing. It’s disturbing to be “Silenced” by a computer generated system that obviously doesn’t understand human behavior or context.

The Power of Being Seen: A Personal Reflection

February 28, 2026February 28, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’ve been sharing my blog site with more people around me of late. My thought is that this gives them a better idea of who and what I am. It also gives them time to reflect on parts of their own life. They might also view things they’ve never thought possible. Either way, I’ve reached a point that I wish to share my story with a broader audience. For those that have just joined, welcome. I’d also like to thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read through my past. I appreciate you reading my current thoughts and dreams for my future as well. Some of the things you’ll read can be very raw. I write based on my emotions, and they tend to pivot. So, hold on.

Recently, after sharing my blog site with some co-workers. One of the women told me this; “I knew when you walked through the door that you were different.” She shared that God had shined on me. She also stated that during my most difficult of times, God was there and protecting me. There was more that was shared in a back and forth conversation. However, the idea that she “saw” me as I am triggered something. There have been only a few in my life that were able to see through my shield. They saw the person that was hiding inside. The idea that someone could look at me and know that I’ve been through the shit, blew my mind. It immediately made me want to sit down and write about it, and here we are.

I’ve always believed that people that are damaged seem to find one another. As I said, there have only been a few that spotted the “real” me right from the start. I’ve had some that were curious based on my mannerisms. They’d poke and prod trying to get to the core of who I am. My counselor was one of the people that spotted me. I’d been taking my daughter to see her for some time and after one of her sessions I was approached. She asked if I’d want to come in and discuss more about myself. I was totally caught off guard. I agreed to see her and we’ve been working on me for a minute now. There have been times that I needed to go weekly. That has now dropped back to more of “as needed” sessions. Much of my past has been dug up, examined and placed in neat order during this time. I’ve learned much about myself. It was only within the past year or so that I’ve really moved forward. Writing on my blog was a huge step. Being able to openly discuss what happened to me has been cleansing. But never did I expect for someone to just state that they already knew, without ever reading a thing.

This made me pause. Was this spiritual person gifted with second sight? I’ve heard of people like this, but I’ve never experienced it in my own life. I’ve talked about my struggles with faith, yet remain open to a higher power. I’ve also talked about the moments in my life that I swear someone, or something stepped in to guide me. People have been placed in my path that turned me in a better direction. I’ve talked numerous times about my going to bed one night and waking the next as a different person. I literally turned my life around based on nothing more than waking up with a conscience. Feelings so new and raw that I had to change my path. I woke from the darkest fog to discover a life that was actually worth living. I felt pain for everything that I’d gone through and for everyone that I’d hurt. Did this woman see these visions as well? I need to know more about this.

Throughout my early years I’ve worked diligently on hiding in plain sight. I kept my life and the darkness hidden from my friends and family for most of my life. I spoke very little of my time in the underworld until now. No one knew, or so I thought. Each one of these encounters has promoted deep thought. With Amy I always figured that there was something I was showing without being aware. I felt the same when this co-worker stated that she knew my struggles. The me of yesterday would be horrified. Staying hidden was a must. Stay out of the light, blend into the woodwork. My job was to be the voyeur, but to never be discovered. Had I met this person in my “previous life,” I would’ve steered clear of her forever. Where I’m at today, it brings me hope, and perhaps some peace. I can speak freely with her. I know that she is not judging me. She sees my curse as a blessing. She feels that my journey can now help others. That is what God’s plan is for me. To let others know that they too can survive.

I talk all the time about the desire to be seen and heard. To have my voice matter. To have someone tell me that “I see you, I’ve always seen you” touches my soul. This gentle, caring human sees me. Not only sees me with all the pain that I carry, but as a light. It’s almost too much to think about. The seeker of light to be looked upon as light? Just wow. Jeremiah 23:24 – “Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see them? declares the Lord.”

While I know lately I’ve bounced around with my topics and some have been on the sad side. I want you all to know that I’m still in a good place. This topic, and this discussion this past week made me feel whole. I often wonder what my purpose is for my remaining days on this earth. I’ve finally learned to forgive myself for my transgressions. I’m still working on the boundaries between Robert and Zombie. I embrace Zombie’s abilities. His gifts if you will. I’ve tried for so many years to separate myself from the darker side. When in truth, the darkness has served me well enough to keep me alive. I now have to learn about this light. For there cannot be one without the other.

