The continuing saga of life. While my story is still writing itself, I prefer the current chapters most. The earlier chapters were plagued with trauma and confusion. I still look at myself as one of the lucky ones. Through everything, I held onto a belief that I could/would someday be whole. That I deserved better and to strive for it. It doesn’t mean that other people were lesser. Some who were in a similar life situation simply chose different routes. There were some who enjoyed the world that they found themselves in and continued down that path. Chaos and control has its own level of comfort.
I’ve begun working on my darker side. My counselor and I have started to explore why I do some of the “same old things” I’ve always done. Why I still walk the streets that I grew up on. Why I lack the ability to fear others. Why I project a force of darkness. This is an area of exploration that is puzzling to me. I’ve grown older and I’d like to believe wiser along the way. I know that there’s nothing good waiting for me in some of the areas that I go through. During our previous conversation, my counselor explained the risks. A good deal of the places I wander are filled with extreme danger. She stated that she didn’t want me to get shot, and that I needed to consider Karla. She’s right. I know that she is, but I stayed away for less than a week from roaming where I felt “comfort.”
Trying to explain why I feel comfort in such terrible areas sounds “crazy.” For years I was trained not to feel anything. I don’t look at the danger or risks the same way that others do. When I walk, I assess risks. I take in everything around me and process it. I know where danger resides and I always feel that I have a way to counter it. I was asked recently if I feared being shot. My response was “I don’t want it to happen.” I’ve been threatened with guns before, and again, felt nothing.
I explained during my last session that I also feel that. If I stop walking in these areas, I’ll lose my “edge.” So, just by me saying that, it implies that I’m unwilling to let go. While I seek peace and desire better in my life, I still hold onto my darkness. Life in a split screen if you will. I desire the suburbs yet find them boring. I also don’t feel like I fit in. It’s a strange place to be in at this point in my life. Trying to find ways to calm the beast and still be good is the balance.
This writing comes on the heels of a wonderful getaway with my wife. We traveled to some beautiful parts of the country and explored. We met new people and dogs! That made the trip even better. Seeing the beauty that the world has to offer tends to calm me. Being close to my wife and sharing in the time made it even better. We celebrated 19 years of marriage, another year of me still walking this earth and just being alive. I’m still dumbfounded that I’m still here. I actually had time to just lay flat on the beach and watch the clouds. I’ve not done that in so long, it was amazing. Watching small children play in the sand, birds working hard to get goodies from the edge of the ocean. These things make my restlessness slow. We took walks around the neighborhoods and once again, my sharp edge came back to life. Watching for predators. Walking into the small beach town and being close to places that had live bands and alcohol made me uneasy. My distrust for drunks runs deep. Everything in me tightens and my “bring it on” face appears.
I’ve done well for long stretches. I’m much more aware of my feelings now. I try to remember what exactly makes me uneasy and then link it. If I react out of a trauma response, I try to assess why. I do my best now to understand feelings in my body as well. The mind-body connection is so valid. When I become hyper vigilant, my breathing changes, stomach tightens and my jaws clench. It’s as though I’m preparing for a battle. The same things happen during therapy. If we discuss something that is upsetting, I get so “revved” up. My counselor is good about pointing all of these things out so that we can discuss them. The more aware I become, the better things will be.
Life will continue to ebb and flow. I can say that I’m happy to have made it this far. I’m thankful for all that I have, and for all who are around me. My support system is vast and unwavering. That is key to my success going forward. When I think of those who didn’t find this path, or choose it. I don’t judge because I know that part of my success has been love. I have people in my life who love me and always will. Not all can say that.
I’ve added the newest tattoo to my ever growing collection. It’s a semicolon. This represents “a symbol of strength, resilience and hope in the face of mental health struggles.” It resides close to my “Survivor” tattoo. I’m letting the world know that my story is not over yet. Perhaps I’m letting myself know that my story is not over yet. I’ve struggled, I’ve fallen down, I’ve seen too much in life, and I still choose to be here. I share my struggles to find the answers that I seek. I also hope to help others do the same. We can all continue our stories in spite of our challenges.
Counseling session was yesterday. The day was busy and trying to get everything squared away threw me off a bit. I ran late getting to the appointment, which is not like me at all. Racing in, kicking my shoes off and finding my comfort spot on the couch had to come quick. I’d been looking forward to this discussion with my counselor. I’ve had sleep problems and had the past come to visit me. I needed to find comfort and guidance.
I felt as though I was just throwing words all over the place in no apparent order. I kept apologizing for jumping around with my thoughts, struggling for the right words. Amy knows me well and can tell when I’m restless. On this day it was so obvious. I couldn’t sit still, pulling on my limbs, rubbing on my foot. The agitation that festered in me was seeping through. She asked hard questions, but I’m used to that. At times I felt guarded, even though I’m so comfortable with her. She wanted to know more about my dark side.
My fear has been and continues to be that the darkness will take over. I fear the loss of control – of coldness, uncaring, vindictive, and angry feelings. I carry these things with me. I take no pride in them, but they’re a part of me. The discussion brought us back to why I still walk the streets where I grew up. I never seem to have a clear answer to it. I always say that I feel a level of comfort there. I don’t fear anything, although I probably should. I know that evil lurks around almost every corner of these streets. There are always eyes upon you, examining, watching and assessing you. I know this because I did much the same. “Outsiders” are not welcome. This can be said in almost any neighborhood.
