Taking the journey through my past can be stressful. I don’t want everyone to think that my life is totally miserable. Has it been hard, yes. There have been life lasting events that have caused damage. I try to explain to people all the time that I just view the world differently. When you’ve grown up in environments that are less than pleasant, that can happen. I feel joy, excitement, and even love just like all of you. I want others to understand my perspective. People who are broken can still function. There are still more good days than bad. I’ll touch on some of the struggles of late and my battle to get back to center.

I’ve touched on this in other blogs. I don’t look for pity. I certainly don’t want people to attempt to fix me. I simply want to bring awareness to the masses that terrible things can happen to all people. Some of these things can cause you to never fully recover. Sometimes there’s such damage that a person can give up. Search for ways to kill the pain that they carry. Worse yet, they could leave this earth by their own doing. I’ve traveled down these roads. Pain and loneliness can be so consuming that you just want a way to make it stop.

I still remember vividly walking the park and wondering where my life was going. I felt disconnected from the world. I couldn’t picture a future and needed “something.” For me the answer came in the form of running. It was the beginning of something. Something that I’d never felt before. I felt confident, and strong. Each step became a new beginning, an awakening. I began to see things differently. I didn’t feel so hopeless. June of 1985 is when I came alive.

Having tools like running and weight training have been good to me, and for me. I’ve learned the discipline of my body. I’ve learned how to take better care of both my mind and body. It didn’t take all of my pain away, but it turned on a light in a very dark tunnel. I think back to the days before discovering these activities. What a contrast they are to now. When I struggle, I seek my tools to help myself. I look to my running, now walking, and my weight training. I sit here at my computer and write. Writing has been the second greatest gift behind my running. I finally feel that I have somewhere to go that I can unload my thoughts. Running helps me to process things, but writing helps me dump them all out.

If you’ve been following me then you understand how I go back and forth. I have stretches where I’m more about getting things out and feeling the light. Then with darker moments I see all that is wrong in the world. As much as I want to, I can’t look away. I then begin to feel that I’m in a weaker state and things kind of crumble. It’s those demons again. They just seem to come for me. They appear in many different forms. Lately, it’s been through my work place. I’ve encountered people in the traveling public that are so beyond toxic that I can barely refrain from lashing out. While I won’t disclose the entire altercations. I had two, back to back where the people were so hostile, I felt that violence was inevitable. Loud, angry and threatening. None of these things are new to me and in most cases I see through them. One of these people seemed to know every one of my internal buttons and was pressing them. I have issues with people getting too close to me. This person came so close that I had to push him back three times, giving warning each time. He was yelling directly into my face while still approaching. He spoke in a foreign language, so that complicated my processing as well. I finally reached a breaking point internally. All I could hear in my head was white noise. I’d gone into defense mode and knew where it could go next. I’m grateful that I can recognize these breaks. I came at this guy with the same energy he was using. I needed to get him to step back into his vehicle. It’s my belief that when was faced with my rage, he finally backed down. I shared this event with my sister today. I explained that I was mentally standing right on the edge with this guy. We’d reached an impasse.

The following morning I was confronted yet again. This time by a couple. I was shocked that I was right back where I had left off on the previous day. What was going on in my universe? How did these people find me? They too managed to hit the buttons that I keep hidden away? I’m surprised that so many feel that they can say whatever vile crap they wish to another. I see the world differently. The world that I came from doesn’t allow for that level of disrespect. If you step up on someone, you better be ready for whatever might come your way. You never underestimate another. Don’t look at someone doing their job and think that it’s alright to take a shit on them. The saying; “be kind because you don’t know what someone is going through.” I’d take it a step further. You should be kind because you don’t know what’s lurking inside of another. Some of us carry things you really don’t want to see. Don’t invite trouble to your doorstep.

I’m grateful to have a day or so to get my thoughts back in order. I have counseling this week and plan on adding these events to the discussion. I’ve not felt that much rage in a long time. It’s the part of me that I’m the most frightened of. The side that was created to protect the child in me. The one that will harm anyone or anything if threatened. It’s so ugly and I’m ashamed for having these kind of feelings. I’m holding fast to the idea of cooler temperatures, fall skies and my walks. I’ll lean into the things that I know can bring me back to center again.

I know that my cousin reads my blogs and we’ve discussed heaven and hell. The fight between good and evil on this earth. This past weekend made me think more on that battle with darkness. I felt like I was being tested. I passed the test, but I feel the wounds that were inflicted. I felt the darkness creeping up through my veins. My dark side still lurks. I have more work to do…because my story is not over.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Zombie~