Have you ever had a day when you woke up and you just felt mean? Perhaps you climbed out of bed and began wondering why you ever climbed out in the first place. Sometimes, just laying in bed sounds better. It feels more appealing than getting up and facing the world, even if you’re not sleeping. I’m having that kind of day. There’s nothing really wrong. I wrote last night which usually makes me feel pretty good. No one has openly tried to offend me. I just feel raw, unavailable, and a touch mean.

This is something I need to share. I believe that it’s relevant in all of our lives. People that struggle with depression have days where they don’t have the power to get out of bed. Some might climb out, but then crawl back in when they feel no one is watching. The energy that it takes at times feels insurmountable. I’m pretty good at willing myself out of bed, but the haze of darkness tends to follow me. I draw energy from deep within myself to get out and do things. My choice of activity for today was weight training. The feel of “heavy shit” being moved with aggression can be comforting. I chose to wear a headset today, which is normally not my thing. Today I felt differently though. I wanted to be closed off with my music and my dark feelings. I know that my counselor and I have talked about these feelings before. Rather than fighting against them, I’ve shifted into more of a welcoming mode. I let them flow as they need to. I’m not lashing out at others, or acting in a threatening manner. I’m just letting the feelings run their course.

The next order of business for me is to write. Whenever I’m like this, writing is the best thing for me. It’s cleansing just to put these words down. It’s all part of my new process that helps me to be better throughout my day. It also gives me hope that I’ll get through this phase quicker and enjoy myself as the day goes on. If not today, then tomorrow. There are no rules for any of this, I just let things go and see where it leads. I’ve found in the past that I can be the most creative when I’m in these moods. I was sharing with a friend recently that I’ve also written poetry when I’m full of darkness. I may find my way back to that again soon. I think the best way I can describe it is that I’m hypersensitive. So full of emotion that I could almost burst. There have been times that I just sat and cried. It’s very cleansing for your system. If you’ve ever been afraid or embarrassed to let go like that, don’t be. It’s good for your mind and your body. The release can be exactly what you need to move forward.

Let us not forget music. For gym purposes it’s the hardest possible music I can muster. Today it was White Zombie/Rob Zombie. Heart pumping, blood surging music that makes you so focused on your task. Once I finished with my weight training session, I moved to stretching and changed up the music to reflect this. My music is always purposeful. I switch it up with my ever changing moods. I’m currently listening to George Michael while I’m writing this. His music is a favorite to listen to while writing. Calming, deep, moving, and beautifully orchestrated. It’s safe to say that I have no idea where I’d be in this world without my music. It’s been my guide and my rescue on so many occasions. If you are feeling anything, there’s a song to match it.

Writing about this is helping me and hopefully it can be comforting to others. I know that “the struggle is real.” Dealing with everyday life, especially in this day and age can take everything we have. If you find yourself in that place of darkness, and you’re unwilling to take the first step, reflect back on this blog. Take the first step and do what you feel is best for you to keep moving. It doesn’t mean that you have to go out and run a marathon. It also doesn’t mean that you have to go out in public and have long discussions with other humans. It simply means that what you’re feeling is alright. That with time it will pass. Embrace the feelings and let them flow, gently through you. If you need someone to help you walk through this, make that call. If you just need to be with some music or a good book, do that. I just don’t want you to look at yourself like I’ve done in the past. Like I’m a monster and have no business walking among humans. We’re all uniquely screwed up. Rather than pushing it away, bring it closer and celebrate it. I use the term a lot and will continue to because it’s so perfect. We are all “Beautifully Broken.”

Thanks for following along on my journey.

~Robert~