I was asked if I was in a more prominent neighborhood would I feel welcome or out of place. I’d feel out of place and unwelcome. These feelings come from years of being looked upon as garbage, or of lesser value. Being poor in America can feel like a crime all on its own. When you wear second-hand clothes, or have to walk everywhere. Perhaps you ride the bus or share a bedroom with siblings because it’s the only space you have. These kinds of things don’t make you “suitable” in some areas. I admit that I have a chip on my shoulder. I take issue with those who look down on people who struggle. I think it shows on my face, or at least I’ve been told. People have told me that when they see me walking they think I look different. I look intimidating and unapproachable. I think Amy described it well. She said I have a “bring it on” attitude. She’s right, and in having this I put myself at risk. So, why do I continue to do this? Why do I continue to walk these streets?
The next meetings are going to be more about digging into this darkness. It’s an uncomfortable topic. It always makes me think of a writing by Friedrick Nietzsche. “If you stare at the Abyss long enough, it stares back at you.” His writing is thought provoking, yet skewed. The concept of looking into the darkness that resides within is both terrifying and intriguing. The journey into said place will be draining I’m sure. I’ve stated numerous times that I have problems looking into the mirror because I don’t care for what I see. This would be the next level. Not only looking at myself in a mirror, but truly looking at myself on the inside. Mysteries are there to hopefully be solved. I’ll accept the challenge and work to move forward. I have to believe that there’s better on the other side.
I’d like to take this time to remind everyone that September is National Suicide Prevention month. There are so many who struggle with things that even I can’t comprehend. Take some time to look out for others. Step into a space that might be uncomfortable. Observe those who have reached a point of brokenness where they see no other avenue but to leave this earth. This is part of the reason that I continue to write. If you’re out there and struggling, I see you. I want you to know that you can make it another day. “One day at a time.” We are all humans and have value.
National mental health crisis hotline is 800-273-TALK (8255) or you can simply dial “988” for the Suicide and Crisis lifeline.
I sit and gaze across the landscape. It’s a country that I no longer recognize. I find my thoughts wandering. How did it get this way? Where did we go so wrong? The creeping death that roams the streets of cities and states. Hatred of others has become the anthem of the day. Care and compassion are looked upon as signs of weakness and have no place in this new world order. Cruelty is served up on a daily platter of shame, and no one seems to care.
I find myself being drawn back into the place I came from. One of safety and familiarity. The old me, the Zombie that feels nothing. Conversations with others around me only feed this desire. They laugh and joke about other humans being harmed. Humans being dragged away losing everything. Everything that was important to them means nothing to the ones it doesn’t “personally” affect. They celebrate the separation of humans who don’t look like them, or speak like them. They look at them as though they’re not humans and have no value. I’ve seen this play before and there is no happy ending to it.
The underworld is a place that was not meant to see the light of day. The people who roam in it feed on others like wolves stalking their prey. They see others as “less than”, weak, vulnerable and easy marks. I’ve sat at the table with those who would smile at harm coming to you. I’ve watched actions taken that should frighten anyone. I know how these people operate and we now have this same thing playing out before our very eyes. No longer are they being pushed below the surface. They’re allowed to harm in full view of the public. Where does this lead? Ask yourself, when they’ve finished with whatever the latest targets are, who do they come for next? If you feel that you’re safe, you’ve just set yourself up for the biggest mistake of your life.
I’ve stated before that I’ve seen humans at their very best, and also at their very worst. I struggle now to see humans being kind. Perhaps my view is different. The eyes of Zombie are always watching and see many things that others look past. The desire to adjust my view, my thinking is still there. I want this to all just be a nightmare that I can wake up from and feel good again. I want to set my armor down and walk without pain again. I’m so tired and I don’t want to see this play over again. To have to put my feelings aside and find a way to survive. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be that person ever again, yet here we are.
It’s not dramatic to state these feelings, it’s real. You need nothing more than to walk outside of your door, it’s now all around you. Walking today gave me time to try to push this sadness aside. Attempt to adjust focus and see good in the world. I was grasping for anything. Waiting for a sign to float gently before me and lift me back up. I’m still searching, hoping, praying.
I’ll do what I need to do to keep moving. My desire to live and thrive has helped me to get this far in my life. I won’t quit…I can’t. I honestly don’t think that I know how. Tomorrow will come and perhaps another chance to make things right again. Another chance to right this ship and keep it from going over. “Hold Fast” as the sailors of yesteryear would say. Hold fast to everything that you care about. Hold your desire for a better world and a place that you can be proud of. Most importantly, hold onto the ones who mean the most to you…now more than ever. I’ll do all of this and attempt to hold onto my sanity along the way.
“God willing and the creek don’t rise” is one approach we can take. I like “It’s all about finding calm in the chaos.” (Donna Karan) My search continues. Be well my friends.
On my morning walkabout yesterday I was going through some of my favorite bands and songs on my playlist. I happened upon a song that has always been the full package for me. It’s loud, powerful and is delivered with serious passion. The band is Godsmack. The song in question is “Releasing the Demons.” I think by now we all know that this has been my desire. The releasing of all that has sat deep inside of me. The very idea of getting everything that’s tortured me out sounds blissful.
Once again it reminds me that my story is one that is shared by many. The lyrics are such that I felt I’d been the one to sit down and pen them out. Many of the same feelings are carefully played out throughout this excellent piece of music. They take me through all that I’ve seen and experienced on a fast track. The brain feels like it’s on a bullet train and you’re viewing life through the windows. I connect this way to my music.