I’ll continue my journey. The work must still be done to find balance. There will always be moments that will test my resolve. I’d like to think that I’m prepared to handle them. For those out there in the world that see me, truly see me for everything that I am, thank you. I no longer wish to fade back. My pathway is now forward. I’m told that my path is paved with love and light. I truly hope that it is.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

Robert/Zombie

Chasing Retirement: The Truth Behind Work-Life Balance

February 22, 2026February 23, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I have several topics that have been floating in my brain for a minute now. I’m going to start with one and see if it leads into the next. I’ve had some interesting, and at times sad conversations about life in the late stages with other humans. The idea of retirement and the pursuant of the dream we all seem to strive for. What does that look like for you? Is retirement even on your mind? Things have become complicated in our lives. Rather than focusing on the finish line I find that most are worried more about just surviving. The vision of the “golden years” is not what was sold to us. I feel that it’s more of a fable. Based on these recent conversations and how I’ve viewed people close to me in life, that’s my current stance.

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During my travels at work the other day I happened across several different humans. At each of the stops, I was greeted by big smiles and curiosity about who I was. This turned into more conversation about our time with our employer, life goals, future plans and of course, retirement. Oddly enough, each of these individuals was around my age. They both had several years with our employer. We got into the usual things such as what do you do, how do you like your job. That turned into “when do you want to leave.” The “wanting” to leave vs the “ability” to leave is where things get sketchy.

My wife and I have formulated our best plans on what we’d like to do. We work hard and save everything that we can. I’ve often joked about the employer’s retirement. It’s like a carrot on a string. They keep moving it, so I continue to chase after it. I feel like when I might be in a good position, they change the rules to the game. I think we’re all aware the Social Security and all that comes with it is no different. The game is rigged so that we all continue on this never ending wheel chasing the carrot. The hope is that we never reach it. This way, no one ever has to pay you for your life’s work. They ignore your dedication over your lifetime.

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There are many that work bell to bell and just get by. There’s no safety net, there’s no help to be had. They just struggle to keep afloat. Retirement is not even a dream for them, it’s only something that they hear about. Something that the lucky ones get to enjoy. As I stated at the start, these conversation were intriguing and all seemed to happen within the same day. It was like I was being sent a message to talk about this from the universe. One gentleman stated that he would never see retirement as he got a late start with his current employer. He was doing well now, but it wasn’t always that way. He stated that he prayed to remain healthy enough to keep things going for he and his wife. Health issues had crept into his world and even with good insurance, it caused stress. The guy traveling with him was much the same. He wanted to retire one day but wasn’t sure if he’d make it to retirement age. This stirred my insecurities that I’ve carried with me throughout my life. I’ll never forget the feeling of being hungry or cold. I’ll never forget the road I had to travel to stay alive. The thought of somehow falling back into that kind of worry made my stomach turn. Their stories mirrored one another in so many ways. They were wonderful to speak with and I felt honored that they chose to share so much with me. I hope they find their way in the world and the world is kind to them. I think we all know that it’s hard for me to believe that. I see things through the eyes of Zombie when it comes to these matters. The world is cold and cruel. The reality is that employers don’t care about you. The government cares even less.

The next conversation was with a co-worker that was concerned about reaching retirement. She too had concerns about her future plans and health. As we grow older, things tend to break more often. We also find ourselves dealing with problems that may have been caused from the way we lived earlier on. I often joke. It’s not my age. The mileage on my body is my nemesis. This conversation left us both feeling a bit sad. We have good paying jobs and are doing what we feel is right, but there are still worries. Again, I go back to the whole “golden years.” We should all grow old and happy. We should be healthy with enough money to finish out our life. I’ve seen people dedicate their entire career to an employer. Unfortunately, their retirement was taken away due to poor management at the company. I’ve also seen people simply outlive their money. They somehow managed to stay alive for so long that they ran short in the final stretch. My feeling is this. There has to be a balance to all of this. Is it mathematical, or just a crap shoot? Do we spend all of our waking hours working until we just drop? These are the questions that plague so many of us. Coming from nothing, I view it like this. I know how little I truly “need” to maintain myself. I can survive on very little. While I’d like to be more comfortable in my final stage of life, I’m not greedy. Desires, wants give way to needs. Indulgence gives way to survival. It may sound harsh, or perhaps sad but it’s my view.

