Let’s dive into yet another one of the many topics that I have on my ever growing lists. How I see myself vs how others see me. I’m certain that there will be many that’ll be able to relate to this topic once I start to unpack it. I think we all know by now that I have issues looking at my physical self (face), especially my eyes. I’ve written several blogs that touch on the reasons for my inability to gaze into mirrors. This blog is going to deal with more of the internal components. The things that the brain says. Lets get started.

I know that I’ve touched on my past and the many things that I’ve gone through. Because of the unique situation that I found myself in at a young age; I tend to internalize my value as a person. For many years I did my best to lock away the scared child that resided inside of me. My job became to project a person of strength. A person that should be feared. You see, in the underworld there is no room for error. There is no going back once you’ve been revealed. Because of this, you find yourself unable to understand who you really are. I remember vividly sitting on my porch steps and wondering what would become of me. I felt as though I didn’t even know myself, so what did the rest of the world see when they looked at me?

I’ve referred to myself in past blogs as “the gray man.” An entity that could blend into the background without ever being discovered. I’ve also talked about my inability to look at my own eyes in a mirror. The person that I’ve seen when I’ve done that did not match up with what was inside of me. It became easier to just avoid looking. To continue to project what others may want, or need to see. My parents looked upon me as the good son. They never got a glimpse of the rage, fear, and loneliness that I carried with me. My family never knew about my street life. It was more for their protection than anything. My sisters each had their feelings of who I was as a sibling. This makes me wonder, what is it that they see? Was I so good at hiding everything that they never thought to ask questions? Did I do such a good job at hiding all my secrets that they only saw me as good? Why did no one see the cracks forming? These questions and so many more have ravaged my brain throughout the years. It was time to clean out all the secrets. Time to gaze into the abyss.

What I’ve worked on over the years was digging out all the stored trauma. Finding a way to understand it and place it back gently. With each visit to my counselor I’d take another step forward. All the while still having the mixed feelings about who I really am. People look at me from the outside and say wonderful things that I struggle to believe. Each time I’d receive a compliment I’d have to pause. “They don’t really mean that.” The other thing would be “you don’t deserve that.” Yes, that is how I’ve seen myself in the past. A person that is undeserving of praise. I’m the “lesser than.” The dirty kid from the East Side. One of the biggest breakthroughs came when my counselor uttered the words “when does Robert forgive himself?” Those words stopped me hard in my tracks. I still tear up when I think about that moment. My entire life I’ve never been able to move blame from myself. I’ve never been able to forgive myself for all that I’ve gone through. I’ve stayed hidden, unable to look in the mirror at my own eyes. The gray man; who is not worthy of praise. I stand before you now a changed man.

While I still refer to myself as a work in progress, I have a better understanding of who I am. I won’t tell you that I’m able to receive praise without some kind of glitch, but I’m getting better. The person that I see within myself now is much stronger. I think that the tide has turned internally and I’m climbing out from the hole that I dug inside. At times it’s like clawing my way through mud, but still I make progress. I’m getting closer to balancing how I see myself vs how others see me. I’ve taken the role of someone that wants to lead others. I want to be the strength that someone looks to in order to better themselves. Just by sharing all of my stories I feel that I can make a difference. I know that there are others out there that feel as I did. Beating themselves down with self-doubt, and low self-worth. Letting people know that they are seen when they too might feel as I did as the “gray man.” Perhaps they’ll start to claw out of their own hole and reach for the light. I’ll tell you that thinking I could help someone this way gives me strength.

I recently applied for and received a promotion at my workplace. When I received the offer letter I just sat and held it. Reading through the words over and over again. People around me see something in me that I’ve struggled with for so long. My reply to the letter was this; “Thank you for believing in me.” I showed them exactly who I am, all of my brokenness was on display. My voice quivered at times when speaking in the interview, but they still felt I was worth taking a chance on.

I’ll continue to heal my wounds internally. I’ve made a pledge to myself to give grace, to ease up on myself. Perhaps try to adjust the view of myself so that it better aligns with what others are seeing. Offer my strengths, my words, my stories so that people can find healing in it. Keep clawing through the mud and reaching for the light.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~