I’m sure that many of you have “special” songs. You find yourself throwing them on repeat for what feels like an endless number of times. If a song strikes a chord in you, it’s as though you never want it to end. Great music can be that bond we want to feel with so many parts of our lives. To hear someone else tell your story makes you feel seen, special and connected. When I’m having tough, or darker days, it’s especially helpful to turn on a song like that. You feel the music and the lyrics lift you up. Strength starts to pulse within you once again. You can get so caught up in that moment that you might find yourself yelling out loud… “Yeah!”
I’ve found myself in kind of a strange spot of late. A few things have changed in my space that have me working harder to hold the line. I know that life will forever ebb and flow. I do my best to roll with it. I adjust accordingly so that I can hold on to the ground that I’ve gained. Old ways that are so familiar and comfortable try to creep in when life is hard. People that I deal with make me want to internally wall back up. Frustration can turn to rage when not kept in check.
I was frustrated. I attempted to write the other day. However, the AI assistant blocked my blog. I read through it several times questioning what was wrong. There was no profanity. The subject matter was not even harsh. I did my best to rewrite things that I thought might be holding it back, but nothing worked. The end result was a lot of cussing and finally just deleting the entire piece of work. This was one of the reasons that I started wanting to write my book. I want to be able to say exactly what I want to say. I don’t want someone, or something to tell me what I can say. I know my life. I know what my feelings are and how I want to express them. To be censored on anything is just wrong. The end result was to take those feelings and attempt to redirect them in a positive direction. I chose to exorcise “the demons.”
Where do I go from here? There are many things that I hope to eventually tell all of you. If it ends up all just going into the book, then so be it. I’ll do my best to dance around the AI on here and hope to get as much out as possible. Some of the things that have changed will be discussed with my counselor. I can just tell you that I’m not yet fully clear of some of the people from my past. I’m trying to find a way through this. Which leads me back to the original song that I spoke of. “Releasing the Demons” I need to keep pushing and searching for that light, that peace. Every time the old feelings of guilt crawl back in, or regret for the sins committed… I have to release myself from all of it.
While this may seem on the darker side. I want you all to know that I still remain positive about my progress. I know that I have a strong base of humans to guide me. I also know when it’s time to pick up the phone and ask for help. My counselor knows how to do just that. For that, I’m grateful. I’ll keep writing and sharing. Sharing my steps, and missteps is good for me. Hopefully someone else can learn from this as well. Sharing and thinking that my experiences might help someone else is part of my recovery.
I’ve attached the lyrics for the song “Releasing the Demons” by the band Godsmack below.
Thank you for following along on my journey.
~Robert~
GODSMACK Miscellaneous Release The Demons What do you see in the dark when the demons come for you
If only you could have seen how fucked up my life used to be then everything starts to change supposedly healing my pain I never thought I’d feel this way I never thought that I’d see a day I’d run away from anything or anywhere or anyone Its all these demons haunting me Its all these little things trapped inside of me Releasing me from all my sin Its taken me all my anger And taken me all of my hate To learn how my life came together Releasing the demons again
And now I look through my minds eye And see where my past needs to rest Its always disturbed by these voices That echo inside of my head Another way that I can hide Another reason to crawl inside and get away from everything and everywhere and everyone NO! Its all these demons haunting me Its all these little things trapped inside of me Releasing me from all my sin
Its taken me all my anger And taken me all of my hate To learn how my life came together Releasing the demons……again
Facin the days as I grow into my own Loving and hatings the same And three-fold I told you it comes back with laughter Over and over again Its coming back
Its taken me all my anger And taken me all of my hate To learn how my life came together Releasing the demons again
Have you ever had a day when you woke up and you just felt mean? Perhaps you climbed out of bed and began wondering why you ever climbed out in the first place. Sometimes, just laying in bed sounds better. It feels more appealing than getting up and facing the world, even if you’re not sleeping. I’m having that kind of day. There’s nothing really wrong. I wrote last night which usually makes me feel pretty good. No one has openly tried to offend me. I just feel raw, unavailable, and a touch mean.
This is something I need to share. I believe that it’s relevant in all of our lives. People that struggle with depression have days where they don’t have the power to get out of bed. Some might climb out, but then crawl back in when they feel no one is watching. The energy that it takes at times feels insurmountable. I’m pretty good at willing myself out of bed, but the haze of darkness tends to follow me. I draw energy from deep within myself to get out and do things. My choice of activity for today was weight training. The feel of “heavy shit” being moved with aggression can be comforting. I chose to wear a headset today, which is normally not my thing. Today I felt differently though. I wanted to be closed off with my music and my dark feelings. I know that my counselor and I have talked about these feelings before. Rather than fighting against them, I’ve shifted into more of a welcoming mode. I let them flow as they need to. I’m not lashing out at others, or acting in a threatening manner. I’m just letting the feelings run their course.
The next order of business for me is to write. Whenever I’m like this, writing is the best thing for me. It’s cleansing just to put these words down. It’s all part of my new process that helps me to be better throughout my day. It also gives me hope that I’ll get through this phase quicker and enjoy myself as the day goes on. If not today, then tomorrow. There are no rules for any of this, I just let things go and see where it leads. I’ve found in the past that I can be the most creative when I’m in these moods. I was sharing with a friend recently that I’ve also written poetry when I’m full of darkness. I may find my way back to that again soon. I think the best way I can describe it is that I’m hypersensitive. So full of emotion that I could almost burst. There have been times that I just sat and cried. It’s very cleansing for your system. If you’ve ever been afraid or embarrassed to let go like that, don’t be. It’s good for your mind and your body. The release can be exactly what you need to move forward.