I have lived much of my life in a haze of darkness. I desire nothing more than freedom. The temptation of riches means nothing to me. Living in excess is not where I find my happiness. I’ve seen those that worshiped money. I also know what they were willing to do to get it. Unfortunately we all need something to sustain our existence in this world. The question just becomes how much is enough? I’d like to move away from my job in the not so distance future. It’s a means to an end, and nothing more. It doesn’t feed my soul, it only provides money in trade for my time. Life is outside of the doors, or gates if you will. Things that matter are beyond the reach of my employer. I learned long ago that loyalty in business is a one way street.

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The final conversation is probably one that hit the hardest. It made me think of people close to me. During a discussion with this person, he shared something personal. He had a friend at his previous employer who had worked there for 40 years. His friend had grand plans and had finally reached retirement. As a result of all his years working he had a nice pension in place. He was ready to do all the things. Getting on the road and seeing all that he had missed. Visiting people that he hadn’t seen in many years. Spending time with his family. All of these things were sacrificed during his time at work. There was no happy ending here. The gentleman that I was talking to stated that his friend had some health issues right after retirement. Just like that, he was gone. He stated that he was going to his funeral in a few days. “It just doesn’t seem fair” he said. We both became silent for a moment. I told him that I wanted to escape such a fate. I wanted to do as much as possible before my time was up. I wished him well and told him to find his way to retirement soon. Don’t suffer the same fate. As I walked to my car I began to think, how is this even right?

I’ve shared memes with my sister’s on many occasions about not living at work. While I consider myself to be a hard worker, I draw a line when I feel it’s necessary. If I died tomorrow, the flag will not be lowered, my position would be filled by another number. Nothing would stop running because of the loss of one person. The world would keep going. That is the harsh reality. What would matter is that the ones the know me, that care for me would be hurt. I’d like to think that I gave them enough time while still here. I’d like to think that my words, smiles, jokes all mattered to them. Time is a precious commodity. Find that balance and plan your escape. It’s fine to work hard, but never put what’s important second.

Whatever your golden years look like to you, I hope you find them. Remember to find your balance. Trade only what you want to your work. Hold the rest close and cherish every moment. I’ll continue on my journey. Seeker of the light. Creature from the darkness. I’m forever Zombie.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

Finding Your Light: New Year Reflections and Growth

January 1, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

While relaxing after a day of work last night; I started thinking about the new year. All the festivities being previewed on television. All the hype and excitement for a “fresh start”. While 2025 was at times a challenge, and the world is far from great. I did my best to focus on that light that I always reference in my blogs. That light at the end of a tunnel. The sunshine gleaming through the clouds. The light that has guided me on so many occasions in my travels. I come from a world of darkness, but I’ve always remained a seeker of the light.

In times of desperation, I would always tell myself that no matter how bad things got, I’d find a way. That remains in place to this very day. I’d hold onto catch phrases, or lyrics from a song. Something that may seem so mundane to most meant the world to me. Just the idea that “Good will always prevail over evil” meant something to me. I had to believe that it was true. That I wouldn’t be stuck in my own personal hell. I wouldn’t be trapped in a life of abuse, or trauma. “Look for the light” became kind of a mantra. As I’ve stated previously; it came in the form of other humans. It also came in nature. When I was at my lowest, and felt that I might give up, a walk in the park changed my life. I found a reason to wake up another day. The magic of nature was there for me. Yet another road block placed in front of me. One that would keep me from going back down a dark path.

I often wonder what others feel about the new year when it comes knocking. Is there an excitement to it? Do you feel good about leaving the previous year? If so, does that truly give you a clean slate? I’ve always felt that whatever was bothersome to you in one year could easily follow you. Demons are always willing to travel, be it through space or time. The shadows are ever present and wait patiently for you to become vulnerable

Do you wish for newness in the new year? Are you seeking some new adventure? I look to the new year with my usual stance. I’m “cautiously optimistic.” I’ve already stated that I’m the seeker of the light. You know that will continue. What other “things” will come my way with this passing of time? As I age, I’m more aware now than ever that my body is truly crumbling. Things that I have no control over are teasing me with my timeline of mortality. No, I’m not planning on dying anytime soon. I just have items that I’ll have to address and put all of my strength into as I move forward. The new year brings new challenges.

