I’ve been away from my keyboard for a minute and I don’t mind telling you, that’s hard on me. This is truly where I seek my refuge. It’s my Zen and my calling to write about my life and the world as I see it. Time away from this place leaves me vulnerable to darker ways of thinking. I’m aware of this and have worked hard to stay away from those thoughts. Everyday things can become scrutinized, or looked upon in a manner that does not serve my true being. This takes me back to why I started this blog. My sub title says it clearly “Life seen through the eyes of Zombie.” Lets look together, shall we?

I’ll share a few things that gained my attention of late. Forever the voyeur, I continue to watch and learn how humans go about their lives and how they look at others, how they show their displeasure, or just the sheer lack of empathy. I’ve seen much since my last blog that has disturbed me, and left me with those old feelings of rage, and hopelessness. The feelings are the same as in the past, but thankfully I’m more prepared to deal with them now. Things don’t get out of control, but the darkness is forever patient. It’s a temptress that offers immediate gratification if I just do things the way it’s asking me to.

I take at least one long walk every week that consist of at least 10 miles. Most times I take a familiar course that goes directly through the neighborhoods that I ran in as a kid. Some of these streets are where I performed my duties as part of the underworld. You could say that I’m painfully familiar with literally every step of pavement that I’m walking on. There are times when it’s like a flashback. I remember things as vividly as when they first went down. When this happens I feel everything from that moment all at once. There have been times when it literally takes my breath away. While I don’t talk about it with my sister or wife if they’ve come along, I just take time to remember the moment, process it, and give myself grace from that time. I can’t change what happened, I can just remind myself that I survived it.

The walks have been tough lately because of the struggles that people are going through. Again, I’ve been there and know that a human trying to survive will do whatever it takes to stay alive. You can see this on full display during these walks. Because my brain processes things differently that others, I tend to focus, or see things that most don’t. The many homes that have their front yard covered in personal items due to being evicted. The sickly looking, bone thin humans wandering aimlessly looking for something to make them feel better, if only for a moment. The hustlers that are controlling their surroundings in order to make their fortunes. It’s short money, but hustlers gotta hustle. Life is usually short for them, so they live as large as they can while on this earth. Items, “things” become all that matter to them. It’s all out there.

This weekend there was an estate sale close to my home. The couple that lived in this home were wonderful to me. The husband would come out and ask “how many miles are you getting today” every time he’d see me heading down the road. On one occasion he stopped me and told me to take a big bundle of peaches home. This kind of thing was happening just because I passed him on my walk every day and we’d formed a bond. Unfortunately, his wife passed away and shortly after he too left this earth. I found myself going past the house looking for that friendly smile and wondering if they were together again. Missing the moments I shared with them. Their entire life of collected items was now spread out throughout the home and garage by strangers hired to sell off their life’s collection. Now I realize that this is a business and some feel that it’s a necessity. My view is different. When I see an estate sale, I tend to see people acting in a way that makes me realize there’s an animal inside of each of us. They flock like vultures feeding on a dead carcass. Scrambling to grab all of the treasures before someone else can get them. Parking in front lawns, blocking intersections, positioning themselves for the front row! On my return home from my walk today, one of the ladies that had been parked in the front lawn had taken her dog out of the vehicle and then allowed it to “do it’s business” right there in the front yard. Then packed her dog up and left. I watched the owner of this home work tirelessly on keeping his home and lawn perfect. Once he was gone, a stranger felt that it was nothing more than a dumping ground after she sifted through he and his wife’s life collection.

This is probably why I’m such a minimalist to this very day. I see no value in things. I don’t collect items, or trinkets. Time and time again in my life I’ve watched family members fight tooth and nail over “things” because it should belong to them now. I’ve seen other estates sales where people were fighting over a “thing” that they felt they grabbed first. It’s truly the ugliest of moments for a human. This also goes back to what I was stating with humans and their desire to survive. They’ll literally fight another human for an item because they see value that could possibly make their life better. Hustlers on the hustle. Street life, or the underworld are not far from everyday life.

I try to keep my focus on the beauty of the world. I keep my eyes wide open searching for the things that bring me joy. Watching the creatures of the world go through the cycle of life. Watching the geese that return each year to have little ones. To watch them grow from little balls of fuzz into beautiful adult birds. I seek out dogs that I’ve watched grow from puppies. I can tell you where every dog lives on my walking paths. When they’re out in their yard I always have time for a chat or pet. The smells of spring flowers that fill the air while I walk. All of these things help me to remember that the world as a whole isn’t shit. I love having my wife or sister along with me on my walks. My wife has a way of viewing things differently. She’s not scarred by the past the way I am, and it’s refreshing. She too reminds me that it’s not all darkness, the light is still there, you just have to look through her eyes rather than Zombie’s.

Life is precious and requires a balance. I have to find ways to look past these things that eat at my soul. I think of what little I have to leave behind that the vultures would find of interest. I’ll leave behind my works, my random thoughts poured out onto paper or this computer screen. Poems about love and loss. Hopefully my book will find it’s way to being finished and shared. Physical things will not be treasured by me. I live now for moments. Zombie’s eyes are still watching, but Robert’s stronger now. I’m going to take the moments that I shared with a wonderful neighbor and hold those. I’ll remember the love that he had for his wife, and how heartbroken he was by her loss. I’ll keep walking and thinking of the peaches that he offered to me. Because in the end, those moments are what truly mattered.

In my closing; I’d promised one of my readers that I would post a poem I wrote years ago. It’s called “Free” written in May of 1994. I’ll also throw in one that I wrote about the American Flag being that we’re coming up on a celebration. I hope you all enjoy.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

FREE

Set me free from all of this

My God I am in need

Take away this suffering

That leaves my soul to bleed

Show me how to smile again

I think I’ve lost my way

And say the way I feel right now

Won’t last another day

And if you feel my time is through

I’ve put up my best fight

Come sit and hold my shaking hand

To say that it’ll be alright.

I AM

My eyes have seen great triumphs and sorrows

I have stood proudly during war and peace time

I have ridden on the uniform of brave soldiers

And been held in the hands of small children

I stand for Liberty and Justice

I stand for those who have fallen to ensure my existence

I will continue to hold my post

And fly high above the tallest of buildings

I AM the American Flag

And my colors run deep with the pride

Of the many who stand in allegiance with me.