Let us not forget music. For gym purposes it’s the hardest possible music I can muster. Today it was White Zombie/Rob Zombie. Heart pumping, blood surging music that makes you so focused on your task. Once I finished with my weight training session, I moved to stretching and changed up the music to reflect this. My music is always purposeful. I switch it up with my ever changing moods. I’m currently listening to George Michael while I’m writing this. His music is a favorite to listen to while writing. Calming, deep, moving, and beautifully orchestrated. It’s safe to say that I have no idea where I’d be in this world without my music. It’s been my guide and my rescue on so many occasions. If you are feeling anything, there’s a song to match it.
Writing about this is helping me and hopefully it can be comforting to others. I know that “the struggle is real.” Dealing with everyday life, especially in this day and age can take everything we have. If you find yourself in that place of darkness, and you’re unwilling to take the first step, reflect back on this blog. Take the first step and do what you feel is best for you to keep moving. It doesn’t mean that you have to go out and run a marathon. It also doesn’t mean that you have to go out in public and have long discussions with other humans. It simply means that what you’re feeling is alright. That with time it will pass. Embrace the feelings and let them flow, gently through you. If you need someone to help you walk through this, make that call. If you just need to be with some music or a good book, do that. I just don’t want you to look at yourself like I’ve done in the past. Like I’m a monster and have no business walking among humans. We’re all uniquely screwed up. Rather than pushing it away, bring it closer and celebrate it. I use the term a lot and will continue to because it’s so perfect. We are all “Beautifully Broken.”
The topic I’d like to get into today is self-isolation. I’ve had so many discussions with people about how they feel toward other humans. “I really hate people.” “I don’t want any people today.” There’s always the classic, “People suck.” There’s a great deal of sadness that come into me when I hear these words, or worse, hear myself saying them. It takes me back in time. I feel the isolation that I put myself in for some 40 years of my life. I still had relationships, went to work, did things. I just wasn’t being truthful about who I was, and what I struggled with. I closed off that section to everyone. At that time, it was as though you approached a room with a “do not disturb’ sign attached to the door handle. I didn’t want you to enter. I didn’t want to be with people.
“My own Prison” Of course I’ll attach this to a song because with my isolation I leaned heavily on music to keep some form of sanity. “My own Prison” was another song that resonated with me. The lyrics were powerful, heavy and had meaning that I could feel. I felt unworthy, broken and dirty. I’d reached a point where I wished every day that someone would be able to figure me out. That they’d see beyond the mask I wore. Self isolation is a prison. “Nothing in this world can torment you as much as your own thoughts.” I knew this to be true but kept things hidden anyway. What could anyone possibly have to offer that would make things better? You reach a point where you become unwilling to even entertain the idea that you can be helped. It’s a perpetual cycle. Like a rat on a wheel you keep processing things in your head and – surprise – getting the same conclusions.
This is my way of trying to warn others that isolation is not the answer. Trying to step away from or out of life will cure nothing. Leaving the living to become the un-dead is not what you might think it is. I’d use adjectives like loneliness, sadness, depression, and painful to describe what comes with self-isolation. It’s hard for me to understand why someone would try so hard to remove themselves when I’ve been working so hard to come out of the very thing they’re seeking. I hated all of it. The day that I truly realized I was trapped in my prison, it was as though a part of me died. The fun, caring youthful kid became something else. Something much darker. If I had the talent to draw my feelings, what I see in my mind is a child sitting at the bottom of a well, or some other form of darkness… Looking upwards towards the light. While it’s visible to his eyes, it’s as though it’s a million miles away and not obtainable. Love and light are just too far away, and there’s no one with a rope long enough to pull me out.
I spend some time alone nowadays but I choose being with those that I love far more. I’ve learned to be good with who I am now. Because I’m open about my life, it doesn’t feel the same. I go places and make myself be open and present in the moment. I actively listen to others, even strangers, who just want a moment to share whatever it is they feel the need to share. I say all the time that “everyone wants to be heard.” It’s very true…myself included. Not all people suck. I’ve seen the worst of them out there and can tell you that the good ones far exceed the bad. If you close yourself off to everyone, you’ll miss out on the opportunity to find the good. If you see everyone as harmful, you’ll never really feel life.
I know I’m throwing a lot out there today but I’ve had my own struggles of late. An altercation at my gym, a small meltdown at a crowded restaurant while on a weekend getaway with my wife. These things do happen and rather than just shut myself all the way down, I’ve been owning my feelings and taking steps to correct my actions. I’ve reached out to my counselor because of these types of moments in time. I want to see if there’s something still sitting below the surface in me that I need to work on. Both of my events were very hard for me to process. I didn’t want to resort to violence with the guy at the gym, but felt my “space” being taken over. I felt unsafe and threatened and when that happens bad things usually follow. I should’ve just walked away.
I want so much to part part of this world. I feel as though I’m on borrowed time and need to hurry. I missed so much by locking myself away. Don’t make the same mistakes that I have. Don’t step away, bring yourself all in. You don’t want to be sitting in the bottom of that well looking up and praying for help. Don’t design your own prison. Break free and live.
I’ve attached the lyrics to the song “My own prison” by the band Creed. It’s one of many songs that has touched me.
Thank you so much for following along on my journey.