I like to reflect over the previous year. I do this so that I don’t feel it was a total waste. I can’t say that I wish it away. There were moments in time that I’d never trade away in 2025. Whenever I’ve felt that it wasn’t the best year, I simply look back over pictures that I’ve taken. It’s a quick reminder that not all was hopeless. Not all was so bad that I need to kick 2025 aside and just forget it. Here’s something to think about from my past that might help. When I was alone. When I was kept from speaking with my family about so many different things. When I felt that life would always be a struggle. I never wished time away. I did whatever I could to make each moment important, or special. Not every waking moment was traumatic. There were sprinkles of hope, laughter and love. There was always that light. There was always the drive, that desire to make sure that I mattered in the world. Even the simplest task in your day is something to celebrate. Things that you’re doing right now could be something that another is just wishing for. Don’t become complacent in your life…not even for a moment. As my typing teacher said to me after our last meeting. “Robert, live your life, live your life now to the fullest.” There’s that light I was talking about. She rose to the moment and reminded me that my story wasn’t over and I needed to celebrate it. I, in turn want to share those same words with all of you. Live your life, live your life now to the fullest.

As you step forward into 2026; take what I share with you. Hold onto your moments and cherish all of them. Don’t wish time away…it’s the only life we get. Don’t wish to get to your days off, make each day something special. I promised myself that I’d do something each day, for me. It didn’t matter if it was for just a few moments, or the smallest task. What mattered is that it was for myself, and could never be taken away. When you’ve spent as much time as I have closed off and alone; each day is special. If you are worried about the coming year. Look for the light. It will present itself, you just need to be aware and open to it.

I wish for all of you to discover in this new year. I also wish for you to find the happiness that we all want. Be a seeker. Be present in every moment. If you do this, I promise your time on this earth will improve. That being said I want to share something I found on a social media site.

“I promise you can still make a beautiful life for yourself even if you lost many years to addiction, abuse, mental illness or trauma.”

Yes! You can make a beautiful life for yourself…I’m living proof.

Happy New Year to everyone.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

The Gift of Connection: Celebrating Love and Life

December 25, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

As I sit here on the Christmas day, I stop and pause. How lucky I am to be in this home. I’m warm, I’m loved, and I find myself wanting for nothing. Nothing more than being able to continue on my journey of self discovery. Taking the time to seek peace, while passing through the darkness of my past. I’m truly humbled.

From the child that was lost and unsure of life, to the man that I’ve grown to be. I often wonder how I ever made it this far. I can say with great certainty that it wasn’t an easy road. There were moments that I wanted to give up, but something inside of me wouldn’t allow me to. No matter how dark it became, I kept searching for the light. I’m forever grateful to the many people along the way that guided me, listened to me, and noticed me. However I refer to them in my writings (Ghosts, Angels, Humans) they were are all special to me. Each provided something I was seeking and kept me on my road towards serenity.

I share all of this with you today because I’ve been moved yet again on this morning. My wife sees me for who I am. She gifted me a couple of shirts that lets me know she understands me. She knows my struggles better than most and is still able to love me…just the way that I am. She celebrates my victories and sits with me during my struggles. I don’t have to say anything to her, she knows. When you find that kind of connection with someone in your life, it’s truly a gift. There again, I never in my wildest dreams thought that I’d find someone that I could be so open with. That I could trust so completely. Yet here I am.

I take nothing in life for granted. I learned long ago that anything in your life can be snatched in the blink of an eye. Even your life itself can be taken away instantly. It sounds dark and ugly, but it’s truth. Truth is something that I always share in my blogs. So, on this day of worship, I’ll wrap myself in the love that surrounds me. I don’t need to step into a church to feel this way. My church is all around me. I celebrate my life and my rebirth. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I’ll stretch out my wings and fly.

