The topic I’d like to get into today is self-isolation. I’ve had so many discussions with people about how they feel toward other humans. “I really hate people.” “I don’t want any people today.” There’s always the classic, “People suck.” There’s a great deal of sadness that come into me when I hear these words, or worse, hear myself saying them. It takes me back in time. I feel the isolation that I put myself in for some 40 years of my life. I still had relationships, went to work, did things. I just wasn’t being truthful about who I was, and what I struggled with. I closed off that section to everyone. At that time, it was as though you approached a room with a “do not disturb’ sign attached to the door handle. I didn’t want you to enter. I didn’t want to be with people.

“My own Prison” Of course I’ll attach this to a song because with my isolation I leaned heavily on music to keep some form of sanity. “My own Prison” was another song that resonated with me. The lyrics were powerful, heavy and had meaning that I could feel. I felt unworthy, broken and dirty. I’d reached a point where I wished every day that someone would be able to figure me out. That they’d see beyond the mask I wore. Self isolation is a prison. “Nothing in this world can torment you as much as your own thoughts.” I knew this to be true but kept things hidden anyway. What could anyone possibly have to offer that would make things better? You reach a point where you become unwilling to even entertain the idea that you can be helped. It’s a perpetual cycle. Like a rat on a wheel you keep processing things in your head and – surprise – getting the same conclusions.

This is my way of trying to warn others that isolation is not the answer. Trying to step away from or out of life will cure nothing. Leaving the living to become the un-dead is not what you might think it is. I’d use adjectives like loneliness, sadness, depression, and painful to describe what comes with self-isolation. It’s hard for me to understand why someone would try so hard to remove themselves when I’ve been working so hard to come out of the very thing they’re seeking. I hated all of it. The day that I truly realized I was trapped in my prison, it was as though a part of me died. The fun, caring youthful kid became something else. Something much darker. If I had the talent to draw my feelings, what I see in my mind is a child sitting at the bottom of a well, or some other form of darkness… Looking upwards towards the light. While it’s visible to his eyes, it’s as though it’s a million miles away and not obtainable. Love and light are just too far away, and there’s no one with a rope long enough to pull me out.

I spend some time alone nowadays but I choose being with those that I love far more. I’ve learned to be good with who I am now. Because I’m open about my life, it doesn’t feel the same. I go places and make myself be open and present in the moment. I actively listen to others, even strangers, who just want a moment to share whatever it is they feel the need to share. I say all the time that “everyone wants to be heard.” It’s very true…myself included. Not all people suck. I’ve seen the worst of them out there and can tell you that the good ones far exceed the bad. If you close yourself off to everyone, you’ll miss out on the opportunity to find the good. If you see everyone as harmful, you’ll never really feel life.

I know I’m throwing a lot out there today but I’ve had my own struggles of late. An altercation at my gym, a small meltdown at a crowded restaurant while on a weekend getaway with my wife. These things do happen and rather than just shut myself all the way down, I’ve been owning my feelings and taking steps to correct my actions. I’ve reached out to my counselor because of these types of moments in time. I want to see if there’s something still sitting below the surface in me that I need to work on. Both of my events were very hard for me to process. I didn’t want to resort to violence with the guy at the gym, but felt my “space” being taken over. I felt unsafe and threatened and when that happens bad things usually follow. I should’ve just walked away.

I want so much to part part of this world. I feel as though I’m on borrowed time and need to hurry. I missed so much by locking myself away. Don’t make the same mistakes that I have. Don’t step away, bring yourself all in. You don’t want to be sitting in the bottom of that well looking up and praying for help. Don’t design your own prison. Break free and live.

I’ve attached the lyrics to the song “My own prison” by the band Creed. It’s one of many songs that has touched me.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We’re all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A lion roars in the darkness
Only he holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally

Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain’t got no time

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We’re all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I’ve created my own prison
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I’ve created my own prison

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We’re all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We’re all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

Should’ve been dead on a Sunday morning
banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain’t got no time