~Robert~
A court is in session, a verdict is in No appeal on the docket today Just my own sin The walls are cold and pale The cage made of steel Screams fill the room Alone I drop and kneel Silence now the sound My breath the only motion around Demons cluttering around My face showing no emotion Shackled by my sentence Expecting no return Here there is no penance My skin begins to burn
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels their selfish pride (And I said oh) We’re all held captive Out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one
I hear a thunder in the distance See a vision of a cross I feel the pain that was given On that sad day of loss A lion roars in the darkness Only he holds the key A light to free me from my burden And grant me life eternally
Should have been dead On a Sunday morning Banging my head No time for mourning Ain’t got no time
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels their selfish pride (And I said oh) We’re all held captive Out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one
I cry out to God Seeking only his decision Gabriel stands and confirms I’ve created my own prison I cry out to God Seeking only his decision Gabriel stands and confirms I’ve created my own prison
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels their selfish pride (And I said oh) We’re all held captive Out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one
(And I said oh) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels their selfish pride (And I said oh) We’re all held captive Out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one
Should’ve been dead on a Sunday morning banging my head No time for mourning Ain’t got no time
I’m going to jump into a topic that could get long winded. I’d like to explore relationships on several different levels. Get into the how and why we align ourselves with certain types of people. Is it that we seek a certain type of person to be part of our life, or do these people seek us. There have certainly been many times throughout my life when I’ve encountered less than desirable people. In some cases even had more intimate relationships with them. Later in life I look back and wonder what it was that caused this. Why would I put myself in such a bad position? Let’s take a deeper look at all of this and see how it unwinds.
I’ll start where I usually do and tell you that I was groomed at a young age by a man who knew exactly how to manipulate other humans. He was a master at the craft and did his best to then train me to be the same. This was my first real encounter with someone who I should’ve never let into my life. I was too young to understand what he was doing. I was still trying to learn what the world was all about when he arrived. There was a level of trust because he was friends with my father. We seek approval from our parents, and we use them as a guide when we’re children. If they have this person in their world, well then it must be o.k. for me to have them in mine, right? Predators find their way into all kinds of circles: Friends, family, and social structures such as churches, clubs etc. They know what they’re doing and they know what to look for. This had me asking as an adult, what was I doing that made me such a target? Did I send out some kind of vibe or have some kind of marking on me that said I would be an easy target? I questioned myself for so many years. Sat in silence wondering what I had “done.” Self isolation and self evaluation turned into self hatred. I did this to myself. I brought this upon myself was what I began to think. Nothing could be further from the truth!
As I moved through my life, I continued to be in situations with people that I knew deep inside of me were not going to be good for me. It’s my belief that I did this because of my lack of self-esteem and the damage that had already occurred. When you think so little of yourself, that opens the door for the ones that we should steer clear of to come in. It again brings me to the question, did I invite them? When I was at my most reckless, I didn’t believe that I’d live long. This way of thinking had me doing things that one would normally never do. I chose people who were damaged and broken. They were seeking refuge in my world from whatever demons followed them. Their issues then became mine. This is where things got ugly.
As I stated before. I’m a keen study of humans and tend to notice things that many would not. I could see these people who struggled, or were predators, coming yet did nothing to stop it. Perhaps in some cases I felt that I could “fix” them. Make the world they lived in better somehow. Like I had the power to move mountains. The “white knight syndrome” as I refer to it. I can ride in, fix all the broken and everything will be good again. It just doesn’t work that way with humans. We’re too complex for that. Whether it was the “friends” that I chose to be around, or the women that I chose to be partners with. The results kept coming up the same way. I encountered alcoholics (numerous), stalkers, manipulators and violent humans. When I tell you that I’m surprised that I’ve survived so much of my life, it’s a very true story. I’m grateful that I’m still here and able, as well as willing to talk about all of this.
Being with a person who says that they love you and then does horrible things to you should make you stop and ponder your life situation immediately. While attempting to break apart from a toxic relationship in my life, I found myself on the receiving end of someone telling me that if I left them they would kill themselves. Think about that statement for a second. The weight placed upon you from the guilt that comes with such words. Guilt is a weapon that is used to control. “If you don’t do as I say this will happen and it will be your fault.” That’s what I was hearing. I will tell you now that my response to this was to end the relationship and if this person “chose” to harm themselves, it was not my burden to carry. Yet I could see how someone could fall into that trap. It wasn’t without some serious thought that I came to the decision that I did. I’ll tell you now that this person never harmed themself and moved on in their life. It was nothing more than someone trying to be controlling and take my own power away from me.
The stalker: I dated a woman for only a couple of months and decided that it wasn’t something I wanted to pursue any longer. The response was unsettling. It began with a constant barrage of notes and letters left on my vehicle. A tape recording that had both songs and her speaking was left on the gate of my parents’ home for me. From there it went to being followed while out on runs or when going to the store. She was a police officer in my city so I found myself getting pulled over several times…”just to talk.” When it ramped up into subtle threats, I had to hire an attorney who then sent a letter to the police department asking that she cease and desist. A protective order was also put into place. This finally put an end to what had become a nightmare. Looking over your shoulder all the time is something that I’d done earlier in my life and found myself doing yet again.