I hope that whatever it is that you do today, you are at peace. I hope that you surround yourself with those that see you, and hear you. Most of all I hope you are loved, on this day and everyday going forward. I thank you all for your unwavering support of my writing, for this is truly my passion. Happy Holidays to you all.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Seeking Perfection

December 14, 2025December 15, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

It’s been a minute since I’ve been able to sit down and get back into my comfort zone. When I tell you that I enjoy writing, it’s for real. All the many things that go through my head that I wish to set free. There’s also the need to finish out thoughts from conversations. I listen to pretty much everyone that takes the time to have an open discussion with me. If you remain open to others, there are things to be learned. That’s something that I learned early. Being trained as a voyeur is not always about what you see, but also the conversations. I take all of this information and process it. The end result is a person that is driven to seek not only truth but the best way forward. My desire for perfection is strong. Like my ability to figure people out, it can be considered both a blessing and a curse. Let’s see if I can reach others with this one. The “need” or “desire” for perfection.

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As I stated, my training early in life was about watching and picking up on details. I learned to notice the smallest things. The study of humans started as a tween and has followed me my entire life. This is one of the many skills I acquired. I consider it to be helpful at times. People have a way of showing you who and what they are without knowing it. The subtle “ticks” that they have will allow you to figure things out about them. Focus too much and it can be maddening. There are times that I just want to be and not assess. This is where the struggle comes in. I have a strong desire to “stay ahead”. This is so I can’t be harmed. Because of this, it’s rare for me to shut down. Back in the day, seeking perfection was a way of staying alive. You can’t show a weakness or someone will exploit it. The armor is always on, and while the weight is tremendous, allowing a slip was deadly.

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Moving forward, these subtle ways of managing life carry into other areas. Everything from the way you keep your home to the relationships you’re in. You have an expectation of yourself that is set at such a high level, it’s almost not obtainable. Imagine those around you when they stumble into your world. I say all the time the humans are flawed. I’m very aware of my shortcomings. I take ownership of each and every flaw that I have. The pressure that I place upon myself to get beyond those flaws is where I can get into trouble. There is literally no one that can come down on me harder than I do with myself. This is an area that I’m still working on. Attempting to free myself from the shackles I’ve placed on my own being.

I started this blog talking about seeing things through the eyes of Zombie. How I’ve viewed life as this voyeur, night crawler, sometimes demon. I’ve opened up my life to all of you. I hope that others will find a way through their own struggles. While doing this, I’ve started my own path to healing. I continue to discuss many topics that I feel can be useful and therapeutic. I see others that struggle with trying to keep things “perfect.” Anything from trying to manage their professional life, to perhaps just having a birthday party. The desire in us to please ourselves as well as others in our orbit can be draining. What is it that makes us this way? When did it start in your own life? This is something that I ponder when having my own thoughts about perfection. Not everyone experienced the type of trauma that I did growing up. So what was it that turned this on in their brain?

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As I’ve aged, there has been a certain amount of wisdom that came about. I’ve learned that I physically can’t be “perfect.” The body is going to do what the body wants to do. I’m quite certain that I’ve had numerous discussions with my body about how it treats me…lol! While my brain says “hey, get your ass moving” the body does it’s own thing. I’ve also learned that all of this seeking of perfection is just too much. Exhaustion is usually the state that I find myself in. Don’t get me wrong, I still push, and I still use the abilities that I have. I’ve just learned that I’m not superman. I’m also not entirely the “Zombie” that I once was. Zombie was relentless in the pursuit of not only perfection, but survival. I’d like to think that I’m beginning to find a balance in all of this. As discussed with my counselor, I “embrace the darker side of me now.” I use the abilities/skills that I’ve acquired from the darkness to continue to survive. I also work towards being gentle with myself at times. I asked myself the question the other day after work…”what does perfection look like in your mind?” It’s not something that I can picture. The reason for this is simple, there really is no “perfect.” Striving to be my best and accepting my flaws is the direction that I’ll travel now. I won’t always be the best at something. I can’t win every battle. My new version of perfect is finding balance. Allowing others to teach me as I go forward in life. Once again that young boy inside of me that always wanted to be invisible. The one that sat quietly studying, watching, listening, and learning is still there. He’s asked that I finally take a step back and breathe. That being said; I digress.

