On my morning walkabout yesterday I was going through some of my favorite bands and songs on my playlist. I happened upon a song that has always been the full package for me. It’s loud, powerful and is delivered with serious passion. The band is Godsmack. The song in question is “Releasing the Demons.” I think by now we all know that this has been my desire. The releasing of all that has sat deep inside of me. The very idea of getting everything that’s tortured me out sounds blissful.

Once again it reminds me that my story is one that is shared by many. The lyrics are such that I felt I’d been the one to sit down and pen them out. Many of the same feelings are carefully played out throughout this excellent piece of music. They take me through all that I’ve seen and experienced on a fast track. The brain feels like it’s on a bullet train and you’re viewing life through the windows. I connect this way to my music.

I’m sure that many of you have “special” songs. You find yourself throwing them on repeat for what feels like an endless number of times. If a song strikes a chord in you, it’s as though you never want it to end. Great music can be that bond we want to feel with so many parts of our lives. To hear someone else tell your story makes you feel seen, special and connected. When I’m having tough, or darker days, it’s especially helpful to turn on a song like that. You feel the music and the lyrics lift you up. Strength starts to pulse within you once again. You can get so caught up in that moment that you might find yourself yelling out loud… “Yeah!”

I’ve found myself in kind of a strange spot of late. A few things have changed in my space that have me working harder to hold the line. I know that life will forever ebb and flow. I do my best to roll with it. I adjust accordingly so that I can hold on to the ground that I’ve gained. Old ways that are so familiar and comfortable try to creep in when life is hard. People that I deal with make me want to internally wall back up. Frustration can turn to rage when not kept in check.

I was frustrated. I attempted to write the other day. However, the AI assistant blocked my blog. I read through it several times questioning what was wrong. There was no profanity. The subject matter was not even harsh. I did my best to rewrite things that I thought might be holding it back, but nothing worked. The end result was a lot of cussing and finally just deleting the entire piece of work. This was one of the reasons that I started wanting to write my book. I want to be able to say exactly what I want to say. I don’t want someone, or something to tell me what I can say. I know my life. I know what my feelings are and how I want to express them. To be censored on anything is just wrong. The end result was to take those feelings and attempt to redirect them in a positive direction. I chose to exorcise “the demons.”

Where do I go from here? There are many things that I hope to eventually tell all of you. If it ends up all just going into the book, then so be it. I’ll do my best to dance around the AI on here and hope to get as much out as possible. Some of the things that have changed will be discussed with my counselor. I can just tell you that I’m not yet fully clear of some of the people from my past. I’m trying to find a way through this. Which leads me back to the original song that I spoke of. “Releasing the Demons” I need to keep pushing and searching for that light, that peace. Every time the old feelings of guilt crawl back in, or regret for the sins committed… I have to release myself from all of it.

While this may seem on the darker side. I want you all to know that I still remain positive about my progress. I know that I have a strong base of humans to guide me. I also know when it’s time to pick up the phone and ask for help. My counselor knows how to do just that. For that, I’m grateful. I’ll keep writing and sharing. Sharing my steps, and missteps is good for me. Hopefully someone else can learn from this as well. Sharing and thinking that my experiences might help someone else is part of my recovery.

I’ve attached the lyrics for the song “Releasing the Demons” by the band Godsmack below.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~

GODSMACK
Miscellaneous
Release The Demons
What do you see in the dark
when the demons come for you

If only you could have seen
how fucked up my life used to be
then everything starts to change
supposedly healing my pain
I never thought I’d feel this way
I never thought that I’d see a day
I’d run away from anything or anywhere or anyone
Its all these demons haunting me
Its all these little things trapped inside of me
Releasing me from all my sin
Its taken me all my anger
And taken me all of my hate
To learn how my life came together
Releasing the demons again

And now I look through my minds eye
And see where my past needs to rest
Its always disturbed by these voices
That echo inside of my head
Another way that I can hide
Another reason to crawl inside and get away
from everything and everywhere and everyone
NO!
Its all these demons haunting me
Its all these little things trapped inside of me
Releasing me from all my sin

Its taken me all my anger
And taken me all of my hate
To learn how my life came together
Releasing the demons……again

Facin the days as I grow into my own
Loving and hatings the same
And three-fold I told you
it comes back with laughter
Over and over again
Its coming back

Its taken me all my anger
And taken me all of my hate
To learn how my life came together
Releasing the demons again