The alcoholic that chose the bottle every single time over our relationship: It didn’t matter how reckless it was, or who was hurt along the way. The only thing that mattered at the time was the drink. There were several alcoholics in my world. Some I dated and finally moved on from, two of them I actually married. The ones that I married were very good at hiding their desire for booze. It came out later on once they found their level of comfort with me. I guess they felt that I was on the hook now because of the vows I made, so it was cool to unleash hell. The first marriage was the easy one to walk away from. We had no children and had not been married for that long. I felt tortured that I’d made this “mistake.” The second marriage was much uglier. There were children involved and I was now dealing with the lives of kids who didn’t have a say in all of this. I thought at the time that it would be best to stay in the marriage for the sake of “saving” the kids. Please don’t ever use this way of thinking. The kids suffered damage and would regardless of my relationship with their mother. I couldn’t shield them from the wrath of an angry drunk. I wasn’t around 24/7 to control all situations. I found the strength to push away from her and build something with the kids. More damage came from this relationship and I’d lost faith in myself. How did I let this happen?
A wise and wonderful woman came into my life through Al-Anon and became my sponsor. I live by so much of what she taught me to this very day. We sat together one day and had a discussion about people who have come and gone in our lives and how all the problems came to be. In my case with relationships she made it simple. “You need to readjust your antenna.” While I chuckled at the statement she made it clear that I needed to stop looking for women I felt I could save or change. This also carried over into any other relationships in my life. Think things through and choose people who don’t “need” you. They just simply want to be with you because they choose to. They can stand on their own two feet even if you’re not there. When I made that change for myself, I found that I suddenly attracted better people. My current wife is the one that I found by making that adjustment. She’s capable of being on her own, she needs nothing from me, but chooses to be with me, and I with her. Coming up on 20 years, so I think it’s safe to say that it was a smart move.
I think that the answer to the question of do we seek these people or do they seek us is a combination of both. When you’re broken you can certainly allow yourself to make bad decisions. It doesn’t make you a horrible person, it just means that you’re going to struggle unnecessarily. Fixing whatever it is inside you that needs fixing is the first step. I’ve always agreed with the saying that “you can’t love someone else unless you love yourself first.” Along with this, there are people out there who have similar abilities that I do. They can see things that most don’t pay attention to. They use this for their own personal gains. They use the ability to seek those whom they feel they can manipulate and control. My training early on was on purpose. The man who was training me wanted to turn me into someone who could both see trouble coming and also recognize an easy target. So I know what I’m talking about here. This is part of the pain that I carry now because I see so many around me who struggle, or are tortured in relationships that are broken. I hear their cries of pain without ever getting into all of their details. They’ve been selected by someone who is there to further their own agenda. That’s not love, it’s predatory.
Insanity is often described as “repeating the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result.” I learned that I was repeating the same things and always wanting for something better. It wasn’t until I made changes to myself that I found better results. Understand that just because you’ve made mistakes in your life doesn’t mean that you have no value. Just because you’ve divorced several times doesn’t make you less. I can’t say it enough that we’re all just humans trying to find our way. If you’ve made a poor decision and it’s causing you pain, make the necessary changes to stop that hurt, don’t allow it to fester. There’s no judgment involved in wanting better for yourself. It’s not selfish to want to find peace. If it’s selfish, then sign me up for being selfish, because I want peace more than anything.
I wear a band on my Garmin watch that says “Stalked by Demons, Guarded by Angels.” I’ve been stalked by demons for far too long and welcome the guardians. I want others to do the same. I’m still here today because I’ve always believed somewhere deep inside of me that I was good, that I had value. Even when so many looked the other way. Even when I was preyed upon. I held onto my inner voice. That voice is louder than ever now and I’m finally seeing the light. Ask yourself if you’re willing to do the same. No, none of this has been easy, but no one said that life was. Hold onto that voice and be the change that will bring you peace.
This is the part of me that I never wanted to share with others. These are the thoughts that haunt me at every turn in my life. The self-doubt, the sadness, the desire to be seen. All of the things that I was trained to put aside and keep moving no matter what. They all still reside inside of me to this very day. While I’m much better than I was earlier in my life, the struggle remains. The hardest part is that you never know when it will emerge. It can unexpectedly turn you upside down. A stalking burglar waiting for the right time to attack.
I recently decided to take my wife on a quick overnight trip to Indianapolis to see a WNBA game. It was something that I thought she’d enjoy and out of our “usual” order of places to go. While she’d been to the city on prior visits with her brother to see Drum corps competition. This would be a first for the two of us. I threw the idea to go and see a game out to her and she grabbed hold. I purchased some nose bleed seats for a game. I also scored a hotel with parking. We were all set for an adventure. The drive was a little on the boring side. On the route between Ohio and Indiana, all you find are giant farm fields. There are also giant churches. Neither of which screams for my attention. We arrived in town and headed for a local brewery that also doubled as a dog park. While I have zero interest in beer, I love seeing and touching dogs. It was a cute place. It was set in a neighborhood. It reminded me of the “Old West End” back in Toledo. Old homes that had been redone, apartments that were situated because it was also home to Indiana University. My wife selected some beers to sample. She would eventually have them fill a growler for her with the winning flavor. There were dogs situated about the place and a big screen showing others outside playing in all forms of water. It was an overall cute experience.
From there we made our way to our hotel, got parked and situated. The next order of business was to find lunch. We searched all the places in walking distance and settled on a place that Karla had been to prior. It was a popular place. Once we arrived, there were people waiting both inside and outside to get a spot. It was at this point that I could feel my anxiety start to build. Once getting inside the door, the closed off feelings started to come into play. A guy waited with his family. He was getting way too close in my space. I found myself beginning to evaluate my surroundings. God, I hate when my brain starts doing this but it’s like a knee jerk reaction. I look around and start to check exits, look at people that could be threats, and shut down internally. The guy behind me had already bumped into me twice causing me to give looks of disapproval. My wife said to hang on. She assured me it would only be about 10 minutes. I wasn’t sure if I’d make it. The space was too cramped. It was warm because of the heat from the door opening and closing so much. The people were not good about personal space. This is what goes on in my head. These are the types of things that my spouse has to process right along with me. She’s become a unwilling participant in my illness.