Keep life in front of you. Seek love and light. Be strong in your convictions, but also take the time to be gentle with yourselves. These are all things that I knew very little of earlier in life. Learn from the lessons Zombie has put forth…and just breathe.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

Life…The Long Walk

November 24, 2025November 24, 2025 / Zombie / Leave a comment

There are moments that come about that spark something within me. Strike a nerve if you will. It can be from a casual conversation, a song, a movie or just random thoughts as I wander. Tonight, I was struck by something that was said during a movie. I invited my sister Leanna over to watch “The long walk.” It’s a Stephen King novel turned into a highly anticipated movie. We’d discussed watching for awhile now and finally had the chance. It did not disappoint, but it triggered feelings, and perhaps clarity.

I won’t get into the movie as I don’t want to spoil it for anyone planning on watching it. I will tell you that It’s set in post-apocalyptic times. That alone is something I have nightmares about all the time. Teens are made to walk until there is only one of them left. The two main characters in the movie talk about life while doing the long walk. They discuss how they came to be in this race. They also talked about what they wanted for their future if they won, and so on. The one character was getting upset as the miles began to climb and things became uncomfortable. After he expressed his frustration, the young man next to him advised him. He said he needed to gain control. “You’ve only been out here for a short time. How can you go complaining when you’ve only just begun? I’ve been doing the long walk my entire life.” As he went on to explain his childhood, or lack thereof, the gravity of his emotions grabbed me. I felt what he was saying. I’d been on the long walk as well. Always looking for a way to survive. A way to remain invisible so that I wouldn’t bring unwanted attention to myself. While this was a fictional movie, the message was clear. His life was harsh. He found himself on this long walk as way to a better life. Yet, he made the choice to always survive. To love rather than hate. To cherish friendships over seclusion. He wanted a better world not only for himself, but for others around him.

I found myself full of emotions. Tears welled up in my eyes and thoughts of my life started running wild. While I know where I’ve been, and know the things that I’ve done to survive. I’ve always looked towards hope. I leaned into survival at every turn. Along with these thoughts. I began to feel the connection to my current need to always be moving. My long walks that I cherish so much. This movie showed these young men walking as a way to survive. Staying at a set pace, moving through the miles, they could never stop…or they’d die. I’ve been on this road. I had to keep moving in order to stay alive. The promise to the winner was to be granted a wish. Anything that they desired would be granted, if they were the lone finisher. The winner, the survivor.

My walks now are a time of reflection. A way to shed the weight of the world. A time to remember where I came from and what I’m capable of. A step back in time, as well as a glimpse of my future. I’m still on that long walk but it feels different. I feel that I’ve shifted from the character in the movie that was full of darkness and driven by anger. I’ve become more of the one that chooses love, light and happiness. I think I always have, I just hadn’t realized it until now. Even at the darkest times, I wanted to find something better. I was thirsty for what others had, and drank in all of their positive energy. I held onto those that would make me feel better inside. All the while I was still on my long walk. These were the humans that may have carried me when I felt exhausted. The humans that looked after me when I felt no one cared. They were on my road making the long walk right along with me.

Life is a long walk. It’s full of peaks and valleys, rain, snow and sunshine. It wears your body down, but fills you with energy at the same time. It forces you to make choices and do things that are frightening. It test you with temptations and gifts you with all beauty of the world. The long walk is our lives. When we stop, we die. We don’t stop in the dramatic way depicted in movies. Instead, when we truly stop trying, pushing, striving, caring, and loving, we die. I learned tonight that while my journey early on in my life was dark and sad at times. I’m still here, still moving, still walking. I’m still alive and that’s something to celebrate. I want to be the one that cherishes what’s left of my life. Cherishing my loved ones, my friendships, my tribe.

The long walk is for all of us, step wisely. Hold onto hope and never quit. Reach for that finish line and be the survivor that’s granted your greatest wish. Until that day comes…I’ll see you on the road, of life!

~Robert~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

love

May is Mental Health Awareness Month: Let’s Talk

Slow Down and Breathe

The Gray Man: Navigating Identity and Self-Acceptance

The Power of Silence: From Secrets to Healing

The Power of Being Seen: A Personal Reflection

Chasing Retirement: The Truth Behind Work-Life Balance

Finding Your Light: New Year Reflections and Growth

The Gift of Connection: Celebrating Love and Life

Seeking Perfection

Life…The Long Walk