My gosh, it’s been almost two weeks since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been ready, I could feel things building up. There’s a difference between “wanting to write and needing to write.” I’ve reached the point that I need to. I had to ponder all the many ideas that I’d like to discuss. Taking a nice long walk today assisted in getting things into perspective. I had a nice conversation with my sister yesterday about our childhood and that always sparks feelings. I sheds light into the “why” I act the way I do. It also reminds me of the years of silence. I’ve decided to lean into the silence topic and give the different meanings to the same word. How I’ve gone from being made to be silent to silence with purpose. Let’s get into it.

My childhood was chaotic. I’ve shared so much of it on here. I feel everyone should know all the intimate details by now. I’ll give the “cliff notes” version for anyone that is unaware. I grew up in a poor family that struggled to get by. My life became very complicated early on when I found myself getting drawn into a life of darkness. A friend of my fathers befriended me with promises of a better life. Easy money was offered to just study humans. (That was the original hook) From there things escalated into moving shipments around the neighborhoods. Collection of debts soon followed and the person that original seemed so kind and caring became something different. He finally showed his true character and made clear to me that I’d be forever in this system. There was no way out. I wasn’t allowed to speak of anything that I was doing for him, ever. I couldn’t tell my family or friends as they would surely become targets. Lessons on how to act and what to do were a regular thing around this man. I feared him. This is where silence became my life. The book that I’m currently working on is called “Silence and Secrets.” (my journey to breaking free) Silence became such a natural thing. As time went on and I escaped this life, I was lost. I remained silent.

The years that I spent around this man were formidable ones. My learning and thought process was not like a “normal” child. I was unable to connect to others because of fear. I could never be found out, I could never let anyone know what I was really doing. I was scared that someone would come to harm me, or worse, the ones that I loved the most. I struggled with relationships because I could never truly let someone see me for who I am. Friendships were based on nothing. One of the things that I was taught is that nothing in this life is free. Also that you are to trust no one. Stop for a second and think that through. As a child, and that’s exactly what I was. How would you process this? These were the rules of the streets and you had to follow them or you were no longer. When my “boss” finally showed his true self, I remember thinking; I just want to go home. The words came out of my mouth. His reply was “if you don’t follow what I’m saying, you’ll never go home.” From that moment on and for most of my life; sleep would never come.

Fast forward to my adult life. All of this hiding in plain sight. All of this silence, all of the secrets. They finally started to deteriorate me internally. Nightmares were a very regular thing. Sleep was broken into small segments. Rage was the order of the day. I was a trained voyeur and street prowler that had been set free to roam among the normal ones. Dealing with anger became almost too much. I had so much stuffed away that needed to be released. I needed someone to see me. This person came in the form of a counselor that I’d been taking my daughter to. We would have discussions after my daughter’s sessions. One day, she asked if I wanted to come in and talk about me. The immediate reaction was one of terror. My mind raced wondering how I had let my guard down. How did she know? Yet my answer came from another part of me. The word “yes” fell from my mouth so quickly that there was no way to recover it. This began a journey that I’m still on today.

Now, when the word silence comes to mind, it’s more of a “be still.” In my brain when things trigger me, I hear noise. Things become almost impossible to sort out and old ways of dealing with it form. There’s a comfort to falling into the old ways because they were practiced for so many years. It’s easy to lash out, or become violent when it’s what you know. People respond to hostility. They conform when they’re faced with darkness. That is what I learned growing up. Now I know that people respond to kindness, empathy. I never wanted to be the person that was feared. Looked upon as a bully, an enforcer. I simply wanted to be seen and heard. I wanted someone, anyone to hear my cries. My insides were begging to be free. I think I’m finding that now. Silence now is my time to reflect, to breathe. Silence means something clean…no longer a dirty word. Silence is peace. Peace is what I seek in my journey through life. I’ve seen how things go on the other side. There is nothing good there. Silence and secrets in the darkness are unimaginable pain.

Through the years and sessions with my counselor I’ve learned to be true. True to myself. I’ve had to face all of the things I’ve been through and look at them honestly. The hardest thing to do while sitting in front of a wonderful human was to say that I forgive myself. I carried the burden of my youth so long that I owned all of it. I never thought it was someone else that harmed me. I didn’t even realize that I was considered trafficked until very recently. “Forced to do things by threat and intimidation.” My eyes are clear now as I lean into my 60th year on this planet. I’d like to believe that when you look into my eyes now, you see happiness. The sorrow that once hid there is gone.

Zombie is still a part of me. Zombie was a term that came about due to my continual lack of sleep and odd working hours. The name, or persona (Zombie) represented the darker side of me. When I first started counseling I wanted to be rid of all the darkness. I wanted to be free of the “abilities” that came with it. I learned that while these were formed in darkness, they served me throughout my life. Some of these abilities serve me to this very day in my life. I’m still forever watchful, careful, assessing people and places. It never shuts off, but I’ve learned to embrace it. In order for me to be whole and move forward in peace, I have to accept who I am. So, when I say that I’m forever Zombie, there’s truth to that statement. One part cannot exist without the other. Darkness and light. Silence and Stillness. The art of breathing and being still.

These past weeks have been full of numerous events. Some very challenging, others are more learning who I want to be going forward. “Progress, not perfection.” I may seek perfection, but I’m good with progress. My path needs to keep roaming forward. I often talk about the boy that hides within me. The child that wanted to grow up “normal.” I carry him with me everyday and nurture him. Zombie has protected him from death, and now it’s Robert that needs to give him peace. This is my final challenge. I have accepted it and will see the child that I was flourish in the light.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

p.s. This system once again has made me water down some of my original writing. It’s disturbing to be “Silenced” by a computer generated system that obviously doesn’t understand human behavior or context.