Trying to explain these feelings to my wife, or anyone for that matter can be taxing. I already have feelings of guilt because I can’t go into a stupid restaurant without getting mentally pressed. Is it fair for someone else to go through these things with you? Does she really understand? How can she be with me? These feelings weigh heavily on you. They sit at the table with you as you try to explain that you’ll be alright. The attempt to explain that the space was bad and the people were touching you almost sounds absurd. I wrestle with this all of the time. This afternoon on our get away would be no different. Once we were in our own space and I could breathe again, I began to find my center. I slowly started to calm down and make light conversation with our server. The game that would follow was great. I did my own assessments as we walked through the complex. I managed to stay focused on this new experience. I was able to stay present during the game and not worry about everything around me.
Once we released out after the game and hit the street. I felt the calm that I’d been searching for. My desire to be on the street felt more at home. I enjoyed walking about and taking in the sights. Yet, I was still evaluating those that could be threats. When I talk about my walks across the city, I feel at ease. I also feel the same way during hikes through trails in parks. The following morning after the game we woke early and headed out for a walkabout in the city. Taking in all that Indy had to offer. Enormous sports complexes, old homes, warehouses that had been converted into either apartments or commercial businesses. The local zoo and a river walk. We found ourselves caught up in a local 5K while walking and just took notice at all the many teens that were participating in the event. It made me smile to see so many youth taking part in the sport that brought me so much peace. I couldn’t help but think maybe there were some in the group that felt like I do about running. Perhaps it was their best friend too. Again, it made me smile. It’s times like this that I feel free and want to just be. I enjoy being with my wife, talking about whatever comes to mind. I truly feel happy when we do our walks. How funny that I derive so much pleasure from something that cost nothing. Don’t get me wrong. I loved going to the game. However, I found more happiness in the walk with Karla on the following morning.
This weekend has shown me that I’m still capable of getting through things that in the past I never would’ve been able to do. It’s also given me a reminder that I still have more work to do. You are enjoying a part of your life. You’re with the person you truly want to be with. You don’t want to explain why you feel bad. Why you feel unloved, or broken. My sister and I just talked about the ability to love. “I told her that we’re unable to love others unless we can love ourselves first.” She agrees. I do love myself, at least enough now that I can share my feelings with someone else. It didn’t come right away, but it’s come now to stay. I’ve promised my wife that if she can see through all of my faults/flaws, there is someone on the other side that is worth spending her time with. She’s still here after almost 20 years together, so I’m hopeful she does see the value in me that for me at times is the biggest struggle of them all.
Blurring the lines and keeping people apart is a tactic used by mob figures for decades. Keeping people on the cusp of thinking they’ll eventually get a share of the riches is part of the game. I know this and have firsthand knowledge of such practices. I was made to believe that a better life was obtainable, as long as I did as I was told. As time progressed and I began to question why I wasn’t seeing all the riches and better life that was promised, the darker side came into play. At that point, I was too far in and everything changed. Threats, bullying, and manipulation were served daily to keep me in line. When you watch current events unfold, I wan you to think seriously about what I’m saying here and understand that there’s not a good ending going forward.
I’ve explained many times that I’m a study of humans, a voyeur if you will. This too started out at a very young age and was part of my grooming process. While the idea was to sharpen my skills and make me aware of everything around me, the boss never thought that my skills would then become so sharp that I’d pay the same attention to what he was doing and how he was doing it. Knowledge is key in this world. Having proper schooling and training is key to being a successful person. People who want to control know this and do everything they can to make sure that you don’t get the proper tools to succeed. If you’re smarter than they are, you’ll understand the game and could throw everything into chaos. I’ll share a quote from an educated and very talented rock artist.
“Just in General, any government throughout history hasn’t really wanted its people to be educated, because then they couldn’t control them as easily.” (Maynard James Keenan from the band Tool)
That right there is a very true and powerful statement. When we are kept from becoming better educated, and stronger, our demise will soon follow. I felt this when I was working in the underworld. I was doing everything that was asked of me. I worked hard to make things better in my life, only to find that I’d end up terrified to speak, unable to walk around freely and more than anything, lost my ability to sleep. There was no winning in this world. I was just put in place to enrich a very small few, mostly the boss’s family members. Those of us who took risks, put our bodies on the line, lost our ties with family and friends were left soulless and angry. All of the promises that were made never came to fruition. The only things that I’ve gained were some street skills and an acute ability to understand other humans. The trade off was far from balanced and I’ve suffered for most of my life because of it.
Watching the world today makes me feel as though my old boss is back in charge of my life. Promises of greatness and riches are spewed out on a regular basis, and if you don’t believe those promises, you’re the one not to be trusted. You are then looked upon as “the enemy.” How dare you not believe what the boss is saying. How dare you question what you know are untruths. I’ve seen this play out before, in my past life. The boss, his family and friends are the ones who will enjoy the spoils that are provided by the foot soldiers. You may be thrown an occasional scrap, but you’ll never sit at the table with them. You’re not part of that world.
We’ve become a society of “all about me.” There is no more empathy, or even desire to understand the struggles of other humans. “Let them fend for themselves, pick up their bootstraps and make better for themselves, that’s not my job.” We can walk silently past the homeless, we can reach to protect our handbags when seeing someone who might not look like us, and we can turn our backs on someone who has lost everything. This is the sad reality of life in America. “If it doesn’t affect me directly, then it doesn’t matter at all.” That’s how I see people when I look around nowadays. Communities and neighborhoods have been sacrificed. States are fighting against other states to gain the almighty dollar from the corporate overlords. When I see this, again it makes me think of my old boss. All these same things went on and the only winner was him.
I’ve heard all of the banter over these past years, and I’ve been called many different names for questioning the validity of certain statements. While my soul is still restless from my past, I continue to try to find a way to mend. I need to find a way to reach others so that they too don’t become broken pieces in this winless game. See things for what they are, become a study of humans and break out. Look to build bridges with others around you and never be silenced by anyone. Never, and I mean never let someone take away your voice! I’ve said this in past blogs. We the people have the right to be heard and seen. There is no path forward unless we make the changes that are necessary. If it’s left to the bosses, you’ll never be free and it won’t end well.
If you take anything from my blogs, take this. I’ve seen how bad humans can be, and I’ve seen how wonderful they can be as well. Now is the time to look into the mirror and ask yourself what you see. It’s time to ask yourself what kind of world you want to live in, raise your kids in, or perhaps see your grandchildren grow up in. Will you accept the promises of the “boss,” or will you look to your neighbor and unite for a better tomorrow? The choice is still ours. Your voice is still your own, for the moment. Don’t let someone make you live in silence and secrets. I’ve spent my lifetime digging my way out of that, so I know the path that I’m choosing. Take my hand as we move forward. Let me end this with a verse from the Bible.
“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and say to you, Do not fear: I will help you.”
Finding the road to healing and revisiting ghosts from your past. While I’m in a much better place today, I still have set-backs. Some are small and manageable, others require me stepping back into my counselor’s office. “Trauma isn’t just what happened. It’s also what you had to go through alone.” Feeling alone was a huge part of my past. Being unable to tell anyone what was going on or about the things that I was involved in was, at times, soul crushing. There was no way to be comforted. I learned early in my life to be small, invisible, and quiet.
“Robert is such a quiet guy, and so shy.” These kind of descriptions followed me throughout my school life. I never wanted to be noticed. The further out of the light that I could keep myself, the better everything would feel. I was hypervigilant all of the time. I could feel things that others would never pay attention to. While it was a service to me at times, it also caused me to be anxious and to fear relationships. I was unable to trust people and it was exhausting.
Things can happen in “ordinary” life that can trigger these feelings to surface. Sometimes it’s the smallest thing. The way something is said, a look from a person or, of course, verbal confrontation. There are so many times when I’ve found myself wanting to revert back to the scared child. Looking for an escape, a place to hide and not be seen. Oddly enough, the other side of this same coin is that as an adult, I get almost hostile when I’m not heard or seen. There was a turning point toward the end of high school where I became defiant towards my “boss”. I’d started to believe more in myself and my confidence was growing. A new and better life could actually be obtained. The internal battle raged.
I recently did a blog about my high school typing teacher. Telling you all how important she became in my turn around. The “it” factor that she possessed somehow transferred to me. I felt that everything she was telling me was true. So much so that I changed the direction that I had been heading. I’ve also stated that there’s a good possibility she was instrumental in saving me. I was finally able to meet her face to face recently. We had breakfast together at a local restaurant and then went back to her home where we discussed all parts of my life. She was inquisitive, thoughtful, gracious and had wonderful things to share. While she couldn’t place me in her mind from many moons ago, it didn’t matter. She’d welcomed me and wanted to hear my story. My main reason for reaching out to her in the first place was I wanted so much to tell her “thank you.” There are not many moments you get to sit down with someone so important to you and say what you really needed to say. I was gifted these moments in time, and I’m forever grateful for our paths crossing.
Ms. Osborn, my teacher was a ghost from my past that I needed to visit me again. I’d felt that there was unfinished business. I’ve found that I continue to look back at times to reach out to those who meant something to me. The ones who guided me even if they were never aware. The girl that I dated through most of high school would be another one of these ghosts. She was a bright light of hope during a time when all I knew was darkness. During the time we spent together, I was allowed to see the world through different eyes. We talked recently and she said that “I think you had more than one side and maybe that’s what you shared with me. Like a respite from the other.” Yes, it was a moment to breathe, to just be.
My road to recovering from my past was littered with so many who had hoped they could reach me. People who thought they’d found a way in, only to find that I’d already closed up and moved on. My random moments of anxiety, or shame were things that I was unable to express. To this very day I struggle sometimes to tell my own wife how I’m feeling, or why I’m feeling a certain way. Feelings of doubt climb into my head and I say things like “she doesn’t need to hear this” or perhaps “she’s heard enough and doesn’t need to hear this anymore.” The kid from the past then takes it all and places it in a hidden box. Stay small, don’t let her see you.
This, my friends, is why I blog. I can’t be the only one on the planet who has these kinds of feelings. In fact I know that I’m not. I had to seek out the ghosts that I knew could help me, once again, continue on the path that I need to stay on. Solid ground that will help me to move forward and be happy. In fact the parting words that my teacher shared with me were this. “Robert, live your life, live your life to the fullest and be happy.” Once again she said the right thing at the right time. A ghosts came to me and told me to be free of everything and live. It would be a disservice to her if I didn’t follow through with that. I may struggle, I may fall back a step, but I’ll never quit. Peace is right around the corner.
The zombie file 