It’s been a minute since I’ve been able to sit down and get back into my comfort zone. When I tell you that I enjoy writing, it’s for real. All the many things that go through my head that I wish to set free. There’s also the need to finish out thoughts from conversations. I listen to pretty much everyone that takes the time to have an open discussion with me. If you remain open to others, there are things to be learned. That’s something that I learned early. Being trained as a voyeur is not always about what you see, but also the conversations. I take all of this information and process it. The end result is a person that is driven to seek not only truth but the best way forward. My desire for perfection is strong. Like my ability to figure people out, it can be considered both a blessing and a curse. Let’s see if I can reach others with this one. The “need” or “desire” for perfection.

As I stated, my training early in life was about watching and picking up on details. I learned to notice the smallest things. The study of humans started as a tween and has followed me my entire life. This is one of the many skills I acquired. I consider it to be helpful at times. People have a way of showing you who and what they are without knowing it. The subtle “ticks” that they have will allow you to figure things out about them. Focus too much and it can be maddening. There are times that I just want to be and not assess. This is where the struggle comes in. I have a strong desire to “stay ahead”. This is so I can’t be harmed. Because of this, it’s rare for me to shut down. Back in the day, seeking perfection was a way of staying alive. You can’t show a weakness or someone will exploit it. The armor is always on, and while the weight is tremendous, allowing a slip was deadly.

Moving forward, these subtle ways of managing life carry into other areas. Everything from the way you keep your home to the relationships you’re in. You have an expectation of yourself that is set at such a high level, it’s almost not obtainable. Imagine those around you when they stumble into your world. I say all the time the humans are flawed. I’m very aware of my shortcomings. I take ownership of each and every flaw that I have. The pressure that I place upon myself to get beyond those flaws is where I can get into trouble. There is literally no one that can come down on me harder than I do with myself. This is an area that I’m still working on. Attempting to free myself from the shackles I’ve placed on my own being.

I started this blog talking about seeing things through the eyes of Zombie. How I’ve viewed life as this voyeur, night crawler, sometimes demon. I’ve opened up my life to all of you. I hope that others will find a way through their own struggles. While doing this, I’ve started my own path to healing. I continue to discuss many topics that I feel can be useful and therapeutic. I see others that struggle with trying to keep things “perfect.” Anything from trying to manage their professional life, to perhaps just having a birthday party. The desire in us to please ourselves as well as others in our orbit can be draining. What is it that makes us this way? When did it start in your own life? This is something that I ponder when having my own thoughts about perfection. Not everyone experienced the type of trauma that I did growing up. So what was it that turned this on in their brain?

As I’ve aged, there has been a certain amount of wisdom that came about. I’ve learned that I physically can’t be “perfect.” The body is going to do what the body wants to do. I’m quite certain that I’ve had numerous discussions with my body about how it treats me…lol! While my brain says “hey, get your ass moving” the body does it’s own thing. I’ve also learned that all of this seeking of perfection is just too much. Exhaustion is usually the state that I find myself in. Don’t get me wrong, I still push, and I still use the abilities that I have. I’ve just learned that I’m not superman. I’m also not entirely the “Zombie” that I once was. Zombie was relentless in the pursuit of not only perfection, but survival. I’d like to think that I’m beginning to find a balance in all of this. As discussed with my counselor, I “embrace the darker side of me now.” I use the abilities/skills that I’ve acquired from the darkness to continue to survive. I also work towards being gentle with myself at times. I asked myself the question the other day after work…”what does perfection look like in your mind?” It’s not something that I can picture. The reason for this is simple, there really is no “perfect.” Striving to be my best and accepting my flaws is the direction that I’ll travel now. I won’t always be the best at something. I can’t win every battle. My new version of perfect is finding balance. Allowing others to teach me as I go forward in life. Once again that young boy inside of me that always wanted to be invisible. The one that sat quietly studying, watching, listening, and learning is still there. He’s asked that I finally take a step back and breathe. That being said; I digress.

Keep life in front of you. Seek love and light. Be strong in your convictions, but also take the time to be gentle with yourselves. These are all things that I knew very little of earlier in life. Learn from the lessons Zombie has put forth…and just breathe.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert~