The continuing saga of life. While my story is still writing itself, I prefer the current chapters most. The earlier chapters were plagued with trauma and confusion. I still look at myself as one of the lucky ones. Through everything, I held onto a belief that I could/would someday be whole. That I deserved better and to strive for it. It doesn’t mean that other people were lesser. Some who were in a similar life situation simply chose different routes. There were some who enjoyed the world that they found themselves in and continued down that path. Chaos and control has its own level of comfort.

I’ve begun working on my darker side. My counselor and I have started to explore why I do some of the “same old things” I’ve always done. Why I still walk the streets that I grew up on. Why I lack the ability to fear others. Why I project a force of darkness. This is an area of exploration that is puzzling to me. I’ve grown older and I’d like to believe wiser along the way. I know that there’s nothing good waiting for me in some of the areas that I go through. During our previous conversation, my counselor explained the risks. A good deal of the places I wander are filled with extreme danger. She stated that she didn’t want me to get shot, and that I needed to consider Karla. She’s right. I know that she is, but I stayed away for less than a week from roaming where I felt “comfort.”

Trying to explain why I feel comfort in such terrible areas sounds “crazy.” For years I was trained not to feel anything. I don’t look at the danger or risks the same way that others do. When I walk, I assess risks. I take in everything around me and process it. I know where danger resides and I always feel that I have a way to counter it. I was asked recently if I feared being shot. My response was “I don’t want it to happen.” I’ve been threatened with guns before, and again, felt nothing.

I explained during my last session that I also feel that. If I stop walking in these areas, I’ll lose my “edge.” So, just by me saying that, it implies that I’m unwilling to let go. While I seek peace and desire better in my life, I still hold onto my darkness. Life in a split screen if you will. I desire the suburbs yet find them boring. I also don’t feel like I fit in. It’s a strange place to be in at this point in my life. Trying to find ways to calm the beast and still be good is the balance.

This writing comes on the heels of a wonderful getaway with my wife. We traveled to some beautiful parts of the country and explored. We met new people and dogs! That made the trip even better. Seeing the beauty that the world has to offer tends to calm me. Being close to my wife and sharing in the time made it even better. We celebrated 19 years of marriage, another year of me still walking this earth and just being alive. I’m still dumbfounded that I’m still here. I actually had time to just lay flat on the beach and watch the clouds. I’ve not done that in so long, it was amazing. Watching small children play in the sand, birds working hard to get goodies from the edge of the ocean. These things make my restlessness slow. We took walks around the neighborhoods and once again, my sharp edge came back to life. Watching for predators. Walking into the small beach town and being close to places that had live bands and alcohol made me uneasy. My distrust for drunks runs deep. Everything in me tightens and my “bring it on” face appears.

I’ve done well for long stretches. I’m much more aware of my feelings now. I try to remember what exactly makes me uneasy and then link it. If I react out of a trauma response, I try to assess why. I do my best now to understand feelings in my body as well. The mind-body connection is so valid. When I become hyper vigilant, my breathing changes, stomach tightens and my jaws clench. It’s as though I’m preparing for a battle. The same things happen during therapy. If we discuss something that is upsetting, I get so “revved” up. My counselor is good about pointing all of these things out so that we can discuss them. The more aware I become, the better things will be.

Life will continue to ebb and flow. I can say that I’m happy to have made it this far. I’m thankful for all that I have, and for all who are around me. My support system is vast and unwavering. That is key to my success going forward. When I think of those who didn’t find this path, or choose it. I don’t judge because I know that part of my success has been love. I have people in my life who love me and always will. Not all can say that.

I’ve added the newest tattoo to my ever growing collection. It’s a semicolon. This represents “a symbol of strength, resilience and hope in the face of mental health struggles.” It resides close to my “Survivor” tattoo. I’m letting the world know that my story is not over yet. Perhaps I’m letting myself know that my story is not over yet. I’ve struggled, I’ve fallen down, I’ve seen too much in life, and I still choose to be here. I share my struggles to find the answers that I seek. I also hope to help others do the same. We can all continue our stories in spite of our challenges.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert~